Bella Eclipse Wolverine

Props to the folks at WTF Fanfiction for unearthing this gem.

The first two lines of the "story" tell you all need to know about it:

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My name is Isabella Swan Wolverine.
Eclipse is my code name.

She was left on the doorstep of the X-Mansion as a newborn by her mother (who's name is Kayla).

No, really.

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The day after my birth she left me on the door
step of the mansion/school(I'll get to that in a bit).She left a note explaining what happened.
The professor had me and my dad take a blood test to make sure that what my mom said was true
it turned out that I was his daughter my dad was happy to be a father,that was until he realized that I was a girl
and that I would need a mother.

Yeah, that last part doesn't quite parse. But let's move on to what she can do:

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My dad has claws that are made of adamantium(covers his skeleton).
My mom could convince anyone anything as long as she touches them.
I have both powers and can move things with my mind.
Like my father I got my skeleton covered in adamantium.

A) You do know, my little fanbrat, that Wolverine's power is his healing factor. The claws aren't so much a power as an attribute. That's like calling Nightcrawler's tail a power.
B) So basically, she's X-23+Jean Gray+Bella's name? Righty-o!

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A month after my 17th birthday my mom came and found me

That makes it sound like you weren't right where she put you.

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she said that she wanted to take me some where special
and I made the mistake of hugging so she convinced me
to trust Stryker the man who made my father a peace of the metal.
The professor (I'm to lazy to explain his power google it)

Bolding hers, scorn mine: "To[sic] lazy to explain" "He reads minds" isn't lazy that's Terminal Dontgiveafuckedness.

And "peace of the metal?" Really?

Okay, after Stryker - for no adequately stated reason - gives her the Weapon X treatment, she's rescued by Storm, Cyclops and Jean Grey.

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The professor checked me and said that I was ok
also said that it would be best if
some of the students to go into hiding.
Nobody wanted
Stryker to experiment on again.

XAVIER! HIS NAME IS CHARLES XAVIER! It's not a hard name to remember or spell!

And sending her off to hide is a far better plan than leaving her at the mansion surrounded by trained superpowered fighters, right?

And no, that's not wonky formatting on my part: that's the way the damn thing is posted on FF.net.

Anyway, they decide to head off into hiding... Apparently all of them except Prof. X.

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Storm,Logan,and Victor are going to
to be our 'parents'.Victor is my uncle.
He used to be evil but when he
heard that he was an uncle he
switched is the order
that we have to live in:

Storm:Bobby,Kitty

Victor:Rouge

Logan:Bella

Sabretooth's coin must've landed on "not evil" this month. And I'm betting Bobby, Kitty and Rogue sure do appreciate getting dragged off to parts unknown to bodyguard Little Miss LegoGenetics there.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that Bella will show her specialness by calling Rogue by her real name at some point (It's Anna Marie, FYI).

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I should probably tell
you were we are going.
Were going to rain city.
Forks,Washington.
I don't mind the rain,
fog,and no sun.

Oh, and when they get off the plan[sic], The Professor has some transportation waiting for them.

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Dad:Police cruiser

Victor:Black Ford truck(on profile)

Storm:Lamborghini(on profile)

Rouge:Blue Convertible(on profile)

Bobby and Kitty:Red Ferrari(on profile)

Bella:Sliver 370z(on profile)

A) I have no idea what "(on profile) means in this context.
B) Way to go low profile there, Spymaster.

More later. Maybe...

Sabretooth is coming along so he can laugh his ass off at the fact that his brother has such a Mary-Sue for a kid. Also, he's heard the vampire hunting's really good in Forks.

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The professor had me and my dad take a blood test to make sure that what my mom said was true
it turned out that I was his daughter my dad was happy to be a father,that was until he realized that I was a girl
and that I would need a mother.

Because a boy doesn't need a mother?? Fanfiction logic...you have to love it!

Also, what is it with stories and children being abandoned at birth? I know that having only one living parent is something of an RPG trope, but being orphaned/abandoned is becoming a seriously tired FF cliche.

Freezer wrote:

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Dad:Police cruiser

Victor:Black Ford truck(on profile)

Storm:Lamborghini(on profile)

Rouge:Blue Convertible(on profile)

Bobby and Kitty:Red Ferrari(on profile)

Bella:Sliver 370z(on profile)

A) I have no idea what "(on profile) means in this context.
B) Way to go low profile there, Spymaster.

More later. Maybe...

On profile = on the author's ff.net profile, where she has posted links to pictures of all this stuff. She's a fanbrat, what do you expect? Correctly labeled and informative author's notes that do not disrupt the flow of the story? Dream on!

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We live in a Mansion that is a school for mutants own by Charles Xavier aka The professor.

Nope.

This is the Professor:
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This is Professor X
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One is a near insane, irresponsible genius with access to hundreds of weapons capable of doing extreme damage to the planet.

The other runs Planet Express.

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Like my father I got my skeleton covered in adamantium.
A month after my 17th birthday my mom came and found me
she said that she wanted to take me some where special
and I made the mistake of hugging so she convinced me
to trust Stryker the man who made my father a peace of the metal.

So she wasn't born with an adamantium skeleton - She was put through the same process... By Striker...

She doesn't say when in the films this happened - but it's worth remembering that Stryker died in X2.

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Stryker wanted to erase my memories and make me his minion.
I heard this and let my claws come out and started to attack
everyone I saw including my mom and Stryker.
By the time everyone got there everybody was already dead.
Dad found me standing over their body's in a black tanktop and shorts.

So she...?

Nope. Too easy. Next.

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Storm,Logan,and Victor are going to
to be our 'parents'.Victor is my uncle.
He used to be evil but when he
heard that he was an uncle he
switched is the order
that we have to live in:

Ah, yes. The ever-present "parental responsibility morality inverter syndrome".

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Rouge

Of course.

...



Oh Christ... Chapter 2...

ALL THE TROPES!

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the order
that we have to live in:

Storm:Bobby,Kitty

Victor:Rouge

Logan:Bella

I am grasping for a joke and all I can get my hands on is more confusion.

What the everloving fuck do these words even mean?

Freezer wrote:

Props to the folks at WTF Fanfiction for unearthing this gem.

The first two lines of the "story" tell you all need to know about it:

Quote :

My name is Isabella Swan Wolverine.
Eclipse is my code name.

OH DEAR GOD NO.

In case you were wondering why we cut off a third of Chapter 1, let me catch you up.

Bella and Logan settle in.
Bella and Logan order pizza.
Bella turns in early because she has school in the morning.
End chapter.

RIVETING! Now on to Chapter 2. Which starts with a flashback to those two sentences Bella was in the Adamantiumizing tank.

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Flashback:

I'm in a tank filled with a water like goo.
The needles come closer to my body.
They enter my body all I can feel is pain
but thats the start a strange liquid that
is clear enters me next is the adimanitum.

I swear I just felt brain cells die. (Didn't she spell "adamantium" correctly in Chapter 1?)

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All of a sudden I feel my body again.
"Erase her memories.
She cannot escape like her

is much more valuable."
Said William Stryker.

1) Are we supposed to be reading this in iambic pentameter?
2) Was this run through Google Translate before uploading?

She dreams she broke free and massacred everyone (that doesn't sound familiar at all), saving Stryker and her mother for last. Buuuuuut, if she killed Stryker, why are they hiding from him? Did he rise from the grave as Dark Stryker? (Which, in hindsight, I'm stunned wasn't the name of some 90s anti-hero).

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I sat up in bed and
screamed.
My dad ran into
the room in his
pajama pants.
He looked in
the room
searching for a
threat.
When he
looked at me
his face
turned from
a protector
to a worried
father.

"Awww... Did Daddy's little murder machine have a bad dream?"

"Nightmares?"

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"I wish that
they hadn't
ejected all
those powers
into me."

(thats what the
clear liquide was)

1) Ow my brain.
2) What clear "liquide?" Was that supposed to be the adamantium? For that matter, how did you even see it?
3) The only thing they "ejected" (Ow... there went first grade) was the adamantium. Adamantium isn't a power. That's like saying having a plate in your head is a super power.

And we have some more father/daughter bonding over poker and cigars. (Because what seventeen year-old girl doesn't love her some stogies?) Then Bella gets ready for school. LIST OF CLOTHING I WISH I HAD BELLA OWNS: ACTIVATE!

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6:00am:

Invader Zim Cupcake attack T-shirt
Black Skinny Jeans
Black and white Sk8-Hi Vans
Ed Hardy 'Love Kills Slowly' Belt
Fallen Angel Earrings
Fallen Angel Necklace
Black Elbow length Leather Gloves
Black Shield Sunglasses
Black Hoodie(Outfit on Profile)

And then we get ridiculous(er):

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That was the outfit I had on.
Under my gloves were
Adimantium blockers.
They cover my wrist
(my claws
can come out of them
if I bend them that way.
Weather my palm is
facing upward or
can out
either way.)knuckles,and
part of my fingers so I can't
make my hand into
a fist.

1) Adamantium blockers? Adamantium that sharp can't be blocked. That's the point. Unless you're wearing even more adamantium on top your wrists. Which is just silly.
2) That makes it sound like her claws are coming out from between her knuckles...

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Jesus Wept - it's X-23!

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For my make-up had:
Black and Dark Grey eyeshadow up to my eyebrows
Winged eyeliner style with Black liquid eyeliner
Brown mascara (but not much my eyelashes are naturaly
long but the mascara keeps them from falling into my eyes)
A Orange/Pink Color Juice Lip gloss
P.S I Love You perfume from Bath&Body Works

Being neither up on the latest cosmetics styles, nor a teenage girl... That sounds hideous.

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When I looked in the mirrior
I realized that I forgot to
flat iron my hair.
My hair was
mostly blue because when I
sleep my hair changes color.
Naturaly its brown and black.
But sometimes it goes to
blue and black,red and black,
or gold and black
Its rare
when my hair goes white and
black.

To which I can only say "of course it does."

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When I went downstairs I saw
my dad about to go out.

"Morn'in Bell."

(in french)"Morning dad.
Off to work?"

(in german)"Yes.
|hope you have a
good day at school."

(in swedish)"I think
we all know that there
is no such thing as a
good day at school."

We get it: Bella is superspecialawesome. Move the fuck along, plz.

Anyway, Bella arrives at school and proceeds to make friends with her charming ways.

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When I got out all eyes
were on me.I smirked
and yelled"WHAT THE
FUCK ARE YOU
LOOKING AT?"
There eyes nearly
popped out of there
heads.

...Is this being written from a Sue checklist and/or drinking game?

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"Hi,my name is Alice.
I was wondering if
you and your friends
would like to join me
and my family for lunch?"

"And by 'lunch', I mean 'eat you, you horrible weirdo no one will miss?'"

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"Why don't you ask them
Doll face?"I let my
Canadian accent fall
thick in my words.

Alice was confused as to why the girl turned into Humphrey Bogart.

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"Are you insulting
my sister?"Asked
a blond girl that
reminded me of a
barbie doll.

"Why 'cause I called
her Doll face?Me
calling a girl Doll face
is like a British calling
someone Love."

No. It. Is. Not. You. Twit.

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"These people bothering
you 'clipse."Asked Rogue.

"Nah Stripes they just
askin if we wanted to
join them for lunch is all."

"You like can't go a day
without a fight can you?"
asked Kitty.

"Have you met my father
or uncle half-pint?"

1) Banter: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
2) Logan doesn't always go around picking fights. Creed does, but he's a sociopath, not a role model.

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"Is it just me or
did your hair
change color again?"
asked Rogue.

"Don't you mean
she changed her
hair color?"asked
one of the pixies
bother with copper hair.

...Wut?

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"And you are?"I asked.

"Edward

"Your future, intensely unlikeable love interest."

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you and
your friends?"he asked.

"I'm Bella or Eclipse.
The girl with the white
in her hair is Marie or Rogue.
The boy is Bobby or Ice man
and the other one is Kitty or
Shadowcat."I said while
looking at my schedule.

Why the screaming blue fuck would she A) use their real names (hiding, remember?) B) use their code names? (Called it on Rogue's name, as well.)

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"How did you get the name
Eclipse?"Edward asked.

"Its my first name.I was
named that because I
was born at midnight
while there was an Eclipse."

"And I swear that's not something I made up to sound awesome!"

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"Realy thats so cool."said pixie.

"She said, tamping down on the urge to laugh in her face." (I don't have enough familiarty with Twilight to know who "the Pixie" is.)

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"Its nothin to brag about but
its the truth as far as I know."

"What do you mean?"asked the Pixie.

".I... Don't even know anymore."

And we have Chapter 3: The Day The Formatting Was Fixed.

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Chapter 3:

My first class was government history. The shit they put in these book aren't true anyways.

"They don't even have a chapter on the black Captain America!"

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Humans will believe anything. When I got to the class I walked up to the teacher and said.

"Hi, I'm Isabella one of the new students."

"Worship me at your leisure."

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While I was doing that the rest of the students came in. I sniffed the air and noticed that Edward and the blond male from the parking lot were in this class. Dear god is this payback for killing the bitch that was my mother?

So you can sniff them out with your back turned, from across the room... But couldn't tell, when they were literally right in front of you,
that they weren't human? Some ubergurl you are!

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I sat in front of Rouge. "What page are we on?" I asked Jasper.

"116. If you don't mind my asking, if your first name is Eclipse then why didn't you tell her your was that?"

"Because my name is Isabella. Which I told you not an hour ago, you undead dolt."

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"Because Eclipse is the name of a mutant. I have nothing against them but if humans think I'm a mutant they will try to kill me or shot me with 'the cure'. To mutants is takes away there powers, but for a human it would kill them." I responded while changing the page of the text book.

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"How do you know that its poison to humans? And how do you know that there's mutant a named Eclipse?"

For that matter, how do you know there's not five or six running around calling themselves that?

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"I've seen human get shot with those things. And a lot of mutants live in New York."

"You used to live in New York?"

"Yes."

"Have you ever been in Texas?"

"I was born there, Bub."

"Then why do you sound so Canadian?"

"Because my father is Canadian. And I lived in Europe for the majority of my life so mixing that in with the fact that English was never easy for me, talking without an accent ain't easy."

You speak in riddles, Sahib!

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"What about you mom?"

"Dead."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't be she had it coming."

And why are you telling this to someone you've known for less time than you spent on your homework?

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"What could your mother done to deserve death?"

"Once again your family has asked a personal question that has a answer that you don't wanna hear, Bub."

"Actually, if I didn't want to know, I wouldn't have aksed. That's the way questions work."

"Shut up! Being awesome!"

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End of chapter 3. What will come next? Review and you shall see.

Or not, because that's all there is and all there has been since December 2010. And not a single of value was lost.

Okay, correct me if I'm wrong (it's been a while since I read the Weapon X series) but wasn't he the only only reason Wolverine survived Rryker's procedure because of his immune system? Does that mean Bellla/whatever the hell her name is right now, also has a healing factor? Plus, as you pointed out, Ryker was killed. So unless he's risen from the dead (not that unlikely, this IS Marvel weren't talking about), there's no way he could turn Bella Sue into a female Wolverine. Not that I don't doubt Wolverine has a good many kids out there he doesn't know about (the man is several hundred years old and doesn't age), but why do they always have to be duplicate Sue's? And what's the likelihood that ALL of them would be mutants with the same powers s their father? Even Scott and Jean's son only inherited his mother''s psychic ability and none of his father's powers. And IIRF, Jean had a sister who wasn't a mutant. The only family I can think of that produced more than one mutant were the Guthries.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Okay, correct me if I'm wrong (it's been a while since I read the Weapon X series) but wasn't he the only only reason Wolverine survived Rryker's procedure because of his immune system?

His healing factor, yes. It's the reason he was selected, really. In the comics, anyway. Movieverse, who knows (I haven't watched X-Men Origins and don't plan on doing so, absent Rifftrax enhancement)?

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Does that mean Bellla/whatever the hell her name is right now, also has a healing factor?

I'm not sure. She showed Bella-23 as having Logan's super senses, so one can assume she's got the total Wolverine package.

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The only family I can think of that produced more than one mutant were the Guthries.

The Summers (Cyclops and his big screwed-up line of offspring, Havok), the Lensherrs[sp?] (Polaris, Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver), the Rasputins (Colossus, Magik, their reality-warping older brother Mikhail), and probably others I can't remember.

Freezer wrote:

Jesus Wept - it's X-23!

Well I could see X-23 wearing that terrible outfit, but orange/pink lipgloss paired with to-the-eyebrows black shadow? Not likely.

Freezer wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

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The only family I can think of that produced more than one mutant were the Guthries.

The Summers (Cyclops and his big screwed-up line of offspring, Havok), the Lensherrs[sp?] (Polaris, Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver), the Rasputins (Colossus, Magik, their reality-warping older brother Mikhail), and probably others I can't remember.

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Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Freezer wrote:

Jesus Wept - it's X-23!

Well I could see X-23 wearing that terrible outfit, but orange/pink lipgloss paired with to-the-eyebrows black shadow? Not likely.

Also in comics news. X-23 is currently the official FF babysitter.

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In case you don't get it

WD40 wrote:

Also in comics news. X-23 is currently the official FF babysitter.

Haha, that is actually pretty funny.

I love how that chart connects Cable and Deadpool with "other relationship". I guess that is what they are calling it these days, huh?

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

WD40 wrote:

Also in comics news. X-23 is currently the official FF babysitter.

Haha, that is actually pretty funny.

1: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
2: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
3: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

:D

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I love how that chart connects Cable and Deadpool with "other relationship". I guess that is what they are calling it these days, huh?

Not enough call for a full on "Frenemy" colour, I figure. :p

WD40 wrote:

:D

A match made in heaven!

WD40 wrote:

Not enough call for a full on "Frenemy" colour, I figure. :p

More like fuckenemy, amirite? *eyebrows*

Nitpicking here, but:

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Brown mascara (but not much my eyelashes are naturaly
long but the mascara keeps them from falling into my eyes)

...that person clearly doesn't have eyelashes. I mean what is she even talking about.

WD40 wrote:

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The irony is, that poster is actually easier to understand than most U.S. state and federal motor vehicle regulations.

I can't help imagining what would happen with this suetard actually did get dumped in Stryker's experimentation tank-thing---lots of spurting blood as the needles bored into her soft tissues and bone marrow.

Even assuming she did survive, remember that a hairy, beer-swilling jerk is her father and a hulking half-crazy brute who is more animal than human (and if the films are to be believed, gets off on killing women) is her uncle. Kid is doomed.

I am p sure that raping, dismembering, and eating ladies is 616 canon Sabretooth, it is the being Wolverine's brother bit that is iffy.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

I am p sure that raping, dismembering, and eating ladies is 616 canon Sabretooth, it is the being Wolverine's brother bit that is iffy.

IIRC, that's movie Canon. I think. In comics continuity they're unrelated. Though for a while Creed thought Logan was his son. (Long story)

Freezer wrote:

Though for a while Creed thought Logan was his son. (Long story)

IIRC, someone has thought they were related in basically every way at one point or another but then it turns out they are not. Or maybe they are some sort of cosmically connected reincarnated wolf deities or some dumb fucking shit like that. Who knows!? Certainly not Marvel!

Freezer wrote:

And we have Chapter 3: The Day The Formatting Was Fixed.

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Chapter 3:

My first class was government history. The shit they put in these book aren't true anyways.

"They don't even have a chapter on the black Captain America!"

Is it wrong that I wondered when "shit" became a mass noun like "wheat," "rice" or "deer?"

I stopped at the part where she used "Wolverine" as a surname.

Incidentally, my favorite bit of X-Men history is how we've had like three different "third Summers brother"s.