Eclipse of the Heart Or What one fanbrat thinks would happen if the Tool lived

Before I get started, I may need to explain a few things to those who have never played Mass Effect. Nihilus Kryik is the Turian that is paired up with Commander Shepard at the beginning of Mass Effect in order to investigate a distress signal on the remote Human colony of Eden Prime. His only purpose is to be the catalyst that sets the events of Mass Effect into motion with his murder by this dude.

That is it.

He serves no other purpose.
Except for the odd fan-girl out there who has not figured out that he is a CopyPasta clone of the Turian Councilor.
Enter Siha Krios. Apparently she fell in love with Nihilus and bawwed like a little bitch when he was shot in the back of the head by his own mentor.

Anywho, Eclipse of the Heart starts before the game's beginning with an intro and an invite to lunch so that Nihilus can pick Shepard's brain and we can establish her origin.

Ok, before I go much further...

SPECTRE: Special Tactics and Reconnaissance. Basicly, Black Ops for the Galactic Council.

It is also where I began to suspect that Ms. I-don't-know-canon-unless-it-bites-my-ass-off is turning the dynamic and wonderfully flawed character of Commander Shepard into a Bella Swan.

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Shepard tried to relax her shoulders. She was tense, like she was a teenager on her first date. She felt ridiculous for feeling that way, and she didn't understand why she should, but there is was. She could feel the warmth in her cheeks.

Ayup... I thought correctly.

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"I grew up on Earth. New York, mostly. Not in the nicest areas, but it was home. I did my best to avoid the gangs and drugs that ran in the streets. Joined the Alliance as soon as I was of age to get the hell outta Dodge."

And already I get the impression that this chick did not pay attention at all to the game. I strongly suspect that she was too busy Jilling off in the first five minutes of the game to figure out that Earthborn Shepard did join a gang when she was young. The Reds. In fact, Shepard runs into one of the guys she used to run with in the gang in a bar on the Citadel. He asks her to bust a friend of his out of C-Sec custody. This is one of the many instances where Shepard's personality is shaped by the actions of the player. Agree and get Renegade points, rat your former gang mate out and get Paragon points or forget it for nothing.

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"I never joined because I didn't feel right about the things they did. ... Slept in shelters, went to public school, volunteered in the kitchens to have some place safer to be." She paused for a moment. Remembering the old days was hard. She looked down at her glass on the table, ashamed of her past.

Jeez! Already I see Shepard becoming 'Other M'. Shepard, especially Fem!Shepard is a gritty, ballsy, no-nonsense type of person. She would not be this nervous around anyone! Hell, when she propositions Garrus in ME2, she shows no signs of shyness. Basicly she says, "Hey, why don't you come back to my place. You can practice your reach and I'll practice fucking you silly."

So basically we get from this first chapter that this Fem!Shepard is Earthborn, Warhero and Adept. And she picked up the Uke perk somewhere. This would have worked better with the Sole Survivor background instead of War Hero. It could have led to much more legitimate angst over having to watch your entire team being slaughtered by Thresher Maws. And not just slaughtered, dissolved by acid, ripped to shreds and all that good stuff.

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Shepard allowed herself a smirk. Both men were incredibly cute. However, she could only be sure she wouldn't break one of them.

Shepard did not know about Joker's Vrolik syndrome (AKA Osteogenesis Imperfecta) until Joker told her about it. Besides, she won't break him unless she rides him like a mechanical bull.

Blah blah blah, more pointless dialog. Presley expressing his mistrust of other races, foreshadowing Jenkins' demise.

Finely! We get to where the game begins and it's clogged up with more 'Other M' dialog. I think the author is a little confused about what 'daddy' and 'lover' mean. Scary.

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Alenko took cover. Then Jenkins moved out. Suddenly there was gunfire. Shots zinged through the air. Two armed scout bots hovered out from behind a rock. Jenkins didn't have a chance.

LEROY!!!

The writing is clipped. Description is short. No room for scenery. Why do I sound like Mordin?

Nihilus meets up with Saren, they share a few lines of dialog, then Nihilus dodges the bullet intended for the back of his head. Yes, like it says, this is where the story diverges completely from canon. Nihilus and Saren have a tousle, beat the crap out of each other and then...

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"I could have spared you the agony of your death, Nihlus," He choked out the words between gasps. "But you have chosen the way of pain!"

Sarumon? What are you doing here?

Anyway, Saren gets away and Nihilus is left to bleed out... only he doesn't. Shepard tosses him some Medi-Gel and the trio of Shepard, Kaiden and Ashley go after Saren, dodging Geth and disarming bombs all the way. All of this epic Shepard action is glossed over to the point that it seems to become meaningless. The story, though about Shepard, is told from Nihilus' perspective most of the time. So most of the wonderful buildup and development we got in the game is mostly gone.

The trio finely disarm all the bombs but Saren seems to have gotten away. They find the Prothean Beacon that the colonists dug up.

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Alenko was floating in mid air in front of the beacon! Shepard reacted without thinking, tackling Alenko and throwing him toward Williams. She tried to move, but something was wrong. Whatever force field or power had held Alenko now held her. She couldn't move.

The Beacon shoves disjointed images into Shepard's mind, which I am surprised the author kept instead of having Nihilus get them. But, I suppose that would have taken away Shepard's need to angst about every little thing. The four get back to the Normandy where Shepard wakes up with a massive headache and finds out that the Beacon was destroyed after she used it.

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He didn't envy the pain she have felt.

Tense? Where we're going, we don't need Tense.

Nihilus asks to debrief her in the comm room and takes out all his frustrations about Saren's betrayal on her.

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"I apologize. You did well, Commander," He nodded. "We should get to the air locks. The Council will be expecting us."

To do what? Float in space while the Normandy docks?

In the Council meeting Saren gives Nihilus the same shit he would have given Shepard with the Council, the Turian Councilor strangely giving Nihilus the most shit. See, Nihilus and the Turian on the Council hail from the same colony. There would be a bit more trust given to Nihilus than Saren since he is barefaced, meaning he does not wear the mark of his home colony on his face. Those who do not wear their colony's design are mistrusted in Turian society.

Nihilus would be given the benefit of the doubt and Shepard's word carrying more weight since she would be agreeing with Nihilus. This author apparently doesn't get that things would be vastly different in every respect if Nihlus had lived. This whole scene, for instance would have been much shorter with Saren being looked at with suspicion instead of being defended by the Council.

She write the Council as finding Saren guilty of murder and working with the Geth, but this is where the story gets weird. 50 more chapters of weird. You see, if the Council had found Saren guilty at the get go, there would have been no need to find Garrus, since he was investigating Saren as well. There would have been no need to find Wrex since he would have found out that Fist had information on Tali who had information on Saren that was used to convict him of his crimes.

So Garrus would have continued on with his career in C-Sec (Citadel Security), Wrex would have gone one with his Mercenary ways, and Tali would have been murdered in the back alleys of the Citadel Market District. See how just one person living when they weren't supposed to would fuck the entire story up?

Like the unimaginative writer she is, she sticks with the original plot of Mass Effect and starts building the team as Shepard would have were she still in possession of her own character. Their first stop is Harken in Chora's Den, a seedy strip bar on the Citadel.

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The music was loud and distasteful. The smells even more so. Asari dancers with exposed buttocks wiggled on a raised stage in the center of the room over the wet bar. Shepard felt her stomach turn in disgust.

One of the first things explained about Asari, aside from them being an all female race, is that they view sex much more openly than most other races. What the author tells me with this sentence is that she is not above using Shepard as her own personal soap box to express her opinions on issues such as stripping and sexuality in general. I don't want to hear about the author's opinions on culture at large. I want her to tell me a story, not preach to me.

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Hey, sweetheart. Your bod's lookin' real nice in that soldier getup. Why don't you sit down here on Harkin's lap and see where things go?" Harkin smiled drunkenly up at her and patted his thigh.

Harken is basically a sleazy, drunken jackass in canon, however the whole exchange has Shepard's badass sucked out through her nose as Nihilus stops her from soiling her pure little fists on Harken's face.

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Sonya raised her gun for another swing when Nihlus steadied her hand and shook his head. She reluctantly complied and clipped the pistol back in place. As soon as the gun clicked into it's hold, Nihlus let his hand fly back into Harkin's already bruising face, knocking him out of his chair. Shepard was taken back. She looked at Nihlus' stern face, his brow plates knitted in a scowl. Why had he defended her?

Why, indeed. I strongly suspect that Siha is taking her inspiration for Nihilus from a certain highly publicized yet poorly written vampire saga. Just a hunch.

The two find Garrus and defend the doctor of the clinic from Fist's men who are trying to shake her down for information. Nihilus takes the lead here as well and the three skip off merrily to find Wrex who knows where Fist is. And if you figured out that this doctor would have had terrible, horrible, awful, no good things done to her as a result of Nihilus not needing to come looking for Garrus, give your self a cookie.

The now foursome get back into Chora's Den and kill the ever loving shit out of every mercenary and guard until all that is left standing in their way are two dock workers with the resolve of wet tissue paper. The two guards flee leaving the four of them to deal with Fist. After a bit of coercing from Nihilus' fist and Wrex's shot gun he tells them where the Quarian with information on Saren is.

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"No one meets the Shadow Broker, ever! But she didn't know that." Fist grinned. "I told her I'd set a meeting up. It'll be Saren's men waiting for her."

The four rush to save the Quarian, but not before Wrex shoots Fist in the face for shits, giggles and a fistful of credits which aggravates Nihilus' PMS.

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Tali Zora nar Ryya was unharmed and willing to share her information with them. They took her to the human embassy. The ambassador would need to hear the evidence as well. Tali had seen a group of geth, curious as to why they had ventured beyond the Veil, she . Eventually she was able to single one out, then disabled information she had recovered from the audio banks of the get was a recorded conversation. One Nihlus found very interesting.

The audio recordings are of Saren speaking of the success at Eden Prime along with the voice of another woman whom the Asari Councilor recognizes as Matriarch Benezia. Another cookie to those who figured out that if Nihilus had lived, neither he or Shepard would know this right now.
However this is also where the story diverges even further from Canon. This is where the Council, seeing that Saren has indeed turned Rogue revoke his Spectre status and task Shepard, as the first human Spectre with his arrest.

However, since Nihilus is still alive, and the Council has already renounced Saren's Spectre status, Shepard is still just Commander Shepard. Still relegated to the position as XO and not CO and Spectre. Basically, she's riding bitch for the time being.

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The vertigo came then went as they dropped out of FTL and Joker finished off the experience with the arrival stats to Artemis Tau.

It almost felt like a threesome for the pilot. It put a grin on his face to think of it that way. How else would he ever get two women at once and not end up in a body cast after? And it was practically guaranteed every day. How many guys could say that about their love life? Yeah, he was a lucky man.

Curiously, Joker seems to be straddling the line between IC and OOC. On the one hand, he is in character with his love of flying the Normandy and the sense of freedom he gets from piloting her. And again he is way out of character with the level of auto erotica displayed towards the Normandy. It's at once charming and at the same time, repulsive.

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"There is an asari scientist that specializes in Prothean history and archaeology. I believe, if she is not already working with Saren, that he will be seeking her services... by force if necessary. It would be in our best interest, and hers, if we get to her first." Kryik explained. He continued to glare at the floor.

Again, I see evidence of the plot being poorly thought out. Had Nihilus survived, he would not know about Benezia, nor her daughter. And if anyone has saved this mission for last knows that if you dawdle too long in rescuing her, she will be crazy as a loon having spent all that time confined alone in that forcefield. However, there would be no rescue for her if Nihilus had lived. Saren's Geth would eventually have figured out how to bring the force field down and she would be dead.

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"I think we should do this mission alone." He wasn't unaware of the innuendo that could have been interpreted from that statement. He realized he wouldn't mind it.

Immediately, Nihlius feels attracted to Shepard, even though any relationship of the sort would seriously compromise his evaluation of her as a Spectre. Objectivity is not this author's strong suit.

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"...There's a mining laser over there." Kryik pointed out the machinery below them. "Maybe we use it to make a way in." He suggested.

Slowly, Nihilus is taking command away from Commander Shepard. Had he died, it would have been Shepard suggesting to her party to use the mining laser and they who would have expressed concern. Almost immediately, Shepard has been reduced to a secondary role as just another party member.

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The characters on the keyboard looked familiar, but she didn't know what they said. She put her fingers on the console and hoped her fingers would 'know' what to do. She tapped a few keys and the lift jolted to life, raising them up to Liara's level.

Of course, Shepard does not tell Nihilus about how she was able to operate the lift and the force field controls even though she does so in game. Stilted drama seems to be a specialty of crapthors.

The three make it back to the Normandy with the dig site crumbling around them from the mining laser blast. Instead of going directly to Liara and picking her brain, we go to the infinitely more uninteresting 'date' between Shepard and Nihilus. The awkward, forced dialog between the two is almost as painful as a Dextro-Amino allergic reaction would be.

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"...You seem to be developing a habit of taking risks." Nihlus relaxed into the sofa. "I have no doubts that you would have survived on your own. Though, I don't think you would have used the same tactics. Getting plowed by a krogan is never a pleasant experience."

See what I mean. I understand this was intentional but that does not mean it is any less painful to read.

The two share their feelings on their past and then kiss.

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Her lips physically felt the same as an asari's, but there was a spark that ignited a fire in him that he had never felt before. She started to pull back. His free talons snaked into her hair, cradling her head. He returned the kiss as best he could. She moaned against his lips, encouraging him, building his desire.

Never mind that this alone would send them both into a deadly allergic reaction because of their vastly different Amino acid make ups, they have only known each other for the better part of a couple of days and Nihilus has just been tasked with her training and evaluation as a Spectre.

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She eagerly crawled under the white sheets on her bed with her special toy. Multiple settings and a self sustaining power source, noiseless and approximately three inches long. Perfect. It didn't penetrate deep enough to deflower her, if she still needed deflowering, but it got the job done.

All this tells me is that Shepard is a virgin and quite possibly much too young to have been in the military and in the N7 training program. Either that or her Emotional age is several years if not a decade behind her actual age, which makes me wonder who in their right mind would recommended her for Spectre status.

Noveria, which Nihilus would not know to go to had he survived since he wouldn't need to go looking for everyone else, is written in the same dry and unimaginative narration that it makes me wonder why she wrote it in the first place. Shepard seems to have been made a secondary character, however the story moves on as though nothing has changed. It all feels forced and incomplete with the author's stilted style of prose. They meet Administrator Anoleis in exactly the same manner, with exactly the same dialog. The only thing that has changed is who is doing the speaking and even then it matters little. The only thing different here are Liara's observations on Shepard and Nihilus' behavior toward one another.

The three take Parasini's option to get to Peak 15 for the confrontation with Benezia. The only sign that Shepard is holding on to some semblance of her authority is when she urges Nihilus to consider waiting until morning to take the Mako to Peak 15 since driving in the dark during a blizzard would likely be hazardous to the mission not to mention their health.

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"Commander, I expect you to report to my quarters. I think we need to have a little 'chat' about who's in charge of this mission." He wasn't thinking about conversation when he gave her the order.

I wonder what he really wants.

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"Yes. We need to discuss your behavior in the port." He said firmly, loud enough for those in the mess to know what was going on. ... "Relax, Shepard. I'm not going to reprimand you." He said casually.
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"I can't evacuate the deck every time I want to see you, can I?" He smiled.

So he uses the facade of reprimanding Shepard to get her alone, thus further diminishing her crew's opinion of her and making Nihilus seem more the stereotypical Turian. Good job, Siha.
The two descend into talking about their feelings about one another, Nihilus tuning Shepard out because he is undressing her with his eyes. We also get the millionth occurrence of a Turian in fanfic purring. Apparently, fangirls think that Turians are cats instead of avian as it says in canon. Even if she failed biology she would be able to figure out that a bird is a little different than a cat.

The three get to Peak 15 and nothing changes except that the dialog with the staff of Peak 15 as well as the small side quest to recover lost data for one of the doctors is completely cut. Not one single mention of it is made, cheapening the scene. The three make their way through hordes of Rachni, Geth, mercenaries and Asari Commandos working for Benezia as they repair the systems and make their way to the Hot Labs where Benezia is.

Liara's feelings about confronting her mother are touched on briefly before the story gets back to the OTP. Shepard remembers her time in the orphanage and Nihilus comforts her with his tongue as they make their way to the glossed over the Research Facility.

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The card worked. Their weapons were at the ready, prepared for whatever they may find at the bottom of the shaft. Shepard saw Kryik's brow plates raise when there was nothing more than a single man sitting in a chair in the center of the room. He moved forward with caution.

There is no mention of the mentally disturbed Volus who watched a close colleague get butchered by the Rachni. No mention of the doctors who are trying to treat an illness that has popped up because of the release of a weaponized virus. Nothing about the cigar smoking Elcor or the Asari Commando team that ambushes Shepard in the facility.
All those scenes had their own charm and heartbreak and the mission seems lesser without them.

The three use the card from the man to initiate a Neutron Purge to kill all the Rachni that had escaped and then move on to confront Benezia. After throwing her entire Commando squad at Nihilus, Benezia is finely able to break free of the indoctrination long enough to tell the three that Saren is looking for the Mu Relay, the location to which she took from the Rachni Queen's mind.

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Gradually Liara's body was surrounded by a faint blue aura. She knew she would have t kill her mother. It was the only way. A single tear rolled down her cheek.

This is all we get to let us know that Liara is having as hard a time as we expect her to have with the knowledge that she will have to kill her own mother.

For those who have not played, I won't spoil it too much. However once Benezia is dead, the Rachi Queen makes a request to Nihilus instead of Shepard to set her free and be allowed to rebuild her civilization. Nihilus agrees and sets the Queen free and the three make their way back out of Peak 15 and back to the Normandy.

Again, instead of comforting Liara and learning a little more of her past and possibly forging a friendship with the young Asari, we are instead 'treated' with yet another scene with Nihilus and Shepard together.

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Nihlus had just finished talking with the Council about their last mission. They were not happy about his decision to free the queen, especially the turian and fellow clansman.

I find it interesting to note that if Shepard decides to destroy the Rachni Queen, the Turian Councilor bitches about Shepard's genocidal tenancies which leads to one of the most awesome exchanges between the two.

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"Are all humans as prone to Genocide as you, Sheapard?"
"Depends on the species, Turian."

Of course that exchange comes with a side of Renegade points, so use at your own risk.

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"Shepard. Did you need something?" He snapped. He hadn't meant to. Shepard continued to walk down the ramp, unafraid.

"I'm sorry," He said, the Spectre armor and mask melting away in her presence behind the closed doors. "You didn't deserve that." He shook his head, then started pacing the room. "The Council won't believe anything I tell them about the Reapers! I can't believe they're so blind!" His mandibles flared with rage, his talons in fists at his sides.

Nihilus seems to be developing the habit of taking out his frustrations on Shepard. And also, again, Nihilus would not be having this problem with the Council. They would be skeptical, yes. However, they would be more inclined to take him at his word about the Reapers and prepare accordingly.

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Shepard wasn't sure what to do with an angry turian.

Easy, you point it at the nearest Krogan and let it go.

I will not subject you to the sex scene that follows. I will only describe it as 'Ikea Erotica with plastic action figures in a hot oven whilst fluids of all types spray out of every orifice below the equator.'


The mission to Feros is treated in the exact same manner as all other previous missions. Dialog is not changed even though the speaker is not Shepard. Nihilus also seems to slip more and more into Saren's shoes so to speak as Douche-bag of the year.

What's added to this is Tali's personality seemingly replaced by a Jr. High school girl who didn't get picked for the cheerleader squad. All the complexity and depth of her character is done away with in order to make her more in line with what the author thinks she should be; Shepard's second fiddle.

Nihilus, Shepard and Tali find out that Zhu's Hope was being used as guinea pigs for a Thorian;

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The Thorian was a sentient life form, able to control other life forms through the dispersion and inhalation of spores. ExoGeni was studying the effects and speed of infection. The entire colony was an experiment. That was why they had acted strangely. Kryik suspected it was also why Saren was after the creature. He had to destroy it.

The dialog about it from the ExoGeni VI was glossed over in the fic, which was a shame because the whole exchange was quite interesting.

Instead we get Nihilus being a massive dick and Shepard too cowed to do anything about it until finely she has had enough. Nihilus is killing the colonists who are all being controlled by the Thorian and attacking them instead of incapacitating them. Though, had Nihilus pulled his head out of his ass long enough, he would have found that helping the survivors would have given him away to knock the colonists out without killing them.

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We don't have people to spare either. You're no better than Saren if you think gunning down victims of the very thing you seek to destroy is an acceptable sacrifice for the good of the whole."

Which would seem like a good talk until one realizes that Shepard had been gunning Colonists down with Nihilus before getting tired of it and calling him out. It seems to work with Nihilus changing tactics and protecting the colonists until they can get to the Thorian.

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The Thorian groaned again and the mouth fluxuated. Something was coming out of it. He backed away, pistol drawn.

What came out was not what he expected. It was an asari. A green asari, with silvery eyes that seemed dull despite their shine. And she was nude.

Now, in game, the Asari is not nude. Perhaps the fanbrat thought more logical to have the cloned Asari come out nude, but whatever.

The three kill the Thorian by cutting it's supports and letting it plummet to it's death.

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Near by another fleshy pod on the wall tore open. The team readied weapons. What was birthed was not a creeper. It looked like another clone, but this one was blueish purple and clothed.

"I'm free!" The asari breathed.

...

Shiala was a follower of Benezia. When the Lady matriarch joined Saren so had she. When Saren sought the Thorian, she was traded for information the Thorian had. Once he had it, he tried to destroy the Thorian. He failed and fled.

So, basically, Shiala gives Shepard the Cypher to understand the visions from the beacon. Like any delicate woman, Shepard feints afterward, which is totally un-Shepardlike and the Asari shares a small nugget of wisdom from out of no where, before the three return to the Normandy to continue plagiarizing their way across the galaxy.

Shepard and Nihilus share a rather strained conversation in the med-bay. The banter is meant to be teasing, however it just comes off as awkward and forced which seems to be the theme for Nihilus and Shepard's relationship. The sex scene that follows is a little more soft core and less urpled, however it still suffers from the stilted writing that makes it seem like a 5th grader wrote this in her little pink and purple flowery diary.

But, of course, open love is not as sexy as forbidden fruit, so the two must sneak around like star-crossed lovers just to be together.

Vermire and we have the same plagiarizing going on yet again. This time with the added benefit of Nihilus marking his territory on Shepard. Thankfully it is done like a cat with scent glands rather than like a dog by peeing all over everything. Although I would not put it past this fanbrat to have thought of that for a while. The whole mission goes down exactly as in the game, not one lick of difference with Nihilus being here except who says what instead of what is said.

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You know, just from your snark, I kinda want to play Mass Effect now. I'm only afraid that I'll do it and have the memory of this...this haunting me all the way through.

Also,
'...if the adoptive child was an orphan by death of parents.'
What the fuck other kind of orphan is there, I'd like to know?

You can romance Garrus is ME2? I'm so getting the game now. And I hate woobified Shepard, I made my Shepard a bitch, haha.

Also, virginity doesn't work that way.

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He left the railing to point a sharp talon in her face. He was seething, and he was wrong. He should not have been reprimanding her. He should have been praising her for her exemplary performance against the geth, and whatever those husks were. She had rescued the survivors, gleaned important information and probably saved his life. But she had lost the beacon, and one of her team. Mostly he was taking his feelings of abandonment from Saren's treachery out on her. An abnormal loss of control on his part.

Thanks for spelling out exactly what the character was doing instead of allowing us to figure it out for ourselves.

Jesus Christ, this Shepard is the whiniest bitch ever, and she doesn't even have the woobie-backstory! If you're gonna try and make her vulnerable, why not go for the Colonist/Sole Survivor route for maximum trauma? Of course, she's way too vulnerable here for her to have made it anywhere in the military, let alone Commander. She's also unbearably teenage for a hardened military woman who supposedly won the Blitz. And too damn submissive. FemShep is a badass, dammit. Stop making her not badass.

Also, gotta love turian/human kissing, because turians totally have lips and no razor-sharp teeth.

Love the inability to decide whether Shepard is bi or straight, virgin or experienced. You got some consistency skills, author.

Her name is "Siha Krios"? I WONDER WHO SHE ROMANCED IN ME2

Seriously, what the fuck was with that Joker scene? There was so much concentrated fail there. Like the constant mentioning of Joker's disease. I get it, he can't have sex, move forward.

I also love how this author has no clue just how strongly Nihlus' death drives the plot. Without it, there was no reason to seek out Garrus, Wrex or Tali, no need for the scene with Harkin, nothing. Having Nihlus live isn't the worst idea in the world - dumbass romance shit notwithstanding - but you have to take into account how his survival would effect the overall plot. Hell, with Nihlus still alive, the Reaper plotline could completely shift - the Council would be more likely to believe a proven Spectre, wouldn't they? They'd have no reason to suspect Saren was making shit up because Nihlus wouldn't have heard Tali's evidence.
So much wasted potential.

Also, her writing style really blows. The constant shift tenses, the repetition, the sentence fragments, the repetition, the inability to use commas, and the repetition make it nigh-unreadable. Also, what's with this sentence?

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Nihlus' eyes narrowed and his mandibles pressed flat against his salarian knew too much for his own good.

Jesus, try reading over your work, author.

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The bast wasn't as strong as it had been when she saved Liara.

Dear Fanbrat:

The Egyptian Cat Goddess is not amused at being referenced in this fic.

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I've never understood why so many authors insist on doing "one thing is different" AUs where they novelize (poorly, but that's besides the point) the whole...damn...thing...instead of just cutting to the things that would logical change. Or even the things they think would logically change, which is probably going to be bad logic, but still. We've played the damn game, the point of fanfiction is to do something else with the material, not re-hash the material. (Of course, there are two novelizations of of Mass Effect that are worth reading, one done by someone who knows how to use the advantages of a written medium to make canon fresh and more interesting, and another done Ciaphas Cain-style, but the key quality in their favor is actually fleshing out what we've seen more instead of repeating it in incredibly stilted, non-descriptive sentences.)

What's really terrible about this is that it could be a serviceable idea, especially by a decent author who'd played Mass Effect 2 and learned that Nihlus could be an awful person Tela Vasir-style if the job demanded it. Instead, it has to be a romance.

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Shepard met his gaze. Her voice thanked him and offered a suggestion that it was luck. Her eyes were a wanting beast of desire, ravaging him. It made him nervous in a different way. His gut tingled, his loins warmed, and his mandibles fluttered a nervous grin.

Every time this thing uses the word "loins," I think of this. Of course, if the author is Rose Nylund or Blanche trying to be a romance novelist, it would explain everything.

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"Hey Commander," He called to her, "Are you gonna stand there all day, cause I gotta warn ya... things get kinda personal up here around eleven-hundred hours." He teased.

"I'll see ya after thirteen-hundred hours then." She teased back.

"Commander! I think you over estimate my libido, but thanks for the compliment." His smile widened as he glanced back at her.

"Oh my god..." Shepard threw her hands up and walked away. "I'm outta here." She could still hear Joker laughing as she descended the stairs.

The fact that I write Joker 'shipped with a male Shepard makes this not-romance subplot twice as hilarious for me.

This whole thing is just another plagiarized episode from the game with little changed except for Nihilus giving the orders instead of Shepard. In fact, I would go so far as to call this:


So Shepard, Nihilus, Garrus and Kaiden sneak in the back door to Saren's cloning facility, smack around some Krogans and take the Paragon way inside. *Confetti* And we barely get into the base before Nihilus starts harping on his 'love' for Shepard again. Didn't he resolve this little problem last chapter?

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He found himself wondering, if only for a few seconds between gunfire, why the fates had sent him a human to be his mate... His mate?

It almost sounds like he woke up that morning with a hangover with some woman he didn't know with her name tattooed on his willy.

I still think that this girl took writing lessons from Pokey the Puppy.

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"This is bad." Vakarian said, mostly to himself, but Shepard was near by.

He could still smell the sent of Nihlus on her, the musk her their mating. His curiosity took his mind down a carnal path as his blue-green eyes traveled over the armored curves of her body. He wondered what her hair felt like, what she sounded like, how her soft flesh would feel under the touch of his talons...

And then he gets shot in the head.

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"Yeah, my shields took most of the damage." He said, hiding his embarrassment.

Too bad...

They fight their way through the base, killing everything in sight as Kaiden sets up the nuke and Ashley takes out the AA guns. The whole thing takes nothing of Nihilus' presence into account as far as dialog other than to give all of Shepard's lines to other people and leave her as an emotionally stunted tag-a-long.

The only time any dialog is changed is the bitch fight between Nihilus and Saren over Nihilus' relationship with Shepard and even then she is still a 5th wheel in the whole thing.

Anyway, the facility is blow'd up, Ashley is sacrificed and Kaiden wakes up and mopes because while he was holding a torch for Shepard he was starting to like Ashely. But now that he realizes that he has no chance with the Commander, he goes all emo. I hope he realizes that there's a hot Asari chick who hasn't even hit the Matron stage yet wandering around the Normandy.

Over the next ten chapters, Liara shares Shepard's vision, though in a totally different place and time. The Council STILL has not made Shepard a Spectre and I have begun to seriously question her relevance in this story. With Nihilus alive, I don't think there is a need for Shepard. She might be a squad member or even an NPC but I doubt she would be as important here as she is in canon.

With Nihilus being the one reporting on Sovereign, the Council as a whole would be more likely to accept his report on them. It was Shepard's being human that caused such a rift between her and the Turian Councilor, not the believability of the information. Remember, Saren is a Turian as well. A very well established and respected Spectre and it takes absolute and damning evidence to turn the Council against him.

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"He's playing you, Kryik." The turian Councillor scoffed.

The Turian Councilor tells Shepard this because he believes her to be jumping to conclusions about Saren's doings. Nihilus, on the other hand, being from the same colony as the Councilor, would be able to get so much more done. He would have been instructed to train Shepard as a Spectre, however, knowing his past as a Spectre, it is highly unlikely that he would ever get involved romantically with Shepard in any way. He wouldn't discourage Garrus, Liara, Ashley or Kaiden from doing so but he himself would not. He puts the mission first.

Also, with Saren being Nihilus mentor and friend, all of Nihilus' personal files, as well as his files on Shepard would have been passed to Saren upon Nihilus' death. This would have included a psychological profile which gave Saren a distinct advantage in evading capture. He would not have been able to do so with Nihilus alive.

Anyway... now that we have that dry dissertation out of the way:

I'll not bore you with another sex scene and endless ramblings about love and acceptance until I wonder if I am in a badly translated Yu-Gi-Oh episode.

They dock at the Citadel after the side mission with Garrus to track down a Dr. Heart. Basically, a doctor who uses slaves to grow replacement organs in to sell on the black market. Nasty stuff. Anyway, Nihilus takes Vikarian down the Renegade path during the mission, using the lines that Shepard would have used... again.

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"Good job, Shepard." Udina greeted her. "Thanks to you and Kryik the Council is finally taking real action against Saren! They may even grant you Spectre status... just in time if you ask me."

"What about reinforcements to go to Ilos?" Kryik added.

"Ilos is only accessible through the Mu relay deep inside the Terminus systems, Spectre. If we send a fleet in there the only out come is full-scale war." the salarian Councillor rebuked.

"One ship going into the Terminus systems won't start a war. The Normandy is equipped with the best cloaking technology out there. I can be discreet." Shepard said confidently.

"You detonated a nuclear device on Virmire!" Shouted the turian Councillor. "I wouldn't call that discreet. Ilos requires a deft touch. We have the situation under control."

And here, once again the story takes it in the ass because if Nihilus had indeed lived, the Turian Councilor would have praised him for improvising the nuclear device and agreed whole heartedly to send the Normandy to the Mu Relay. In fact, if Nihilus had lived, Mass Effect would probably have been only an 8 hour game since all of the things that made it worth while would have been stripped because Nihilus, Super Spectre was there to save the day.

Also, if Nihilus was in charge of the mission they would not have been grounded and I would have been treated to Udina being bitch slapped more times than I could at.

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"How can he do that? It's not his ship! Technically it's not even the Alliance's ship any more. It belongs to the Council and ergo me. They did just make me a Spectre and a Spectre needs a ship!" She slapped her hands around the rail, squeezing it as hard as she could.

Too bad her sudden stroke of badass is short lived. But I just realized something. Where is Wrex? I haven't seen hide nor scale of him since Vermire and I know he survived. Huh, weird.

Anyway, they go to Flux, which is one of the many bars on the Citadel, though considerably less seedy than Chora's Den. There they meet Anderson and he gives them two choices for getting the Normandy back; either have him go into the Citadel Control Center to force them to unlock the Normandy's controls and risk dying in the resulting fire-fight, or use Udina's console to resend the order to ground the Normandy by much safer means.

Captain Anderson knocks Udina out with one punch, hacks the computer and resends the grounding order and the Normandy is on it's way.

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Everyone she passed was whispering about their disbelief that they had stolen the Normandy. Garrus had a different take on it, as well as Wrex. They both agreed with the 'crazy' diagnosis, but they were loven' it.

There Wrex is. And just like that, he's forgotten again. Though if you go around and talk to everyone on board afterward they have some pretty awesome things to say. I'll not spoil them, but Wrex and Joker are always a good source of lulz.

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On top of that the migraines plagued him daily. They seemed to get worse the closer they got to their goal. He hated that the idea of becoming dependant on meds to sleep, but if he didn't take them he wouldn't and that made the migraines even worse. Lately it was getting to where he needed them to function on duty.

Poor Kaiden, manhandled by a canon ignorant fanbrat must be hard. The migraines only come after a tiring display of biotics which is common for those with L2 implants. If Shepard had spent more time out of Nihilus' bed she might have picked up the schematics for the L3's and L4's which would have taken care of those migraines.

The story grinds to a halt as it describes what each of the team members not mentioned in twenty or so chapters are doing. Not surprisingly, Garrus is thinking about Shepard and Nihilus' relationship now that they are officially bonded. She does make a decent point about trailblazers in any field being brave and all but it's sort of watered down by the 'Bawww! Why not me?'

Tali. Oh, Tali, where to begin? Still reduced to backup babe to Shepard, pining for Nihilus in the depths of the Engine room. She had such a complex and rich character, wonderful development and was a great companion to have with Garrus on the long elevator rides that Mass Effect is infamous for. The banter between these two is chock full of WIN that it makes me so sad not to see it here. Not even referenced. Not once. Such wasted opportunities for lulz.

Nihilus mopes around in the cockpit with Joker, who is weirdly half in and half out of character for this whole thing. I realize he loves the Normandy because piloting makes him feel like his disease doesn't exist but this is taking his character a bit too far into auto-erotica territory for my taste.

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Joker liked the quiet, but he liked company too. Either way was okay with him, especially if it was a cute girl. But then the ship might get jealous. It was best this way.

Weird...

So, during the hours of travel, Garrus tunes up the Mako and falls asleep while it's running diagnostics. How does Shepard thank him?

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"Garrus Vakarian, get out of that chair, now!" Shepard shouted.

Garrus woke with a start, his eyes wide and limbs flailing. He lost his balance and fell out of the chair in a heap and loud thump to the cold floor. The sound of Sonya's belts of laughter brought his eyes up to her reddening face. Shaking his head at himself as well has her, he got up with a grunt. Everything ached. He rubbed the back of his neck.

And we see that Shepard has been taking Dickish lessons from Nihilus.

Anyway, the scene where the crew of the Normandy debate on whether or not the Mako can make a landing with less than twenty meters of space before walls would rudely interrupt their forward momentum. But, of course, the ultimate decision falls to Nihilus and not Shepard as to whether or not they make the jump.

They roll out in the Mako and make the drop straight down to the planet's surface and Nihilus is busy looking deeply into Shepard's eyes when he should be focused on what's in front of him since he is driving...

And then they hit a wall and die in roaring flames.

Well, they almost do.

Saren gets into the complex and shuts the door on them. Rude not to invite them to the party. But, being crafty people they find another way in. On the way they find a hologram with a message on it. Here we get the first hint that the Conduit on Ilos and the Citadel are connected but that won't be answered until they get into the complex and meet up with an AI named Vigil.

I won't spoil it again, however, they get the go ahead to go through the Conduit and they land right on the Citadel as it is being attacked. And all the while Shepard's role in the whole thing becomes smaller and smaller.

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There were no enursha dampeners on the mako.

They fight their way to the Council chambers where Sovereign is busy playing fellatio with the tower.

Anyway, they find Saren in the Council chambers fucking with the settings. There is a tense stand off, Nihilus takes Shepard's lines once again and convinces Saren to cap his own ass. Then he turns into a husk and they have to fight him all over again which kills Sovereign. The fleet bombs the hell out of the Reaper and it explodes. As a last act of defiance it gives the finger, a 200 foot long finger to Nihilus and Shepard crashing through the Council tower.

Nihilus has an out of body experience A la Transformers 2 and has a nice little chat with his father about his destiny...

Nihilus gets all the glory, even the broken arm that was supposed to be Shepard's. Anyway, the galaxy is saved for the moment and Shepard and Nihilus have some alone time.

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"I think a little one on one therapy may hop that arm, and a nap." She said with a smirk.

Yea...you do that.

This fanbrat butchered Mass Effect from beginning to end with all the finesse of a one-armed paranoid skitzo in a paint shaker. Shepard is a strong, complex and flawed character who's personality is shaped by the player's decisions. She can be the Paragon of all that is good, a Renegade to the core or somewhere in between. But what this author did to Shepard was turn her into a puppet devoid of any real personality in order to romance someone who, in all honesty, was designed specifically to die.

With Nihilus alive, the whole story was thrown out of place because if he had survived, there would have been no need for the story in the first place. He would not have met with the resistance Shepard did nor would he have needed the crew that Shepard did.

The story was completely and utterly pointless.

And there are two sequels... Oh, joy.

So what I'm getting from this whole thread is that this is a really bad fic but only if you've played Mass Effect, and how dare the author etc.

just about sums it up.

Generally the best way to get a feel for the game is to read or watch a play-through or play it yourself...

Just my opinion, no need to go spreading it around.

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There were no enursha dampeners on the mako.

Did Gordon Freeman wet on the platform?

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On top of that the migraines plagued him daily. They seemed to get worse the closer they got to their goal. He hated that the idea of becoming dependant on meds to sleep, but if he didn't take them he wouldn't and that made the migraines even worse. Lately it was getting to where he needed them to function on duty.

God, what does this author have against grammar? There are random "that"s and "the"s everywhere in the fucking thing. How do you make the same mistake every other paragraph and never notice? How does it sound right in her head at all?

I guess we should be thankful there's no chat-speak, really.

Cyberwulf wrote:

So what I'm getting from this whole thread is that this is a really bad fic but only if you've played Mass Effect, and how dare the author etc.

just about sums it up.

So you haven't played it and...thus have a problem with bad fanfiction from it getting sporked? What? Why not just ignore the thread?

Alhazred wrote:

Cyberwulf wrote:

So what I'm getting from this whole thread is that this is a really bad fic but only if you've played Mass Effect, and how dare the author etc.

just about sums it up.

So you haven't played it and...thus have a problem with bad fanfiction from it getting sporked? What? Why not just ignore the thread?

If a fanfiction is truly bad enough to be here, its badness should be apparent to people who aren't members of the fandom. Think of what we've got in Golden Oldies. That kind of badfic. Perhaps this fanfiction falls into that category, but I can't tell because the OP hasn't bothered to write a proper review and is instead lazily MSTing THE WHOLE FUCKING THING.

And are you seriously hauling out "omg just ignore it"? Why don't we all just ignore bad fanfiction/movies/television/music/videogames etc.?

Cyberwulf wrote:

If a fanfiction is truly bad enough to be here, its badness should be apparent to people who aren't members of the fandom. Think of what we've got in Golden Oldies. That kind of badfic. Perhaps this fanfiction falls into that category, but I can't tell because the OP hasn't bothered to write a proper review and is instead lazily MSTing THE WHOLE FUCKING THING.

I reserve opinion on whether this is "badfic enough" (though taking a character's dialogue and action and transplanting it whole to a canon!Sue is preeetty bad I'd say)—but out of curiosity, what sort of review do you mean?

Like, a "this-is-the-general-plot-and-here's-why-it's-bad" review, or a "characters are OOC, grammar is atrocious, D-" sort of thing?

I ask because I actually wasn't aware any sort of review was necessary when snarking a fic.

I would've thought everything you need to know about the game was contained in the first paragraph of the OP.

In Mass Effect, this happens:

1.) You see your bad self walking down the down the middle of the Normandy, a ship upon which you are currently serving as executive officer.
2.) You talk to the ship's helmsman and a Marine lieutenant, who are discussing the alien Spectre aboard the ship. Snarky Helmsman Joker is convinced his presence means that something's up.
3.) You're called into the ship's comm room where you meet the ship's CO, Captain Anderson, and the alien Spectre, Nihlus. Cue some mission-related exposition. Suddenly, a distress signal comes in from Eden Prime, the planet you were headed to and were about to reach anyway.
4.) You, the Marine lieutenant (Kaidan) and a redshirt land on the planet with Nihlus, who splits off to do his own thing.
5.) You find the colony is under some sort of attack. Redshirt is killed by attacks that you and Kaidan will shrug off with ease.
6.) Nihlus gets shot in the back by another Turian Spectre, who has something to do with the attack.
7.) You find Nihlus all corpsified and gross. A witness tells you what happened.

This is the extent that Nihlus has anything to do with the plot of Mass Effect whatsoever. You can be professionally courteous to him or xenophobically rude, or neutral, but there sure as hell isn't anything to base a romance off of. Shepard and Nihlus never meet before Captain Anderson introduces them, there's no time to grab lunch, and really in total Shepard probably sees Nihlus alive for a grand total of 15 minutes.

Penguin wrote:

Shepard and Nihlus never meet before Captain Anderson introduces them, there's no time to grab lunch, and really in total Shepard probably sees Nihlus alive for a grand total of 15 minutes.

There have been character fandoms based on less, as I can personally—

I mean. I'm sure.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Alhazred wrote:

Cyberwulf wrote:

So what I'm getting from this whole thread is that this is a really bad fic but only if you've played Mass Effect, and how dare the author etc.

just about sums it up.

So you haven't played it and...thus have a problem with bad fanfiction from it getting sporked? What? Why not just ignore the thread?

If a fanfiction is truly bad enough to be here, its badness should be apparent to people who aren't members of the fandom. Think of what we've got in Golden Oldies. That kind of badfic. Perhaps this fanfiction falls into that category, but I can't tell because the OP hasn't bothered to write a proper review and is instead lazily MSTing THE WHOLE FUCKING THING.

And are you seriously hauling out "omg just ignore it"? Why don't we all just ignore bad fanfiction/movies/television/music/videogames etc.?

I don't think you know what a MST is.

Also, proper reviews, really? What is this, Rotten Tomatoes? As opposed to pointing and laughing at terrible authors, which this author clearly is without any actual knowledge of the fandom? Jesus christ, you could take the events at face-value and you still have terrible grammar and poorly thought-out characters who go from one scene to the next mired in ridiculous wish-fulfillment dialog and romance. Oh no! The OP is insulting the author! We never do that here! Maybe I should drop a link to Last Blood so Bobby Crosby can come back and tell me what an insane liar I am.

You just felt like being pissy at something and your original post might as well say "I need to look down on something to make me feel better and I'm doing it here because it feels good to shit on things people other than me care about." Stop getting your PMS on the rest of us.

And no, I'm not saying "ignore badfic," but if you have no personal stake in the fandom of one particular fic, it shouldn't be surprising that you have no personal stake in the fic, and as such, you shouldn't need to come in waving your ePeen about how something you don't even know anything about is beneath...you...and...

Bitching about Mass Effect without knowing anything abou i-oh my god. Cyberwulf is Cooper Lawrence. This explains so much!

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I ask because I actually wasn't aware any sort of review was necessary when snarking a fic.

You and the rest of the board, I'm sure.

Well, Mass Effect is a franchise you'd really have to think about before writing in. Given how much of the games beyond the basic premise (the Reapers want to enslave, butcher, and liquefy us and we'd rather they didn't) is determined by the player, you have to sit down and actually plot out what you want to happen if you want to insert any original elements. It's one of those fandoms where it's actually a lot easier to write prequels and the stories of background characters, because those are the existing narratives that are completely identical whatever the player chooses while still providing enough room to work in. Hell, the story of the Matriarch bartender in ME2 would be a fascinating read.

The problem is that the fanbrat here doesn't get that. Mass Effect's story is huge on choices, and, to paraphrase Yahtzee, "when I say 'choice' imagine that word in twenty-foot-high flaming letters." To give an example, if the dockworker hadn't been skiving off, he wouldn't have survived the Geth attack, there would have been no witness to name Saren as the culprit, and civilization as we know it would have been doomed as a result. Nihilus, while important to the story (I remember arguing a few days back that the character could've been excised at no impact to the plot; in retrospect, I was wrong) exists more as a plot device than an actual character. Sure, he's got some depth to him, but this is a BioWare RPG. The fraking in-universe adverts have more depth than Ben Browder displayed in two years on SG-1.

Yes, that's another thing I'm not letting go.