Fitch's Epic Snark for GREAT JUSTICE

And her own sanity. I broke. This must happen or I shall do bloody murder.

Basically my friend who we shall know only as erm... Tim, to protect his anonymity, is pinning most of his future hopes on being a successfull author. He has thus far finished one compete book (but he has many more in the pipeline, don't you worry!) which we shall know as ST. ST is basically a very very drawn out bit of FFVII fiction, albeit original. But its basically a FF universe. They all have spikey hair and big swords.

Tim sent me this manuscript to read, having faith in my concrit abilities. Oh yes, now, Tim doesn't actually read books. Whenever he does he gets bored and contemptuous because he 'could write it better'. But because of this he has no concept of how words. Actually. Work. Observe chapter one, 'Two Kingdoms One Fate'.

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"Do you know what happens after a nuclear war? Pray you never find out. Not days or weeks afterwards with the threat of fallout, radiation poisoning and the slow decay of ones own mind. This is the reality, in a place where hell has no meaning.”

Oh yes did I not mention? Tim starts every chapter with an italicised quote which he himself has made up. It does not appear in the chatper. It may or may not even have anything to do with the content. Believe me, reading this gives hell some pretty personal meaning.

Most of the first chapter is a shat load of history for the fictional universe ST is set in. But it is somehow sort of our earth. 'A long time ago, but somehow in the future'... There was a nuclear war, everyone lives in Europe, blah blah blah. There are some pretty choice phrases though.

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One of the foolish Kings sent a warrior bearing the largest sword ever crafted to destroy his opponent’s armies and lands in the last of men’s battles, ‘the Scorching’.

'Check out the size of MY devastaing weapon, eh ladies?' The giant sword as metaphor for nuclear warhead; cunning Tim, very cunning...

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Seven foot reptilian mutations with razor sharp teeth, extendible claws and a taste for man flesh.

LOL unintentinal fellatio jokes. These ravenous homosexual reptiles are the main baddies for humans these days. What are they called, do you ask?
'Dragoons'.

Picard does not approve.
So then theres some more exposition about a religion that worships the sun god 'Droa' and then some poltical/militiristic bods come along, The Sedition, and they're like, totally opressive and shit. So there are some freedom fighters, dun-du-DUH! to the rescue. One of them lives in what I suspect are the ruins of Paris. Oh, do excuse me, I of course meant

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the city of Heaven’s bane, Forlorn

Poor unhappy lonely post-nuclear city! You couldn't make it up. Except that, oh, somebody did.

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No older than twenty yet no younger than fifteen

I should explain that Tim was 15 when he started this and is 20 now. Self-insert detectors should be *a-WOOGA* ing right about now.
No, he hasn't bothered to re-read or edit any of it.
I'm going to just go ahead and copypasta the description of our protagonist for y'all to read in full.

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He wore the typical uniform of these mysterious freedom fighters. His body was draped in all black, black leather boots fastened to his shin with leather straps. Black cotton trousers with a huge belt holding them up on his hips, hidden from view were two black pistols that hang by his thighs. A black leather vest that ended at his chest. Also a full length black leather coat with the tail of it shredded so the wind blew every strand in a different direction. He was a typical freedom fighter with his two pistols and a small shot gun behind him strapped to the back of his belt. He also had two grand swords on his back; the sheaths were intricately sewn into his coat.

Yes, apparently Hot Topic survived the Apocalypse.

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Most Vigilantes believe that they are better than the common folk but this one had a look on him that would stop water.

Large, flat complection presumably remeniscent of concrete? I'm sorry, I have nothing better, this whole thing is causing my brains to seep from my ears.

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He was yearning for that which no one could give him for no one knew who he truly was, though he did not care about a past, parents or family he always felt unsatisfied where ever he walked and it pained him greatly.

I'm still unsure what this guy wants. A razor, possibly.

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He did not expect what he received. An oral attack-

SUPRISE MOUTHRAPE!!1!

tl;dr: As yet unknown emo-tastic self insert living in post apocalyptic Paris runs off into the city to fight giant gay lizards and save a screaming girl.
The fight itself is.... well its fucking hilarious. But you'll have to wait for chapter two.

When I see "Two Kingdoms One Fate," I can't help thinking of "2 Girls 1 Cup".

Shit, how are you planning on telling this guy how awful that is?

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Shit, how are you planning on telling this guy how awful that is?

In the words of Christopher Griffin I DON'T KNOW!
Let's continue shall we? We still have over 100,000 words of this drek to go!
Chapter Two is called 'Nothing in a Name'

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“Take what you want from me, but for the sake of my soul leave my name!”

...This bodes well.

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They were now hovering over her head hissing quietly with their teeth presented each six inches long ready to rip her apart.

Giant gay lizards that can levitate. And yes, punctuation goes AWOL pretty frequently. But if I were a self respecting comma I'd rather not exist than participate in this train wreck, so maybe it's better this way.

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It now seemed that the boy wanted the girl for himself, he would not save her he would either rape or eat her, most likely both.

But in what order? Reminds me of the old Viking adage. 'Remember, you cannot rape or pillage what you have already burnt.'

Not to worry though, we have an epic fight scene coming up!

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However before they even hit the floor the boy began spinning on the spot. He stretched out his swords to cover the area of the alley. He slashed all the Dragoons several time before they fell to the floor.

That's right folks, the emo-tastic freedom fighter has a 'blend' setting!

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Apart from spinning his feet he was not moving what so ever. His body was straight and rigid; he was dancing more than he was fighting.

Pretty graceful I'll admi- wait. Wait a second. If you imagine what this guy is actually doing here....


:D

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It was a stunning sight to watch

I certainly don't disagree.

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The boy took a great sigh the first breath that he had taken the whole time spinning. He again swung his swords by his wrists the reverse way this time then slid them back into his coat, creating a sliding sound and finally two clicks.

'Then he walked forwards, creating small thudding noises with his feet and then he stopped, and that made a noise that was also totally fucking pointless.'

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The wind picked up and revealed her face from behind her stranded curtains.

He's referring to her hair. I don't even know what to say here.

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It was a long brown cotton cloak, like a monk's. The boy lifted it to his face and gave it a sniff. It reeked of the odour of woman

Insert fish themed joke of your own choosing here, amirite?

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From what his fingers read from the dirt the girl had ran into a monastic like building across the way.

Dirt: Yah, she totally ran over there.
Fingers: Cheers. Say, we don't need to actually research anything about tracking, do we? No? Thought not.

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The boy picked up on familiar sounding quivering from the back.

Yeah, he can hear the girl shaking. Like, actually hear it. I have tried to apply common sense but it only makes the pain worser.

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“Don’t call me boy!” his voice was arrogant and cold like a typical young Vigilante. “And you will answer my questions, first!”

“Silence boy. You will answer us, who are you and why you are here?” this voice came from behind. It had the insolence and temper of youth but more experience than the first boy.

“I am a Vigilante, come from the wastelands…” the boy began but was interrupted by another.

All aboard the dialogue failroad! First stop, Boytown. Population: TOO MANY BOYS.

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“We don’t need help, especially from the likes of Vigilantes!” the young hood said through the boy.

One of the boys, and we're not sure which one mind, appears to have become magically intangible. Or is being posessed by a hood. Who can say?

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“No…” screamed the younger one.

Continuing the failroad tour, we'll be taking a short break at Inappropriate Verbsville, a place that will becoming preeeeetty familiar as we continue. It's a very popular destination. People have been known to move there from Adjective City.

The Vigilante agrees to help three people get to the 'Atlantic West', in return for payment in ammo. We also learn his name, which was apparently the whole point of this chapter.

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“My name is Drale.” The three again looked puzzled, then Gynn asked.

“What an odd name does it mean anything?”

Yeah, it's way more odd than Gynn or Artemous. Who I suspect was meant to be called Artemis.

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“Drale means nothing” he answered

“Come on it must mean something?” she persisted.

“No! Drale,” he said, “means-nothing.”

WAAAAAAANGST.

LOL, ok this is pretty hysterical.

And I gotta say, I would never ever let anyone look at any writing I did when I was 15, so you gotta give him credit: he's brave at least.

*Sniff Sniff* I smell another Eragon.

*massages temples* Okaaaay, chapter three. Of twenty-seven. 'Journey Begins'. As always, we have our nice little quote.

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“A journey is only as good as the first step taken and a story is only as good as the first word written.”

If any of you are interested, the first word of ST (excluding chapter title and the godawful quote) is 'The'.

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“This isn’t right.” Joel suddenly whispered looking to the shadow to see a pair of grey eyes disappear back into themselves.

Ew. Is that one of those things that only some people can do? Like rolling your tongue or turning your eyelids inside out?

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“They shaped the world we live in, they moulded it in their own image. Anything that did not suit their fancy they changed it. They wrote the one rule, the only rule, which exists in this world…”

“Which is?” Joel asked looking at Drale as though he was insane and very disobliging.

*is on Team Joel*

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“If you do not know that then you cannot hope to survive in this world.

-so I shall not bother to tell you. This will never be brought up again. Do not attempt to rationalise my frequent random outpourings."

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Peekin was a lot different Drale saw scars and the image of mind in his eyes, experience has left the old man gifted in many ways.

What? What do you even mean?! Why are you making the reader work this hard?

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The light began to fade in the distance. Even in such an open space it would not be wise to travel at night.

But night can't be approaching because when you saved that Gynn girl it was lit by moonlight right? Surely even you pay some small attention to continuity, right?

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He delved into his pocket and pulled a handful of dried yellow grass, a bundle of small tree branches and then arranged them on the floor in an organised pile to begin his fire.

Drale's pockets are normal sized, they just contain wormholes into another dimension.

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“The ocean is like a sheet of gold. Deep, dark green gold, so dark it consumes you in its aura…”

“Like your eyes?” Gynn asked eagerly, Drale looked at her in a confused manner.

"I've been nothing but an arrogant, uptight, moody dickhead since you met me. What possible reasons are there for you to form an attachment?" he asked.

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It was strange for the three of them to see Drale so angry, he was usually so blank but for him to become so enraged over something as tedious as the fire was very peculiar.

By your own admission they have known him six hours. You are my friend, but this is killing me!
At least the chapters are short. I have time between reading them to calm myself down.

Oh dear, what can you say to a friend who writes this badly?
When Tim is rejected by publishers, do try to tell him that he shouldn't self-publish, he'll never learn if he does.

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“They shaped the world we live in, they moulded it in their own image. Anything that did not suit their fancy they changed it. They wrote the one rule, the only rule, which exists in this world…”

“Which is?” Joel asked looking at Drale as though he was insane and very disobliging.

Do not post illegal material, of course.

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“The ocean is like a sheet of gold. Deep, dark green gold, so dark it consumes you in its aura…”

“Like your eyes?” Gynn asked eagerly, Drale looked at her in a confused manner.

Well, that's ..., bad dialogue.
Why is the ocean gold anyway, has it been chemically poisoned?

Fairlight wrote:

Quote :

“The ocean is like a sheet of gold. Deep, dark green gold, so dark it consumes you in its aura…”

“Like your eyes?” Gynn asked eagerly, Drale looked at her in a confused manner.

Well, that's ..., bad dialogue.
Why is the ocean gold anyway, has it been chemically poisoned?

The ones who changed the world according to their unknowable rule pissed in it.

Fitchsticks wrote:

All aboard the dialogue failroad! First stop, Boytown. Population: TOO MANY BOYS.

Oh my God you are killing me >.<

I thank you for the positive comments. Knowing I'm dragging some of you guys with me makes it all a little easier.
So, before I go to work today, chapter four! 'The Burner Track.'

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“If in strength the war is lost then the speedier escape be the greater effort.”

.... OKAY THEN! ><

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Drale never seemed to have dreams every night was dreamless for him.

Unfortunately my dreams are haunted by the ghosts of commas past.

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Gynn sat down to the left of Drale. She watched him close his eyes and inhale the sunlight through his nose.

Like some sort of dyson hoover, Y/N? Throw me a bone here, Tim.

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“We have three hours to go forty two miles to meet this convoy. We leave now!”

14 mph. Any takers?

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Drale’s shredded full length cloak was designed so that each strand flew off into every direction. His fluttering strands flew off into every direction causing his two side arms perfectly visible.

Error. Error. Does not compute. Seriously, I'm having a hard time even making jokes about this. You kind of don't even need to.

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“Waiting is just dying slowly,” he whispered it under his breath.

The wangst rears it's ugly head once more. Pass me a violin.
Anyway eventually these things called Burners turn up, which are big six-wheeled tank thingies.

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He stared deep into the eyes of the pilot driving his soul deep into his belly to make him as small as possible

I crush your puny soul! LIKE AN EGG!

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Also like Drale he had sharp features that revealed all the emotion of his soul; however unlike Drale the pilot’s face was full of compassion, wonder and joy.

I thought you just drove his soul into his belly with the power of you eyes?

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He began to beg but soon straightened himself up. “Please, a bodice such as mine will never need to buy pleasurable company."

You know, you're right, that corsetry is faaaaabulous!

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“My name is…” he bowed to a ninety degree angle, “Jovan Raymak, and this piece of shit,” he slapped the side of his burner, “is called Deaquel and I love her for it!”

For being a piece of shit or having a ridiculous name?

I hate you Jovan. Leave me alone!

Fitchsticks wrote:

Quote :

“We have three hours to go forty two miles to meet this convoy. We leave now!”

14 mph. Any takers?

:law:
The average walking speed of a human is roughly 3 miles per hour.
Over the rough terrain a nuclear holocaust would cause, I don't think it would even be that fast.

unskilled78 wrote:

Fitchsticks wrote:

Quote :

“We have three hours to go forty two miles to meet this convoy. We leave now!”

14 mph. Any takers?

:law:
The average walking speed of a human is roughly 3 miles per hour.
Over the rough terrain a nuclear holocaust would cause, I don't think it would even be that fast.

Then I guess they'd better run.

KelinciHutan wrote:

unskilled78 wrote:

Fitchsticks wrote:

Quote :

“We have three hours to go forty two miles to meet this convoy. We leave now!”

14 mph. Any takers?

:law:
The average walking speed of a human is roughly 3 miles per hour.
Over the rough terrain a nuclear holocaust would cause, I don't think it would even be that fast.

Then I guess they'd better run.

the world record for sprinting 100 meters is 22 mph.

Chapter Five (aided by a lot of Pimms so do excuse my typos) 'The Belly of Deaquel'

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“In one may be found salvation, yet there lies death in another.”

TAKE THE RED PILL!

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A huge black wheel was in front of him which he would use to control his vehicle.

It may be the alcohol, but I'm finding penis euphemisms everywhere I turn today.

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Jovan flicked open a small compartment in the centre of the wheel. Inside there was a small toggle that was connected to the ignition of the engine. He began pulling forcefully on the rip cord attached to the toggle in order to start the ignition. In the engine the juice used to power the vehicle which Jovan released when he pulled the lever earlier began to churn.

I'm almost having Legolas by Laura flashbacks at this point.

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“After that there is an explosion every three seconds for one minute, which thrusts us forward five times faster than normal.”

Hur hur hur hur.... sorry.

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Gynn did not quite trust Jovan she could feel something about him that was not quite right.

Female intuition = GREAT PLOT DEVICE GAIS.

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It was very odd the way Jovan spoke it was cynical like Drale’s speech yet it had humour in it which made it all the more evil.

Never use cynical humour again, everyone. It is the mark of Satan himself!

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He stretched his arms up as tall as they would go and then slowly brought them down slowly.

Slowness is occuring.

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The wind was spectacular, so much so he had to widen his stance though he was not in danger of falling off

Staning on the roof of a tank thingy going 70 mph? Walk in the fucking park for our guy!

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Dragoons were white because the nutrients in their blood are burned away so quickly that their blood runs blue, even when they are cut.

Nutrients =/= oxygen, alright. Christ almighty this is basic bastard biology!

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“It’ll take a minute to get started.” Jovan screamed back into the copper tubing.

I admire a man who can scream with such restraint!

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He kept his eyes fixed on the funnel and suddenly stretching his shot gun out, he fired a shot towards a Dragoon who had jumped onto the back of the burner.

Eyes in the back of my head, MUTHAFUKKAS

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“Nothing beats this lovely woman!” He screamed stroking the steering wheel and planting a very heavy kiss along with it.

Teehee

I'm going to keep doing this. I have to. Chapter six. 'Secrets of the Vigilante'.
Oh God.

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"The speed of flame is matched only by the speed of Revolution’s word.”

Oh God.

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Gynn was still recovering from the acceleration and was still very weary of Jovan, something about him she still did not trust.

The force is strong with this one. *headdesk*

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“The soul of man is said to hold the full potential of all men.” Drale closed his eyes again and continued. “To achieve oneness with the soul is to attain the power of a god.”

Alright but give me a benchmark here. Would these be the powers of the traditional Judeo-Christian God we're talking? Or just the power to not spout ridiculous shit? 'Cause it ain't kicked in yet, love.

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“Wasting one’s life to meet someone who has done nothing for you is foolery!” Drale said with great contempt for Joel. Drale chuckled and shook his head slightly, what blissful irony.

Aha, ahahaha, yes, the irony! I see it now! Wait, what?

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“Vigilantes!” she gasped. Drale ripped himself round and snarled at her and her companions.

“Do not give any man, woman or child that label here!”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“None of us like that name,”

But Drale didn't object to being called a Vigilante when he first met the others. Come on, you're just making random shit up now.

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It was not just men as Gynn had thought there were women and children all dressed in the Vigilante attire.

Haute topic couture.

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However none of them had shredded jackets like Drale’s. It appeared that he had a small sense of individuality.

Yeah, I've never seen any character like Drale before. But as you say, his shredded jacket makes him thuper thpethial. It certainly wouldn't be any good for actually keeping him warm.

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“They all avoid you, why?” she asked unaware of his tone.

“They avoid for what they believe.” Drale said vaguely

“What do they believe?” she asked him.

“They believe I am…”

A drama queen? Christ, spare me.

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He had not seen who had bumped into him and so he went to make eye contact and slowly brought his head up and when he saw who had hit him Drale trembled and nearly cried,

“Jerome?” he said.

"Drale? Is it really you?"

"Oh my god! Jerome!"

"Drale I-"

"Jerome! How could you have left us like that? You know how hard it is to keep respect as a Vigilante and be a good single dad?"

"If you'll just let me ex-"

"No! You broke my heart Jerome!"

D: Oh, Fitchsticks. Maybe you should tell him someone who ISN'T his friend needs to snarktheshitoutofedit his story. Then someone who isn't you can take this sad mess behind the barn and make like Old Yeller.

rae wrote:

D: Oh, Fitchsticks. Maybe you should tell him someone who ISN'T his friend needs to snarktheshitoutofedit his story. Then someone who isn't you can take this sad mess behind the barn and make like Old Yeller.

I would have suggested dropping into the event horizon of a black hole. That way it's stuck forever.

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“A journey is only as good as the first step taken and a story is only as good as the first word written.”

That is total bullshit because last spring I nearly missed my train to the airport and then I nearly missed the second plane and then I got kinda interrogated because I wasn't bringing any money with me into the US which the US don't like and it turned out to be a real fun vacation.

Fairlight wrote:

Quote :

“They shaped the world we live in, they moulded it in their own image. Anything that did not suit their fancy they changed it. They wrote the one rule, the only rule, which exists in this world…”

“Which is?” Joel asked looking at Drale as though he was insane and very disobliging.

Do not post illegal material, of course.

DAMMIT beat me to it-

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Fitchsticks wrote:

All aboard the dialogue failroad! First stop, Boytown. Population: TOO MANY BOYS.

Oh my God you are killing me >.<

Buying a ticket for Eugene as we speak!

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Drale’s shredded full length cloak was designed so that each strand flew off into every direction. His fluttering strands flew off into every direction causing his two side arms perfectly visible.

Everywhere at the same time. Like Santa.

Fitchsticks wrote:

Quote :

However before they even hit the floor the boy began spinning on the spot. He stretched out his swords to cover the area of the alley. He slashed all the Dragoons several time before they fell to the floor.

That's right folks, the emo-tastic freedom fighter has a 'blend' setting!

I lol'd hard at this.

I fear for reasons of moral faggotry I may have to stop this snarking, even though I admit I'm enjoying it A LOT. T'other night I finished reading Volume 1 of Soul Tides (yeah, I think it's time I reveal the true name of this book. For extra lulz, I will tell you that it's revealed in the book that the Soul Tides is in fact some kind of river. Of memory. That somehow also contains the future. Forward memory?). I also told 'Tim' what I thought of it and although he was full of himself

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'Tim' says:
you'll feel the full force then =p
Fitch says:
the what?
'Tim' says:
the ending...
Fitch says:
what, what you wrote emboldened at the end?

(he left me a message saying 'Be kind' etc)

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'Tim' says:
no...
'Tim' says:
it's just AWESOME

(no it isn't)
and initially blinded by his belief in his own AWESOME

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Fitch says:
right, you sent me this to read and you wanted my honest to god real opinion
Fitch says:
the draft that you sent me
Fitch says:
i do not believe is realistically publishable
'Tim' says:
too big?

(insert headdesk here)

he appeared to take on board a number of my comments. Well, listen to them anyway. Maybe.

I said Drale was a cock and Gynn (much less the readers) had no reason to be attracted to him or even like him; Tim said this was the point. I also said Drale was, despite this, treading bravely into the realms of Studom; Tim said *sulk*. Especially after I had explained what a Stu was.

I said that he needed to improve on his general technique and make it more readable, the fight scenes more exciting etc; Tim said he liked his 'gothic style' - apparently is influenced by Poe, lulz.

I said that the little quote things at the start of the chapter just plain suck; Tim whined and said they would make sense in the second book (actually a lot of things I pointed out would be made all better once I read the book, as if Volume 2 were a soothing balm for the wounds inflicted on my psyche) Come to think of it, I might furnish you with the entire list of chapter quotations, in order. Just so you can witness their full glory.

I pointed out continuity errors; Tim said they were, like, DELIBERATE AND ON PURPOSE and they weren't errors, he just needed to make them clearer.

I said he needed to go through and fix all the grammar errors etc; Tim said he was trying but it's such a big book and he can't be bothered. SRSly. So, maybe light at the end of the tunnel.

Not for me though, he's nearly finished Volume 2 so I should 'expect a Christmas present!'. Hoo-fucking-rah.

I can't resist leaving you with my two favourite things in the ENTIRE BOOK though.

First of all, it turns out that Drale isn't a man, but the reincarnation of the Vigilante's God (yes, I know, let's not even start), a being from hundreds of years ago before the Apocalytic war. He tended over the world and made everything green and happy. This mysterious god's name was/is:

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Deam 'Ocrat

INORITE? I groaned out loud the first time I read it. I pointed out this is lame. "Yeah, I know, it's meant to be." I shit you not.

But the best thing evar which still makes me giggle is this. See, for stupid-ass reasons I shan't go into now, Drale and his mates have to huff up this mountain and do three challenges for a random Stone King. Or some shit. Drale's is the test of strength, and he has to fight a big mother fucker snake.
Now, when our protagonist is fighting a giant snake.
And when he breaks one of the fangs of said snake.
What's the best way to describe this snake?

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cock-fanged

Betcha didn't think of THAT ^^

Photoshoppers.
Start.
Yourrrrrr.
ENGINES!

How do you pronounce the "'" in "'Ocrat?"

Ok, well, clearly your friend overestimates his talent and skill by just about several lightyears, give or take. Also, he's lazy. Also, you don't know if he will take any of your advice at all.

But, at least he listened to it. At least he got apologetic instead of outraged. There may be hope for him!


Maybe your best course of action would be to say something diplomatic, like that it's often difficult for an author to see his work from the reader's perspective, because he has so much more background information; that it's important to get a beta so someone will give him that perspective; and that it best be someone he doesn't know, or not very well.

Diamonds aren't made by cuddling, kind of thing. Surely he will understand that his story is a raw diamond, and to sparkle it needs to be cut and polished!

And maybe he'll even have a look around the internet and learn a thing or two.