Tanked: All hail the Queen's epic skillz!

Tanked by Cyberwulf


Normally I would not let this puddle of mediocre affect me this much however, since it is from Cyberwulf, I can not resist.

Today, on Transformers!

The Autobots receive a mysterious message from the entity known only as Anonymous. Contained within the message is something so diabolical that it must be one of Megatron's newest plans to destroy the Autobots. Or is it more than meets the eye?

Stay tuned!




Inside Autobot Headquarters

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Prime, Teletran 1 is receiving a message from someone called Anonymous. Should I put it up on the display?

Alright, Prowl, let's see it.

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It seems to be in audio format, so let me just press play...

Quote :

“Thanks for the ride, Optimus!” Spike called as he jumped down from the cab.

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Wow, Prime! That sounded just like you and me!

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Ah'm not too sure I like the sound of this, Prime. This almost sounds like a recording.

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I can assure you that this is not a recording. And I would use no other way to open my door with a human near. Otherwise I might risk crushing their head. Not to mention the Primus forsaken glitch-fit Ratchet would have if I ever did such a thing.

I an not incapable of hearing you from across the room, Optimus.

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If I may interject an hypothesis. There are programs that can take a few seconds of a person's voice and with enough time, create the very conversation we are hearing now.

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I am sure I know how our voices were recorded for this...I am loathe to use the human slang for a pile of excrement, however I believe it would accurately describe my feelings for this performance. However, the question stands as to who is narrating. It sounds like no Decepticon I have ever heard. I do not recall them ever recruiting femmes.

Quote :

“Wait, Optimus…” Sparkplug couldn’t keep a grin off his face. “…are you trying to tell me that you’re drunk?”

What the?! Drunk? Since when do we get drunk?

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Quote :

“I, I believe that’s the analogous human condition,” Prime replied. “I made it the last few kilometres here, but my driving ability is deteriorating. If I head back to base I’ll go off the road…maybe take someone with me.” The smile disappeared from Sparkplug’s face and he nodded. “Please, Sparkplug… could you drive me?” “Sure thing, Optimus,” Sparkplug replied, patting the truck’s dashboard. “Just give me a minute.” He rolled down the window and called to Spike.

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I believe the condition being referred to is 'Over Energizing' and it can not be achieved with Diesel fuel.

Please tell me this is not going to turn into what I think it is.

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I think it is.

Can't you stop it or pause it, Jazz? 'Fraid not, Spike.

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Quote :

“Wait, I like that song,” Prime slurred. “Yeah?” Sparkplug replied. He checked the mirrors as he moved off. “I thought you didn’t like Earth music.” “I like some,” Prime said indignantly. “I like the Eagles too. As long as someone’s not blasting them right in my audio receptors.” Sparkplug chuckled. “I hear ya.”

Not that Ah'm listen'n to this garbage but could someone please explain what the slag this has to do with anything? It's a rambling piece of garbage about Prime getting drunk. What the hell is so special about this that it warrants our attention?

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Quote :

"Hey, Optimus, who’s the lady?” “Her name’s Elita One,” Prime slurred. “She’s my girlfriend.” He chuckled. “My lover.” Sparkplug grimaced at a sudden, unwanted mental image. “She’s pretty,” he managed. “For an Autobot." “Yeah,” Prime agreed. “She’s brave… strong… confident… crack shot with a laser pistol…” He sighed. “There’s no-one else like her." Sparkplug nodded. They continued down the highway in silence for a few minutes. “A couple of weeks ago I found out that she’s my sister.”

WHAT?! That tears it! It has to be some kind of Decepticon plot to undermined Prime's leadership! Only a Decepticon could come up with something so disguising!!

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'Hide hasn't been to 4Chan, has he, Bumblebee?

*sigh* Actually she is my...wait, never-mind.

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Quote :

“We were together for five million years,” Prime continued. Sparkplug winced; either he wasn’t expressing his discomfort clearly, or Prime couldn’t concentrate well enough to pick up on it. He braced himself for the whole story. “In all that time, our creator never told us.” “I’m, I’m sure he had his reasons,” Sparkplug replied, struggling for something to say. “He’s a jerk.”

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I would never say anything remotely as disparaging about my creator! Yes, he does have his quirks, yes he goes off on strange tangents, yes he often acts without considering the feelings of others – I am going to shut up now.

Thankyou.

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I think I might have figured out who is narrating this thing. According to Teletran 1, it is someone named Cyberwulf.

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Wow! She lords over the forum called Why, God, Why with an iron paw. Her avatar is kind of cute though.

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Quote :

“Sparkplug, could you pull me over?” Prime asked with a groan. “I don’t feel very good.” “Sure, Optimus,” Sparkplug replied. “There’s a truck stop just up ahead.” A horrible thought crossed his mind. “You – you don’t need to…” He tried to think of how to phrase it in Autobot terminology. “…purge excess fuel, do you?” “Negative,” Prime replied.

You might not but I wanna blow chunks right about now.

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Quote :

“Sorry,” Prime hiccupped. “Static buildup.” “No kidding,” Sparkplug replied, eyeing the door warily. “Are you uninjured?”

No – I will never be 'uninjured'.

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Quote : “Oh no,” Sparkplug murmured. He tried the ignition again with the same result. “Prime, what’s the problem?”

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He needed to ask?

Quote :

“She’s cute." Sparkplug glanced down at Prime’s digital display and tried the ignition again, to no avail. “She’s not really my type." “I wouldn’t mind a jumpstart from her,” Prime continued.

It hurts – make it stop.

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If I may, this Cyberwulf may in fact be a new recruit working for the Decepticons. By the sudden 'left turn' so to speak into inter-species attraction, I would assume that this must be a human woman with a furry fetish, just shy of 30 years old and may, at this moment be humping Megatron's leg. Not a pretty picture.

Quote :

Sparkplug shifted in the driver’s seat. “Is there any way to… counteract the effects of excess fuel?” “Unfortunately, no,” the Autobot leader slurred. “I just need to offline for...eighteen hours… let my systems process the fuel and recalibrate…”

At this point I am surprised she did not tell us all he needed was a barrel of black coffee and an enema.

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Quote :

He trailed off. The blonde woman was scrubbing her truck with the foam brush. “Oh...” “Prime, could you knock it off, please?” Sparkplug asked agitatedly. He ran a hand through his thinning hair and mumbled, “It’s not even an Autobot, for crying out loud.” “I’m sorry,” Prime replied. “It’s just – it’s been…” He gave a quiet sigh. “…sorry.”

What about the rest of us?

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Holy crap! Prime's horny! Don't drop the soap!

Spike!

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Quote :

Sparkplug crossed his fingers and turned the key. Prime’s engine struggled to start. Sparkplug carefully pushed down on the accelerator and prayed. After a few anxious seconds, Prime’s engine finally roared into life. Sparkplug mouthed a “thank you” and steered Prime back onto the highway

Tell me again why Prime would need a key to start his engine?

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Quote :

“Yo, this is Blaster from base calling Optimus Prime! Where you at, big guy?” Prime didn’t respond.

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Can't say I blame him.

Quote :

“Blaster…” Prime mumbled. “And Jazz. You know, half the time I don’t understand a word they say.” Sparkplug laughed. “That’s what humans call a generation gap, Optimus.” “I’m not that –” Prime began indignantly, then broke off and reconsidered. “Oh, wait. Yes I am.”

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I believe the word you are searching for is bored.

Quote]

“And you wonder what else is going on with them that you don’t know about,” Sparkplug finished. “You worry about what you’re missing.” “Yes,” Prime answered. “How did you –” Sparkplug smiled. “My son’s a teenager.”[/quote]

Yes, I am pretty sure we are so similar that even a 'drunken' Autobot couldn't tell us apart.

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Quote : “Not like the ones here,” Prime replied. He was silent for a while, then said, “I’ve never been driven before. It’s nice.” Oh boy.

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How undignified.

What happened to Prime?

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Oh, no! The Elder God of cinema has been awakened!

Who? Michael Bay?

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[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] To Be Continued...

Transformers was created to be nothing but a half hour long advertisement for a toy anyway. The show was extremely low quality. Why does it matter if its derivative fiction is even worse than it is?

Link to fic?

Alea Iacta Est wrote:

Transformers was created to be nothing but a half hour long advertisement for a toy anyway. The show was extremely low quality. Why does it matter if its derivative fiction is even worse than it is?

Have you learned nothing from this site?

Seriously, LURK, then post...

Michael Bay can only be defeated by the Obi Wan Kenobi of cinema: Francis Ford Coppola. (his death has only made him more powerful)

You shouldn't quote the whole fic. Excerpt the stuff that's bad and comment on that. Also I think some of your character dialogue got a bit mixed up.

The Alpha Trion riff was funny though.

This is why I snarked your fic! Those backhanded compliments piss me the fuck off!

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OH MAN MYTH YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO SNARK

You guys can't make fun of my soul sistah!

What Cy said was true though. And she would say it to anyone. I would give you a pass on quoting the whole thing, myself, since it would probably not work to do summaries with the format you chose to go with, but you still have some errors in there you may want to look at. Bits of dialog get repleted.

Also I am pretty sure criticism with a compliment is not a backhanded compliment. "That dress looks nice on you, you hardly look fat at all!" is a backhanded compliment.

Still, you got some good jokes in there. Just keep doing what you do and try not to get wound up too much. Try riffing the fic more and the author less.

Mythandariel wrote:

This is why I snarked your fic! Those backhanded compliments piss me the fuck off!

Hahaha.

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

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OH MAN MYTH YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO SNARK

Ripping on fanfic - good

Ripping on snarks - OMG YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING KILLJOY DON'T YOU KNOW THIS IS LIKE MY REFRIGERATOR AT HOME

I'll be honest - that didn't fit here. Zeiss made it and I just wanted to spread the love because it was funny. It also made sense in context of the conversation on Skype at the time. I would have deleted it but you can't delete a post after someone else comes in and replies.

Bah.

It fit the thread it was made for.

Is that

Kirk and Spock

With their shirts off O_o

Why are all ignoring this.

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

I'll be honest - that didn't fit here. Zeiss made it and I just wanted to spread the love because it was funny. It also made sense in context of the conversation on Skype at the time. I would have deleted it but you can't delete a post after someone else comes in and replies.

Bah.

It fit the thread it was made for.

There's a thread where everyone whines about how joy-killing it is to rip on other people's snarks, that they worked so hard on and had such fun writing? Can you link me? I'd like to watch it implode under the weight of its own irony.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

I'll be honest - that didn't fit here. Zeiss made it and I just wanted to spread the love because it was funny. It also made sense in context of the conversation on Skype at the time. I would have deleted it but you can't delete a post after someone else comes in and replies.

Bah.

It fit the thread it was made for.

There's a thread where everyone whines about how joy-killing it is to rip on other people's snarks, that they worked so hard on and had such fun writing? Can you link me? I'd like to watch it implode under the weight of its own irony.

No, it was just made in response to your post here.