This is Setz. He'd like to tell us an epic, NWS tale

I am feeling rather sleep deprived and sick at the moment, and so I go surfing around lazily and come across one of the, in the circle of members, most infamous threads in the history of a certain message board I've been a member of for years. Neither the message board nor the site itself is godawful by any means (apart from the Free Roleplaying Forum, but nobody even looks at that one apart from the teenyboppers RPing their horrid Twilight stuff) - however, as with most message boards that have been around for a long time, there are Those Threads. The ones we rather not talk about but are constantly brought up anyway as shining examples of how to not conduct oneself.

This is one such thread.

While I don't recall the details, Setz was always a bit on the stupid side, and he did manage to rack up over 3000 posts before he was finally banned. Whether that's a sign of the mods' patience or sense of humor I'm not sure, but probably a combination. He earned a special spot in the WTF-ranks for alternating between complaining that his family was poor, to listing all the games he owned and making threads about his food habits.

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BREAKFAST: 2 sandwiches, with mayonnaise, mustard, lettuce (fountain lettuce I think it's called), capicollo (meat), pieces of pork and bacon, and old cheese. On a whole wheat kaiser. Along with a nice 3 bowls of that new Corn Flakes cereal, with the banana chips in it, yum! When I got to school, I had a taco from the cafeteria, and a hotdog from there as well. Nothing but water to drink.

LUNCH: A small bento box with sashimi, some tempura, salmon teriyaki, salad, and rice. With some red dragon squid with hot marinade. 20 pieces of sashimi, 5 california rolls. I also had green tea ice-cream at the end. I drank orange pecoe tea as a drink. When finished, I had some bread with butter on it.

DINNER: I made two cans of tomato soup (my favorite soup), which makes about 8 bowls. I had all the bowls, along with two toasted tuna+mayo sandwiches, with scrunched lettuce in there too. I had 2 grilled cheese sandwiches , with ketchup as dipping sauce; then I had 2 hamburgers, both with lettuce, cheese (note they are doubles), bacon, mustard, ketchup, mayo, pickles, relish, onions, salt/pepper, hot sauce, bacon bits, and saurkraut, and a whole package of fries. On the fries, I put vinegar, ketchup, salt, pepper, and cheese. After that, I drank some club soda (like, 250 mL), then made a salad consisting of raddishes, lettuce, celery, cucumber, tomato, and to top it off, a nice vinegarette with fig flavoring.

IN BETWEEN MEALS: I usually eat cocktail onions (the ones in the jar), or Gerber's pickles. Sometimes I eat chips, but I try to maintain my weight.

One moment, everyone, I'm just gonna go throw up.

Oh, and also from that thread, when called out on his eating habits, he defended himself by defying physics:

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I have an incredibly fast metabolism. Every evening before I go to hibernate/sleep, I weigh like 170 pounds. When I wake up I weigh like 130-145 pounds. I'm 6 feet tall.

Get this wonderman on the Weight Watchers. He shall be their new god. Except then he goes on to say that at times he "throws up 40 times a day".

Anyway... in late 2005, Setz declared a state of emergency and asked for advice. Now this being a very friendly community with a lot of patient, intelligent posters people showed a lot of restraint considering the disturbing amounts of TMI. Some of the replies are hilarious, though.

It starts innocently enough.

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I have a few questions, of which I need a truthful and unbiased answer. To me, and my partner (girlfriend), this is a major life-changing thing.

Oh sure thing, if you're this concerned we'll be glad to help of course!

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On Saturday, I had my girlfriend come to my house and sleep over so we can chill for some time together. There was a school dance the previous day. We both went (and it sucked).

Oh okay, that sounds nice.

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We decided that on that Saturday, we'd have sex. I don't know how else to word it. We 'decided'.

Oh dear, we can probably see where this is goi-

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We walked around the mall complex near my house, looking for a public washroom to "use".

... uh. Why did we need to know about that?

He goes on to explain that both their parents are very religious and that's why they couldn't have sex at home. That still doesn't explain why we had to know that they had sex in-

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We ended up using a public washroom in a fast food place (KFC). This isn't abnormal.

Uh... huh. Have you ever thought about maybe seeking financial aid or getting a job so you can move out and try to have a normal life?

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We finished up much later, and disposed of the condom. We left, but about half-way back home, my girlfriend said she felt a, and I quote, "coldness near her crotchal region. Inside, and around".

A "I had sex with my girlfriend, we think the condom broke and my super-religious parents will disown me if she's pregnant! What do I do?" would have sufficed, you know...

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We went back to my house, and I 'checked her'. I did so by, well, actually taking a look inside. I was destroyed to the sight of a white gel-like substance.

MOTHER OF GOD WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS!?

So he thinks that his girlfriend might be pregnant because she has been feeling ill since. Instead of doing the sane, subtle thing and quietly buy a pregnancy test somewhere (the guy was in Toronto, it can't be that hard to do that without anybody recognizing you), or going to the doctor, he goes onto a message board where people know him as the village idiot and posts this story. And his response about advice to get a pregnancy test, by the way, is this:

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we will take your suggestion of pregnancy test into consideration.

"Into consideration"? If you're this worried that should be the first thing you should think about, not going on a message board and asking the female posters to:

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I need to ask of you (female posters) a personal question, and feel free to PM me with the answer if unsure about posting it in the open, but: if you've had sex before (unprotected), what temperature did the semen feel like?

I realize that you're freaked out, dude, but MAN.

I unironically love E/N threads. Other people's personal problems are hilarious because if they could tell good advice from bad they wouldn't be asking for help on the internet. This is why /adv/ is the only board on 4chan I still visit.

That said, this is pretty tame. No exhortations of innocence? No psycho girlfriend prompting the pregnancy scare? No meltdown with the caps-lock fully engaged? Yeah, the guy was TMI, but the people on your forum totally failed to capitalize on the comedy gold, and that hurts the end product.

Damn not given.

For that matter, how long ago did this occur? I don't know when the morning-after pill became available, but if he lived in a halfway sizable city, he could've gone to Planned Parenthood, which would have provided him with a pregnancy test or a morning-after pill, and advised him to stop having sex in public restrooms (good way to pick up certain STDs like herpes).

They could also provide him with good condoms (not those cheap-ass things you buy out of the machines). Hell, our local PP gives them away by the sack full.

Quote :

BREAKFAST: 2 sandwiches, with mayonnaise, mustard, lettuce (fountain lettuce I think it's called), capicollo (meat), pieces of pork and bacon, and old cheese. On a whole wheat kaiser. Along with a nice 3 bowls of that new Corn Flakes cereal, with the banana chips in it, yum! When I got to school, I had a taco from the cafeteria, and a hotdog from there as well. Nothing but water to drink.

LUNCH: A small bento box with sashimi, some tempura, salmon teriyaki, salad, and rice. With some red dragon squid with hot marinade. 20 pieces of sashimi, 5 california rolls. I also had green tea ice-cream at the end. I drank orange pecoe tea as a drink. When finished, I had some bread with butter on it.

DINNER: I made two cans of tomato soup (my favorite soup), which makes about 8 bowls. I had all the bowls, along with two toasted tuna+mayo sandwiches, with scrunched lettuce in there too. I had 2 grilled cheese sandwiches , with ketchup as dipping sauce; then I had 2 hamburgers, both with lettuce, cheese (note they are doubles), bacon, mustard, ketchup, mayo, pickles, relish, onions, salt/pepper, hot sauce, bacon bits, and saurkraut, and a whole package of fries. On the fries, I put vinegar, ketchup, salt, pepper, and cheese. After that, I drank some club soda (like, 250 mL), then made a salad consisting of raddishes, lettuce, celery, cucumber, tomato, and to top it off, a nice vinegarette with fig flavoring.

IN BETWEEN MEALS: I usually eat cocktail onions (the ones in the jar), or Gerber's pickles. Sometimes I eat chips, but I try to maintain my weight.

The only people who eat like that binge and purge.

XLT-100852.0, I honestly can't remember the last time that one of your posts didn't at least make me smile.

Nihilist wrote:

The dinner sounds disgusting. Why can't this person just use a damn slow cooker and keep it simple?

mmmmm grilled cheese dipped in ketchup

I was wondering why that food diary looked so familiar, then it hit me...this must be Tuxedo Mark's bulimic cousin!

Kirby wrote:

I was wondering why that food diary looked so familiar, then it hit me...this must be Tuxedo Mark's bulimic cousin!

Naw. If it were, he'd have noted the precise time he started eating each meal, and how long it took him to consume it.

Setz could turn out to be the next Christian Weston Chandler.

I think I gained five pounds just reading that food description. There is no way anyone can eat all that in one day -- hell, in one week -- and not explode.

Badger: This was in 2005, and he lived in Toronto. So yeeeah, his problems were pretty much just him and the chick being stupid and freaked out.


Yeah, I agree that the tale of the sex at KFC was pretty tame in compare to what we usually see here. Still, it's got a special place at that site.

Anyway, the food thread is of course interesting in a whole different way. Soon in that thread, he gets called out on his eating habits. And this is how things usually went when talking with the guy.

984 wrote:

You really need to see a doctor.

Setz wrote:

I thought everyone ate like I did.

Noo, I think we would have noticed the extreme global food shortage. That's what leads to his claim that he loses 40 pounds in his sleep. Of course, people don't belive him.

He insists.

Setz wrote:

You guys don't get it. I don't exaggerate about what I eat. That is what I eat, and it has been what I eat for the past 6 years. I can lose 20 pounds a night, it's perfectly possible. This morning I weighed 132, now I weigh like 165. Tomorrow, I'll be back to 130 or so. I'll even record it if you want.

984 says that he doesn't want to see Setz throwing up. That's when Setz starts admitting that he's puking.

Setz wrote:

That's another thing. I vomit small amounts after every meal and snack. Not after every bite, but like 10 minutes after I eat a portion. It's very thin, and watery; very dilute. It doesn't burn my throat or anything, but I vomit maybe 20 times a day. It's more like water than actual food.

Note that it is unvoluntarily. Not intentional.

He still does not see a problem here. You might notice at this point that he's a bit of an exhibitionist. Or a troll, but if so he was a very consistent one.

Setz wrote:

Back on topic:

Thursday, December 1st, 2005

BREAKFAST: 4 bowls of that new Corn Flakes cereal with the banana chips in it, without milk mind you. Some leftover fritata (some italian omlette thing), which is an omlette with onions and peas in it. Some bacon, breakfast sausage, and 3 tomatoes. To wash it all down, some pepsi with some salt in it (to calm my constant indigestion aches).

LUNCH: I had some dumpling things (some chinese dish), which is basically some peas, onions, and tomato slivers in the middle of a big dough ball. I'm unsure what it is called, but I had 6. About 5 centimeters in length, same for width. 3 cm in height. After that, I had some milk (unsure how exactly much), and some fries with gravy and ketchup (salt as well). With that I had a hamburger and hotdog. I make odd hotdogs. The hamburger however, was plain. Ketchup, mustard, and pickles. Hotdog had saurkraut, some chinese hot sauce, suicide sauce, ketchup, hot ketchup, mustard, hot mustard, honey mustard, onion bits, sweet peppers, some salt, rellish, pickles, some bacon bits, cheese, mayonnaise, and to top it all off, some olives. To wash it down I had some ginger-ale. Like, two bottles (together make 1litre).

FOR DINNER, I WILL HAVE: Leftover lunch (my family had a different lunch), which is pretty much just sandwiches. I will take note to have like 5 sandwiches, but unsure what to put on it.

INBETWEEN MEALS: I had like 12 Skor bars today, a salad, and some cans (3) of tomato soup. I also had a bag of Miss Vickies (one of the big bags), flavor was Black Pepper and Lime.

And though I can't find it now, I distinctively recall him complaining about his family being poor (could have been in the chat). Oh gee. I wonder where all that money goes.

At this point Sinistral (resident biology doctorate student, now researcher, for reference) starts tearing into him.

Sinistral wrote:

Funny thing is today in class we were talking about how skinny anorexics that went to speaker's clinic always talked about how much they ate and the fat people always talked about how they ate nothing when they were asked about what they ate.

Ultimately, you can't tell me you eat and keep all that in and maintain your weight. It is thermodynamically impossible and of all people I know about this stuff. You either eat less than you say and are thus lying, which is a believable assumption considering your history, or as I believe you admitted, you purge and you have a bullimia problem you're not realizing.

(Next post, after Setz retorts with "bulimia = intentional")

You should get an MRI done of your gastro-intestinal tract to look for serious anomalies.

But Setz knows there's nothing to worry about!

Setz wrote:

Once I was hit by a car, and got two cuts on my arm; I still have the scars. I was pulled out of school for the Friday it happened on, but I just got up and walked away. Felt fine ever since.

Unfortunately, recently, same thing happened to a friend; and she died in her sleep the following day because her heart just stopped.

But I feel fine, nothing can possibly happen.

Because he's Superman!

I'm rather amazed (or not) that he never reacts to how little everyone else say they're eating and still seems surprised when people say that he eats way more than he should.

EileenK98 wrote:

I think I gained five pounds just reading that food description. There is no way anyone can eat all that in one day -- hell, in one week -- and not explode.

Not unless you're the size of King Kong, anyway.

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Hotdog had saurkraut, some chinese hot sauce, suicide sauce, ketchup, hot ketchup, mustard, hot mustard, honey mustard, onion bits, sweet peppers, some salt, rellish, pickles, some bacon bits, cheese, mayonnaise, and to top it all off, some olives. To wash it down I had some ginger-ale. Like, two bottles (together make 1litre).

I totes figured it out u gais

the guy has firehose diarrhea

Cyberwulf wrote:

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Hotdog had saurkraut, some chinese hot sauce, suicide sauce, ketchup, hot ketchup, mustard, hot mustard, honey mustard, onion bits, sweet peppers, some salt, rellish, pickles, some bacon bits, cheese, mayonnaise, and to top it all off, some olives. To wash it down I had some ginger-ale. Like, two bottles (together make 1litre).

I totes figured it out u gais

the guy has firehose diarrhea

Well, he does admit to being bulimic, and it's not unusual for bulimics (and anorexics) to use laxatives in addition to vomiting. So that could play a part in it. I know when I had to have my colonoscopy, I probably lost a good 5-7 lbs overnight because of the stuff you have to drink beforehand. Do that on a regular basis, and you'll end up with chronic irritable bowel syndrome.