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 Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires

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Nevvy
Sporkbender
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Join date : 2009-06-30

Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires Empty
PostSubject: Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires   Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires EmptyThu Sep 30, 2010 11:55 am

Another one from my vault. This one is still on the 'net but incredibly short. The author in question has a tendency to start stories but never finish them.

Also she blames ff.net and her word processor for her typos. No, really.

The author, in her profile wrote:
For some reason something is happening to my stories. I reread it and have my sister help me edit it if I miss anything and no matter how many times I save the document...It turns out all wrong, the grammar and sentences are all squished together and even if I delete the story, it's still there.

As far as excuses for bad writing is, this has to be one of the lamest.

And yes, there are elf vampires in WoW. They are undead blood (ahahaha... ha) elves called Darkfallen. Luckily they don't have too much to do with anything apart from being raid bosses. I don't think I've ever seen any other fic about them, actually.

Let's dive right into Prince Valanar's new pet. Promising, isn't it?

This particular story has only one chapter, consisting of seven paragraphs with narrative and dialogue mashed up together in neigh-unreadable lumps. Also, at the end of the second paragraph it starts being in all italics and doesn't seem to know where to stop.

Quote :
Valanar Smiled as he saw a small group off in the distance.

From where are they coming? Where is he standing so that he sees them? Supposedly this is all in Naxxanar seeing as that's where he starts off in WotLK, but the only hint we actually get of that is in the summary. We don't get any scene descriptions! We don't deserve scene descriptions!

Quote :

He looked over his shoulder at the two captives he held here for the Lich King "looks like we're going to have some guests" he murmured in a dark voice

Who are these captives? Supposedly Leryssa and General Arlos, I guess, but it's never said so, not even whether they are male or female. All we learn about them is that they are human.

See, being a die-hard Hordie I didn't even know that there's a special event when killing Valanar if you're Alliance, but thanks to fifteen seconds of research I found that out. This story makes me work for my understanding of the narrative. What a novel idea! Straying for my saying that I snark stories and not authors, I can also point out that I can write "General Arlos and Death Knight Thassarian's sister, Laryssa" in less than ten seconds. That's how difficult that little piece of information would have been to hammer out.

Quote :
"Magic users" he sighed. He looked through the eyes of the gargoyles and saw what classes he would be facing, "A druid, a mage, a warlock, and a shaman; such weak classes" he murmured.

Yeah, nevermind their gear, stature or anything. Those wimps should have brought a DK, who the hell plays WotLK without bringing a DK?! Ow, that hurt. Though I do hope that the druid is the tank, otherwise they do seem to lack one of those and then, it's kinda understandable I suppose. If you live in game-mechanic-land.

Which... we do.

Quote :
The Lich King's image appeared just as the group showed up "My liege" Valanar whispered as he knelt down in front of his Image "Blood Prince Valanar of the San'layn, your time is up" shouted the warlock, the lich king's image disappeared

After snarking so many Lichy romance fics, it's refreshing to see one where his appearance is not only brief but *ding!* entirely pointless.

But that paragraph isn't done with us yet!

Quote :
the lich king's image disappeared and the warlock shot a shadow bolt then cast immolate but had them deflected onto his group mates behind him "You think your puny spells can hurt a blood prince?" Valanar chuckled "Damnit Shayde, you had to study Destruction" Shouted the mage.

I told you we were in game-mechanics-land, didn't I?

Quote :
Valanar laughed and turned to his captives "why would members of the horde want to save humans?" he asked, Shayde turned to the Mage then turned his attention back to Valanar "because no matter what faction, safety of others matter" said the mage.

There's never any explanation for why this plucky belf mage is such a carebear. Also, the belves and Valanar are the only ones to get any lines at all in this entire thing, apart from the tauren calling Shayde an idiot with good reason. The humans and the orc are never allowed a single word. And only the belves are named.

Tch.

Quote :
Valanar laughed and began to cast a spell; causing his snow white hair billow behind him "I'd like to see you try and take them then" he laughed

Now, I quoted this because I want you to be aware of the fact that Valanar starts to cast a spell at this point. It's never said that he actually uses it, however. I'm going to guess that he had Soul Deflection activated when the, erm, heroes arrived and now reactivated it, because...

Quote :
Shayde tossed a immolate spell then began casting conflagurate "you idiot" shouted the druid. Shayde shot conflagurate at Valanar but it deflected towards the group sending them back, Shayde landed next to the mage, he placed a hand on the mage's arm "Midevih, I'm sorry" he murmured before blacking out. The wind of the cold north began to blow "pitiful, just pitiful" Valanar muttered, with a wave of his hand the captives disappeared in a flash of purple "looks like it wasn't your time to challenge me" he murmured.

He walked over to the group and knelt down in front of them "Tauren druid is gone, Orc Shaman is gone, Blood elf warlock is gone and Blood elf mage is unconscious. I'll take the mage back for more offerings to the Lich King" he murmured.

Yes, you read that right. The warlock just killed himself and his teammates with his own spells, even after he'd already seen that they were deflected.

Do I even need to make fun of this?

Also, how the hell can the mage be just unconscious when the others are dead? It doesn't make sense whether you use earth logic or game mechanics. She's either much more frail than a sturdy orc shaman or tauren druid, or has far less HP.

Silly me. Obviously It's In The Script.

Quote :
He left Shayde and the other two group members where they were. He picked up the mage and smiled "the others would be fine death knights" he murmured as he began to disappear with the entire group.

They just died from ONE HIT due to the stupidest warlock on the planet! What the heck makes you think they'll be "fine death knights"? Okay, going under full control of Lichy can only improve their intelligence, but you'd think he's got higher standards than that for his stormtroopers.

The last sentence confuses me, but I guess he's teleporting everyone away.

Quote :
Midevih woke up in a strange room. It looked like one of the rooms inside one of the Silvermoon city inns, but only darker

Holy shit guys, a scene description!

Quote :
"well I see you're awake" Valanar mumbled, Midevih blinked forward and tried to make a escape attempt but Valanar caught her by the arm. "I don't think so" he murmured.

Le gasp, the dreaded arm-grasp tactic! She is at his mercy now!

Amazingly, she doesn't kill herself by trying to throw a fireball in his face and have it deflected. Then again, you'd think she would at least try at this point, but she reverts to just spitting in his face and trying to slap him, as if she didn't have any special powers at all.

Quote :
Midevih tried to slap him but he caught her wrist "now now, that's not how you treat someone who saved your life" he said darkly. Midevih spat in his face and tried to squirm free, Valanar wiped her spit away from his cheek

Hang on, he's holding her arm and her wrist AND wiping belf spit from his face. Is he like the woman on the cover of Christina Dodd's Castles in the Air?

Quote :
"I want to know why you don't trust me, what happened to your concern with other factions" he asked.

Why wouldn't she trust you? Why, you obviously didn't stand and stare at her for long enough while she was napping, you silly goose. It's not like she came here to kill you because you're a commanding officers of the undead legions preparing to conquer the world or anything.

Quote :
"you don't know what you're missing, The scourge life is better than those pathetic leaders of yours" he growled.

I will admit that rot is probably preferable to Garrosh, but otherwise I'll pass.

Quote :
Midevih tsked and rolled her eyes "Such attitude for a youngling elf" he muttered, Midevih gasped and looked at him "how did you know?" she asked "simple, your attitude for one. And I can tell" he answered.

Also the long ears and green eyes kinda clued him in. Or, if we're strictly speaking age, the fact that he's a belf himself behind the gothic clothing and would therefore probably be able to tell how old people of his own race are pretty easily.

And then he decides to stop playing with his food.

Quote :
she gasped in pain as she felt a sharp prick on her wrist, she looked at Valanar and he was pricking her wrist with one of his clawed fingers.

Well, that's one way to do it if you don't feel like making a mess on the carpet, I guess.

Quote :
He brought up his blood covered thumb up to his lips and brushed his thumb across them, he smiled then licked the blood from his lips "ah the taste of a innocent Magic addicted blood elf's blood is so irresistible" he murmured.

Duuude, she's from Silvermoon (AKA Horde ERP central), so "innocent" is probably a stretch. Who knows where she's been? Drinking her blood will probably give you a buckload of interesting, magical STDs.

Quote :

Midevih started to feel light headed as she wrist began to throb as Valanar pushed even harder

How did this girl and her Victorian era lady stamina survive a blow that killed a tauren, again?

And then he actually starts drinking blood from her wrist and she passes out while he laughs manically. Not quite sure how he avoids choking on her probably not at all innocent blood while drinking and laughing at the same time, but then again he's a vampire.

Moral of the story is... warlocks are always trouble.
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Chris91
Knight of the Bleach
Knight of the Bleach
Chris91

Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 53
Location : Salem, Mass., USA

Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires Empty
PostSubject: Re: Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires   Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires EmptyThu Sep 30, 2010 12:11 pm

This thing should be buried at sea.
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Reepicheep-chan
Important Person
Important Person
Reepicheep-chan

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 35
Location : IN A SEXY NEW CONDO

Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires Empty
PostSubject: Re: Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires   Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires EmptyThu Sep 30, 2010 1:24 pm

Quote :
Not quite sure how he avoids choking on her probably not at all innocent blood while drinking and laughing at the same time, but then again he's a vampire.
*Snrk* Maybe he has two mouths in addition to his three arms?
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Vilecat

Vilecat

Join date : 2010-09-24
Location : Great White North

Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires Empty
PostSubject: Re: Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires   Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires EmptyThu Sep 30, 2010 1:51 pm

Quote :
Also, how the hell can the mage be just unconscious when the others are dead? It doesn't make sense whether you use earth logic or game mechanics. She's either much more frail than a sturdy orc shaman or tauren druid, or has far less HP.
MAGE TANK! Wait, that's not King Maulgar...
Maybe the druid was a panzerkin Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires 961878

A more plausible alternate to this fight would have been the warlock bring too trigger happy, the tank being unable to get solid TPS on Valanar (lowbie/undergeared druids are a pain to keep aggro with) while the shaman's going batshit trying to keep everyone alive, thus making the healer the new tank. Shaman ran out of ankh and mage doesn't know how to ice block, lulz all-around. Half the group ninjalog out of rage and it's back to square one, with a new name for the ignore list :D

Quote :
Duuude, she's from Silvermoon (AKA Horde ERP central), so "innocent" is probably a stretch. Who knows where she's been? Drinking her blood will probably give you a buckload of interesting, magical STDs.
It would be an interesting explanation of how the Wretched came to be.
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EileenK98
Recovering Fanbrat
Recovering Fanbrat
EileenK98

Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 52
Location : very, very close to Chris

Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires Empty
PostSubject: Re: Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires   Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires EmptyThu Sep 30, 2010 4:26 pm

The Pit does occasionally screw up formatting; however, it is fixable, for those willing to put in the work. Clearly, this author is not.
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Chris91
Knight of the Bleach
Knight of the Bleach
Chris91

Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 53
Location : Salem, Mass., USA

Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires Empty
PostSubject: Re: Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires   Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires EmptyFri Oct 01, 2010 8:06 am

I'm not sure she can even SPELL "work".
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Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires Empty
PostSubject: Re: Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires   Warlocks don't mix well with elf vampires Empty

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