Lame vampires

I can't even begin to explain the bizarre plot of my novel: maybe I can do that another day. One component of it is a book-within-a-book which is a Twilight-esque vampire story which is utterly dire. I need something to happen when the vampires get into the sun--something along the lines of vampires sparkling but even lamer. But, obviously, still appealingly pretty for teenage girls to drool over.

I was thinking about crying uncontrollably. With golden tears.

Anyone got any lamer suggestions?

Sadly, I think glittering in the sunlight is probably the lamest thing for a vampire to do.

Maybe they look like those crappy photoshopped pictures. :B

Actually, that would be pretty creepy.

Lurv wrote:

Maybe they look like those crappy photoshopped pictures. :B

Actually, that would be pretty creepy.

Oh God, Sam on the Farm calls!

In chatbox, Mae Bedlam had the wonderful idea of crying crystal tears which I'm leaning towards now. This means I can go crazy with the purple prose and use the word "orbs"!

The crystal tears idea sounds great, Or you could make it some sort of gem.

bleachedblackcat wrote:

The crystal tears idea sounds great, Or you could make it some sort of gem.

Crystalline tears in rainbow colours!

How about they turn rainbow colors and sweat pure gold?

If they sweat gold then it could hurt and then the vampires could get angsty about it.

They begin to radiate showtunes from the Sound of Music and small birds flutter to perch on their shoulders?

They catch fire, and run around screaming.

It doesn't _kill_ them, but it's hilarious to watch.

Maybe they get irresistibly compelled to pull a cane and straw hat out of nowhere and do something like this?

KGarrett wrote:

Maybe they get irresistibly compelled to pull a cane and straw hat out of nowhere and do something like this?

*convulses with laughter* Damn it, I really want to do this, but it's just not pretty enough!

Hmm, golden sweat is quite a nice one, Myth, it's all very pretty and angst-inducing.

I'm getting bored of the main plot. I just want to write pages and pages of chronically rubbish vampires going around talking in stiff dialogue about eternal love. While crying copiously and being all shiny

ZoZo wrote:

KGarrett wrote:

Maybe they get irresistibly compelled to pull a cane and straw hat out of nowhere and do something like this?

*convulses with laughter* Damn it, I really want to do this, but it's just not pretty enough!

A sparkly straw hat, then?

ZoZo wrote:

KGarrett wrote:

Maybe they get irresistibly compelled to pull a cane and straw hat out of nowhere and do something like this?

*convulses with laughter* Damn it, I really want to do this, but it's just not pretty enough!

Hmm, golden sweat is quite a nice one, Myth, it's all very pretty and angst-inducing.

I'm getting bored of the main plot. I just want to write pages and pages of chronically rubbish vampires going around talking in stiff dialogue about eternal love. While crying copiously and being all shiny

Okay, what about having light rays shining out of their bodily orifices while their skin goes jet-black, like the Protoss Archons?

They could turn iridescent, like abalone or bubbles. Or absorb the sunlight and release it later in the dark, like the glow-in-the-dark toys you get at the dollar store.

Or, each vampire could be ~*UnIqUe*~ and do something different, and explain it away as their reaction to sunshine depends on their personality or mood or the blood type they last drank or something.

EDIT: Looks like Myth already suggested the rainbow/iridescence thing. So, I'm seconding it.

Oh! Oh! I know! How about their eyes go rainbow coloured? Oh! And their eyes can change colour Sueishly depending on mood?

I just put in a werewolf. He is called Carlos and is the world's most cliched romance villain. He even has a moustache which he twirls periodically.

They spooge blood when they masturbate.

Penguin wrote:

They spooge blood when they masturbate.

Ooh... now I think I might have them spooging glitter, or rainbows or something.

ZoZo wrote:

Penguin wrote:

They spooge blood when they masturbate.

Ooh... now I think I might have them spooging glitter, or rainbows or something.

"Wow look at that rainbOWWWW MY EYE WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID THIS GLITTER OH GOD IT BURNS WHAT THE HELL"

OK, I am having the most colossal fun with iridescent, whiny vampires. I actually did put in spooging rainbows. Magical, healing rainbows, no less.

The half-human half-vampire Sue-baby will crap rainbows, I think.