I'm not attempting to bite on Weirdy or anything, but her Silent Hill snark did remind me that I originally had a half-assed idea of doing a snark in each of my fandoms for the Snark-a-Thon, and Silent Hill has been a favorite fandom of mine for a long, long time. Since Team Silent left, the series has broken my heart over and over again, and I've drifted a bit because of it, but there's always a warm, fuzzy feeling to be had in taking the piss out of a terrible fic in any fandom. As such, I bring you
The Devil Plays With Dolls, an unfortunate Twilight byproduct.
Like all proper Silent Hill games, the plot of SH4 is a complicated thing, and I won't attempt to recreate it here. However, as the fic is removed from it save for a few key points, I'll give a brief cast of characters for the uninformed:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]Henry Townshend: The game's protagonist, trapped inside his apartment except for special areas he can get through by a dark portal. Kindly described, he's introverted, remaining quiet for most of the game to allow the gamer room to input their own psychology. More commonly put, he has the personality of a piece of damp cardboard. Will not actually be appearing in this fic, instead being played by a robust vampire swashbuckler type.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]Eileen Galvin: Henry's next-door neighbor, who can become a canon love interest in the better endings and mincemeat in the worse ones. Mostly known as the token load, as you have to lug her around for the second half of the game, but not as hated as most escort missions due to a well-known glitch that allows full recovery if you need it.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]Walter Sullivan: The antagonist. Very,
very simply put, wants to resurrect his mother by killing twenty-one sacrifices, or "Sacraments", with Henry, the Receiver, as the ceremony lynchpin. While he'll run after you with machine guns blazing, he'll also speak quietly to you, and is much more "terminally insane with a mission" than "sadistic EVIL EVIL EVIL" as portrayed here. Mommy issues. Batshit insane. Not actually Jesus.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]Jasper Gein: Not appearing in this fic, but is my favorite character and does not get enough respect, so neener neener neener.
With that out of the way, let's get this shit over with, shall we?
- Quote :
- This story is told from Henry's POV, as a VAMPIRE! Yeah, you heard right. The thought seemed sexy to me... ^_^
SMEYEEEEEEEER!
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] - Quote :
- It had begun to drizzle. I wished I were outside right about now; the sun was going down, and the “night owls” were beginning to crowd the streets of the medium-sized city. It had been too long since I'd had a taste of one of them. It was a good thing I liked blood—the Otherworlds sure seemed to have enough of it.
Meanwhile, in the Silent Hill break room...Valtiel: So, you seen the new guy yet?
Pyramid Head: New guy, new guy, new g--oh! The crazy wall-licking guy?
Valtiel: Yeah, him. Man, I know we're supposed to get the ones with a valve loose, but going around slurping the wallpaper? That's just out there.
Pyramid Head: Everything's valves with you. But yeah, dude, that's fucked. Know what I saw?
Valtiel: What?
Pyramid Head: He was suckin' blood out of Greedy Worm!
Valtiel: Aw, sick! Seriously? Does he know what it's supposed to
be?
Pyramid Head: I think he knows and he
likes it.
Valtiel: That is fucked, dude. That is even more fucked than what you did to that Lying Figure.
Pyramid Head: Hey, what he and I have is special, man. Don't go hatin' on us just 'cause the new kid's got issues.
Valtiel: Yeah, yeah...well, I've gotta run, handservant to God,
you know.
Pyramid Head: We're still on for poker Saturday, right?
Valtiel: Yeah, dunno why, though. Dahlia always wins. It's like the cards are foretold by...by...
Dahlia: GYROMANCY!
Valtiel: ...or something.
- Quote :
- Why was I doing this? I was already dead, no need to make that point any clearer. But I had to save Eileen. I usually didn't care much for humans; only for food did I ever need them.
I am a vampire; awkwardly I construct my sentences to prove this.
- Quote :
- “Henry!” she cried when she saw me. She limped over to embrace me with her good arm, her purple purse smacking my spine hard. “Oops,” she whispered, pulling her arm back.
I laughed. “It's okay. Trust me, that didn't hurt at all.”
“Good,” she said quietly, flashing white teeth at me. “You aren't easily hurt, I assume.”
“You would assume correctly,” I said without a hint of expression on my face.
As opposed to canon!Henry, who can run the fastest of any Silent Hill protagonist, but is a gorram bleeder. Could not
keep that boy in health drinks on the harder difficulties.
- Quote :
- She nodded once and we went as quickly as we could down the staircase, ignoring the disturbing sights above and around us. It didn't bother me, but Eileen was easily spooked. We reached the bottom and came to a door with a marking on it—the same marking that I had seen many times before. Upon entering it, we found a new room that was utterly boring, to say the least. Nothing seemed at all interesting in it, so we moved on.
Four hours later, after checking a walkthrough...Eileen: I can't believe we had to walk all the way back here! And we barely have any health drinks left!
Henry: Shut up, how was I supposed to know to check under the rug twice? Who ever heard of a door that can only be opened by a can of jelly beans in walnut sauce, anyway?
- Quote :
- I drew in a breath. The air smelt of death, no doubt, but . . . something was different about it. Someone was here. I sniffed once more, tasting a familiar scent in the back of my throat. It sent a chill down my spine and my breathing was ragged for a moment.
Eileen: Ooh, I smell it too...like...like a garage sale if everything was made of bacon?
Henry: Eileen, there's no mistaking it.
There's /b/tards in them thar apartments.Eileen: *GASPY!*
- Quote :
- That was when everything went black.
I was locked in an ice-cold bondage, chains wrapped around my body like puppet strings.
So...very inefficiently, barely touching his limbs, then?
- Quote :
- The room felt hollow, impure. . .
Like any other room in Silent Hill, then. Also, aren't most rooms hollow? Otherwise, they'd be cubes.
- Quote :
- “Ugh. . .” I breathed. “Where. . . where am I?”
Does anyone ever, ever,
ever actually ask that? Wouldn't "What hit me?" or "What the hell?" or a well-placed "Whuuuurgh...?" be more accurate?
- Quote :
- A low chuckle burst from the darkness. Blond hair, a long blue coat, and shiny boots came my way, a stitched smile permanently scarred onto his face.
Major Armstrong, NO!
- Quote :
- "I hope you know that this bondage won't hold me back,” I reminded him. Walter and I exchanged a long, unbreaking stare.
Henry: ..."these bonds". I meant "these bonds".
Walter: It's an interesting idea.
- Quote :
- With teeth clenched together, I watched as Walter ripped down my skin, tearing open my shirt and my flesh, going between the rib cage and slicing my bellybutton in two. I was barely bleeding.
“Hmm, what's this, Receiver?” Walter questioned. “You're not bleeding like you're supposed to.”
Walter: Normally there's more WHOOSH and SPLURT and AIEE and blupblupblup.
Henry: Only because you're doing it wrong! I'm a blood connoisseur, I'll have you know!
Walter: Perhaps I'll set you on fire instead. There was screaming when I did that last. Happy screaming. It was good.
Henry: You know that isn't the typical reaction to that, right?
Walter: It worked for him. That made me happy.
- Quote :
- “This is the good thing about creatures like you , Henry,” he continued, holding up the glittering knife. “You're not fragile like the others. You're a dolly, made just for my enjoyment. You won't die, ever. . . but that's a good thing.” He shoved the knife into my chest, cutting and slicing and tearing into my insides, which would've killed me if the circumstances had been different.
Uh...neither will
any of the ghosts of the people you killed. That was one of the big hooks of the game, is you couldn't freaking get
rid of the bastards. If he really wanted an immortal stab-buddy, he could have his choice of twenty models in all shapes and sizes. But I guess that wouldn't be ~*sexy*~.
- Quote :
- “Walter, this is pathetic!” I cried, feeling the knife cut across a rib. “If you were a real man, you'd let me go and have a fair fight!”
The stabbing stopped. The knife dropped to the ground, a chilling plink sound piercing the air. Walter's crushed heart seemed as plain as the look on his face.
“But I'm not a real man,” he whimpered. “I don't exist. Just like you. Just like them.” He glared coldly and my fists clenched. “Just like her.”
I roared loudly in his face. He jumped back, laughing hysterically.
Walter: Dude, what? Just...what? I'm crazier than a worm-eyed weasel, but that's just
fucked.
Valtiel: I told you!
- Quote :
- The chains broke under my force. They clinked to the ground and I charged toward Walter, launching myself right at his throat. I pinned him to the floor, bit his neck, and began sucking until I tasted something.
Henry: *SLRPSLRPSLRP*...what the...Sunny D?
Walter: It's a sordid story.
- Quote :
- After a couple of sips, I pulled my teeth out of his neck and screamed wildly. Walter got to his feet, holding the side of his neck while he watched my painful experience.
I clutched my throat and kept screaming. Walter's blood was cold in my stomach, but it burned, stinging and singeing my inner flesh. I retched, trying to get the horrible liquid out of me, and it was no use. I felt like I was dying. Finally, weakened from the poisoned sustenance, I fell to the ground and lay there quietly. I was very still.
Walter: Oh, suck it up, it's still not as bad as diet root beer.
Henry: ...haaaah...you said..."suck it up"...vampire...humor...
- Quote :
- “Stop playing games, Walter,” I said forcefully, “I've had enough!”
Walter got to his feet slowly in a surrendering way, hands held out to reveal his palms.
“I'm sorry, Mr. Vampire,” he began sarcastically. “Please don't eat me.”
Oh gawd. To those uninitiated, sarcasm is as out of place on Walter as, say, the Queen Mother would be in Wal-Mart. This is physically painful.
- Quote :
- I couldn't stand it any longer. Scrambling to my feet, I felt a sharp jolt of pain shoot through my body. I cried out in pain and Walter tensed, grabbing the knife from the floor and holding it out toward me. The delay didn't stop me—I ran at him again and punched him so hard that he flew across the room.
Holy fuck, are we in an episode of Batman now? I know the game toyed with ragdoll physics, but this is a bit much.
- Quote :
- “You think you're funny?” I asked him angrily. “You think you can mess around with me? Well, I've had it!” My footfalls were loud and echoing as I brisked up to him. “I'm sick of your mind games, and your murders, and your lies!”
...Walter doesn't lie. About anything. He is deadly serious and perfectly sincere in his work. You are just throwing in words that sound good now, author. Way to fucking go.
- Quote :
- “I won't kill you now, dearest Walter,” I said smoothly, a cunning smile playing on my lips and a honey-coated chuckle escaping my throat. “But in time, I will. Don't doubt me.”
Henry: I just need a pickaxe, eight spears, an umbilical cord, a gun AND a melee weapon, and oh, then you'd just better watch my dust, mister!
Walter: Great, I have time to make popcorn then.
- Quote :
- Stepping over him, I strode toward a familiar scent that I had just caught—candy and velvet, and everything that was good in life. Eileen Galvin.
Eileen: Hai gaiz, I was just over in the Lakeside Amusement Park souvenir shop, rolling in the discarded taffy. What'd I miss?
Henry: I SMELL FEELINGS :D
- Quote :
- “There you are!” she said happily. “I waited for you to come out of the men's room, but you never did.
Eileen: Well, I'm alone there now...outside the men's room...waiting for you...
Henry: We'd better wrap this thing up, the scripts are getting tangled.
- Quote :
- I grabbed her hand and squeezed it tight.
This was the moment, the one I had been looking for all my life. I knew in my cold, dead heart that this girl was going to be mine forever. . . forever, and ever, and ever.
I knew she was the one.
I took a deep breath as her green eyes met mine. “Eileen. . . there's something I have to tell you.”
Eileen: I'm gay.
Henry: NOOOOOOO!
Eileen: Phew, dodged
that bullet.
...and now I have to go play all the Silent Hill games again. Oh well, things could be worse. Enjoy, guys!
Home 
