In which Spike the vampire kills other vampires with steaks.

As we all know, 99% of the time, Crossover fics bring many lulz and facepalming. This story is no exception, as it brings both. Alright, so, lets get started in The Masters point of view. Be warned, the point of view changes whenever the hell the author feels like it!

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I was lying in my…cell; it could hardly be called a 'room',

Well no shit, its a CELL.

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devil in question (the immortal) walked in. great. My day just
gotbetter."He came bouncing up to my and the doctors cell
"guesswhat?" he asked with a cheeky grin of his face.

Alright, so let me take a minute here to explain who The Immortal is, since he was only mentioned once ever in an episode of Angel. Hes some old vampire who pissed Angel and Spike off during the old days when Spike and Angel were BFFs. Now, apparently, he prefers to kidnap aliens and lock them in cells for no good reason. Moving on!

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"You decided to let us go out of the good-will of youdead heart?" I
asked sarcastically. He gave a snort of laughter

I'm so glad my first language is English, or I'd be looking up "youdead" in a dictionary.

So, The Immortal has his guards bring in two werewolves and The Master remembers some good times.

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Ha, ha, he wasn't very happy last time we escape, he knew there was no
was of the space ship so we broke into his room and stole all his
expensive chocolate, I smiled at the memory, mmm…expensive chocolate. A
loud raw from one of the wolves bought me back to the present.

TAKE THAT, YOU BLOODSUCKING FIEND. WE ATE ALL YOUR CHOCOLATE! MUAHAHAHA!
"he knew there was no was of the space ship" can anyone decipher that?

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I stared at the wolf, and it stared
right back at me, it had bright
blue eye, I knew them eyes from somewhere, not two people in the world
could have eyes that bright shade of light blue?

NOT. TWO. PEOPLE. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Then the wolf turned to the cell next to us-which held a girl, a young
girl. She only looked about 15, maybe 16, but her face was covered in
dirt, so I wasn't sure. she reached a hand through the bars of her cell, and just managed to
touch the side of his head. He leaned his face into her palm "spike" the
girl whispered. Spike? I'd never heard that
name before, so where
did I know his eyes from, I'd defiantly met him before.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Defiantly.

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"Is there no way we can escape?" I shouted in anger, which made the
doctor jump, I realized he'd been asleep.

Because the Doctor found this a very good time for a nap which he doesn't really need.
Oh, and for a side note of fail: when in wolf form, Spike and John can communicate
telepathically. Twilight, anyone? (Oh god, I just looked at her page. Shes a huge Twilight fan. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] )

Anyways, they eventually get Spike and John changed back into human and vampire form...

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"so, what should I call you then?" I asked, I made my point
earlier that Spike sounded like a dog's name.
"Spike." He replied again, I was just going to reply when the bloody
Doctor butted into our conversation."HI! My names The Doctor!" he
stated happily, a wide grin on his face.

Fuck you, author, that's not his name. His name is Eggly Bagelface.

They escape, leaving the girl behind and never speaking of her again, because the Doctor would just do that.

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Then the Master smacked the doctor up the side of the head."Shut
up!" he growled through clenched teeth. "Do you want us to get
caught again? If you get us captured again I swear I will kill you!" I
said in a hushed voice."You hit me!" the doctor said surprised.
"I cant remember the last time you hit me, that hurt!"

Why is the Doctor so bloody whiny? I swear, in this fic, hes a complete idiot.

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The three blokes sounded like they were just around the corner, from the
slow rhythm of their heartbeats I think their vamp's. I reached into
the inside pocket of my coat, and smiled happily when my fingers closed
around the wooden steak.

Vampires have heartbeats and you kill them with steaks.

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Haven't had proper blood in ages…not since we were put in this bloody
place, so it tasted better than it ever has done. (A/N dunno whether
vamps have blood or not?)

Holy shit, has this girl ever even watched Buffy? Every time Spike fights he gets all bloodied up. Fuck.

So then Spike kills these vampire guards with steaks, and the Doctors all bitching because he killed them.
Now, I know the Doctor doesn't like to kill things, but I think he'd make an exception with soulless, evil vampires.

This story makes me sad for all three fandoms. I'm pretty sure this author went "Hey, Spike is sexy! Lets put him in a Torchwood and Doctor Who setting, FOR NO APPARENT REASON WHATSOEVER!! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] "

My rating of this story: [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Haven't had proper blood in ages…not since we were put in this bloody
place, so it tasted better than it ever has done. (A/N dunno whether
vamps have blood or not?)

"Oi, there is no bloody proper blood on this bloody bloodless ship! Give me some now or I will bloody stab you with this bloody steak and drink your bloody blood!"

Re: Spike In Doctor Who...
Spike has turned up in a "Classic" Doctor Who novel, abeit as his Pre-Vampire/"Unsired" form of "William The Dire Poet" in a cameo...
Besides, would'nt Spike lick the stake clean of Vampiric Ichor, (that is assuming that the Vampires here are not the ones from State of Decay, which needed a steel bolt to kill, rather than a wooden stake)...?
I'm assuming 10 Doc, Spike, Capt.John & the Simm! Master here, though the Ainley! Master might be a better choice, given the writing, but then I'm "old skool".
As for the "James Masters a thon", is Barabbas, the Religious Terrorist from Caprica, now about to make a appearance...?

That's right folks, in order to kill a vampire, you feed them a nice juicy medium rare steak, preferably on the full moon.

BadficReadings wrote:

That's right folks, in order to kill a vampire, you feed them a nice juicy medium rare steak, preferably on the full moon.

But it has to be a WOODEN steak. Do you have any idea how hard those things are to cook? They keep catching on fire!

Rabid Badger wrote:

BadficReadings wrote:

That's right folks, in order to kill a vampire, you feed them a nice juicy medium rare steak, preferably on the full moon.

But it has to be a WOODEN steak. Do you have any idea how hard those things are to cook? They keep catching on fire!

It's either that or they get way beyond well done. Nasty things they are.

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please review if your reading, no reviews, no updates. thanks

I fucking hate it when authors do that, like the sheer AWESOME of your MAGNIFICENT story is all that keeps us going through our utterly pathetic, mundane lives. We just CRAVE to see that you've updated your story. Yeah. You're doing us SUCH a favour by updating, we love you and we'll beg for more of your story.

Any decent author writes for themself, and is thrilled if anyone else happens to read their story and is kind enough to review it.

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The doctor stood up strait and stretched, then her sighed and relaxed again

The Doctor, in the interim, has been killed and has regenerated as a woman.

Also, this author seems to capitalize anything only when she feels like it/remembers.

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The doctor whined "No need to be rude! God I was only joking…"

You're right, FreakEgg; Jesus, the Doctor is whiny in this story.

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John gave him evils and spike pocked his tongue out at him.

...Is "giving someone evils" an expression I'm not familiar with? I don't even know what that means.

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"Owen!" I asked"Yeah!" he replied excitedly, "What you doing here?" he asked, suspicious.

...What TIMELINE is this story supposed to be set in?? A couple paragraphs above the author mentions events from 'The End of Time', and now is introducing Owen, who was dead in the canon before 'The End of Time'. LOLWUT?

Oh, wait. I'm sorry. My bad. I forgot: the author doesn't GIVE A FUCK about timelines or common sense.

*sighs* I've seen a lot of BtVS/Torchwood crossovers ever since James Marsters did a guest spot on a couple episodes of TW as Capt. John. Granted, John wasn't that much unlike Spike but there's not even the remotest correlation between those two shows. None whatsoever. I just don't get that shit. When an actor becomes famous for one role, automatically it becomes a crossover event in fandom if he/she is in another series even if they're a different character.

theweirdkind wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

BadficReadings wrote:

That's right folks, in order to kill a vampire, you feed them a nice juicy medium rare steak, preferably on the full moon.

But it has to be a WOODEN steak. Do you have any idea how hard those things are to cook? They keep catching on fire!

It's either that or they get way beyond well done. Nasty things they are.

Maybe the steaks have to be overcooked then fossilized, meaning that time travel is necessary in order to obtain the steak in the modern era. Unfortunately, one has to find a fail-safe way of protecting it against scavenging dinosaurs.

This is like a wonderful, wonderful sitcom. I can just hear the laugh track in the background, especially when the Master smacks the Doctor and again when he decides to reminisce about stealing chocolate.

Great snark. :D

Rabid Badger wrote:

BadficReadings wrote:

That's right folks, in order to kill a vampire, you feed them a nice juicy medium rare steak, preferably on the full moon.

But it has to be a WOODEN steak. Do you have any idea how hard those things are to cook? They keep catching on fire!

Firstly, you cook the steak, then you use the Rani's transmogrifcation device A/K/A "the Tree Mine", to turn it into wood, then you use it on the Vampire..
To paraphrase a certain annoying CGI Meerkat "Simples...". [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Grimley Fieendish wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

BadficReadings wrote:

That's right folks, in order to kill a vampire, you feed them a nice juicy medium rare steak, preferably on the full moon.

But it has to be a WOODEN steak. Do you have any idea how hard those things are to cook? They keep catching on fire!

Firstly, you cook the steak, then you use the Rani's transmogrifcation device A/K/A "the Tree Mine", to turn it into wood, then you use it on the Vampire..
To paraphrase a certain annoying CGI Meerkat "Simples...". [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Okay, I'm going to go slightly off-topic to say that I find the 'go compare' guy a bit more annoying than the meerkat.

BadficReadings wrote:

Okay, I'm going to go slightly off-topic to say that I find the 'go compare' guy a bit more annoying than the meerkat.

Maybe they could make a crossover, combining them to make the ultimate annoying advert. It may even be as bad as this horrendous crossover.

Vanilla-villa wrote:

BadficReadings wrote:

Okay, I'm going to go slightly off-topic to say that I find the 'go compare' guy a bit more annoying than the meerkat.

Maybe they could make a crossover, combining them to make the ultimate annoying advert. It may even be as bad as this horrendous crossover.

SSSSSHHHH... you might curse it into existence.

The Doctor here seems so whiny, its as if he's turned into John Smith again.

I'm curious if they're ever going to explain who that girl was...