A Tale of Two Species, or How Vampires Survive a Zombie Apocalypse (a Left 4 Dead fic)

Vampires in the Left 4 Dead universe. I suppose it's logical, really, I mean the infected are undead, and there are really weird infected, so... maybe a vampire might make sense? Let's see.

A Tale of Two Species: What happens when two different species meet? Let's find out. PLEASE REVIEW!

The summary doesn't look that bad! It might even be interesting... oh, who am I kidding. This is WGW.

It starts out with a quote from Charles Dickens. Yay. Then, it goes into a third person POV:

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Third Person
At 5'5", Azimov was in good shape.

Wait. Asimov? This guy?

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Al... right. Mental image in mind, let's continue on.

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At 5'5", Azimov was in good shape. Standing out amongst the infected due to his height, his pure white hair despite his being twenty, his heterochromia iridis, one eye being blood red and the other a deep violet.

Oh. My. God. There's so much wrong with this. First there's At 5'5", Azimov was in good shape. Standing out amongst the infected due to his height, which is a big WTF for me as infected come in all, er, sizes. And then there are the eyes. Oh, excuse me, his heterochromia iridis, not speshulness. And that's really just the first two sentences.

It's originally in the third person POV, and then it switches to Asimov's... oh, excuse me, Azimov's.

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I walked over to the safe house and picked up a large infected (not a boomer) and hid behind a nearby door.

Zombie: Doooowwwwnnn...
Azimov: Hush, you.

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"Louis!" screamed the female, running to the door. I quickly ran from my hiding spot and shut the door, blocking it with the large infected.

Zombie: Braai...
*Azimov stuffs the zombie in the door*
Azimov: HA! Now you'll never escape!
*Zombie gets up and wanders off*
Azimov: Oh. Whoops.

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Walking quickly over to Louis, I tapped the nearest infected on the shoulder, it turned and started to lunge but paused and retreated in fear, so did the rest of the crowd, even the smoker.

Zombie: You put me in the door! RAWR!
Azimov: But I am a Stu!
Zombie: *runs in fear*

Ok, so at this point, Asimov tries to "help", but Louis is a goner, so Azimov eats him. And then it switches to Zoey's POV. Make up your mind, author!

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I can't believe that Louis is dead. We had made it, I mean he was here in the room. Pulling myself from my thoughts I relized that we had a stranger in the room and no one knew his name. "What....what's your name?" I asked, looking at the stranger. He looked up and responded,
"Azimov Chekov." He smiled and I noticed that all of his teeth were pointed. I screamed, his teeth were covered in blood. He flicked a piece of meat from his teeth, I stared at it in horror, it was human flesh...a black man's flesh.

Because you didn't see him chomping Louis like a second ago? NOW you're scared Zoey? And... any relation to the Star Trek Chekov?

Instead of blowing this guy away, like any good zombie apocalypse survivor should do, they talk with him. They're wondering what he is. He gives them three guesses, and each one they get wrong, they get a "hint". This is the "hint":

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"No sweetie, but here's your first hint." and before anyone could react Azimov had pulled out a large revolver and blew off both his kneecaps.

Bill: He's saving us the trouble.
Francis: I hate trouble.
Zoey: Are you a... zebra?
Francis: I hate zebras.
Azimov: NO. *shoots self in chest*
Bill: *lights a cigarette* I haven't seen anyone this crazy since the 'Nam.
Francis: *reloads gun*
Zoey: Are you a puddy tat?
Azimov: NO! *blows face off* DON'T YOU SEE?! I AM A WAMPIRE! A WAMPIRE! *evil laughter*
Francis: I hate vampires.

There's more chapters if anyone else wants to finish the snark. There's also a mind-control-unleashing-Zoey's-REAL-unconscious-desires-psuedo-rape scene there too, but it's not rape, because she really wanted it. Really. *eyeroll*

EDIT: Fixing mistake. And adding to a snark.

...is it bad that the thing that bothers me the most is that the stu has like two surnames?

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I mean, that name doesn't even begin to make sense.

Not my fandom at all, but who can pass up a true Vampire!Stu, eh?

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At 5'5", Azimov was in good shape. Standing out amongst the infected due to his height, his pure white hair despite his being twenty, his heterochromia iridis, one eye being blood red and the other a deep violet. That and the fact he was wearing a white suit, white fedora, white leather shoe, white button up under shirt, and a red tie.

In fact, he was on his way to star as a crappy extra in a 1940ies gangster movie, but got sidetracked on his way to work. The fact that his so-white-it-hurts looks made him stand out like a sore thumb in the crowd of zombies, and therefore made him an ideal target should anyone ever get a hold of a gun gave him a bit of trouble, but he figured that his massive Stu-ness field would act as a bullet-deflector.

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The group consisted of a black male, a female, a old male, and a scary looking male, all fighting for their lives.

Clearly, he has not invested enough Stu-points to level up his Grammar-Skill.

What the hell is with the I Am Vampire, Hear Me Roar mode of description here? Are all vampires somehow incapable of using the words "man" and "woman"?

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"Azimov Chekov." He smiled and I noticed that all of his teeth were pointed.

"I also have a brother named Molotov Chekov and a cousin named Ivanov Chekov - our mother had this thing where she thought it would be totally cool to use surnames as first names."

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"Here's you last hint." and with that Azimov placed the gun under his chin and blew off the top of his head, leaving only his jaw intact.

Is it dead? Is it dead?

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"Vampire." the disfigured jaws said, still grinning.

FUCK.

ALSO - HOW THE FUCK DOES A JAW GRIN. He has no top-half-of-his-head to complement his scary jaw-face.

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The man named Azimov was sitting on a box, legs crossed and sipping a cup of tea, where he got it from I’m not sure I’ll ever figure out.

Second chapter, third sentence. How does Azimov have a full set of teeth and a brain again? No explanation.

(I am utterly unfamiliar with the fandom, as I have never played Left 4 Dead, so if this is somehow common knowledge, please tell me I've made a fool of myself kthnx)

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“It means that any rating system you assigned to me would have to be able to the level of ‘so badass that Dracula couldn’t even hope to touch my level of badassness.’”

Ah, I see that the points that did not go towards Grammar Skills went to Bragging So Hard It Hurts instead.

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My original self was currently staring intently at Zoey’s ass.

Watch, kiddies - here comes the romance! Because nothing says love like a creepy man-eating, brain-shooting vampire staring at your ass!

Next chapter, blah blah blah watch the gory killing of infected, they reach the safehouse blah blah.

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The fact that I had used hypnosis on her was besides the point, considering I left her completly concious of her actions, infact if her mind truely desired otherwise it would act otherwise.

... THEN WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT OF HYPNOTISING HER? o.O People doing things out of their own free will is the OPPOSITE of hypnotism.

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"Thats not the only thing missing." She said seductivley as she led my other hand down to her jeans.

Oh hey there, sex-scene out of left-field, I was waiting for you.

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not to mention his fingers delicately playing with my area

This. This I hate so much. You'd think she was going for some subtlety and picking a lame phrase, but not so. See, it's followed by this:

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I moaned with pleasure as he played with my pleasure pearl, using his fingers to rub and twirl.

Brainless Phrases To Describe The Clitoris #1238, with extra redundancy (can you feel the pleasure? Eh, can you?) and to top it all off - rhyme!

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Moving his head to the center of my chest, he elongated his tongue and started licking me between my legs,

What. So is his tongue like two feet long or what? Because that sounds entirely unsexy and edging into creepy territory.

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Upon waking up I found myself in chains…wait chains…oh yeah they thought I was raping her, dumb bastards, don’t know shit.

"Yeah, they totally couldn't tell that my Hypnotism-That-Isn't-Really-Only-I-Say-It-Is was totally causing Zoey to fall for my Stu-ish charms and my handsome two-foot tongue."

Oh, no no, frost. You blow something's head off in Left 4 Dead and they're pretty much dead. It's a Stu thing, be quite assured.

frostflowers wrote:

What. So is his tongue like two feet long or what? Because that sounds entirely unsexy and edging into creepy territory.

Says you.




I mean... uh...
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Reepicheep-chan wrote:

frostflowers wrote:

What. So is his tongue like two feet long or what? Because that sounds entirely unsexy and edging into creepy territory.

Says you.




I mean... uh...
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Ah, well, it's more the fact that he has his head "in the middle of [her] chest" and still manages to lick her vagina - the tongue in that picture is still within the bounds of long-but-wow-that-would-be-kind-of-sexy. A two-foot long tongue would look more like a fancy tie gone horribly wrong - or like the start of a bad Japanese tentacle-rape scene.