And then there was Lady

And then there was Lady

I realize that I snark like every line of this fic, but every line was so phenomenally stupid...

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A new person comes in to help the FBI, But she also use to be a Con-artist and is almost exactly like Neal. Will these two get along after getting to know each other? Will they need Neal anymore, if she's quickly uncovering the Cases? Find out.
I tried to make it very sweet in the beginning But I promise there will be more action later. Greetings to all the viewers, this is my first Fanfiction. Please comment. Im not sure If I should continue this story, But please leave a comment and tell me what you think.

So, basically, she’s totally a Sue. And…yeah.

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It was a typical day at the FBI office. Peter and Neal were trying to solve a piece of the crime that was placed a few days ago,

Neal: What crime was is this again?
Peter: …Hmm. I don’t know. Doesn’t really matter, does it?

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everything was going fine until they got a call where a old crime that was suppose to be finished years ago came up.

Holy shit, Batman.

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The case was the hardest case yet, the person that was behind the crimes was more than brilliant, he was beyond Intelligent!

Beyond Intelligent?! But that guy’s like Chuck Norris on steroids!
Also, lol.

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Peter hung up the phone and gathered his team. "Look, I think were going to have to bring in someone. A good friend and someone with high intelligence, Much brighter than all of us."

“We’re sooooo stuuuupid, we just need someone who’s so much cooler and smarter than all of us freaking combined.”

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One of the agents replied with "What are you talking about? Who?"

Good question, nameless agent!

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"Remember 'Lady'?"

From “Lady and the Tramp”? You’re bringing a dog in as a consultant? Thoughtful, Peter.

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Peter said. "Who's Lady?" Neal asked.

Peter: *stops* …I…I don’t know. I don’t know why I said that. What’s going on here?

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Peter remembered that Neal wasn't around when Lady had to help them with a case. "Lady was a Con-artist, like you Neal. Except she was the best, she left no trace of anything.

“She was soooooo much cooler than you. Cooler than all of us, really. Aren’t we just so lame in comparison, guys?”

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But always Left a Fancy L so we would remember who did it. She was impossible to catch."

A FANCY L? NO FUCKING WAY, BRO

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"Well, how'd you catch her?" Neal questioned.
"Well, actually its funny you should ask that. We didn't, She came to us. Someone had been after her and she ended up in the Hospital.

…Then, she didn’t come to you.

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The Doctors claimed she had amnesia.

“However, they were wrong, and she was faking it.”

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We were going to lock her up in prison, but instead she asked if she could help us and work out hard crimes, that way she didn't have to go to jail and we'd be able to crack open the truth to some hard cases." Peter walked over to the phone and was about to call her.

“And so, we let this criminal go just because she claimed she’d help us once in a while. It makes sense if you…hang on…”

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"Oh, and Neal? Don't call Lady by her first name. Were afraid she might start to remember and turn against us." Peter dialed the number.

She has a first name? I thought Lady was an alias?
Also, I’m pretty sure amnesia doesn’t actually work like that.

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"Then what do I call her?" Neal asked.
"Diamond.

Seriously?

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We called her that because she was just about perfect-

You’re kidding me, here.
Is it even worth pointing out that Peter is about as OOC as Peter could possibly get?

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Well Hello, Diamond. Yes it has been awhile. I was calling you because I need you on a case. Yeah yeah. Well come on up here to New York, if your not to busy! Okay, see you then. Bye." Peter Hung up the phone. "Well, Lady is coming tomorrow, Neal and I will go and pick her up."

Neal: Okay! I…wait, what?
Peter: I DON’T KNOW! I DON’T KNOW! I’M NOT IN CONTROL OF MY ACTIONS!

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It was the next day and Peter and Neal were waiting at the airport. The plane from California was coming in at 9:35 and It was 9:05.

Thank you. I really needed to know this.

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"So why is Lady coming in from California?" Neal asked.

Uh…because she lives there?

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"Well, after the case we had her do, was finished, People from California needed her because they were having some hard cases that were almost impossible to solve."

OMG GO FIGURE
This lady sure leads a busy life.

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Some time had past after that.

Thanks for that, too.

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It was Finally 9:35 and the plane had just landed.

It landed right on schedule because it was carrying a Sue. Planes know better than to fuck around with these things.

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Lady came off the plane and ran to greet Peter. Lady was like a little kid, But also very serious at times.

…Whoa.

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"Peter!" She ran towards him and gave him a great big hug. Peter Hugged her back.

Peter’s giving someone a hug?
Peter’s giving someone a hug.

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She let go and started to talk "Its been so long! How is everything going with Work?

“Oh, you know. Work’s good. So is Play. We’re all fine.”

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How is Elizabeth doing? Is everyone well? What has been happening?"

This is typical!Sue, who’s BFFs with everybody ever.

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She was so excited. Peter laughed and answered "Work is going well, Elizabeth is fine, everyone is well, and nothing but cases.

Um...Peter...your work only involves cases. You work for the FBI.

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Everything is fine, calm down." Peter smiled. Lady glanced over to see Neal by peters side.
"Oh my gosh! I'm sorry! I didn't see you there! I'm Diamond Lockswood."

Neal: …You do realize we’re living in New York in 2010, right?

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She shook his hand. "Are you new to the team?"

Neal: No, actually, I—
Peter: No talking, Neal.

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Peter answered for Neal "Diamond, this is Neal. He's not a cop, He's a con-artist that is helping us out with cases. Almost like you."

“Only less cool.”

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"Oh! Hi Neal." She smiled.
Diamond was beautiful,

Well, duh. That’s a given at this point.

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she had brown hair that she curled, and green wild eyes. Her lips were a rosy pink color and she had a Beige skin tone. Everything about her shined,

She’s a sparkle!pire?

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her hair was a silky shine dark brown, her wild green eyes could almost see into your soul, her lips were a light soft pink, and her skin looked of a beautiful dewy.

Duh…wait, what? Didn’t you just say all this?
Also,

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beautiful dewy

Lol!

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Peter said a while ago that when she was a Criminal, Lady loved to have this dark charming look on her.
The dark charming look, however, was less than pleased.
She would have dark brown silky hair, striking wild green eyes, Red hot lips and tanned skin. She would usually look like a old Hollywood movie star in the 50s.

OH MY FUCKING GOD
THIRD TIME
YOU JUST DESCRIBED THE SAME FUCKING PHYSCIAL ATTRIBUTES OF YOUR SUE FOR THE THIRD TIME.

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After the airport, they went out for lunch and went back to the office.

Nice to hear that.


I'll post the next chapter tomorrow. Hopefully this'll get updated soon, because it keeps making me laugh.

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Interesting start to this story, I hope you decide to contiune as this story has a lot of promise. Hard to believe this is your first fanfiction or is it your first writing for White Collar? Either way good job!

I like to believe the review section is full of trolls because otherwise I would have to face the reality that people actually like this

*splorfle*

Oh wow, that is fantastic.

"Hey canon character, we decided to bring in another person who is exactly like you only better in every way. Also hot with a cool name and a cool nickname."

Well, Neal will always be wittier, since this person cannot write dialog to save their life.

Heh. Neal/Diamond.

talonotw wrote:

Heh. Neal/Diamond.

OTP!

Anyway, here's chapter two. :/

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Hey everyone! Glad you liked the first one! Had a little trouble with it but hopefully its okay now. :D Anyway, the chapter took a little longer than I hoped but I finally got it posted. Hope you like it. Thanks for the comments

People liked this shit? Also, unless you’re a troll, why is your grammar good in your author’s notes but not in the actual writing?

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The day was going great.

*collective cheer*

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Once they were back to the office they had a case just come up.

Another one? Jesus. How many insurance scams/fraudulent politicians/art thefts happen in one day and get reported to White Collar Crimes?

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Before they could get on with the big case for Lady, they had to solve this one. Lady volunteered to help with the small case just for fun of it.

I don’t know what to say to this…I was trying to think of something witty, but my brain just…no.

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They gave her the okay, and headed out toward the crime scene. Peter, Neal and Lady took a taxi Because Peters Car was in the shop.

OKAY, WHATEVER. WHO FUCKING CARES.

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Lady and Neal were getting to know each other in the car. Neal was being a bit of a flirt (Though, Neal has always been a bit of a flirt.),

Creepy when you put it that way, but true.
Neal: Wait, a “bit” of a flirt? I hope they give me more credit than that.

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But Lady just took them as compliments and didn't pay attention to them.

She’s above affection.

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Lady asked questions like: How long have you been working with the police? What are your hobbies? And that type of stuff.

In other words, small-talk? I think…
Hang on. WHO CARES?!

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They talked in the car for quite a bit and then finally got to they're destination. They were on the east side of New York.

This author has never heard of sudden scene change. They must explain exactly how everything happens.

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The building they came too was quite big but so were the ones around them. They got out of the car and while Peter was talking to the Taxi driver, New York brought back a lot of memories for Lady and she was showing Neal a couple of places where she did this and that the last time she was here. Lady loved being in New York. Not everybody was kind but at least she had a few friends here.

You, the über-awesome Mary-Sue, have no friends in California? Where you, you know, live?

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Neal and Lady didn't drift too far from Peter. Neal and Lady were talking and laughing about some interesting things that had happened on cases. Neal asked Lady "When did you and peter mee-" He was cut off when Lady said "Sorry to cut you off but...

He was cut off when she cut him off? Typical.

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Hold on.."
Lady was stopped to look at a building, she suspected that something didn't seem right, something was off. Neal looked over at Lady, He asked her "Is something wrong Diamond?" as soon as he asked that her eyes quickly got really big.

OHMYGOD I JUST REALIZED I’M A SUE WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE

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"GET DOWN!" she yelled. She quickly grabbed Neal and pulled both of them toward the back of a parked Car that was near. At the time, somebody was on top of a large building and was aiming a sniper

Apparently, the sniper is blind, and needs to be aimed at his/her target. Good luck with that, sniper.
No, seriously. Good luck. Please shoot the Sue.

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to shoot them. The only thing that was going through Lady's mind was to make sure everyone was okay.

Of course.

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"Peter!" Lady yelled across from where Neal and Lady were taking protection. "Are you okay?" Neal and Lady couldn't see peter from where they were. Lady was afraid to look over at Peter and maybe see something dreadful.

Like him spontaneously ordering pizza. From Domino’s.
Or…being dead.

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"PETER?" She yelled once more.
Peter yelled back "Everything's fine! I paid the Taxi driver!"
Neal and Lady just laughed.

“Ahaha! We’re being shot at but that’s hilarious!”

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They found a way back to get to the office safely. They weren't able to check out the crime scene because of all the shooting that happened.

Diana: Why are you guys back so soon? I thought you were checking out that mysteriously random crime scene!
Peter: Well, we were, but we got shot at.
Diana: …You do realize you’re in the FBI, right?

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Peter and his crew were talking it over in a private room. Neal and Lady were outside the room talking. Lady and Neal were trying to figure out why it happened.

Well, maybe you would have figured it out if you had, y’know…investigated?

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Lady asked "Why? And who would do this? Even though I can figure this out,

“I have no idea what’s going on, but I’m in control and can figure everything out because I’m awesome.”

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I'm still missing pieces too the puzzle."
"Its so weird! I'm known to easily uncover cases and be so smart

“I mean, I’ve been told I’m too awesome and smartastic! One time I actually got fired because I started doing everyone else’s work!”

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but I feel so dumb. Why is this one so hard to figure out?"

…Because you haven’t done any actual investigative work?

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Lady was so confused.

“I’ve never had to investigate before in my work as a detective!”

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"I'm just going to leave it alone for now and wait till the next part of the puzzle is found. Then it'll be better."

“Meh. It’ll work itself out.”

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Suddenly Peter came out and began to talk to them. "Um, we think that it would be best if you two of you changed your identities.

“Why?”
“Kicks.”

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We think the guy might have been after one or both of you."

Gee, you think? What with the shooting and all?

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Both of them were quite shocked.

Uh…I…okay. Apparently they…didn’t think. So…okay.

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"What..?" Lady said. Peter Explained "Just for now, we don't want anything to happen to you two, so were going to give you two different Identities to play till we catch the person behind this."

THEY’LL NEVER CATCH YOU IF YOU HAVE DIFFERENT NAMES

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"What? Why? Peter you know I can handle this! And I can be careful." Lady replied. "Look! We don't know how bad it can get and we don't want to take that chance on losing one or both of you. So Just play the role for now okay?"
Lady didn't want to say much more, she understood. "By the way, you two are going to have to act like a married couple." Peter mentioned.
"WHAT?" Both of them yelled.

HEY, THAT’S WHAT I WAS THINKING

You think they’ll fall in love, guys? Oh, that would be so stepping outside the box!

Also, why do they have to act like they're married...? Oh, never mind.

There's a third chapter up! I'll try and post it tomorrow.

Lol! How much in love can you be with your own Sue?

Nice spork. Let's have a look at those reviews and see if anyone has anything constructive to say!

The author thinks the reason they have to take a taxi is worth mentioning but glosses over their dramatic escape? Okay, so it probably would have gone something like 'they ran out of the sniper's sight and got away', but since when has the fic omitted those little true-to-life details that really make a story?

I saw the title and thought "oh gawd, somebody's posted Lady Gaga porn."

Well, at least that would have been more entertaining. The spork is good, but the Sue is . . . boring, for lack of a better word. Bad writing, dull perfection, logic disconnect. I'm actually disappointed that there isn't enough egregious awfulness. I think the Internet broke me.

Lady Gaga porn would be much more interesting than this, but maybe not much weirder. And for some reason the reviews are mostly positive with correct grammar. :/

On to chapter three. And...this one's really bizarre, guys.

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Hello again J Hope you like my other chapters. And some didnt like it as much as others but that's ok. Haha! :D
Anyway, Hope you like this chapter. This one is a little bit longer~! I had a fun time with it! Hope you like it too!
"By the way, you two are going to have to act like a married couple." Peter mentioned.
"WHAT?" both Lady and Neal yelled.
"What? Okay, I get the fact of protection but why do we have to act as a married couple? Wont the enemy just find us easier?"

Good question and wait, what?

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Lady didn't like this one bit.

Neither does anybody else.

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"Yes and no. You see, we usually would place you separate but the Enemy

Who is this Enemy of which you speak?

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would already know that we placed you separate because we do that all the time.

“It’s REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. God, you guys are soooooo stupid. This is a totally brilliant idea that makes perfect sense.”

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And also if one is in trouble, we'd automatically have to check on the other one, and we'd take up a lot of time trying to find the other one while the first one is in trouble. So its just a lot easier if you two are together."
"Okay, understood". Lady frowned.

What? How can you understand? That didn’t make any sense at all! Whatever. If it gets Lady killed faster I’m okay with it.

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"Here is the address to you two's first apartment. And you two act more like newly weds. Even though you're Characters records say you've been married for 4 years.

THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE

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Oh! And you two act like a real married couple, because you never know whose watching.

…Isn’t that the point of a fake identity?

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You both can act normal when you get back here, at the office.

Aren’t they both conmen? THEY SHOULD ALREADY KNOW HOW THIS WORKS

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If I call you, just call me Evan. Evan's just another employ at work, okay? You never know whose listening in. Neal your guys career is a cop, that way you can access the office.

Cops don’t generally have access to the bureau.
Also, THIS STILL DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE

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Diamond? Your woman is a model,

Pfft

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well make sure everything's set up for you. And here is the address to your work."
He handed the papers to them."Diamond? Your name will be Teresa Parkman, but your husband calls you Tres for short.

Wow, they don’t even trust them to come up with their own nicknames for each other.

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And Neal? You'll be Clark Parkman.

Lol! “Clark Parkman”? Orly?

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Okay, that's it. If you have anymore questions

Uh…I have some.

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just call from your apartment. Good Luck!" He said and sent them off. Lady and Neal took a taxi and only talked once.

I’m beginning to think this is just a really elaborate and shitty scheme to get the two of them out of the office.

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Neal began to ask "Diamond? I know you really don't want to talk right now, but I've been curious about this ever since you got here."

Why would she not want to talk to you? You’re Neal Caffrey.
Oh. Wait. No you’re not. You’re Clark Parkman.

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"Yes Neal?" Lady turned around and asked. "Don't you have a tracker?" "Yeah, its right here." She showed him her earring. "That's you tracker?" Neal looked at it with confusion. "Yeah, that way it's not so noticeable and I look okay with it on."

Wow. So the anklet wasn’t “fashionable” enough for her? She has to have an earring so that she looks nice? Instead of the GOVERNMENT ISSUED TRACKING ANKLET that is issued to EVERYONE who requires one? The point of the tracking anklet is not to make you look cool, it’s so that the police can track you down. Also, you CAN’T TAKE IT OFF. You can take off an earring.
Not to mention the obvious fact that it would be nearly impossible to put a sophisticated tracking device inside of a small earring. I know I’m looking to apply logic where there is none, but this is just so stupid.
/rant

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Lady smiled. Neal shook his head and look back out the window.

“I don’t know what’s going on here either.”

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They finally got to the apartment; the place was already put out for them. "This is not too bad, I'll start cooking dinner." Lady said as she went to go turn on the cooking channel and warm up the oven. Lady started to cook and Neal set the table.

So the author will give us detailed descriptions of small-talk in a cab, but won’t bother to tell us what Lady is cooking?

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"Thanks Clark." She mentioned. "Why are you-?" Neal was asking until Lady interrupted "So that we won't forget the names..

I’m beginning to think that the author has never actually seen this show. Because if they had, they would know that Neal never forgets his aliases.

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Now go ahead and do whatever you need too, Ive got this." Lady smiled. Neal nodded and began to read a book.
But of course, Neal liked to read with a bit of Opera music on.

Well, of course. Who doesn’t?

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So he changed the channel. Suddenly a loud woman's voice came from the T.V., Lady didn't like opera music very much.

Oh, they have one of those weird radio/TV thingies. I sense conflict!

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Lady turned around "Clark? Could you change it back to the food channel?" Neal was zoned out into his book. "Clark? Clark! ... Neal?... Ugh. Oh well." Lady went up to the T.V. and changed it. "Hey! Why'd you change it?" Neal was looking up at Lady now. "I asked if you could change it back to the food channeled, but you were zoned out into your book."
"Oh, I'm sorry Tres. But why do you need it on the food channel?" Neal asked.
"I know it'll sound crazy but I cook better when the food channel is on."
"But I can't read well when the food channel is on."
"Well, you can wait. Besides, don't you want a good home cooked meal?"
"No."

…Well damn. That made next to no sense but I’m loving it.

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Lady wasn't happy with this. "Look Clark! I just was in the middle of cooking this meal, and I intend too!"

I NEED TO WATCH THE TELEVISION WHILE I COOK SO THAT I CAN BE HUMBLED BY WHAT I KNOW I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO MAKE, GOD DAMMIT

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"Well, I'm sorry but that's just going to have to happen with out the food channel being on." Neal changed the channel.

Pwnt.

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Lady clicked it back.

Do they both have a remote…?

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Then Neal, then Lady, then Neal, then Lady, and then Neal.

OH MY FUCKING GOD STOP IT

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"Fine, you can have it on Opera, if you can change it back!" Lady went behind the T.V., worked with a few plugs, and then she came out and went back to cooking.
Neal went behind the T.V. and tried to work with it, but everything was the same. Nothing looked out of place. "I guess this is why they said she was the best. She doesn't leave a trace." Neal thought. "You could be there all night! But you won't figure it out." Lady said as she was putting the dinner on the table.

…Anybody wanna let me know as to what’s going on? Or is it just Diamond being AWESOME again?

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Finally Neal got tired of it, and he unplugged the back of the T.V. But the T.V. was still on. Neal looked at it and shouted "You have got to be kidding me!" Lady just laughed "I thought you would have figured it out, that I would make sure that you couldn't be able to stop it." Neal came to sit at the dinner table. "Well, it was worth a shot."

WHAT’S HAPPENING I DON’T UNDERSTAAAAAND

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At this point, the war was on! No way was Neal going to take this. He had to do something to get back at her.

Does it involve some sort of gun?

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She already set his plate for him. Tonight they were having corn, mashed potatoes, and broccoli.

Uh…balanced meals are good for you.

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Neal didn't like broccoli, he was a bit of a picky eater.

EAT YOUR DAMN THREE FORMS OF VEGETABLE

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"Uh, Hun?

Being a bit forward, don’t you think? You do remember that you’re not really married, right?

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I don't like broccoli."

Actually, to be fair to her, she wouldn’t know because you’ve barely said anything to each other.

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Neal told her. Lady grabbed the salt and salted it for him. "No, Tres. I didn't say I wanted it salted, I said I don't like broccoli." Neal tried to explain. Lady grabbed the salt and salted it for him again.

“…Are you an idiot? No, seriously.”

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Now it was on! "fine! Well just play that way!"

Play what way? The woman’s crazy.

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Neal thought. Neal grabbed the salt and salted Lady's food. Lady looked up at him, and just said "Mmm, hmm.. Ok fine." Lady stepped on his foot, waited for him to open his mouth in pain, and then put a piece of broccoli in his mouth. To Neal this wasn't very amusing. But instead of fighting, Neal just threw some salt at her; she tried to block it and screamed a giggly playful scream. First it was a fight, and then they were throwing food at each other. Across the way, Lady had made some salad. Lady got a handful of that, and threw it at Neal. "Haha! Hey!" Neal laughed along with Lady.

Aside from the fact that they’re both acting like they’re five, can anyone actually picture Neal doing this?
With anyone?
Ever?

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Neal suddenly cornered Lady, and grabbed a handful of mashed potatoes.

And smothered her with it?

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"Oh no! Neal? Neal! Don't! Aw, come on! Neal? Aah.. snap!" Lady Complained as Neal put a handful of Mashed potatoes all over her face.

FUCK YEAH
KILL THE SUE, NEAL! DO IT WHILE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE!

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Lady tried to wipe it off her face. Suddenly the whole aura of the roomed changed, Right now Neal was so close to her. They're faces were not anymore than 6 inches apart.

Perfect. Called it.

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Neal looked at her face, studied it, and said "Diamond? Have you ever dance before?" Lady looked into his eyes and remembered a bit of her past and answered "A long time ago Neal, a long time ago."

“You haven’t danced in—”
“A loooooong time ago, Neal.”
“But—”
“A looooooong time ago.”

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Neal went over toward the radio, and found a slow song. "May have this dance?" Neal bowed. Lady giggled. "Yes, you may."

…I think you forgot to ask her to dance. You can’t really without putting an “I” in there somewhere.

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Neal took her into his arms, and looked into her eyes. "I don't like to lose. you know?"

I…wasn’t aware that you had.

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Lady looked back in his eyes and took a bit of the mashed potatoes on her face and put it on the tip of his nose.

Is…is that supposed to be sexy? Cos it’s really, really not.

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She just answered "I know Neal, I know." She smiled.

“Actually, I’m not sure you—“

“I know, Neal, I know.”

“Lady, trust me, you—“

“I know, Neal, I know.”

“Okay, could you please stop that?”

At the moment, there's no fourth chapter. But I have hope/dread!

So...can we finally say that Lady is a tramp?

What for?

kleine_kat wrote:

There is NO negative review for this atrocious fic. Not one! They're all loving it!

Well...there was one who said the grammar "could be better" or something. And that's negative enough for me with this fic. XD

Still no chapter four...you disappoint me, stupid writer.

Really? An earring tracker? Lol.

kleine_kat wrote:

There is NO negative review for this atrocious fic. Not one! They're all loving it!

That has been remedied. Though for how long, I dasn't say.

talonotw wrote:

kleine_kat wrote:

There is NO negative review for this atrocious fic. Not one! They're all loving it!

That has been remedied. Though for how long, I dasn't say.

It's still there! Good review, by the way--maybe a little harsh, though, she might just be a regular 13-year-old completely in love with her own Sue. But great work, it really evens things out!

Oh wow, the third chapter just makes this fic. They start fighting over the TV and having a food fight like little kids and then they dance?
Edit: And there is now a fourth chapter! Hooray!

Can we invite this Awesome Name person over here? Seems like s/he'd fit right in.

EileenK98 wrote:

Can we invite this Awesome Name person over here? Seems like s/he'd fit right in.

You can, and I'm sure that I speak for him when I say that not only does he know of the site, he's a semi-contributor.


I appreciate the invite anyway, though.

On another note, I did exchange messages with her when she replied to the first review. I'm pretty sure about the thirteen-year-old part of it, but she did seem accepting of the critique and willing to listen to advice, so who knows.

Huh. Well, at least she's not throwing a tantrum.

I snarked the fourth chapter, but now I don't have time to post it. I'll try and get it up later.

Okay guys, sorry it took me so long to post this (and while we're at it, sorry for the double post).

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Hello Everyone, sorry it took so long, I had quite a bit to do. I know a couple of people had asked me, what does Lady look like? Could you show us a picture for us?

…But you already told us. Three times in the first chapter.

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And so I tried to look for something that would look like her, and I found one, but she has on the blond wig. But yeah, if anyone would like to see it, send a message to my inbox, and Ill show you the picture I have. Thank you for the comments! J Hope you like it!

If anyone with a Pit account wants to do this, be my guest.

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Neal took her into his arms, as they danced. And looked into her eyes. "I don't like to lose you know?"
Lady looked back in his eyes and took a bit of the mashed potatoes on her face and put it on the tip of his nose.
She just answered "I know Neal, I know." She smiled.
Both of they're body's came closer, as they danced.
"Hey Neal?" Lady looked up at him.
"Yes?"
"I've want to tell you something, and I also want to ask you a question."
"What is it?"
"... Neal?"

That’s your question?

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Lady's face became closer to his. She quickly pulled something out of her pocket.
It was her wallet. "Stop stealing my wallet!

“Stop putting it where I can find it.”
(Of course Lady knows that he’s stolen her wallet. Because she’s awesome.)

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How did you know where it was anyway?"
"Eh, I have ways." He smiled.
"Never mess with another con-artist." Lady slipped from his arms. "Stay right there, I'm going to go hide the rest of my valuables." She walked toward the back closet.

Being a con-artist, shouldn’t you have seen this coming and done it already?
Also, if you’re a better con-artist than Neal, how come you didn’t know how he knew where to find your wallet?

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"There's more?" Neal thought to himself.

*Headdesk*

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Suddenly Neal heard a scream, he raced toward the room Lady was in. "Diam-!" Then suddenly he stopped. Lady was still screaming, pointing at a cockroach that had been running across the floor.

*Headdesk*

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Lady saw Neal, and tried to jump up in his arms. Neal caught her.

What is this, Scooby-Doo?

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"KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!" Lady screamed.
Suddenly Neal thought "Well, maybe I'll get the bug and chase after her with it around the house Nah, Ill be nice this time."

So then why tell us about it?

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So Neal killed the bug.

Wow. How courageous.

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"Thanks for being nice this time." Lady mentioned. Lady decided to kiss Neal on the cheek, as a thank you.

But she didn’t.
WHY DON’T YOU JUST SAY SHE KISSED HIM INSTEAD OF SAYING SHE DECIDED TO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

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Neal was of course shocked for a few minutes.

He just kind of…stood there.

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Lady left him in shock and went on to the bedroom. Neal returned back to reality and couldn't quiet remember what happened. I guess that was just the mystery of Lady.

Okay, what does that even...no, seriously, what does that mean?

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When Neal came into the bedroom, Lady looked at the bed really bummed.

She’s “bummed” about sleeping in the same bed with Neal Caffrey? That’s impressive.

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"I won't complain, but Neal if you touch me, in anyway, without my permission, I will shoot you.

You’re a con-artist under FBI surveillance. This threat has no credibility because you aren’t allowed to carry a gun.

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Don't underestimate me." Lady went on to the bathroom. Neal walked toward the bed a saw a note.
The Note on the top of it, read From Peter.
Neal read:
"Dear Lady and Neal, I left you two a new set of clothes in the closet. There is a wig for Diamond on the bed,

…Why?

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as for Neal, a different change of hair styles, Because Neal would look strange with another hair color, and would probably give your identities away.

Peter left Neal a new hairstyle? How thoughtful!

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Anyway, there are new I.D. cards for both of you, right next to the wig. Have fun! -Peter"

Really?

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"Diamond? Peter gave you a wig to wear!" Neal told her from across the room. "Oh, okay thanks!" she shouted back. She walked over to the wig, picked it up, and went over to the mirror to try it out.

In a shorter sentence: “She tried the wig on.”

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Neal watched her as she put on the wig. She put a spray on her natural hair before putting on the wig. "What the- Hey, Diamond?" Neal asked her from across the room. "Yeah?"
"What did you put in your hair just now?" The smell out it was quite thick.

What, are you not familiar with hairspray?

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"Silk spray, it softens my hair. I know it smells quite awful, but just hang in with me, okay?"

MY HAIR MUST LOOK BEAUTIFUL

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Neal had an idea with this silk spray, but Lady would probably figure it out by tomorrow morning. Suddenly Lady came out, "How does the wig look? Does it look alright? I mean, no hairs poking out right?" She asked him.

…”silk spray”?

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"Yeah you look hot! But I couldn't say that to her she would kill me."

Oh yeah. The fic went there.
In other words, just where we all probably knew it was going.

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Neal thought to himself. "Yeah it looks fine, no hairs poking out." Is all he could say.
"Honest?" She questioned. "Honest." Neal replied.
Both of them almost hopped into bed at the same time

Wow, somebody’s eager.

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but suddenly Lady said "This is too weird for me Neal. I'm going to go see whats on the roof." She got up, and walked out.

Duh…I…okay, what?
“THIS IS WEIRD I’M GOING AWAY GAH”

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Neal could tell, a lot was bothering her. So he got on some different pants, a thin white T-shirt, and went up to the roof. Lady was looking out, sitting on the edge of the building. Unfortunately, there were no rails on the edge, which made it even more dangerous then the situation actually was.

PUSH HER! PUSH HER!

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Neal sat right next to her, as she began to look over. She looked back toward the city, once she saw it was Neal.
"okay, what is it?" Neal asked her.
"What is what?" she looked at him kind of confused.
"Whats bothering you?" He looked over at her.
"Oh that. Well, I don't know. Maybe it's work. You know, I've been working 4 years, not one break. Except maybe a little sleep on weekends. Maybe that's it. No... I know that's not it. It's the feeling of not knowing who you really are in those 4 years. Of knowing you have to try things twice to know if you really love it. And one of your oldest, closest friends are asking you questions about your life, and you can't answer them, or even remember them. And having a rough childhood and your younger sister is the only living family you've got. And after you met her again you have to ask her what happened, and relive the part you wished to forget back when you remembered. But I think the worst part is when you wake up for the first time, in a hospital and find wounds, that was something they confirmed you didn't do, but someone else, That could possibly still be after you, still not knowing who it was, and also knowing you were so close to death. I think about it all the time, its like a non-stop drumming in your head. I don't want to start over, but I also don't want to go back to my old self. Because I still like Peter and them, I don't want to turn against them. Especially you Neal. I don't like to admit it but yeah, you too. I don't like living a double life, especially another one I don't know much about." She smiled and looked up toward the sky.

THIS IS NOT HOW AMNESIA WORKS
Especially because I think the author is trying to say that Lady is so awesome that she knows she has amnesia. Also, if you’re a conman under FBI surveillance, they will probably not allow you to see your family. Much.

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She looked beautiful! The lights of New York hit her face just right.

Uh…wow. So that “emotional speech” was just a throwaway for another comment about how hot Lady is?

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Neal watched her smile for a bit, it was hard not to. "It's nice to know more about you, Diamond." He smiled.

How did that teach you anything?

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Anyway He got up and put his hand out for Lady. "Let's go inside, I can't have my wife sitting out here in the cold."

…This is weird in so many ways.

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She laughed a bit, took his hand and as she almost got up, she began to slip. Thank goodness Neal pulled her back with his hand.

DAMN YOU NEAL
Once again, WHY DO YOU NEED TO TELL US THIS?

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Lady came back into his arms like a clinging cat. It was really freaky for her.

It was pretty freaky for all of us.

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Neal picked up Lady bridal style,

It’s actually called a “fireman’s lift”. Because, you know, that’s how firemen carry people out of burning buildings.

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and brought her back to the apartment.

Don’t care.

I hope a chapter five comes out soon...this fic is a surprising amount of fun to snark. :D

Happenstance wrote:

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Neal picked up Lady bridal style,

It’s actually called a “fireman’s lift”. Because, you know, that’s how firemen carry people out of burning buildings.

...No it's not. Unless you typically see women being carried over the threshold like this.

Penguin wrote:

Happenstance wrote:

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Neal picked up Lady bridal style,

It’s actually called a “fireman’s lift”. Because, you know, that’s how firemen carry people out of burning buildings.

...No it's not. Unless you typically see women being carried over the threshold like this.

I dunno. I can see Neal doing a carry like that to Lady. Out the door, of course.

talonotw wrote:

Penguin wrote:

Happenstance wrote:

Quote :

Neal picked up Lady bridal style,

It’s actually called a “fireman’s lift”. Because, you know, that’s how firemen carry people out of burning buildings.

...No it's not. Unless you typically see women being carried over the threshold like this.

I dunno. I can see Neal doing a carry like that to Lady. Out the door, of course.

Huh. My bad. That is more lulzy (and probably more effective).

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Neal had an idea with this silk spray, but Lady would probably figure it out by tomorrow morning. Suddenly Lady came out, "How does the wig look? Does it look alright? I mean, no hairs poking out right?" She asked him.

I wonder what Neal is planning to do with the 'silk spray'...