Enter the Nazis (gets very NWS very fast)

Khajidu wrote:

Dude.

Of course, people of any age would be squicked, but especially people who went through that shit.
My grandparents were in their late teens/early 20s/late 20s.
I met a scientist my grandparents' age who was in a concentration camp, and one of the 'mildest' ones, at that. His experience was horrible enough.
When I was in 9th grade, a former Auschwitz detainee told us about her experience. No comments.

I wouldn't show them those fics. For their sanity, and my health.

A former Auschwitz detainee came to my school to give a talk when I was in tenth grade. I, having heard the (probably condensed and sanitized) tale of her ordeal, am more motivated than I otherwise would be to rip Nazi badfic to shreds with my paltry attempts at humor.

My favorite writer, Primo Levi, was also in Auschwitz, and many of his writings concern his experiences.

Yes, it is upsetting on a deep level that these fics exist. After the camps were liberated, people were shocked that humanity could be capable of such cruelty. When a few WGW members started drawing attention to these Nazi badfics, people were shocked that humanity could be capable of such tastelessness.

EXACTLY MY POINT
Except that I'm not even reading the fics. Kudos for having the courage to go through that garbage to snark it.

Wow, this is just disgusting, not to mention extremely disrespectful to everyone (living and dead) who suffered in the concentration camps. God damn, Nazis are not a fandom, and especially not for writing bad mpreg fics. Isn't there anything fanbrats won't write about?

That's a rhetorical question, right?

grmblfjx wrote:

That's a rhetorical question, right?

Of course

Twilight is a series of paranormal romance books/movies in which a sparkly vampire falls in love with a mortal teenage girl. The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas is a gooey historical tearjerker book/movie about two boys, one German and one Jewish, who - SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER - die in a Nazi gas chamber together. And never the twain shall meet, right?

Wrong.

Yes, our next Nazi badfic is this horrible thing, which I already linked to once in this thread. In it, the two TBitSP boys, Bruno and Schmuel, are saved from death at the last moment by none other than Carlisle Cullen, the surreally moral sparkly vampire doctor-patriarch from the Twilight series. Unlike the horny author of Hate is a Feeling, this girl obviously had good intentions; she wanted to save two fictional Holocaust victims from their story's ultra-sad ending. Confession: I desperately wanted to do the same at the end of Sophie's Choice. However, good intentions and clueless, forced earnestness can lead to epic tastelessness just as much as horniness and ostentatious disrespect can. And crossing Twilight and TBitSP is tasteless, especially if the writer hasn't done her research.

The actual snark begins after I get back from a short vacation, but here's a taste:

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Auschwitz, 1943.

I hate this place, Carlisle thought to himself as he walked through town. Everywhere he looked he saw people being rounded up into tiny carriages with no room for them to breathe. Mothers and fathers, children, old, young. It seemed almost everyone was on those carriages.

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but what about the jews

Sorry for the delay, everyone. I was on vacation in Mordor, and my hotel didn't have free Wi-Fi.

Anyway, there is a Twilight/The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas crossover that needs snarking, and I shall be the one to snark it! I present to thee chapter one:

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Chapter 1, Changing.

Auschwitz, 1943.

I hate this place, Carlisle thought to himself as he walked through town.

You know we're in trouble if there's a historical/geographic inaccuracy in the first goddamn sentence of the story. The author is confusing the actual Auschwitz concentration camp with the nearby town of Oswiecim, Poland (which totally has a website). And believe me, there are so many of these errors in the story that one suspects they are mating with one another in order to breed litters of baby errors that, in their turn, will grow up and raise their own families of errors, ad infinium. It's that bad.

PS: the image of a sparkly vampire pausing in the middle of his stroll through Auschwitz to think, Gee, I think I hate this place is blackly funny, in my opinion. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Everywhere he looked he saw people being rounded up into tiny carriages with no room for them to breathe. Mothers and fathers, children, old, young. It seemed almost everyone was on those carriages.

...aaaannnnnnd we have horse-drawn carriages instead of trains and trucks. Fuck me.

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Concentration camp inmates, thought Carlisle sadly, as he watched them drive away.

We need a "well, DUH" emoticon.

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He just couldn't fathom how anyone could treat other human beings this way. It was awful to think about.

His feet carried him slowly, inch by inch, throughout the desolate town. Screams were heard everywhere that he went.

Nobody deserves this, thought Carlisle. He felt like crying, watching everyone look so lost, so sad.

1. By now you, knowing that the Nazis generally didn't let civilians amble in and out of concentration camps as if they were convenience stores, may be wondering what the hell Carlisle is doing wandering around in Auschwitz. You will have to continue to wonder, because you sure aren't going to get any answers out of the author.

2. If people are everywhere, the "town" isn't desolate. It may be horrible and depressing, but it's not desolate.

3. AWWWWW LOOK AT DA WIDDLE JEWISH/POLISH/ROMA/GAY/ETC. WOOBIES! FEELING BAD ABOUT THIS MAKES ME SUCH A GOOD PERSON!

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Bodies, littered the ground. Men, women, children. All wearing the striped concentration camp uniforms. Victims of the gas chambers.

Okay, so there's this historical innacuracy that I keep seeing in these Nazi fics. Even though it is an honest mistake inspired by certain horrific photographs, it is annoying in its ubiquitousness. Achtung people: most of the time, concentration camps were not littered with random corpses; the Nazis, in true Nazi fashion, had efficient disposal procedures for the bodies of people they had slaughtered. It was only at the very end of the war, when the Third Reich's infrastructure started to break down, that the corpses started piling up. In 1943 Auschwitz would have been relatively tidy.

Also, people who had just been gassed would have been naked.

Bloody hell, this entire snark is turning into me just pointing out historical innacuracies. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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little boys of about eight or nine years old, lay side by side, hands clasped. Carlisle knelt beside them. It was amazing, but one of them had a full head of black hair.

Random description of hair color is random.

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He touched them gently.

Their hearts were still beating. It was a little thump, but it was there.

Now before you freak out about this one, know that there was once a little girl who survived a Nazi gas chamber by hiding in an air pocket between other people's bodies. It is possible, though extremely unlikely, that Bruno and Schmuel could still have a pulse at this point. What happens next, though, is truly impossible:

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'How...' Carlisle whispered. He'd never seen anything like it. He couldn't just leave them there. But would he really condemn two innocents to his life?

I'll take them home, he thought as he picked both of the boys up.

Everyone was shocked when they saw what Carlisle had brought home.

NOW WAIT JUST A COTTON PICKIN' MINUTE! Did Carlisle just take two prisoners out of Auschwitz and into his house in a nearby town on the spur of the moment without being intercepted?! And did the writer not bother to write a single sentence describing this ABSOLUTELY DEATH-DEFYING MISSION?! Fuck me again.

By the way, Carlisle picking two people to save out of literally millions is, in fact, canon. Stupid Twilight.

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'Are they...' Alice began.

'Yes, they're still alive, but barely just.'

He looked about the room.

'Immortal children?' Edward asked.

'No, they look about eight. The age of an immortal child is up to six.'

Author: I was in canon a minute ago? Fuck that! A boy turned into a vampire at eight is not an immortal child because I say so!

Anyway, Carlisle takes a vote on whether the boys are to die or live as vampires. His family decides on the latter:

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'I'm sorry, little ones,' Carlisle whispered as he sank his teeth into both their necks.

He stood up. Everyone was crowded around him, anxious.

'Now what happens?' Esme asked. She reached out and took his hand. Slowly, Carlisle stepped back from the sofa. He watched the two boys, both lying so still. He wondered whether he had done the right thing.

'Now we wait...'

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. Cliche.

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A/N How was it? I know it was bad...

So do we.

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but it's only my second story. Five points and a cookie if you can guess who were the little boys Carlisle just changed. They're from a different book with a dvd that has just come out. And their names begin with B and S. It's not Emmett and Jasper they are allready Cullens. Please review and let me know what you thought of it. If you think that I need improvement let me know that too, just please review.

That's what we all want after reading a bad Holocaust story: five points and a cookie.

Note: as you'll see later, the author flips her shit when people actually review her story and suggest improvements.

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Xox, huggles forever,
Alessa

The end of chapter one. Alas, there is a chapter two.

My high school history teacher would be beating the author over the head with their pointer right now. Where do they get the idea that concentration camps were located in the middle of cities where everyone could see them? Most of them were located in the goddamn middle of nowhere (the better for plausable deniability at the War Crimes Trial, my dear). Auschwitz and Bergen-Belsen were NOT located in downtown Munic! They were located in the middle of the countryside, and could generally only be reached by rail lines.

I just think it's really odd to write fanfiction about something so terrible. Even though I know the authors don't mean it like this, the fact that it is fanfiction implies that they are a fan of it. I get that they are trying to educate or get a story out but there are better ways then this.

Anyway, here's chapter two. It begins with one of Alessa's super-peppy bubblegum author's notes:

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Chapter 2, Awakening.

Only two reviews, aw! Anyway, here we find out who the new Cullens are and which one of you lucky fanfictioners won yourself five points.

Vapid cheerleader: Oh boy oh boy I just can't wait to find out who won the five points!
Second vapid cheerleader: And who the new Cullens are!
Both: OH BOY!
Slightly less vapid cheerleader: Hold it, girls, wasn't this fic about, like, the Holocaust?
First vapid cheerleader: Oh yeah.
Second vapid cheerleader: Huh.
*first and second vapid cheerleaders glance at their shoes in shame*

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On with the show!

No, on with the Shoah! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Amirite? Amirite?

*isshot*

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For days Carlisle and his family waited for the transformation to be completed, and for the boys to wake up. As he looked at them both, lying motionless on that sofa, hands clasped, no sound emitting from their mouths, Carlisle wondered whether he had been too late.

Wow, the changes in tone between the author's notes and the fic itself are giving me terrible whiplash. Ow, my neck. *rubs neck*

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He had never heard anyone, bar himself, stay silent through their burning.

Captain: Houston, we have a problem. There appear to be two...speshul snowlflakes approaching the Snark Fleet Command spacecraft at 6:00.
Houston: Keep careful watch and be ready to fire at any moment.

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They must be in agony, he thought to himself. He held their hands and told them he was sorry. He told them what he was and what they were becoming.

Carlisle, you dumbass, they can't hear you. They're in canonical vampire pain comas.

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Time seemed to creep by ever so slowly, like a snail. Still no sound. Eventually, on the third day, the boys showed signs of life, by letting out a low wail.

'Eeeeeeeeee...' they wheezed simultaneously.

"Eeeeeeeeee" is a funny sound no matter what the context. Especially if two people are wheezing it simultaneously. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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It was another three days until awakening.

The black-haired one woke first, sat up groggily and looked around him in awe. His eyes could barely take in the sheer quality of what he was seeing, and the beautiful angel like people looking at him.

'What...' he muttered. Carlisle put up a hand to stop him. 'Shh, let's wait for your friend.'

It took another fifteen minutes for the second boy to awaken. He reacted in much the same way as his friend, except when he saw the vampires, he recoiled against the sofa in fright.

So his reaction was the same as his black-haired friend's, only completely different. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Esme's heart lurched as she walked towards him and knelt down.

'Shh, it's okay, no, I'm not going to hurt you, you're alright,' she said soothingly and the boy turned his wide, frightened eyes to hers.

'Could someone please tell us what's going on?' the raven haired one asked.

Esme: Tough luck, kid. The author doesn't seem to know any more than you do.

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Carlisle knelt down in front of them.

'Did you... hear anything for those six days? Anything I told you?'

'We heard you say vampire. Is it true then? Is that what we are?'

'Yes.'

'Vampires,' the second boy spoke now. The word felt funny on his tounge. 'Like with blood and stakes and garlic and stuff?'

'Stakes and garlic, no. Blood, yes, however, my family survives on animal blood, not human blood.'

Both boys turned to look at each other.

'Would you like to stay with us?' Carlisle asked.

'Okay, thank you...' the boys shared a confused glance.

'Oh, I'm so sorry!' Carlisle apologised immediately. 'How rude, I should have introduced myself. I'm Carlisle Cullen, this is my wife Esme, my sons
Edward, Jasper and Emmett and my daughters Alice and Rosalie. And you are?'

'Bruno.' said the dark haired one.

'I'm Shmuel,' said the other one. 'Nice to meet...' he got no further as his hand flew to his throat, clutching it like he was on fire.

And thus were Twilight and The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas officially introduced to one another. It was a great moment for humanity.

The chapter ends with Schmuel realizing that he's thirsty for blood. Then, of course, comes the author's note:

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Ding ding ding. And the winner is Haleyhoo! Well done, you get five points. One hundred points gets you a story of your choice within the Twilight era.

Wow, what a...great prize. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Nex chapter, the boys go hunting.

Shattering Limits: you think it can't get worse, and then it does.

Woe unto us all, for we have 26 chapters to go. Some of them are just short missives directed at "flamers," but still.

Chapter three, in which Shmuel "goes a bit psycho on us:"

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Chapter 3, First Hunt.

As an authors note, Shmuel goes a bit psycho on us while hunting, but the reason why will be explained later.

It was decided then, soon after, that the whole family would go on a hunt. There was a wood near the house with plentiful supply of animals that would easily mute the boys thirst.

Aren't they still, like, right next to Auschwitz (or else in Auschwitz, "the town")? Wouldn't it be unwise to set two out-of-control newborn vampires, one of whom is Jewish, loose in those closely guarded woods? God, this fic is dumb.

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Carlisle and Esme led the two new vampires upstairs. 'We'll have to leave through the window, of course.'

So many lives could have been saved had people known that the best way to avoid Nazis was to simply leave through the window!

So in a scene lifted directly from Breaking Dawn, the family jumps out the window. Bruno is the last to take the plunge:

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Everyone else jumped out the window. Having seen that Shmuel had not died and was in fact, standing, looking rather shaken, Bruno decided what the hell and followed everybody else out the window.

1. Eight-or-nine-year-olds do not decide "what the hell."

2. Newborn vampires do not have a lackadaisical attitude toward hunting.

3. This scene is completely pointless.

Fast-foreward to the hunt itself:

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All of a sudden, across the clearing, a beautiful deer appeared. It had perfect antlers and slim body. It was brown.

Wow, a brown deer. You don't see that every day. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Perfect food. (okay guys, Shmuel goes really crazy right now) Shmuel wrenched his hand from Esme's grasp and leapt, with excellent accuracy for a newborn vampire, across the lake. He lunged at the deer and knocked it to the ground. Esme could see nothing but a tangle of legs and hooves as the newest Cullen and the deer battled it out. Finally, Shmuel sank his teeth into the deer's neck and ripped out a big chunk of skin. Esme could hear the gulping sounds as he drank. When finished, Shmuel turned to Esme and wiped his mouth, even though it was clean.

'More,' he growled.

Okay, guys, this is Shmuel:

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WHAT HATH THE MEYERVERSE WROUGHT?! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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After the end of the hour everyone went back to the house. As it turned out, Bruno had only eaten one puma, while it had taken three deers to satisfy Shmuel.

Wow, how unlikely that they would have different levels of thirst. That's almost as unlikely as their FINDING A GODDAMN PUMA IN EUROPE.[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Looking at his new sons, Carlisle wondered what kind of powers they would have, if they had any.

Only time would tell.

Oh, everyone knows they're going to have powers. It's a freakin' fanfic! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Yay, chappie three. Each of the first twenty reviews gets five points. You can only review ONCE!
Please please review.

"Chappie?" Great, now I'm even more nauseated than I was when Shmuel killed that deer.

Please comment on my snark. Please please comment on my snark. Each of the first twenty commenters gets five points! One hundred points gets you the H.P. Lovecraft fanfiction of your choice! Please comment on my snark! Please please PLEEEEEEAAAAASSEE! For the love of God just comment on my snark!!!! You can only comment ONCE, though.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Auschwitz and Bergen-Belsen were NOT located in downtown Munic! They were located in the middle of the countryside, and could generally only be reached by rail lines.

Actually 500 and 400 miles away from downtown Munich. That only counts as suburbs in Kinshasa.

Oh my god. Why was any of this awful stuff written?! *cowers in corner*

I'm chained in Cthulhu's basement...and he is demanding MOAR FANFIC!

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New Powers

Authors note:- I feel so bad that this story has only gotten 6 reviews. Do people not like it? Close to 300 of you. people are holding out on me here. Anyway, points to the people who reviewed. Sorry if it's a disappointment.

Alessa's author's notes - first funny, then annoying, and finally pathetic.

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It was a sunny day, about 6 days after the hunt. This spelt boredom for the Cullen's since naturally they couldn't go out in the sun without getting all sparkly. So, everyone was sitting in the front room. Bored.

Carlisle: Damn it, these Holocaust victims I brought home and turned into vampires are not entertaining at all.
Edward: Never mind them, Carlisle. We have a lot of things to discuss anyway. For instance, the fact that you walked around Auschwitz in broad daylight a few days ago, but have now confined us to the house on account of our sparkliness...it's confusing me.
Carlisle: Oh, shut up, Edward. *throws pencil at Bruno and Shmuel* Dance, newborn vampire Holocaust victims, dance for my amusement!

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Carlisle had lots of paperwork on his lap and was sifting through it. One thing he didn't mind about sunny days like this was that it made it so that he could get lots of work done.

This makes me wonder what Carlisle does for a living in this story; everything would make a lot more sense if he were a Nazi functionary playing Schindler. Unfortunately, the author's Carlisle is probably too speshul and morally immaculate for such a plausible explanation.

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Emmett was daydreaming about catching a huge bear for tea.

Esme was knitting. It helped, she said, to have something to do.

Rosalie was painting her toenails in bright pink.

Edward was trying to compose some music in his head.

And Alice?

She was busy plotting her next shopping trip... Because, well, we all know how much Alice likes shopping.

Hey, we just caught a rare glimpse of the info-dump's nefarious cousin, the characterization-dump. Did anyone get a picture?

Did anyone want a picture?

No?

Okay then. Moving on...

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Suddenly, Alice started rubbing her head, as if she had a big pain in it. Her eyes were closed, head bowed.

Alice: I just accidentally pictured white leggings with a pleather skirt. Ohhhh, the pain.

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'What is it, Alice?' asked Jasper. 'Are you having a vision?'

'No, actually, it's wierd, but... I think...'

'You think what?'

'I want to go exploring!' Alice exclaimed loudly.

Time for a family trip to Auschwitz, everybody! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Everything was silent. Everyone stared at Alice like she was mad.

Because she is! Taking two young, sparkly vampires on a pointless outing in Nazi-occupied forests is STUPID.

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'Bruno, you like exploring, don't you?' Carlisle asked.

'Mmmhmm.'

'Hmm.' Carlisle thought for a while. 'Can you try that with me, please?'

Soon, Carlisle found himself wanting to explore.

'Thank you, Bruno. You can stop now.'

'Right.'

Carlisle thought some more. 'Nensha!' he finally said. 'Thoughtography. That's your power. You can make your thoughts someone elses.'

Carlisle: Would you rather be referred to as a vampire with "Nensha powers" or a vampire with "Thoughtography powers"?
Bruno: Those both sound equally stupid.
Carlisle: Sorry, I'm not the one writing the fanfic.

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'Isn't this wonderful!' exclaimed Esme. She went over and gave Bruno a hug. 'Now you both have powers!'

'Yeah, but, he's got a cool power and I can only... you know, not let people into my head.' said Shmuel irritably, glaring at Bruno.

Apparently, at some earlier point, Shmuel did something to reveal the fact that he was a shield. The writer thought it more imperative to report on Rosalie painting her toenails. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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'Let's not fight about it,' said Esme. 'It's a good thing. Nobody needs to feel bad. You're both my special little boys.' She smiled over at Shmuel.

'Ever the peacekeeper.' Shmuel muttered under his breath. He was still feeling pretty upset that Bruno had gotten a special power. However, the annoyance was starting to fade, just a little.

Esme: Shmuel, you were saved from certain death about a week ago. You were turned into a vampire through an excruciatingly painful process. Your real parents are dead and you're living with strangers. Why are you acting like the average brat?
Shmuel: Because the author of this fic has no grasp on child psychology?
Esme: Touche.

Okay so blah blah blah Bruno and Shmuel reconcile and it's all cute. Then Carlisle and Esme get a chance to talk.

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The two boys got up and ran out of the room. As soon as they were out of earshot, Carlisle turned to Esme.
'I've never heard of anyone with nensha before. The Volturi will be very interested if they hear about it.'

1. Holy speshul snowflake, batman!

2. Nensha. Nensha. NENSHA. Hmm, still stupid-sounding.

3. The Volturi? Hah! I'd worry about the motherfucking Nazi doctors. You know how they dealt with anomalous medical conditions. Just imagine what would happen to those two beautiful, sparkly, cold-skinned, psychic, ungassable kids if they were recaptured.[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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'We'll really need to monitor him.' said Carlisle. 'We don't know whether his gift works on humans and we certainly don't want exploring-obsessed humans.'

Esme nodded.

At that precise moment, the sun went down. Smiles lit up everyone's face.

Carlisle could hear his two sons laughing as they slid down the bannisters and jumped off at the end.

He turned to the faces of his family.

'What are you thinking, Carlisle?'

'I think... we're going to be alright.'

Carlisle (singing): Even though we ain't got money...and both the Nazis and the Volturi might be pursuing us...I'm so in love with you honey...
Esme (singing): And everything will bring a chain of lo-o-ove...
Jasper (singing): And in the mornin' when I rise...
Alice (singing): You bring a tear of joy to my eyes...
Carlisle (singing): And tell me everything is gonna be alright...

Shmuel (whispering): Hey Bruno, isn't the Holocaust still going on?
Bruno: With the way these nuts are acting, how should I know?

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But would they?

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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A/N So, how was it? Good, bad, indifferent? Please review.

Okay, how many votes for "bad"?

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Little Dorrit wrote:

But would they?


DUN DUN DUNNNNNN

A/N So, how was it? Good, bad, indifferent? Please review.

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Okay, how many votes for "bad"?

I vote for bad. I'd like to be indifferent, but the damn story's a train-wreck of epic proportions. You don't want to look, yet you find yourself rubber-necking to see all the gory details.

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Suddenly, Alice started rubbing her head, as if she had a big pain in it. Her eyes were closed, head bowed.

'What is it, Alice?' asked Jasper. 'Are you having a vision?'

'No, actually, it's wierd, but... I think...'

"Yes, Alice. We know how much thinking hurts you." Trust me, thinking about this fic is making my head hurt too... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

And I thought I couldn't get any more disgusted with humanity.


Especially the Heydrich/Himmler one.

Why would someone even write a fic like this? Granted, the Himmler/Heydrich one was a lot more terrible, but this one just doesn't make sense. There are too many plot holes.

And where would Rosalie get pink nail polish in Holocaust Germany? I doubt whatever town they're staying at has such a thing. Maybe I'm just used to associating the Holocaust with greys and blacks after seeing Schindler's List, besides that girl's red coat.

Nihilist wrote:

Interesting to note that it seems exclusive only for Nazis, though,

I vaguely recall having seen some porn related to Unit 731. It was well-researched and sadistically fetishizing actual war atrocities rather than romanticizing them or misremembering them... don't know if that makes it better or worse than this mpreg and sparkly vampires shit.

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Okay, everyone, I've been having some trouble with chapter five, mostly because it is almost unsnarkably bad. Its combined offensiveness and hilarity are so obvious to the common reader that I'm not sure what I can add. To be frank, I am also genuinely afraid to venture into this heart of badfic darkness.

But is not bravery the act of doing something in spite of fear? I shall now attempt to slay the fire-breathing badfic dragon that is chapter five of Shattering Limits! On, on!

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Chapter five: Sorting Out School.

It is worth mentioning that Polish schooling was almost nonexistent in 1943. Most schools closed because of the war, and those that remained open taught pure Nazi propaganda to students who had been carefully screened for "racial inferiority" before admittance. The entire Cullen family would be committing suicide if they tried to get Shmuel, a Jewish boy vampire, into one of the few available schools.

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Author's note:- I'm on a roll here. I just love writing this story. This chapter is for all you people who were so kind to review and those of you who added me to your favourites/alerts. I'm eternally grateful. I hope you enjoy this next chapter.

People favorited her. The apocalypse slowly but surely approaches. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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This is going to deal with a bit of Shmuel's past and therefore will touch on the Holocaust.

Raul Hilberg: Girl, if you are going to put a Holocaust Warning (TM) on your story, why not put it at the very beginning?
William L. Shirer: "Shmuel's past"?? Isn't this stuff still going on?
Lucy Dawidowicz: "Touch on"?? This whole story is about the Holocaust!
Hannah Arendt: Fuck this shit.

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The black car reversed into the carpark. Carlisle, Bruno and Shmuel got out of the car. The school was clearly an old building. It had peeling yellow paint with the words Auschwitz Elementary school written on it.

YOU FAIL HISTORY FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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'Please don't make us go in there!' Shmuel begged.

'You'll be fine.' said Carlisle. He gave each of his sons a hug in turn.

Shmuel: Papa Carlisle, please don't make me go in there! That place is too historically innacurate to exist!
Carlisle: It's fine, Shmuel.
Shmuel: It has to be a trap! A gas chamber or something!
Carlisle (sternly): Calm down, Shmuel. Auschwitz Elementary is very competitive, and you can't afford to lose your focus.
Shmuel: But Papa Carlisle!
Carlisle: GET OUT OF THE CAR.

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'Okay, Mr Cullen,' said the Secretary, Mrs Anders. 'Why don't you come in and you just need to sign a few forms.'
The three vampires were led to the Principal's office, where they met the principal Miss Hartney.

Author: I must name everyone my characters meet! I must also touch the light switch five times before leaving my room!

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Carlisle signed some forms.

Every once in awhile, an author pens a sentence so boring that it turns around on itself and becomes exciting. When I read this one, I pictured a pirate army and a ninja army engaged in a fight to the death on top of 30 Rockefeller Center.

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Mr Martin was a big beefy man, with a beard. He had red skin and looked like he'd just had a bad sunburn.

I'M A LUMBERJACK AND I'M OKAY
I SLEEP ALL NIGHT AND I TEACH ALL DAY

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'Names,' he barked.

'Bruno and Shmuel Cullen.'

This exchange is meant to remind the reader that they are reading a Twilight/The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas crossover. Just let that sink in again: you're reading a Twilight/The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas crossover.

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'Sit down next to Markus.'

The boys collapsed into the chairs beside the boy who raised his hand to indicate he was Markus.

Collapsed? Did they just run a marathon or something?

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'Hi there.'

'Hello.'

'Hi.'

'I'm Markus. You came on a really good day.'

'We did?' Bruno asked politely.

'Yeah, 'cause they're bringing in a really nice soldier to talk to us about the war.'

'Soldiers? War?' Shmuel murmured. 'Oh no...'

A tall soldier in a brown uniform walked in. He had curly brown hair.

'Children, this is Lieutenant Walkers,' ( Authors note:- MMM!) said Mr Martin.

After all this, the author is making yummy noises over Nazi soldiers (who apparently have dark, curly hair...?). Fanbrats sure are strange.

Anyway, the appearance of the soldier gives Shmuel flashbacks to his concentration camp experiences. These are actually handled comparatively well by the author; she only makes three mistakes - labeling the flashbacks with "Shmuel's first memory" and "Shmuel's second memory" as if the reader is stupid, including historically innacurate details (those fucking carriages again), and writing the scene in the context of a godforsaken Twilight/The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas crossover.

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Shmuel's first memory

Soldiers were dragging him and his mama, papa and Josef out of their home and up into this tiny carriage where there was no room to think, let alone move around. He kept getting hit and pushed by the other people on the carriage. Then they got to this terrible field and were shoved into one room. And Mama was taken away from him, pushed with all the other women into a different room where their screams were silenced within minutes.

Shmuel's second memory
Shmuel was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe. He looked back at Bruno, who was passed out on the floor, along with countless other people. Shmuel started crying then, because he knew he was about to die and if he didn't, it wouldn't matter to him anymore, since Bruno was most likely dead. He slumped to the floor. He finally gave in to the blackness and his eyes rolled back into his head, finally shutting.

See, I give credit where credit is due. Those are two decently-written, psychologically realistic flashbacks.

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Esme cradled Shmuel in her lap and waited for him to stop dry-sobbing.

And then Esme appears out of freaking nowhere. Just our luck.

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'It was a human memory. I was in this... place and and mama was taken away from me and then there were lots of soldiers and then, that stopped and I saw something... else...'

'Go on, poppet,' said Esme.

Poppet. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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'It must have something to do with the fact that they were both in concentration camps for their human lives.' said Carlisle.

DAMN RIGHT IT DOES. And you took them to a place called Auschwitz Elementary School, you idiot.

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'Not both of us.' Bruno whispered.

'Sorry?'

'I wasn't in one of them camps but Shmuel was and we made friends and I was helpin' him find his dad. That's probably why I didn't freak out in class today.'

'Esme,' said Carlisle. 'We have to homeschool them for a while until the war is over.'

'Yes, love, I agree.'

How long would that last?

She ended a chapter with a question for the second time in a row. Booyah!

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Please press that pretty green button and review!

Only if it shuts you up. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

My good god... am so fucking offended by this. I had family die in Auschwitz. This makes me sad.

Welp. They've begun fanficcing about genocide. Humanity can officially sink no lower.

Poppet? Is Esme of British origin? And even if she was, why would she be using an obviously English term of endearment towards a child in Nazi Germany?

I ask these questions to distract myself from the horror that is this story.