Enter the Nazis (gets very NWS very fast)

A person prone to understatement might say that the Nazis are trending in badfic land. A person prone to overstatement might say that they've become as much a staple of badfic as bizarre names and mpreg. Despite disagreements that might arise as to the severity of the problem, anyone who takes a look around WGW can see that the National Socialist German Workers' Party's evil, squicky influence extends far beyond the history books. Nazis are everywhere in badfic, and humanity has to suffer the consequences.

In this thread, I will be snarking several especially heinous Nazi fics that I've found around the internets (mostly DeviantArt). Why one thread? Because I didn't want to annoy people with multiple threads with the same theme. The fics are mostly my own finds, but I will take requests if someone finds others that they want me to snark.

Warning: what comes next is not good for the brain or soul. High-ranking Nazi party officials will get pregnant with assbabies. Sparkly vampires will save people from the gas chamber. The dead will be disrespected, and mankind will be embarrassed all over again. The WGW server will break down because of overuse of the [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] emoticon. It's not going to be pretty.

So, since everyone is ready and fully forewarned...ENTER THE NAZIS!

Heil Badfic!

Our first entry is a dA fic from the bizarre Hitlerslash fandom, which is dedicated to the slashing of various well-known members of the Nazi party, usually with each other but occasionally with other figures of WWII such as Stalin and Hirohito. Himmler/Heydrich and Hitler/Goebbels are by far the most popular pairings (yes, the Hitlerslash fandom is big enough to have popular and unpopular pairings. Woe unto us all). Our focus today is on the absurdly titled Hate is a Feeling, in which Reinhard Heydrich gets Heinrich Himmler pregnant.

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Sitting at his desk, the Obbergruppenfuhrer grumbled under his breath at the numerous reports his boss had given him to fill out.

Note the early symptoms of Burly Detective Syndrome. By the end of the fic, we won't know who's who. PS: "the Obbergruppenfuhrer" is Heydrich, one of the Final Solution's most enthusiastic architects and the romantic lead of this story.

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It was a punishment for something he had or hadn't done, but in between the various dates and names on the papers he couldn't seem to figure out what exactly was wrong this time. It seemed like everyday he had messed up in someway. He might have not been the most qualified for his position, but he knew there wasn't much he could screw up in so little time as twenty four hours.

Heydrich: La la la la la I'm somehow going to find out from the dates on these papers what I did to outrage my pregnant male lover even though that doesn't make sense la la la la la la oh look another order for Zyklon-B gas better fill that la la la la la la la

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"It's like he has ESP and I'm being punished for things I'll do in the future..." The blonde thought as the papers were slammed onto his desk, "If that were the case, I could never do anything ever again without him knowing."

Jews of Europe: OH FUCK PSYCHIC NAZIS!
Heydrich: Calm down, scardey-subhumans, the narrator was exaggerating.
Jews of Europe: OH FUCK REGULAR NAZIS!
Heydrich (mumbling): "Oh fuck, random, awkward use of the passive voice" would be more like it.

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The Reichfuhrer was usually moody, but it had gotten to the extreme over the last few months.

Himmler's eggo is preggo? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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He knew it couldn't be helped, it was somewhat his own fault. He couldn't help if he had good aim afterall. Some sort of god given gift bestowed upon him along with his 'devilishly' good looks.

Yep, Himmler's eggo is preggo. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

You've gotta have pretty damn good aim to impregnate a man, all right. Way to go, Heydrich!

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Heydrich wasn't vain, but he knew he was something to look at. Maybe that's why the Bavarian kept him around; as eye candy.

And not to, you know, RUN THE FUCKING HOLOCAUST?

Quote :

Bringing the cancer stick back to his lips, he noticed someone walking rather hurriedly towards him, leading him to debate whether the person from afar was important enough to put his freshly lit cigarette out. When he saw the short, black coated man, he smirked, continuing to drag off his addiction as if he hadn't noticed the man. "Hallo Herr Himmler~" he looked over the slightly out of breath gentleman, "What is your rush?"

Yes, your Himmler/Heydrich mpreg fic is the perfect place to lay out your arguments against smoking.

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I do believe you are to address me as your superior, Obbergruppenfuhrer." Himmler spoke in a rather annoyed tone at the arrogancy of his other half.

"Arrogancy" is my new favorite non-word.

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He gave Heydrich few privilages, most of which really had to be earned, "I will not tolerate such mistakes."

Himmler: If I get reports that the mobile killing squads have exterminated X many Jews this week, you get to lick my balls.
Heydrich: Oh boy!

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Blinking, the blonde narrowed his gaze to the brunette before blowing smoke through his nostrils, "My apologizes. Shall I salute you too?" His joking would probably get him in more trouble. Right away Heydrich could tell that the man's temper was cut short today, as it had been most days. Reluctantly, his arm jut out in a salute, followed by a heil Hitler, and a more respectful and proper greeting warrant of the Reichfuhrer-SS. "Is that better, your majesty?"

Recall that these are middle-aged men, not snotty fourteen-year-old boys.

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"Of course I haven't. You give me to much. Tell me something, Heini--" Heydrich's use of the pet name shortened the fuse and caused a glare to cross the pudgy man's face.

Heini. Heini. HEINI.

HE CALLS HIM HEINI. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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"Er... Herr Himmler, have I done something wrong? If you don't mind me saying, it feels like you're out to get me. Death by paper work."

LOLOL if Heini were actually out to get you you would be dead by now!

*snicker* Heini.

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He laughed at his small joke, sounding like the bray of a donkey or some other type of 'ass'. From the way Himmler stared at the blonde, it had to be of the 'jack' or 'dumb' ass variety.

Painful attempt at humor is painful.

...Anyway, Heini *snicker* and Heydrich continue snapping at one another for awhile. Then things come to a head:

Quote :

"Don't tell me what I already know. Why do you think I came down here when I could be home resting?"

Heydrich thought about this for a few moments, "Because you're a lonely man who hates his wife and turns to becoming a workaholic in order to escape the mundane and mind numbing boredom and hatred that fills your house everytime you step inside, despite illness or injury?" Leaving the cig hanging from his lips, it was the blonde's turn to fold his arms, "And instead of resting, you would rather come down here and nag the hell out of me like some uber annoying housewife and bury me in paper like some low life desk jocky. But then at the end of the day and after your name calling and demeaning ways you expect me to take you to bed, or take you in someplace less fitting a man of your stature."

Himmler, of course, cannot take the buuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrnnnn:

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Before he knew it, the sound of an open palm against a cheek echoed for a moment through the area.

(belting) THHHHHEEE HILLLLLLLLLS ARE ALLLLLLIIIIIIIVVEEEE WITH THE SOUND OF NAAAAZZZZIIIIII BIIIITCH SLAAAAAAPPIIIIIINNNNNNGG...

...ANNND MOOOOOOOOORRRREE OF THIS SNAAAAARRRRK IS COMING SOOOOOOON...

DO. NOT. WANT.

EVEN MY AVATAR DOES NOT WANT. IT'S THAT BAD.

The further we move along, and the fewer and fewer actual Holocaust survivors who are still with us, the more stories like this are going to pop up. It's just too far away for the kids to get a handle on, sadly. It's not real to them, so they make up whatever shit they want about the most evil people who ever lived.

The drama confinues...

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Angry was not a word that could be used to describe Himmler's infuriation with the 'perfect' man before him.

Himmler as Jan Brady from The Brady Bunch: Everybody always thinks Heydrich is soooo perfect. Heydrich Heydrich Heydrich!

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"...you...you struck me..." Heydrich's words came out slow as he recovered from the blow, bringing his spidery fingers to gingerly feel the red spot.

"That I did. And you can take your logic and shove it up your ass! If you can even fit it in there since your head is taking up so much space!!" Himmler pushed past his subordinate with a huff, bumping shoulders as he passed and crushing the forgotten cig, leaving it to smolder pathetically on the ground.

Are all pregnant men this cranky?

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"Little bitch." Heydrich cursed, putting his hand down he marched after his boss in an attempt at some sort of 'reconcilliation'.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] I might sig this.

And I must say it again: they're middle-aged men.

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He knew the first place to check would be the man's office, "Herr Reichfuhrer!~" he almost sang, not letting on how angry he was to the staff around him, "Herr Reichfuhrer I must have a word with you." He tried the handle but found the door locked, further enraging the bull.

Question: how did Himmler lose Heydrich if the latter man was following right behind the former?

Another question: how did an angry bull get into Himmler's office? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Yet another question: why on earth did the author think that Himmler-Heydrich mpreg was okay?

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"Please open the door, sir." Or I'll break the goddamn thing down. He thought, trying the handle again.

With a click the door was unlocked allowing Heydrich access to his target. As quickly as it opened the door was slammed shut, those same spider leg fingers relocking the door. The blonde was dominant, even if his title didn't say so, so it didn't take much for him to overpower the short, stocky man he was forced to call his boss.

Everyone: Holy fuck, badfic writer, this is painful enough without BDSM content!

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"What sort of man uses private matters as ammo in an arguement where others can hear!!??"

Himmler and Heydrich were completely alone outside, so why is this an issue? It's also ironic that the most "private" part of the argument is about to take place one wall away from a crowded front office. God, this fic makes no sense.

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Himmler set one hand on his desk, the other on his stomach, which by now was as forgotten as the long dead cigarette.

If his hand's on it, it's not forgotten. Also, DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN.

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The bulge was noticable under his uniform, one of the many things that set him so far on edge, "How dare you talk about what we do in private. Times like these I wish you were dead. You can be such a bastard for someone who is supposedly perfect."

You cannot fathom the immensity of my desire not to know what Heini *snicker* and Heydrich do in private. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

PS: Heydrich Heydrich Heydrich!

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the walk had taken much out of him, the stress that was building took even more. Just from arguing the man who was never in the best of shape, was already out of breath. Years of smoking will do that to you.

More soapboxing about the dangers of smoking. No sospboxing about the dangers of Nazism or mpreg.

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"You had asked me a question and I gave you an answer, I just don't understand why I got hit." Heydrich wasn't as stupid he looked, for a man so pretty. And at times he was pretty dumb in the eyes of his superior. At that moment, his 'innocence' took the cake.

Reinhard Heydrich: pretty, dumb, or pretty dumb?

The blonde vs. brunette aspect of this fic is hilarious. Does the author need the difference between middle-aged men and preteen girls explained to him or her?

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"You don't understand?" Himmler leaned against his desk, "Your answer made you look more like an ass than you already are. How dare you judge my home life or any aspect of my life and what I do or don't do in it. As for taking me to bed, you won't have to worry about that." He rubbed his swollen abdomen to hit his point home.

Everyone: Ewwww[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

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"Did you ever once take into consideration how I might feel before you open your mouth? I doubt it, because all that comes out is this annoying drabble that makes me want to strangle the nearest living thing!"

In that way, Heydrich reminds me of this badfic author.

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"But if those index cards of yours could talk and have feelings, I'm sure you'd be making sure they were always happy...

Watchew talkin' about, Himmler? No really, I don't know what you're talking about. Talking index cards? With feelings? LOL WUT?

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...but not your superior. Your PREGNANT superior. The one that is pregnant with YOUR child."

I guess it's not a DUN DUN DUNNNNN moment if I've been warning everyone about it the whole time.

Next, things take a violent turn for the sugar-pie honey-bunch:

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"Now that is not true. Heini, please don't do this. You know I love you, it's just I can't handle you when you're so difficult to get along with. Don't you think I would do everything in my power to make this easier on you if I could? But frankly in our situation, there's very little I can do... we have to meet somewhere in the middle on this." the Blonde set his hand over the hand on Himmler's stomach, "I want everything for our child, to be healthy, happy and well off. I would never abandon you in a time like this."

Is anyone else wondering what kind of monstrosity a Himmler/Heydrich assbaby, raised by Himmler and Heydrich, would be? It would probably be able to kill Jews with its mind. But I digress...

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"You're only saying that so I will stop being angry and have sex with you again. Well it's not happening...

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Never mind what I said earlier; I'm sigging this.

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...There's a reason you don't speak in public, and it's not just your ridiculous sounding voice."

Heydrich: Is it my tail, then? Please don't say it's my tail!
Himmler: Shut up shut up SHUT UP!!

Anyway, they bicker some more, and then Himmler tries to beat Heydrich up (with predictably yaoi results):

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Himmler was shorter than his Aryan counterpart, but the blonde would never purposely harm anyone who he cared for, especially his own who was with child. So when push came to shove, he gave into the Bavarian's anger induced attempt at inflicting more pain upon him, letting him get rid of his frustration and hate out on a blonde-haired punching bag. Small tears filled the hazel eyes as finally the beating stopped as his fists pounded on Heydrich's chest, each blow growing softer until finally he wore himself out like a child after a tempertantrum. He wrapped his arms around the man, pressing his forehead into the uniformed chest.

"Damn you, Reinhard!!" he yelled, pressing his head further, "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!!"

Middle. Aged. Men.

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Heydrich could only hold him until the last of his anger died down, gently petting the short cut brown hair until his love calmed. "I know..." It pained him to hear those three little words that should never be said to the one you love. He wrapped his other arm around Himmler, kissing the top of his head, "You can say you hate me until you turn blue in the face, but when you hate someone, that means you still care, because hate is a feeling just as love is."

Oh, [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Wow, I just can't imagine how much they secretly love the Jews.

Just to hazard a guess, this fanbrat hasn't got the faintest idea what Nazis did to homosexuals.

EileenK98 wrote:

The further we move along, and the fewer and fewer actual Holocaust survivors who are still with us, the more stories like this are going to pop up. It's just too far away for the kids to get a handle on, sadly. It's not real to them, so they make up whatever shit they want about the most evil people who ever lived.

Hey, Eileen! It's been a little goal of mine to get you to comment on one of my posts.[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Everything you have said is true, sadly, but the skies are not all dark. dA actually has tons of sincere (though often sappy) Holocaust remembrance art and writing by teenagers and young adults. It's just that the awful stuff is of more interest to the people of WGW.

This may be completely nitpicky and beside the point, but for some reason it really bugs me that they're using jokes that only work in English. Yeah, the fic is in English, but the conversation, if it was real, wouldn't be, so there would be no "variant of ass" jokes and no "head up your ass".

Ladies and gentlemen, our romantic leads:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Uh . . . sexy?

(Note that the Himmler picture is from a site "Dedicated to the memory of Heinrich Himmler. May Satan grant you revenge!")

The fic is atrocious, but thanks for making me laugh. Especially the psychic Nazis bit. :D

ETA: Bonus! I was Googling to see if there were any pix of these two side-by-side, and I ran smack into bad fanart.

FANART??? WHY GOD WHY

Tungsten Monk wrote:

Ladies and gentlemen, our romantic leads:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Uh . . . sexy?

They're sexy! They're cute! They're popular to boot! And keep their hunkiness in mind when reading this next passage:

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The Bavarian choked back a sob, nuzzling his head against the man's chin. His face heated a bit when he felt one of the hands slide under his shirt, cold fingers lightly touching the rounded bulge, "R-Reinhard..." he tilted his head up, meeting the other's lips, tasting him for a moment before pulling away.

HAWT.

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He knew the Aryan was waiting for a dramatic cliched apology, one that Himmler would not provide. "I don't want you to die... that I didn't mean, for the most part."

Himmler: I don't want you to die. I just want you to be horribly ill or wounded. That's how Heini expresses his love for you, shnookerpie.
Everyone (snickering): Heini.

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It wasn't the loving apology the man had wanted, but Heydrich knew it was the best he would get from the smaller man, so he took it, "I'm glad you like me alive. I doubt anyone else could put up with you as well as I do." he chuckled, kissing his lover's forehead, "Now... do you still hate me?"

PLEASE SAY YES, HIMMLER. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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"Yes I do. And I expect that paper work to be done, Herr Heydrich."

Oh thank-

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The Reichfuhrer gave a smirk, trailing his fingers over the crotch of Heydrich's, "I want it done by the end of the day. Do you understand me~?" His serious tone was seductive in a way as he gropped the bulge in his hand, rubbing what he felt.

Damn.

Oh well...

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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"Ah~ Yes mein Reichfuhrer~~" Heydrich's eyes stared hungerly at Himmler, nudging against the man's hand with want.

"Ah. Ah. Ah~." The blue eyes widened when the teasing suddenly stopped as a finger wagged back and forth in front of his face, "Not until you are finished. Now shoo before I change my mind." the hazel eyed superior kissed the once red cheek, "Don't just stand there, Herr Heydrich. Get to work."

Historians have used many words to describe Heinrich Himmler, and I don't think that "tease" has ever been one of them. On that note, neither has "gay" or "capable of getting pregnant." But when have such things ever stopped a fanbrat?

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Dumbfounded, the Obbergruppenfuhrer clicked his heels and saluted before rushing out of the office, calming himself to keep the staff's curiosity low. Himmler laughed, rubbing his belly, "If you're anything like your father..." he thought before finishing his sentence, "I'm sure someone will love you as much as I love him... But don't ever tell him I said that."

Annnnnnd that's a wrap. How adorable.

________

Stay tuned for more Nazi fanfic theater! In our next episode, we explore a death camp with...sparkly vampires?

Was this fic not enough to satisfy your hunger for hot Himmler-on-Heydrich action? Then we have a tip for you!

Just run a DeviantArt search for Himmler + Heydrich. You'll find all sorts of awesomely perverted slashart without even trying!

More the literary type? There are two more Himmler/Heydrich mpreg fics that we know of.

And that isn't even getting into the other Hitlerslash pairings. Fap on, creepy Nazi fetishists, fap on!

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD8

I know quite a few people over 70, including relatives. They WOULD. NOT. WANT.

EileenK98 wrote:

The further we move along, and the fewer and fewer actual Holocaust survivors who are still with us, the more stories like this are going to pop up. It's just too far away for the kids to get a handle on, sadly. It's not real to them, so they make up whatever shit they want about the most evil people who ever lived.

Fanbrats have been schlicking over fictional villains for ages. It's not really all that much of a stretch for them to start schlicking over real villains, especially as time has made them, as you say, just as "unreal" to the Fanbrats as Pyramid Head or Sephiroth.

"You killed a hundred thousand people? Well done! Your diary must look very odd. 'Death, death, death, death, death, light lunch, death, death, death, death, death, shower...'"

[/Eddie Izzard paraphrase]

I think we need an Izzard emote.

Most people of any age would not want this trash. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

And Littledorrit, I'm glad to bring happiness to your life! Remind me to post a picture of myself wearing my Scottie T-shirt. When I actually take a picture, that is.

myeerah wrote:

"You killed a hundred thousand people? Well done! Your diary must look very odd. 'Death, death, death, death, death, light lunch, death, death, death, death, death, shower...'"

Flippant response: "Death, death, death, death, death, light lunch, death, death, death, death, death, buttsecks, death, death, death, death, gave birth to assbaby, death, death, death, death, death, bedtime."

Serious response: What few personal accounts Nazi war criminals wrote were actually a lot like that. Auschwitz commandant Rudolf Hoess's memoirs are one chilling example: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

littledorrit wrote:

High-ranking Nazi party officials will get pregnant with assbabies. Sparkly vampires will save people from the gas chamber. The dead will be disrespected, and mankind will be embarrassed all over again.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Part of me wants to believe that this is some sort of karmic retribution for the atrocities that these men committed... you know, kill thousands of people, teenage girls will disrespect your memory by writing terrible fanfiction, or something. But I just don't have that much faith in karma, combined with a deep cynicism of my generation. So we'll go with this: [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Great snark, though!

I'm fairly sure my dad didn't spend three years in Austria during WW II so that some fanbrat could decide the Nazis really weren't bad guys, they were just misunderstood. Do they not teach History in school anymore?

One of the few times in my life I ever saw my father cry was when he told me about helping liberate a concentration camp towards the end of the war.

Nihilist wrote:

Interesting to note that it seems exclusive only for Nazis, though, as Hollywood likes their image as well. I'll even venture to say that it's because of this overexposure, because they're white, and the uniforms are pretty attractive.

I am going to add that also German accents are hella hot.

Nihilist wrote:

I'll even venture to say that it's because of this overexposure, because they're white, and the uniforms are pretty attractive.

I would also add a healthy dose of anti-Semitism to that list. That's one of those things that the world hasn't been able to move past, and I think we see the effects even in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict today. And many people don't realize that the Nazis hated damn near everyone, not just Jews.

Owlish wrote:

Nihilist wrote:

I'll even venture to say that it's because of this overexposure, because they're white, and the uniforms are pretty attractive.

I would also add a healthy dose of anti-Semitism to that list. That's one of those things that the world hasn't been able to move past, and I think we see the effects even in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict today. And many people don't realize that the Nazis hated damn near everyone, not just Jews.

I wonder how many of these authors know there were concentration camps for gays? And Gypsys? And the Poles? And pretty much anyone else who didn't live up to Hitler's ideal of the Master Race?

littledorrit wrote:

A person prone to understatement might say that the Nazis are trending in badfic land.

There's one trend that can't die soon enough.

Dude.

Of course, people of any age would be squicked, but especially people who went through that shit.
My grandparents were in their late teens/early 20s/late 20s.
I met a scientist my grandparents' age who was in a concentration camp, and one of the 'mildest' ones, at that. His experience was horrible enough.
When I was in 9th grade, a former Auschwitz detainee told us about her experience. No comments.

I wouldn't show them those fics. For their sanity, and my health.