The Truth For Youth: These Are Your Tracts On Animu

TheHedonist wrote:

Rabid Badger wrote:

Now if they'd made the lead singer actually LOOK like a cross between Marilyn Manson and Madonna? That would've scared even me.

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Discuss.

You're a bit light on the Marilyn Manson half, as she's not rolling around in meat sauce or vomiting shit.

*banging my head against the desk*

Edit:

So I sent an email to Tim Todd:

Quote :

Greetings, Timothy Todd. As a Christian concerned with the alarming
decay of the importance of truth in our churches, I would like to
condemn you for your incredibly misinformative Truth For Youth comics
series. But seeing as I'm not God and it is ultimately His judgment and
not mine that you will be measrued by, I will instead simply ask you
kindly to

GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY RELIGION.

Mr.Doobie wrote:

You're a bit light on the Marilyn Manson half, as she's not rolling around in meat sauce or vomiting shit.

How's this, then?

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Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: TOTALLY HOW MENTAL ILLNESS WORKS
Delcat: ooooooh golly. This is gonna be a rough one, isn't it?
Delcat: At least we have another comely butch girl as protagonist.
Delcat: Those sure are some dead kids. Mmmmyep. Dead, dead kids. You know, for kids!
Zeiss Manifold: When loudly shoots Dennis’ Gun, what was sundered and undone shall be whole, the two made one, by Heflin hand or else by none.
Delcat: Aw man, and all I've got's lesbian jokes. You're such a dick, bein' all highbrow an' junk.
Zeiss Manifold: I don't know what the prophecy means, really. Something involving bibles. And bullets.
Delcat: I'll just go back to drafting my "Schizophrenia and How It Doesn't Work" paper.
Zeiss Manifold: PERHAPS THE WORDS OF SOMEONE HE TANGENTIALLY KINDA KNOWS CAN STOP THIS MADNESS
Delcat: Please tell me the upshot of this one isn't "schizophrenia = DEMUNZ" because I do NOT know how else to read this.
Delcat: I must say, Dennis IS a lot more menacing since he hit puberty.
Zeiss Manifold: I like how the word "Bullets" is convienently drawn with bullet holes in it, just in case we forgot what a bullet is or something. Why "Bibles" is written in Laser Tag font, though, is not so clear.
Delcat: Please say it's a cautionary tale about using sniper rifles at point-blank range instead.
Delcat: Panel 3: Officer on the far right is goin' in for the scrote twist defense, there.

Spoiler:

Delcat: ...that's it?
Delcat: That's seriously it?
Delcat: The kid just gunned down two people in a hallucinatory fit and the tract is actually about BIBLE SMUGGLING?
Zeiss Manifold: Well, there are more important issues to deal with. Namely CHRISTIANS ARE UNDER ATTACK
Zeiss Manifold: …FROM MARIONETTES, judging from the first panel.
Delcat: "What she did was brave and bold and unbelievably dangerous! We should thank her for endangering herself and risking upsetting the killer! Remember, kids, Jesus wants you to waste your life doing stupid things! It's the American way!"
Delcat: Panel 3: No seriously, those are some dead-ass kids. That was a SNIPER RIFLE at POINT-BLANK RANGE. Stop pretending you don't know what that means, we all know you fundies love your guns.
Zeiss Manifold: Maybe Dennis had scoliosis and could only aim for the legs? I got nothing.
Delcat: Panel 4: In which two teachers have anal sex to relax after a lockdown.
Delcat: Seriously, WHY THE FUCK IS NO ONE FLIPPING OUT. WHY.
Delcat: "Huh, dead kids. Welp, movin' right along."
Delcat: Do fundies think that this just happens every other Tuesday in public school?
Zeiss Manifold: But really, is everyone still hiding in the lockers? Is that it?
Delcat: Maybe the school consists entirely of those four kids. There's an old guy in a ten-gallon hat outside painting "POPULATION: 2" over the old sign.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: STOP, HEFLIN TIME
Delcat: It's...it's really about the Bible club.
Delcat: Wow, this one is the closest to a Chick tract we've seen so far. CURSE THAT CRAZY RELIGION THING, I'M OLD AND EVIL AND I NEED TO BE CHANGED.
Zeiss Manifold: "...And now instead of bibles, we have bullets!"
Zeiss Manifold: Well yeah, you ever tried loading a Bible into a glock?
Delcat: OH MY GOD, HE STATED A CORRELLATION THAT HASN'T BEEN PROVED TO HAVE ANY CAUSATION AND THAT HAS BEEN TOSSED AROUND FOR YEARS! THIS SOMEHOW CHANGES EVERYTHING!
Zeiss Manifold: "Whoa!"
Delcat: God, Zeiss, I don't even know what to say to this one. All I can do is gape at the abject stupidity.
Delcat: And the shapely ass in Panel 4.
Delcat: Does he realize that boys and girls...well...what I'm asking here, Zeiss, is...does he realize that they're...different?
Delcat: Because I'm seeing anatomy thrown around like bean bags, here.
Zeiss Manifold: Character designs by Katsuhiro Otomo!...'s pet ferret Lumpy.
Delcat: Also, Panel 5: "Back into public schools, and back INTO MY MOUTH NOM NOM NOM"
Zeiss Manifold: I'm more concerned about their collection of litmus paper, myself.

Spoiler:

Delcat: Panel 3: "So our HURP for DURP DURP HURP has the same DURF of HURF DURF, legal DURP to HURP at HURF and HURP DURPS on this bulletin HURF as the DURP club does!"
Delcat: ...plus uke blush.
Delcat: Panel 6: HURP DURP UKE BLUSH EAT HAIR
Delcat: So either the protagonists can look like competent butch girls or like brain-dead uke boys.
Zeiss Manifold: They do realize that the Equal Access Act also protects Gay-Straight Alliances, right?
Delcat: It sure does, Zeiss! And clubs for other religions, like Buddhism, Shintoism, Wicca, and even Satanism!
Zeiss Manifold: And Onoism?
Delcat: Isn't that swell? We should thank them for letting us know our rights as gay Wicca Satanists!
Zeiss Manifold: ...WITH DICKS
Zeiss Manifold: Gee, you'd think Rush Limbaugh would be all for Christian clubs.
Delcat: Rush Limbaugh can't be for anything. He's too old and cranky and in need of a diaper change.
Zeiss Manifold: Oh hey, sports-free black people.
Delcat: I would just say "change" but that would be a bit too unintendedly punny.
Delcat: Rush Limbaugh: He paints with all the colors of the wind.
Zeiss Manifold: Is he trying to initiate the Dr. Who opening? What is that?
Delcat: I don't know, it's vaguely familiar but I don't think OH MY GOD WE'RE BACK IN THE FOREST OF HAIR
Delcat: SAVE ME ZEISS
Zeiss Manifold: Boy, they're going to be pissed when they open their bibles and it's nothing but "LOVE" and "VALOR" all over the place.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: "My tie is a dowsing rod for the principal!"
Delcat: Either that or Dilbert's gotten grumpy in his old age.
Delcat: hogawd they just pulled the "kewl". For really and truly. Unironically. In 2004.
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 4: Yes, the First Amendment, which explicitly advocates the seperation of church and state, was passed after the Constitution was written. GOOD JOB
Zeiss Manifold: Oh wow, Goth Arnold is coming! I may have to go to this thing after all.
Delcat: So basically this thing is a gigantic ad?
Delcat: A giant, fourth-wall-breaking ad?
Delcat: "Hey kids, this is the extent of our brief, fictional universe, so let's shill this thing hard before we blink out of existence!"
Zeiss Manifold: And the bible has pictures of real people in a psuedo-mangaverse. This breaks five dimensions.
Delcat: That's why they were trying to usher in the Doctor, he's the only one who can fix this clusterfuck of time and space.
Delcat: SPOILER: None of them will, in fact, be there. They're just terrified of upsetting another obviously unstable fanatic after the Dennis the (Fatal) Menace incident.
Zeiss Manifold: We now return to your scheduled sports-bedecked black folks.
Delcat: You know what's really unbelievable about this?
Zeiss Manifold: What?
Delcat: Any member of the public school faculty giving a tin shit about a non-sports-related after-school activity.
Zeiss Manifold: Yeah, the Christian groups are only UNDER ATTACK because everything else not involving balls already is.
Delcat: THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE'LL BE HERE MAKING SNIDE SOCIOCULTURAL COMMENTARY ALL WEEK

Spoiler:

Toshihiro Ono: ~Did you say--
Delcat: We know you're lonely, Ono, we'll pick up one of your doujinshi or something later. Shut it.
Toshihiro Ono: ~Ohhhhh.
Delcat: Freedoms like...the right to bear arms? You know, that one that fundies absolutely love? The one that allows kids to get guns in the first place?
Zeiss Manifold: ...I can see an Onoverse crossover happening here, really. What if Tommy started an Erection Club instead?
Delcat: Oh God, you're right. Go back through in your head and replace all the Bible references with dicks and balls and futa.
Delcat: IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
Zeiss Manifold: Yep, because if there's anything that can help people with anger and mental issues, it's reading a book!
Delcat: So if there's no law against having a Bible in school THEN WHY THE FUCKING FUCKNUTS IS IT A PROBLEM?"
Delcat: You're not smuggling anything, you're just TAKING it!
Delcat: It's like trying to smuggle air! NOBODY CARES!
Zeiss Manifold: Because EVUL ATHEISTS are DISCRIMINATING AGAINST CHRISTIANS!
Zeiss Manifold: ...Even though most of the disputes over Christian school organizations I've seen are in regards to how the clubs are funded, and not the clubs themselves.
Delcat: I wonder who this attorney is. I wonder if he has a website. That could be epic.
Delcat: Panel 4: *James Bond theme*
Delcat: Aaaaand he starts pointing into the air and talking to something no one else can see. Pretty soon he's going to start shooting at it.
Zeiss Manifold: "SATAN NO SNIPING! SATAN NO SNIPING! SATAN NO SNIPING!"
Zeiss Manifold: "AWWWWWWW MAN"
Delcat: God, what a mess.
Delcat: Do any of these comics have any redeemable social value whatsoever? I mean, is there like one about not mainlining heroin or something that I could get on board with?
Zeiss Manifold: I guess the moral is:
Zeiss Manifold:
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Delcat: I thought the moral was Christians are suckers for alliteration.
Zeiss Manifold: And that, you know, school shootings are caused by demonic posession.
Delcat: THAT DARNED PATCHY!

The real moral is: Tommy Hilfiger clothing is fucking awesome.

TheHedonist wrote:

Mr.Doobie wrote:

You're a bit light on the Marilyn Manson half, as she's not rolling around in meat sauce or vomiting shit.

How's this, then?

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Better. But her gender is still too obvious for her to be part Manson. (cue Mikey making bad "Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite joke)

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I love his prayer in the last panel. "OHSWEETJEEBUSTHANKS! OH GOD I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO FUCKING DIE! THANK FUCKING GOD!"

...

"Oh, and help Dennis with his problems too. Or something."

I also love how blase everyone is about this whole school shooting.

"Whoop. Guess another kid went batshit and blew the shit out everybody. Nothing new there. Hum dee dum dee dum dee dum."

Quote :

[b][b] Delcat: And the shapely ass in Panel 4.

[/b][/b]

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Nothing at all. Nothing at all. Nothing at all.

And now, the one you’ve all been waiting for!

Delcat: Okay guys, you are gonna need to hold me down at parts here. You ready for some short butch fatty rage?
Zeiss Manifold: GET THE STRAPS

Spoiler:

Delcat: Oh hey, black people in sports uniforms actually playing sports! Who'da thunk?
Zeiss Manifold: I just want to point out that in a comic about STDs, and the original filename was indeed "PAP_1.jpg".
Delcat: Zeiss, don't you know PAP smears are just part of the liberal agenda to get women addicted to strange men manipulatin' their wahoogiehoos?
Zeiss Manifold: What's a "wahoogiehoo"? A steakhouse?
Delcat: Well, I am in rare form today, as in lukewarm and dripping blood, so...
Delcat: I AM ASIAN, THUS I AM GOOD AT MATH. STEREOTYPES ARE OKAY IF THEY'RE POSITIVE STEREOTYPES, RIGHT?
Zeiss Manifold: Stats: "LET ME JUST PLUG THIS INTO MY SEX-O-MATIC COMPUTER MACHINE"
Zeiss Manifold: Pokedex: "Why couldn't I belong to some kid who liked to learn facts about Tropiuses I wasn't made for this."
InkWeaver: okay anyway, does anyone remember those "electronic" password diaries that they made for girls... like "Girl-Talk Diary" or something, and they had voice passwords to open them?
InkWeaver: Well, that's definitely what that kid is holding.
Delcat: Oh hell, I do remember those. And here I thought it was a Hitchhiker's Guide.
InkWeaver: Well, I can imagine Stats stealing this from his older sister, hitching his pants up, snorting his sinus infection back into his nasal cavities, and checking his pocket protector before working on decoding the password.
Delcat: Password turns out to be "Chlamydia", not because it's pertinent, but because she thought it was a pretty name for a flower.
Zeiss Manifold: Why is he even here? Isn't Babylon 5 on?
Delcat: Panel 3: Are we sure this one isn't about substance abuse? Either she got hit by a ball and has a blown pupil or she's been hittin' SOME kind of bottle like a half-brick in a sock.
InkWeaver: I think Stats might be the few years younger version of Tommy wearing the Tommy Hilfiger shirt in the Bibles not Bullets comic.
Delcat: Nonsense, his ass isn't nearly as shapely.
Zeiss Manifold: He's also more of a Space: 1999 person, now that I think about it.
InkWeaver: He hasn't hit effeminate puberty yet!
InkWeaver: Are you sure he's not the kid that quotes the ENTIRE Monty Python and the Holy Grail movie in the back of the bus?
Zeiss Manifold: I'm sure Stats' maturity will blossom like a beautiful chlamydia.

Spoiler:

InkWeaver: HEY GAIZ
InkWeaver: FOOTBALL PUNS
Zeiss Manifold: Boy, the first panel is just begging for a "NOOOOOOO SACKS" joke.
Delcat: Okay guys, who wants to guess what sex act he's clumsily euphemising towards? I'm putting my chip down on rimming.
InkWeaver: "I'm gonna PUNT right through your GOAL POSTS tonight"
InkWeaver: "You're gonna INTERCEPT my PASS with your FACE tonight baby"
Zeiss Manifold:
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Zeiss Manifold: amidoingitrite
InkWeaver: "I'm gonna SLAP YOUR ASS like my COACH slapped MINE in the LOCKER ROOM and I tried to tell my MOMMY but he said he would HURT HER IF I DID"
InkWeaver: "...what?"
Delcat: You're gonna...uh...have my COCK in your ASS tonight...yeah guys sorry I know nothing of this foot-the-ball thing
Zeiss Manifold: "NO SKIP, THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR SPECIAL SECRET"
InkWeaver: Third panel, back right: some guy is eating mustard right out of the bottle.
Zeiss Manifold: oh my god he is
InkWeaver: Also, the stands in this game are filled with cranberries.
Zeiss Manifold: IS THIS WHAT THEY THINK KIDS DO
Zeiss Manifold: REALLY
Delcat: Maybe he needs to vomit up giant maggots that the lunchlady impregnated him with.
Delcat: ...anyone else remember that show? ...just me? Fuck.
Zeiss Manifold: Also, black dude has dark designs on that bottle of ranch.
Delcat: Panel 3: It's like her face is swirling down the drain of her head or something.
Delcat: "Wow! Tight! Your ass is, I mean. Can't wait to take these falsies off and pound you into the mattress, bitch."
InkWeaver: His penis is really small, I think.
InkWeaver: Last panel, Skip is trying to hit someone with a firework.
Zeiss Manifold: ...Those aren't pompoms, those are french fries. The hell do they go to school, a McDonald's Playplace?
Zeiss Manifold: "What ARE Marcy and Skip planning for tonight? Watch 2 Timothy 2:22 for the exciting conclusion!"
Delcat: That's it, I'm gonna start looking these up. Half a second, let me pull up a Bible site.
InkWeaver: BIBLE WEBSITES
InkWeaver: THE FUTUREEEEE
Delcat: Let's see...Romans 12-14...
Delcat: 3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.
Delcat: Whooooa, was that a really sneaky YOU UGLY?
Zeiss Manifold: They're going to soberly judge themselves? Is that it? I can see why I'd opt out of that, it sounds like the worst date evar.
Delcat: Dude, this makes no sense. It's about taxation and spiritual gifts and--oh, maybe this?
InkWeaver: ssssssouch.
Delcat: 13 Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.
InkWeaver: I do that in the daytime too, man.
Delcat: ...naaaah, it's gotta be the taxation stuff.
Zeiss Manifold: Let us eat mustard straight from the bottle, then.
InkWeaver: LOL.
Delcat: I ate mustard straight from your bottle last night, baby.

Spoiler:

InkWeaver: "If unplanned pregnancies and Marcy's face being TERRIBLY SKEWED TO THE RIGHT OH GOD SHE HAS TURNED INTO AN EDLRITCH HORROR"
Delcat: Man, this is the worst halftime show EVER. Why couldn't they book Veggietales instead?
InkWeaver: have you ever noticed the main characters of Veggietales a cucumber and a tomato? Aren't those both fruit?
Delcat: Hey, what they do behind closed doors is none of my business, Inky.
Zeiss Manifold: UNPLANNED PREGNANCIES AND SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES
Zeiss Manifold: TOGETHER THEY FORM VOLTRON
Zeiss Manifold: ...No seriously. Look at the cheerleaders' uniforms.
InkWeaver: AND ADD IN THE THIRD PART -- the JESUS
InkWeaver: AND YOU GET THE MEGAZORD
Delcat: For being anti-sex, they sure do like presenting comely asses to the reader. And that of a guy named "Rhino", no less. Think they call him that 'cause of his horn?
Zeiss Manifold: ...Is that an invisicock?
Delcat: You mean that he's holding in the fourth panel? Would seem to be. No wonder he's distracted.
InkWeaver: Last Panel, her face: DO NOT WANT
InkWeaver: Second panel: Is that the back of someone's head or is that a rogue tribble?
Delcat: Man, if they really wanted to show the dangers of unplanned pregnancies, a rogue tribble would be JUST the thing.
Zeiss Manifold: Those reactions in the first panel....it's like nobody's ever even heard of pregnancy before and Blondie is locked in a perpetual "haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh".
Delcat: "You need to get a serious clue here--You're a LESBIAN, remember? Remember that? All that sex we had last night?"
Zeiss Manifold: Cheerleading practice. Cheer cheer, cheer cheer, cheerleading practice.
Delcat: Not quite as punny, Zeiss.
InkWeaver: Their teeth look like strips of gum.
Zeiss Manifold: Fourth panel: Where is everyone going, exactly? I think the other team saw this was a Truth For Youth comic after the first page and scurried out.
InkWeaver: Fourth panel, back right corner - they have turned into Slenderleaders

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold:
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Delcat: urrrrgh RAGE STARTING GUYS
Zeiss Manifold: “STD's such as AIDS”
Zeiss Manifold: ...and SYPHUS
InkWeaver: OH GOD FIRST THOUGHT: "Reggie isn't trying to COME ON to you! He's just trying to COME ON YOU!"
Delcat: Setting aside LIES LIES LIES LIES MISINFORMATION LIES, I find it especially galling that they're scaring people with the dangers of HPV while undoubtedly SIMULTANEOUSLY whinging about how the HPV vaccine will turn kids into whores.
InkWeaver: Oh. My god. THERE IS NO CLINICAL PROOF THAT THESE CONTRACEPTIVES WORK.
InkWeaver: FUCK.
InkWeaver: YOU.
Zeiss Manifold: who invited the buzzkill asian kid anyway
InkWeaver: FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE THE FUCKING REASON I GET TOLD THAT AIDS CAN GO THROUGH THE PORES IN CONDOMS IN SEX ED AT AGE 15
InkWeaver: PEOPLE LIKE ARE THE FUCKING REASON MY COUNTY HAS THE HIGHEST TEEN PREGNANCY RATE IN GEORGIA
Zeiss Manifold: "The conclusion is - Pokedex sex is the only safe route!"
Zeiss Manifold: "I JUST WANTED TO HELP KIDS LEARN"
Delcat: God, what else. Yeah, condoms are most likely to fail in the first year, because they're doing it wrong and thus don't MAKE it to the second year like the 87% of people who use them properly.
InkWeaver: PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON I SAY "Oh hay you can get free condoms at the health center and they won't tell anyone" AND EVERYONE FUCKING GOES "wat lol no you can't that's not true"
Delcat: Condoms only have about a 3% failure rate when used PROPERLY, which kids would LEARN TO DO in sex ed.
InkWeaver: BUT DELCAT
InkWeaver: YOU'LL CATCH TERRIBLE STDS
InkWeaver: LIKE
InkWeaver: TEH GAY
InkWeaver: AND TEH AIDS
Delcat: Also, 13% of unmarried teens....as opposed to all the MARRIED teens? WHAT?
InkWeaver: but if you get married, you won't get pregnant
InkWeaver: this is what that seems to say to me.
InkWeaver: No but seriously who the fuck invited that kid. Those kids don't go to football games. Those kids are busy learning how to hide their Yu-Gi-Oh card addiction so they can lure a girl in.
InkWeaver: I know because I've MET those kids, and they don't go to football games.
InkWeaver: They go to the cafeteria, and their attic room.
Delcat: What else, what else...gonorrhea = curable. The syph = curable. HPV = unpleasant in some cases but harmless and symptomless a HELL of a lot of the time. Yeah, throw those in with AIDS, why not.
Zeiss Manifold: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just still confused at panel 5
Zeiss Manifold: I'm pretty sure that in order for his helmet to fly off that way, it'd have to be embedded in his head to begin with.
InkWeaver: The blue player just put his fist up Skip's ass.
Delcat: Okay, that does it for the sex lies, I think. What else is going on OOH CROTCH CRUNCH OUCHIES
Zeiss Manifold: Whoa, they're bringing out Revelations for this?
Delcat: Hardcore, man. Lemme pull that.
Delcat: Hang on, do we wanna rock this KJV or NIV?
Delcat: Enh, let's do KJV. Those fuckers just looooove it, and it's funnier.
Delcat: But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.
Zeiss Manifold: Uh...FOOTBALL APOCALYPSE
InkWeaver: Unprotected, premarital sex = fiery meteorites rain down on the football field.
Zeiss Manifold: WITH THE GUARDS OF MAGOG CALLING THE PLAY
Delcat: Now THERE'S a halftime show!
Zeiss Manifold: THE PIED PIPER CRACKS OFF LIKE JIM THEISSMAN'S LEG
Zeiss Manifold: MANNINGS COMING OUT OF THE SEA okay I've had enough of this
Delcat: Zeiss! Zeiss, come back, you're Weening!
InkWeaver: Hate to say it, but maybe I'd be able to pay attention to foot-the-ball games if that happened.
Zeiss Manifold: I'm actually Genesising but holy god I just saw what inadvertantly did thar
Zeiss Manifold: IT'S TOO MUCH, NEXT PAGE

Spoiler:

Delcat: ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
Zeiss Manifold: This comic is actually the reason Trojan Xtra-Thin Cheese Grater Condoms were recalled, IIRC.
InkWeaver: Okay, why is it that every time they have the ignorant person in these comics, he's missing a tooth -- or rather a semi-circle from his mono-tooth -- and has crossed eyes
Delcat: It shows they're so stupid that they try to eat rocks, duh.
Delcat: MUCH LIKE THE AUTHOR
InkWeaver: oh god i thought I was done raging
InkWeaver: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
Delcat: *whine* Guuuuys it huuuuuurts
InkWeaver: WHAT FUCKING FUCK DECIDED TO SPREAD THIS SHIT ABOUT AIDS BEING ABLE TO PASS THROUGH THE PORES OF CONDOMS POINT THE FUCKSHITFUCKER OUT SO I CAN STRANGLE HIM WITH HIS OWN DICK OR BEAT HER TO DEATH WITH HER OWN TITTIES
Delcat: That'd be Focus on the Family, you said, Zeiss?
Zeiss Manifold: Yeah.
Delcat: So there's a lot of call for dickstrangling there, don't worry.
InkWeaver: It just goes to show they don't trust their own religion enough to rely on people to come to Jesus on just Jesus's merits.
InkWeaver: They have to make up a pack of lies to get the teenagers to come over to Christianity and remain abstinent.
InkWeaver: It's actually pretty fucking pathetic.
Zeiss Manifold:
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Delcat: I find it ~*high-larious*~ that they don't touch at all on how unplanned pregnancies are much more life-shattering than most STIs, because babies are ~*pure and good*~.
InkWeaver: I also find it interesting that I have never once heard a reason WHY God wants me to wait to have a penis in my vagina.
InkWeaver: Like, seriously... why?
InkWeaver: GOD WANTS YOU TO
InkWeaver: no, really, why
Delcat: Uh, guys? Maybe we should have the existential religious discussion when...when, y'know, Skip isn't bleeding into his skull?
InkWeaver: BECAUSE GOD WANTS YOU TO
Zeiss Manifold: BECAUSE
Zeiss Manifold:
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InkWeaver: And out of his rectum.
InkWeaver: Zeiss, honey, you're reaching.
Zeiss Manifold: Everyone involved in this comic is reaching. It’s the reachiest thing since Reachygon, the reachy robot with extendo-reachy arms.
Delcat: Okay, lemme pull some verses, here.
Delcat: Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,
Zeiss Manifold: Well, there goes Stats.
Delcat: Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
Delcat: Again, pulling one thing out of a big list there.
Delcat: I'm noticing them leaning pretty heavily on the writings of Paul, like Lapin said.
Zeiss Manifold: I can't wait to read the tract on the evils of reviling, myself.
Zeiss Manifold: "Abusers of themselves with mankind?"....I'm kinda surprised that Paul is taking the trouble to explicitly call out circle jerks here.
InkWeaver: What is reviling?
Delcat: Ummm, to hate something really hard and, uh...make...fun of it.
Delcat: ...*cough*
Zeiss Manifold: I'll try to rescue Stats' Pokedex when we get to hell then.
InkWeaver: Okay, take a look at the bleachers here.
InkWeaver: Notice how they colored in the stands with, like, a rainbow spectrum
InkWeaver: it's just shades of yellow then blue then red then orange then... yeah
InkWeaver: THIS IS ART
Delcat: Yeah, I'm getting a real gay pride feel here.
InkWeaver: Second panel is a close-up of sperm under a microscope.
InkWeaver: The background of it, I mean.
Delcat: OH NO THE BIG EVIL SPERM ARE COMING TO INFECT US WITH THE RAINBOW GAY??
Zeiss Manifold: And radiation poisoning, judging from Skip.
InkWeaver: D=
Delcat: God, is it over yet?
Zeiss Manifold: JUST ONE MORE PAGE
Zeiss Manifold: WE CAN MAKE IT
Zeiss Manifold:
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Spoiler:

Delcat: ....oh. My. God.
Delcat: ...do they...know what "receiver" MEANS in this context?
Zeiss Manifold: First panel: We now go live to Musashi Gundou.
Delcat: Okay, I am dying to see what the KJV has to say about statistics.
Delcat: 25 Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men.
Delcat: OH BOY, IT'S A SIDEWAYS JAB AT LOGIC AND KNOWLEDGE.
InkWeaver: OH GOD WHAT IS THIS
Delcat: As opposed to the hamfisted uppercuts throughout the rest of the tract.
Zeiss Manifold: I suppose lodging a bible in one's uterus WOULD downplay the libido, thank you.
InkWeaver: Wow, she really has slept around. She's got jizz coming out of her eyes.
Delcat: "Not me! Don't need it! Need ambulance! Meninges ripped like overpulled taffy! Help!"
Delcat: So the moral here is that you can fuck whoever you want and there will be no consequences if you convert? It'll just zap the HIV right outta you?
InkWeaver: I love how in the last panel, Rhino looks NOT like "Hey, I love Jesus now!" and rather like "IS THIS BOOK FOOD"
Delcat: Or maybe not, look at how her stomach is pooched out in the last panel. Somebody's running with a little pigskin!
Delcat: no seriously he is clearly hemorrhaging into his skull call a fucking ambulance
InkWeaver: BUT JESUS WILL SAVE HIM
Delcat: Heeeey, 2 Timothy 2:15 doesn't say ANYTHING about Truth for Youth. As a matter of fact...
Delcat: Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.
Delcat: Isn't that FOR logic and knowledge?
Zeiss Manifold: Oh whoops, that explains the quotes. We've been working from the KJV, they've been working from the TFY.
InkWeaver: Huh. Well.
Delcat: What does the TFY say, I wonder? Just INFORMATION IS BAD YOU'RE ALL WHORES over and over again?
InkWeaver: What conclusion have we come to, children?
Delcat: I've come to the conclusion that FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING LIEMONGERS AND SPREADERS OF FALSEHOOD FUCK YOU AND THE LOGS IN YOUR EYES
InkWeaver: Zeiss?
Zeiss Manifold: I learned that really, all of this could have been avoided if they had just called these guys:
Zeiss Manifold: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT DA CRABS ASSASSIN WOULD DO, HE WOULDN'T STAND FOR THIS
Delcat: What about you, Inky? What have you concluded?
InkWeaver: I learned similar to what Del learned, which goes something along the lines of:
InkWeaver: FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING LYING LIARS WHO FUCKING LIE A LOT
InkWeaver: also I learned it's okay to ignore cranial hemorrhaging
Delcat: Speaking of which, I think I blew out something in my frontal lobe over the condom thing. Can you guys help?
Zeiss Manifold: Sure. What did you have in mind?
Delcat: Gosh, Zeiss, I don't know. What have you learned is the proper response?
Zeiss Manifold:
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Delcat: ABSOLUTELY RIGHT i feel cold
Zeiss Manifold: Inky? Inky, are you still alive?
InkWeaver: I AM ALIVE
InkWeaver: suffering from hunger pangs
Delcat: Need a hand at all?
Zeiss Manifold: DID ALL THE WATER LEAVE YOUR BODY THROUGH CONDOMS

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And re: my comments on the first page regarding the original version of the “Pornography” one - You’d think it’d be the kind of thing that they’d just lock in a vault and keep hush about it forever, but no, they still actually have it on their site.

I'm still curious as to whether they think latex condoms won't protect them from viruses but that latex gloves will.

Or whether if they got a lab job, they'd be like "LOL, I don't need gloves. They won't stop this genetically modified strain of influenza from infecting me, cuz they're too porous." Or if they think gloves are made out of some magic, different material.

Oh wait, they're silly fundies. They don't believe in science unless it's to give them new iPods or talking bibles!

At least it's not as ludicrous as Hairy Polarity, in which the Dumbledore analog is literally named Doltus Dumbitdown. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

Bibles not Bullets

Waitwaitwait . . . .

Demons have teeth. The Harry Potter tract says so.

You need teeth to eat.

You eat to not die.

Therefore, teeth are an indication of mortality, and demons are mortal.

If demons are mortal, then we can kill them with bullets.



I think we all know what needs to be done. LOCK AND LOAD.

RIP AND TEAR.

I can actually explain the part about how women should wait until marriage Inky. It really just comes down to the fact that they had no paternity tests in those days, and men wanted to make sure that the children they raised and made their heirs were actually their children.

Because that was the society the Abrahamic religions were formed in, the concept was adapted into their religious texts. You'll find it in a few other religious texts too for the same reasons. It's less to do with what the deity wanted and more to do with what they needed at the times.

The TFY edition of the Bible is indeed the KJV version, I believe, only it has footnotes that "explain" certain passages that are written in antiquated language, and provides question sheets for teens to go over. I'm pretty sure, it has been a few years since I've seen one.

And you will notice that most groups like Focus on the Family, conservative groups, lean heavily on Paul, Revelations, and the stricter parts of the Old Testament while more liberal sects like the Episcopalian Church, lean more on the other Gospels.

tachikoma01 wrote:

I'm still curious as to whether they think latex condoms won't protect them from viruses but that latex gloves will.

I can answer that question, actually: Other anti-condom fundie propaganda states that latex gloves are ten times thicker than condoms because they're dipped multiple times in latex, whereas condoms are only dipped once. In other words, we're right back to RESEARCH?!.

Lysander wrote:

Demons have teeth. The Harry Potter tract says so.

You need
teeth to eat.

You eat to not die.

Therefore, teeth are
an indication of mortality, and demons are mortal.

If demons
are mortal, then we can kill them with bullets.

Maybe they have teeth for some other reason, like rending mortal flesh, or chewing souls and then spitting them back out? Or maybe they just LIKE eating, like some vampires and gods are portrayed? Or maybe they're purely cosmetic? ...or maybe they're for incubi and succubi as an occupational tool for rough sex?

In any case, wouldn't killing a demon be a moot point? You'd just be sending it back to where it came from, where presumably it could leave again. Clearly the answer is to sit down with them over brunch and talk about a common solution to our problems and have some lovely toast. Or biscuits, in the case of Patchies.

Lapin wrote:

I can actually explain the part about how women should wait until marriage Inky. It really just comes down to the fact that they had no paternity tests in those days, and men wanted to make sure that the children they raised and made their heirs were actually their children.

Because that was the society the Abrahamic religions were formed in, the concept was adapted into their religious texts. You'll find it in a few other religious texts too for the same reasons. It's less to do with what the deity wanted and more to do with what they needed at the times.

The TFY edition of the Bible is indeed the KJV version, I believe, only it has footnotes that "explain" certain passages that are written in antiquated language, and provides question sheets for teens to go over. I'm pretty sure, it has been a few years since I've seen one.

And you will notice that most groups like Focus on the Family, conservative groups, lean heavily on Paul, Revelations, and the stricter parts of the Old Testament while more liberal sects like the Episcopalian Church, lean more on the other Gospels.

Thank you for the explanation, Lapin. However, this is something I was at least tangentially aware of.

I still have never had an answer for the question of why this should apply to me now, in these times, when many of those problems do not apply.

Delcat wrote:

tachikoma01 wrote:

I'm still curious as to whether they think latex condoms won't protect them from viruses but that latex gloves will.

I can answer that question, actually: Other anti-condom fundie propaganda states that latex gloves are ten times thicker than condoms because they're dipped multiple times in latex, whereas condoms are only dipped once. In other words, we're right back to RESEARCH?!.

Lysander wrote:

Demons have teeth. The Harry Potter tract says so.

You need
teeth to eat.

You eat to not die.

Therefore, teeth are
an indication of mortality, and demons are mortal.

If demons
are mortal, then we can kill them with bullets.

Maybe they have teeth for some other reason, like rending mortal flesh, or chewing souls and then spitting them back out? Or maybe they just LIKE eating, like some vampires and gods are portrayed? Or maybe they're purely cosmetic? ...or maybe they're for incubi and succubi as an occupational tool for rough sex?

Yeah, Lysander, just because you don't respect their alternative lifestyle doesn't mean they're mortal.

I just read through this whole thread, I remember finding these long ago when I was linked to them by some random spammer who felt that they way of the lord was through huge eyes and tiny mouths.

They are just awful as I remember.

A millionth of an inch thick? That would make them 25.4 nanometres thick - over a thousand times thinner than a human hair, and maybe a few thousand atoms thick at most. Condoms must be made of super-strong, super-dense stuff, because a membrane 25.4nm thick ought to just blow away or evaporate on the slightest breeze. Quick back-of-the-envelope calculation: a condom should probably be able to withstand a 1kg weight (10N or so of force) hanging on it without breaking. Treating it as a cylinder with a diameter of around 2" (50mm), this gives a tensile stress when the weight is hung (hur hur) on it of 2.5 gigapascals (GPa). That's about as strong as steel piano wire. Wow.

Also, if we assume a condom weighs 10g (which might be an overestimate, but a Google search throws up something about a kilogram of latex making 100 condoms), that gives a density of around 25 million kilograms per cubic metre. Osmium, the densest element, has a density of around 23,000 kilograms per cubic metre at room temperature and normal pressure. The centre of the sun has a density of 150,000 kilograms per cubic metre; a white dwarf star has a density of 1,000 million kilograms per cubic metre. That's right; condoms are made of degenerate matter. Guess that makes sense.

Or maybe this tract informative pamphlet is just telling LYING LIES. Let's ask Wikipedia.

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Wikipedia wrote:

Polyurethane condoms tend to be the same width and thickness as latex condoms, with most polyurethane condoms between 0.04 mm and 0.07 mm thick.[27] Polyurethane is also the material of many female condoms.

That would be somewhat over a thousandth of an inch thick. Let's Google 'condom thickness'; similar results ensue. For example, Condom Depot's Best Condoms Reviewed gives thickness values between 0.00185" and 0.022". (That's between about 1/500 and 1/50 of an inch.)

InkWeaver wrote:

Thank you for the explanation, Lapin. However, this is something I was at least tangentially aware of.

I still have never had an answer for the question of why this should apply to me now, in these times, when many of those problems do not apply.

What it really comes down to is that admitting that these elements of Biblical law were social constructs rather than immutable moral principles straight from the finger of GOD HIMSELF is anathema to the fundamentalist mindset. Admitting that means admitting that any other part of the Bible might be open to societal bias!

And by fundie logic, that means you have to throw the whole thing out, because they're lazy and don't want to go through the effort of actually thinking about what they believe.

Comic logic: Condom companies purposely make condoms that don't work.

hooray for logic

Well if you accept fundie conclusions, such sinister intentions are quite common. Hasbro intentionally publishes satanic material in the form of Ouija boards and Dungeons and Dragons, and Avatar is part of a massive New Age conspiracy to erode Christianity.

It's not actually about making money.

Delcat wrote:

...or maybe they're for incubi and succubi as an occupational tool for rough sex?

No immortal creature would have a sex drive. Even pleasure implies a nervous system, which implies that they have a brain or something like it which we can put bullets in. You just can't be a demon and have anatomy. That's dumb. Either they are formless spirits composed of pure malevolence, or just a pack of spectacularly ugly critters who are just begging for someone with a dual-bladed chainsaw instead of a Bible to find them and fuck them up but good.

Heck, you could probably kill them with the Bible, too. It'd just take a good, solid blow to the base of the skull.

Quote :

In any case, wouldn't killing a demon be a moot point?

Only one way to find out. *pumps shotgun*

Chaltab wrote:

What it really comes down to is that admitting that these elements of Biblical law were social constructs rather than immutable moral principles straight from the finger of GOD HIMSELF is anathema to the fundamentalist mindset. Admitting that means admitting that any other part of the Bible might be open to societal bias!

And by fundie logic, that means you have to throw the whole thing out, because they're lazy and don't want to go through the effort of actually thinking about what they believe.

This. my father was rare amongst Pentecostal ministers in that he always insisted in separating actual Biblical precepts (things that were said by Christ himself) from things that were either holdovers from Old Testament Law or societal norms for the time the New Testament was written. As far as he was concerned, none of the Old Testament laws (with the exception of the Ten Commandment) had any bearing on Christians in the present day because the birth of Christ rendered them moot.

PFFT SKILLESS NOOB YOU NOSCOPE WITH SNIPER RIFLES WHEN YOU'RE THAT CLOSE

WHAT ARE YOU CAL-O

Rabid Badger wrote:

Chaltab wrote:

What it really comes down to is that admitting that these elements of Biblical law were social constructs rather than immutable moral principles straight from the finger of GOD HIMSELF is anathema to the fundamentalist mindset. Admitting that means admitting that any other part of the Bible might be open to societal bias!

And by fundie logic, that means you have to throw the whole thing out, because they're lazy and don't want to go through the effort of actually thinking about what they believe.

This. my father was rare amongst Pentecostal ministers in that he always insisted in separating actual Biblical precepts (things that were said by Christ himself) from things that were either holdovers from Old Testament Law or societal norms for the time the New Testament was written. As far as he was concerned, none of the Old Testament laws (with the exception of the Ten Commandment) had any bearing on Christians in the present day because the birth of Christ rendered them moot.

All of this Inky. Most of the very conservative Christian groups fail to put certain parts in the Bible in context. I'm pretty sure that they actually just don't understand the idea, not that they're denying it. For another example, the Great Flood. This was actually taken from earlier stories (As anyone who has read the Epic of Gilgamesh knows) by Jewish scholars to be a metaphor most likely. It is very likely that it was never meant to be taken literally, but unfortunately, people aren't too good at the whole metaphor thing (Exhibit B: A helluva lot of mythical creatures and the people who think they're real). So when they see this mandate that says that you shall not lie with anyone but your spouse, they don't put it in the context of the time, like, hey, maybe this one, like shellfish being forbidden, might be someone's opinion and not necessarily God's.

There's really nothing you can do about the idiots Inky, beyond tell them to go to a religious class.

I'm pretty sure there's a line from Jesus somewhere about nothing he said undoing any of God's previous laws.

No, you cannot has progressive religion. Not yours.