The Truth For Youth: These Are Your Tracts On Animu

Delcat: So I hear you found a site with more porno comics, huh Zeiss?
Zeiss Manifold: Oh yeah. You wouldn't believe this stuff.
Delcat: C'mon, what couldn't I believe? Is it more Nyar or something?
Zeiss Manifold: Well, let me just pick one at random...

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Look, Rule 34 of Cyber Seduction!...I think.
Delcat: A very young genderswapped lesbian Gene Simmons.
Delcat: That...is a very butch girl, right?
Zeiss Manifold: Jesse: "The monster called Pornography is attacking the city!"
Zeiss Manifold: Marty: DURR NAKED LADIES HURR
Zeiss Manifold: "Marty" is fitting. Her CPU looks like it's hit 88 mph.
Delcat: "Webserver." Ow. Ow. Technology fail. Painful. Ow.
Zeiss Manifold: there's a webserver on the internets machine
Delcat: For posterity, the "soccer site" they were "viewing":
Delcat: Ugh, the set-up's perfect for the GOOFY TIME meme but everyone hates that one. WHY MUST THERE BE THE TEMPTATION FOR UNFUNNY JOKES?
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 2: The Bible contains a porn site directory? Whuh?
Delcat: Dude, the Song of Solomon is all ABOUT porn. Seriously, they skim over that one in Sunday School for a reason.
Zeiss Manifold: more like dong of solomon amirite
Delcat: Hey, man, he had over 700 wives. Dude had to have SOMETHIN' goin' on.
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 4:
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Zeiss Manifold: Though, given the choice between being stuck watching my friend look at porn or being caught in a type 1a supernova, I'd spring for the porn.
Delcat: ...guess what I'm doing RIGHT NOW :3
Zeiss Manifold: Del...you're not piling matter onto white dwarf stars again, forcing their masses to exceed the Chandrasekhar limit and igniting a massive fusion explosion, are you?
Delcat: Oh yeah, dude. IN MY PANTS.
Zeiss Manifold: THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT

Spoiler:

Delcat: Zeiss...this is a cautionary tale about the dangers of letting your computer get bogged down with porn spiders and spyware, right? ...right?
Zeiss Manifold: Uh...MORAL spyware, I guess.
Delcat: Huh. You know, Googling "Eden Girlies" actually brings up no porn whatsoever. It actually brings up a large number of college sites and an accessory store.
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 1: HEAD IS BROCCOLI
Zeiss Manifold: Panel 2: NOW IT'S NOT
Zeiss Manifold: Third panel:
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Delcat: Cheap thrills, these kids. They should just search "tiger" on monkey-search-for-kids.net, THAT'S where the money is.
Delcat: or should I say MONKEY
Zeiss Manifold: Don’t they know you gotta search for “monkey”, hey hey?
Delcat: Marty's face is stuck in a permanent horrified rictus/horse laugh/mouthbreathe. No wonder he has to rely on porn.
Zeiss Manifold: I'm thinking that this is going to turn into a sermon on retinal damage. Geez, man, put some mylar over that thing.
Delcat: Hey man, not cool. NOT cool. ...my mom was attacked by Saran Wrap while I was in the womb.
Zeiss Manifold: ...Your mom is Roy Orbison?
Delcat: I SAID I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT
Delcat: Ah, there ain't no gentlemen that's fit for any use, and any girl will touch your privates for a deuce, and even kids'll kick your shins and give you sass--nobody's got no class.
Delcat: ...that's the vibe we're going for here, right? Ruination, is that the thing? Death of innocence?
Delcat: 'Cause I must say it's not really doing it for me.
Zeiss Manifold: LET'S FIND OUT

Spoiler:

Delcat: My white matter isn't feelin' very compressed, is all I'm sayin'
Zeiss Manifold: Last panel: i'm a dirty christian on a dirty bible team
Delcat: No, seriously, s/he needs to get that checked out. She looks like she's being electrocuted. Is there a plug loose on that thing?
Zeiss Manifold: ...Oh my god he really is like the butchest guy ever. I honestly didn't see that until now.
Zeiss Manifold: Serpent: "You ever looked at this fruit, man? I mean really looked at it?"
Delcat: "Hey, I'll admit to that, conveniently denying any chance to refute the bias of the statement!"
Zeiss Manifold: I like how it almost insinuates that Eve was kicked out for checkin' the K. Haruha in her spare time.
Delcat: Except K. Haruka didn't exist back then...OR DID SHE??
Zeiss Manifold: Seeing as how Adam and Eve were responsible for naming all the invisicocks, I think there's a chance.
Delcat: Serpent: You've got to admit it's a bit of a pantomime, though. I mean, pointing out the Tree and saying 'Don't Touch' in big letters. Not very subtle, is it? I mean, why not put it on top of a high mountain or a long way off? Makes you wonder what He's really planning.
Delcat: Marty: STAY OUT OF THIS CROWLEY
Zeiss Manifold: Maybe this comic will turn into Queen's Greatest Hits if we leave it out in the Chevy.
Delcat: Wait...wait, I think I got it. The Apple? Actually a Banana.
Zeiss Manifold: ...Actually, now you’ve got me hoping that this comic turns into this now.
Delcat: I hope it turns into Good Omens. Hell, I hope it turns into Good Omens fanfic, even. Even then it'd at least suck in a slashy way.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Panel 4: "Manos loves women! You will grow up to be a woman!"
Zeiss Manifold: The notion that someone out there is purposely making porn movies of obscure Bible stories is my favorite thing about this, really.
Delcat: MARTY FINALLY MANAGES TO CLOSE HER MOUTH, HUZZAH
Delcat: Now begins the long mouth-breathing recovery program. She begins physical therapy Wednesday. Prescription? MORE PORN!
Zeiss Manifold: You can see he's struggling to keep it shut, though.
Delcat: Okay, I'll bite. Let's see, SafeSearch is off...
Zeiss Manifold: "Galatians 5:19, 22". So there are two passages in the Bible about...things being serious, I guess.
Delcat: ...five hits for Bathsheba's Bad Bathing Babes, and they all refer to...THIS COMIC??
Zeiss Manifold:
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Delcat: BROKEN FOURTH WALL FETISH? NOW THAT'S KINKY!
Delcat: Lemme try "Bathsheba"...nope, Bible sites telling me to convert.
Delcat: P.S. I like Marty. She's snarky and full of win. Is she this comic's Fang?
Zeiss Manifold: Marty: "GOD I HATE YOU! YOU'RE PREACHY AND YOU WEAR THAT DAMN FOOTBALL OUTFIT EVERYWHERE AND IT SMELLS LIKE STALE CAP'N CRUNCH AND IT'S ALL CRUSTY AND SHIT UGH"
Delcat: Seriously, why did she even invite him over? Is...this is a pity date, isn't it?
Delcat: This is because he refuses to admit that she's a lesbian, isn't it?
Delcat: He's been making sweaty, awkward advances on her all night long so in desperation she's finally going "LOOK I LIKE GIRLS LOOK AT ME LOOKING AT TITS"
Delcat: And he STILL ISN'T GETTING IT
Zeiss Manifold: Would that make all the weird purple blotches everywhere count as symbolism?
Delcat: Oh, is that what that is? I thought a Game Cube just dropped.
Delcat: P.S.S. personally I would argue that the subtle sexism pervading popular culture is much more damaging to the way people treat the opposite sex, male OR female, than porn. But Wulfie has taught me well.
Zeiss Manifold: Now we just have to Google "Wulfie" with the Safesearch off, and the cycle will be complete.

Spoiler:

Zeiss Manifold: Comic says porn turns men into rape machines, science says it doesn't, film at 11.
Delcat: So, uh...we're going to drop the stupid porn thing now and focus on how having an abusive father can ruin your life, right? ...right?
Delcat: I mean, he just said all women were worthless right in front of his daughter. That's harsh, dude.
Zeiss Manifold: ...And now you've gone and reminded me of this article.
Zeiss Manifold: THIS IS A SNARK WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ALL ACADEMICAL AND SHIT
Zeiss Manifold: WHAT HAS THIS COMIC DONE TO US
Delcat: Hugh Flintner...are they trying to make a sly mash-up of pornmonger names and failing horribly?
Delcat: DON'T LOOK AT ME MAN I'M MAKIN' REFS TO CGI CARTOONS FROM 1993 HERE
Delcat: ...and walking home alone in the middle of the night, he's raped and killed. Really, what ARE you trying to teach your kids? Porn is bad, but wandering around in the middle of the night is okay?
Zeiss Manifold: Is Marty's family really that bad off? They've got a fucking Dorian column in their doorway.
Delcat: Oh, they're fine money-wise. They're just ripped apart because of THE PORN.
Delcat: Psssht, the lady fought back and didn't rip out his earrings first off? What ARE they teaching kids these days?
Delcat: What's with the silhouette in Panel 2? Did the baker lose the butcher and the candlestick maker during the bar crawl?

Spoiler:

Delcat: "Marty's involvement with pornography is just a symptom, Jesse--"
Delcat: "That's right! He needs Jesus!"
Delcat: "Uh, what? No, I was talking about her terrible home life. I'm calling CPS in the morning."
Zeiss Manifold: "...She even burned her porn to CD-R and labeled it "Virgin Vaginas"! Something's wrong with that girl!"
Delcat: Uh, I don't think there's actually a verse in the Bible about Internet porn addiction, actually. I mean I know I don't read it as much as I used to, but I just have this feeling.
Zeiss Manifold: Why is the Bible glowing? I'm asking not only because bibleluminescence is rare irl, but 'cause glowing seems to be synonymous with sleaze in this comic and I think whatever message they were trying to portray here has backfired.
Delcat: Dang, if the middle panels were set up differently they'd be a great reaction cap for new recruits reading the Gaffapedia for the first time.
Delcat: Nah, it's just a Kindle. They bought one and refuse to install anything but the Bible on it.
Delcat: Seriously, there's a porn addiction hotline but no hotline for kids in bad home situations? FAIL.
Zeiss Manifold: ...I have some background on this thing, actually. From what I gather, these are older than they look - the HOW TO DRAW MANGA EASY art is only in the newest edition. I don't know what the old version looked like, but apparently everyone's races were reversed as well. So yeah.
Delcat: Eeeeeeeeeeech. That's a So Yeah AND a What.
Delcat: And in the end, the Bible bleaches their skin white as snow!
Zeiss Manifold: And what's more disappointing, the cartoon version of Static Shock opted to cut this arc.
Delcat: Wow, what a mess of misplaced morals. At least it's over.
Zeiss Manifold: Yep. You know what this means?
Delcat: Porn?
Zeiss Manifold: In a roundabout way, yes. A Roundupabout way, in particular.
Delcat: I like the cut of your jib, mister.
Zeiss Manifold: LAST ONE THERE IS A ROTTEN DONG

Oh boy, I remember seeing this years ago. Who knew the Bible had passages about Internet pornography? I certainly didn't.

I remember these, I posted them on GAFF. Jeez, they haven't gotten any better with time.

Yeah, Del, I'm with you. If anything the Bible promotes sex and lots of it. "Populate the Earth" and all that nonsense. I think it was really just Paul who was a bit nutty, and since he was a born-again, that's not such a surprise.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry at this.

INTERNET PORN MAKES CHILDREN GO OUT AND COMMIT RAPE.

I'm not bible studier but what is the bible's thoughts on yaoi rape?

Dick Powers wrote:

INTERNET PORN MAKES CHILDREN GO OUT AND COMMIT RAPE.

I'm not bible studier but what is the bible's thoughts on yaoi rape?

It's perfectly okay so long as it's het, I think.

myeerah wrote:

Dick Powers wrote:

INTERNET PORN MAKES CHILDREN GO OUT AND COMMIT RAPE.

I'm not bible studier but what is the bible's thoughts on yaoi rape?

It's perfectly okay so long as it's het, I think.

Internet porn makes you go out and rape women and the bible is okay with raping women, ergo the bible condones internet porn.

Dick Powers wrote:

II'm not bible studier but what is the bible's thoughts on yaoi rape?

Depends.

Quote :

And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife; Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife. And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her.
(Deuteronomy 21:11-14)

Quote :

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.
(Deuteronomy 22:23-24)

Quote :

But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die.
(Deuteronomy 22:25)

It's Not Rape If You Enjoyed It.

Quote :

If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.
(Deuteronomy 22:28-29)

"If you have problems with pornography..."

Yeah, I'm having a bit of trouble with this porn here? I just can't seem to get it to download. I've been trying for the good part of an hour here, and it just doesn't seem to work.

Lapin wrote:

I remember these, I posted them on GAFF. Jeez, they haven't gotten any better with time.

Yeah, Del, I'm with you. If anything the Bible promotes sex and lots of it. "Populate the Earth" and all that nonsense. I think it was really just Paul who was a bit nutty, and since he was a born-again, that's not such a surprise.

I believe it was Paul who made the remark about how it was better to marry than to burn (i.e., better to marry someone you didn't necessarily love than burn with lust). So I wouldn't be inclined to take his advice too seriously (apparently, the idea of remaining celibate never occurred to him).

Dick Powers wrote:

INTERNET PORN MAKES CHILDREN GO OUT AND COMMIT RAPE.

I know you're being facetious here, but watching porn all the time doesn't exactly leave a person with the healthiest or most informed ideas about sex and love. Young teenagers definitely shouldn't be allowed to surf around looking at it for hours on end.

Rabid Badger wrote:

Lapin wrote:

I remember these, I posted them on GAFF. Jeez, they haven't gotten any better with time.

Yeah, Del, I'm with you. If anything the Bible promotes sex and lots of it. "Populate the Earth" and all that nonsense. I think it was really just Paul who was a bit nutty, and since he was a born-again, that's not such a surprise.

I believe it was Paul who made the remark about how it was better to marry than to burn (i.e., better to marry someone you didn't necessarily love than burn with lust). So I wouldn't be inclined to take his advice too seriously (apparently, the idea of remaining celibate never occurred to him).

He was...he was quite fanatic, wasn't he? He was the apostle that all the other apostles were like "Dude, calm down." with, but he just got frothier and rage-ier. I personally think he was like those conservatives who bash gays and everything else under the Sun, and then turn out to be the kinkiest adulterer in the room.

Only he never actually fulfilled his wants and just went crazier with repression.

Just a theory.

Yep, Paul was Stop Having Fun Guy.

Why do I expect the last panel, first page, to end with "That's right boys... IT'S RAPE TIME!"?

Cyberwulf wrote:

Dick Powers wrote:

INTERNET PORN MAKES CHILDREN GO OUT AND COMMIT RAPE.

I know you're being facetious here, but watching porn all the time doesn't exactly leave a person with the healthiest or most informed ideas about sex and love. Young teenagers definitely shouldn't be allowed to surf around looking at it for hours on end.

Case in point: Chris-Chan.

Lapin wrote:

He was...he was quite fanatic, wasn't he? He was the apostle that all the other apostles were like "Dude, calm down." with, but he just got frothier and rage-ier. I personally think he was like those conservatives who bash gays and everything else under the Sun, and then turn out to be the kinkiest adulterer in the room.

Only he never actually fulfilled his wants and just went crazier with repression.

Just a theory.

Famous (maybe apocryphal) Sun headline: "TRANNY TORY IN KINKY FISHNET DEATH RIDDLE"

Also, I want to put this out there- shame about the art. This guy could probably go work in the comic book industry if he'd just get the fuck over himself.

Cyberwulf wrote:

...watching porn all the time doesn't exactly leave a person with the healthiest or most informed ideas about sex and love. Young teenagers definitely shouldn't be allowed to surf around looking at it for hours on end.

I agree with you--porn is not something you should spend anything like all your time with, especially when you're young and impressionable. Still, though, most of popular culture "doesn't exactly leave a person with the healthiest or most informed ideas about sex and love," especially the parts of it aimed at young teens--Twilight, anyone?

Really what it boils down to, in my mind, is the need for stable, healthy relationships with people you can talk to, like your parents or good, decent close friends, for the development of a good bullshit filter.

Where's the one where Madonna Dahmer and the Stormtroopers sing...

Sweet dreams are made of pleas,
I will force you to eat moldy cheese,
Come with me, be a rebel,
For I am god and also the devil,

Your face is gross,
You eat white toast,
You don't know what to do!

Or some shit.

Ask and ye shall receive:

The most ridiculous lyrics EVER

HEY HEY WE'RE GONNA GET TO THAT IN DUE TIME

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

HEY HEY WE'RE GONNA GET TO THAT IN DUE TIME

Hey, I'm looking forward to y'all snarking that horrible thing.

Aw, MAN. I love Truth for Youth!
My favorite is the Harry Potter one, wherein a young boy cannot read Harry Potter with his perpetually slang-using girlfriend (NO DIGGITY), because he will be KILL BY DEMONS. His parents tell him this. Yes, really.

Here is the link to the parts not featured on the website proper.

I'll get around to snarking it if I have time.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Dick Powers wrote:

INTERNET PORN MAKES CHILDREN GO OUT AND COMMIT RAPE.

I know you're being facetious here, but watching porn all the time doesn't exactly leave a person with the healthiest or most informed ideas about sex and love. Young teenagers definitely shouldn't be allowed to surf around looking at it for hours on end.

The fact that they don't say "Looking at porn all the time is bad!" and instead make it "IF YOU EVER SEE SOMETHING RELATED TO PORN AND THINK OF SEX THEN YOU'RE GOING TO BECOME A HORRIBLE PERSON!" makes it horrible.

Toastuh wrote:

Aw, MAN. I love Truth for Youth!
My favorite is the Harry Potter one, wherein a young boy cannot read Harry Potter with his perpetually slang-using girlfriend (NO DIGGITY), because he will be KILL BY DEMONS. His parents tell him this. Yes, really.

Here is the link to the parts not featured on the website proper.

I'll get around to snarking it if I have time.

Well, at least it's SLIGHTLY more realistic than Chick tracts on the whole "Ha ha, fuck you former friends, I got Jesus! Have fun in heeeeellllll!" At least the girl actually feels bad about leaving her unsaved friends behind.

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...what.

Seule wrote:

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...what.

That's technically true for lambskin condoms (or whatever the hell kind of animal they were made of back in the day,) but, seriously. Fuck this guy.