"Why... so... Ed, Edd, and Eddy?" In which Double D goes on a killing spree and rapes Marie.

I haven’t snarked in a while, and with all the wank going on, I think it’s time for…

HORRIFIED NOSTALGIA HOUR

With your host, InkWeaver!

For this edition of Horrified Nostalgia Hour, I’ll be bringing you a serving from the Ed, Edd, and Eddy fandom – called Dead ed walking, which I at first thought was a troll but now sort of think might be for real. Which is sad.

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I was sitting in my room on my chair with the light off listening to some sad music I found on my ipod. My name is Eddward. Or has my friends (eye twiched) call me Double D. My life is a living nightmare. Everyone in the Cul-de-sac treats me like shit. I pulled a handgun out form my pocket and placed it on my temple. I closed my eyes. I began to cry.

“Fuck man, I can’t fucking do it – ”
PUSSY OOOOOOOOOOUT
(like a boss)

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I soon threw the gun on to my bed. A month ago it was my 18 birthday and you know what everyone came (ex the Kankers). I almost felt wanted. My shoulder twiched when I started to remember. It was on Fedruary 6th.

Apparently, in this fic, Double D has a twitch a la the Joker in The Dark Knight.

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I put the last of the decorations up and waited. Soon Eddy and Ed showed up in there normal clothing. Then everyone soon followed in order. Jimmy, Sarah, Kevin, Johnny, Rolf, and finally Nazz. Everything was nice until I started opening my gifts. I got some wierd ones. Then I reached Kevin's When I opened it. It turned out to be a mustard bomb. Mustard went all over me everyone even Ed, eddy and Nazz Started to laugh. The memories were painful.

If anything were to make Double D go on a psychotic killing spree (oops spoiler), I think it actually probably would be the horror of getting mustard stains out of his clothes.

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"Ok hears the plan we are going to do everyones homework for a week." He said. "Got it Eddy." Ed said. "Thats very generous of you Eddy to take away your weekend to help." I said smiling. "Oh Sockhead when I say we I mean you. While me and Ed get jawbreakers." He shouted. I was filled with anger.

No, Double D, that’s the cereal you ate earlier. You forgot you were lactose intolerant. Calm down.

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Then I went blank I was remembering all the times Eddy made me or blamed me on a scam. "When I mean we I mean you and Ed." or like "Good job Double D if you only holded on we would be eating jawbreakers right now." Eddy screamed.

I know that Eddy’s kind of a loon, but even he’s not this grammatically incorrect.

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"Double D here well do your homework for only 25 cenaaahhhs." Eddy scream has I jammed my dagger into his back. Every stared at me in disbelief. Ed backed up. "Its about time I shut that big mouth of yours." I whispered in his ear. "Don't worry Eddy I'll make the pain go away." I said has a slitted his throat.

“It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.”

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I droped Eddy's bloodly, lifeless body. "Hay everyone

HAY

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does anyone know what happens when a electric pole explodes?" I yelled. "It makes a electric pulse that shut down all electrical items. Like ipods, DS, and cell phones."

Uuuuuh. No it doesn’t.

Seriously, Double D. You need some sleep or something. You’re not at the top of your game right now.

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"What did I do?" He screamed. "Let me see." I twiched. Then I shoved his face into the toilet. "Remember your little friendship day when you made everyone hate us." I said then I grab the wrench in my jacket and slamed it over the top of his head. The bubbles stoped coming out. I let him go and walked out ready for my next kill.

'Sorry Jimmy but the only reason you died quick and painless is because you help me when I became the school bully." A tear of joy ran down my face. Remembering when I kick the crap out of a few of my friends.

Beating Jimmy over the head with a wrench – hm. Well, it’s something I wanted to do in some of the episodes, but maybe… not… to this extent.

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"Johnny you and that piece of wood are going to burn in hell." I yelled as I ran at him with my dagger.

Then out of nowhere a shovel slamed into my head. "Run johnny 2x4 Rolf will hold off Double D head boy." Rolf said has he step out form around the corner. Johnny jumped out a near by window. Rolf stood in some sort of warrior pose.

YEAH THAT’S IT ROLF KICK HIS ASS LIKE YOU KICK EVERYONE’S ASSES

(okay so rolf was my favorite on the show when I was twelve ‘cause he was so weird DON’T JUDGE ME)

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Rolf pulled out a huge hammer. "What is that Rolf" I ask scaried. "The hat of discipline. Do you live in a cave." He slam it on me. Then yet again he slamed that shovel into my face sending me flying.

Now this is more like it! REE REE REE KICK HIM IN THE KNEE

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I look at Rolf who was charging at me.

That’s it, Rolf! Now slap him and scream “That’s my horse!”

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"Sorry Rolf." I said grabbing his shovel. "Go to hell Double D ed boy." Was his last words before I slamed the shovel over his head repeatedly savoring every swing. His brain and blood spattering all over me.

ROLF ROLF HE’S OUR MAN, IF HE CAN’T DO IT NOBO – oh goddammit

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I drag her into a cave when she awoke. "Where am I" She said in a dumb fashion. "Sorry May I can't say much but tell me where everyone else is." Told her nicely. She spat in my face. "No you bastard." I then grabbed the nail clipper and jammed it into her mouth. She started to cry when I started to pull out one of her teeth. She started to scream now.

This is, like, the Tuxedo Mark of torture.

At 3:35, I pulled out her left molar.
At 3:36, I told her to shut the fuck up.
At 3:37, I wiped the sweat from my brow.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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She fired 2 more times. The first completely missed but the other got me in the right knee. "That bitch." I whaled

Hey, hey, hey, HEY, mister. Whaling is illegal.

THINK OF THE WHALES, DOUBLE D

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But I did not even touch hher skin but I cutted off her black top. Revealing her black bra she blushed as I removed my jacket. "Wha... are... you do..ing?" She said now staring at me. "I think you deserve some attention before... well you know." I said getting into the bed.

“I’ll have sex with you before I brutally murder you. ‘Kay?”

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I then kissed her on the lips and shoved my tongue into her mouth. Soon she began to kiss back moaning.

“KAY.”

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"Be gentle." She whispered. "Nope." I whispered into her ear yet again. Then I slammed it into her she screamed in pain. I was merciless as I kept slamming it into her frail body. The more she screamed for me to stop the more it encourage me to continue. Blood ran down our legs. Soon the cries of pain became moans of joy. I never throught I could have so much fun form the girl that ruined my childhood. The next hour was me savagely exploring her body. Until I reached my climax.

“Um, Double D, we all sort of thought you were a closet homosexual.”

“What, are you kidding? Rape! I love rape! Raping women! Lots of my dick inside of WOMEN!”

“This… doesn’t really prove anything, you know.”

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We spent the next 10 minutes laying under the covers holding each other. Until I got up and started putting on my clothes. I check to see if Marie was wake. "Marie are you wake?" No response. I grab my dagger and place it on her temple. She sliently whimpered. I couldn't do it. Instead of endding her I kissed one last time before I took off.

Hahaha, the word “ending” has two “d”s because it’s Double D, right? That’s awesome.

I mean – uh, rape. Right.

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"Dork, Double Dweeb." Memories of Kevin beating us up and calling us dork all the time.

Heaven FORBID he had called them “poopy-head” or “butt-face.” I think Double D would’ve got his hands on a flamethrower and lasers in that case.

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I broke through the window. They both stared at me locking the door. "Good evening ladies." I said. "Double D what are you doing here?" Nazz ask. "ED!" Sarah scream. Then I heard banging at the door. "Double D if you touch Sarah I'll kill you." Ed said. "Same goes for Nazz." Johnny said. "Double D please don't." Nazz begged.

I picked up Ed's greys horn demon thing on his desk and pulled the string. "Sorry girls love hurts." I let the string go and it spitted out flames burning those 2. "Burn baby burn." Then the door was smash to the ground revealing Johnny and Ed.

BURN BABY BURN

DISCO INFERNO

Why does Ed have something like that laying around anyway?

Oh, right, his wall is full of sponges and his bathtub is full of gravy. Why do I ask.

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A year later.

Two cops stood at a door and knock. Double D open the door. "What do you 2 want." I said anger in my voice. The one with black hair spoke. "We know that you murder those kids a year ago." The one with brown spoke. "Yeah so you should confessed right now." "Drake, Carl can you 2 please leave me alone." I told them.

"We will be back." Drake said walking off. "Yeah lets go check that farmer kids house again." They drove off.

“Did you do it?”

“Nope.”

“No, you totally did it.”

“Did not.”

“No, seriously.”

“I didn’t. I totally didn’t.”

“C’mon, you suuuure you don’t want to confess? You REALLY sure?”

“Totally didn’t. Promise.”

“Welp. Okay.”

THIS IS HOW LAW ENFORCEMENT WORKS

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"Hows Paix." I ask her. She slimed. "Hes ok but I'm getting lonely." She said walking up to the bedroom. "This is the best year of my life." I said pulling a jar out of my closet with 10 eyes in it. "Coming." Marie said. I threw it back in. "Yes I am." I slimed

I sort of imagine them opening their mouths and a bunch of green goop leaks out as they talk.

Double D: “Wanna know how I got this hat? My father was....a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the barber scissors to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the scissors to her, laughing while he does it. Turns to my hair and says “Why… so… serious?" Comes at my head with the scissors. "Why… so… serious?" He sticks the blades on my hair. "Let’s put a bald spot on that head!”’

Inky wrote:

Double D: “Wanna know how I got this hat? My father was....a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the barber scissors to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the scissors to her, laughing while he does it. Turns to my hair and says “Why… so… serious?" Comes at my head with the scissors. "Why… so… serious?" He sticks the blades on my hair. "Let’s put a bald spot on that head!”’

I'd spend all night calling you awesome for this bit and for other things, but I have to go to sleep.

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HORRIFIED NOSTALGIA HOUR YAY

Well, it sure looks like someone was trying to be EDGY here.
OR SHOULD I SAY...EDDGY?

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I haven't been on fanfic for a while. So I'm starting my return with one or possibly the creepiest Ed edd n eddy story ever writen.

Which is a bit like saying that something is the sexiest Kratt's Creatures fic ever written, but I digress.

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My name is Eddward.

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While Eddy is a loud mouth, egotastic, greedy jerk you cares for no one. I want to shoot him between the balls.

"I BLAME EDDY'S TAINT FOR ALL OF THIS"

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Then I reached Kevin's When I opened it. It turned out to be a mustard bomb. Mustard went all over me everyone even Ed, eddy and Nazz Started to laugh. The memories were painful.

What, was there a garage sale at the Kids Next Door fic two blocks down?

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I then grabbed the nail clipper and jammed it into her mouth. She started to cry when I started to pull out one of her teeth. She started to scream now.

We've secretly replaced Marie with a pile of Hadrosaur teeth. Let's see if anyone notices.

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I jammed the sharp steak like plank into Johnny mouth cramming down his throat.

Edd: IT'S E. COLI TIME
Johnny: NO DOUBLE D NO

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She said walking up to the bedroom. "This is the best year of my life." I said pulling a jar out of my closet with 10 eyes in it. "Coming." Marie said. I threw it back in. "Yes I am." I slimed

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I seriously can't even parse half of this. Honestly, we'd be better off if this whole thing was in Rolf-speak.

I WONDER WHAT WILL BE ON THE NEXT HORRIFIED NOSTALGIA HOUR
PERHAPS A COW & CHICKEN SUICIDE PACT!?

Christmas is here! Inky's posting snarks!

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I want to put a bullet between his eyes.

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I want to shoot him between the balls.

Just let that sink in for a minute.

Nihilist wrote:

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I want to put a bullet between his eyes.

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I want to shoot him between the balls.

Just let that sink in for a minute.

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I WANT TO READ HIM BETWEEN THE LIONS

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My name is Eddward.

Pretty sure it's not. Then his nickname would have been Eddd.

Awesome snark, btw.

God, why does the Ed, Edd, and Eddy fandom fail so hard?

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I haven't been on fanfic for a while. So I'm starting my return with one or possibly the creepiest Ed edd n eddy story ever writen

Was it about here that you realized this needed to go into New Releases?

(I'll snark this later, now I need to sleep)

Mr.Doobie wrote:

God, why does the Ed, Edd, and Eddy fandom fail so hard?

Srsly. This was one of the fandoms I hung around back in the day purely for the snark MiSTing value (it was a LONG time ago). The soppy yaoi was the BEST of it. I remember an angstfic with Rolf getting a steel pipe jammed through his liver by a serial killer, I remember a fic where Double D was turned into a vampire and went on another gory killing spree, I remember Double D cutter fic after Double D cutter fic...I think the worst of the lot was a PWP where all the Eds raped Nazz, punched her in the stomach as they left, and ended with Eddy saying, "Good luck with the baby." That one made the one decent writer, who WAS a rape victim, cry, IIRC. It just...fail. So much freaking fail in one fandom, it's amazing.

And yet, you make it delightful, Inky<3 Let's have a look at this steaming pile.

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I was sitting in my room on my chair with the light off listening to some sad music I found on my ipod.

Tom Smith: I will never regret and I'll never forget what we had...I miss you, Dad...this boy and his frog...
Edd: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE US JIM HENSON WHYYYYYYYY *BAAAAAAAAAAAAW*

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I started to remember how I came to this horrible place. Back in my old
town everyone respected me for my intelligence. But here I'm mocked for
it.

Edd: It wasn't like this at my old school!
Phoebe: Tell me about it.

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It was on Fedruary 6th.

It...there's a unique and beautiful kind of terrible in managing to misspell "February" while still remembering the "r". Beautiful. This is the stuff snarker's dreams are made of.

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Then I reached Kevin's When I opened it. It turned out to be a mustard bomb.

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Mustard gas has extremely powerful vesicant effects on its victims. Additionally, it is strongly mutagenic and carcinogenic, due to its alkylating properties. It is also lipophilic.
Because people exposed to mustard gas rarely suffer immediate symptoms,
and mustard-contaminated areas may appear completely normal, victims
can unknowingly receive high dosages. However, within 6 to 24 hours of
exposure to mustard agent, victims experience intense itching and skin
irritation which gradually turns into large blisters filled with yellow
fluid wherever the mustard agent contacted the skin. These are chemical burns and they are very debilitating. If the victim's eyes were exposed then they become sore, starting with conjunctivitis,
after which the eyelids swell, resulting in temporary blindness.
According to the Medical Management of Chemical Casualties handbook,
there have been experimental cases in humans where the patient has
suffered miosis, or pinpointing of pupils, as a result of the cholinomimetic activity of mustard.[citation needed] At very high concentrations, if inhaled, mustard agent causes bleeding and blistering within the respiratory system, damaging mucous membranes and causing pulmonary edema. Depending on the level of contamination, mustard gas burns can vary between first and second degree burns, though they can also be every bit as severe, disfiguring and dangerous as third degree burns[3].
Severe mustard gas burns (i.e. where more than 50% of the victim's skin
has been burned) are often fatal, with death occurring after some days
or even weeks have passed. Mild or moderate exposure to mustard agent
is unlikely to kill, though victims invariably require lengthy periods
of medical treatment and convalescence before recovery is complete. The mutagenic and carcinogenic effects of mustard agent mean that victims who recover from mustard gas burns have an increased risk of developing cancer in later life.

Kevin: ...did it for teh lulz? :D
Nazz: MY EEEEEEYES

No, Del. Keep reading. It says "mustard went everywhere and was all over my clothes" or something. Meaning it contained mustard. Not mustard gas. Like, actual mustard.

But if I pay attention to context, stuff isn't as funny [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] DIDN'T YOU EVER READ MISTINGS WRITTEN IN THE LATE NINETIES??

Delcat wrote:

Mr.Doobie wrote:

God, why does the Ed, Edd, and Eddy fandom fail so hard?

I remember a fic where Double D was turned into a vampire and went on another gory killing spree,

Snap Goes the Edd? Yeah, that will forever be the creepiest Ed, Edd, and Eddy fic I ever read.

Lol, I just now looked for it (Snap Goes the Edd, I mean)and it was deleted. So here is a quote courtesy of the wayback machine:

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Jimmy’s perfectly manicured pink fingernails dug into the tender flesh on DoubleD’s hips as he thrust back inside DoubleD’s abused entrance with a groan. “Go Jimmy! GO!” Kevin hooted from the side lines

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Lol, I just now looked for it (Snap Goes the Edd, I mean)and it was deleted. So here is a quote courtesy of the wayback machine:

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Jimmy’s perfectly manicured pink fingernails dug into the tender flesh on DoubleD’s hips as he thrust back inside DoubleD’s abused entrance with a groan. “Go Jimmy! GO!” Kevin hooted from the side lines

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"GREASED LIGHTNIN'! GO, GREASED LIGHTNIN'!"

*ahem*

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So if you don't like character death...

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Sorry, I've been wanting to use that smiley for a long time.

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A month ago it was my 18 birthday and you know what everyone came buckets*

*Fixed.

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Soon Eddy and Ed showed up in there normal clothing. Then everyone soon followed in order...

They, however, were all wearing booty shorts and fake mustaches. (nothing else)

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The memories were painful. Then I got up and opened my closet revealing a few items. I grad a few. 1 bagger, 1 wierd looking grenade made form a soup can and gun powder, 5 custom made shurikens, and a leather jacket containing a wrench and some rope. Finally I grad my gun and sat back down.

It's beautiful fics like this that make saying "OOC" seem very redundant.

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I was filled with anger.

But the real question is, was he filled with MALICE?

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"Hay everyone

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"Hay everyone does anyone know what happens when a electric pole explodes?" I yelled. "It makes a electric pulse that shut down all electrical items. Like ipods, DS, and cell phones."

The only weakness in my plan is that it doesn't. Let's hope they don't know that.

Double D is the one all the lonely, misunderstood nerds empathise with. Makes sense his fans are a little deranged.

*loved me some Double D back in the day*

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Delcat wrote:

Mr.Doobie wrote:

God, why does the Ed, Edd, and Eddy fandom fail so hard?

I remember a fic where Double D was turned into a vampire and went on another gory killing spree,

Snap Goes the Edd? Yeah, that will forever be the creepiest Ed, Edd, and Eddy fic I ever read.

Turns out it's one of the topics from GAFF I saved in .txt format. Horrified nostalgia hour, indeed.

Mr.Doobie wrote:

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"Hay everyone does anyone know what happens when a electric pole explodes?" I yelled. "It makes a electric pulse that shut down all electrical items. Like ipods, DS, and cell phones."

OH SHIT MY DS!

(also lol @ the MALICE Doobie)

saeku wrote:

*loved me some Double D back in the day*

Oh believe me, I did too. Still do, I guess.

Delcat wrote:

Turns out it's one of the topics from GAFF I saved in .txt format. Horrified nostalgia hour, indeed.

Eeeeeeeek!!

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I wont be quoting anything from it, because of the one rule.
However, let me summarize...
Edd is raped by all the other kids, save Ed and Eddy. That night he gets a visit from someone called Deimos, most likely a vampire. Double D gets turned into a vampire himself, gets gothified, and goes on a killingspree to take revenge on the kids, starting with little Jimmy.

Aww, let down.

Looks like you took a good shot at it though, Delly. I can always count on you~

Also, the version I read stated on the top the kids were all 18-20 something. This is not exactly tacked on, since DoubleD is living on his own and stuff. Just saying, it would not have broken the one rule. Wish I could find the thing in its entirety to snark now... Guess I could do some more digging.

Reep, did you say you found it in the Wayback Machine?

^ Only the first chapter, the links to the other chapters were broken.

Maybe I will try and track down the author. If they took it down because they realized it was crap they may be up for having it snarked and send it to me. It happens.

I wish I had had the forethought to save it, man. It's always the fics that you really need in retrospect that get taken down, while the mediocre ones stay up forever.