Reviews & replies: The good, the bad, and the WTF

This review made me lol:

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I'm aware that you're not fimular with the english language.

Sounds like the reviewer isn't very familiar with the English language, either.

I gave this review to a badfic that was originally posted in the Titanic section of FF.net:

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What does this have to do with Titanic? And it reads like you wrote something and then translated it through one of those lousy online translators, because this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

This was the reply:

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YOU KNOW WHAT???IM NOT OF A CONTRY THAT THEY SPEAK ENGLISH I SPEAK SPANISH...youunderstand?????? AND IM NOT GOING TO TRANSLATE MY ORIGINAL STORY MY SELF. IMNOT GOING TO LOSE A LOT OF TIME AND IF YOU WANT TO READ A ONE THAT MAKESSENSE, GO TO and SEARCH "LOVING AN INMORTAL 1: "I LOVE YOU" AND YOU WILL FINDTHE original version BUT IN SPANISH AND IM SORRY TO WRITE TITANIC I GOTCONFUSE ¿I CANT GET CONFUSE??????? OR WHAT????

If you can't take the time to make your story make sense, why bother posting it all?

The story is now posted under Ghost Whisperer, and isn't attracting any better reviews there.

I found this lolworthy review of a fic I was reading:

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I Hate you copyiny the movie. I Think you should have based it on the true story. I mean that what I would've done if I had made this story. I would pay more attention on the facts of the Titanic than fictonal people. More like they wouldn't be in my verison at all.

Sounds like the reviewer should write their own damned stories.

I've been exchanging emails with someone regarding their horrible YJ Profile Fic.

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Can we say Mary Sue? Ever read the rules? You can't post profiles and call it a story. Why do you insist on having this character in multiple fandoms?

This fic doesn't have promise because it's textbook Mary Sue.

Yes I realize the last line was harsh but it was awful!

Her response:

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Hey, I put the review back to you about my story and I have to say, I'm not really happy!!! You for one, should not be so mean about my story when it hasn't even started yet! I don't want you to critisize my story if you are going to be completly rude about it. Second, I do not care if you think my character is a Mary sue!! If she is then it's my fault but you don't have to say my fic is not worthy or whatever you said in your review. If you don't like the way my story is about to start, THEN DONT READ IT!!!!!

Trust me this kid has gotten the bs reviews she was hoping for:

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Robin will probably be my favorite character of the show because his voice actor is Jesse McCartney. Can't wait to see the sisters in action.

Yes! A Young Justice fanfic! Can't wait for the season to OFFICIALLY start. Awwh! Your sister took my love interest

And "don't like, don't read" rears its ugly head. For those of you playing at home, take a shot.

EileenK98 wrote:

And "don't like, don't read" rears its ugly head. For those of you playing at home, take a shot.

I'm thinking WGW could set up a nice little cottage industry marketing 'Don't Like, Don't Read!' (or should it be 'Dunt liek, Dunt Reed'?) t-shirts to the fangirls at The Pit. I know we've got people talented enough to make the shirts.

The majority of the money would go to various satellite organizations dedicated to teaching proper grammar, spelling and punctuation, with a small portion reserved for the WGW Campaign to Eradicate Mary Sues/Marty Stus from fan fiction.

What I PMed...

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Small grammar problem. Change the King's line from "Your right" to "You're right". The Chapter Update feature here is very useful. Don't be afraid to use it.

Oh, and just for the record: You can't copyright an idea, only the work you create from an idea.

The Response...

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Thank you for the correction on the grammar. Concerning the 'copyright idea', other people had no problem with how I worded it. In fact, they wanted to see where I went with the idea. I truly don't see how I offended you. If you don't like what I write then don't read what I write. It was pretty cowardly of you to not write your message out where everyone can see it. You should try to be brave the next time you try something like this again.

The commentary...

As I was only commenting on technique and not content, I felt that a PM would be better than a review. (At last check, I have 1204 signed reviews on ff.net. I’ve been editing other people’s fanfiction off and on since 2002 or earlier.) The idea she mentioned was not a bad one. I merely pointed out the fact that ideas are not copyrightable. I did like the story and have no idea why she thinks I didn’t. I also fail to see how a private message is ‘cowardly’. Finally, as of last check, she hasn’t corrected the grammar in question.

Under normal circumstances I would have sent her another PM clarifying my position, but she’s blocked me. *sigh* Why, when the choice is between author and fanbrat, do so many people choose fanbrat?

Personally, I'd rather something 'correcting' mistakes in my PM box than out where everybody else can see it.

Some people can't take criticism. And some people can't even take the idea of you telling them they made a spelling mistake.

I put a review for a story I just snarked and I said this:

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I... really can't bring myself to like this. It's really not worth the read. The emphasis for my disliking this story is the broad number of inconsistencies, right in the first paragraph. It's like you can't decide for yourself what story you want to tell. It's plagued with inconsistencies, lack of depth and detail, shallow characters, lack of proper wording and grammar, it's just bad.

I'm being honest, this story is not nearly as enjoyable as your other reviewers claim it to be. It pains me that you would have potential wasted on this.

And I honestly half-expected her to throw a shitfit and scream in caps, "DUN LIEK DUN REED U MEEINIE!!!!1!11!1"
She didn't.

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I just wanted to thank you for the review. In the few months that I have had
my ffn account, I've just been doing what ever came to my head. You are my
first negative review and it's awesome. There comes a time where someone has
to be truthful about the story and you were my first. Yeah my grammer sucks
and I havent really explained the OC's but I just love to write and make stuff
up as I go. I'm a huge Star Wars fan and sometimes I get tired of typing and I
just throw stuff together. But thank you for the review. I think I'm going to
take a break from it and think things threw before reposting. thank you again
=)
-Skywalker02

Holy shit.

Authors that respond like that are always the ones that make me think, "Yes, this is why I leave constructive reviews." <3

Adagio wrote:

Authors that respond like that are always the ones that make me think, "Yes, this is why I leave constructive reviews." <3

The weird part is I got this warm, fuzzy feeling about her reply. And not because my cat was sitting on my desk.

The YJ cartoon is attracting the children and wannabes.

Two reviews for a story:

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She's definitely a Sue in the making.

Aqualad in this fic just feels wrong. He's the son of Black Manta but he's not the Prince of Atlantis. I think you are confusing him with Garth (The dead King of Atlantis AKA Tempest). Why would she think he's wrong about the sea? The guy livesi n the sea and I see nothing wrong with him thinking it's the most beautiful thing in the world.

Uh KF can't tell the difference between orange and red doesn't make him color blind. You just made Wally look really stupid.

and

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Your OC definately has the potential of being a Mary Sue. Although your writing is decent.

The person's reply was:

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otay, first ii really havee no intention of makinq her a maryy sue character. second, ii kind red online tht hes "supposed" to b thaa first aqualad, thtz whyy hes a princee. and third, myy uncle, marv wolfman, said tht wally is parsley color blind and often confuses two of the simplest colors together. p.s. if yoo dont know marv wolfman then yoo gotta look him up . ii hopee tht clears thinqs up xD

Did you know you could be color blind to parsley? If this kid is the nephew of Marv Wolfman then I'm the Princess of Atlantis.

On a sidenote: Aqualad can not possibly be the Prince of Atlantis.

Kryceksangel, you are a stone-cold pimp when it comes to reviews.

I just recently posted a story to the pit (Shameless pimpage! Also, once you've read this post, you may--or may not--be interested in judging my pronouns for yourself.) where one of the canon characters adopts/is adopted by a kitten (yes, it's so sugary it'll rot your teeth from here, I know). And I thought I'd avoided any major catastrophes, but my first review says this:

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You kept saying that the kitten is a boy and a girl. Don't switch its gender.

I couldn't recall doing this, but since that's a fairly serious error, I went back and reread the thing, and I paid extra close attention to the pronouns. I still couldn't see it. At this point, with no other readers reporting similar problems (which isn't always the best barometer, I know) I was leaning towards the "I didn't start swapping sexes on anybody, but I may have overdone it with my pronouns a bit." But, just to be 100% sure I wasn't just missing things, I sent a reply to the reviewer.

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I did? Argh! That's really frustrating. I'm having trouble finding where I did it to edit, though. Could you give me an example?

Today, I recieved this reply.

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Lol, it's fine, no big deal to fuss over with.

...

THEN WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER IN THE FIRST PLACE?!? 'Cause, actually, yeah. An error like that is kind of a major deal. And if you're going to mention it (and have that be the totality of your review), then you obviously thought it was a big deal, too. And then...it's not? Or something?

I don't even know anymore. Just argh.

I haven't written much fanfic lately so I haven't really been keeping up with reviews on my old crap. I noticed this one on my Invader Zim/Dexter's Lab random story, though:

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Invader Zim should not be made for kids. it is kind of like a scary little kid
being all weird I mean I don't even get the show. But dexter's lab is very
cute and funny for little kids. I even light it!

Yeah, well, put it in your pipe?

I found this head-scratcher of a review for a Batman fic:

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DO NOT READ. Since you already started reading you cant stop. My name is Kalena. I have black hair, and green eyes. I am 13. I was abused my whole life. I have no ears or nose, because my parents chopped them of with a rusty fork. I am dead. I will show up in your room in 13 days and #!@%*# you by chopping off your body parts with a rusty fork unless you repost this on 5 pages. THIS IS NO JOKE! If you do, something good will happen to you within 13 days. If you don't believe this,wait till 5:13

I like ur story btw! Sorry for posting this, im really superstitious and i had no where else to put it.

i read this by accident so i have to do it!

Um...whiskey tango foxtrot?

Lady Anne wrote:

I found this head-scratcher of a review for a Batman fic:

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DO NOT READ. Since you already started reading you cant stop. My name is Kalena. I have black hair, and green eyes. I am 13. I was abused my whole life. I have no ears or nose, because my parents chopped them of with a rusty fork. I am dead. I will show up in your room in 13 days and #!@%*# you by chopping off your body parts with a rusty fork unless you repost this on 5 pages. THIS IS NO JOKE! If you do, something good will happen to you within 13 days. If you don't believe this,wait till 5:13

I like ur story btw! Sorry for posting this, im really superstitious and i had no where else to put it.

i read this by accident so i have to do it!

Um...whiskey tango foxtrot?

I got as far as the end of the second sentence. At that point my contrary nature kicked in. I said, "I can too stop!" and hit the reply button to let the world know that that trick doesn't work.

I once had a fanbrat try to tell me that quotation marks weren't considered punctuation.

Many a LOL was had by me that day.

Wanted to leave a review on a bad fic, it already had over 130, so I thought maybe I won't have to point out the mistakes if someone already did and this is what I found:

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This is a great story. But you need some help with grammer, spelling, punctuation, and syntax.

Somehow I don't think the author is the only one that needs help.

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Please contact me at I am not an English teacher, I just like to see English used correctly.

Really? Then we have so much in common.

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Ideas presented slopply can have a negitive impact on a story. Your story line is a good one, and I want to see it reach it's full potential.

Storyline is not a good one, as it's main character is 'Serenity' and author's name is SerenityEmrys. Does anyone else see my problem?

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Please contact me, send a sample chapter, and when I send it back to you compare it to what you have.

Anyone looking for a beta?

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I may be able to improve the machanics of your story.

Yes, because 'machanics' of the story is what really needs improvement here.

If this was only a review, then okay, but it's an offer to edit a story. Really?

I've solved the case ->the reason for bad spelling in finction and for 'grammer' are bad beta-readers!

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I love you and I love your stories. I would never push you into a beanbag.

Thank you dear. I was worried about that.

TheIan wrote:

Adagio wrote:

Authors that respond like that are always the ones that make me think, "Yes, this is why I leave constructive reviews." <3

The weird part is I got this warm, fuzzy feeling about her reply. And not because my cat was sitting on my desk.

The same thing happened to me last week. I posted this:

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I don't know if you're looking for constructive criticism, but here you have it.
I read your other story first, and I have to say that here and there there were turns of phrase, sentences, descriptions that stood out to me. In a good way. Things that made me think that you have the potential to do amazing things with words.

Sadly, I can't say the same about this one. There are typos and missing or misplaced punctuation all over the place, which I could look past; random tense changes in the middle of a paragraph, which throws me out of a story every time, and the plot... the dialogue... it makes me wonder if this is even the same author. (...)

Now, I know that I can be harsh, and all the other reviews were squees, so I didn't know how the author would react.
Then I found this in a reply thread for the other story:

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CelticThunderFan: I'll be sure to now that I have your email address. However, someone reviewed Melt my Heart to stone and I realized they were correct- it is bad. So I've decided to rewrite it. I'm going to revamp everything and post it at a later time, I've also decided that since I'm redoing it I'm going to just focus on finishing Bitter Sweet first.

And this in direct reply to me:

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grmblfjx: Firstly, I'd like to say 'ouch'. Next, I'd like to say 'thank you'. Constructive criticism is very much appreciated.(...)
That bad, huh? I think I got trapped in the 'I wrote it so I don't see my mistakes' cycle, everything you're describing that I did wrong is sort of horrifying . The good news is that I plan on rewriting it, when I'm done it'll be more realistic- or at least I hope it will be. I'll give you an email when I'm done and you can tell me if I'm on the right track.(...)

I was impressed.

There is hope for the future!

Can we, like, keep that one, grumbles? It looks house trained and I bet it doesn't gnaw on the furniture. o.o

Should I ask if it wants to follow me home?

I got this review on one of my stories:

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Wow this is really descriptive, though there are grammatical errors that I came across and was curious if I could edit the mistakes that I have found for you. I would be happy to look over your story and edit the errors.

Fair enough. I PM'd the reviewer to see what they meant. This was the reply:

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Well, like this:

Brock turned the camera in his hand so it pointed at his own face.

It should be:

The camera turned in Brock's hand so it pointed at his face.

Okay, I can accept constructive criticism--as long as it makes sense. Changing that sentence in that way does not. It changes the subject of the sentence and makes it appear that the camera decides to turn by itself.