Twilight as told by a psycho-Christian sex addict

I was searching for badfic recently and heard about a one-shot by ErinOfTheCullenClan on fanfiction.net (account now deleted). Not sure if it was a trollfic, I searched for some of her other fics, and found her DeviantArt account, where she has decided to grace our presence with a fragrant pile of excrement known as Brewdening Love.

After finding that this had not yet been sporked on WGW, I decided I might as well take it on as my first snark. Criticism welcome.

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Chapter One: Genesis

Get used to the nonsensically biblical chapter names, they're only going to continue. Just be grateful this one is spelled correctly.

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Erin: ok hello everyone I want to let you knwo that I'm the BIGGEST Twilight ever! I've read all the boks and seen da movie -OMFG isn't Cullin HAWT. So hot. ok now iv writon a storie about wut wold happen id I were bella1 Because shes a dirte bithc so i want you to see it and tel moi what you think!! So LOTS OF REVOWS PLZ! lov you God xoxoxoxo

Well, I'm sure you couldn't do a worse job than the original Bella, but I'm going to call BS on the "read all the boks" part. No one who has ever read a book in their lives could possibly have spelling and grammar this bad and not be aware of it.

I'm not sure if the last sentence is supposed to mean "I love you, God" or "God, I love you," addressing Edward Cullen. Going on her Christian rants later on, probably the former.

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I hud to put my storie up hear becose the meenies at FF.net deleated it but I am glad the Jew and the Bird are gone and aint flaming me anymore

Translation: This story got deleted from fanfiction.net due to some of my racist and anti-Semitic comments, so I'm just going to post it here where NO ONE would be offended by that. Now, on with the crapfest!

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I walked into the room and HE waz siting over by the coner of my english class, prefectly sitting by the corner in a desk. I thought he was a god (Erin: not god God because I luv god and thats blamsphemi, so fuc off sinars)

Yes, because claiming someone is a god is much more Christian than claiming they are God. I love how there's no introduction to the character or the setting, just BOOM, walking into a room, oggling at a hot guy, and asserting your Christiandom. Although I suppose the Sue doesn't really need an introduction, Erin already admitted to her being nothing but a self-insert in the author's note.

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becoz he looked so darmn hot, like that guy who used to be on Smalvile befor he got fat so now I watch supernatural becoz fat man is always in my head now.

Suethor, could you at least learn the names of celebrities before yanking them into this fic? At least Tara Gilespie didn't refer to Gerard Way as "that hot guy from My Chemical Romance" each of the trillion and a half times she brought him up. Also, I'm sure Supernatural is pleased as punch to have you endorsing it. "Watch Supernatural, that chick who wrote Brewdening Love watches it."

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I giglied when he lookd at mwah and Edwards looked away seeming to snarlingly.

You know, you spelled "moi" alright before. I assumed you could do it again, or at least not misspell in such an impossible way. Also, the word "snarlingly" sounds weird enough without being used as a verb.

Now, brace yourselves for a lavish info dump on our Sue's appearance, despite the fact that we don't know her name yet.

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I flacked my long brown hare hoppping to git his atention. I hav long brown hair that reatches my btomm, in a smooth long thing with a hairclip and such. I have hotr eyeliner with lots of blue mascara becoz it goes with moi eyes you see becoz they are blu. and i'm wearing a loose wite blows with a cute leather belt and a long black skirt becoz its sexy but not whory and its a sin to be a whor tunles ur Mary Magdalin, but shes daed anyway.

This reminds me of My Immortal's "You may think I'm a slut, but I'm really not" bit. Also, even if Mary Magdalene was a prostitute, which many historians are saying isn't true, she was forgiven for her sin because she chose to follow and obey Jesus, not just because she was Mary Magdalene. Also, do you really need to tell us that whorishness is a sin? I think saying it's against your beliefs is enough, most people know it's considered a sin without you reminding them.

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Edward looked back to me and loked away agin. It was rood and I farroed my brow confusedly at hymn, but decided but hes sex-ah so Ill let him get away with it (The Lord teeches us to forgave).

The Lord also teaches us to use proper tenses when we write fanfic. Remember kids, if a hot guy is a jerk to you, forgive him immediately, but if an ugly or mediocre person is, HOLD IT AGAINST THEM FOREVER.

Also: HOW DARE EDWARD LOOK AT THE SUE AND NOT SAY HELLO AND DROOL ALL OVER HER ZOMG SO ROOD.

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I walked over, with evry eye on the room on me because Im so darmn H-O-T (I've been told this mnay times so I know it is true(

"I'm not conceited for thinking I'm so darmn H-O-T, I've just been told it by so many people that I've accepted it as fact. Oh, why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?"

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and i sit on his desk and he looks up and has bronze eyes that are sexy in a brewding way (erin: FORSHADOWING!! He is brewdy but if you havnt reed the boks you'd already no that!)

You know you're a good writer when you literally have to point foreshadowing out to your readers with a giant sign that says "FORESHADOWING!!".

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He looks up to me and I look dwn to him loking up to me. He then speaks, in a quiet brewding voice.

"Who are you?" he aks and why are you on my desk?

Even the fic itself wants to know what the hell she's doing on his desk.

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So i winks at him and tell him he's cute, but then class starts and i sit down and watch him.

I'm going to try this next time I like a guy and he seems shy. Sit on his desk, wink, tell him he's cute, then stare at him the rest of the day. That will definitely turn out well, and not with a charge for sexual harassment.

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He is so hot and I dcide want to be his boyfriend.

You want to get a sex change and then date him? Well, I suppose we haven't really been told anything about Sue/Stu besides their outfit, makeup, eye color, and hair, so it could always be a crossdressing male.

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He looks at me and turns away agin.

He must really like you if he's refusing to drink gin.

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So yeeeeeeeah thats my storie tell me what you hink with your revieows!

SPOILER ALERT: She was not happy when people started telling her what they thought with their reviews.

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so glad to have writing it i'm happi ass now!

I'm imagining Erin speaking in stilted English: "I'm a happy ass now! Who's a happy ass? That's right, I am!"

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GOD LOVES YOU ALL! XOXOXOXOXO! :3

The psycho-Christianity is not as apparent in the first few chapters as it is later on when she starts bashing anyone who flames her as sinners, but trust me, it gets bad. Fanfic writers like this make me embarassed to be Christian. And human.

Anyone else who wants to spork this trash is encouraged. Trust me, it's a gold mine for snarkers. If not, I might just spork the whole thing myself.

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(Erin: not god God because I luv god and thats blamsphemi, so fuc off sinars)

Woah, mirror-universe Tara. That is so weird.

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and i'm wearing a loose wite blows with a cute leather belt and a long black skirt becoz its sexy but not whory and its a sin to be a whor tunles ur Mary Magdalin, but shes daed anyway.

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Chapter 2 – Adem and Ev

If you thought it was impossible to misspell Adam and Eve, you were wrong. So, so wrong.

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Erin: This is mi second chapter, and no reviews. WTF?

By "no reviews", she means "no entirely positive reviews". Trust me, there were reviews.

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WTF? AShut up you stupid sinnr bitch - YOUR PATHETIC NOT MI. Flaming mi as it is agenst Gods will, four peepole to hate is BAD. And if you do tyou not be aloud in Heathen. So NO FLAMING, CHOOSE LOVE.

And this is just the first of many author's notes hatefully demanding that we forsake our sins and stop hating.

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also my carroter is named Joan in this not erin

Your... carroter? Does she grow carrots, or does she just cook with them? Well, we know Sue's name now, but I doubt I'll stop calling her Sue. Really, Erin, why bother giving her a name? You already made it clear that she's you.

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Edward dint speak to me for the rest of the clarse and he nevur looked at me agen.

So Sue spent the rest of her life silently pining for Edward, even though he never acknowledged her after that first day in class. Ah well, perhaps it's better that way. Perhaps their true love could never be, due to their differing goals in life and wildly contrasting interests-

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I was abit sad but I new that God wood help me threw it. I prey to Him that at the end of class Edward will talk to me. But Edward dint, so i gessed I didn't prey loud enoug.

Or maybe God couldn't care less about your two-minute infatuation with a random guy. Or, even better, maybe God is trying to send you a hint that this guy is bad news. Well, you'll just have to respect his opinion and never attempt to make contact with him again.

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It waz lunch tiem so I goed and sat buy miself and red the Bible (Erni: It can be a good reed smtimes).

Listen, Erin (or Erni? Did you actually get a sex change like you threatened in the last chapter?), we can tell you've never read the Bible. No one who's read any published work in their lives spells as badly as you do.

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I watched as Edwood sat next to a groop of people that had the same looks as him. YOu know, all mystyrous and sex-ah. I wounded who they were

A) Edwood is the best fan nickname for Edward Cullen the world has ever seen, and

B) Seeing as the Cullens are vampires, I doubt you could wound them without killing yourself in the process.

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I watched them, they dint ate anythink but wern't annarexic loking so i felt more curious, I wanned to go and talk to him agen. I new he would like me because I am hot and a Crhistian.

Yes, because a hot Christian can get anybody they like. Religion and personal appearance are the only two factors that someone considers when they choose a mate.

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So i walk over and sit next to him. He looks angry but I dint care. “Hi Iam Erin, I waz in Yore clarse this Mourning.” I say and they all star at me.

That's the second time she's used "clarse" instead of "class." Does she think that because the British say "arse" instead of "ass" that they would naturally say "clarse" instead of "class"? Even that explanation doesn't make sense because, as far as we know, none of the characters are British.

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They were all dressed in Abbacromby and Filtch clothes, the girls in briggt colours and the boys in not bright colours but not dark either except edward who was in a sexi dark brwn hoodie and blak jeans. I suddenly knew they were a familt and I coulnt believe how hot the hole family are. Rosalie and Alice, the only girls, were perfect and hot like the veronicas but not emo and slutty. (If it wasn’t agenst my religion to be homo, I would say they were sexah) Then there was Japper, who was too kute and made me fell so clam wen I looked at hymn and he look like Matt Thiessen. Emmett was bigger than eny bodybuilder I had ever seen befour and look like Jon Cooper from Skillet. But no one could compet with Edward. He was the Hottest by far and loocked like Joel Bruyere

This makes Smeyer's endless repetitions of "rippling marble muscles" seem like a Shakespearean sonnet. Also, she hasn't been introduced to them, how does she know their names? Did they all get drunk and have them tattooed on their foreheads, or is Forks High School requiring students to wear name tags nowadays?

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(,3<3<3,#<#!)

I get it, Erin, you <3 Edward Cullen and Joel Bruyere. Stop trying to emphasize the hearts by capitalizing the 3's. NUMBER KEYS DON'T WORK THAT WAY.

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“Why are you sitting here?” Edward asked all growly like. I smile at hymn becoz it seemd a good growl.

A guy you don't know growling at you =/= a good sign. Also get used to misspelling "him" as "hymn", because I can't think of a single time it's spelled correctly. Every time she uses the word, I expect her to go "(geddit? bcuz Im Crhistian lol)".

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“Because I want to get to now you, silly. My nam is Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smithe. You're hot and i lik you a fuckload” I replied, fluckering my eyelids in a sexy wey.

What Sue would be complete without a long-ass, nonsensically symbolic name?

Also: Hooray for great introductions! "You're hot and I like you a fuckload." That's how you get a guy interested in commitment. Also, what does "fluckering your eyelids" look like? A cross between puckering them and fluttering them?

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"I'm Edward Cullen." He said not happily. Edward dint look impressed but I new he wood liek me soon. He might of already aktuly.

If a guy avoids you and then growls at you when you confront him, I wouldn't say he might like you. But that's just my opinion.

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He smelled but then he hiden it with scowl

Another recurring spelling error involves spelling "smiled" as "smelled." How exactly does one cover their smell up by scowling?

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and then they all looked at eachuher for like a minute akwardish like last year when my sis lied that she was gay to evryone and had to go to camp

...THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM?! My guess is that this is something that happened to Erin in real life. I hope that poor sister is doing okay...

Oh great, look Erin, did you see what you did? You made me care about someone. Someone that was only mentioned in one sentence of your fic, and I already care more about her than all the rest of these schmucks put together. You are a master of characterization.

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“C’mon, lets go.” He said to his family and they all left. I was left sitting at the table.

Those... those last two sentences were spelled perfectly and punctuated almost-perfectly. Great Scott, could Erin have turned on spellcheck?!

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I dint get why he dint want to now mi. I wandered if their was something wrong with me and thats why he dint like me. It was time to go to biology so I leave and go there.

Nope, she just suffered from momentary sanity. Right back to switching tenses and misspelling every third word.

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Edward was in Biology too. He was sutting buy himself at a table.

He was buying himself? What, was the teacher putting him up for auction and he was trying to bid his way to freedom?

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I walk over in a sexah wey and sit next to him, winning at him.

Ah, but the Sue won by outbidding him and now he has no choice but to be her slave for all eternity. Pity.

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He looked mad at me, i dint no why but ten he didn't look too made anymore. I had been freindly the hole time an mabye it was werking.

The teacher started to talk so I listened to him, Edward was still staring at me madly agin but fuck him he'll come arond becoz I love him.

Because if you love someone enough, he will have no choice but to love you back. No choice at all, because you'll take it from him.

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SOOOOOOOOOO HOW THAT?! betta I think i'm getting into this quit alot becoz twillielight is an orsum.

What is an orsum? Is it anything like an opossum? I don't see how Twilight is at all similar to an opossum, but I also don't see how this chapter is any better than the first one, so I suppose we'll just have to agree to disagree.

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Thankx for roding and plz review to tle me what you thank!!1111 <3<3<3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

People told her what they thought, but most I don't think any of them were saying "Thanks."

That's it for Chapter 2, and you can see how if chapters keep degressing at this rate, then there won't be a single redeeming factor for this fic by Chapter 37, and you'd see right.

I call Troll.

I read this in Cartman's voice and it all turns to lulz.

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Chapter 3: Collisions

OMG STOP FLAMIG ME YOU NOT NICE PEOPLE! FUK OOFF!

You know, if you have no qualms about telling people to fuck off, you don't have to restrain yourself in insulting them to the point of calling them "not nice people."

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ffs you people suck - if you do noy have anythin god to say, DO NOT SAY IT!!11111 No 1 wants to b a sinnar so spred LOV for fuks sayk! it's better.

"Spread love for fuck's sake!" might just be the worst possible way to tell us to stop flaming.

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/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/|| (These are ANGLE WINGS :3)

Oh, I forgot to copy-paste the annoying borders that Erin likes to use to seperate her author's notes from the story in the last two chapters. Until now, it's just been a bunch of ~~~~~~'s. She's never provided an explanation for them, I guess we were just supposed to assume they were ramen noodles or something.

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Biologee went on for a while but then it ended.

Really? I thought Biology class went on in an endless loop of time. Gosh, thanks for clearing up that the class ended.

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There was another class but Ed wasnt in it so it don't matter and then the day was ovar.

Classes without your stalking victim don't count. They are just wastes of time that could be better spent stealing hair clippings from him.

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I waited for him after class, and my friend Jenny Donna came up to me. (Erni - ok yeah Blla moved to Forks recently in the bok but in my versin I've bin here a while, like for 2 months but it was summa holidays so thats why I havn't seen the Cullings b4 now but no sum1 OK?1?)

Thank you for telling us instead of showing us that. Hell, she didn't even bother to do it in prose, she just stuck it in an author's note. Does that even count as telling? Seriously, how hard would it be to have Sue stop thinking about Edward for two seconds so she could think about her summer move.

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"Hey girl how r u?" I ran up and hugged her tightly. She smiled happily at me. Jenne was wearing a blu hoodie with a cute pink bunneh on it, and a long pink skirt and she uis also a blone with similar hair to mine, in a long straight doo. She looks like the leed from Evanescence, but with putple makeup and mascara and Christan.

The clothing descriptions in here put My Immortal to shame.

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"Hey grl how are you! I haven;t seen you for like a week." She enquieered happily

Grl? What, did she growl the word out? "HEY, GRRRRRRRRLLLL."

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"Yah hey girl, sorryt. about that. I saw this major hotty in class today, his name is Edwerd Collin. You've been here a lot longe than moi so wut do you know of hymn and hys familiy?"

"Well their REEEEALY secretive and stuff and unlike any click you May of seen at your old school. They are real broding and misterious, but UBAH hot. I like Emmet a lot." She admited errotically.

Erotically? What, is she trying to seduce Sue by talking about the smexy Cullens?

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"Ya he's ok but I like Edward and I think he liks me. He smiled at me but it was almost sif he caldn be with me for sum reeson. So then what do you no then, I'd like to meat him?" I told.

Not as much as he wants to "meat" you, Sue. Not nearly as much.

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"O well he lives in the mountain I herd.

Well, Jenny just became more interesting. So she's a mountain-herder, eh? Does she use mountain dogs to herd them?

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He is also ovah there and ALONE! Go girl, go!" I looked to where she was pointing and then I smelled at her and ron to him.

And now Jenny is joining in on the Cullen-stalking. The friends that stalk together, stay together.

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He was leaving bi the main entrance when I had bean silly enough to leave by the side!

"Silly me, giving him a few precious moments free from my influence! That's exactly the sort of thing that would stir rebellion in him!"

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He looked over to me as if he cold smill cumming for him.

I'm still not sure what this sentence means, only that the spelling of "coming" is going to make me giggle like a twelve-year-old for the rest of the fic.

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He smiled, but then stopped and scowed at me, but I didn't mind because he's actually more sexah when he scrows.

"Scrow" sounds like the sound some violently ill woodland creature would make.

"Scrow! SCROW!"

"Aw, look at the little guy! He's so sexah when he's sick and wounded!"

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"Hey Edword how are you. You look even sexiah in the sunlight." I said, admiring his pale skin.

Wait, so Edward is out in sunlight, and he's not sparkling? What, is this an AU where the vampires don't sparkle OR burn to a crisp when exposed to sunlight? LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME.

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"NO JOANE DON'T CUM NEAR MI!" He screemd and ran away.

Oh Joan, you know better than to cum near a guy. You two haven't even been on your first date yet!

Also, in the movie in my head, Edward, this guy who's been so strong, silent, and brooding, is running away, crying and screaming, waving his arms around in the girliest way possible, to get away from our Sue. Thanks for the image, Erin, but I'm not sure the rest of the fic was worth it.

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I ran after him yelling at him to stop and we went into the car park.

And now Sue is literally chasing him and yelling. Add some suspenseful music and this is now a horror movie.

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He leapt up onto a car all althetically and dissapaered into bushes behind the car. I frowned and felt sad.

If you frowned, I think the readers can gather that you also felt sad.

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Maybe I had been ron about hymn liking me

...YOU THINK?! He just ran across a parking lot trying to get away from you!

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But then I heard a noise, like a bus comming towards me. I looked around and saw...................................................................................A BIG BUS CUMING AT ME!1111

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OH NO THATS NOT GOOD! Well you'll hav to see what happens in the next chapta. thank you for reeding this and the character od Jenny is actually based on my freind Jenny, so LOVE YOU GIRL!1 Anyway thnks again and please leave good reviews. GOD LOVES YOU ALL! :3

What? A self-insert character in a badfic? WHO THE HELL WOULD SEE THAT COMING?!

Next chapter: We get to see the bus crash and its unfortunate results.

SouthSimGal wrote:

The clothing descriptions in here put My Immortal to shame.

i buye al muy clowtheng frmo Hott Topik cuz Im soooo HAWT!!!

OMG!!! Im a Chrstain!! Stoop flamng mee four beeign hawt sinnars! FUK OOOOFF!!

Yes, because people are sinning if they comment on your articles of bodily coverage

Oh, Twilight.

You never cease to produce "entertaining" articles of fanfiction.

Nihilist wrote:

Braigwen wrote:

I read this in Cartman's voice and it all turns to lulz.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

My reaction whenever nihilist posts.

I'm not sure what church she belongs to (The First Church of I worship Myself?), but where I come from, good Christian girls don't tell people to fuck off. Though if they did, they'd probably at least spell it correctly. Hell, I was raised a Christian, and I knew the difference between 'come' and 'cum' by the time I was in fifth grade.

I'm beginning to suspect a troll, because it's hard for me to believe anyone could have made it this far in life unable to spell the most basic of words like 'the. 'Also, a Christian would definitely know how to spell Adam and Eve.

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4 – Savoir

A/N: SRSLY STOP FLAMMING! You heethans I mean seriously! I onlt be rude to peepl who are being rude to me. In da story the charcater is nomed Joan but MY NAM is Erin Locklea! SO STFU!

I think I might start snipping these author's notes at the beginning of each chapter because they all say just about the same thing.

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Their was a sreech of tires and a clod of dust. I closet my eyes because I was to scared to mauve.

I'd be too scared to mauve, too. That color is so hard to pull off without the right skintone.

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Everything went still and then i opened my eyes. The bus had stopped only inches from my head!!!! I blinkered and tryed to see why the bust had stopped. There was a dint in the fount of it but I couldn’t see anyone. It was ass if som1 had come and STOPPED THE BUS TO SAVE MI!

Now, who would go and do a thing like that? Three guesses, readers.

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I was still scared and shakey but i walked off the road and onto the sidewalk.

Wait, why are we suddenly in the road? Last chapter you said we were in the parking lot. CONTINUITY!

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Jenny was creaming at me

Whoa, Jenny, I didn't know you got off to Sues almost getting smeared into the pavement.

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but I couldn’t here her probably.

What, don't you know if you could hear her?

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The bus driver looked shocked and he got out of the bus to apocalypse.

"Crap, my plan to destroy the Sue failed! Guess I'll just have to blow up the world to save it from her influence."

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I nodded in a way to tell hymn I didn't blame hymn because i couldn’t talk yet.

And this is the only acknowledgement we get that Sue's life was at risk because of the bus driver. There's no calling the police, going to the hospital, or filing reports. The bus crash was purely a romantic occurence.

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I ignores my dad when I got in because he would of had a hard day fire figgthn

Now remember this part, because it'll be important later: Sue's dad is a FIRE FIGHTER.

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and who wants to be annoyed? Im good chrsitian.

Yes, because the only course of action for a good Christian when a parent comes home after a long day at work is to ignore them completely. Stop talking about your religion and admit you didn't want to talk to him.

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That night I was laying in bed, I couldn’t fell aslep because of what had happened with the Bus.

Why is the Bus capitalized? What, did the attempt to kill the Sue cause it to be promoted from A bus to THE Bus?

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I watched the dark shadoes on the celing and thought about what Jesus would do if he was in my position. You know, if he had ever rly loved and the bible didn't no. I couldn’t think of anything so I guessed Jesus had never loved in THAT wai b4 so he wouldn’t now.

FUN FACT: In Jewish culture in Jesus's time, it was unheard of for a man to be unmarried by the time he was twenty, so unless Jesus never loved his wife, then yes, he did love in "that way."

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I felt the bed sink beside me

I wish I had a bed-sink. It would make getting a glass of water in the middle of the night so much easier.

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and I rolled over to see amb eyes watching me. Edward was sitting there watching me!!1

"And he was masticating to me!!!111"

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He smiled but i was to supplies to say anything.

Yes, her mouth was too full of water and rations for her to reply.

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He moved closer to me opaque window and put a cold arm around my shoulders. I shivered but it felt good.

What the hell is the point of having an opaque window? You know, Erin, it's never a good idea to use words you don't know the meaning of.

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“whgat are you doing here?” I asked him confused and he giggled.

“Too see you, obliviously.”

Great, now Edward is giggling. Could this guy get any girlier?

Also, note how he says he wants to see her obliviously. In other words, he wants to see her without her knowing about it. CREEPY.

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I was so happy that he had come to see me. I knew he would like me. And i was right.

"Just as I predicted, his will could not stand up to my Sue mind-controlling powers for long."

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We had a little talk about nothin in purticular

Yes, when a guy breaks into my house to watch me sleep, I like to engage him in conversations about the weather.

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but it was becuming lear he wanted to b with me.

But he's with you right now--- OH. You want him to be with you... like that.

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I wanted to coddle him but then he got up quickly and ran away, like he culdn't be with me realy.

Apparently it was against his belief to mate with Mary Sues.

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I was confound because i dint know why he left. But I was happy that he comed and saw me anyway

Reader survey, people. How old were you when you last said or wrote "comed" instead of "came?" I think I was five.

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so feel aspell and dremt about Edward. :3

Erin seems to have a fondness for the :3 emoticon. We'll be seeing more of this later.

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The next day at school everone was talking about me and the Bus because It should have hit me.

Oh, and now even pronouns relating to the Bus have to be capitalized. Not only has it become The One Bus, but its valiant attempt to take out a Sue has caused a new religion to be founded, known as Busism.

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I said that God saved me because of my believe in him and in a wai he did. Edward is an angel. I dint tell any1 that i fought it was Edwood though incase they laught at me.

"You blasphemous fool, you cannot be saved from the Bus; you must forsake your Sue-ness and convert before it's too late!"

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“I think it was Edward that saved me.” I told Jenny because I new he wouldn’t laugh.

Sex changes sure are quick and easy in this universe; Jenny just had one last night.

Quote :

“Oh my god gurl, how?” She asked all excited.

Jenny was one of the only kids at Forks High School who had not converted to Busism; Sue could tell because she wasn't wearing the standard yellow and black robes with headlights on the hood.

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“I think he jumped in front of it and stopped it.” I told her because I was excited. “And then he came to my house last night.”

"It was so great! He asked for a lock of my hair and one of my pairs of panties, isn't that romantic?

Quote :

Jenny was excited to because Edward had come to my house. We started talking about him and who hot he was when a vocal said from behind us.

The Busists had formed a choir to sing hymns of praise to The Almighty Bus, and one of the vocal artists for that choir happened to be passing by to tell the Sue to develop some interesting character traits lest the Bus come and smite them all for her Sue-ness.

Quote :

“What are you talking about?”

I turned around and Edward was standing there looking like an angel from heathen.

You'd think looking like a heathen would be a turn-off for such a good Christian.

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Jenny looked at him too with her mouth open because she fought he was hot to but she said I could have him because she wanted Jasper.

But just last chapter, Jenny said she wanted Emmett; she showed no interest in Jasper. CONTINUITY!

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“Um, nothing.” I said all embarrassed and with a red faeces

Now, now, Sue; red feces are nothing to be embarassed about. Although they are something to call a doctor over.

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The Edwards family came in, so he left.

THEY'RE THE CULLEN FAMILY! What, do you think Edward's full name is Edward Edwards?

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b4 he did though he patted me on the soldier and winked,

Woah, Sue, we don't want to know about how Edward touched your "little soldier."

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asking me to follow hiM! So he had to go. I got up and fallowed him.

And now she's going someplace alone with a guy who snuck into her room last night.

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:3 that was fun to write and I hope to reed. Srlsy thnx to everyone for evrything EXCEPT YOU WHO NO WHO U R.

"Thanks, all you people with amnesia with no recollection of your identity! But to those of you who know who you are, FUCK YOU!!!!1111eleventy-one"

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Plz leave nice reveiws and stup critisizing me mk? I don attack ur storeies now do I?

No, but you do attack us personally in your author's notes...

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LOVE FOR ALL! xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

And with that, I leave you. Until next chapter, repent of your sins that you may be safe from The Almighty Bus!

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Chapter 5 - Confesson

Hello everyone! Thanks for reeding this far in1 but I want to take a moement to address the flammas.

Oh, well this'll be good.

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OK IM GOING TO IGNOR YOUR NONESENSE FROM NOW ON SO SHUSH MMMK?

Drugs are bad, m'kay?

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So be nice, which is better. think of the site as a neighborhood - be nice to da neighbars, ya? cool and thanks to all the GOOD REEDERS OUT THERE

You do realize you haven't been very nice to us either, don't you? Very few commenters have told you to "fuck off," yet you have done that countless times.

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ooo "It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks." - Bible, Acts IX. 5

At last, the moment we've been waiting for, Erin finally starts teaching us Bible lessons! Because Twilight fanfics are the ideal place to pick up Biblical knowledge. Fortunately, I looked it up, and this one at least hasn't been misquoted, although since she's cut out most of the verse, this phrase is completely meaningless, as we don't know what is so hard to kick against the pricks (it's Jesus).

And what's with the Roman numerals in the reference? Does her Bible have the chapters titled with Roman numerals and she was just too lazy to translate them?

Quote :

Edwerd walked on and on and we cmae into the woulds.

It was a forest of woulds, shoulds, and coulds.

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It had been a long walk but I was tired and wanted to know why we didn't drive. He said he didn't own a care, which is pretty wierd but then agin out here who knows how people live.

Oh come on, doesn't Erin know Edward owns a silver Volvo? Even people who have never read the books OR seen the movies know that. Couldn't Edward have just said he didn't want to drive his car into the woods?

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We were in the woords deep now and at the base of....................................a small motanny hill!

I still don't know what motanny means. I'm going to guess that the hll they came to was made of mutton and leave it at that.

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"Hey Edwad wtf are we out here?" I asked in a sexahly, because maybe he'd taken me out here for some fun or somthing.

ERIN IS SO CHRISTIAN THAT SHE GOES OUT INTO THE WOODS TO HAVE SEX WITH A GUY SHE'S KNOWN FOR TWO DAYS.

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"Joan I have somethong to tell you."

"It's a pink, lacy one, and I'm wearing it right now. I'm worried you might not see me the same way after I tell you, though."

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he said and looked sad all of a sudan.

He must have been pretty sad to compare to all of the rather large country of Sudan.

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I wanted to hug hymn better.

"What do you have to tell me?" I asked, but not sexah this tim.

BREAKING NEWS: Sue just acted un-sexah! Crucify her! Crucify her!

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"Joan, I lik you a lot but I have a horrible secret." He sed brewdingly.

OMG LOOK!!1 FORESHADOWING!!!!!!1111one

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A small teir flopped down his cheek, and I felt even sadder and kind of bad at the same time.

"Joan, i'm not like otther guys."

"I don't swim around in rivers, I don't eat shellfish, I'm not like any of the otters!"

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I gasped! OH SHIT, A VAMPTRE?! That's like really unholly and not good at all, i thought.

Normal person's reaction to being told someone they know is a vampire: Yeah... right.

Sue's reaction to being told someone she knows is a vampire: ZOMG TATS UNHOLLY U SINAR!!!11eleven

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felt sad and scared but I sort of liked hymn still, he'd been alone with me a few times I thot so maybe i could hear hymn out because I don't think he was going to ate me.

He was alone with you once, while your dad was in the house. Without the knowledge that Meyer-vampires have super speed, you have no way of knowing he wasn't holding back because of that.

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I was still scared though and wish I had of worn my hawt leather uggs instead of the heals 2day incase I had to ron.

Oh yeah, we haven't gotten any outfit description this chapter, Erin. We feel deprived.

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"A vampire? But I can't be with you if your a vampire because I'm a Chrisnt!" I told hymn, tears falling from my eyes like a tap.

"Oh, it drives me to tears that I can't date a guy I met yesterday and have hardly spoken two words to. WAAAAAAAAHH."

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"He looked mortified and his face was a scrowly durpreshun.

"Scrowly" might just be my favorite word that I have no clue what it means. Also, "durp"reshun is right, Erin.

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he continued and edged closure towards me. "Joan it's ok. I'm not like other vampirs, my clan is different. We embarase the Lord and His weighs.

If you worshipped me, I'd be embarrassed too.

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I am a christina vampite!"

I want a T-shirt made with that phrase on it. And I want Erin to be forced to wear that shirt for the rest of her life, and have to explain it to every person that asks her what it means.

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I stopped being sad and smiled at hymn. "Why is it bad then?"

"Yes, why would being a creature of the night who can only survive on the blood of others be bad IF YOU HAVE JESUS IN YOUR LIFE!"

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"Because" He said brewlingly, "I think you smell nice and I'm afried I'll eat you still. I can't b wif you."

Please Edward, just give in and eat her. Then at least this thing could be considered a black comedy.

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I gsped. He wanted to eat me, which wasn't good, but there was something abot hymnb that I couldn't resist. He was uba hawt

Pssst, Erin, your shallow is showing.

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and now a nice guy 2. I new he was the only won for me.

Yes, because a hot, nice guy will never come into your life again.

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I walked up to him and took hymn by the hand and leened into his sexah mussular chest.

His chest was covered in mussels? Gross.

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"We will work thru it. I love you."

I love how her first reaction when he tells her he wants to eat her is to lean in real close to him.

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He said nothing and we stood there for a bit, and then we went back to town.

RIVETING!

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Yeah not much of a finelly but next chapter I'll moke up for it, so yeah.

Not much of a finale? Of course not, you forgot to END it.

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SO YES, THAT IS HOW HE'S A VAMPIR AND I CAN LOVE HIM OK?1?! Anyway please leeve some nice revies and yeah. SEE YOU NEXT CHAPTER!!! xoxoxoxoxooxoxx :3

*vomits from overdosing on X's and O's.*

Christina Vampite (pronounced vom-pee-tay) would be a good character name. I think I'll steal it.

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6 – SunShine!

Heyo to every1! so nice to see you all again! :3:3:3

Erin and her three cats have arrived to grace us with more badfic! Actually, the idea that Erin's three cats are walking all over her keyboard as she's trying to write this makes most of the fic make much more sense.

(snip some nonsense about Erin's shopping trip with Jenny and what she bought)

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oooooo"We love Him because He first loved us." John 1 4:9-10 (Naww)oooooo

That quote does not occupy two seperate verses. Also, is that "Naww" supposed to be something like "Aaww?" I never thought of anything in the Bible being especially cute...

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I dremt about Edward that night. He was standing in a medhow and the wind was blowing softy. He was standing there ONLY in black pants and he was reely riped and sex-ah.

Yes, the Cullen fruit can only be considered ripe once it starts shedding its shirt and looking sex-ah. When eating, make sure to spit out any sparkly seeds, otherwise you will be impregnated with its demon spawn

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His wind was blowing through his orburn hare,

I'm trying to imagine a fart strong enough to make one's hair ripple.

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and his brewding amba eyes looked at me so devinely. I wanted to walk up to hymn and hug hymn, but then I woahk up. I lied there and thought how sexy he had looked in the meadow, I really likd him alot.

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I didn't kno if we were togather thow, so I decided to fined hymn and ask tomorrow at school.

"You didn't ask me out formally, but this is a first offense, so I'll only fine you $400, but if we have any repeats, I'll have to raise that to $1000."

Quote :

The next day at school i found hymn asked hymn.
“are we going out?” I asked uncertainly, twizzling my adorbale red hare (I had died it a little while ago for a new look)

How long ago is a "little while ago?" Why didn't you mention it until now? Also, how do you twizzle your hair, do you braid licorice into it?

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Edwerd locked at me because he was studying for that Biologee clas (eRin - SEE, CONTINUNITY!).

"Yeah, I spelled Biology the same way twice! It's still nowhere near the correct spelling, but you should be proud of me!"

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“Yes, but I can neva be truly with you due to the hungar for your bloood.” Said Edward, sadily. I froned. ” And there is something I want to show you after school.”He spoke.
I was excited because Edwards wanted to see me after school and i wondered what it was he wanted to show me. All day at school i thought about what it mighr be, and hoped it wasn't anything evel or that (He was still a vampire you no, im just givving a 2nd chance).

"Hmmm, I know he's a vampire, his only way of reassuring me when I expressed shock as to this fact was to proclaim himself a 'christina vampite,' and now he wants to take me someplace with nobody else and 'show me something.' I better take him up on that offer!"

Quote :

After school we met in the carpark and he led me to his car. It was a dark blue with silver rimming that looked reely nice.

So much for not having a car. CONTINUITY!

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I got more excited as he opened the door for me and then got in the other side. He then sped out of the carpark and took me to da forrest to..............his house!!1 :O

"It was................................................... DUMBLYDORE!!!11one" Sorry, these ellipses are giving me deja vu.

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His house was big and not 'modurn' in style ast all - it looked like a big Gotic/Romantic stile church but smaler and with more rock on the outside in that nice style peeple use to coat thier homes in rock. He took me inside and introduced me to his mother - MC

More evidence that Erin has not read the books; obviously she's never seen "Esme" spelled out, so she heard the movie call her that and misheard it as "MC."

Quote :

and his father Carlise.

How she managed to be only one letter off of the correct spelling for Carlisle cannot be explained here.

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They were nice though kinda boring and

Care to tell us what made them so boring? I mean, when Bella went to Edward's house she learned about his family history, which was the highlight of the book, so I'm having a hard time swallowing the fact that Sue didn't hear anything of interest to us readers.

Quote :

and we talked for a while but then then took me up to his room where he had lots of Relient K CDS and a big bed.

SHOW DON'T TELL! WHAT DID YOU TALK ABOUT?! IT MUST BE MORE INTERESTING THAN... THAN THIS! *gestures to fic*

Quote :

“I am going to show you what happens when i go in the sun.”

He was already in the sun, so Sue should have seen the sparkles.

(snip a description of Edward's sex-ahness and his outfit)

Quote :

He smiled at me and then stepped away from the window and sat on his bed, i sat down next to him then I asked.
“I thought vampires didn’t sleep?”
“They don’t but it looks nice.” He told me and then he laid down and I laid next to him.

Whaaaa...? Beds... look nice? In the book, Edward didn't have a bed, so why make this change?

Quote :

He was all sexah lieing their, and I snuggled hymn. He rolled over and coddled me and i coddled him back and we started to kiss.

OH. THAT'S WHY.

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I had don it before but my tongue had nevar felt fangs when doing it b4!

It was established in book one that Edward didn't have fangs! CONTINUITY!

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I took off his shirt and then he took off my pink top

"He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took my bra off. Then he put his thingy in my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."

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(BUT I STILL HAD TH BRA ON SO SHUSH)

OH, WELL THAT MAKES IT BETTER.

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Then Edward was on top of me and we caresed.
Then I felt something as he leened down again!
“No STEP IT! NO1” I yelled and Edward rolled off me looking confused and sad agin.
“I can’t do this yet," I look at hymn and frown because I'm sad for bof of us. "I am a Christen and we can’t have sex until we marri.”

Sue realizes she's a Purity Sue, and therefore can't possibly break a rule without losing her only positive characterization.

Quote :

Edward looked sad at me and said, “it’s ok, i wont hurt you” and then he hugged me again, but got whoreny and tried again but this time i pushed him off and put all my clothes on. “You have to marri me first! I want it 2 but WE CANNOT!!”

So, Edward just tried to date-rape Sue, and it is dismissed in one sentence. Clearly Sue is taking this relationship very seriously.

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Edward put his clothes back on to and looked sad. I felt sad too because he looked sad (and had his shirt back on he he ;p).

Erin, emoticons don't go in prose, neither does "he he."

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“It’s ok, we can try again later but if we do it now god will be mad. Remember what it says in the bible - DO NOT WAIST YOUR SEED.”

"Don't waste your seed" sounds more like a warning against masturbation, not premarital sex...

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Edward said he understood and then we just coddled instead even though deep down I really wanted to do it with him because he was big and sexy, but i loved god too much and I didn’t want to go against my religion.You shuould always stick to whta you belive.

Was that moral tacked on hard enough? I can't tell.

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Edward took me home that night and I walked in to see my father sitting at the table eating. He had had a hard day at work as the Mayor

So, in one day, Sue's dad went from a firefighter to the mayor. CONTINUITY!

Quote :

but he had cooked me diner so I sat down with him and we started to talk.
‘where ytou been Joan?” He asked
“At my boyfriends” I said and dad looked shocked

"Joan... you never told me you were gay!"

"Dad, we've been through this a hundred times, I'm a girl."

"NOWAI."

Quote :

“You have a girlboyfriend?” He asked

"Or, more appropriately, you have FRIENDS? How did that happen?"

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“Yes his name is Edwed Cillen.”
Dad didn’t look happy so i left coz he's an asshole sometimes

Yes, it's an asshole-ish thing to not be happy when your daughter comes home late without calling you because she was at the house of a boyfriend you've never met.

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but I luv him and went to my bed and went to sleep so I could dremt about Edwars and what we wod do tomorow.
Menwhile, little did I know it there was another Vampire who thought I smilled yummy - AND HE WAS CUMMING TO GRT ME!!!!!!!111111111 :o

You bet he was cumming.

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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

DUN DUN DUN! Those wh ohave red the book will know thier is James. But still, I promise to make him different so it's new, OK?

Wouldn't want to read Twilight all over again, now would we?

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Thanls for reeding everyone, I reely appreshit it!

We appreshit it too.

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:3 Love From The Lord Upon Ye All! xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox

And one of her cats has come to say goodbye and give us hugs and kisses! How sweet!

Am I the only one who read the title and thought you were going to do 50 Shades of Gray?

Dear God, this is killing me. Somebody please tell me this is a troll.

V3N0M wrote:

Am I the only one who read the title and thought you were going to do 50 Shades of Gray?

No, I thought so too, at first...after all, as 50 Shades of Grey was originally Twilight fanfiction filled with Ikea sex scenes (and written by someone who has no clue how real people - much less real people in America - talk), this could be the same author we're talking about.

Although, this can only be a troll. No-one is this ridiculously stupid. I think she's trying ridicule Christians, above all, even more than Twilight fans.



Even the people on deviantart consider this one epic fail.

But it is lulzy....as is the spork. Troll or no, good job.

Ron Raper, where are you?

It's been forever since I sporked this baby! I almost miss it...

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To the fake Christian who doubts my faith - How Dare YOU dowt my faith!?!?!11 I shal not be put of the Lord's paht because of FAKERS lik you. Believe means that we have to stick togather and be nice, so be nice and nt bitchee if you da reel deel mmk?

Never mind.

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NO MOR FLEMMING!11111

Yeah, guys, stop spitting your phlegm onto her keyboard, it's screwing with her ability to type!

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ooo "Bear one anotter's burdens." - Luke ooo

Now she's not even bothering to tell us the chapter and verse the quote comes from, just the book. She could just mean that Luke said it, but Jesus said it first, and whenever Luke said it, it was because he was quoting him, so technically THIS WHOLE BIT IS FUCKING STUPID.

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It was da next day and I was having brekfast (Erin: Coco Pops, yah! :D)

It's Coco Puffs, you bitch! How dare you desecrate the name of my beloved cereal!

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and dad passed me the molk. He still seamed a bit mad, but as I said last chapter he can be an asshole so I ignor him.

Again, the whole reason he is being an "asshole" is because she came home late with no explanation except that she was at her boyfriend's house, who by the way, Dad didn't even know existed.

Quote :

"So Joan tell me more aboat Edward." Asked Dad.

I was scholked! Dad has never wanted to know about my boyfrends b4; it was so unlike him to give a shit even when he was not drinking!

So Dad's an alchoholic, yet still manages to hold two full-time jobs as a firefighter and the mayor. Obviously he is hiding a Time-Turner somewhere.

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"Well" I started, "He's about my age, he's in a few on my classes and he's really ubeh hawt.

I don't know many teenage girls who would feel comfortable talking to their dads about how hot they think a guy is.

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We met a while ago and now we r going out!" I didn't tell him about the pormiscuity though, because it wasn't Edwerd's falt I just smelt that god for him. I thought and frowned because it seamed it might be hard to overcome da bloodlust.

The thought that you may well be killed by the man you "love" earns a "frown" from you. Sounds like canon Bella to me!

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"That is grate Jone! I am hapapy for you!"

"Thanks dad!" I hugged him then left because he'd hit the bottle soon and becum a total fuckhead. Sometimes i wonder if he's even my fater.

Look, Erin, if you want us to hate a character, then you have to show him acting like a jerk. We have seen nothing of your father except fighting fires, ruling a city, and being incredibly forgiving of you coming home late. You can't just lay it on that he's an alchoholic bastard without showing him actually drinking and acting like a real asshole.

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Edwred was at school when we arrived, and he introdouched me to his family propper.

Intro"douche"d? What, did they all get spray-on tans before coming to school in popped collars?

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"Hey I'm everyone, Joan!!

No, that's not the Cullens speaking in unison. That's Joan. Erin, I know that it's torture to read this stuff through, but as the author, you kinda have to do it in order to spot mistakes like these.

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And I'm currently dating your spunky bro here!" I said and hugged him tightly. He blushed and huggled me back. :3

Edward can't blush, he has no blood! And what has he done to deserve the title "spunky?" Does Erin just like the way the word sounds?

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"Yeah, I herd." Said Rosalie.

So, just like Jenny, Rosalie has made a career of herding things. But does she also herd mountains? Or perhaps something else, such as paperclips?

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"Has he told you we're Vampires?"

"No, but-- wait, what? Vampires?"

"Shit, Alice, you can't just say that aloud! Now she knows our secret!"

"Well, that's an easy fix!" *decapitates Sue with a spork*

Quote :

Asked Alice askingly.

Best. Dialogue tag. Ever.

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"Yah he has, and apparently I smell hawt!" I roared happily.

Everyone laurfed but then went serious. Emment told me seriously: "It's tru tho. I suffest you be careful until we adapt to your scent. We have to b carful around you for a while mmk?"

What is it with this Suethor and "mmmk"? Could it be a reference, or does she think people just talk like that?

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I nodded, and Jenny pooped into my mind.

Ewwww... well, at least we know it couldn't have decreased the quality of her gray matter at all...

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I had to tell Jaser! "Oh btw Japster," I told Jasper adorabliy, "My friend Jenny thinks your a big and sexy guy. I'll tell her abot the Christian Vampire thing and you 2 can date ja?"

Suddenly, the Sue is German.

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He blushed and nodded. (Erni: See Jen-Jen, I DID THIS FOR YO!!! ;2)

Meyerpires don't blush, they don't have blood!

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We were getting along great after awhile and soon we walked into the Cafeterra. I was talking about the girls and dressing tips - I was wearing a long white sweater with a flooing red skirt and stocksings and heals, and my hair was in epik ponytails and I had red mascara. They were wearing nice things too.

I'd complain about how the Sue gets costume porn, while the vampire girls don't, but really, that's nothing to complain about.

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We talked and talked, and then they all froze, and Edward........smacked me to the ground!!1 :o

HALLELUJAH!!!

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THEN THROUGHT THE WINDOW CAME JAMES AND JUMPED RIGHT INTOP OF ME!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111

He's inside her and on top of her at the same time?

Quote :

Hope you like that, and I hope you like th dayt wifth Emment Jenny!

She didn't get a date with Emmet, she got a date with Jasper! You just mentioned it a few paragraphs ago, so there's no "forgot between chapters" excuse!

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Next chapte is an EPIC FIGHT BETWEEN.................EDWARD AND JOMES! :O Dun Dum Dun!

Please tell me Edward dies in it.

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See, I'm deviating from da book now. I'll be using 'creative sinnarios' now! ENJOI! :D

Notice how "creative" is in quotes.

Sinnarios? But she won't get into heathen now!

Also, "Jomes" reminds me of when some people vandalised the Thomas the tank Engine pages on Wikipedia and posted details of characters and episodes they'd made up on the spot.

SouthSimGal wrote:

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It was da next day and I was having brekfast (Erin: Coco Pops, yah! :D)

It's Coco Puffs, you bitch! How dare you desecrate the name of my beloved cereal!

Er, Wikipedia Coco-Pops

Quote :

In 1998, the British arm of Kellogg's renamed the brand in the UK "Choco Krispies" so it would be similar to the way the product was branded in the rest of the world. Sales quickly declined and research carried out by the company found that 92% of the population wanted the name changed back to Coco Pops. Kellogg's reverted to the original name in 1999.