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 My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns

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Shadow Sora94

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PostSubject: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Fri Jan 11, 2013 8:06 pm

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. What can we say about it that we don't know? It was a cartoon meant to sell plastic horses made in China to little girls, it ended up becoming extremely popular and gathered a large fanbase, it's one of the most beloved cartoons on the air, and it contains the EVIL LIES OF FRIENDSHIP.

*thunder*

Ladies and gentlemen of WGW, allow me to introduce My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing.

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Now, before I discuss the story, let me delve into a little more history on it's origins.

This was the spawn of Dakari-King Mykan, a 25 year old man with the maturity of Christian Weston Chandler. He... is not fond of happyness, because in shows he likes, sadness always prevails. Let me pull a quote for you-

Quote :
To those who are still curious about my "My Little Unicorn Magic is Believing" fic, here is the explinations you seek...

First of all, I don't write fanfics for fun and games (That's the least bit) I write them because I'm angry and frustrated, and in pain.
Not just Teen Titans (Which affects me the worst above all of them) But Digimon... 6teen... Inuyasha... Zelda... The Orphen Video game... and many many others.

I'm not crazy, or homicidal, and I'll NEVER do anything really stupid. I'm ust very upset and feel helpless. Besides, what else would I do anyway... since I find moving on from it to be impossible?

Many things on TV, in games, even in everyday life can start to remind me of all that/ The reason I will not watch FIM is because it reminds me of the many bad cartoon endings I’ve seen (Teen Titans, 6teen, Digimon… and many more) and how the frustration is so unbearable that it keeps me awake at night with so many thoughts and torment of how all is ruined, and that I need to make more fics to empty my head so I can sleep better.

... Yeaah...

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Plus, I don’t believe Friendship is the real magic at all. (Since I and most people who even watch the show) are friendless, and can’t make friends. I fell the real magic comes from within, even if you have no friends you can still believe (Despite how Lightning is)

So I can’t really watch FIM at all… it’s too dangerous and I won't take the risk of being hurt again. (I tried to watch just one episode and felt sadened and frustrated for three whole days!) I just can't watch it. I can't be part of their world... and I CANNOT believe that Friendship is Magic... THAT IS A LIE!!!

Yeaaah, we aren't dealing with the sanest of writers.

This is a story that's supposed to be, as he believes, MLP done right. Yeah, he's one of those guys who believes his take on the story is better than canon. And this is a big part of the attitude on this fic- it's one giant improvement.

If you got time, here's an awesome fimchan thread on it- [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] And I might be referencing this on the future.

But now that we have the origins of this story out of the way, let's delve into this supposed improvement on the show he's never even watched. Thankfully though, this ventures into so-bad-it's-good territory, so it isn't just a pure assault on sanity. Usually.

So for now, let's look into the prologue- Intro: Legend of the Unicorns

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Author's notes:

FIM is a BIG MISTAKE to me... its horrible… so I guess an alternate universe is in order!

So you write an AU of it. Glorious.

This is just a prologue, and it's a shameless ripoff of the opening to the pilot.

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Far off in a distant dimension is the magical kingdom of Unicornicopia—home to many winged unicorns of different sizes and colors.

In a distant dimension, accessible only by a black hole in a galaxy far far away, a long time ago, lies a magical kingdom of a Mary Sue Race.

But yeah, they're all winged unicorns/alicorns/fuckitcorns.
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My Unicorns eveolve as a warrior race. Their Soul purpose is to fight to defend the Dimensional Universe from evil forces as best they can. they're magic is used for combat and fighting. They are Athropmorphic Unicorns, but do walk o all fours at times.

What an interesting race, huh? I mean, an entire race whose ONLY purpose is to fight evil! SO much better than the ponies who just want to live peaceful lives, right? I mean, how badass! Totally not a dystopia in the making!

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All were under the watchful eye of their grand ruler; the legendary tri-horned alicorn, and he was known as that because, unlike any other unicorn, he had three horns instead of one.

Just in case you have no sense of math.

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All, of which, were golden.

Check out the Grand Ruler's motherfucking bling, bitches.

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It was the grand ruler's solemn duty to protect his kingdom, maintain the balances of all nature, and look after the young unicorns.

Because there totally isn't a canon character that already does that.

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Each and every unicorn, though gifted with certain forms of magic and power, did not always rely so heavily on magic to solve all their problems and get through life, for they knew that the real magic came from the magic of believing!

... Believing in what? I mean, I can honestly see this concept. There's magic in the power of friendship, and maybe in believing there's nothing you can't do if you... believe in yourself? What am I supposed to believe in, author? Magic? Unity? Myself? That I can read this story without breaking something?

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But then, evil forces to attack the kingdom, led by a powerful and evil sorcerer from another dimension who sought to obtain all the magic he could find, and rule all worlds and all dimensions with darkness and chaos. The unicorns tried to reason with him but the sorcerer merely scoffed at their friendly ways, and talk of believing, and unleashed his dark magic, threatening the entire kingdom with chaos and destruction.

Ladies and gentlemen, the only person you should root for in this story. A generic doomsday villain named Titan.

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The unicorns band together, but proved to be no match for the magic that threatened their world, but when all hope seemed lost, The Grand Ruler leapt into action to defend his kingdom and subjects, and using the power of his golden horn, he unleashed the mighty magic of the uniforce…! The sorcerer was overpowered and conquered!

Ahhh, a powerful ruler who managed to defeat the big bad on his own using the most powerful force in the known world. Where have we heard this story before? Certainly not in that world that this was written to forget about!

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Despite calls for his death, The Grand Ruler, whom many feared too kind, merely banished the fallen sorcerer to the Dimension of Darkness as fitting punishment for his treachery.

Certainly that's nothing like Celestia taking mercy on Nightmare Moon, right?

Sceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeene breaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak.

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A small white unicorn, with a brown short mane, and a marking "AO0C" on his chest armor finished the story. His companion, a small fairy with long blonde hair, and wearing a pink skirt felt puzzled. "So it really does exist, Lightning…?" she asked.

Oh, yeah, these pon- umm, unicorns are always clothed.

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"It sure does, Krysta." responded Lightning "But I don't know why The Grand Ruler told me to come here, or why he wants me to be his apprentice. He knows I can't do magic just like other unicorns."

It was true! Though Lightning Dawn was indeed a unicorn, for some reason he just couldn't seem to perform magic like any other could. The only thing unusual about him was he had a golden horn, but he still didn't understand.

Well, I'm sure that's not going to be extremely important eventually. Or that it isn't a sign of him being a Mary Sue. I mean, a gold horn- what could possibly be so special about that?

So, Lightning and his fairy arrives in White Village in order to follow Grand Master's instructions-

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"Once you arrive, you should go out and meet your newfound future friends and comrades. They have already been told of your coming and are anxious to meet you, and may very well help you, but no matter where you go, Lightning, and no matter what you do… always remember to believe."

Lightning could hardly understand what all this "Believing" was supposed to mean either.

You and me both, brother.

Quote :
MY LITTLE UNICORN

(Magic is believing)

Ummm... what the fu-

Quote :
Send a message out across the sky

Evil forces now are jamming by

Who will come and save us in this hour

Who can defend us from their power

Oh, you are fucking no-

Quote :
MAGIC!

MAGIC!

MAGIC!

MAGIC!



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Save the world from a fate harsh and cruel

Send out the unicorns to fight and duel

Always daring and corageous

Oo-Ooh... only they can save us



It's better than reading this, trust me.

Quote :
MAGIC!

MAGIC!

MAGIC!

MAGIC!

... I'm really reading this. I can't believe it. I'm really reading this and I'm sporking it. This was written by a 25 year old man and he's dead serious about it. I have over 20 chapters of it left to read. Oh God help me.

Quote :
MY LITTLE UNICORN

(Magic is believing)

MAGIC...!

Ohhhh, thank God. It's over. The song is fianlly over and the first slice of this sporking can now en-

Quote :
Author's notes:

I repeat, this is a whole new universe, so forget about FIM and anything you learned from that… that… PLACE!

Things are going to be different around here.

... Ok, now it's over. 28 chapters, everybody. 28 chapters.

I hope you all enjoy the ride~
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Francis

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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Sun Jan 13, 2013 1:47 pm

Your sporking made me laugh, even considering the inherent sadness of the context...
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WD40
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Sun Jan 13, 2013 2:42 pm

[edit for contribu-sporking]

Quote :
Plus, I don’t believe Friendship is the real magic at all. (Since I and most people who even watch the show) are friendless, and can’t make friends.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :
Unicornicopia

The only problem I have with this word, is that I will almost never be able to use it in actual conversation.

Quote :
Quote :
home to many winged unicorns of different sizes and colors.

[...]
But yeah, they're all winged unicorns/alicorns/fuckitcorns.

I genuinely went on a quest to find out whether there was an actual name for Winged Unicorns. I checked Alicorn, which thought was the right word, turns out it's not, although it's genrally accepted by Greater Nerds . I found Pegacorn, which sounds like something that should be fried in veggie oil and covered in chili sauce. I've heard Unipegs, which sounds like a hollow plastic gardening tool that youd likely pay 5 bucks for at the same sort of place you'd buy hot Pegacorns.

... Although I personally, and several others, reckon the correct term would be "Chimera".

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What an interesting race, huh? I mean, an entire race whose ONLY purpose is to fight evil! [...] I mean, how badass! Totally not a dystopia in the making!

D&DfansayasNO! Colbert

Quote :
Quote :
All were under the watchful eye of their grand ruler; the legendary tri-horned alicorn, and he was known as that because, unlike any other unicorn, he had three horns instead of one.

Just in case you have no sense of math.

... and have forgotten what a fucking Triceratops is.

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Each and every unicorn, though gifted with certain forms of magic and power, did not always rely so heavily on magic to solve all their problems and get through life, for they knew that the real magic came from the magic of believing!

Someone is a follower of Destrucity!

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Lightning Dawn was indeed a unicorn, for some reason he just couldn't seem to perform magic like any other could. The only thing unusual about him was he had a golden horn, but he still didn't understand.

Having just finished reading a story about a superhero-mega-god-unicorn with golden horns. Lightning Dawn & everyone around him is an idiot.

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"Once you arrive, you should go out and meet your newfound future friends and comrades. They have already been told of your coming and are anxious to meet you, and may very well help you [...]

[ponyknowedge] When Celestia sent Twilight Sparkle off into the world, she arranged it so that Twi would have to make friends on her own, in order to find out how weird, fun and otherwise awesome friends could be, should you be willing to put the effort into making them.[/ponyknowedge]

Considering this author's, erm, perspective, on friendships... I can imagine the reasoning "Grand Master" has in skipping over the whole "making friends" part and just phoning ahead and saying: "Hay guys. I'm sending some douchebag over. Just hang out with him, yeah? I know he's a pain, but I'll owe you a solid. Cool?"

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[...] but no matter where you go, Lightning, and no matter what you do… always remember to believe."

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

And, to repeat the question: Beleive in what exactly?"

Quote :
MY LITTLE UNICORN

(Magic is believing)

What.

The.

Shit.


...

Thanks for bringing this gem to us, Shadow Sora. I'm loving it, and lovin' your snark. Are you gonna tackle the whole thing? I haven't had a giggle like this in a while!


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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Sun Jan 13, 2013 5:14 pm

Quote :
My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing.
Dude, if you're trying to convince your shit is BETTER than MLP, it helps not to name it using Chinese Knockoff Logic.
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Shadow Sora94

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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Sun Jan 13, 2013 7:53 pm

Glad you both liked it :D

And yeah, I'm gonna try aiming for sporking the whole thing (speaking of which, liked your sporking also WD c:! asf;akldfjafa, missed opportunity with that triceratops thing ;.; ). Ideally I'd really like to get one in per day, buuut with school starting tomorrow I can't make many promises. Although it's kind of long, I really hope I manage to finish this fucker off.

Now, with that in mind, let's look at chapter 2. Now, I was hoping for killing two birds with one stone, but honestly- these are fairly long chapters. I'm about 1/4 of the way done with the second one, and honestly, this is like after an hour and a half of working on it. Granted, I'm not 101% devoted to this at the moment, but honestly I'm pretty tired and hungry. I'll try to get Part 2 up before I go to bed tonight, but for now, here's Part 1.

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There were many different places in Unicornicopia; most were named after their colors.

...

THE FIRST FUCKING SENTENCE.

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Bluesville… Greenland… Orange-Range… but the central and largest area was called Rainbow City Central, where most Unicorns went to have fun, or do their duties. Lightning could see them all down below, the anthropomorphic unicorns having fun, going to work, or some just flying around.

Wow, feel the creativity radiating from those names! I mean, these are clearly the best kind of names, right? So much better than Ponyviiiiiiiluuuumm wow that's a shitty first example. But still, Rainbow City Central- obviously so much better than Canterlot, right? Why go to Cloudsdale when you can chill out in Greenland? And apples? Pfffft. Appleoosa is for squares, for a good time you gotta go to Orange-Range! And Ponyville... well, every day is just happyiness and sunshine and the lies of friendship. Why spend all day being happy when you can unleash your inner emo and shit poetry in Bluesville?

Also, have fun? Come on, Mylkan. I thought your race was supposed to be 100% devoted to fighting the FORCES OF EVIL and other shit like that. Now they can have fun normally?

Quote :
"I should find someplace to land." said Lightning "Not around here. It's too crowded." said Krysta. With that, they both decided to fly around and look for someplace soft. There was a nice vacant area near a large garden with vegetables and beautiful flowers and plants. The perfect place to land…!

"How about your new home? The one our beloved Big Brother wishes for you to live in?"

"Fuck you Krysta, there's FLOWERS DOWN THERE"

Quote :
"Wow!" exclaimed Lightning as he gazed at the lovely flowers.

What a manly warrior of toughness and machoness, huh?

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"Double wow!" added Krysta as she hovered around sniffing the many sensational smells.

"Lightning, some kind of odd sausage plans is growing! It's brown and has this weird odor, wanna smell it with me?"

... I'm resorting to potty humor to have a good time now. Ugh.

Quote :
"Krysta…?" cried Lightning "Krysta, No!"

"Dear God, Krysta, you'll kill us all! Stop!"

Quote :
"AH-CHOO…!" and even though she was just a little fairy, that single sneeze caused the flower she sniffed to keel over and lose all its petals. "Oh! Oh my!" cried Krysta.

Poor flower. It hated being in this story so much, it committed suicide the second anything even remotely bad happened to try to get out of it.

Quote :
That's when a red unicorn came dashing over. "Oh, no…! Not again?" he groaned as he gently began to scoop the fallen flower into a pot.

Again, what a manly badass, right? I wouldn't mind much if this was canon MLP, but for fuck's sake, this story was priding itself on how it's winged unicorns were an all-warrior race and badasses. Come on, story, have Lightning be awesome already! I mean, I imagine Krysta is small. Have a really large dog charge at her when she's caught off guard- then because Lightning can't do magic, have him take the bite and get a nasty gash on his arm, punch the dog and shake him off, then deliver the mutt a death glare so intense it runs off. You know, something you think a member of a badass warrior race owuld do. That's the whole point of this story- that these characters are supposed to be so much more fucking badass than the ponies, for Christ's sake!

And I won't forgive it because this is a new character. If I read a story where the selling point is I'm gonna read the main character be badass and kick alot of ass, then I wanna read some good ol' fashioned, no hands-behind-their-back fighting. Let's review what Mykan said-

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The Unicorns are basicaly a warrior-race, their soul purpose is to FIGHT to DEFEND. Protecting the dimesnions... as well as Equestria and their own from as much evil as they can. This is why they usually wear torso armor, pants/skirts, and boots. Their powers and magic are mostly used for battle and combat, while others are used for other purposes...

So why are my first real glimpses of your trainwreck are unicorns chilling and having fun, Lightning landing in a garden because of the pretty flowers and loving it, and some red pony apparently tending to this garden? Somepony throw a fucking punch already!

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The other unicorn nodded. "My name's Buddy Rose. Code-Number: FT5H. I'm the caretaker of the community garden. I can handle any flower, tree, weed- anything that grows."

Oh yeah, instead of cutie marks we get serial numbers.

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Yes... SERIAL NUMBERS.... so they can be different

My unicorns evolve as a warrior race... their soul purpose is to FIGHT to defend. There are other evil forces and other bad guys out there... (STOP LYING TO ME MYKAN)

Remind you of anything, folks?

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and in no time at all, the flower Krysta had ruined was standing upright again, and Buddy didn't seem to use any form of magic but rather ordinary gardening.

...

WHAT KIND OF FUCKING GARDENING IS THAT!? How do you- I don't even- what!? Krysta destroyed that flower with a sneeze! How does non-magic just fix it in no-time at all!?

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Buddy hated to dash off but he had a few other vegetables to take care of. "Oh I'm sorry to impose, but could you do me a really big favor?" he asked while giving Lightning a small basket of vegetables. "Ugh…!"

"Could you take these to the Rainbow Dish Inn, when you go through town? Please?" and before Lightning could answer, Buddy had gone off, "Thank you!" he called back.

... Rainbow Dish Inn? Really?

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It was a good thing that Unicornicopians were anthropomorphic, meaning Lightning could just stand upright and walk on his hind legs while using his front legs like arms to carry the basket. "Oh! This is heavy…!" he groaned.

Yeaaah, I know I kind of gave this away in the title, but really. What the fuck, why? Ponies have magic Powerpuff Girls hands (sometimes) for picking up shit, what was the purpose of just dropping us in on it? It's not making your mary sue race any less impressive.

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"Ugh!" groaned Lightning, but then the other unicorn caught the sight of Krysta. "Is that a…fairy?" His eyes lit up like the sun. "Hold still, please!" he said with excitement

"I need to capture her in a bottle- If the story's shittyness gets to the point I try to kill myself, I just wanna have one try to have a re-do in case I change my mind."

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The unicorn introduced himself as Artie. Code-number: HV7J. He loved to pain, draw, and sculpt. "You should come to my art gallery sometime, both of you."

*sigh*

I'm gonna be really, really honest. When you go on that fimchan thread, some parts of this story, and the like. Honestly... it is SO easy to make fun of how much these are NOT a proud warrior race whose entire life revolves around fighting- he's a fucking artist for god's sake (surprise surprise, he drew a painting of Krysta in no time flat)! So, for the sake of not making the same joke for 26 more snarks and getting really old, I'm gonna try my best to refrain from these from now on.

... Unless the story really, really asks for it.

Soo, Lighting runs off aaaaaand... bumps into another pony. Great.

He got up and the yellow unicorn apologized.

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"I'm very sorry to have knocked you down.

I was in hurry to get into town."

... Really weird that split into two lines.

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"I'll help you as part of my task." said the unicorn "Say! Are you Lightning Dawn, may I ask?"

Already hate him. And if he dares have the gimmick I think he has...

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"Um… do you always speak like that?" asked Krysta.

"It makes you sound like an asshole."

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The unicorn chuckled…

"If you mean if I always speak in rhyme…

The answer is yes… all the time."

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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"My name is XL7Z.

But if you wish, you may call me Rhymey.

I know we haven't introduced most of our cast yet, but anyone wanna guess who the scrappy and the most fucking hated character by readers tends to be?

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I love to speak in Rhyme, you see.

…as well as writing odes and poetry…"

I WANT TO MURDER YOU.

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"I was on my way to a rendezvous…

…when I accidently ran into you

I hope that in future we can chat,

But if you'll excuse me, I must scat."

Thank. God.

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"Wow! He sure loves to rhyme." said Krysta.

Just in case the name Rhymey and the wasted 20 seconds of your life didnt clear that up.

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"And to think we'll that when we meet him next time." added Lightning.

...

And to think we'll that when...

... What...?

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Then he and Krysta realized they both just made a rhyme, and they were both not amused.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Neither am I. So anyways, onto Lightning's destination!

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The restaurant seemed packed. There so many unicorns of many colors, and number-codes.

Because it's so fun to look at number codes as opposed to cutie marks, right?

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Some, who looked as if they had already eaten, were still eating. "They must've really been hungry." said Krysta.

...

So then we meet the newest pony- Cookie Dough! And he's a chef, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Surprise surprise, nothing interesting happens.

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Lightning turned and saw a white unicorn with a pink mane, and wearing a cap with a red cross on it approaching him. Her number was DR3F, but everyone knew her as Dr. Penny Sillion. "Are you Lightning Dawn?" she asked.

Maykan, we don't CARE ABOUT THE SERIAL NUMBERS. WHY should we? Just tell us their names and be done with it!

So then Lightning has to do some mandatory exercise because.... umm.... well there really isn't much of a reason. Just an excuse for the doc to gawk at the golden horn.

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Lightning felt the same, and he got a sick feeling that they weren't alone. Then, all at once, the lights went on followed by the voices of many yelling "SURPRISE…!"

Balloons and decorations were everywhere as confetti fell from the ceiling, and big banner that read, "Welcome, Lightning Dawn"

Naaaah, this totally isn't a rip-off the Return of Harmony, everyone.

So then we meet the librarian, ES4G, Inquerius. Then, we meet Abra-Kadabra, the magician! No, I'm not shitting you, he's Abra-Kadabra! Abra for short! Abra-Kadabra-Alakazam for his complete name!

Blah blah blah magic tricks blah blah blah I'm bored blah blah blah somebody save me from reading this blah blah blah new character!

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"Oh, thank you so much." said the voice. Lightning turned round and saw the voice belonged to… the most… beautiful unicorn he had ever seen! She was white, and had a violet sparling mane, long eyelashes which glittered when she blinked; her armor sparkled like the very stars themselves. She was looking through her telescope, up at the night sky.

R... Rarity!?

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"Um… what's your name?" asked Lightning.

The unicorn looked at him and spoke softly. "My name's Starla- Starla Shine. Code-Number: KY1M. Who are you?"

He hesitated for a minute as he found himself lost in Starla's eyes, "I'm Lightning Dawn. Code-Number: AO0C."

"Lightning…" Starla said softly.

Spoiler alert- she's gonna be his love interest.

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The two of them seemed to get along well for having just met. Starla explained she loved to look at the stars because to her they could tell stories, or give you advice. "They can?" asked Lightning.

Starla nodded and showed him recordings of her sightings. "These groups of stars tell us how many centuries ago, The Grand Ruler fought off the evil sorcerer, and defeated him, and these groups here, tell the story of how today a new arrival would be coming… that's you I guess."

Spoiler alert- Mary Sue.

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Lightning told her to calm down. He didn't believe the evil that The Grand Ruler had banished all those centuries ago would return, when suddenly there was large quake followed by strikes of dark lightning and a sinister laughing sound…! "Heh, ha, ha, ah, ah, ah, aaahh…!

"Hahahahahaha! I am such a sinister villain this scene alone surely cannot destroy my credibility as a villain right off the bat!"

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Then… there… on the stage… appeared a tall human-shaped figure dressed in dark robes, shoulder-guards, and a dark hood atop completely concealing his face within its shadows- except his eyes, his red and evil eyes glowing in the darkness within the hood.

I have a feeling this would be just a teeeeeeensy bit more effective if we could actually see him. Also, if this story didn't suck. Really, what's so wrong with a dark lord in a suit or something?

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Lightning could barely speak as he just stood there, gawking at the evil creature as it spoke. "I… am… Titan! The emperor of all darkness, and bringer of chaos and nightmares…!"

Also if he wasn't a villain who announces himself like he's a five year old. You know, Mykan. It's not that readers can't enjoy an emperor of the darkness, bringer of chaos and nightmares, it's just... people fucking hate it when the villain announces it. Don't Fap your villain's ego, Mykan.

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Titan chuckle evil

"HAEVILHAEVILHAEVILHAEVIL!"

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Yes! But alas, that seal could not keep me a prisoner forever. Your grand ruler should have finished me off when he had the chance! Now, his mistake shall be inflicted on you all as my first order of vengeance of being locked up for all these centuries…! THIS WORLD… AND ALL ITS MAGIC… NOW BELONGS TO ME…!"

"Everything, including the pretty flowers!"

"YOU MONSTER!"

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His evil laugh echoed as he made lightning strike the skies! The unicorns were in deathly trouble now!

... PFFFFFT. Way to make the ending hilarious, Mykan

Quote :
Author's notes:

If your wondering what all these code-numbers are for...

Like I said, this is not FIM. Things are different here, and that means, No Cuite Marks! Instead, we have code-numbers.

All right, now time for PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Rightafterthisbreak.

EDIT- Well, tried, but I just wasn't able to finish it in time. Super tired, gotta be up early, sorry. However, I am about 2/4 of the way done now, and I should be able to put this up tomorrow. Gnight~
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Mon Jan 14, 2013 10:42 am

Quote :
but the central and largest area was called Rainbow City Central, where most Unicorns went to have fun, or do their duties.

Because part of what makes this world so awesome is that here, you can have fun and do your job at the same time.

I'm all for AUs, when done right - one of my best stories crapped AU out the ASS, the ASS I tells ya. But why the hell does anybody bother to write an AU of something and then just change everything?

And I don't mean changing by "Okay, let's put them in Crossover-Land/High School/Prison" but EVERYTHING, right down to personalities and relationships and EVERYTHING.


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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Mon Jan 14, 2013 10:45 am

Naturally when 'improving' a show like FiM you need to get rid of all the cooty-nasty lady characters and replace them with men, except for the requisite ineffectual dumbass and sparky-pretty love interest, of course.

Also WTFing my ass off at the opinion that most pony-fans are friendless. Like, I am having a trouble even mustering up an 'lol bronies suck' joke because that is just sooooo... like, how hard is it to have friends, anyway? I mean, are there really that many people running about who honestly believe they have no friends? My mind is just spinning in place trying to figure this whole 'friendlessness' thing out and I just keep getting a time-out error.


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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Mon Jan 14, 2013 10:48 am

Quote :
"Double wow!" added Krysta as she hovered around sniffing the many sensational smells.

Hmmm, I smell Canon Character Import. You know, Krysta from Ferngully? Who also wears RED?!

Crossovers make me sad.

Well, there was one that was good...
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Mon Jan 14, 2013 11:47 am

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:
Quote :
"Double wow!" added Krysta as she hovered around sniffing the many sensational smells.

Hmmm, I smell Canon Character Import. You know, Krysta from Ferngully? Who also wears RED?!
Oh god, I knew that name sounded familiar. Too bad we couldn't get a proper girl!Spike (even though she probably wouldn't have his personality anyway).

Or guy!Rarity.
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Mon Jan 14, 2013 12:27 pm

(if anybody can tell me how to work on a draft once it's saved, I'd really appreciate it. Thankfully I saved all this unto a word document before stopping last night)

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If you're interested, here's an animation of his ponies. Anyways though, onto Part 2!

Quote :
With his raging fury, Titan began to capture unicorns, and imprison them. Some tried to fight him only to wind up being captured as well. "Easy pickings!" laughed Titan.

Before long, the library was a complete and total mess. Bookshelves were knocked down; books scattered all over the floor along with the broken glass and ruined party supplies. A; the other unicorns began to run in panic, much to Titan's amusement.

Lightning was furious! "What are you going to do with those captured unicorns?" he demanded to know.

At least Lightning is kind of genre savvy. He realizes Titan is far too stupid a villain to keep his intentions to himself, meaning he can learn Titan's plan right away with no effort.

Quote :
"I will extract their magic and add it to my own power to get stronger." answered Titan "Power is the only way to live, after all. Hmm, mm, mm…!"

"I'm also a walking stereotype of a dark lord, for I am a six year old's first attempt at creating a villain! Hahaha! ... Wait, hold on, the guy who wrote me is 25? Are you serious?"

You know, this worked really easily with Nightmare Moon and Discord because they were pretty simple- one wanted an eternal night, one wanted to be the ultimate real life troll by dicking with nature. Also it's a show for little kids (well, it was once upon a time...) where the villains aren't supposed to be ultra-dynamic and epic. It's sad- Titan could almost fit into MLP, with a ton of editing to him. Unfortunately, to Mykan, that's not epic or cool enough (he's gone on to say he sees Discord as just a joke and not evil enough). Bad guys need to be like Power Rangers villains- just there to mess stuff up (coughcoughDiscordcough) and look cool. Except Power Rangers can be fun sometimes. This really isn't.

Quote :
A blaze of furry sparked inside Lightning and he charged straight at the evil sorcerer. "Lightning…No!" cried Starla.

"We have yet to have our Mary Sue babies, Lightning! You can't die now! Not until I have your sperm!"

Quote :
"Fool…!" snarled Titan "You are as foolish as you are powerless. Your efforts are futile, and the power of all Unicornicopia… will be MINE!" He laughed maliciously as his vanished into the darkness from whence he came, taking all the unicorns he had captured with him.

Lightning angrily pounded the floor with his hove in frustration.

"Drat >:l!"

So then we get a new cast member.
Quote :
The green unicorn kept his cool. "My name, good sir, is Brain, and as soon as I knew there was trouble I began to… eh… make my calculations, and confirm my theories, and I have come to tell you that, I just may know where Titan has gone."

... For some reason he's British. Because... why not?

Quote :
Lightning Starla and Krysta followed brain to his home, a massive workshop and laboratory, and that pretty much confirmed that Brain was a regular genius and scientific inventor.

Show us he's a genius and inventor, don't tell Actually, no. You already said he has a massive workshop and lab- the average reader is not as dumb as a rock. We can figure it out ourselves.

Quote :
"Please do not touch anything." He warned the others "One little accident could cause massive trouble."

The others gulped hard, and Brain then sat himself down at a strange contraption that seemed to be heating water. Brain sniffed the steam. "Ahh…! Satisfactory…" he sighed "Most satisfactory."

I really, really hope unicorns don't usually talk like this :l

Quote :
"What… what is that?" asked Krysta "Is it a device that lets you find Titan? Something that can beat him or get the unicorns back…?"

"What? Oh, don't be silly…" said Brain "This device is merely used to make me a cup of tea. I've finally perfected it you know."

I feel like this is a joke that could be appreciated if it was actually in a decent comedy story. Unfortunately, Mykan was not aiming for that.

Quote :
"A cup of tea…?" Starla asked. She sounded most annoyed "I thought you said you knew where Titan had gone?" added Lightning.

You think you're annoyed? Sister, I have to ready your fuckheap of a story carefully. I doubt you're as close to breaking something as I am 8l

Quote :
"But I do…" snapped Brain. He cleared his throat "Begging your pardon. If you will just hand me that map over there..."

Because God forbid we have an obstacle to overcome that requires tact and thinking and doesn't take ten seconds to overcome.

Quote :
Neither of the others could understand his calculating one bit, but in the end, "Ah, ha! Satisfactory…! Most satisfactory..."

Dammit.

So, Pinky and the Brain exclaims the only place Titan could have taken him was at Blacktop Mountain, on the other side of Violet Swamp. Why? Because he's smart so obviously his word must always be taken. Mykan didn't feel the need to explain why he thinks Titan would be here.

Quote :
"Then that's where we should be heading." Lightning suggested.

"Oh, good heavens, no!" snapped Brain "You know it's dangerous to be wandering through the swamp at night? And I would strongly suggest against flying over it, for fear of being spotted by the enemy."

"Swamp Thing might grab you, child! Or some other horror I don't feel the need to explain!"

I really want to apologize if you're a Swamp Thing fan and this makes it impossible to take him seriously again.

Quote :
"We have to do something." snapped Lightning "We can't just let that monster drain the magic away and hurt the unicorns."

Krysta felt Lightning was right, but wasn't too keen about entering a dark and scary swamp in the dark of the night. Starla tried to talk Lightning out of it, especially since she knew Lightning would be in real danger as he had no magic to even light his way, let alone overcome any dangers.

Really wish I was still jumping on every time the proud warrior race turns out to be a bunch of pussies.

...

Wait a minute did I just- GODDAMMIT

Quote :
Lightning could see that no one was willing to cooperate with him. "I guess I have no choice. I'm going alone!" he snapped as he dashed out of the lab. "Lightning…!" cried Krysta!

"Oh, dear!" cried Brain.

"Bugger, our protagonist has skadooshed on us? This is not satisfactory, not most satisfactory!"

Quote :
They all ran to the door but Lightning had already taken off through the air. "Poor creature." said Brain "I fear he doesn't realize what he's getting himself into."

"... Creature? We're all Unicorns, Brain..."

"Ahh, yes, but your dumbasses, of which I am not, and since I'm solving our problems I get to call you what I want. For that is satisfactory, most satisfactory."

He honestly only says this twice his chapter, but rest assured, the voice in your head screaming in horror is correct- this is Brain's catchphrase.

Scene break yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

Quote :
On Black-Top Mountain, inside and old abandoned shrine-Titan had placed all the unicorns he had captured in magical bubbles which would slowly drain them of their magic and transfer it to his powers. He sniggered wickedly as he watched the energy flow in streams into a giant sphere in the center of the shrine that he would soon absorb. "Wonderful…!"

"Now, I have all the ponies I need to gain the power to RULE THE UNIVERSE! Then, with their husks, I shall make them clop and sell the footage! I'll be a billionare by next week's episode!"

Quote :
"Minions…! Come to me!" he then called.

... Oh, goodie.

Quote :
"Mysterious at your service, my lord, Titan…"

"So mysterious in fact, it hides the fact my lack of creative traits as a character."

Quote :
Another evil unicorn standing upright on his hind-legs and holding a scythe appeared. "Rep-Stallion… at your command…"

"Can you give me a few, though? I'm twirling my evil moustache."

Quote :
Then a third one who resembled an evil version of Starla appeared "I am Dementia."

"Anybody seen my dentures?"

Quote :
This pleased (the minions laid some traps) Titan, but he warned his minions not to take the unicorns lightly. "They are still capable of many things. I should know this."

Quote :
Dementia suddenly felt a disturbance in the force. "Someone is approaching the swamp." she said.

.................

WAT.

SO... they're... they're Jedis also? That's.... well, that's just fucking fantastic.

Quote :
The minions were told of Lightning and how he couldn't do magic and decided he was no big threat, but Titan begged to differ. He knew The Grand Ruler chose Lightning to be his apprentice, but exactly why was a mystery, even to him.

Another mystery- the fuck is Grand Ruler doing anyway? I swear, if this is some test to make Lightning learn to believe... you know, Celestia had a reason for letting Twilight take on NM without telling her what was going on :I

Quote :
Lightning made it to the starting point of Violet Swamp, and Brain wasn't kidding- it really did seem dark and creepy at night. Just gaze through the thickets and brambles was enough to send chills up one's spine. Still, Lightning has come this far, he wasn't willing to turn back now.

"Oh, Grand Ruler, how I hate the Evertree Forest... wait, what?"

Quote :
"I can do this. I will do this!" he kept saying. Then he took one step forwards, crushing a twig with his hove followed by all kinds of screeches and noises from within the swamp.

"I think I can I think I can I think I can ;.;"

Quote :
"I'm going to die!" nevertheless, in he went!

"Finally, a way out of this steaming pile of a story!" I love how self-confident he is.

Quote :
It was hard to see when there wasn't so much light, but at least it wasn't so pitch dark you couldn't see anything.

Lamps? Flashlights? Torches? What are those? Obviously the smart thing to do is just rush into the swamp without any backup light if you can't use magic!

Quote :
Jagged rocks, and fallen logs seemed to trip him everywhere he stepped, he even ruined his boots on his hind legs by stepping in mud, and decided to continue on all fours.

Nooooo! Not the boots! Not the boots that should be made just for muddy/wet terrains because fashion is supposed to be girly and you don't just have designer boots!

But really, what? Doesn't this defeat the purpose of having boots? Not to mention what good can come from going on all fours? If the swamp is so bad you're getting stuck with boots on, what is the logic in this?

Quote :
Suddenly, Lightning turned and thought he saw a monster, but it was only a tree in the shape of a monster. He saw a scary claw, which was actually just a long branch. Lightning took in a deep breath and counted to ten, then again, and felt better… until he heard the sound of footsteps coming towards him. Quivering in fear, he ducked down, and peeped, "Who's there…?"

"WAAAAAH I'M SCARED STAY AWAY FROM ME! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HELP WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

Quote :
The bushes shook and twigs snapped, but then a friendly voice called. "Lightning…? It's okay… it's just me."

"M-mommy!?"

"No, Krysta."

"Oh. Get lost Krysta i'm too busy crying to care."

OK. Maybe, just maybe, I can accept the fact he's scared because everyone else can use magic and he can't. I can accept this- he's a dumbass to ventured off to danger when he has no means of defending himself. However, it makes him said dumbass because he's fighting an ancient evil with no way to defend himself.

Quote :
Krysta couldn't let her friend do this alone, and that was why she brought some help. That was when several of the others, Buddy Rose, Artie, Rhymey, Brain, and even Starla, came out from the branches, all holding lanterns and flashlights.

See, Lightning!? See how handy these devices are!?

Quote :
Each and everyone one of them admitted that they, too, weren't willing to let Titan get away with what he did, and all offered to help Lightning stop him. "You'd really all does that… for me?" asked Lightning.

"Eh. It took a lot of bribing, but I got them to tag along."

"We were informed there would be money involved. Because our world does not revolve around friendship. Rather, it is believing, and thankfully for you we believe in money."

Quote :
Buddy Rose spoke on everyone's behalf when he said. "That's what friends are for. It's one for all and all for one."

*SCRATCH RECORD.*

....

.......

......... Eh?

Quote :
The others all agreed and put their hooves together, all saying "It's one for all, and all for one…!"

"…And we won't quit 'till our task is done." added Rhymey.

Lightning felt touched, and place his hove in with everyone else's, and then they all set off together. Rhymey even decided to make things easier. Horn glowed, and he shouted, "WARD SWORD!" causing a small blade to materialize so he could cut and hack away at all the brambles and thickets, making a clear path through.

....

.......

........ EEEHHH!?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

WHAT THE HELL.

Mykan, you said this story wasn't about friendship! It's about 'believing' whatever the fuck we're supposed to believe in!? You have gone on the record in saying that's all bullshit- hell, YOU don't even believe in friendship in the real world!

Quote :
You see... I still don't want fall in love, or have friends. I want to prove you can make it to a ripe old age being, upset, angry, lonely, or afraid! And that you don't need romance to live either.

I decided this LONG LONG ago... I was one of those kiddy boys who said "I'd never be into gurls and that kissy stuff. GROSS" and I plan to keep it not cave in like everyone else.

WHY. WHY DON'T YOU STICK WITH THIS? This is supposed to be a much better AU of MLP with a whole different message- DO NOT PUT FRIENDSHIP ON OUR PLATE YOU ASS.



Quote :
"Follow me this way…

Hurry now! Don't delay."

FALL. OFF. A. CLIFF. NOW.

Quote :
The others seemed to know their way around the swamp better than Lightning did, but still. Even though they were all together, they all felt equally as scared, especially when they ran into a real and gigantic tree monster. "A dog-wood!" cried Buddy Rose. "Everybody, run…!"

Because Grand Ruler forbid it's a fake monster that's really the disguise of the newest Scooby Doo villain.

Quote :
The monstrous creature lunged at the unicorns. It wasn't very fast, but very fierce and nasty. "What is that thing?" asked Lightning, and Buddy explained it was a creature called a Dog-Wood, "And believe me, its bark isn't nearly as bad as its bite."

.... oh my God, actual conflict.

Quote :
Brain couldn't understand what a Dog-Wood would be doing in the swamp when there hadn't been any known or seen around for centuries. "I fear that this is the work of our enemy."

"Tell us something we couldn't already figure out…" snapped Lightning "… like how to get past it!"

Wow. he made an actually good point. I'm impressed, Lightning.

Quote :
"I have an idea…!" said Artie, and he skidded to a halt and turned round to face the oncoming monster. "What are you doing…?" cried Krysta. Artie just stood his ground. "PAINT BLOBS!" and at the shout of his voice, he opened his mouth wide sending a swarm of paint blobs at the monster, a coupe le of which splattered on his eyes, blinding him. "Hurry, before he can see again!" he shouted, and everyone followed him, running right past the monster and as far away as they could canter.

...





Well, that was anti-climatic. Paint blobs. Shooting paint from your fucking mouth. Are you kidding me? THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH!? What, some kind of super bright blinding spell combine with a little fire wasn't epic enough!?

Quote :
There were more monsters and more traps along the way through the swamp, but each of the other unicorns used their powers to outwit or make it past all the tricks, and finding their way through the swamp.

... Show us, don't tell us...

Although that's honestly just a blessing at this point. With these long-ass chapters, five more 'fights' would have been awful.

Quote :
Lightning didn't understand why everyone used magic though. "I thought you never used magic…?"

The others explained that that wasn't true…

Ohhh, boy. Explanations, yeah, this... this isn't gonna give me a headache.

Quote :
Unicornicopian's were different than ordinary unicorns that were known. Their basic powers were used for battle, and could be used offensively, defensively. Some unicorns only had healing magic, Like Penny at the hospital, and some powers were used for quick wits.

The bottom line was: their magic was only to be used in times of dire emergencies, by order of the Grand Ruler. This was why in their daily lives they didn't use magic to help them in most of their tasks, and did things naturally.

Yeah. Grand Ruler for sure isn't Big Brother or anyting like that. This isn't an autocratic totalitarian dictatorship where everyone exists for one purpose. Nah.

Quote :
"Wow! Talk about powerful!" exclaimed Lightning. For a brief moment he almost felt okay not to have magic.

Then he remembered that's his Mary Sue trait and started feeling bad again. Well, that and his bling horn. But really, powerful? What's so good about that? It's useless unless you're in a specific situation! Compare that to Twilight Sparkle- battle, luxury, modifications, defense, her magic can be used for anything. And all other unicorn ponies. Yeah, THESE unicorns are so much better than MLP's.

Quote :
Still, their mission was not over yet. They made it through the swamp, but now before them was the starting trail of Blacktop Mountain, and it looked even more eerie than the swamp, sending chills up everyone's spines.

Still, they all climbed, and resisted the urge to fly up the mountain, not knowing what traps lay ahead. Not only we're there more monsters along the way, but booby traps as well- Things like hidden pits, rock slides, falling boulders. Even scary shadows, which only turned out to be the shadows of the gang all huddled against the mountainside.

Oh, fuck it.

YOU GUYS ARE AN ALL WARRIOR RACE AND YOU'RE LITERALLY AFRAID OF YOUR OWN SHADOWS.

STOP. BEING. SUCH. PUSSIES.

Quote :
Lightning took a deep breath and counted to ten again. "What are you doing, Lightning?" asked Krysta.

"Counting all the mistakes I've ever made in my life. The first was befriending you."

Quote :
Lightning hated to admit it, but he was rather scared, but then everyone else admitted that they were frightened too. "Well, The Grand Ruler once taught me that everyone was afraid of something and that whenever I feel afraid or nervous, I should just take a deep breath, and count to ten."

Meh. Can't say much about this. I mean, why should we ca-

Quote :
Rhymey thought that was a great idea,

Oh no. Oh no. OhnononononononoNONONONONONONO-

Quote :
"Hey! A thought just occurs to me,

Why don't we try it musically?

It often helps to sing a song,

And it will help stay brave and headstrong."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT ANOTHER 'SONG' PLEASE

Quote :
"Well, perhaps you shall sing the words, Lightning." stuttered Brain, "It is something you were taught."

Lightning agreed, "Let's just do it before something else happens, but just as music started to fill the air, the gang spotted another shadow that didn't belong to them, and they all took off high up the mountain dodging all the dangers and traps that came their way.

Fellow WGW users, let it be known if I kill myself reading this, everything I have ever owned in my life goes to my cat.

Quote :
(Shining Time Station: "Everyone's Afraid of Something")


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Quote :
Everyone's afraid of something.

So don't be afraid of your fear.

Take a deep breath and count to ten,

And soon it'll disappear.

*gritting teeth*

Quote :
You are not Pinkie Pie. Stop it.

If you're afraid of a shadow,

You see when you're alone.

Don't be frightened, don't be scared,

It might just be your-own.

"Granted you're a pussy~"

Quote :
Everyone gets afraid, it's really true.

Everyone gets afraid, so why shouldn't you?

Because you SUCK.

Quote :
Everyone's afraid of something.

So don't be afraid of your fear.

Take a deep breath and count to ten,

And soon it'll disappear.

Don't be afraid of the dark because,

It always goes away.

Just wait awhile, and soon there'll be

A brand-new, bright-new day…

Mykan... you wanna know the difference between MLP song's and your's? We actually get to hear the ponies singing and instruments also. You, however, we have no idea how your characters sound, we don't hear how they sing, and there's no sheet music so we could at least get a feel for what it sounds like. Basically, Mykan, what i'm saying is DON'T PUT SONGS IN FANFICTION IF WE DON'T ALREADY KNOW THEM.

Quote :
Everyone gets afraid, it's really true.

Everyone gets afraid, so why shouldn't you?

Everyone's afraid of something.

So don't be afraid of your fear.

Take a deep breath and count to ten…

"Huuuu…! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… 6…7… 8… 9… 10"

And soon it'll disappear-!

IT'S OVER. THERE IS A MERCIFUL GOD IN THIS UNIVERSE IT'S FINALLY OVER

... No wait, only the song is. Never mind.

Quote :
All through the song, they met more and more monsters, shadows, traps, but by the time they were done, they reached the top of the mountain. "We made it!" cried Artie.

"Yay!"

Quote :
"No, not yet we haven't." said Starla. "We still have to find the other unicorns."

"Fuck!"

Quote :
"Uh… begging everyone's pardon." said Brain, "But perhaps they are… ahem… in there?" He motioned up ahead at the shrine ahead as a flash of lightning and booming of thunder made everyone jump.

Lightning recognized it from his studies. It was an old abandoned shrine that The Grand Ruler once used for times of meditation and to channel his magic, but it was no surprise that Titan was in there, and obviously waiting for them.

"D-Do you think it's okay,

Gulp! To go in that way?" asked Rhymey

Don't tell me I"m not the only one who wants to punch both of them.

Quote :
They all quietly walked through the open doors. Krysta hid in under Lightning's wing, shaking in fear. "Oh my!" whimpered Brain. "Perhaps we should… eh… call out? Announce our presence? Eh… what should we say?"

Way to turn full retard, Brain.

Quote :
"How about… come and get us?" suggested Lightning. That was when the doors slammed shut behind, and everything went pitch black. Everyone else screamed all at once. "…Although a bloodcurdling scream is just as good." replied Lightning.

Another scene that could have been decent if it was written by somebody else in a better story.

There's a nice little scene with some candels, then...

Quote :
That's when Titan's minions appeared. "Well, hello there…!" hissed Mysterious. Rep-Stallion and Dementia snickered cheekily.

Soo, some fighting starts up. Naturally Lightning is absolutely useless and can only watch as they fight.

Mysterious turns out to be a shadow. Nothing hurts him. This is a totally unique idea that has never been used.

Quote :
Rep-Stallion sniggered, and then pulled a cheap magic attack, "SCYTHE SHOCK!" and his scythe began to spark with electricity that gave Rhymey a jolt. "Ah…!"

Smile

It is SO satisfying to see Rhymey get hurt.

Quote :
"I've had enough…

It's time to get tough!"

He spread his wings out and shouted, "DRILL QUILL!" sending a swarm of sharp quill feathers form his wings at his enemy. Rep-Stallion leapt out of the way, and was now more impressed than ever.

Rhymey stop ruining the moment I was enjoying your pain.

Quote :
Meanwhile, Dementia had Brain cornered, and poor Brain was a unicorn who didn't have magic used for battle, but rather observation and quick wits. "I say! Can we not talk about this?"

Dementia just laughed "You're kidding, right?"

"Heavens, no!"

"... Weren't you supposed to be the smart one?"

"It comes and goes."

Quote :
"STAR SHOWER…!" Starla sent a wave of small star-bolts straight at Dementia, nearly ruffling her mane and Dementia did not like it when someone tried to spoil her looks! She turned and glared furiously at Starla. "Oh…! Ye who messes my mane WILL PAY!" she shouted and charged at Starla with all her might.

Man, how much more unoriginal can we get with this?

Quote :
Starla didn't care, but as the fight was about to continue, Titan appeared and called his minions off. "That's enough." he said with an evil snicker. "You have done well, my minions. Return to the castle."

The minions, though disappointed as they were having so much fun, obeyed their master and vanished into thin air.

Villain Incompetence 101: When your minions are literally defeating the main protagonists just fine, don't just call them off.

Quote :
"Let's get him!" shouted Artie! and everyone fire their best attacks all at once…

"PTEAL DANCE…!" A swarm of razor sharp leaves…

"PAINT BOMB…!" Artie fired blobs of paint, but these were explosive kinds.

"STAR SHOWER…!"

"DRILL QUILL…!"

Blast Burn! Hydro Cannon! Frenzy Plant! Hyper Beam! Giga Impact!

Being the incompetent fuckwits they are, it has no effect on Titan at all.

Quote :
Lightning and Krysta were horrified. "What are we going to do?" cried Krysta. Lightning was so livid to see his new friends being tortured and harmed as Titan began to absorb their energy, but then he leapt right out and shouted, "LEAVE THEM ALONE…!"

Titan turned to face him. For a moment, nothing happened, and then Titan just fired a small projectile which knocked Lightning down. Krysta screamed, and Lightning scoffed him. "Stay out of my way, weakling! I don't know why The Grand Ruler chose you to be his student, but I'd say he made a poor choice."

Amen.

"And you call yourself a unicorn?"

Quote :
Lightning actually felt Titan was right. He was no unicorn. What kind of a unicorn couldn't do magic, or save his friends, or worse… keep his promise. Titan decided, "Well then… allow me to put you out of your misery!" He began to power up for a really big blast…

"LIGHTNING…!" screamed Krysta. The others all pounded on their bubbles trying to break free and help their friend.

However, Lightning remembered something The Grand Ruler told him... "Always remember… to believe!"

... Oh, you can't be serious...

Quote :
For the first time, Lightning was starting to realize what that meant. "I believe!" he said as he began to stand up, much to Titans confusion. "What…?"

Believe in what!? What do you believe in!? Yourself!? Your friends!? Grand Ruler!? Kicking Titan's ass!? WHAT!?

Quote :
Lightning kept concentrating. "Magic or no magic… I can do this. I believe...! I Believe…!" he stood proud and tall and shouted, "I BELIEVE…!"

Believe in what!? Goddammit, what do you believe in!?

Quote :
His golden horn began to glow with a mystical light, and Lightning, who was bathed in a tube of golden light, he felt incredibly strong now. "That… that glow!" growled Titan "…Could it be?"
Krysta was amazed as she stared at Lightning. "Is that… what I think it is?" The other unicorns wondered the same thing, but Titan was not willing to let it be so. "So much for believing…!" he snarled as he continue to charge up, but Lightning stepped forward and stood on his hind legs with his horn and his front hooves glowing like crazy and said…

WHAT AM I READING!? WHAT IS LIFE!? WHAT IS THIS MONSTROSITY OF A STORY!?

Quote :
"Magic is believing…

Believing is right

I summon the magic,

In this mystical light…!"

I can live with this, just tell me what you believe in!

Quote :
Titan roared loudly and fired his magic-stream, and Lightning shouted, "…UNIFORCE!" He fired a large and powerful golden force of extreme magic which met with Titan's force sending it right back towards him. "AAH-Uh…? NO…!"

Titan was hit and was actually stunned, and then he decided to retreat. "This isn't the end, Lightning Dawn! I'll be back!" and he was gone, and all the unicorns he had captured reappeared, and his friends were released from their bubbles… while outside, the dark clouds lifted as the evil vanished from the mountain and the swamp below.

I wish you could see how hard I'm frowning irl. This should help you get an idea.

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Quote :
As for Lightning, he stopped glowing, and fell flat on the ground. "Ugh!" he groaned. He felt as if he had just blown up a giant. "What just happened?"

Everyone approached Lightning and cheered for him that he did it! He saved everyone. "I did…?" asked Lightning. "Hey, I did!"

I like how them celebrating being alive and their joy isn't good enough for the story. They just say "lolcongrats" offscreen.

Quote :
Then, the doors to the shrine opened, as dawn began to break and the sun shined through, followed by a mystical glow and there he was- a handsome white stallion with a short dark mane with sparkling stars glittering. He wore golden armor with jewels encrusted into it, a red cape with gold markings fluttering on his back. Golden Pegasus wings, golden covers on his front hooves and black. Atop his head were three golden horns, one was full sized unicorn horn, and two small ones, one on each side.

"'Sup niggas?"
Quote :

The unicorns all bowed, and so did Krysta. "Grand Ruler…!" cried Lightning, "You're here!"

He ran over to greet his mentor, and The Grand Ruler was pleased to see everyone. "Lightning, my boy…I am pleased you and everyone are safe, and I am very proud of you."

"And sorry I left you to deal with that problem all by yourself."

Quote :
He explained why he took Lightning on as his apprentice was because Lightning had just used the Uniforce- the very same magic that he had used against Titan centuries ago. A magic so intense that only unicorns with rare golden horns would be able to tap into.

"Lightning, you possess the power of the bling horn."

Quote :
"Lightning… do you know how you were able to tap into this mystical force?"

Lightning shook his head. His mentor smiled, "In time you will in fact. You may not possess any other form of magic power, Lightning, but you do possess something greater than any form of magic there ever could be."

*raises an eyebrow*

Quote :
The Grand Ruler smiled. "You have heart, and courage. These are forms of magic that we all possess, and they come from within you, not from artifacts and other sources. All you have to do is believe in your own inner-magic, and then… nothing will seem impossible."

THANK YOU.

Still rendered moot by the fact Lightning had no fucking idea what to believe in during his fight with Titan, but still.

Quote :
The Grand Ruler promised to keep his watch over everyone and everything. "I will always be there, and so will the magic of believing. These things Titan will never hope to understand and overcome. I am proud of you all." He bowed to his subjects and they all bowed back.

"I'd talk to you all a bit mroe, but I don't really care about you unicorns. Peace."

Quote :
Then off they headed back to the villages.

A new chapter had just begun for Unicornicopia.

... I'm still in only chapter 3 of 28, people.

Quote :
Author's notes:

Now you get idea of how my characters are different.

Yeah. They're scared of their own shadows, have no real personalities, are bland, shallow, and boring. While the MLP characters are reasonably afraid of their surroundings (It's been a loooong time since I watched The Return of Harmony, so I don't remember Part 2 well. Did they get scared of their own shadows? I wouldn't be surprised but he did just steal Pinkie's song. I have a slow internet and youtube takes a while to load this stuff), have very distinct personalities that makes them stand out, are the embodiments of five very pure forces until forcibly corrupted by Discord, and are fun to watch. Your characters aren't.

Quote :
See, I don't believe "Friendship is Magic" At all. I think it's a lie, and that is one reason I do not wish to get involved with much of FIM.

If you read that fimchan thread he acts like watching it physically hurt him.

Quote :
I make this fic so I don't have to ever watch FIM, get mixed up in those les, get hurt, and make a whole new world. That… and I was dared by spammer s and mockers who keep trying to force me to change and watch the show.

It was hilarious when he did.

Quote :
PS: I cannot and will not answer the questions of anonymous reviewers.

Pfffft, like you got positive anonymous reviews.

Well, that ends Part 2 of the return of evil. The next chapter- Fearsome Flowers

...

WARRIOR RACE THAT ONLY EXISTS TO FIGHT EVIL, PEOPLE.
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Mon Jan 14, 2013 1:15 pm

Quote :
It's sad- Titan could almost fit into MLP, with a ton of editing to him.
He is a lot like Sombra, except Sombra mostly kept his mouth shut sos not to draw attention to how 1 dimentional he was.
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Mon Jan 14, 2013 3:35 pm

Reepicheep-chan wrote:
Quote :
It's sad- Titan could almost fit into MLP, with a ton of editing to him.
He is a lot like Sombra, except Sombra mostly kept his mouth shut sos not to draw attention to how 1 dimentional he was.
Even then, his dialogue is real easy to write.
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:54 am

Quote :
Well, that was anti-climatic. Paint blobs. Shooting paint from your fucking mouth. Are you kidding me? THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH!? What, some kind of super bright blinding spell combine with a little fire wasn't epic enough!?
Well, he's supposed to be the artsy pony unicorn right? So his magic has a painting-theme.
...You know, I can imagine a lot of neat things you can do with that idea, but this author seems incapable of coming up with anything but the lamest things.

Quote :
Compare that to Twilight Sparkle- battle, luxury, modifications, defense, her magic can be used for anything. And all other unicorn ponies. Yeah, THESE unicorns are so much better than MLP's.
But MLP's magic is powered by friendship. I'm assuming these unicorns can do powerful magics even if they're doomed to be forever alone. (Even though the author is still giving the main character a girlfriend apparently.)

Quote :
Oh, fuck it.

YOU GUYS ARE AN ALL WARRIOR RACE AND YOU'RE LITERALLY AFRAID OF YOUR OWN SHADOWS.

STOP. BEING. SUCH. PUSSIES.
Well, you could justify that... say it's a magic mountain that drains them of their confidence or something.

Or you could give them something real to be afraid of. Maybe the shadows are actually alive. He could rip off that episode from Doctor Who (it's not like this story has any originality anyway), where the "shadows" are tiny swarm creatures that eat flesh... You know, a conflict. Rolling Eyes
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Tue Jan 15, 2013 7:01 am

WD40 wrote:
Quote :
Each and every unicorn, though gifted with certain forms of magic and power, did not always rely so heavily on magic to solve all their problems and get through life, for they knew that the real magic came from the magic of believing!

Someone is a follower of Destrucity!
I actually read that in the Ultimate Warrior's voice.
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Tue Jan 15, 2013 8:48 pm

Quote :
First of all, I don't write fanfics for fun and games (That's the least bit) I write them because I'm angry and frustrated, and in pain.
Not just Teen Titans (Which affects me the worst above all of them) But Digimon... 6teen... Inuyasha... Zelda... The Orphen Video game... and many many others.

I'm not crazy, or homicidal, and I'll NEVER do anything really stupid. I'm ust very upset and feel helpless. Besides, what else would I do anyway... since I find moving on from it to be impossible?

Many things on TV, in games, even in everyday life can start to remind me of all that/ The reason I will not watch FIM is because it reminds me of the many bad cartoon endings I’ve seen (Teen Titans, 6teen, Digimon… and many more) and how the frustration is so unbearable that it keeps me awake at night with so many thoughts and torment of how all is ruined, and that I need to make more fics to empty my head so I can sleep better.

You know, the make meds for that. Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, Cymbalta, just to name a few. And I know they work, cause I've taken them.
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Wed Jan 16, 2013 8:02 am

Shadow Sora94 wrote:
Far off in a distant dimension is the magical kingdom of Unicornicopia—home to many winged unicorns of different sizes and colors.

I now have the Red Hot Chili Peppers song "Californication" stuck in my head.

Quote :
Check out the Grand Ruler's motherfucking bling, bitches.

Damn... not even Fyre-Flye (Lauren Faust's OC alicorn) has it that nice.

Quote :
Believing in what? I mean, I can honestly see this concept. There's magic in the power of friendship, and maybe in believing there's nothing you can't do if you... believe in yourself? What am I supposed to believe in, author? Magic? Unity? Myself? That I can read this story without breaking something?

To be fair, it could be the belief in magic.

Quote :
Oh, yeah, these pon- umm, unicorns are always clothed.

Fortunately, they're not dressed by Carousel Boutique of Ponyville. Yeah, I went there.

Shadow Sora94 wrote:
Quote :
MY LITTLE UNICORN

(Magic is believing)

Ummm... what the fu-

Quote :
Send a message out across the sky

Evil forces now are jamming by

Who will come and save us in this hour

Who can defend us from their power

Oh, you are fucking no-

Quote :
MAGIC!

MAGIC!

MAGIC!

MAGIC!



Quote :
Save the world from a fate harsh and cruel

Send out the unicorns to fight and duel

Always daring and corageous

Oo-Ooh... only they can save us



It's better than reading this, trust me.

Quote :
MAGIC!

MAGIC!

MAGIC!

MAGIC!

... I'm really reading this. I can't believe it. I'm really reading this and I'm sporking it. This was written by a 25 year old man and he's dead serious about it. I have over 20 chapters of it left to read. Oh God help me.

Quote :
MY LITTLE UNICORN

(Magic is believing)

MAGIC...!

Did he just... WRITE THE THEME SONG INTO THE STORY OMFG WHY

the author wrote:
I repeat, this is a whole new universe, so forget about FIM and anything you learned from that… that… PLACE!

What place? Ponyville? Canterlot? Vancouver?

the author wrote:
Plus, I don’t believe Friendship is the real magic at all. (Since I and most people who even watch the show) are friendless, and can’t make friends.

I FAIL TO SEE HOW THE PONIES ARE TO BLAME.

Shadow Sora94 wrote:
I genuinely went on a quest to find out whether there was an actual name for Winged Unicorns. I checked Alicorn, which thought was the right word, turns out it's not, although it's genrally accepted by Greater Nerds . I found Pegacorn, which sounds like something that should be fried in veggie oil and covered in chili sauce. I've heard Unipegs, which sounds like a hollow plastic gardening tool that youd likely pay 5 bucks for at the same sort of place you'd buy hot Pegacorns.

Alicorn is the Ascended Fanon term for a winged unicorn in MLP:FiM. It was used for the longest time in FiM fanfics until it was made canon in the Season 3 episode "Magic Duel" in the form of the Alicorn Amulet.

This post was brought to you by KFC's Hot And Spicy Pegacorns! Order a Pegacorn Value Meal with a large chips and a 250mL drink for just $15.95! (Only for a limited time. Available only at participating outlets.)

Quote :
... Although I personally, and several others, reckon the correct term would be "Chimera".

Which you spelled wrong. (Chimaera)

Quote :
[...] but no matter where you go, Lightning, and no matter what you do… always remember to believe."

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(That would also make a MUCH better theme song)

TheIan wrote:
Reepicheep-chan wrote:
Quote :
It's sad- Titan could almost fit into MLP, with a ton of editing to him.
He is a lot like Sombra, except Sombra mostly kept his mouth shut sos not to draw attention to how 1 dimentional he was.


Even then, his dialogue is real easy to write.


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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Wed Jan 16, 2013 10:51 am

xerrofoot wrote:
Quote :
... Although I personally, and several others, reckon the correct term would be "Chimera".
Which you spelled wrong. (Chimaera)

That's how it's spelt in the Monster Manual. That's how it's spelt. Colbert
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Wed Jan 16, 2013 11:01 am

You spelled it wrong, xerro. It is spelled Chimæra. Duuuuuuuuh.
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Wed Jan 16, 2013 6:41 pm

No, you don't use the AE ligature in that case, since it would change the pronounciation of the word.

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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:40 pm

Why not Chimära or Chimera or Chimayra?
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Thu Jan 17, 2013 11:17 pm

So how does one get a code number in this universe? Are we going to have STRONG WARRIOR foals (or whatever younger unicorns are called) beating one another to a bloody pulp in order to win their number?

This guy should really understand the theme of MLP, it's about how even people with severe mental disorders can find someone to be their friend, if only they tried!
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Fri Jan 25, 2013 3:55 pm

sorry I've neglected you all ;u;

Lurv wrote:
Quote :
Well, that was anti-climatic. Paint blobs. Shooting paint from your fucking mouth. Are you kidding me? THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH!? What, some kind of super bright blinding spell combine with a little fire wasn't epic enough!?
Well, he's supposed to be the artsy pony unicorn right? So his magic has a painting-theme.
...You know, I can imagine a lot of neat things you can do with that idea, but this author seems incapable of coming up with anything but the lamest things.

Before anything, I just wanna admit I really dropped the ball on that one, thanks for pointing that out Dl Really, anybody- if I ever really overlook something, please call me out on it, I really appreciate it since it tells me i need to be more on-guard witht aht stuff c:

Also, I apologize for neglecting ya'll the past few days ;w; Without further adieus, let me delve into our newest chapter- Fearsome Flowers

Quote :
Author's Notes:
If anyone form ponychan is reading this, it's time you woke up.
That Dakari King Mykan who joined you isn't me. It's someone form Project After who got a whole of my past postings and altered them to frame me. Believe me… I am not part of ponychan and don't wish to be. I would never join the likes of you! "Friendship is NOT magic" The real magic is believing…!

From that whole fimchan thing, yeah. The original Mykan who posted was apparently (I think so) a troll who was pretending to be him, which is why he got involved. Let us venerate him as he gave us the hilarity known as that thread.

Quote :
Lightning had received a gift package from The Grand Ruler…

Don't open it, Lightning! The GR is sick of you being useless and has planted a bomb in it!

... Wait, that's right, I don't' care about Lightning at all. Open it!

Quote :
Unfortunately, it was wrapped with a special material, not the kind you could just rip off, or open. It could only be opened if something special were to happen. All it came with was a letter from The Grand Ruler…

Is the 'special' thing is to explode on your face? But really, 'something special'? Da fuck? Mykan, nobody but you has any idea what taht means :l For all we know the 'special' could be Lightnign putting on a tutu and dancing to A Cruel Angel's Thesis.

Quote :
Dear Lightning…
As you know, dark times have befallen the kingdom. As much as I have faith in you, I wish to take no chances for your safety.

"The thing is, you're pretty useless except for when the power of believing kicks in, unlike your purple counterpart in another dimension who can kick ass without her Plot Device, so I'm very scared for your well being."

Quote :
This package I have given you- It has been in my possession for centuries, and kept always ready but never needed until now. It will be very useful to you in the many battles you will fight, but by now you are aware that you cannot open the package.

"It requires a virgin sacrifice. You'll know when to do it when the time is right."

Quote :
"Huh! I wonder what it is." Lightning said to himself, but he decided to just leave it be for now. He had other things to attend to.

"I mean, I know Big Brother values it a ton and has kept it safe for centuries, but obviously this is so much more important than what's probably gonna let me save the world."

Quote :
Now that the entire kingdom was aware of Titan's treachery, everyone was to take extreme measures to be cautious as they went along their daily routines.

As for Lightning, he spent a lot of time in the library or borrowing books to learn more about the Uniforce as he still didn't understand it that well, or where it came from, and how he used it the first time.

The Grand simply told him to be patient, and all would eventually become clear.

As long as he BELIEVES hard enough, will the answer magically appear?

Quote :
Inquerius was passing by and saw him studying hard again. "Are you frustrated, Lightning?" she asked.

"I don't think frustrated is the word?" Lightning sighed

"Bored is more like it. This studying could be time spent having glorious, perfect mary sue sex."

Quote :
You are not willing to give up? Even if it means you will not find what you seek here?" asked Inquerius.

"Duh…! That's why I've been stopping here every day." snapped Lightning. He apologized quickly for being rude, "But please… can you just help me out?"

Inquerius felt confused, "I have not been helping you already?"

"... No, you're just kind of asking me questions?"

Really, Inquerius, for a librarian you're kind of dropping the ball here. He's trying to figure out something, all you're doing is being an unhelpful nuisance

Quote :
Lightning was getting so frustrated at why all the questions were being thrown at him, but Artie was passing by with some books he was returning told Lightning,

Huh, that was convinently timed.

Quote :
"I don't think you quite get it here. Her name is Inquerius, as in… inquire! She doesn't give answers, she asks questions. It's the way she talks."



Are you fucking kidding me? She only asks questions? What the hell kind of gimmick is that!? What if somebody DOESN'T know the answer?

"Excuse me, miss librarian? Can you help me find the bibliographies?"

"Are you sure you don't know where they are?"

"... No. I'm new to town. I've looked around and I can't find them. Can you help me?"

"Is it possible maybe, you passed them up by accident and if you believe in yourself hard enough you'll remember where they are?"

"I-uh-what? I-I don't know..."

"Perhaps if you believe Big Brother will tell you where the books are..."

"8l"

Quote :
Lightning got the drift now. Inquerius helped others by trying to get them to realize the answer for themselves. "Is there not something else you can do instead of pondering over this mystery?" asked Inquerius.

I mean, it's not like Lightning isn't researching anything important that might save Unicorntopia, right?

Quote :
Krysta fluttered near her friend and suggested he go get Lunch. "You've been working too hard. You really should relax."
Lightning felt that was laughable. How could he relax at a time like this when he had so many unanswered questions tormenting him, as well as worrying what Titan was up to now…?

"You know Lightning, Buddy Rose has this herb. He calls it weed, I really think it'll help ya out!"

Sceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Quote :
Titan's castle was located in dark a creepy looking dimension. Winds were howling, thunder and lightning shook the skies.

Dogs were barking, the clouds above were crying rain, Jason Voorhees was murdering teens int he woods, and vampire bats where everywhere.

Quote :
Dementia was busy styling her mane while Rep-Stallion sharpened his scythe. Dementia look din her mirror. "Do I look fat…?" asked at her reflection "Nah…!" and she playfully kissed at the air.

"I mean, 70 is the new 65! Just gotta keep them from sagging..."

I really, really hate the minions' names.

Quote :
"MINIONS…!" shouted Titan. Dementia's mirror shattered. "Aah-ugh…!" groaned. "…Seven years bad luck."

"Dammit! My biggest weakness! I mean, how can I possibly conquer the unicorns if I'm plagued with bad luck!?"

Impressive Dark Lord, story. Reaaaally impressive pure evil villain.

Quote :
The minions headed to the throne room where Titan was seated on his throne. The minions bowed, "Yes, my lord?" asked Mysterious "Is it time for us to exact our revenge, and crush the unicorns?"

"No, I just want to get some pizza. Yes, it's time for revenge! I mean, it's not like we have more depth to our characters then that!"

Quote :
Rep licked the blade of his scythe sniggering madly. "Especially, that rhyming one…"



At least he speaks for almost all the readers with that one. So, Titan talks about how he needs Lightning's secrets to conquer the universe. So, he then gives his minions a bag with some black powder.

Quote :
The minions bowed and left leaving Titan alone in his throne room. "Hmm, mm, mm…!"

... I don't really have anything to say to spork that, I just thought it was so dumb it wouldn't hurt to leave it in.

Sceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Quote :
Krysta let out a tiny burp. "Ooh! Excuse me!" she giggled, but Lightning still seemed distracted. "I don't get it…" he said. "How can everyone be so calm when there's an evil force out that that could attack any minute?"

Krysta was just as confused as he was, but then assumed everyone was just trying to be brave. "We can't just let one fact scare us."

Because Grand Ruler forbid it's possible for someone to not live in fear 24/7, to just be able to relax and have a day of peace. It's so mind-boggling ;u;

So then, our manly protagonists go to pick flowers because why not?

Quote :
Buddy Rose's flowers were so beautiful and nice to smell. Krysta was careful not to sneeze this time. Even Lighting admired the smell of the flowers, it actually made him forget about Titan for a moment.

How nice of you to have been wondering why nobody was shitting their pants 24/7 a few moments ago, Lightning.

Quote :
As Krysta was about to pick some flower, Buddy Rose came along and said "You don't want those flowers."

"I don't…?"

"Instead, why don't I show you some really cool ones? They're called venus flytraps!"

Quote :
"They're too plain- Too ordinary. Now I something you'll really love." He motioned for them to follow him to a vacant patch in the flowerbeds with only mere drawings such beautiful flowers on sticks. They were so incredibly beautiful it was almost impossible to describe them…

(Even I can't)

...

Quote :
(Even I can't)
Quote :
(Even I can't)
Quote :
(EVEN I MOTHERFUCKING CAN'T WHEN I'M THE FUCKING WRITER AND I HAVE A VISUAL IMAGE OF THESE FLOWERS)

... Not his quote, but still.

*clears throat*

WHAT THE FUCK MYKAN?

It is ONE thing to have an incomprehensible horror that cna't be described with our limited human language, that drives men insane just thinking of it, but this is a flower. A. DAMN. FLOWER. MYKAN, WHY DO YOU SUBMIT THIS ON THE INTERNET IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TELL A STORY!?

Quote :
First of all, I don't write fanfics for fun and games (That's the least bit) I write them because I'm angry and frustrated, and in pain.

So why don't you just put a vent piece and save it for yourself on the computer?

Quote :
I make this fic so I don't have to ever watch FIM, get mixed up in those les, get hurt, and make a whole new world. That… and I was dared by spammer s and mockers who keep trying to force me to change and watch the show.

8l

THEN AT LEAST DESCRIBE WHAT SHIT LOOKS LIKE TO THE PEOPLE WHO DARED YOU. And, yeah. This guy makes 0 sense on why he writes, ever.

So, the Beauti-Flors (ugh) are rare and stuff. He's ordered another shipment, but he hasn't heard back from them. Of course, Lightning immediatly assumes a worst case scenario and decides to go after them. The story then explains it's also now part of his job to volunteer to help people who need it. Meh. And then, everyone's favorite scrappy appears!

Quote :
"A monster…! A monster I've seen…
It's big and tall, and very mean!"

SHUT. UP.

Sooo, with earplugs in his ears so he won't kill himself out of frusturation, he follows Rhymey to Redwood. Because Mykan thinks his readers are too stupid to see it coming in a universe where every place is named after colors, he goes on to tell us how red everything is while you resist the urge to destroy your computer.

Quote :
The rumbling continued to get worse, and then it stopped. The gang felt really nervous and slowly turned round. There, standing behind them was a flower exactly like the Beauti-Flors in Rose Buddy's garden; only it was at least twenty feet tall, with dark eyes, sharp, prickly vines, teeth… and it roared!

Well, this is it! Monster of the week battle time!

Quote :
The gang screamed and began to run for it, but the monster gave chase, making more trails as it traveled, slashing its vines, smashing the ground.

Sooo, there's a bit more running, then Dementia tells him to just come quietly and he won't get hurt and that bullshit.

Quote :
The monster extended its vines ready to ensnare the helpless Lightning, until Rhymey leapt into action with his "WARD SWORD…!" and slashed right though those vines. The monster roared in pain, and the air form his roar messed up Dementia's mane "Ugh! I just had it sprayed!" she whined.

I really, really don't want to see how he would have written Rarity. Jesus Christ, what, is the super evil badguy Titan renting these guys for five dollars an hour or something? It doesn't seem like she has many shits to give.

Quote :
"Oh, no you don't!" snapped Dementia as she prepared to warp him back using her powers to warp the field around her, until sparkling dust began to sprinkle down from above, blinding her. "AAH…! My eye liner's ruined!"

It was Krysta who was sprinkling her fairy dust from above, "And I thought you liked looking sparkly." she mocked and flew off. "You little firefly…!" Dementia roared

Gotta love how the most annoying character in the story and the fairy is actually fighting when the main character is just "DUR HUR I SURE WISH I COULD USE THE UNIFORCE"

While she was distracted, Lighting could help Rhymey with the monster. Rhymey continuously tried cutting the vines with his sword, but the vines just magically grew back, and the monster just got angrier.

Quote :
Rhymey was staring to get tired.

"I've… tried my best,
But I need… rest." he groaned.

"No! Don't give up!" snapped Lightning "We can do this!"

What do you mean by 'we', Lightning? Your friends are fighting, not you.

Sooo, since the good guys can't lose, Buddy Rose comes in out of nowhere to help fight! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Excitedplz !

That being said though, Buddy points out that he's being a useless shit and asks him if he can use the Uniforce. So Buddy uses this spell to basically lasso the thing.

Quote :
Still not understanding, the others grabbed the vines and pulled with all their might, even Krysta. They pulled and pulled and yanked the monster right out by its roots, causing it to fall flat on its back, and unable to move. "Hey!" snarled Dementia.

"Good thing I know plants." smirked Buddy.

"I mean, nobody except an expert in plants like myself is capable of telling others to help pull a rope!"

... God, what a sad fight that was though, seriously.

Quote :
"Hey…!" Lightning said as he recognized what was appearing before him. "It's that package I got from the Grand Ruler." Indeed it was, and the wrapping around it magically vanished revealing a small wand with a spectrum glowing ball with a small crown in its head.

"Lightning…!" echoed a voice.

"Grand Ruler…?" Lighting asked as he gazed around, but his mentor was nowhere to be seen.

Awwwwww ye, the bling unicorn is back in the story BD

Quote :
"I have used my golden horns to channel this message to you."

"You may be able to tap into the uniforce, but you have much to learn before you truly can master it. This is the Rainbow Rod. I present this to you to assist you in battle as you in battle further. When the time is right, simply aim it at the enemy and enunciate the phrase the magic phrase. Just have faith, and believe in the rod's power."

"Take it in good faith, that someday you may become a better character."

Quote :
He held the rod up high as it began to glow, and he recited the phrase engraved on the rod…

"Magic of the Rainbow,
My faith burns bright
To vanquish the evil,
…in rainbow's light!"

No, I'm not thinking Sailor Moon at all right now, nope.

(And no, I don't know much about Sailor Moon, but from years back I do recall there being some kind of heart rod. Also, really, wouldn't you expect something like this in SM?)

Quote :
Two colorful waves burst from the monster…

WHAAAOM!

WHAAAOM!

BAM!

POW!

KAPOW!

Quote :
Then POOF! It burst into a rain of ordinary flowers, and was all gone. Buddy, Rhymey and Krysta watched in awe, but then cheered for joy, and Lightning joined them, "I did it!" he cried.



Yeah, Mykan, for somebody that wanst a fighting story, you suck at fighting scenes. Dementia runs back home to take her pills.

Quote :
Still, what none of them could understand was how the flowers became a monster in the first place. Dementia's magic was only used for defense and capture.

"Hey… what's this?" Krysta asked as she picked a flower that had traces of colored dust on it. The colors matched that of when the magic faded in those large waves when the monster was defeated.

"We need to see Brain. Now." said Lightning.

Oh great, Brain. I wonder what he'll say?

Quote :
Once back in Rainbow City, Buddy Rose went straight back to his garden, and Rhymey accompanied Lightning and Krysta to Brain's laboratory. He used his powers of wit and analysis to examine the dust. "Ah-ha…! Satisfactory! Most Satisfactory." he said.

Not anything useful, of course!

Really, Brain just tells them what the reader should have suspected. Theres powder that turns shit into monsters. It's a scene meant for the characters, not us, so I guess it can slide.

Quote :
(In the Grand Ruler's Palace)

Grand Ruler: "Well, we certainly learned a lot today."

"Buddy Rose learned that it's okay to leave your post sometimes, especially if the situation calls for it, and Lightning is coming along nicely too. Things come with time and you should just take it slow and simple. The more time you take, the more you may discover."

"See you all next time, and keep on believing."

"And please, purchase my newest rap album, on shelves next month. Do it or I shove my horns up your ass."

But... yeah. That's it. The end of the first non really plot-important chapter. Sorry this took so long- been busy, one draft got deleted, and another didn't save after I'd made some decent progress on it.

But, yup, that's the fourth chapter! Stay tuned for Strong as a Rock~
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hottienanako20

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Join date : 2012-05-21
Age : 42
Location : I live in the US. Nanako lives in Kasukabe.

PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Fri Jan 25, 2013 4:24 pm

Quote :
As long as he BELIEVES hard enough, will the answer magically appear?

So, by that logic, if I BELIEVE hard enough that this guy is a moron, it'll be true, right?

Quote :
"You know Lightning, Buddy Rose has this herb. He calls it weed, I really think it'll help ya out!"
[b]

Quote :
Krysta let out a tiny burp. "Ooh! Excuse me!" she giggled, but Lightning still seemed distracted. "I don't get it…" he said. "How can everyone be so calm when there's an evil force out that that could attack any minute?"

Maybe the reason he didn't take her up on the weed offer was because he was probably already on crack.
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TheIan
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
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Join date : 2009-06-12
Location : Dining car on the Train of Time, DenLiner

PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Fri Jan 25, 2013 8:39 pm

Took some doing, but I found the miserable bastard's author page.

Good god, someone needs to put him out of my misery.
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KJM
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Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 38

PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   Sat Jan 26, 2013 1:54 am

Quote :
putting on a tutu and dancing to A Cruel Angel's Thesis
Is it wrong of me to actually want to see someone do this?
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PostSubject: Re: My Little Mary Sues: Magic is Believing in Anthromorphic Winged Unicorns   

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