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 Twilight as told by a psycho-Christian sex addict

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SouthSimGal
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PostSubject: Re: Twilight as told by a psycho-Christian sex addict   Sat Aug 04, 2012 4:22 pm

Quote :
Chapter 8 – Music

Eirn: The excliting conclusion to the fight in the previous chapter! :O Also, again thanks to all who have red this far - may the Lord bless you and the Lord keep you until the tim comes you passeth unto his relm. Also, Jenny says hi! xD

I'm not 100% sure what it is with this paragraph, but it makes me laugh every time.

Quote :
ooo "Fight the good fight." 6:12, Timothy 1 ooo

This is the most correct Bible quote so far! Maybe she found some place to copy-paste it from.

Quote :
I screamed loudly as Jomes crashed into me.
I fliaded my arms around, and his teef came out and RIPED INTO MY ARM THOUGH MY WHITE SWEETER!!111

YES! RIPE INTO HER MORE, JOMES!

(Also, when she wrote "teef", I couldn't help but imagine some adorable four-year-old with a lisp is narrating this.)

Quote :
I scrome and failed my legs about

Trust me, you've failed more than your legs.

Quote :
and somhow hit him in the groin and he got off.

Um, Meyer made it pretty clear that if a human kicked a Meyerpire in the groin, they would break their foot. I doubt James would be swayed by a foot to the balls.

Quote :
Da girls dragged me away as best they vould, and everyone else was screaming and running arond withe room! Jomes rawred

Oh great, Erin is a hipster! Get away, guys, before she describes clothing again!

Quote :
at me and I could see da Blodlost in his eyes and it was scarry! I got up to may feet and Jasper protected me as Iminant and Edsare came onto Jams!

That's the best misspelling of Edward and Emmett that I've ever seen.

Quote :
Emmertt smacked the fukca into the ground and Edward jumped on top of him and started beating him pu! Edward looked so sexi as he pounded into Jawms.

Pounded... into him? Are you sure they were fighting, Joan?

Quote :
I was cring because I was sad that Edward would be hurt.
JAMES KICKE DEDWAD OFF!!!!111 :O :O :O :O!

Dedwad. Okay, they just passed up Edwood as the best nickname for Edward ever.

Quote :
THERE WERE FLYIG EVERYWHERE!!!!111 Da tables got nocked over as they flew about the room, and everyone was strill screaming who had staied. Alice and Rodemary escorted me to the doors.

Dangit, her name is Rosalie, not Rosemary! You got it right before, and as the most likeable character in all of Twilight, I think she deserves for you to remember it!

Quote :
“What are they going to do to him?” I asked alice.
“They are going to burn him if they kick his ass!” Jasser told me.
I knew they would do that too kill him. So he wouldn’t try to ate me again. Jenny took me outside and we sat on a table outside. I was nervous not only because of Edward but because I was still kind of beleding from Jame's bite, and they were Vampires.
But then Edward came over to me and haggled me.

"So, will you buy the Sue for $10,000?"

"I dunno, she seems a bit pathetic to me. Can't we go for $5,000?"

"What?! She just beat away a vampire with a kick to the pants! She's worth at least $8,000!"

"$7,000."

"$7,500."

"Okay, deal."

"She's all yours. Now GET HER THE FUCK OUT OF THIS FANFIC!"

Quote :
“It’s okay he is gone now. Ement is going to take care of the body. Why don’t you come back to my place?”
Ok i said and went with Edward to his house.

But we just got to school! Although, I suppose that if a vampire burst through a window, bit a girl, and then got killed by some students, my school would dismiss us early too.

Quote :
The parents were out hunting for dear (Edward tol me that's how they eat, they don't eat people which makes me happy) and went to the lounge. The girls went somewhere and so did Jsaper

"They went somewhere." This Suethor is a master of all things prose-like.

Quote :
- we were alone. I was still a bit sad but Edward hugged me and i felt better.
"Why did that happen? Who was that Edward?" I asked unhappy but in his arms.
"That was James. He is a problem vamtpie from another clan.

"You see, in most vamtpies, the vamt is tender, and held together by a creamy, sweet filling surrounded by a crispy, golden-brown crust. However, in James, the vamt is cold and hard, and the crust is burnt on the bottom, but raw on the top. He's a disgrace to all vamtpies, and we had no choice but to kill him."

Quote :
He still ates people. But now he is dead and he'll nether bother you again. But now listen, there is something I want to show you."
He walked over to the radio and turned off Relient K, then walked sexah to the piano. I was excited as he sat down at his piano and started to play a song. As he played it became clear Edward was such a good penist.

Look, the word "pianist" sounds dirty enough without you spelling it that way.

Quote :
It was B Minor but i couldn't recognise the song. It soundsed nice and organy

Something tells me we'll hear that word again when we get to the inevitable bad smut.

Quote :
like Catherdrals sometimes have playing. It was so beautiful that i cryed again, but in a good way.
As he played to me and i smiled happy and forgot what had happend earlier. The window smashed open and OH NO IT WAS JHAMS AGAIN!! ;'o

I suppose this is somewhat justified, as Meyerpires can put themselves back together after being ripped apart as long as their pieces aren't burned. However, what were Emmett and the other doing? Twiddling their thumbs and procrastinating burying him? And they seemed to overpower him easily before, so how did he get away after he was whole again?

Quote :
(Erin - HE RUINS EVERYTHING FOR JOAN@!)

Relax, Joan, you can hear your boyfriend play sexy, organy music at a later date.

Quote :
"ARGH!" I creamed

In reaction to the Edward's penist skills, or James's running in through the window?

Quote :
and ran behind Edward who stood up from his piano and started to fight James again.
"I thought Emmlet burnt him!!1” I sad sadly as Edward threw him back out the window and leppet after him.
I ran out too to watch as Edward bashed James again. His fists smashed into and already broken faice. Then out of no where came Em (Erin - Ok I'm shortening it to Em because I have troulve with his name - I do this for you, kind reeders!)

Any word more than four letters long is just too much for our poor Suethor. Let's just hope she starts abbreviating every word.

Quote :
and Rose and Alice and Rose.

Both of Rose's personalities joined in the fight.

Quote :
They grabed james and kniocked him the fuck out. >:3

Again, this sentence makes me laugh so hard. Maybe it's because it reminds me of "Harry, you must rock the fuck out." from HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Quote :
‘He will stay dead this time.’ Edward told me as he ran over to me and swept me into his arms. "He wont hurt you agsin."

I think I'll name my new character Agsin. It's kinda cute.

Quote :
I nodded and kissed him and he kissed me back and he took me inside again anfd to his room. He put me on his bed and layed me down. And sat next to me, he stroked my hair as he hummed to me. I was still upset by all the fighting but he made me feel better. I went to sleep next to Edward. Edward told me he would question Em how James could stillbe alive in the morning.

Wait, was Edward playing the piano all day? They went to school, James broke in, they "killed" him, went home, played piano, then James broke in. Were the fight scenes a lot longer than the Suethor implied?

Quote :
When I woke up it was dark and I realised I was back in my own house. Edward was sitting nexct to me smelling at me.

"I took the liberty of bathing you while you slept. You smell much nicer now."

Quote :
I sqat up in bed.
‘Did you bring me hear?’
‘Yes I did”
‘you’re so sweet’ I told him and coddled him playfully.
‘so are you.’ He told me and laid next to me.
I looked at how sexi his hair was and how sexi his eyes where. He wasn't wereing a shirt. I flicked his nose softly playfuly and he liked my finger and protented to nibble it. I giggled and he did too. Then I feel asleep again.

I suppose it's easier to wade through beige prose than purple prose, but it sure leaves me with less to spork.

Quote :
As I slept I had a Nighthorse about james.

I suppose a Nighthorse is a less gender-discriminating version of a nightmare.

Quote :
He had come back alive and he was shooting at me with a gun and telling me he would eat me agter. I was running but i couldn’t run and then he jumped on me and i went black.
Wenty I woke up the next morning he was gone, but his scent lingered in my nostrals.

I know she's talking about Edward here, but after talking about James so much, it sounds like she's smelling James.

Quote :
Thanks agan for reeding. Anyway, I'm thinking of having a competition! I want a nother character in my story, so give me a basic description and yeah you'll b in soon.

No one entered this contest, which is a shame, because I think a troll entry would have been hilarious.

Quote :
Cya next time! xoxoxooxoxoxoxox
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SouthSimGal
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PostSubject: Re: Twilight as told by a psycho-Christian sex addict   Tue Sep 04, 2012 5:06 pm

Quote :
Chapter 9 - What happends because of bertrail

I wonder if Bertrail knows about the chain of events that he caused.

Quote :
Ok, I tried ignoring u flaemrs but sereosly - STOP IT. IT ISN'T NICE. I THOUGHT I WAS BEING MEAN WHEN I DID THE GOING TO HELL AND SINAR BIT BUT NOR I SEE I WAS WRITE! YOU FLAMERS ARE EVIL! HELL FOR YOU LEST YOU CHASNGE OUT WAYS! I AM BETTER THAN YTOU BECORSE I'M RESPONDING TO ATTACKS ONLY! SO BE NICE OR I'LL REPORT YOUR MEENESS! Epsecially you Phonics, reely!! >: (

I left this intact for you guys. I mean, it just sporks itself.

Quote :
Everyone else, who is nice, I welcome you back. Enjoy the story! Also, sorry Jenny but Emmery is going to die. We'll talk tomorrow when you're over k?

Well, GEE ERIN. Thanks for the SPOILERS. Now the chapter is completely RUINED for us.

Quote :
ooo "Be ye angry, and sin not." - Ephesians ooo

Where's the scripture reference? Ephesians is a decent-sized book, you know. Now I can't rip you apart for misquoting the Bible.

Quote :
Today I woke up, got dressed into my blue sheep skin lined sweater, blue Natural fit jeans, the leather uggs and applied Liberal (erin - not that I am oen) blue mascara and Sweet Rose colour lipstick

KILL. ME.

Quote :
before I waled out early in the morning to da Cullen house to see what was happening because of James.

The tazi let me out

When did you get into a taxi? Are there even taxis in Forks? I live in a town a heck of a lot bigger than Forks is supposed to be, and there's not a taxi in sight.

Quote :
and he asked for the fare, so I paid him and he left which was good because he smelt like fish.

I am a better person for having read that scene.

Quote :
I walked into the doors and MC said hello. I said hello back and walked into the lounge room where evry1 was. (Ering: fuck that was an longf descryptshun sorry!)

Don't apologize, shorten it! If you feel the need to apologize to your readers, you shouldn't be publishing what you write!

Quote :
Em was bound and gagged in the middle of da room!

Rosalie was planning some "super happy fun time."

Quote :
"WTF is goig on?!1/?" I asked loudlty, socked to see him like that - HE HAD BEEN BEATEN HIM IN THE FACE!111 And looked sad.

"He did n'tburn Jume!" Edward roared pointing at him with a scrowling fac. "He beatrayd us!"

I looked at him - cold it be true!? I frowned. Everyone in the room looked sad, except Edward who looked pissed and seaxhi.

Seaxhi? How do you pronounce that... See-shee? See-a-hee? See-a-sho?

Quote :
"We trusted him with your life and he betrayed the entire clan!" Edwoed told "And he must die!"

I'm kind of wondering why he's getting put to death NOW. I mean, he supposedly allowed James to live yesterday, so why just sit around with him tied up until Joan arrived? Is it really absolutely necessary to kill him in front of the Sue?

Quote :
It didn't seem fair to me, because even Judas was forgiven - if da Collens were cHristians why couldnt they too forgave?

"No, give him a second chance!" I proclaimed, "LIKE JESUS DID JUDASS!!1"

Um, what Bible has Joan been reading? What does she mean by "forgive"? Does she mean that Jesus allowed Judas to live, even though he knew he would be the one to betray him? That was less because of forgiveness and more because Jesus knew that the Crucifixion was all part of the plan. And Judas didn't have a chance to be forgiven after the Resurrection, what with having committed suicide and all.

Also, Jud-ass.

Quote :
Every1 looked at me, even MC who had bought in cookies for everywon.

Of course Esme brought cookies. You can always count on her to bring the treats when you gather to execute a family member.

Quote :
Edward walked up to me ands put a mussular hand on my soldier.

Again, we don't want to hear what Edward's mussel-covered hand was doing to your little soldier.

Quote :
"Joan we can't let him live. The Load's commandment is 'Thou shall not kill' and he has helped someone try to koll.

"Which is why we must kill him. Wait, what?"

Quote :
Beyond that he has betrayed the clan -the clan is not a reel family. We are from different people. But we bound togather because of our values and stuff.

"Yeah, values and stuff, you know."

Quote :
He has to di for betraying it all for a meany."

"Yeah, that meany James! Always tryin' to kill our girlfriends an' stuff!"

Quote :
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!1"

Can't have exclamation points without a one. It's just impossible.

Quote :
I cried, and cried, and cried! I raqn over to Em and hugged him and told him Jen loved him because I new he was going to die :'(

I'm sure the fact that some random girl from school loved him brought him great comfort in his remaining few moments.

Quote :
Then they surrounded him and killed him with a bat to the head.

Wait, wait, wait. These are VAMPIRES. Excuse me, MEYERPIRES, but they still have sharp teeth and mega-superpowers, so of all things to kill Emmett with, they chose a baseball bat? And only one, so that all the rest of them were just standing around waiting for him to die? Also, Meyer made it clear that a wooden or metal baseball bat would break before causing any damage if it hit a Meyerpire, so HOW DOES THIS WORK?! Has Erin even READ the books?

Quote :
I ran out, tears flapping from my face

Tears. Flapping. I think the mucus content in your tears may be a bit high.

Quote :
as I ran through the door and out into the woods, teary and sad! For the first time ever I was annoled with Edward.

You mean he's not a god(but i don't mean god god because thats blasphemi so fuk off sinnars)? NOWAI.

Quote :
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

OMG HOW MEAN! I can't believe Edward did that, but I still lov hymn.

WHY?! Becuase you think he felt justified in it? Because you think he didn't have a choice? EXPLAIN why your Sue still loves him! I suppose that's impossible, seeing as Joan HARDLY KNOWS THE GUY. I mean, she was attracted to him by his looks, then went after him even more when he started stalking her, and now they're in wub. Her only way of measuring affection for anyone seems to be whether their a good cirhstain or not, so shouldn't an un-Christianly act be a deal-breaker? :sigh:

Quote :
But Jon (AND SHE IS A DIFFERENT PERSON

But you said in Chapter One that she was you. Did you change your mind?

Quote :
>: ()

What is that, a monkey face?

Quote :
feels bad. Lets hope she gets better. Also, ENTER FOR THE COMP!!!!!!!111111

Man, if I were around when this story was just being written, I would totally have trolled her with a submission.

Quote :
And again sorrty Jenny! Reely I am. Tomorrow at 1 ok? CYA DOLL! Wink

Erin/Jenny OTP. It's right up there with Tara/Raven.

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Howithurts
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PostSubject: Re: Twilight as told by a psycho-Christian sex addict   Fri Sep 07, 2012 9:18 am

Glorious.
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textrix

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PostSubject: Re: Twilight as told by a psycho-Christian sex addict   Sat Sep 08, 2012 11:00 am

This was DREADFUL. And it makes me ashamed to be a Christian. We're not all like this, guys! Also, does anyone suspect this--I vomit to use the word--'author' might be on some sort of drugs? There is just something so off about this fic.
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PostSubject: Re: Twilight as told by a psycho-Christian sex addict   Sat Sep 08, 2012 6:38 pm

textrix wrote:
This was DREADFUL. And it makes me ashamed to be a Christian. We're not all like this, guys! Also, does anyone suspect this--I vomit to use the word--'author' might be on some sort of drugs? There is just something so off about this fic.

Given her claims of Christianity but her fondness for swearing, calling people who don't leave her good reviews filthy names, and apparently believing she's God's gift to fanfic authors, I question her actual faith. I'm aware that God forgives, but when he forgives he says 'Go and sin no more.' This girl is a serial offender.
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PostSubject: Re: Twilight as told by a psycho-Christian sex addict   Sat Sep 08, 2012 10:11 pm

Rabid Badger wrote:
Given her claims of Christianity but her fondness for swearing, calling people who don't leave her good reviews filthy names, and apparently believing she's God's gift to fanfic authors, I question her actual faith. I'm aware that God forgives, but when he forgives he says 'Go and sin no more.' This girl is a serial offender.

A serial offender in more ways than one! There are probably nicer people on death row. And there are bacteria growing in caves with a better knowledge of the English language--who could put together a more coherent story.

This is why we need stricter publication standards (especially for impressionable minds). If Twilight had never been published, imagine all of the crap like this we could have avoided!

Arghhhhh!
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PostSubject: Re: Twilight as told by a psycho-Christian sex addict   Sun Sep 09, 2012 12:44 pm

Quote :
CHAPRER 10 – Braking Harts.

But the harts brake for no one!

Snip most of a typical author's note (for Erin, at least).

Quote :
And another thin - I will call Edward Ward from now on becorse I think Ward is a better nickname for him. It makes him sexah and myster

Am I the only one who finds the name Ward to be utterly unappealing? And it doesn't sound the slightest bit mysterious. I suspect that the real reason for this is that it's slightly harder to misspell Ward. But don't you worry, Erin will find a way.

Quote :
oooo "Let the mistaken not nice guy forsake his way." - Isaiah oooo

I highly doubt that the phrase "not nice guy" appears anywhere in the book of Isaiah.

Quote :
I ran into my room and slammed the door shut behind me. Dad had followed me to my room and reopened the door.

Apart from the wonky tenses, these two sentences are just about perfect, grammar and spelling wise.

Quote :
“Joan? What is happened?” he asked

BAHAHAHAHA. This is the mayor of Forks we're hearing, folks.

Quote :
“I hate Ward, I never want to see him again!” I cryied sadly at him.

As opposed to crying happily.

Quote :
I couldn’t believe that he had killed Em!
“Ok then I'll be out hear if you need to talk.” Dad said and left me alone. He wasn’t good with emotional stuff and always coped out when I neded someone.

He said he would be there if you needed to talk! Look, maybe he left the room because he knows that if he were in your situation, he would want to be alone for a while. You know, not everything your father does is an attack against you.

Quote :
I laid on my bed and cried into my polliw. I hated him, how could he kull Emmet, it wasn’t Christian!? Why couldn’t they forgive like tin the Bible? I knew the only reason Emm hadn’t burnt Jemes is because he was following the Lord's tee-chings, 'Thous Shall Not Kill'. I got bored of being in my room after a while and went out the black to think.

Okay, handled well, this could be a decent conflict. Your boyfriend has killed his brother for a reason that you understand, but don't approve of. But you just know that it won't be handled anywhere near well.

Quote :
Out the back was our gardener and he was name Fertado.

Ah, yes. Everyone, meet my third-favorite character in this mess. Second is Joan's dad, of course, and first... well, you'll meet him later on.

Quote :
He had a mousetaste and had tan skin and smutty overalls.

Erin must have heard the word "smutty" out of context and took it to mean "dirty."

Quote :
He waved hello to me but I ignored him, I didn’t fell like talking to anyone.
“Whats wrong?” he asked me, and I couldn’t avoid him. Don't people know I want to be left alone?! >: (

Not if you don't tell them, they don't! Look, "Fertado" just saw you, he has no way of knowing how you feel right now. He's just trying to make friendly small-talk.

Quote :
“Boyfriend.” I said shrugging
“Oho,” he said, “No good?”

Also, you may be noticing that "Fertado" (she seems to intend his name to be Fernando) may well be an attempt at an offensive Hispanic stereotype, but it's done so badly that I doubt it could offend anyone.

Quote :
“No,” I said trying to not get into a convarsation with him.
“If you need to talk to me you can.” He told me, i nodded and walked away.

There's not much else I can say about Joan's, and by extension, Erin's, attitude, so I'll just leave the above excerpt to you guys.

Quote :
I went back inside and unto my room,

Well, that entire scene was completely pointless, unless Erin was trying to get across how much everyone was jumping through hoops to cheer Joan up and how she showed them no regard.

Quote :
however in the corner sat Ward.

Oh boy, I hope you all liked the last Ward-in-my-room scene, because it's about to happen all over again.

Quote :
He smiled a croked smile as I sat down by i glared at him, tyhough he looks nice in the black cargos, the brown Hoodie (which was zipped harve weigh to show his bear chest Razz)

His chest was THAT hairy?

Quote :
“What are you doing here?!" I yelled at him.
“I came to see you.” He repeliedreplof I sat on the bed but I was not happy at.

It's not like you can tell him to leave or anything. He has entered your room, and therefore you are powerless to get him out of it.

Quote :
“I’m sorry I made you sad, eJoan.” Ward said looking sad too.

eJoan sounds like the name of one of those humanoid AI robots.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

So THAT'S what Joan looks like.

Quote :
I looked at him feeling bad for being angry at him but I was still upset with him and he did sort of look adorable sexa.
“Is there anything I can do to make you like me again?” Ward said looking concened.

Well, you kinda KILLED somebody... I don't think there's anything you can do to redeem yourself after THAT...

Quote :
“Don’t do it again.” I told him and he came over and hugged me.
“I promise I never will.” Wrad told me and came over to huggel me. I snuggled into his chest and I wasn’t angry at him anymore.

That's it. That's all it took. Conflict resolved, subplot over.

Quote :
"How will you Repent?" I asked as I snoffled into him more.

Snoffle? That makes me think of the Snufflupagus from Sesame Street.

Quote :
"I'm going to church tomoorw, come with me please."
"Mk." I replied. "What did you do with the body?"
"I burnt it and buried it."

Well, that makes everything better..

Quote :
We hugged, but I was still afriad of James who was out there wanting to eat me bloo.

Eat your bloo? What, have you been following the directions from tampon commercials and started bleeding Windex?

Quote :
He was watching through da window! :o

And he was taking a video of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!!!!!!!!

Sorry, too easy.

Quote :
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ok seriously flamers.

I'm including this author's note purely for the terrible-ness of the insult.

Quote :
NO ONE LOVES YOU. NO ONE. EVERYONE WHO TOLD YOU THOU DID IS A LIE AND THEY TOO ARE HELL BOUND LEST YOU REPENT!

There. Is. So much wrong with this. Just... someone else please spork this line. I can't bring myself to even comment on it.

Quote :
BE NICE FFS. IT ISN"T HARDDDDDDDDDD!!!!1111

Obviously, it is. At least, hard enough that you can't do it.

Quote :
Also comps still open and i had a nice day with Jen. I bought a new notebook YAY! I draw Ward sometimes.

In case you're wondering, yes, her drawing is EVERY BIT as bad as her writing. What's that you say? That's impossible? That's what Satan thought too, the poor guy. Let's just hope he gets over the shock eventually.

I'm thinking of opening a thread on the Fanart forum to talk about it, because really, one thread can't hold the FAIL of both the fic and the illustrations. What do you guys think?
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PostSubject: Re: Twilight as told by a psycho-Christian sex addict   Sun Sep 09, 2012 1:37 pm

She seriously thinks Ward is a sexier name than Edward? Something tells me she's too young to have ever heard of "Leave it to Beaver." Ward was the father on that program, and . . . not particularly sexy.
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PostSubject: Re: Twilight as told by a psycho-Christian sex addict   Mon Sep 10, 2012 7:16 pm

SouthSimGal wrote:


Quote :
And another thin - I will call Edward Ward from now on becorse I think Ward is a better nickname for him. It makes him sexah and myster

Am I the only one who finds the name Ward to be utterly unappealing? And it doesn't sound the slightest bit mysterious. I suspect that the real reason for this is that it's slightly harder to misspell Ward. But don't you worry, Erin will find a way.

That's absurd. There's no way she would misspell a four-letter name that she gave him.


Quote :
“Don’t do it again.” I told him and he came over and hugged me.
“I promise I never will.” Wrad told me and came over to huggel me. I snuggled into his chest and I wasn’t angry at him anymore.



Quote :
Wrad

I stand corrected.

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SouthSimGal
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PostSubject: Re: Twilight as told by a psycho-Christian sex addict   Tue Sep 11, 2012 6:32 pm

Quote :
Chapter 11 - Redempshun

Ok, I took a little breethur becorse the evil flamers got to me. I can only take abuse so much, so I've reported it.

Fortunately, someone must have actually investigated the report, so nobody got banned due to Erin's accusations. Otherwise this A/N wouldn't have been nearly as funny.

Quote :
I hope you nasty people are happy, YO MAD ME SAD!! Anyway, right, fuck you I'll continue becose the reeders deserve it.

NOBODY DESERVES THIS.

Quote :
However I do want to address ONE SINNIN 'LADY' FROM THE REVIEW SECION:

This'll be good. If by "good" you mean "horrifying."

Quote :
Firstly: Exodus 20:2-5a
Basically, you are making Edward to be a god, therefore making an idol. That's one sin.

Good point. How does Joan reply?

Quote :
Look Ward is not an idle infact i've had JOAN be made at him evan! To warship sumthin you need 2 LOUVE IT UNCONDIDIONALLY. WARD IS NOT A GOD YOU STUUUUUUUPID BITHC!!111111

Joan being mad at him did not make him anything less than an idol in YOUR eyes. In fact:

Quote :
I can't believe Edward did that, but I still lov hymn.

Sound unconditional to me. And even if you had portrayed Joan as truly angry, it wouldn't matter because she immediately fell in wub with him again when he apologized.

Quote :
Secondly: Matthew 7:12
"Do for others what you would like them to do for you. This is a summary of all that is taught in the law and the prophets."

Another "sin", but still the point. You whine and flame others, expecting compliments.

OMFG NO YOU DIDN"T USE THE SAME QUOTE I HAVE look wrong becorse I respanded to the FLAMERS - I NEVER ATTACKED FRIST!!

A more common misconception than the one above, but the Golden Rule, by definition, condemns revenge-takers. The rule is not "do unto others what they already do unto you."

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Thirdly: Luke 12:1-12
This is a large passage, so I won't type it. However, the gist of it is Jesus warning others against the Pharisees and hypocrites. You are, again, acting like a childish hypocrite.

WTF NO REVELANCE! I am not hyppocritic becorse I RESPOND TOE THE FLAMMERS AND THIER NASTINESSS

Let's get some samples of this "nastinesss." Wait a minute, we don't need to! We already have one right here! Yeah, does this sound like a flame to any of you? She's pointing out a flaw in the story (or rather, the author's character) very carefully, providing references that Erin claims to be familiar with, and overall trying to get Erin to take herself less seriously. A flame does none of these things. A flame is a furious direct attack toward an author's humanity, often with sections in all caps and numerous misspellings... sounds familiar.

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Finally, Revelation 22:19
"And if anyone removes any of the words from this prophetic book, God will remove that person's share in the tree of life and in the holy city that are described in this book."

Although you haven't raped Revelation yet, the point stands: you took Bible verses and cut them to your own advantage, making yourself seem high and mighty.

Take that. *spits at Erin's feet*

You slu, tyou are the devil's warshiper! BECORSE SERIOUSLY TS NOT NICE AT ALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!111111 I AM PRAISEING THIN LORD WITH EVERY PASSAGE BECOSE I LOVE HIM WHICH YOU WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND! THE LORD IS A DEVINE BEING CAPABLE OF INFINITE LOVE AND WISDOME AND YOU MY DEER CERTAINLY LACK NEITHER!!!!!11111 YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN GOD SO STOP ATTACKING HIS FLOCK! STOP IT! IT ISN"T FUCKNG NICE1111111111111 I HOPE THE LORD KICKS YOUR ASS YOU WARD HATTERS< I DO BECORSE YOU PEOPLE ARE MEAN AND DON"T EVEN TRY TO BEK NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP IT NOW OR ILL REPORT YOU MORE! > >(: > > > > AT LEAST I"M NOT SPITTING AT PEOPLE!!!!!!!!11 EVNJOY LUCIFER'S ACCOMAPY! I'll pray then very worset upon thee unless you lift your game becoos i no the lord will no I'm RIGT! ERNI LOCKLEA IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!!!!!1 >8 ( THIS TOGE TO EVERY! WHO FLAMS ME SO SHUT UP AND LIKE IT OR GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111 So there no more nice Erin

Erin: because God decided that plagues, storms of fire, and earthquakes just weren't quite strong enough to help us predict the apocalypse.

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ooo "Flamers are asshoes with no lif" - THE LORD ooo

Oh, so THIS is how you "praise the lord with every passage."

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It was Sunday and I woke up earli and dressed in acasual owtfit of blak hoodie with button up things and blacktrackpants

*pulls out a steak to kill herself with*

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when I used to be fat

Headcanon: Erin is morbidly obese, so of course her self-insert would have lost that weight.

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(Ern: Black is blah-k lol see what I did there?)

(geddit cuz im cirhstain n i luv black!!1)

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and white sneakers because my blak stilletoes wouldnot go with it and I don't own other black shit. I also wore da usual madeup. I wore black becose I was going to church with Ward and it made sense to morn for Em. I kno Em would have wanned to be remembared.

Did you really have to describe every article of clothing? You could have cut out that entire paragraph and replaced it with "I wore black, even though I didn't like the color. I felt that Emmett would have wanted that."

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I walked along the road and reflexed on Em's life.

Oh yeah, like that time when you first saw him. And when Jenny said she liked him. And then later when you were finally introduced. And then when he assisted James in attempting to murder you. And then when he died. Yup, it was quite a life.

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He seemed so nice, so why had he beetraid us all for the evil ames? I walked along the road and was sad and, everyone I walked by left me alone beca I look sad. (Erin: Note picture me walking alone with Switchfoot's Ment to Live - yeah, THAT SAD :'()

Well, at least it's not MCR.

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Then I was at the church and Ward was there, standing sodly

He had rolled around in a patch on nice, fresh grass.

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in a fitted black suit and dark gold tie. He was in pain becorse he had to kill his Vampie brothelr.

Oh dear! I don't know what I'd do if I had to kill my Vampie brothel! All those undead whores, gone to waste...

Quote :
I walked sadly to hymn and hugged hymn but he pushed me away and howled in pain. Then he punched the Church door and cried.

"Warfd! No, it'll be ok" I cooooed and hugged hymn, trying hard not to squeexe his hard pecs.

"I cannot believe he did it, or that I killed him Jone!" He cried and I stayed with hymn for a moment as he sobbed then pushed hymn through the door so we could go pray.

Edward showed absolutely no remorse as he killed Emmett, and now we're supposed to feel so sorry for him because of his grief?

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We walked Solomonly up the aisle.

They built huge temples and slept with hundreds of women on their way up the aisle?

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The church was empty, not even the priest was there.

Then why was it unlocked? Churches have lots of stuff in them to steal, you know. Just because it's God's house doesn't mean it's open at all hours.

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It was very beautiful inside, with ornape colour glass pictures in the windows, and candles everywhere.

I certainly hope they weren't lit while the priest was out. Geesh, in my church building, we're not even allowed to light a single candle when a hundred other people are in the room, and we're hardly safety-conscious.

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We sat in the head pew together and I held Ward's hand. he had to do this for him self.

And here it is, guys. The new Lord's Prayer. Seriously, those of you who pray had better take notes, because God's going to be really hard to impress after he's heard this.

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"Oh Father who art in Heaven, Blessed be thy name, I, Edward St. Paul Cullen, but one of your fock have beesmerched your gift of life! Deer Fatter, yesterday I killed a man who unto then had been lik a brtother to me. He loved me and I loved him (Erin - Guys can love eachother, just not in the ass) but he beetrayld my trust and the safety of my lover, Joan St Sanctuary Louisa-Smith, for an evil unholy being who doth not belive in you. Although I do not expect forgaveness, Deer Lord, I want to let you know I am sorry and when the time comes I expect your judgement to be as it shall be. Thank you Lord for your patients. Amen"

1) I am deeply ashamed to be able to tell you that Edward's middle name is Anthony, not St. Paul.

2) "Deer Fatter" is an incredibly appropriate name for God, as he's the one in charge of feeding the deers.

3) It's nice to hear Erin's opinion on the subject of homosexuality! Oh, you all probably knew what it was, but it's nice to finally be confirmed!

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I smiled at hymn, a tear dribbling from his sexah Amba eyes. He had done a first step to inner piece until his Judgement came, and i had a feeling the Lord would be kind and understanding becorse it was to apparently save my life. We walked out togather.

Well, that was a quick church visit. Couldn't you have waited 'til Mass or whatever(Joan never mentions what branch of Christianity she follows, any guesses?)? I mean, your sins aren't going to get infected while you wait another week.

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Then, he turened to me, kissed and ran away.

--to brush his teeth ten times.

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I had helped hymn and would see him tomorrow at skool. :3

Yay, Joan's cat has visited again! I really wish I knew the little guy's name.

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I went to the local store and bought an ice cream, it was raspberry and made me happy.

Was there any point to this scene?

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After I left:

"Hey there girl, that looks yummy! Hawt outfit, tho why in blak?!?!?"

It was Jenny! She didn't know about Em! :'O

OH NOES! WHAT WILL SHE DO?!?!?!?!12121212

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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SO maybe Ward will be on the recovery and Joan will forgave hymn. But poor Jenny, HOW WILL SHE TAKE THE NEWS>!?!!1/1 Find out next time. Also, contest closed becores I cbf
xoxoxoxoxoxoxozzoxoxoxox

All this and more, on the next spork!
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PostSubject: Re: Twilight as told by a psycho-Christian sex addict   Thu Sep 13, 2012 2:07 pm

This HAS to be a troll. There's just no way.
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