Combustion or Sam's Auto-Erotic Adventures

Combustion by Atlantia

MOVIEVERSE SamxBee. With Megatron defeated and the decepticons MIA,
life begins to settle down for Sam. Except that his relationship with
Mikaela isn't working, and maybe that's because things with Bumblebee
are going a little too well.

This piece of...work was published right after the first Transformer movie came out in Theatres, and is chock full of fangirl squee and Robot on Human smexing. I seriously do not know how the mechanics of this would work in real life without displacing several groups of organs...but my mind can only go so far until it explodes.

So after mopping up the mess, I give you, Combustion: Because canon has no Robot sex.

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Oh my god… I know it’s weird but I just could NOT get this pairing out of my head. It’s INSANE:) and yet, here I am actually writing one.

Nothing says 'I skipped my meds.' louder than this. Its like someone saying, "I know this hammer will hurt my hand, but I am going to hit it anyway."

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My first thought was… “that’s just weird – 30 foot robot, 5-6 foot boy…”, but it was actually really good, and the more I thought about it the more it occurred to me that they do both really seem into each other.

Wow. 30 foot robot on 5'6" boy. Nothing conjures up images of love and affection like 5 tons of robot on 120 pounds of young man. The first twitch and Sam would be a greasy spot on the drive shaft. At least we know who is bottom...I hope.

Anywhoo...on with the piece of shit er...story.

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The sounding of the horn was a loud blast in the afternoon air, disturbing the quiet of suburbia with a loud mechanised trumpet. With a grin, Sam leapt up from his computer and hastily threw on a shirt, barely pausing long enough to do up most of the buttons. Without stopping he bent over and grabbed his sneakers as he headed out the bedroom door, dropping his phone and wallet into them, then bounding down the stairs two at a time.

As he reached the bottom he saw his parents in the living room, anxiously staring out at the front yard through the drapes, looking almost exactly like a nosy couple spying on their neighbours. Of course they weren’t really looking at the neighbours at all. If they had been Sam wouldn’t have cared. Now though he let out an exasperated breath.

Because parents are so unfair toward my friends. I must use fic to show how paranoid they are that my best buddy will tie me up and use his dipstick on me. But honestly, wouldn't people be a little inclined to look out the window at who is honking at their house? Or am I too old to understand?

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“It’s Mikaela.” Behind him he could swear his parents brightened instantly, Bumblebee and the Transformers instantly forgotten with the reminder that their son had met a girl. He grimaced, his stomach suddenly feeling a little unsettled, and opened the door with a click. Mikaela was standing there in a pair of tight jeans and a very snug top, though surprisingly for her there was no flesh exposed around her midriff. She looked dressed up, and Sam suddenly got a sinking feeling.

Because when Mikaela hides her flesh she's on the rag. No...its because Mikaela is inexplicably not interested in Sam. And just to take the conflict out of this fic (at least between these two for now) Sam is not interested either. All of this isn't explained very well which makes taking this story seriously an incredible leap of faith.

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A throat cleared in front of him, reminding him that Mikaela was still there, and his parents were still standing behind him, staring.

“Uh… Sorry?” He figured it was always good to start with an apology.

“Yeah, yeah. It’s fine Sam. We can still make the movie. You ready to go?”

Blood rushed to his face as he blushed with embarrassment, looking down at the floor in an attempt to hide it. “Actually, well, you see. Um… B and I have plans.” A frown appeared on Mikaela’s forehead then, filtering down over the rest of her, until she was standing there with her hands on her hips. The expression though, thankfully, was more disappointment than anger.

Yes, folks. Sam Witwickey, man-boy who pined for Mikaela all through the first movie, who tried to show off for her, who Bumblebee went out of his way to hook him up with; now has plans with his car instead of the fine piece of ass standing in front of him. Seriously...I am a straight woman and I would hit that.

But that's not all. Sam considers stringing said fine piece of ass along instead of just cutting the string and getting the pain over with quickly much better. Go figure.

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“So can I come with, to the track?” Sam froze, slowly pivoting towards her, his mouth moving like a fish again. He could see his parents standing in the still open front door watching the whole scene, and desperately just wanted to jump into Bumblebee and be off before this got any worse. He emitted a few unintelligible noises which could have meant anything, and then Bumblebee revved beside him, the vibrations travelling straight up his spine like the brush of fingers.

“Uh, B and I really wanted to just hang out by ourselves today.” The words left his mouth without conscious thought, a response to the refusal he sensed in the engine purr beside him. The driver’s door opened with a click, swinging wide, an invitation for Sam to get in. The passenger’s door however, stayed firmly closed.

*Headdesk* Even Bumblebee seems to have developed a dual personality. :bang:

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Surprisingly she didn’t seem upset in the least, in fact her smile was almost self-satisfied, like Sylvester when he caught Tweety. He closed
his eyes and banged his head back into the seat again.

Aha! I am being strung along by a guy who is gay for his car. Not exactly something to be self-satisfied over. Mikaela does not seem to be immune to this dual personality disease that is permeating the universe this fan brat has created. I wonder if it will rot their brains out of their skulls. It would be a marked improvement from how they are acting now.

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“Stupid. Stupid.” He didn’t know what he’d been thinking, turning down Mikaela and the movie, a couple of months ago he’d have driven his car off a cliff to impress her. He’d just changed so much since then, as, no doubt, had she, and things seemed different. He no longer felt the urge to prove himself to her, no longer feeling as though he was unworthy of her attention. They’d been through hell together and come out the other end in one piece. Maybe that had changed their potential feelings. He no longer saw her as a perfect, unattainable symbol as she used to be, but more as a fellow person, flawed and chaotic as he was. Maybe it had just been the allure of the forbidden that had drawn him to her in the first place. He ran a hand over the steering wheel, feeling the soft leather that encased it.

Wow...and now I see what the problem is. It's basic Twilight psychology, actually. If you can not imagine another day going by without seeing that person and still being able to draw breath, you are destined to be with them. If on the other hand you view them as just another human being just like you then they are so totally not your soul mate. Only those that snub your every advance can be your One True Love! :headshot:

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“Am I an idiot B? Have I just screwed up majorly?”

All together class; YES!!!

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He didn’t know why B still chose to use the radio while in car form, but the song was soothing, so he sank back into the leather. His companion was right. Things always changed; people, places, they were all subject to time and distance. Maybe he and Mikaela had simply passed the point where they could be more than friends. He turned to watch the scenery flying by outside the window and smiled at his reflection. Sitting here, safe inside B, knowing the autobot would do anything for him, as he would in return, thoughts of being with Mikaela didn’t seem as important as before.

His parents would be so disappointed.

And so they ride off to the race track in silence...and this reader is currently hitting her head on her keyboard. Stay tuned for chapter two where Sam and Bumblebee have a Lover's moment. No...seriously.

If the whole concept weren't so WTF, this would actually be a fairly decent story--this fanbrat has a pretty good concept of spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

When it comes to figuring out a decent story, however--not so much.

Chapter Two

Now, before I continue I have to admit that the pairing is somewhat believable, even cute. However, I also know that there needs to be a bit of a lead in to a change that will turn canon on it's ear.

Now that we have established that I am about as bat-shit crazy as this author, I shall continue.

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Wow! Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter for this story. I was never planning on making it a one off, so there will be a couple more chapters yet. I’m full of ideas – you know, now that I can look at myself in the mirror again for considering this pairing

:suspect: Er...yea. We are now overflowing with confidence in your story now that you have gotten over your shame of actually thinking it up.

You ain't the first to think of this little gem, hun.

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The queue of cars ahead of them, awaiting their turn on the track, had seemed endless as the two of them sat there under the midday sun. The anticipation had been like a living thing between them, Sam for his first chance to really drive beyond suburban commuting, and B to experience his driver. As those before them pulled in after their turn they seemed exhilarated, lifted, like the cares of the world had been momentarily taken off their shoulders, and Sam couldn’t wait to feel that.

Ok...so right off the bat we get a comparison between driving really fast with sex. Acceptable until we also understand that under the circumstances this would be group sex in public.

That would be almost forgivable until...

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The grin froze on his face, then slowly slipped as somewhere in the back of Sam’s mind a voice screamed that something was going wrong; that something was happening that wasn’t what it should be; but it was drowned out by the roar of the engine that suddenly seemed to have somehow seeped right down to his bones. Previously gentle hands were now white knuckled, clenched around the wheel in a death grip, more a desperate attempt to hold onto some part of himself than as an aid to their driving. He didn’t understand what was happening as he felt Bumblebee around him, but the sensation was driving him mad. A small moan escaped him, half pleasure, half terror, as they rounded into the final stretch. He didn’t know what would happen if the nerve dissolving bliss within him reached completion, and it occurred to him then that even had he really wanted to, he couldn’t do anything to stop it. B filled every part of him, smell, sound, sight, even tasting him in the air. The voice cried out to him again, much weaker this time, reminding him of Mikaela and his family, questioning exactly what was happening and what it would mean when it was over.

Ok...more Driving=Sex. I think that voice in his head is the same voice a girl has when she realizes why she was invited to the frat party. :blowjob:

Anyway, what follows is an almost out of body experience for Sam that if it were not so urple in it's execution would actually be moving.

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He couldn’t breathe anymore, the crushing weight of being so completely overwhelmed by another being leaving him without control of his own body. His heart was clawing at his chest like a rabid tiger, sharp stabs of pain that left him hollow and empty, reminding him of how he’d felt as he’d watched B dragged away, powerless to resist. It almost felt like he was being carved out on the inside, becoming an empty vessel, waiting for his companion to fill him. And somewhere within Bumblebee he felt something respond to that, a new throbbing beginning, one not remotely associated with the redlining engine. This one was much slower, much deeper within the robot, a throbbing more felt in his mind than through his skin. It seemed to shine behind his eyes, with a brilliance that would have been blinding, had the vision not existed solely in his mind. Spark. The word resonated in him to the same tune as the glow. Bumblebee’s heart, his very light grew stronger as he recognised it, the brightness threatening to burn his mind to ashes. He could almost feel tentative touches of something brushing inside as the light began to engulf him. He struggled and gave in at the same time, fighting against it with every ounce of his being and falling reverently down before it in supplication. His lungs burned in his chest like coals, refusing to take the breath they so desperately needed, while his heart beat an irregular and spasmodic pulse. His body was like stone to him, unmoving and unresponsive, an empty shell that simply held his mind in place, eyes and mouth thrown wide in ecstasy and pain. He felt himself dieing in that moment, as the light grew closer, his heart straining beyond the point the muscle could tolerate, desperately trying to feed his system oxygen that wasn’t there. He couldn’t stop it, couldn’t explain it, and part of him didn’t want to. He could feel darkness approaching him, even with the brilliance shining in his mind, and a tear leaked out, sliding down his right cheek until he tasted a salty wetness on his lips. It hung there for a brief moment, suspended then dropped onto the leather of the seat, and it suddenly seemed that Bumblebee realised something was wrong.

Urple durple...

Translation, Sam felt like his lungs were being crushed and he was losing consciousness. See how easy that was, kids? And why are we not using spell check? Seriously, the submission interface has spell check built in. There is no excuse! :wallnut:

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An uncommon silence descended over the two of them as the afternoon wore on, Bumblebee not even idling, Sam motionless on the ground beside him. Eventually however the sounds of the world around them made it back into Sam’s ears, bringing his attention to the fact that the sun was now substantially lower in the sky. He stood up slowly, hand pausing briefly in fear and indecision, before using B’s hood as a support, a questioning, slightly scared buzz permeating through the metal. He managed to give his friend a somewhat watery smile of reassurance. The edges of his mouth wavered a little however, as they peered into the dark interior that had always seemed so warm and inviting to him before.

More urple prose describing Sam's legs giving out from under him as he turns into an overly emotional 8 year old girl suffering from a panic attack.

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The door beside him opened with a click, a silent invitation to leave this place, and he carefully climbed inside. The pungent odour of his fear and sweat seemed to fill the cabin, despite the fact that the AC was cycling in outside air, and for the first time he felt trepidation about being alone with B.

Translation? Sam, in a combination of fear and pleasure and fear at that pleasure had voided his bladder within the confines of Bumblebee's cab. In other words, the destroyer of Megatron pissed himself. :blink:

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Evidently the experience had left a lasting impact on both of them, not just him. Apprehension followed the fading light and sound in his mind, and he desperately hoped that Optimus at least would know what was happening. The engine started with a throb, which shot straight up Sam’s spine to his chest, his entire being resonating with the sound. The sensation took his breath away again, and he grit his teeth, forcing his lungs to draw air in and out. The sound of the engine was unsteady as they pulled away, evidence that sitting in B was having the same effect for the autobot as it was for him. He reached out and ran his hand gently across the centre console, feeling and hearing the engine shoot past the red line, while light filled his eyes.


Hopefully this was all just temporary, a result of increased hormones, and their robot equivalent, after the incident on the track.

Optimus had to have an answer. Didn’t he?

Optimus: Yes, Sam. You have grown a uterus and become a simpering ijit. Can I go back to being fan-girl bait now?


Seriously, the whole chapter could have been reduced down to two or three paragraphs. Seriously, when you have to inject shit loads or urple into your fics just to pass the 500 word mark, something is wrong.


I have to say again, that if not for the urple and unbelievability of the way this pair got together with nothing being explained this would have been a good story.

Mythandariel wrote:

And why are we not using spell check? Seriously, the submission interface has spell check built in. There is no excuse! :wallnut:

That's a rather unfair comment about the spelling. I only saw one spelling mistake in those quotes:

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He felt himself dieing in that moment

Mythandariel, I assume that you added those underscorings in the quotes? Are they supposed to point out spelling mistakes? The author comes from Australia, where, as I understand it, UK English is dominant. All the underlined words are correct by the rules of UK English.

Yes. Nothing at all wrong with the spelling in the fic, except as Dixie said "dieing" and the fact that Autobot was uncapitalised throughout.

Dixie wrote:

Mythandariel, I assume that you added those underscorings in the quotes? Are they supposed to point out spelling mistakes? The author comes from Australia, where, as I understand it, UK English is dominant. All the underlined words are correct by the rules of UK English.

Just another reason why this fic makes my head explode... :hair:

Though spelling not with standing, this fic is like trying to eat half cooked rice slathered in molasses. Sickly sweet, chewy and nauseating.

The reviews are even worse. Which with a fic of this urple caliber is to be expected. Most of them are like this one:

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Sam love Bee! *gigles and dances*

This does not inspire confidence that the following chapters will be any better. If anything, they get worse.

I now give you Chapter 3: what happens when authors get no sleep

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The trees at the edge of the clearing had not moved in almost two hours now, but Sam continued to stare at them with an intensity that didn’t suit the uninteresting nature of his subject. He thought he could almost tell how many trees of each species there were after so long watching them, and if it wasn’t for the almost “Blair Witch” like aspect of the whole place he might have charged in just for the sake of doing something. The muscles in his legs ached now, protesting the non-stop back and forth motion of his pacing over the rough gravel and earth, but he had nowhere to sit, and if he sat he’d only have more energy to devote to thinking. An activity which was definitely not something he wanted to do at the moment.

This almost reminds me of all those times that I realized I was dreaming and had to watch what I was thinking in case that thought came true. It seems that Sam is doing the same thing here. He has realized just what kind of fan fic he is in and is desperately trying to purge his mind of all thoughts lest one of them come true. What ever you do, Sam, don't think of cars...

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“Sam?” The voice seemed to come from nowhere, causing him to start like a rabbit.

I almost had the image of Sam starting like a VW Rabbit. So Mikaela shows up out of nowhere. Why? Dunno. Apparently Bumblebee just up and walked into the trees, hunting for Optimus Prime. (Insert Elmer Fudd)

And while Mikaela is trying to comfort Sam, he is thinking of his car. Typical. A guy has a hot piece of ass in front of him and all he can think about is the few tons of metal trapsing through the forest in search of more metal so those piles of metal can have a discussion. Because Optimus normally sits around in the forest like an unbathed sage waiting for those in need of his advice.

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People were busy, people were biological, people were fickle. They had lives to lead, people to see, friends to visit, work to do, families to be there for… a world of their own to inhabit. With B it was different. With B it felt like Sam was his world. He’d shivered at that realisation, starting to pace as the tears trailed salty tracks down his cheeks, arms wrapping around himself to ward off a chill that had nothing to do with the weather.

People are stupid, people are not robots from outer space. People could get laid like normal people. But what fun would that be? There is no one but my own personal robot from outer space. It gives me goose bumps.

Honestly, where else have we seen this kind of skewed idea that if someone loves you they will never give you any personal space? Wait...Aha! I see what you did there Atlantia!

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She was looking stunning in the golden light, a long brown jacket hugging her from neck to knee over a short denim skirt and low cut top. It was the sort of vision that a couple of months ago would have had him drooling, but now the sight only reminded him of what he should be worrying over; girls and school. Instead he was half panicking about his missing robot companion, who he hadn’t realised until now was such a large part of his life.

Jeez! As though the Twilight references could not get any more glaring! From now on I will replace Bumblebee with Edward, Sam with Bella, and Mikaela with that fat kid that always pined for Bella but never got closer than the nose bleed section.

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“Kaela, you know we’re, well, great friends…” He stopped, realising exactly how much he sounded like a character in a bad teenager chick flick.

TOO LATE!!!

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“Something happened with Bumblebee.” It had not been him that said it, the admission coming from Mikaela instead. He desperately searched her words for any sign of scorn or disgust, fearing she would abandon their friendship for what had happened. Her voice had been perfectly level however, without anger, and, he just noticed, not a question. His cheeks flushed with colour and he stared determinedly at her boots, embarrassment flooding through him that somehow it must have been obvious to everyone else.

Mikaela must be used to being second to a guy's car. Afterall, didn't Trevor put his own truck ahead of her? Either that or she has become so disgusted with all the comma abuse that her personality is going on strike. So what follows is a touching moment between Sam and Mikaela talking about Sam being gay for his car and Mikaela being ok with Sam being gay for his car. Ten whole paragraphs of exposition later...

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She looked at him in confusion.

Yea...exactly...

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“You can’t imagine what it feels like to know that what’s happening to you will kill you, and yet feel happy about it at the same time.” This time it was her that shivered at his words, a disturbed expression on her face.

Hell, I would be disturbed too if someone found dying during sex a happy experience. Don't you love it when logic slips through a fic like this and just gives you the finger for actually sticking with it for this long?

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“I don’t know if Bumblebee meant for it to happen, or even if he knew what it was anymore than I did, but, I do know sometimes you have to understand there's a difference between what you want, and what you can't have. I think," He took a breath to steady himself, "I love B, Kaela, more strongly than anything I've ever felt for anyone ever before, but…”

I can just imagine the author wracking their brains and the search engine trying to look for sage phrases and finely saying, "Fuck it! I'll just make it all up. No one will know the difference!"

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“I’m scared.” And he was. A terror so chilling and deep, that it seemed it might have gone so far in that it would never come out. It made the fleeting fear of parents, school, even megatron pale by comparison. He was scared of B, but more than that he was terrified of himself, knowing that there would come a point when it was all too much, and Sam Witwicky would give in.

Because Death-Sex is so Womantic!! :viley:
And it's only a matter of time until the dangerously handsome Vampire Transformer will seduce the lovely young Bella Sam into throwing caution to the wind and jumping on the Sparkle-peen Autobot-peen.

And now for the Brain Bleach... :drinky:

Before I go on to Chapter 4, I just had
to post a review that had been left for Chapter 3.

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Oh
my, you totally made my day! That chapter rocked.

You certainly have experience writing.

Err...If you say so. Personally I had to go back and re-read the chapter just to make sure that this person was not reviewing something else by mistake.

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I loved how the dénouement with Optimus is delayed. Opening up the chapter with Sam pacing and contemplating “Blair Witch” scenery is hilarious. His emotions are jittery and all over the place. I’d be feeling nervous after the incident at the track as well!

It's not his emotions that are jittery and all over the place, but then again you knew that already. The whole 'Blair Witch' like scene was not brilliant nor was it hilarious. I understand that it was meant to heighten the emotions of the chapter, but I would suggest that this person look up a little term called Melodrama.

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I really enjoyed the little tête-à-tête with Mikaela. She doesn’t play the part of jilted girlfriend, but rather is a confidant to whom Sam can open up and vent about the day’s transcendent events. While the two humans are getting down to business, I’m left wondering about Bee’s abrupt disappearance to search out Optimus. There is “more than meets the eye” to this situation and I believe Bee knows more than he is letting on to Sam. Only time will tell and in the meantime, we are left privy to a somewhat strange, but enlightening conversation overshadowed by Sam’s loneliness. Is this the result of Bee’s mere absence or does it stem from a deep loss of which Sam is currently unaware. “With B it felt like Sam was his world”… a beautiful sentence that barely skims the surface of their relationship.

Stalker Bumblebee is Smexy!

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I’m happy that you’ve managed to make Mikaela into such a friend for Sam. She’s gone from the “girl that the geeky hero of the world gets” to a sounding board for his entanglements with Bee. She knows without being told that something was there. Woot for female perception! She helps Sam go back in time and examine some memories, particularly the drive-through one, with greater clarity. I personally find it suspicious that Bee would ever so subtly create an environment so conducive to sleeping. Did he have an ulterior motive? Why was it so important that Sam not have dinner with his girlfriend, but rather fall asleep the whole night in his best friend’s alt car form. Freud would have a field day with this situation! I must admit that I really like Possessive! Bee and I hope to see more of this side of our Camaro friend.

Thank you for removing any sort of emotional or relationship conflict there might have been between Sam and Mikaela. It would seem so silly if Mikaela had felt jilted after falling for Sam only to have Sam be so inconsiderate that he does not bother to inform her that he has more feelings for his car than he does for her. Seriously, conflict like this would have been so not-smexy!

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You did a wonderful job in letting Sam express his emotions about the events at the track. It was so confusing for him and to hear his attempt at explaining it just reassures the underlying assumption that our normally talkative Sam is very much altered by the day’s events. I wonder what the statement that “Sam Witwicky was disappearing and being replaced with something else" really does mean. Again, I have a feeling that this wasn’t a one-time shot. It seems that some major mojo (not the crack!chihuahua) is happening. This feeling is further reinforced by Sam’s internal struggle that what he “felt was so overwhelming that life beside it seemed inconsequential, and that more and more he realized he would die a million times over to feel what they had together again.”

Because those who die while being emotionally and psychologically enslaved by their Twu Luvs are just the luckiest people in the whole wide world! Seriously!

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So, I hope the long review didn’t annoy you overly. I believe if someone takes the time to write high quality fanfic and produce it at a very prodigious rate (I love the schedule!) that each chapter deserves a well-thought out review.

I eagerly await the next installment. It was a beautiful and deeply moving chapter, as always!

-Dania

Ug. If someone updates that quickly then that means that the person writing the story does not have the time to slowly go over it with a fine toothed comb and look for quackery and bat-shit craziness. God forbid a fan girl ever write a sane story.



Chapter 4: because now we need more drama


So, instead of bogging the window down with Twenty-Two paragraphs worth of Bumblebee walking into the woods and sitting on his metal bum...which goes on Forever!

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“You needed to talk to me Bumblebee?” As they were alone his leader had spoken in their native language, rather than the one adopted while conversing with humans. It was a small thing, but it served once again to highlight the vast difference between them and the two small figures far below.

Wow...finely some dialogue...and Bumblebee still does mostly moping in this one too.

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“It was not meant to happen this way. We should either have left with the allspark, or I should have died to keep it from Megatron. Neither of those options came to pass however, in spite of our attempts.” Bumblebee stayed silent, fearing that if he spoke it would either be in anger or despair.

Waaa Waaa, Bumblebee sobs like a little bitch with a skinned knee and Optimus is a perfect sage. No one has any conflict or asks any hard questions that might blow the plot holes open that riddle this thing like Termite tunnels.


After two more paragraphs of useless exposition and minimal dialogue we get this explanation for the sudden and illogical plot twist:

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“As a final attempt to overcome his own destruction as Sam pushed the allspark into his chest, Megatron tried to activate it, to create a new body, a new spark for himself. His efforts failed, there was no machinery nearby capable of transformation, but the energy of the Spark had to go somewhere, and there was only one other being in contact at that time.” He knew there was a horrifying downside coming. Prime was too hesitant, too careful of his words for it to be leading to a ‘happy’ ending.

Oh golly gee! Megatron had one more curve ball to throw at the Autobots and it came in the form of a...spark? Oh come on! Where was the lead up? Any symptoms that Sam might have had? Nada, zilch.


NOTHING!


Were just supposed to accept this 'out of the blue' twist and gasp in horror as the hero of the story is dying and doesn't know it. I call bullshit.

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“The allspark is gone Prime. There will be no more Autobots, no more Decepticons. We are all that’s left now, and out there,” he waved an arm at the vastness of space stretched above them, “the battle continues. More and more of us will fail as time goes on, some in battle, some through accident, some by malfunction, until eventually there will be none of us left.” He dropped his focus back to the ground then, pausing to watch Sam pull a blanket from the cab of Mikaela’s truck and drape it over her slumbering form in the back, feeling the pulse of energy as he stared at the boy’s face. His vocals were the Autobot equivalent of a murmur as he watched his human resume his earlier pacing.

“What would you choose, when it came your time to die Prime? As the last pulse of energy faded from your spark, would you rather have someone acceptable there to watch over you? To keep you company as your final power drains? Or die alone, and have your last memory be of perfection, and the person who taught it to you?” There was silence after that, not even broken by the whirring and clicking of mechanical parts, both of them just sitting there, frozen like statues. Eventually Optimus had stood up and turned away from the cliff, stopping just at the edge of the road that ran behind them.

“I will stop by the Witwicky house tomorrow and we can both explain this to Sam together.” He felt a sense of relief as he nodded, grateful for the reprieve of not having to try and tell the person he cared most about that they were dying.

“And Bumblebee,” he swivelled his head slightly, so he could see the red and blue bot standing there, ready to transform.

“I would choose perfection.”

Ok...I will admit that the author came close to what this fic should have been in these last paragraphs. But sheesh! This could have all been reduced down to one small paragraph plus one line of dialogue. Seriously!


This fic could have been so much better if the author just put down the damn thesaurus and started taking her time.

Ugh...and the urple continues.

And now a word from the Author...which is pretty meaningless until:

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Anyway, funnin’ aside, this chapter was difficult to write. I’m suffering somewhat of a split personality about which way to take the story – both ways lead to the same destination, but have radically different paths. Personally I think the chapter turned out CRAP, so I just hope people will stick with me and not abandon the story See what you think

My head hurts already.

Chapter 5: When all else fails, wank!

So as not to make this post fifteen bajillion pages long, the first 18 paragraphs go something like this:

Bee: We have to talk, Sam.

Sam: Leave me alone...

Bee: It's important, Sam.

Sam: Can't you see I am busy being a butt hurt little dweeb?

Bee: I love you, Sam.

Sam: I love you, too.

Bee: Really?

Sam: Yea...and I hate your guts too, go away!

Bee: But, Sam!

Sam: No! I won't listen! *Sticks fingers in ears* LaLaLa!

Bee: But...

Sam: I don't want to be that crazy guy who humps his car!

Bee: But...every guy humps their car...

Sam: You can find someone else to spend the rest of your life with! Don't make me think up more useless wank to throw at you!

Bee: But...

Sam: Humans die...go find a toaster!

Bee: Alright...

Sam: Really? About the toaster?

Bee: No, but I will wait until you get your head out of your ass.

Sam: Thanks, Bee.

Bee: At which point I will fill the void up your ass with a suitably shaped object on my body.

Sam: O_O

There, I hope your happy...

Next morning...

Quote :

The house was eerily silent when Sam stirred to wakefulness late on Sunday. It was more than just a normal quiet, a sort of heaviness that seemed to actively seek out and smother the sounds that were normally there.

Aha! Sound! I smite thee!

Seriously...adjective abuse is not funny folks. You can end up murdering sounds at random.

The next few paragraphs are useless space fillers then:

Quote :

“What’s going on?” He wished he could have sounded less terrified, especially with the Special Forces captain sitting there, but the entire scene was so surreal that he couldn’t help it. His hand had a death grip on the doorframe, as though it would somehow return him to reality if he just squeezed hard enough. He felt himself start to hyperventilate a little, his heart rate increasing, as his mother let out a small cry before turning and burying her face in his father’s shoulder. Will stood slowly from his seat, coming around the table to pull out a chair for him.

Because we now need drama and NO EXPLANATION! Explanation is so over rated, ya know. Basically, Sam wakes up, senses something wrong, goes down the stairs and sees his parents behaving like total pod people with Captain Lennox as their prisoner. Yea...I would be scared too.

Quote :

Things were meant to be better this morning.

That ain't the only thing that is supposed to be better...

SEVEN MONTHS LATER...

Wait...seven months? Yes seven months into the future. Any explanation as to why? Naw...Explanations are for sissies.

What follows is 20 paragraphs of pointless, excessive wank.

Apparently Sam has just found out that he is dying. Or at least seven months ago he did. What follows is seven months work of wanking and flashbacks because explaining this without the added twist of hindsight is just too cumbersome for this author.

And she needs the wank to string her readers along and tug at their many heart strings.

Sam continues to wank about how he will not be around for much longer while sitting in the back yard and doing absolutely nothing. NOTHING!

Does he go Skydiving? Nope
Rocky Mountain climbing? Nope
Spend 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu-Man-Chu? Nope

What does he do instead? He spends those seven months wanking about not wanting to die! Seriously, if I were Sam I would have called up Mikaela hand boned her on Bumblebee's hood for shits and giggles!

I would have done my absolute best to wind up on TV for something just to be remembered with a smile.

No, Sam wanks. He reminisces and wanks. And wanks...and wanks some more. Then:

Quote :

“B. I want to go for a drive.”

...he goes for a ride.

Wow...really original there Atlantia...way to waste the pixels...ZZZZZZZ

Now their at the race track...and we seem to have gone back in time seven months...

Quote :

he gates to the race track they had used just the day before flew off their hinges as B’s weight slammed into them, sending them soaring through the air to land a hundred feet in the distance. The pit was empty as they flew through onto the track, not even a cleaner or security guard keeping an eye on the place.

Seriously..someone needs to give this person a lesson in how to use a calender.
Now they start racing around the track at night, Sam strips out of his shirt but it still looks as though this is still seven months into the future...

I give up with the timing on this damn thing. We get half dozen more paragraphs about how fast they are going around the track then urple prose about how Sam and Bee's sparks join in some kind of torture chamber of squicky urple horror. The whole experience is painful to experience and painful to read. Nearly every sentence has some abuse of commas or adjectives or of the characters personalities themselves.

After we get done with this overly sexual one car race, things begin to slow down a bit until I see the expanse of paragraphs to go... *whimper*

Quote :

“Sam?” There was a slight tinge of worry to his love’s voice then, a questioning tone that carried a hint of deep terror. He needed to ease that fear, but slack lips refused his commands and no air passed to give him voice. He tried again, desperately willing his lungs to work so he could pass on these important messages, and with slight success he felt them spasm, and he coughed.

Blood sprayed across the glass he was resting against, a crimson fan that almost immediately began to drip down towards the door trim. He wanted to wipe it off; to stop it from staining B’s beautiful interior, but his arms were too heavy. It couldn’t be that important anyway, no doubt there had been worse things smeared on B in his existence. He’d probably get chewed out for it later, but then again it seemed to be darkening and drying even as he watched. Or was that just the sun setting? Had it got that late already?

Can...can it be? Can it be that we are finely coming to an end to this story? No. There is more...much more.

So while Bee is basking in the after glow of their Spark meld, Sam is slowly dying inside. Talk about a destructive relationship.

So the chapter ends with Sam's vision fading to black and the Author cackling about torturing her readers and ending the story right there.

Personally I would think it would be a marked improvement if the story was left to rot at the first chapter. But this was never a perfect world, was it? So instead of leaving off with poor Sam dying after his insides were eaten away by spark energies and then struck by Sex Lightening inside of Bee; we get to endure 10 more chapters of this crap...

Where did that brain bleach go...
:head:

Mythandariel wrote:

Dixie wrote:

Mythandariel, I assume that you added those underscorings in the quotes? Are they supposed to point out spelling mistakes? The author comes from Australia, where, as I understand it, UK English is dominant. All the underlined words are correct by the rules of UK English.

Just another reason why this fic makes my head explode... :hair:

I'm sorry that someone living and writing in a country that is not the USA, spelling correctly in a variant of English that is not US English, causes you so much pain. God forbid that there should be any kind of English other than that used by Good Ol' Uncle Sam, right? So I presume you have similar objections to the UK/Australian/Canadian/etc English used in posts made by the non-US members of this forum?

Mythandariel wrote:

Though spelling not with standing, this fic is like trying to eat half cooked rice slathered in molasses. Sickly sweet, chewy and nauseating.

(Bolding mine) Ah, irony...

Were it not for the subject material and general urple squickiness, this wouldn't be a bad fic. After all, the reader can actually understand what is going on and the spelling doesn't go off into humorous misspellings territory.

BTW, I can read non-U.S. English spelling just fine, in spite of being an American.

Aside from the fact that the author is channeling Smeyer it's not the worst fanfiction I've ever encountered.

For some reason, the spellcheck in my version of OpenOffice uses UK English spelling variations. I haven't bothered to look up how to switch it/if I can switch it. That being said, spelling "dying" "dieing" is one of my biggest pet peeves in terms of spelling mistakes. Surpassed only by confusing "cannon" and "canon"

Dixie, I am not attacking UK English at all. I simply get annoyed when my browser is filled with little red squiggles and I have to wade through them.

I am not hating on the UK so you can stop being all huffy about it.

Anyway...One of the reasons that I chose to spork THIS particular fic, is that long before I had even heard of HoBFF, this was my all time favorite Transformers fan fic.

I like it for all the things it could have been, and hate it for all the things it turned out to be.

Now that I am through with this wank, let us away to the wank that matters.

Chapter 6: Bumblebee has forgotten how to drive

Quote :

With a crunch Bumblebee felt his right mirror sheer off its mounting, the metal and plastic first thumping into the window, and then flung off into the street. The lamppost that had taken it proceeded to collect his rear right quarter a split second later, smashing in the panel and tearing the fender and a good portion of the trunk clear off.

So now first off we are treated to an image of an inept Bumblebee shredding his ass off on a light pole. Seriously...he is a mechanical being whose driving skills rival any human on this planet and he tears his own rear end off...

I call bullshit again. I also call forced drama. Sam and Bee have just sealed their fate as one being in two bodies. Do you really think that Bee would be so careless or reckless as to do anything that might harm Sam?

Then why is he driving like a complete maniac on a crowded street where at any moment he could hit something or someone and have Sam further injured?

Quote :

His engine screamed, the shriek of a machine pushed well past its limits, yet not ready to give out. Within, his spark howled along with it, the newly forming energy pathways and connections demanding that he sacrifice everything, even himself, to prevent harm coming to the one that had completed them.

The author explains this, but I do not think that she really understands what melodrama is at this point. Over-Characterization does not a good story make. This is where I really start to have a problem because this entire scene of Bee tearing himself apart to get Sam to the hospital does not jive with canon.

Bee's exterior is tough enough to withstand a bomb going off yet can not possibly stand up to a light pole? The holes in logic and plot are truly gaping.

And when Bee finely does get to the hospital he has somehow lost all of his driving finesse and crashes into the entryway further putting his 'bonded' in more danger.

Quote :

A large sheet of the plaster ceiling fell on him from above, snapping across his roof like a twig, ending up draped over him in the manner of an over starched table cloth, blocking the majority of his video inputs except one on his lower door trim.

This is a fine example of how easily Sam could have been killed by a stray brick or sheet of plaster. Sometimes less drama and more internal dialogue is needed to convey the emotional turmoil one goes through when the person most precious to it is in mortal danger.

Quote :

He revved and tried to get out from under the plaster blanket that smothered him so effectively, desperate to see what they were planning to do, but only two of his wheels responded to the command. The uneven momentum settled him sideways, embedding him further in the wall, causing more of the ceiling to collapse around him, thumping onto his hood and the tiles. The humans beside him bent over, shielding Sam from the debris that rained down over then. He couldn’t see them after that, too much plaster and ceiling tile between them, but he heard the sudden electrical discharge of the machine, and he listened with baited breath for any sign of progress.

I doubt that anyone would be this reckless. This is only for drama and plot device and has nothing to do with the actual story. Bee could have gotten to the hospital in less time if he had been more responsible and not gotten himself damaged in the process.

The obvious characterization errors aside, I find the author's lack of ability to get someone from point A to point B without teleporting them within a single paragraph confusing. Not only does it pull the reader out of the story, it leaves them wondering what in the world is going on.

Quote :

“Again.” It was the doctor’s voice, and the hum began to repeat, building towards a crescendo. It took a second to peak, and then another burst sounded. For tense microseconds after that Bumblebee thought he’d break down from the fear of not knowing, the fear of never seeing Sam again, of being too late to make a difference. Then a gasping breath rattled into the chaotic wreckage. He heard the doctor call for ventilation and a gurney, then his grief took him, and the equivalent of a sob rocked his chassis. Energy discharged throughout his entire system, causing a spontaneous overload, and then he was still. He desperately wanted to know where they were taking Sam, which direction, which room, but his scanners were gone and he couldn’t follow them with sound after they turned a corner, the activity surrounding him drowning out everything else.

The doctors go from trying to revive Sam while he is still in the middle of a destroyed lobby to wheeling him down the hall without so much as putting him on the gurney.

Very confusing if you are trying desperately to follow this story without getting lost in third person thought bubble soliloquy.

Quote :

He attempted to free himself from the debris enshrouding him, each effort prompting seemingly more panic from the people still in the waiting room as well as serving only to bury him deeper. He seemed to have no option but to sit and wait it out, ignoring the painful energies flowing through his core, when around him he suddenly became aware of the presence of the hospital’s wireless network, and the temptation was simply too much. He hacked it with almost childish ease and flicked through the records until he located what he was looking for.

Again were are being forced to believe that everything concerning the Transformers in movie canon does not exist, even though this is a Movie-verse story. Go figure. Apparently Bee's sensors are all on his exterior and are easily destroyed by the odd flying piece of plaster. Not only that, but an Autobot's ability to hack into various networks depends now solely on whether or not they are in the same immediate space as the wires traversing that network.

Again I find it confusing when someone says they are writing within a certain universe and fail to follow those universe's rules. If she wished to change the rules at random she should have labeled her fic as AU or Alternate Reality. However, she does not which leads me to believe that the logic holes coupled with rapid fire succession of chapter updates, means that she has not done one lick of research aside from what she remembers as a child on the cartoons.

Quote :

Zooming the primitive surveillance device in, Bumblebee could make out the soft rise and fall of Sam’s chest and shuddered in relief as that fact filtered through his systems like a soothing balm on a human burn. The nurse was gently taping small round sensor pads to the bare chest and arms, while the doctor sliced through the jeans with medical precision. B felt a moment of embarrassment and anger for his human as the now sticky wetness of his boxers was exposed to the assembled medical personnel. The moment the button on the machine was pressed however, a shrill tone filled the room and the camera’s microphone, the screen on the small monitoring device promptly flashing white before blackening in a way that did not resemble its previous inactive state. The doctor swore, demanding the nurse hook up another machine, only to watch as that one also proceeded to detonate itself.

What happened her exactly? What button was pressed on what device and what explanation is given to show why everything suddenly went black? None. The reader is left confused again because the paragraph reads like the doctor pressed the button on Sam. Somewhere on his anatomy there was a button pushed that shorted out all the equipment in the room.

Quote :

Now however, it seemed that there had been a rather spectacular explosion in his human’s insides, clusters of cells and even organs growing exponentially as the current duplicated and renewed them. It didn’t require a computational analysis from Ratchet to determine that their bonding had triggered it, the contact between cores acting like fuel on the fire and propelling it to new heights.

And it was killing his spark bound as surely as it would have beforehand, the growths stopping the important functions that maintained human life. His love’s lungs were filled with blocked and congested pathways, as the alveoli that normally filtered the oxygen grew like tumours, probably cutting off his air during his exertions as the disconnected spark had acted to quell the increasing blood oxygen content. In his heart another ventricle had sprouted, distorting the organ into something that barely resembled its previous shape; a response, no doubt, to what appeared to be an insufficient ability to circulate the blood through his overworked organs. Numerous other systems showed evidence of the same sorts of changes, from the growth in the number of veins and arteries to the constricting of blood flow to the brain. Thankfully, for the moment, most of the changes appeared to be reversing themselves, more than likely because he was resting and his body’s systems were returning to normal.

These paragraphs contradict each other in a very irritating way. First off, The spark that seems to have settled itself within Sam's body is making his organs better. In the next paragraph, it is killing him. Please to be explaining why something healing you kills you?

Alas, we get no explanation as to how or why the spark is killing Sam, only that it is and we should be feeling very sorry for the young boy right now. If only I could determine exactly what was going on.

Quote :

It seemed either way his human was destined to die from Megatron’s last attempt to cheat death, fading away as his systems were shut down to comply with the spark’s original programming, or filled with unnatural growths until his own organs killed him.

Wank. So much wank and urple slathered with melodrama that I can barely keep my eyes from watering while reading this. I can imagine so many different ways this could play out. There are so many ways conflict could naturally occur between Sam and Bee, or Bee and the rest of the Autobots or Bee with Sam's parents. However the author chose a conflict that does not have dialogue options to muck up her already urpled fic.

Again I will change Bee's name to Edward just for the ease of understanding how crappy this all is.

Urple durple wankety wank wank. Four long ass paragraphs describe someone trying to tow Bee away and Bee resisting.

Quote :

They were spark bound now; no one would ever separate them again.

He’d sworn it.

Jeez. Could this get any longer. Yes it could. It ends with a little note from the author explaining what she wanted to do with this chapter. Here's a little piece of advice from one writer to another. If you have to explain what you wanted to do after you wrote the chapter...you did it wrong.

And believe it or not...this was supposed to be just a set up for the climax. :head:

Now that I have the hoses to the brain bleach strapped directly to my head, I can continue with this...thing.

Chapter 7: Atlantia uses urple like Michael Bay uses explosives

Quote :

Ratchet’s laser scalpel sliced cleanly through the ruined panels which were still attached to his frame, with their usual surgical precision, while behind them his replicator array began crafting their replacements.

Ratchet, apparently has the amazing ability to poop out all the parts needed to repair Edward Bumblebee, now.

Quote :

It had been an uncomfortable moment for everyone, that first instant when Bumblebee had seen the red and blue cab of Optimus entering the car park with the yellow emergency vehicle following behind. The third vehicle was that of the Witwicky’s, the two pale faces within filling him with well deserved, though unrepentant guilt that shamed him to silence.

They are staring at you because you let yourself be man handled by a fanbrat, Bee! Grow some Auto-balls and blast this crapthor away!!

Quote :

His scanners were gone until Ratchet replaced them, but he had not needed their sensors to inform him that both of his older team mates were taking in the ruined façade of the building, no doubt already calculating the speed and angle of his impact, as well as the likelihood this could be explained away to both the local authorities, and the ever watchful eye of a grateful yet suspicious government. The disappointment could almost be felt like a palpable wave rolling off Prime towards him.

So many personalities in one car, it boggles the mind. We see Possessive Bee, Adamant Bee, Horny Bee, Neurotic Bee, Can't-Drive-Worth-A-Damn Bee, and now Ashamed Bee. Will the real Bumblebee please step forward?

In the interest of preserving your sanity, I will summarize the next 32 paragraphs... :head:

Ratchet: Optimus has always thought of you as his son. He is not disappointed...just sad.

Bee: Why is he sad?

Ratchet: Because, soon you will be gone...

Bee: Where?

Ratchet: Not where, who.

Bee: Who?

Ratchet: Someone else, that's who?

Bee: I is confused...

Ratchet: Because when you bonded your sparks together it created an urple being that is, even now, replacing your personality.

Bee: But...

Ratchet: And because you are no longer an Autobot.

Bee: Wha!?!

Ratchet: You have become a liability to the team.

Bee: How?

Ratchet: *Sigh* Because the Authoress demands it. Look, Bee. I think this is something about there being war everywhere and now that the Allspark is gone there is no real need to plan anything anymore... You know what? Stop asking questions, all this thinking is giving me a headache.

Bee: So...Optimus does not trust me anymore?

Ratchet: He trusts you. He just can rely on you. Because bonded beings are so unreliable what with their mates to think about. I've never heard of anyone fighting to protect their mate, have you?

Bee: How long have you been on this planet, Ratchet?

Ratchet: Bee...you tore your own ass off trying to get to the hospital. Seriously, would you rely on you right now?

Bee: So, I am a frizzed part that needs to be replaced?

Ratchet: In a nutshell...yes. Though on the bright side, when Sam finely dies, you can rejoin the team!

Bee: Who are you?

Ratchet: You can blow things up again.

Bee: Will I ever be sane again?

Ratchet: Of course you will. I was in your position once, and now look at me! *Twitch*

Bee: Uh huh...

Ratchet: Besides Bee, a human can not possibly contain the energy that was meant to power Megatron. Why are you staring at me all of a sudden?

Bee: No reason. *Light bulb goes off* No reason, at all.

Insane yet?

Real Bee: Did someone call my name?

Myth: Bee?! Wait...is this the real Bee?

Real Bee: Point me to the nearest fire hydrant.

Myth: That's good enough for me.

Real Bee: What's this I heard about me tearing my own ass off?

Myth: Don't ask...just read the fic.

Real Bee: *reads* By the Pit! How? Why? Is this even possible?

Myth: Easy Bee...its just fan fic. None of it is true.

Real Bee: *Twitch*

Myth: And, while I get Ratchet to replace Bee's processor; here is the last few lines from this chapter.

Ratchet: You think this is funny, don't you? Next time, you're doing this.

Quote :

Everything he had sworn he would never do, every truth he had thought to be self evident, disappeared at the appearance of that tiny chance that offered him salvation for his bonded.

There was no hesitation as he activated his communications systems, waiting precious moments before feeling the connection.

“What is the meaning of this!?” Bumblebee didn’t respond to the question, not interested in anything the other had to say that didn’t concern his human.

“Shut off your vocal processor for a nano-second and listen Starscream. I have a deal that I think can help both of us.”

:hair:

On to Chapter 8!

Ratchet:
I swear to Primus, if you so much as blow a fuse, I will beat your cranium in with as many wrenches I can find!

Alrighty, then!

After a long and ultimately useless note from the author, we come to the 8th chapter of this rotting carcass.

Chapter 8: the rape of the plot

The Real Bee: I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Myth: Relax. If I can stay sane through this, so can you.

The Real Bee: Your sane?

Myth: Why don't y'all feast your eyes on this Brain Safe summary of the next 37 paragraphs, while I look for a really big wrench?

The Real Bee: Traitor!

Spoiler:

Quote :

He’d looked better he supposed. Near death could do that to a person, and hospital gowns weren’t exactly known for their sex appeal either. But his normal clothes were gone, apparently the jeans destroyed during the procedure that had saved him, the shirt he remembered losing long before that. As for his boxers, he’d felt his face burn as the doctor had come to talk to him, the older man not saying anything about it, but Sam unable to shake the image that he was silently being judged. He wondered what the man would think if he knew the truth, if he knew exactly what had caused him to spill himself in his pants. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

I actually did some research, and it is possible for a guy to loose his load during an extremely stressful and traumatic event. But God forbid that anyone use any common sense when there is WANGST to be had!!!11!!

And apparently Sam has still not found anything worth while to do with his remaining days as a living being...

LAME!

Quote :

They had asked him what had happened, trying to find out what triggered the attack, but he had not been brave enough to tell them. They had sat with him, his mother holding his hand, as the doctor had shown them the results of the MRI scan he’d been subjected to while unconscious, pointing out the numerous growths, lesions and deformities where there shouldn’t be any, going into gruesome detail as to how each would add to his imminent and fast approaching death. His mother had cried. Not the deep, heart wrenching sobs she had made earlier when first given the news, but the slow gentle tears of a person who has exhausted themselves emotionally, and cannot find it in themselves to try and force it. His father had been absolutely still and silent, the doctor even questioning him at one point if he had been listening.

Now I can start planning my next fishing trip without having to worry about that kid blowing up the whole block. Oh wow, this is gre-huh? Listening? Yea, inexplicable cancer stuff going all weird in his chest. Sad Face and all, now let me get back to planning my fishing trip.

Quote :

“I think we need to separate you for a while from that… car.” It had taken a minute for him to process exactly what the words meant, his brain having trouble connecting the concept of separation, with his connection to Bumblebee. He had jerked as though slapped, pulling his hand away from his mother and cradling it to his chest, feeling betrayed and deceived.

“You can’t do that dad.” He hadn’t raised his voice or spoken in anger, but his father had stood from the seat and started pacing back and forth across the small room, his voice heating a little as he continued.

“He’s a bad influence on you son. He keeps you out to all hours of the day and night, takes you to dangerous places and gets you to join in with dangerous activities. He’s practically ruined what you had with that Mikaela girl, always keeping you away from her; he’s destroyed any chance you two had.”

Do you mean that Sam dying from cancer is small potatoes compared to the dreaded bad influence!?! So all of those billions of dollars going into cancer research would be better spent getting those patients away from those darn pesky bad influences? EUREKA!!!!

Quote :

“Besides, it’s not like it makes much of a difference now anyway.” And there it was, hovering before them again like a spectre, throwing the room into silence. He supposed there wasn’t really a way to move the conversation past a point like that; it kind of killed any possible comment that might have followed. Eventually they had quietly stood and opened the door, telling him only that they’d get some coffee and be back in a little while.

That had been thirty minutes ago.

All the reason left in the fic left with those two numb skulls...

And when they get back from an hour long coffee break, Bumblebee has grown to the height of a 10 story building and is in the process of abducting a very willing Sam who has descended into the pre-teen mantra of 'you just don't understand!'.

And so Sam's parents freak out over a now taller Bumblebee imitating King Kong and abducting their son. Meanwhile Sam and Bumblebee discuss a plan that could save Sam's life which...follows no logic at all. None.

And Sector Seven is coming for Sam and now they must make a protracted farewell in order to move this story along. Sam promises to call or some shit and then steps onto Bumblebee's hand and flashes the world as they both drive off into the sunset...

And then Starscream pops out of the sky and carries the hapless couple away...willingly.

Seriously...WTF?

Ok...I am going to try to get through the last few chapters of this before going on to the sequel. Try being the operative word.

Chapter 9: Shit blows up...

Quote :

Ok, I
beg your apology for not posting for the last day and a half, but
I’ve been sick as a dog. I think it’s Karma coming to get me…

I would like to think so.

Quote :

“Ms
Madsen is here to see you again sir.” The voice overrode the gentle
scratching of a pen in the office, the final chimes of the clock on
the wall announcing that it was a little after 1am in the morning.
The occupant of the office had not left since the first meeting a
little over three hours ago and consequently, dark rings now outlined
the slightly drooped eyes, and small crescent dimples were apparent
where the glasses rested on his nose. Both symptoms contrasted with
the brilliantly lit, white walled interior of the room.

What the hell is wrong with just saying that he had dark circles under his eyes? And when the hell did Secretary Keller get put into an office with padded white walls?

Quote :

The woman looked as poorly as the man, though a
little blearier eyed, but both had a slight spring still in their
step as they sank to the couch.

How do you have a spring in your step when your sitting - you know what? Screw thinking!

Quote :

“Give it
to me gently; it’s been a rough night.”

This!

Blah, Blah, Blah...Sector Seven is on the move, can't track them with all this equipment and know how at our disposal that worked in the first two movies. And Sector Seven blew up a bridge-why? Don't know and don't care, either.

And now the Autobot's have disappeared, too.

And that is the entire chapter in a nut shell. God my brain hurts!

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Chapter 10: Sand in mah crack!

Why? Because reading this is more painful than having sand in my butt and running 5 miles in a thong.

It takes this author 76 paragraphs to say one thing!

'Sam and Bumblebee were taken to a deserted island (Which is no where near where Megatron was dropped off!) by Starscream who wants Sam to revive Megatron with the spark that has somehow materialized in his chest. Bumblebee arranged this so that Sam won't die.'

THAT IS IT!!!

IT TAKES THIS CRAPTHOR 76 CHAPTERS TO DESCRIBE THAT SIMPLE CONCEPT!!!

She has turned to the Twilight side. She is more Sue now, than Author. Twisted and evil.

She was the star pupil of Darth CockBlock A.K.A. Stephanie Meyer and has now mastered the arts of Urple, TMI, Thesaurus Bludgeoning and the dreaded QUAMP-Bore!

She must now be destroyed so that the galaxy of good Transformers Fan Fiction can live in peace and harmony!!!

Chapter 11: Carve out heart, insert urple

Like taking an especially sticky band-aid off of a hairy part of the body, there is no way to do this without causing much pain. So I shall do this as quickly as possible.

Quote :

“Because I wished to. Because since I came online I have never felt for anyone what I felt for you. Because after this, anyone I met would have felt like a betrayal of those feelings. Now I can never forget, I can never betray, and I will have the memory of what we experienced, that moment of connection, of joining. It is a gift I will treasure until the day I go offline.” The metallic fingers gently caressed across his chest and shoulders, a comforting touch that seemed to say that everything was alright.

Who else finds it disturbing that Bumblebee has, in effect, abducted Sam to be his unlawfully wedded bride? It resembles forcing someone to sign something in a foreign language and then revealing it was a marriage contract. Not cool.

Anyway, more exposition about how when Sam gives his spark back to Megatron he will no longer be obligated to love Bumblebee (creepy?) and instead it will be Bumblebee who will languish for all eternity being bound to Sam who will have no bond to him.

Cue loud bawling.

Quote :

“You willingly bound yourself to this, thing? You Autobots are worse off than I thought.” Sam swallowed uncomfortably, eyes swinging back and forth between his guardian and the shining silver machine next to him.

Wow...Starscream pops in to pick out the most disturbing part of this fic. If it didn't sound like two girls hissy fighting it would be compelling.

Quote :

“Perhaps Starscream. But at least I have a bonded.” The shriek that came from the larger bot quickly answered Sam’s question about where he had obtained his name, and he scrambled backwards through the sand, as with almost unimaginable speed, an enormous hand closed around Bumblebee’s throat. The metal fingers made a clinking sound against B’s armour, the sound a sinister staccato of construction, in the otherwise natural surroundings. His bonded made no attempt to fend off the attack, standing there impassively in the face of the apparent anger.

Nope...this is just hissy fighting on a massive scale. And thinking about Starscream getting his name because he is easily goaded into fights about his non existent sexual prowess is at once disturbing and again hilarious.

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“Do not fight it Sam. Do not try and hold onto it out of some wish to keep what we have, you must let it go. It is the only way to save you.” Sam nodded slowly, the spark energy making him unable to disobey, the command as bittersweet as one lover asking another to cut his head off.

Wut? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Um... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ???? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ????

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“Why do you even want him back anyway?” He wanted to kick himself for letting his mouth run away with him again, but now that he’d started he couldn’t seem to turn it off.

It's called Reason, Sam. There's no use blocking it when it's been denied for this long.

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“Not all bondings can be as blessedly reciprocated as yours, human.” The head slowly pulled away, though the gaze stayed unwaveringly locked with his.

“Sometimes a spark feels it has no partner worthy of bonding with it.” That flash flew across Starscream’s optics again, something that briefly interrupted the overwhelming anger that poured from them.

“No matter how much another may try to prove it.” There was a second, after that statement, as the truth of what the Decepticon was saying soaked in, that Sam felt sadness for his plight. After what he had just learnt from Bumblebee, about what would happen to the bot after they completed what they were here to do, he could imagine what it must have been like.An eternity spent living with the knowledge that you had found what you were seeking, and an eternity knowing you could never have it. Worse still, feeling compelled for that eternity to try and prove yourself worthy of it. At least B would have the comfort of his memories as some small consolation. Starscream would have only abuse and rejection.

Oh God. Robot angst. Forced wangst is so...so...Forced. Jeez, lady! Could you let something develop naturally for a change or are you hell bent on making everyone as fucked up and emo as you are?

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Dun dun DUN!Or maybe the better sound would be that drum sound after a bad joke “baddump PSSH”.

My thoughts exactly...

Chapter 12: Hurry up and finish already! (Hurr, that's what she said!)

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Well the response to Chapter 11 was extremely lukewarm [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] So I’m guessing people are getting eager for an ending.

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So the chapter opens up with the US Navy unleashing a can of whoop ass on the beach. More whiny dialogue then:

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The small bursts of water turned into plumes of sand, marching towards them, though Sam could feel little but the warmth of B around him and the beating of their bond.

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Bullets fly by and start tearing up innocent foliage and I have a vivid fantasy of one hitting Sam and that being the end of the story.

No such luck.

Starscream saves Sam, drags Megatron on shore and Sam jumps in the gaping hole in the Decepticon leader's chest and then they all get blow'd up.

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Sam could see he wouldn’t make it however, and couldn’t risk shooting at it lest his shots miss and impact the very human he was trying to save. He watched almost in slow motion as the alien jet seemed to realise this and helplessly pulled up, the missile coming on with the relentlessness of a train set on its rails. He was mere feet from the presumed safety of the large bot now, and he leapt off the soft sand, arm outstretched to grasp something to pull him up onto the enormous ribcage, but human muscles couldn’t compare with the speed of computers and machinery. It seemed his feet had barely left the
ground when light filled his vision, like that of his bond to Bumblebee, but this time it simply brightened the world around him, rather than obscure it. His shadow briefly became a sharp edged silhouette against the metal in front of him, a blackness that appeared to almost have depth compared to the reflections of the light around it, until even that darkness was lost and his vision was whited out.

What must have been a fraction of a second later the heat hit him. It instantly passed through his relatively thin clothing, searing his back with the intensity of a thousand whips, flaying the skin from the muscle beneath, the smell of charred flesh filling his nostrils moments before his nerves seemed to register the pain and he screamed. Or at least he would have, if the shockwave hadn’t arrived and torn the very air from around him. It hit him like a truck, throwing him into the body before him and swirling him about like a leaf, sucking the oxygen straight from his lungs. His hands flailed wildly as he tried
to grab a hold of anything to halt his tumbling, his fingers closing around something hard, grasping hold with the tenacity of a rock climber.

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Anyway...the beach explodes into battle, Starscream shoots kids at a passing jet, Iron Hide sounds like a Shakespearean actor and when Sam gets the spark back in Megatron's chest he starts treating Starscream like his prison bitch again.

All is well. Or is it?

It seems that the Autobots are out for blood now that their personalities have all been replaced by pod-bots from planet ShitForBrains. Now Bumblebee and Sam are Numbers 1&2 on Cybertron's Most Wanted list and they leave the island lickety split.

Because apparently Megatron feels like helping the Autobot and human who brought him back to life instead of leaving them to their fates.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] There is no reason for this...it just makes me smile.

AW STARSCREAM IS A BIG ANGST PUPPY~!

*cough*

And here it is! The end of this horrible bore of a fic! A fic that could have been a rather moving one to two chapters long rather than something that would put Quamp to sleep.

Chapter 13: The end is near! (Unless you count the sequel. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] )

And right away we see that Bumblebee is afraid of heights. I suppose that made falling through the Earth's atmosphere during the first movie pretty interesting.

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But he had been silent, not uttering a word or explanation as he carried B in his car form beneath his large wingspan, their destination appearing to be either Indonesia or Australia. He could find no indication of Megatron’s presence anywhere nearby, nothing on scanners or within visual range. It posed a problem for his computations, one which had given him only three options. First, the newly resurrected Decepticon had ditched Starscream and gone off on his own, second, he had ordered their rescue, planning to rendezvous later, or three, that their saviour was acting of his own accord. None of the options made any sense to his processors. Megatron may have been powerful but he was hardly a match for Optimus and all of the Autobots combined, so he was unlikely to abandon Starscream when to the best of his knowledge the flyer was his only remaining ally. He was also not the type of bot who would feel any type of guilt about abandoning his rescuers to their fate if it posed even the slightest risk to himself, so there was no reason to send said only ally back to save them. And finally, Starscream was for the most part a coward, and having just resurrected Megatron, was unlikely to anger him again so quickly. Everything he ever did was an attempt to please or impress the Decepticon leader, whether that was proving his loyalty by informing on possible traitors, or even trying to prove his strength and cunning by overthrowing him himself. Saving the two of them would neither impress nor please Megatron.

Wow...so Bumblebee is confused because rescuing an Autobot AND a human goes against the personalities of both Megatron and Starscream. Wow...that was summed up pretty easily.

Anyway, why did Starscream rescue Bumblebee and Sam?

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“You will be welcomed back with open arms as the two who strayed for love, even Optimus will come to forgive your sins, if he hasn’t already, and their faith and trust in you will be restored.” The Australian continent was large ahead of him now, approaching them at a pace that would have made him nervous had he not the ability to calculate their margin of safety. Still speaking to him over the transmission, Starscream’s voice dropped until it was almost a self satisfied smirk.“Most importantly, will be the knowledge of what I have done for you, the debt you now owe, a concept important to all Autobots. Because at some distant point in the future we will meet again, Bumblebee. It may not happen immediately, but at some time, some critical moment, you will face me, and for just a nanosecond you will remember that I helped you escape and rescue your bond mate.” Bumblebee shook as their plummet slowed, a lonely stretch of coastal road stretching ahead of them.“And in that instant, Autobot, you will hesitate. And I will win.” The last was said in a triumphant whisper as he was released by the large jet, his wheels already spinning at a speed roughly the same as their velocity. He hit the road with a squeal, plumes of smoke billowing out from each tyre. He braked as soon as it was safe to do so, watching as their temporary ally became an enemy again and disappeared back up into the sky.

Hmmm...I must be losing my mind. That sounded an awful lot like the real Starscream just now.

Anywho, they land, Sam wakes up and begins an endless wangst fest about how he regrets doing what he did because he got Bumblebee in trouble and that he now has to live the rest of his life with out the spark bond or what ever.

Bumblebee makes no attempt at displaying a personality and asks Sam to strip so that he can tend to his wounds. But wouldn't you know it! A piece of the All Spark has lodged itself inside of Sam and now he has a spark WITH OUT the possibility of dying!

And all of this is utterly unsatisfying! These are the same circumstances that the story started under but now that we have put the couple in question through the ringer and forced the relationship to develop unnaturally it just seems unfinished.

All of this could have been resolved with one, maybe two chapters of awesome. But instead we get 13 chapters of utter Quamp-tastic crap.

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