Sarah Palin Adventures

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From the makers of I Was A Cabbage Patch Mormon comes a riveting tale of Sarah Palin, and how she fearlessly, um, exists and stuff.
And how demonic crickets are summoned at the whisper of her name.

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Cover

Zeiss Manifold: Sarah "Jowls" Palin in FEMALE FORCE 2008
Delcat: So originally these were like eight BAJILLION pixels wide, right?
Zeiss Manifold: Yeah, I had to resize it. Scan business is scan business, I guess.
Delcat: Guys, I'm not sure where that misshapen thumb is going, and it scares me.
Zeiss Manifold: At least the cover artist got a gold star for his work.
InkWeaver: "All right, Sarah, we're going to need you to speak clearly into these vaguely phallic-objects pointed at your face."
InkWeaver: "The mics?"
InkWeaver: "Yeah."
Delcat: What is her pin supposed to be? An inverse Japanese flag?
Delcat: An angry eye?
Delcat: Did a pirate give her the Black Spot and she went "THAT SURE IS NICE" and glued it to her chest?
InkWeaver: An eye. Watching us all.
InkWeaver: WATCHING.
Zeiss Manifold: Was the podium colored in Magic Marker?
Zeiss Manifold: SO MANY QUESTIONS
InkWeaver: Something I notice - they even took the time to draw on her eyeliner.
InkWeaver: That's meticulous right there.
Delcat: Hey, they're not paying those kids in the secret Conservative Comic Dungeons fifteen cents a day to phone it in.
Zeiss Manifold: Someone took a chip out of her glasses, too. Anyway, who's up for some credits?

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Page 1

Delcat: Hey, what kind of hippie liberal crap is this? Maintainable resources? THAT IS NOT THE PALIN WAY.
InkWeaver: Cover page.
InkWeaver: Then credits page.
InkWeaver: My thoughts: BE FUNNY BE FUNNY BE FUNNY BE FUNNY
InkWeaver: uhhhhhhhh
InkWeaver: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh
InkWeaver: I CAN'T DO IT.
Delcat: Actually, it's worth noting that I played a drinking game with Diet Mountain Dew during one of Palin's speeches and downed about 24 ounces in less than twenty minutes, so a lot of her policies are kinda blurred to me.
Delcat: It was just like STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID ALASKA STUPID and then I had to piss for like a half-hour straight.
Zeiss Manifold: I am assuming that they obtained the wood pulp by going up and throwing axes at trees from a helicopter.
Delcat: Ironically, I think Cyberwulf wouldn't mind shooting Palin from a helicopter.

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Page 2

Delcat: ...yeah, this also happened after the drinking game, how did they know?
Zeiss Manifold: "Gee whiz! Or bad Cheez Whiz."
Zeiss Manifold: It's like they exchanged dialogue-writing tips with the Truth for Youth people.
Delcat: Uh, wow. I was expecting...something not utterly batshit. Does this...are you sure this is the right comic?
Delcat: Everyone else SEES that, right? I'm not hallucinating?
Zeiss Manifold: "Uh, my jaw's kinda receding into my head right now. You might want to come back later."
InkWeaver: Oh my god.
InkWeaver: debbie schlussel produced this comic, didn't she?
InkWeaver: Under a psuedonym?
Delcat: guys am I trippin' balls here? Cricket balls?
InkWeaver: Instead of Smacula, this time we have Jiminy Cricket.
InkWeaver: I expect him to have outrageous demands and challenges for us to meet and complete in order to get the FUCKING SECRET ENDING
InkWeaver: Also.
InkWeaver: "POIT."
InkWeaver: That is all.
Zeiss Manifold: More like Sariny Palickit amirite
Zeiss Manifold: oh god that doesn't even work this comic hates us already
Delcat: Panel 1: Hamfistedly typing Supernatural smutfic is so sexually exciting that the author starts growling like a lovesick dog.
Delcat: If there is not a NARF to go with this POIT, I am going to be severely disappointed.
Zeiss Manifold: Third panel: "MUST...NOT...LIVE LONG AND PROSPER"

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Page 3-4

Delcat: that's because HIS HAND'S ON BACKWARDS
Delcat: or wait no shit
Zeiss Manifold: Tonight, the part of Hillary Clinton will be played by Mac from Mac & Me. BroughttoyoubyMcDonald's
InkWeaver: And in this round of Goldeneye: Politics on the Nintendo 64, we've put it on the bighead setting.
Delcat: O-oh God. She wants to drink my spinal fluid out of the hollowed-out skull of a lemur.
Delcat: Extraordinarily beautiful--pfffffffft
Zeiss Manifold: Hey, don't knock her for being part Lego.
InkWeaver: ONLY ONE THING WAS CLEAR, GAIZ
InkWeaver: SHE FUCKIN' LOST THE ELECTION
InkWeaver: The eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend.
Delcat: Who is that guy on the far left? I feel like I know him from somewhere.
Delcat: Like, a throwaway villian from CSI or something.
Zeiss Manifold: I hope it's not supposed to be Obama. I really do.
Delcat: "Did John McCain reach into his gut and tenderly caress his Big Mac-filled stomach to make room for the fries? The world may never know."
Delcat: seriously what does that phrase even MEAN
Delcat: Does he have a stomata?
Zeiss Manifold: Big Macs? Sorry, Del, McCain's clearly advocating the Five-Dollar Footlong plan here.
Zeiss Manifold: And we already agreed that Hillary represented McD's, being Mac and all.
Delcat: Oh, is that the Invisible Sub hand gesture? I wasn't aware.
InkWeaver: I almost expect beardy to stroke his facial hair evilly, and then steeple his fingers.

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Page 5

Zeiss Manifold: FIND ME THE GLOVE OF DARTH PALIN
InkWeaver: (Wait wait. Which is Neal? Is he a liberal or a conservative? Somehow I've failed to grasp which one he is.)
Delcat: I must admit, if I was forced to draw this shit, I'd take any excuse I could get to get bored and start doodling Stormtrooper Apocalypse too.
Delcat: (I don't think they know either.)
InkWeaver: Now, why do I think that would make a better comic entirely?
Delcat: (I think they think liberals think like this, having never met any.)
InkWeaver: And why does it look like those storm troopers are ushering away a younger George Lucas?
InkWeaver: And do Social Security checks usually come on papers very largely and juvenilely labeled with SOCIAL SECURITY
Delcat: ...that is really, clearly not an ape on the telephone pole. They can't even keep their monkey jokes straight.
InkWeaver: This looks strangely like the looting scene from Jumanji.
Delcat: Yeah, especially the sun-bleached skulls. I loved that part.
InkWeaver: Clearly, all they have to do is finish the game, get to the end, and say "Jumanji," then all the monkeys and Van Pelt will go back in the board and everyone will learn their lesson. Yay, Robin Williams!
InkWeaver: Wait, what were we talking about?
Delcat: So, uh, in the original book, Pinocchio skooshed Jiminy with a hammer like two chapters in. Can we get some of that up in here?
Zeiss Manifold: I think this comic tries to be funny in the same way that the Felix the Cat movie tried to be funny. It fails and we end up confused and smelling of matted hair.

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Page 6

Delcat: THE BEATLES ANGER DEMONIC WOODY
Zeiss Manifold: "Sarah quickly became bored with the infant life, however..."
Delcat: Oh God, is this going to be a comic glorifying small-town values? 'Cause I've lived in a small town all my life, and its values fucking suck. Small town values are about petty grudges, dead-end jobs, and more incest than you can imagine.
InkWeaver: You know, I try not to judge the looks of babies, 'cause I think that's just so shallow it's almost reprehensible.
InkWeaver: But if that's how Sarah Palin looked, wow, what a gruesome baby.
Delcat: I'm not even joking about the incest, guys.
Delcat: At least she grew into her lips.
Delcat: Hurrrrrr that divider on the sign has balls.
Zeiss Manifold: Penile Wolf Syndrome is not a pretty sight, Del.
Delcat: Neither is Wolf Penile Syndrome, but we're still snarking those gorrang Furoticon cards.

Okay, I think the blond woman on pages 3-4 is supposed to be Cindy McCain. it's hard to tell because it looks like half her face melted under the hot stage lights.

And Beardy McEvil is supposed to be Todd Palin, but he kinda looks...too happy. Every time I've seen him on TV he looks like he's stunned.

And whoever thought that we should have a Jiminy Cricket expy with 4 arms as the "voice of reason" should be taken out back and given an "Old Yeller".

Where do you guys find this stuff? Holy crap.

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Guys- wait! Socialism is the empire! They built their Death Star, and shit just got real. It's the end of the galaxy as we know it! Bring in Sarah Palin! The Rebel Alliance!