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 The Adventures of BIONICA!!

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WD40
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PostSubject: The Adventures of BIONICA!!   Fri Jun 22, 2012 12:44 pm

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Hello, my fine, furry friends!



Spoiler:
 


But I made a promise.


Welcome to the Adventures of Bionica. A wonderful example of a Mary Sue whose task it is to plague the Avengers in a brainless fan-re-write of one of the greatest action movies of the last 10 years.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

But before we begin proper though, I'd like to invite our more military-minded board members to assess the realism of the following character dossier:

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Born August 13th, 1921. Joined United States Army August 13th,1939. Specially promoted to Captain due to tactical genius in 1944. Played as an asset to winning several major battles in the war.

[...]

Rank: Three-Star General (Retired)

Seem a little far-fetched, but fuck it, right? Superhero fic. We can let a little over-the-topness slide ri...

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Subjects Name: Lorelei "Rory" Anne Hart

Huh...

A quick Wiki search tells me that the first lady to lead troops was [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] in 1989. And yet, here we have a 3-star female general... In the late 40's.

And guess what? What you've just read is the most beleivable part of this character's Bio - Even when taking account that this is a universe in which there's a dude out there who can turn into a green giant because he was blasted by magic radiation.

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In June 1946 [She] stepped on a rogue land mine.

Pfft, Women in the military. Amirite, fellas?


What's a "Rogue" land mine, anyway? Seems to me that this particular land mine did exactly what it needed to do. It was a pretty exemplarary land mine in that regard. A role-model for future land mines, even.


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What was left of Hart's body was put into a drug-induced coma for the next several months while Howard Stark (see File No. 1002137) created Hart a new body made of proto-adamantium, covered in a synthetic material that resembles flesh.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] IN THE 1940s. With a character who we want to keep alive for her tactical abilities alone!

Spoiler:
 

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This made Hart physically indestructible, while still physically acceptable.

Heaven forid we have a physically unattractive half-human half machine abomination.

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Hart's brain was implanted inside the metal body successfully on March 8th, 1947.

As the fic progresses, we'll soon find that this might not be as true a statement as you might think. Either way, why the indestructable metal body? If we so despratly wanted to keep this woman alive for her tactical genius then just put her brain in a jar. Save the indestructable metal body for a mega-trained supersoldier or something!

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Though the war had ended, Hart proved to be invaluable during the course of her service. Hart stayed in the military and resigned shortly after the September 11th incident in 2001. An excerpt from an interview about resignation:

"… I never doubted that I would come back for America. When you live forever you begin to understand that there's never going to be peace. There's always a next 'big conflict'. So I'm not leaving; I'm just taking an extended vacation."

You'd have thought that patriotic superheroes would have seen 9/11 as a rallying call. But to our brave heroine, it's a reason to take a vacation. We're supposed to root for this woman.

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If there was one thing Rory Hart hated, it was being awoken at five in the morning on a Sunday by an annoying agent by the name of Smith.

What? Is this the sort of thing that happens to you every other week or something?

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"I can assure you, General Hart, I've got a good reason. Fury's calling in a team; we've got an issue. A big issue." The agent spoke theatrically. Rory sighed and rubbed her temples.

[...]

"I've only been in retirement for ten years and the world's about to end again," She sighed, "How soon do they want me in?"

Smith: Oh well I'm sorry I disturbed you and your MILITARY FUNDED FUCKING BODY.

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Right on schedule, a jet plane with the S.H.E.I.L.D. insignia landed in the open field by Rory's meek little cabin. She quickly boarded the plane to be greeted by an Agent Coulson.

"An Agent Coulson"? What, is he a clone now?

Spoiler:
 

Quote :
"It is truly an honor to meet you, 'Bionica'." The man named Coulson shook her hand vigorously, all the while smiling like a little boy on Christmas. Rory chuckled at the name.

At least the fic knows the name is stupid.

Mind you, the only other Marvel cyborg who springs to mind is [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], so it's not as though I've got a platform to throw insults from.

So, Smith, Coulson and Bionica head off in their jet, and Bionica reminices about how she was "there" when Shield was formed.

Which is dumb.

First off, Movieverse Shield seemed to have only been formed aroundabout the same time as Iron Man 1. Remember Coulson struggling with the group's name?

Although this isn't reflected in the [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], presumably at some point SSR morphed into Shield with help from the Dozen Or So Shady Unnamed People Who Sit In Poorly Lit Rooms And Rule The World.

Either way, Bionica should be official property of the US military. I'm still getting over how they're letting her have a "Vacation". And I know the "Well who would stop her?" answer is out there, but fuck that - The military invented Sonic Tanks specfically to capture the Hulk, you're not telling me Bionica was built without a radio-controlled failsafe!

Well, Bionica isn't alone on the plane with the two agents.

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Coulson finally re-emerged with another man. He was tall, masculine, and had blonde hair. Rory thought the man looked eerily familiar as she gradually took him in.

Go on, guess.

And guess what our Bionica's responce is?

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"Improbable, yes, but not impossible Captain. Though I admit, I didn't ever think I'd see you alive again, either." She rose from her seat with a grin on her face. Steve's eyes lit up longingly.

"Rory?" He asked, barely above a whisper, hoping beyond hope that something familiar would return to his miserable existence.

*Sigh*

Yes. Cap recognises Bionica, and she recognises him and neither bat a freaking eyelid that over the fact that neither of them have aged a day since the fucking 40's.

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"I am not quite as you once knew me, Steve. There was an incident during the war." This statement caused Steve looked confused. Coulson walked to the pit and began speaking with the pilots. Rory took that as a sign that they would be taking off soon. She motioned for Steve to sit beside her as she began telling her story.

"You ought to remember that I was a "soldier" during the war." She began, finger quoting the word 'soldier'. Steve looked confused at the gesture, but ignored it.

"Right, I remember your endless complaining about not being able to fight on the front lines." Steve chuckled at the memory. She smirked, also reflecting on the simpler times.

Oh, yeah. Reminicing on the 'simpler' times. Good old nostalgia. The good old days... IN THE FUCKING TRENCHES OF WORLD WAR II

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"I was being used for my tactical mind… There was… An unfortunate turn of events, though. One day I was taking a stroll and I must have wandered too far," Rory took a breath. Even after nearly 70 years the memory still frightened her, "They told me I stepped on a rogue land-mine." Steve looked shocked, but said nothing.

I like to think that Steve is holding back from saying something like: "If you're such a freaking tactical genius, how the shit did you manage to just wander off - on an active battlefield - and be so incompletent as to step on a freaking landmine!"

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"When I was found, I was still alive, but barely. I was sent to the nearest hospital where I was put into a drug-induced comatose for months. During this time the brilliant Howard Stark outfitted me a new body made of adamantium. A perfect replica of my former self, without any of my human flaws. My old body was too weak to contain my still perfectly functioning mind, so they put it in here."

Howard Stark (and by extention, Tony, BTW) was, first and foremost, an engineer. He is not a biologist, has no knowledge of cybernetics, and is a scientist in only the loosest sense of the word. Sure he can design bizzare weapons - but building a cybernetic body capable of housing a human brain and being indestinguishable from regular people... NO!

Quote :
Rory tapped her head, which created a resonating ding, "Howard had created a new synthetic fiber that had the look and consistancy of human flesh. He covered my new body with it, stuck some hairs on my head, and here I am." Rory finished lamely.

Too fucking right it's lame! Why arn't there hundreds of you running about the place? Why wouldn't Howard design a body for himself so he could be immortal? Sounds like the thing he'd do! What happened to the reserch in the meantime? How is it that in some battlefield superglue-bandage & preyers medical tent a bucking brain-transplant operation was performed? Who paid for it all? Why was it all ready to go at such short notice? If biometal supersoldiers were feasable, why was the Super-Soldier formula even needed? Why am I wearing a Star Fleet uniform? Why was noting about this character, the MAIN character, thought through in the slightest?

Quote :
Steve sighed, and put his head in his hands.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

So, Cap and our MarySue arrives on the helicarrier where they meet Banner and Widow, and they engage in the age-old fanbrat tradition of repeating scenes from the film with an unneeded, dumbass self-insert stealing lines off of people.

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"It was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice." Agent Romanoff said to Steve as the trio began walking, "We thought Coulson was going to swoon. Did he ask you to sign his trading cards?"

"Trading cards?" Steve asked with a smirk.

"They're vintage. He's very proud." Rory chuckled, and shook her head.

HOW WOULD SHE KNOW THIS? She met Coulson barely 20 mins ago and has exchanged no dialogue with him.

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"And he about died when he found out you'd be working with us, Miss Hart. Apparently his niece is a huge fan."

Of course.

Banner and Cap have discussions.

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"Word is you can find the cube." Steve said politely. Banner looked around nervously again.

He sheepishly asked, "Is that the only word of me?"

"The only word I care about." Steve smiled at him. Dr. Banner nodded, relieved. At least someone wasn't there to judge him. For the first time Bruce turned to Rory, and he broke a genuine smile.

Actually releif is not what Banner is feeling right there. His "condition" is not something he wants kept secret, bearing in mind that he's on a fuckign aircraft carrier. He wants people to know about him, so they know when to run.

He meets Bionica

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"Nice to see you, Miss Lorelei. They didn't tell me you'd be here." He greeted, shaking her hand.

"It is magnificent to see you too, Bruce. And please, stop calling me Lorelei. It's Rory."

Magnificent!!


Dear Authour. Why did you decide to give your main character so many fucking names?

We've got:
Lorelei, Rory, Bionica, Heart, Miss, General... I can guarentee you that the readers are getting just as freaking confused over this woman as the characters are!

Quote :
She said pleaded with a grin. Both Steve and Natasha looked confused at the exchange before them.

"You know him?" Natasha inquired. Rory smirked at the memory of her first encounter with Dr. Banner.

Of course she fucking does. And I bet she's hardcore enough to take a beating from the Hulk.

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"It was a couple of weeks after the good doctor's 'incident'. Fury called me in to help with some… containment issues." Rory's eyes twinkled with mischief, while Dr. Banner rubbed the back of his head, sheepishly chuckling.

"Yeah, it's useful to be indestructible around the other guy."

Yup...

Quote :
At that moment a loud whirring sound resonated throughout the carrier. Natasha smirked knowingly.

"Gentlemen, you might want to step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breathe." The three looked around, slightly confused.

"Is this a submarine?" Steve asked.

"Really? They want me in a submerged, pressurized, metal container?" Dr. Banner deadpanned, as they walked to the edge of the ship. They soon found out that the ship wasn't sinking; it was flying.

Wow... Way to turn one of the most visually impressive moments in the film - fucking trailer-fodder - into a single sentance. Idiot.

The lot of them head inside and Bionica meets Fury.

Quote :
Fury approached Rory and she stood from her seat.

"Director Fury." She greeted, shaking his hand.

"Bionica." He returned stoically. Rory snorted.

'Am I the only one who can't say that with a straight face?'

No, Bionica, you're not. It takes great effort for anyone to say that name with a striaght face. But, what the fuck, right? It's only the name YOU CHOOSE TO USE!

Quote :
"So what exactly is the situation at hand, Director? No offense, but finding a cube of gamma radiation is really something that ought to be left to the geniuses."

"It's not finding it I need you for. It's the retrieval that could get messy." Rory nodded.

"… How messy?" She further inquired.

Fury looked her square in the face. "Inter-galactic messy."

Interdimentional, fanbrat. Pay attention to the material you're supposed to be a fan of.

Big quote coming up here. Highlighted for general half-assed writing failure.

Quote :
S.H.E.I.L.D. had been running a face recognition program through their computers for nearly an hour by this point; while all Rory and Steve could do was sit back and watch. Coulson had finally asked Steve to sign his vintage Captain America cards.

"I mean… If it's not too much trouble." Steve stood awkwardly while Rory was snickering to herself.

"No, no. It's fine." Steve nodded, and then shot a glare at Rory.

"It's a vintage set. Took me a couple of years to collect them all." Coulson said proudly. Rory snorted once more, which caused Coulson to look at her. She covered it up by coughing. He was about to say something when the computer monitor cut him off by beeping.

"We've got a match." One of the agents said, "Stuttgart, Germany… He's not exactly hiding, sir." Director Fury turned to Steve and Rory.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

God. Just... How many problems are there in that segment?

Fuck it. Let's go through it...

Quote :
S.H.E.I.L.D. had been running a face recognition program through their computers for nearly an hour by this point; while all Rory and Steve could do was sit back and watch.

My first reading on this seemed to imply that the face recognition was beeing done on Rory and Steve. But no. This is a global camera search to try and trace Loki. Who has not been mentioned once yet.

Quote :
Coulson had finally asked Steve to sign his vintage Captain America cards.

"I mean… If it's not too much trouble." Steve stood awkwardly while Rory was snickering to herself.

"No, no. It's fine." Steve nodded, and then shot a glare at Rory.

"It's a vintage set. Took me a couple of years to collect them all." Coulson said proudly. Rory snorted once more, which caused Coulson to look at her. She covered it up by coughing.

Way to be a total condesending bitch to Coulson, Bionica. You know - unlike YOU Captain America genuinely is an iconic hero in this world. So what if Coulson has a bit of a mancrush on the guy - He's Fury's fucking number 2 for a reason, and doesn't deserve open scorn from some metal idiot who has done exactly fuck all for the past 11 years, and whose acheivements in the preceeding 70 years we know nothing about. Even Tony Stark cuts Coulson some slack on this point.

Quote :
He was about to say something when the computer monitor cut him off by beeping.

"We've got a match." One of the agents said, "Stuttgart, Germany… He's not exactly hiding, sir." Director Fury turned to Steve and Rory.

Who have you found? Who were you looking for? We know you're after the Tesseract, but you've sent Banner to his lab to look for that? What the shit is this all about?

Of course, if you've seen the film, you know they're looking for Loki, but this fic has done nothing NOTHING to establish this. Loki hasn't been mentioned at all!

Good christ. This fic is a mess.



Well. that wraps up part one.

Tune in again soon for part 2 when Fury unleashed Bionica on an unsuspecting world. Here's a teaser:

Quote :
"Bionica. You're up." Steve inhaled nervously, and nodded at Fury, before going to suit up. Rory looked down at her clothing. Her high-waisted jeans and neon yellow, off-the-shoulder, crop top made her look like a fashion icon of the 80's. Rory shrugged. It was better than her 60's garb…

See you soon.

e: I miss having MS Word on my laptop to help me with the worst of my grammar/spelling.
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PostSubject: Re: The Adventures of BIONICA!!   Fri Jun 22, 2012 4:01 pm

Oh those rogue landmines. Constantly running about, playing pranks on the other landmines, stealing, breaking the windows and generally annoying the other honest, hard-working weaponry. Little explosive scamps.
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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: The Adventures of BIONICA!!   Fri Jun 22, 2012 4:25 pm

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"They're vintage. He's very proud." Rory chuckled, and shook her head.
I hate it when Sues steal the best lines.
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Trioculus
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PostSubject: Re: The Adventures of BIONICA!!   Fri Jun 22, 2012 5:00 pm

Ah...Avengers movie Sues. Once again, fanbrats live down to expectations.

Quote :
In June 1946 [She] stepped on a rogue land mine.

This is actually even funnier if you know World War 2 ended in September 1945. The "tactical genius" got blown to smithereens by a leftover. It's plausible (there are land mines from old wars still killing people to this day) but it unwittingly undercuts her whole "I am super speshul super soljur" cred just a little.
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PostSubject: Re: The Adventures of BIONICA!!   Sun Jun 24, 2012 10:40 pm

In the summary of this story:

Quote :
Future Loki/OC

Why do these fanbrats think Loki is going to fall in love with any of their Mary Sues?

I didn't waste my time to find out if it's Bio- Miss Har- Lore- Rory, what ever the hell her name is or some other Mary Sue that is going to fall helplessly in love with Loki.

Most of the Loki/OC stories make me think that the author was so focused on staring at Loki's pretty face they missed the whole story.
And the rest all think that their sue is such a super special snowflake that she will be able to help Loki solve all of his problems and make him feel loved and then they'll get married and live happily ever after.

Good snark, though. I enjoyed it.
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PostSubject: Re: The Adventures of BIONICA!!   Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:23 pm

The whole robo-human thing might be interesting if the Suethor considered things like sensory limitations. Like maybe Howard Stark gave her enough of a rudimentary sense of touch that she can distinguish between hot and cold but little else or what if she can't eat or taste anything? It'd suck spending the rest of your life without being able to enjoy a good steak or a piece of chocolate. Not to mention does Robo-Sue age? Yeah, that would suck, outliving everyone you care about but since she's setting up a Loki romance, the Suethor probably doesn't care about what it'd be like to watch mortal friends die. Also, since Suethor clearly hasn't thought out what it would be like to be a robot-human, clearly she probably won't consider sensory limitations. I try to remain insanely optimistic in spite of what life has taught me but really, I'm not going to bet the farm here.
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PostSubject: Re: The Adventures of BIONICA!!   Thu Jun 28, 2012 11:48 pm

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"When I was found, I was still alive, but barely. I was sent to the nearest hospital where I was put into a drug-induced comatose for months. During this time the brilliant Howard Stark outfitted me a new body made of adamantium. A perfect replica of my former self, without any of my human flaws. My old body was too weak to contain my still perfectly functioning mind, so they put it in here."

So that whole speech from Iron Man 2 in which he lamented being held back by the technology of his time was just him trolling Tony from beyond the grave?


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PostSubject: Re: The Adventures of BIONICA!!   Fri Jun 29, 2012 11:03 am

IDK, I think Tony's dad trolling him from beyond the grave would probably be the most believable thing in this story.

Were the hell did he get that much adamantium is what I want to know. Also: that would be super toxic to her brain, yeah?
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PostSubject: Re: The Adventures of BIONICA!!   Tue Jul 31, 2012 1:54 am

Ya-u wrote:
In the summary of this story:

Quote :
Future Loki/OC

Why do these fanbrats think Loki is going to fall in love with any of their Mary Sues?

I didn't waste my time to find out if it's Bio- Miss Har- Lore- Rory, what ever the hell her name is or some other Mary Sue that is going to fall helplessly in love with Loki.

Most of the Loki/OC stories make me think that the author was so focused on staring at Loki's pretty face they missed the whole story.
And the rest all think that their sue is such a super special snowflake that she will be able to help Loki solve all of his problems and make him feel loved and then they'll get married and live happily ever after.

Good snark, though. I enjoyed it.

Well, it's not so much Loki as Tom Hiddleston, as usual. Put a cute guy on screen, be he never so good an actor and all other matters fade before the hotness. Plus some fangirls are just attracted to the bad guy, even if he's hideous. Just be thankful that it's Loki/OC and not Loki/Tom Hiddleston, like the fanfics I've been wading through this week.

Poor bastard is rapidly gaining on Ewan McGregor, Orlando Bloom and even Jonny Depp in being fiction-raped all over the net.

Still, great find WD, and great snark.

Quote :
"It's not finding it I need you for. It's the retrieval that could get messy." Rory nodded.

"… How messy?" She further inquired.

Fury looked her square in the face. "Inter-galactic messy."

Nothing as spine chilling as the phrase 'inter-galactic messy', is there?

Can't wait until you rip apart just how pointless Loki is in this thing. Supervillain my ass. I think Hiddleston would have put up more of a fight.
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PostSubject: Re: The Adventures of BIONICA!!   Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:34 pm

Am I the only one who noticed that the author misspelled S.H.I.E.L.D.?

Also, excellent snark, WD40. I really hope you continue with this.
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