Confessions of a Fangirl: An Author Self-Sporks

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

LOL Snape+catwomen is way too cool for this fic, sadly.

FF.Net makes it pretty clear that so far, I've only reviewed HALF the freaking fic [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]. There are 20 chapters. ~45k words.

I see the rest of the way will be an uphill battle.

On the bright side, getting up to Chapter 15 allowed me to post the second half of my dialogue comparison between this fic and more recent works. I grieve to say it, but the dialogue in this fic is actually getting worse.

Chapter Fifteen: Tuesday
Ah, here is where I douche out and replace paragraph breaks with line breaks. Making it more difficult to read must've been a subconscious cry for help.

Mr. Weasley talks to Folken about his stupid device from the last chapter, and Folken demonstrates his Stealth Cloak.

Quote :: Eriya entered the Great Hall to look for Folken. She were looked upon oddly by the surrounding people, most of whom were polite enough to leave her be. However, as she passed the Slytherin table, the Malfoy men laughed unpleasantly. "We have a freak amongst our midst?" commented Lucius Malfoy softly.
"She appeared with some other beast the other day; attacked a teacher," exaggerated Draco Malfoy. Eriya had a very low tolerance of people who were prejudiced, especially when they thought she'd attacked Lord Folken! Hissing, she reached out and clawed the two of them, and prepared to threaten them

Yes. Attacking people who accuse her of attacking someone is sure to set the record straight.

Quote :: "These people," hissed Eriya, "they said I attacked you, called me a beast and a freak, Lord Folken."
Folken looked infuriated at this, and the Malfoys shrunk from his imposing form. "What was your meaning?" he asked them in a steely voice.
"Nothing," blurted out Draco boldly, "just sharing with my father some background information about what's been happening at our school. Nothing wrong with that, is there?"
"There can be. But as I've asked- and don't want to have to ask again- what was your intention?"
"He was telling me of what went on, we've told you," argued Malfoy, senior. "I have merely never seen such an... unusual being in Hogwarts before."
"Pity," said Folken. "Enlightenment could've done wonders for a narrow-minded man, or should I say beast?" Turning to Draco, he dictated, "Thirty points off Slytherin, and a detention; maybe you still have hope. However, I am not planning to tolerate any prejudice against anyone other than yourselves any time soon."

*fingers crossed* pleasegethimfiredLuciuspleasegethimfired

Quote :: Folken got Winky to go and clean herself up. When she emerged bout three minutes later, Folken prepared to keep her busy with cheerful tasks. Picking flowers for the Great Hall was one of these things, and Winky set to work right away.

What a Stu! No one else ever managed that one.

For some reason, Defence is teaching Memory Charms. I guess it's Defence of the Dark Arts after all.

Quote :: "Could I have a volunteer to break an object for me?" Neville Longbottom volunteered, and smashed an empty ink bottle with vengeance (he'd dropped one in Potions the other day, and therefore felt very liberated to be asked to do the same now). [...] Folken bent down to where the remnants of the ink bottle was. He blew lightly on his hand, then drew his hand over the pieces of the ink bottle, which formed together instantly.
Turning to Hermione, Harry muttered, "Obliviate!" Hermione's eyes slid out of focus, and she looked around dreamily.
"Why is there an ink bottle on the floor?" she asked absent mindedly (Neville picked up his ink bottle at this point).
"There," said Folken. "Now pair up, and tell your partner something simple. Then, just lightly edit their memory with the spell."

Worst testing of Memory Charm ever. What difference does an ink bottle make? WTF is Folken doing with his hand? Am worried he is becoming our new Stu.

I really did hope that using adults instead of students would make the fic less stupid, but instead it just makes it more boring.

Quote :: She supposed it would be fitting, as a princess, to at least try and figure out everything she could of this strange land. That was actually her intention of coming to begin with, after all. This world's timings were different, and their methods of doing several motions were unique.

I'm just going to come out and say it, since I can't be the only one thinking it: is she talking about sex?

Quote :: "I want to find out everything I can about this place, and you're the only one I can ask," Eries begrudgingly admitted. Folken went to his office, and came out with several large books.
"Read," he directed her, and seeing her dubious expression, added, "Don't worry, you will be able to read it."

'Well, damn, that didn't lead to the orgy I was hoping for.'
Again someone wants to know EVERYTHING! Good thing Folken has The Books of Google. I want those books. I guess this answers the question of the Gaeans being literate. Still pretty sure Duncelena's not.

Quote :: When she reached the class, quite out of breath- for Allen hadn't noticed her predicament, otherwise he'd have been gallant and carried the books- the professor there [Snape] suddenly brightened up and acted very civil, and reached out to carry her books for her with a large smile. His arms sagged slightly under the weight.

Why would Allen pay attention to her? There are teenage girls around! why wouldn't Snape just bespell the books into lightness? And don't tell me he'd have trouble carrying them, cauldrons are heavy.

Quote :: He flashed her another smile after turning around to scowl at Harry Potter.

I'd believe he was flashing her before I'd believe he was flashing her a smile.

Quote :: "What do you think he's doing?" Ron whispered to Harry, who flashed a sudden grin.
"I think the man's in love," remarked Harry, somewhat maliciously. Ron looked as if his family had just won the lottery.
"No way!" he breathed. "Do you know how much easier this will make it on us in class? Can you believe how much better the Gryffindors will have it, not to mention Neville? I mean- wow! It'll be like Snape's become a twinkle fairy compared to his usual self! It'll be a new life for us all!"

While I bet the getting laid would help, Ron's making an ass out of you and me here. Damn you, Ron! I didn't sign up to be Bottom, if you know what I mean!
LOL that Neville is mentioned as a totally separate entity from the Gryffindors.

Quote :: he started swearing [...] he was running out of words. At least in English, anyway. Therefore, Guimel thought the only fitting thing to do would be to find out whether he could speak in Gaean or not. [...] Guimel realized, with delight, that he could actually speak Gaean. [...] "We can speak Gaean here," he told Selena.

1) they only have 1 language on Gaea?
2) is it just me, or is the word 'Gaean' making even less sense than it did before?
3) THEY INSTANTLY SWITCHED TO A STRANGE LANGUAGE AND NEVER BOTHERED WITH THEIR MOTHER TONGUE SINCE THEY DID EVEN THOUGH THEY ONLY HANG OUT WITH EACH OTHER? *sticks head in oven for an hour*

Quote :: Suddenly, as Eries picked up her theology book, something shimmered in the air next to her, and Folken appeared beside her. Luckily, it was not in the princess' nature to scream.
"Hello, princess," Folken greeted her with amusement at her reaction.
"You have a Stealth Cloak!" exclaimed Eries. "Where did you get it?"
"If you'll recall correctly, I was the one to invent them; why would I not have one on my being?" pointed out Folken.

Folken is a right bastard! If I took him & Eries out of this and turned their interaction into a romance, it would catch on like wildfire. Its origin in badfic makes it all the more potent.

Blah blah they talk and their next conversation, which should really be set at the end of a slumber party just before everyone falls asleep, is a boring heart-to-heart with reminiscing and finding another special talent of Folken's and forgetting about the he-destroyed-my-country thing. It's like they're the new badfic!Kira/Dukat.

Quote :: Professor Snape sidled into the library. He'd been looking for the woman he'd had in his earlier Potions class, because he didn't know her name, [...]He looked extraordinarily different than he had that morning. His hair had been cut and washed by one of the house elves, and he'd dyed one of his black robes green (he was, after all, still a Slytherin teacher). The effect wasn't horrendous, but was in fact a largely significant improvement, although not complete beautification.

Oh great, makeover!Snape. LOL he would make a house-elf cut his hair. I know from experience, being Eurasianly yellow, that neither black nor green is a suitable shade to wear for his complexion. Tsk, tsk. Where are the queer elfs for the straight guy when you need them?

Quote :: "Pardon me," he began softly.

I'm pretty sure the only nice attribute anyone ever attributes to Snape is his voice. He's not going to begin slinkily or silkily or seductively or sexily or- *overdosing on s-lies*
I regret to inform you that ~~Admiral~~ Great Leader Ly has launched a coup. We are currently - oh no! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] - fighting it off, but it seems he just has too much power.

Quote :: Professor Snape, entering the Hall, sat down in the seat next to Folken; he had some investigating to do. "Hello," he greeted Folken effusively, "how are you doing on this fine day?"
"It's windy, raining frequently, and cold, with gray skies," pointed out the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
"The best kind of day," countered Snape, then got control of himself.

Now that their positions are switched, it's pretty clear that Folken is a real bitch. Thanks for the weather report, Weatherman Fanel!

Quote :: "So, you were in the library! Do you enjoy reading?" Folken nodded at this. "And you have a girlfriend then!"
"Who, do you mean Eries?" wondered Folken. "Not at all."
Snape leaned in with a puzzled look on his face. "Really? You seem to know her quite well!"

Watching me try to write Snape try to make conversation is like watching Suelena try to think something through, which is like watching a clothed monkey ride a bicycle... this is all getting rather Mother Goosical.

Quote :: "Don't be ridiculous," scoffed Harry, "why would there be any romantic background? I mean, she suddenly" Ron shrugged

Not sure what happened to the end of that sentence. Guess Great Leader Ly stole the rest of it for rations or something.
For people who would never, ever want to know anything about Snape getting laid, they sure are taking an interest in his love life.

Hermione tells a story in a way she wouldn't if she were drunk and drugged up:

Quote :: "Well -and you'll never believe this- Professor Snape came in several hours after, and he'd had some sort of makeover. Anyway, he comes over to her (Miss Aston, I think she said her name was?) and gives her a Bible which he says she left in Potions."
"So?" Harry repeated.
"Wait," protested Hermione, "I'm getting there, and it's hilarious. So Snape hovers around for several minutes, and he gets completely ignored! It was really funny, seeing him just standing there waiting for thanks or maybe even a love declaration, when Miss Aston and Professor deFanel have NO idea he's there, they're just reading their separate books." Ron imagined this, as did Harry, and they burst out into loud laughter, which didn't cease for a while.

The tense shifting! Real Hermione commits seppuku again over the grammar of it (nice thing about being with the X-Men is that they can always bring you back to life).

Quote :: "And since the Aston woman is about the same age as our Defense Against the Dark Arts, Snape's checking the man out to see if he has any romantic background with her!" Ron finished triumphantly. "And if he saw them together in the library, it works out perfectly!" With this dramatic conclusion, Ron slammed his hand on the table, hard, causing dishes to rattle and getting him many dirty looks from several Gryffindors in the surrounding disaster area. [...] "Maybe he'll try to rape her or something."

I think I was subconsciously writing Ron the Death Eater. Who was on drugs. I suppose real Ron left Opposite World to... again, not sure what redheads do, but he's been replaced by fake Ron at this point. At least even fake Hermione reacts in sufficient disgust.

Quote :: Harry spent the remainder of wondering why his year had been so peaceful. Granted, it was an excellent change- aside from being strung from a tower-

Idk, sounds like Harry's over it to me. It was peaceful because I sucked at plotting and actual conflict was icky.

Quote :: Of course, it would have been a golden opportunity to take advantage of a large, magical castle, and start exploring, in Harry's opinion. As he considered this idea, he thought it better and better in quality, and began to prepare a limited itinerary in his mind. Of course he'd need his Invisibility Cloak & Marauder's Map, and Ron and Hermione would be coming with him, unless they didn't want to. And maybe he could visit Dobby, before his plans became too large-scale, disproportionate, and ridiculous.

Captain Psychic sinks another of Awesome's battleships (take that, Great Leader Ly!). Captain Obvious and General Exposition, however, are holed up having a drinking game over this paragraph.

Quote :: the school was more filled up than usual, so he had limited room to practice his sword fighting skills. [...] "You know where there's a spare tower anywhere?" asked Van.
The brown eyes of the twins glittered. "We sure do!"

At least their eyes weren't sienna or chocolate, even if they did have to glitter. Will blame The Twilight Effect on a Weasley's Wizard Wheeze.
Why does Van need a whole tower for sword-fighting? I guess as an anime character he's contractually obligated to practice on top of one while the sun sets. Or he's going to jump off it.

Quote :: "Would you be able to show me, then?" asked Van with the political politeness, yet forcefulness, which he'd been required to develop.

Really? To me it reads as "well, dumbasses, why aren't you showing me then?"

Quote :: "What do you want the tower for?" Fred asked curiously, pulling Van along. "Are you planning to get up to mischief-making?"
"If so, be prepared," said George solemnly. "It's a risky business, it is. In fact, we ourselves have been developing a pretty stunt for Grad Night."
"Not at all," said Van cheerily, having taken a liking to the quirky twins. "I need to practice my skill."
"Excellent, my man, excellent," praised Fred. "Here we are! And what skill will you be practicing today, my good man?"

Great Leader Ly's forces have doubled, and Said's grave has just been vandalised. Pathetic as it may be, this is the best dialogue the fic could shit out so far.

Quote :: "Say!" exclaimed the twins together, looking at each other as an idea formed in their heads. They stood off to the side until Van had completed what he wanted to accomplish, then George stepped up to Van.
"Have you heard about the Slytherin bugger who's been boasting of his great swordsmanship lately?" asked he of the red hair

Urgh. I must've been trying to be cutesy and quirky this whole time. You were not a Gilmore Girl, Past Me! Not to mention how strange that descriptor was when the Weasley twins were both there.
The next bit is tiresome from trying too hard but more interesting because of Fred and George.

Quote :: "Why, you do catch on fast, don't you?" remarked Fred, and withdrew a Filibuster's Firework. "OK, we'll want to move back now," cautioned he, sticking the firework in the statue's mouth and lighting it. The three fairly ran for their lives, until they heard a loud explosion and angry voices. At this point, they came forward casually.

Well, Fred has a place in a terrorist organisation (such as that of Great Leader Ly's) if he ever wants one. Way to blow up the entranceway to Slytherin territory and hang around to be found out when their richer and more influential parents are there. Methinks Mr. Weasley may not be working for much longer.

Quote :: Draco withdrew a shiny sword from a sheath next to his robes.

Madam Malkin: "So THAT'S what he means when he tells me he needs more room in his robes for his sword. I just assumed he was a chip off the old block and starting early."

Quote :: "OK," yelled Lee Jordan, who the Weasley twins had Summoned there to be the announcer,

That sounds painful. And something Hogwarts: A History would not be too happy about.

Quote :: "Fanel is starting off with the well-known strategy of blocking every single move that his opponent sends his way.

Worst. Announcing. Ever. Can you imagine if UFC worked that way? "Red's blocking Yellow... still blocking... still blocking... I like his strategy."
It occurs to me, though, that this might have been an effort of mine to be... funny? So hard to tell.

Quote :: Van peered down humorously at Draco down on the floor, then held out a gloved hand to help him up. He was instantly pulled down towards the ground. "Fine, if that's the way you want it," he burst out angrily, took his hand back, and kicked the prostate Draco, then punched him on the face, walking backwards away from him. The watching Selena Schezar, however, looked horrified at this, and crouched down besides Draco, checking for any injuries.

This is the girl who tried to kill him!! I take it Suelena's heel face turn is just to make her look more ~*kind*~ and ~*forgiving*~ so when Bambi starts coming up to eat from Miss Butterfly-Crusher's hand, we won't be surprised.

Quote :: "No," he gasped, "you don't understand. It's my father, he overachieves for me.

He also thinks, cuts meat, chooses clothing and haircuts, plans dates, writes essays and picks friends for Draco. If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.

Quote :: His face wrinkled up. "You're helping me," he realized. "Why? And, when the matter comes down to it, how?"
"I've been switched around to train in many fields over the past five or six years," explained Selena.
"But we saw you in that life machine. You were dead, or physically inactive during that period of time," pointed out Draco smugly. "And you haven't answered my question: why are you helping me? "
"Why not? You are, to the best extent of my knowledge, a sentient being, who would not appreciate being defeated in front of many, then bleeding. True?" Draco grudgingly nodded.

Hahahaha Duncelena and logic. She probably doesn't even recognise it's him. Or forgot. He's right to be suspicious, though, in case the thought floats back up through her airhead again that she's supposed to slap him.

Quote :: The largest agony was the people staring at him and laughing at his defeat. The Slytherins in the hallways shunned him, and the teachers were not to be seen anywhere in the corridors, as they were holding conferences with disappointed and distraught parents.

Why aren't we seeing these parent-teacher conferences instead??
Mr Granger: "Is he awake?"
Mrs Granger: "Honey, I don't think he's alive."
Mr Granger: *tries to perform CPR, only to have hand go through* "Oh my God!"
Binns: *starting to pay attention* "Ah yes, I remember the sightings at Hogwarts. It was in 1879 when... *drones*
Mrs Granger: *stifles yawn* "We're taking Hermione to Vienna for the summer, and she's not allowed to read a single book when we're there."
Mr G: *jumps as Binns floats through the wall* "To hell with that, we're going to Vienna the second we get back to London. I need a vacation. I don't know how Hermione deals with this all the time."

Quote :: "We're here," he hissed in a low voice. He had intentionally meant to proclaim this in a joyful voice, but decided against this.

General Inconsistency still can't tell what that meant.

Quote :: "Shut up, you filthy Mudblood," insulted Draco.
"I personally wouldn't be surprised if my blood has turned to mud, considering scientific matters of my own. However, if this happened, don't you believe my skin would have more of a brown tint?"
"Oh! idiot. Mudblood is anyone with common Muggle parents, fool."
"I'm not common. I am Lady Selena Naria Schezar, a member of one of the older families around. My brother's a Knight, and we have a large house with servants and property. I can fight, heal, and know politics, economics, human behavior, am well-read and have good managing skills," described Selena honestly. "And this I can tell you with perfect certainty, although I am not trying to boast."
"So? You're a girl, anyways," noted Draco sulkily.
Selena laughed, loud and long, at this remark. "Am I?"

Dingdingding! Draco wins the next Potter award. Let's hope he uses the prize money to take those swastikas and penis drawings off Said's grave.
Not content to have her life leaked to the whole school, Suelena practices her new way of introducing herself with Draco. With LIES.
I've had the folk song "We'll Rant and We'll Roar" in my head lately to help keep me ranting and roaring about this awful fic; the narrator in that says "I can dance, I can sing, I can reef the main boom" and that's enough for him to sound way more educated and qualified than Duncelena. I bet neither one can read, and I would bet Suelena couldn't handle a jigger, but she's a Sue. She's probably every inch a whaler, born upon the bright blue sea.

Now for a cascade of Potter Awards and a stunning inability to process sarcasm:

Quote :: "You're not in your common room," she observed when he came near.
"Which could explain why I am standing in front of you at this very opportune moment," finished he sarcastically.
"Aren't you brilliant."
"Do you really want me to answer that? Yes, I am brilliant, considering I'm the second highest in our form," argued Draco.
"You sound like you enjoy arguing greatly, and jump at all chances to argue," Selena noticed.
"It's good fun to argue with Potter, at any rate."
"You'd be talking about Harry Potter?" Draco nodded. "You two would make good friends, don't you believe?" To this Draco did not respond, but turned away from the speaker in question. "I happen to be leaving now,"

OMG, it's like hearing "Who's on First" as reenacted by a pair of squabbling siblings.

Next comes the most shameful and absolute worst plot point yet, and I know how much that's saying:

Quote :: "Salutations, Gatti. What're you looking at?" he asked the other.
Gatti jumped. "Nothing," he muttered, sweeping the papers off his bed and underneath it, "just looking at some old records I found here."
"Gatti, my friend, old records you found from the castle aren't so personal that you're hiding them," reasoned Shesta. "Here, let me have a peep at them. You looking at your family?"
"More or less," revealed Gatti, and Shesta reached down with surprising agility and snatched up the papers. "HEY!" [...] "He's taking my things," panted Gatti.
"Excellent, let us all see," commanded Dilandau imperiously. "Oh, except for Van."
"Shut up, Dilandau," ordered Van, and cuffed him on the head. This started another fight

Punch & Judy had a better script than this.

Quote :: "Gatti, my man, why didn't you ever tell us you're a widower with a daughter?" This news was startling enough to warrant a break in the fight between Van and Dilandau.
"You were married?" Dilandau asked his DragonSlayer sharply, through a bleeding mouth. "You had a child?" [...]
"You got married at thirteen," stated Ginny incredulously.
"It's a family custom. My family has many customs, including that one. Another one is to have a child in the first year of your marriage, or as soon as possible, [...], my baby girl should be three years old by this time- she's very smart, though- and Meia will be thinking I'm dead, that she's an orphan. I don't even know if she'd recognize me when I go back to Gaea this summer."

It's SO BAD I just... fuck. *sticks head in shark tank for a while*

Quote :: "So what are you planning to do, walk up to the front gate of your house, scare the living lights out of the servants- not to mention the whole household- and just announce, 'Here I am! I've decided to come back! And could you air out my bedroom, since you've never touched it since I died?' "
Shesta could be very practical when he wanted to be.
"That's as far as my plan goes," answered Gatti frankly. "What else would there be to say?"
"My dear fellow, we should bring you your daughter!" roared Guimel merrily. "It's Parent Week, remember? You're a parent, so it won't matter!"

I think the characters spend their lives drunk. That's the only way this exchange makes sense.

Quote :: "You were in the army; not exactly requited to share personal information,"

I think that's a typo. If not, it makes things interesting...

Shesta wrote:: I'm glad not knowing where my grandfather is- he has monophobia where money is concerned.

What does that mean?? He's scared of having just 1 thing, so he diversifies his portfolio? Um, Shesta, with the troubled times of rebuilding in Gaea, you should be glad of that.
Looked it up: the fear of being alone. Got it: he's like Scrooge McDuck except he has a compulsive need to tote his money pool around with him. Possibly his nephews too. Maybe Shesta is annoyed about being carried around like a flour sack when he was a toddler.

Quote :: "Would your girlfriend be mad at you if she knew you had a family, Gatti?" he wondered.
"Probably. [...] "I know, I'll give her flowers!

HE'S SIXTEEN. If she wasn't mad at him, she wouldn't be worth being with in the first place.
Side note, his girlfriend is one of the reader inserts, although I'm not sure she liked this twist. I can hardly blame her, except for the 'encouraging me' part.

Quote :: Guimel spoke seriously and perceptively. "[...] let's look at Selena. She disappeared, and that was for ten years, and she's fine now.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA Major Understatement is pretty sure she hasn't healed from that lobotomy they gave her yet. Even Great Leader Ly can't gain power from those adverbs; he says they're faulty.

Quote :: "Selena's gone through horrible changes, and her mother died after she disappeared," Ginny reminded him.
"Is the world working against me, or just all of you!" was Guimel's withering response, which wasn't answered.

Thank you, Ginny! Also for calling Dilandau a "horrible change"

Quote :: Alexia hadn't been strong enough to feed the baby, and Gatti's relatives hadn't helped. His clan had a strong sense of self-sufficiency, which in other words meant they didn't throw a bone to Gatti for help.
Alexia had been living in a small inherited house, with inherited servants and Gatti had gone out into the village to find a wet nurse. He paid for it with the money accumulated from their parents' wedding gifts

How many bones does Gatti want? He got a whole damn skeleton!
More evidence of the subconscious knowing how awful this fic is: Alexia is the condition of damage to the brain making someone lose the ability to read (Major Brain Damage finds illiteracy sexy!). I suspect we will all be suffering from it by the end of this fic.

Quote :: They had still done many things together, although Gatti doubted that the three-year-old Meia remembered them.
They had used the nearby brook to go wading on hot days.
They had gone on picnics.
They had picked berries in the nearby forest until their hands were smeared red or purple.

He sounds like the child in these reminiscences, not the parent.

OMG the narm of the ending:

Quote :: he heard wails from the inside. Gatti had a sense of curiosity, and it came out then in the form of haste.
But as Gatti stepped inside the warm room and peered around to determine where the crying had come from, a squeal came instead, and the people in the room saw a young girl stand up and scream, "DADDY!" These same people saw this little girl run over to the young man who had just entered the room.
And they saw him laugh and scoop the little girl up in his strong arms.

These people... I hear them sing, singing the songs of angry men. I'd be angry too. In fact, I am.
Again arms must be strong. Idk why it's not a tautology at this point, like tuna fish or blood red.

Quote :: A/N: I saw a note on the site, Those Who Hunt Dragons, that Gatti was said to be married. I then decided t use this fact to add a twist to the story.

Oh, it's twisted all right. Congratulations.

Quote :: If you review, could you tell me:
Are Fred/Naria, George/Eriya, Dilandau/Selena, Folken/Eries, Eries/Snape (insert evil laugh) good couples?
What was tolerable enough about this fic that kept you reading through 15 chapters?
What should happen next [if at all]?
Which characters do you want to see more of?

Frig, the pairing up of twins to twins? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] How twee can you get?
OK, fine, I'll answer these questions.
1) No. Will say Eries/Snape just to be contrary.
2) Nothing. Only a seemingly bottomless well of self-blame, the need to occupy the Forces of Suck, and the urge to provide the public service of flaming a fic that so desperately needs it keeps me going now.
3) LMAO @"if at all" and its [kooky formatting]. So I did know how pointless things were. Then why did I continue??
4) None. Nope, can't think of a single one. The real ones maybe.

Ooooh! I came up with some Boggart ideas too~

Van's Boggart should be... A CHICKEN PLUCKING DEVICE.

Folken's should be... GOTH FANGIRLS.

Dilandau's should be... A PIMPLE.

Selena's should be... A CLOCK.

Naria and Eriya's should be... A TRIP TO THE VET.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Being slightly buzzed and in a good mood from a combination of wine, Powerade, strawberries and clove cigarettes (all in the same glass. Except the cig, but don't think I didn't consider it), it seems like the perfect time to face up to another dreadful chapter. The bud I was getting drunk with was the one who flamed it all those years ago; when I brought it up, she said, "It was just so awful! Was it that way on purpose, or just that bad?"

It's a boon to have such truthful friends. Ones with good taste, at that. Unfortunately I did not meet them until I was already ashamed of this fic. Not sure if the two were related.

LMAO@ the Boggarts!! And if Snape's was Folken, then when he and the catwomen accidentally uncover a Boggart then it would somehow turn into a sextet, if you know what I mean. I'm assuming 1 vet per cat, solely so I can use the word "sextet". I bet Draco's in this fic is a large floating hand.

Chapter Sixteen (part 1): Of Speech, Quarrels and Smiles
Holy crap, this chapter is the longest of them all, at 10,000 words [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.].

When I finish, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the girl who made it drunken through;
When I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna see, I'm gonna see that it's my fault for writing you.
When I'm whining (and I'm whining!), well I know the work I do it is invaluable for letting out the truth,
When I bloooow, well I know it's gonna be, it's gonna be because this fic is a mind screw.
'Cause I did write 10,000 words, and now I see 10,000 more,
Hard to be the girl who must read enough to give us a long proper spoooork.

*ahem* Which is to say that it's way too freaking long for any of us to suffer through in one dose, so I'll just cover half for now. I seem to recall this chapter being my darling, my *shudder* masterpiece at the time. Probably just because of its length. If I was a Hogwarts student, I'd just spell a quill to insert this fic into my History of Magic essay just to meet length requirements. Binns is the only one this fic can't give headaches to.

Quote :: It was early the next morning, sunny and bright, which saw a small girl with straight bronze-tinted light brown hair clinging onto the robes of Gatti.

The Auditor General delivers another scathing report, "Which or That?" based on this sentence. Good thing her office is so focused on grammar, otherwise she'd never get past my awful opening sentences.

Y'all, I'm worried that the daughter in question is actually that hell-spawned spine-breaking werewolf-stealing humanpire whose name we dare not speak. That's right. Stephenie Meyers stole that freaky plot device Renesmee from my fic.

Quote :: The girl was looking up at him with large turquoise eyes

I don't keep track of Twilight eye colours (I'd say 'Who does?' but I'm worried I'd receive an answer) , but based on the MSness of it, I'm going to say this clinches it. SM, I demand restitution! If you are to further frequent the Forces of Suck, I insist on my cut.

Quote :: Several of the parents were looking amiss at the two, finding Gatti too young to have a daughter. Especially if he was in school!

Why can't he drop out like any other teenage parent?

Damn, and now we have to listen to freaking child-speech. Everyone knows children aren't actually intelligible until, like, 7, so this seems like wasted sap on my part. Wasting sap was probs my way of acting out because I was the only Canadian student ever who never got to visit the maple farms. Orchards. Whatever. See? So left out!

Quote :: "Daddy," announced Meia proudly to him, "my birthday was two days ago! I'm three whole years old now!"
Gatti laughed. "Are you? Good! We'll have to buy you something at the village to celebrate, then. That is, if you want to come..." Meia, excited at the aspect of a present, heartily agreed.

A 3-year old excited at the aspect of a present? Hmph. Amateur. If that was my kid, I'd make sure she was all about the facets.

Quote :: The breakfast was gobbled down relatively fast because of this new, innovating promise

It took him 3 years to come up with the idea of bribing her? Suelena rubbed off on him so hard I'm worried he has another kid on the way.

Oh crap. Hit me Captain one more time. Captain Psychic reminds me he's about to find out that yes, he does.

Quote :: Meia began to poke around in Gatti's bag while Gatti recovered his breath, and the students began to trail in dismally with their parents a short while later.

I bet it's because Snape has tied their final grade to how perfectly their parents can brew an army-strength Sleeping Draught... to be tested on them, of course. Oh evil Snape, why did I ever stray from you?

Quote :: A small explosion came from the end of his wand, which Meia had been poking jubilantly, and she started to cry loudly. "No, no," said Gatti in distress, "don't cry, honey, please? Don't worry, nothing happened, and I know it was a loud noise."
"You aren't mad? You aren't going to kill me?" sobbed the poor girl.
"No!" exclaimed Gatti vehemently. "Where did you get that idea?" he asked his daughter softly, trying to calm her down.
"Grandmother and Grandfather, I heard them talking, and they said that you had a bad temper (what's that, Daddy?) and you'd kill anyone who got in your way, and you already have, they said."

That seems like a strange way to congratulate themselves over their son's military successes. Maybe Dilandau came by and slapped them. What toddler calls their grandparents by 3-syllable words?

Quote :: "Sh," Gatti coaxed Meia, "and no, I'm not mad, honey. I'm not going to kill you! A temper is how someone can handle bad things happening, that's all. Your grandparents just sometimes don't understand very much, that's all."

Private Explanation must've been overtaken by Major Brain Damage before this or something, that's all.

Quote :: Professor Snape came over, in a very bad mood. "What's all this noise?" he asked thunderously.
"Nothing, sir," replied Gatti wearily, having had to answer this same thing many times. "It's just Meia, she accidentally set off my wand in sparks."

SOOOOO glad it never occurred to me to do an awful next-gen fic! I'm sure this girl would've been our new Sue. Head Girl, too. And Dilandau and Suelena's kid would never suffer from being fatally inbred. Or be named Dolly, more's the pity.

Quote :: After several minutes of staring, Snape's phase of confusion ended, and his agape mouth closed with a snap. "That will be enough, you," he snapped, and walked on past. Meanwhile, Dalet, who was very alarmed by small children, had been desperately trying to calm Meia down and keep her quiet. To his great relief, he succeeded, and gave a large, gusty sigh.

Dammit I wanted Snape to bespell her mouth shut or something. Now mercy is lost to us.

Quote :: Folken found Gatti and Meia a slight comparison to the relation he and his brother had once had, a long time ago. They got along quite well at the moment, when all was admitted, but if their lives had not changed as drastically, they would have had a better relationship.

General Exposition commemorates Major Writing Flaws, even if he did destroy everything good, ever; it's hard out there for a pimp.

Quote :: "The Ministry has given us the excellent opportunity of broadening our horizons to learn other subjects: Mathematics, English, and Social Studies." Eries, who'd gone to the breaking point from living her monotonous life, had gone out for the post of an English teacher.
"What are your qualifications?" Dumbledore had asked, and Eries had had to think hard on this point.
"I can read, and write-" at least she's hoped she could- "and I can look at many different viewpoints on subjects, and I've read many different books- very different books."
It had not been the qualifications or descriptions but the quiet desperation and determination that had made Dumbledore hire Eries Aston for the new teaching post.

1) No wonder my early job interviews never went well.
2) There's something to be said about the audacity of applying to teach a language you never actually learnt.
3) I always wondered why Hogwarts never taught, y'know, actual knowledge. Are there some sort of potions for it or something? It's kind of laughable to think of an entire society with just an elementary school education, for the most part.

Quote :: "Folken!" called out Van, barging into his brother's office.
"What is it, Van?" asked Folken, ignoring the leering face of Draco Malfoy in the office, who was serving his detention.

Despite all the mean things I've said about Folken, there is one good thing about him: he isn't a fangirl. You'd think that would be a given since his Boggart is Goffic!1! fangirls (see above post ), but he could just have been in a war against them. I hear emos vs goths is big among the young'uns these days.

Quote :: "How much?" asked Folken, who was always generous when it came to his brother. He was counting on getting money from the Ministry for his Invitaspiritus, besides.
"Twenty Galleons?" Van estimated sheepishly, feeling very greedy to ask his brother for money.
Folken counted out the money from a small pouch, and wondered, "What happened to all the money that Selena pooled for all of you?"
"I traveled down to the village several days ago, and bought drinks," supplied Van.

I seem to recall Hermione's parents giving her 10 Galleons to cover a year of school supplies. Van's humble farm country will be auctioned off to pay for getting his wingtips done in no time.

Quote :: "I just got the teaching job here-"
"You did?" interrupted Folken, finding this unbelievable. "What about Asturia?"
"Millerna will have to take care of it; I'm not permitted to anyway! But I need your help with the new teaching post- 'English'?"

My gosh, ~~Jean Chrétien~~too Canuck again George Bush could teach better English than her.

Quote :: "Haven't I done enough for you?" pointed out Folken, but then offered, "I'll take you to the bookstore once the trip starts, and you can get some books, then just teach from that. Unless you'd rather not go to the village?"

Gosh! I joined Habitat for Humanity, replanted forests, increased the population [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] and set up a soft-rock fundraising concert in your country, and it's still not enough! When are you going to get over my wanton world destruction already? That's soooo last year.

Quote :: Draco fled, ready to report this startling new news to his father. 'We've got a new teacher, and she can't even teach!' was what he was planning to say.

Idk, I'm starting to lose faith in the power of the Malfoy firing. Dilandau loves firing, he & Draco should switch for a day.
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] I don't even remember if that's an actual plot point. I can't keep up with reality anymore!

Quote :: "Who's Folken?" asked Parvati curiously. "Isn't that Prof. deFanel's first name?"
"Folken works at the school," Selena explained briefly, ignoring the second question.

What a bitch! So it's fine to fart out secrets, but confirming common knowledge is off-bounds? Opposite World, you give me a headache. Or maybe that's my hangover starting early.

Quote :: "But Eries, you need money, don't you? Here, take this." Selena took out a jingling pouch, and passed it to Eries, who wanted to decline, but was cut off. "No, Eries, books cost money, and I know you do not want to begrudge yourself to Folken." This had to be admitted by Eries, if grudgingly. "And once you're done, look around for us, can you? I want to drag you around and force you

Nope, not going to quote the rest of that line. It's better this way.
General Exposition's soothing massage (apparently I have a lot of tension) inspired me to tell you that Eries wears a fair amount of gold jewellery on the show and doesn't actually need money. Maybe she's just relieved she didn't have to fight Suelena over her backlog of Stupidity Tax.

Quote :: Selena was dragged off firmly by Parvati and Lavender.

PLEASE LET THIS LEAD TO A SHOCKING TALE OF LESBIAN REVENGE UPON THE ONE JEALOUS CUR WHO THREATENED THEIR LOVE.

Quote :: "I'll show you," Folken yelled back, and made good on this promise.

Well, I'm making good on a bed, but you don't see me boasting unnecessarily. Whoops.
*sigh* The curse of Unnecessary Writer to remain Unnecessary sinks my battleship. Good thing the Adverb-IV Submarine stays afloat with all that hot air in it. Ruins the Sub of Submarine, but makes a great liferaft.

Quote :: he steered Eries towards the store, and asked the assistant to get some books on the English language for Eries

"What is this English you speak of? With the power of magic, no one here has said a legible word in years! I'm communicating through my armpits right now!"

Quote :: Harry and Ron, who had been dragged to the bookstore by the excited Hermione, noticed this with amusement.
"You think there's something between them?" Ron asked Harry in a slightly loud whisper.
"Obviously more than there is between Snape and her," Harry pointed out, stifling a snigger.

I think Snape's not the only one with a crush on Eries. These two can't stop looking at her. PLEASE LET THIS LEAD TO A SHOCKING TALE OF SCHOOLBOY RIVALRY OVER A WOMAN WHO REFUSES TO BE TAMED.
What? Bad R movies still rank higher than this for entertainment.

Quote :: "Harry, Ron, come here. They've got a whole section on Quidditch, and I know you'll want to see them," she said[...]. Harry bought Ron about six Chudley Cannons memorabilia for his birthday

Huh. Didn't think you could get six memorabilia, but I guess *about* six is okay. Harry would like to add that he is on about his 23.548th viewing of Eries.
Hermione's line makes it clear this is about the 1st time she's got them into the bookstore. Hardly believed it until I remembered they were panting after the princess.

Quote :: Hermione, meanwhile, was reading Witch Weekly in the corner. There was a very interesting article on Love and Hate Potions, and Hermione wanted to brew a Hate Potion. This was for her own use, as she wanted to make herself stop being obsessed with Dilandau.

If she's so obsessed, why doesn't she make him fall in love with her? I think the holdup would be that he would look in the mirror first, and... sheesh, no wonder he loves Suelena.

Quote :: But as she moved on to the next page, she discovered there was a special on at Gladrags Wizardwear, and figured it would be worthwhile to get some new items of clothing, resist as she might.

'I want to have a scene with lots of girls and no icky boys for once. But how?? Of course! They must GO SHOPPING!'
PS my mum still bought my clothes at this point. Let's see if that shows through.

Quote :: she recognized Selena and Lavender being fitted in the corner. They being the most familiar faces, she approached them, and waved. The two greeted her readily, and Parvati came over and shoved an outfit on Selena.[...]"It's perfect for you; I think it's called a cheongsam?"

Will they steal her clothes and money while she does?? This revenge plot is not working out how I hoped.

Quote :: She did look nice in the camel-colored silk dress, and Parvati and Lavender forced her to buy it. They also made her get self-styling hair chopsticks (to go with their 'theme'), and high sandals, along with normal Muggle clothes.

Gosh, I really was a banana. Twinkie. Banana-flavoured twinkie. LOL that a cheongsam isn't considered "normal Muggle clothes", but I guess when you combine a Chinese outfit with Chinese eating utensils in your hair, you're irregular enough to need Metamucil.
Heinous cultural misappropriation for the sake of outfitting Sue: check! Next comes the sari with naan hat. Cheer up, Parvati, at least your name finally got spelt right.

Quote :: Hermione, having bought a hat

This idea is kind of epic, especially with her hair. I want her to be like the Queen when it comes to headwear now. Maybe her mutant power is to grow things out of her head, like Minerva (no wonder McGonagall was so weird about V&S beating up Draco, real McGonagall was with the X-Men), whenever she wants.

Quote :: "Those cat people, Van Fanel, Professor deFanel, and I brought Harry and Ron there," Hermione answered.

What, not 'our feline fellows in the fight for freedom'?

Quote :: Selena took Eries, Naria and Eriya with her to 'drag them around and force them

FOURSOME WITH TWINS! Ah, that's nothing. You should see what the Bottoms Up Submarine (it is a vessel of Suck, remember, they don't all work) gets up to on a daily basis.

Quote :: Hermione, who, feeling rather alone [...] went to flirt with the new waiter at the Three Broomsticks.

She doesn't know what she's missing out on! Or maybe that's why she's going for the Three Broomsticks. I'm sure Fred & George are around somewhere, if she's trying to compete (and it's Hermione, so she is).

Quote :: At that moment, Meia noticed someone's bright blue ~~pointed hat~~sea. "Daddy," she cried, pulling his sleeve, "can I have a ~~hat~~sea like that too?"
Gatti laughed. "You're going to go back home with a hat like that, I promise you," he vowed lightly, and urgently whispered to Hermione, "Where do I find a hat like that?"

I just transcribed Jack Was Every Inch a Sailor. Only the word 'sea' is allowed to follow 'bright blue' at this point. *readies self to tamper with quotes, abetted by General Good*
But first... it's SHANTY TIME!

Now, t'was ten or twelve or fifteen years since Folken's wings were white,
He came into Opposite World one dark and deadly night,
He was born a prince, it did no good, he lost his country too,
And once he set that one in flames he did the same to you!

Folken was every inch a traitor,
Five-and-twenty years a wailer,
Folken was every inch a traitor,
He was born with natural bright blue ~~streaks~~sea.

There are two other verses but I'll refrain. For now. This is totally my best one yet. But I guess if Folken couldn't handle a dragon, he sure couldn't handle a whale. Am hoping we can fit in DITTY TIME before the fic ends, though.

Quote :: Hermione led him over to them, and explained the situation simply, "Gatti wants to get a bright blue ~~pointed hat~~sea."

"There's one in my bag, but it looks just like the one Queenie wore at Wimbledon, so bitches can get their own."

Quote :: Meia, meanwhile, slipped down from Gatti's arms, and ran around to look at the articles for sale. Gatti ran after her, and Parvati, Hermione and Lavender followed him. Lavender noticed a bright blue ~~witch's hat~~sea as she ran, and snatched it up. Meia had stopped at a shelf with sunglasses at night, and pointing, said, "Can I get this too, Daddy?"

Okay, that last change was just for General Good's love of Awesome. Again the characters run willy-nilly like in Benny Hill, but they're going after a 3-year-old, so, permitted.

Quote :: "Of course, Meia," Gatti promised as Lavender and Parvati gasped

My word! When will these other teenagers stop bein' so fertile? We're going to have to wait years to find a gay person to donate sperm for us! Wait, Dumble- really? Well, no rush then. I'm sure he'll still be alive and kicking by the time we're done school.

Quote :: "She's your daughter?" Parvati asked suspiciously.

Are you sure she's not your son? We've heard things about where you come from.

Quote :: "Can I give something to Damien?" Meia asked her father.
"Who's Damien?" he wondered.
"He's Damien, Daddy! You know, my brother?" At this news, Gatti staggered against the socks aisle.

What, you thought Mama died because of the Antichrist? Or Major Brain Damage? Grownups can be so silly!

Quote :: "What brother?" he gasped- Lavender and Parvati listening to every word.
"The one that came before Mama died!" Meia said, sounding as if it was something that everyone should've known already anyway.
"So that's how Alexia died," muttered Gatti quietly to himself. Then turning to Meia, "Yes, you can give whatever you want to your brother."

Captain Psychic tries to high-five me, but I've decided not to forgive him for when he failed to inform me we were "In an Open Relationship" and not "It's Complicated".

Quote :: "So you have two kids?" Parvati still could not understand this fact.
Gatti nodded. "I suppose so," he admitted wonderingly.
"Oh! You..." Lavender gasped, but could not find any word suitable or derogatory enough to use.

...heterosexual!

Quote :: "Meia," Gatti addressed his daughter after buying her the bright blue ~~witch's hat~~sea and sunglasses at night, "I'm running out of money

How the heck did they squander their fortune? Did they melt it down to give everyone gold flecks in their eyes? Maybe it's all the offscreen lawsuits for public indecency and killing people. The first is a badge of honour, the second a competition.

Quote :: Along his path, he saw Viole with his arm around Ginny, Mrs. Weasley suspiciously following them. He waved. "Ginny! Viole!" he shouted, and the two came over.
"Oh, so is this Meia then?" Ginny asked, bending over the small girl. Mrs. Weasley sidled up to her daughter at this moment, and tapped her on the shoulder. "Oh, hullo, Mum."

LMAO I thought she was chaperoning (another one from the "Spliffingly Fake, Old Cock!" collection... I think that collection gets used more in the next fic). But no, apparently she was creeping after them. I can't even picture Molly tiptoeing. It boggles the mind.

Quote :: Mrs. Weasley deemed herself as the chaperone and followed. Upon arriving, the five settled themselves at a table, Meia on Gatti's lap. They all ordered their orders, and Ginny offered to pick up the tab.
"Ginny?" her mother wondered, surprised. "How will you be able to pay for all this?"
"Oh, all of us pool our money," Ginny explained carelessly to her mother, who gazed at her for a moment before admiring a small tree.

Captain Psychic high-fives himself, since I won't.
Her daughter gets a new man and suddenly the cash starts flowing in? I'd be surprised if the tree Mrs. Weasley is 'admiring' didn't [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.].

Quote :: "So, how do you all know each other?" she asked, pointing at the group (not including Meia, however, as she assumed that the toddler was Gatti's sister).

I'd disbelieve in that level of pointing talent if not for who's doing it. Molly Weasley is my Chuck Norris, my Crouching Housewife Hidden Badass.

Quote :: "Gatti and I went to a training school and served together, and when we came here I met Ginny," indicated Viole.
"Served. How did you serve? Were you in jail?"
"No," replied Gatti. "We enlisted in the army."
Mrs. Weasley was stunned. "Well!" she exclaimed. "That must have been... interesting."
"Oh, it was," put in Gatti eagerly. "We got to see all sorts of different places!"

Yeah, right before you burnt them to the ground.

Quote :: "Yeah, right before we burned them," muttered Viole under his breath, and was kicked under the table by Ginny. She also shot him a Murderous Glance.

*sighs* Fiiiiiiiiiiiine. *high-fives Captain Psychic* But I'm still not talking to you!

Quote :: "Yes, Daddy," yawned Meia, and began to fall asleep in his arms. A short while later, Gatti departed with Meia, and Mrs. Weasley descended upon poor Ginny.
"Your friend is a father?" she hissed angrily. "What sort of people do you hang around with, Ginny? They've been in the army! The things they could've done! What are you doing with your life, girl?"

If only she'd said "gel" instead of girl, then I could check it off the "Spliffingly..." collection! It's not like her speech didn't belong there, anyway.
Wouldn't it have been easier to have the kid call him something else to avoid questions? Guess I always had my soft spot for father-daughter relationships, though I must've been pissed at my dad ~~at the time~~I was an adolescent, there was always something if this was the best representation I could come up with.

Quote :: "Hey!" broke in Viole angrily, then calmed down enough to speak. "With all due respect, my lady, Gatti was only tied down by family custom and responsibility.

Yeah, they set their clocks by his wife's ovulation and drugged them with aphrodisiacs!

Quote :: And the army was not particularly disreputable, for all that might be said. It is much better than living at sea, I tell you from personal experience.

I think you just told your girlfriend and her mother that you were a disreputable sailor with a girl in every port. Can't give you a Potter Award for that, but you're up for a Darwin one.

Quote :: As I observed from the beginning of the year, she was frequently unhappy, tired, pale, and had few friends. Of course, this is only an observation from a poor sailor boy who got into the army, so it would not serve to your high standards, I presume."

... aaand Mrs. Weasley learns that her daughter's sudden riches are not coming from her boyfriend. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: "Ginny," responded her mother stonily, "you have a lot to learn about life. It doesn't matter what class, but still. As I said, people like that..." Mrs. Weasley shook her head. "They're just no good, Ginny. That boy just upbraided me in front of the whole café! Now, what does that tell you about his character!"

Well, that blows the lid off the "Spliffingly..." word category. They can't even use it for Jeopardy now.
Wonder why I keep using European words (plaza, café) for what are clearly unglamorous strip malls and pubs/inns. This was way before that time where I ended up having to say 'Ciao' and do the kiss-kiss (all my friends at the time had names with squiggly accents).

Quote :: "It tells me, mother, that Viole is an eloquent speaker, who is good at summarizing

HA! Hahahahahaha. Major Brain Damage claims another one, I see.

Quote :: "One would think that after six others, one would have more practice at quarreling the seventh time around," she addressed it. "Apparently not; I haven't gotten my point across, and I've come off as the reigning loser."

I think the real Molly Weasley has been spirited away from Opposite World, probably to fill movie roles written for Samuel L. Jackson.

Quote :: Folken went to the Shrieking Shack to meet his brother, who showed up several minutes later. "Hello, brother," Van began, then got straight to the point. "I'll ask you what I was planning to ask. You know how Dryden Fassa and the Asturian princess got married in an engagement. There was never anything like that planned out for me, was there? No engagement?"
Folken shook his head. "No- not for you. But for me, there was, and it still stands."

HMM I WONDER WHO FOLKEN'S FIANCEE COULD BE. I CAN'T EVEN GUESS. MAYBE SUELENA OR HITOMI. I'm sure the real answer will come just as out of nowhere as this little conversation.

Quote :: He didn't continue, nor did Van press him to. Both had what could be called an unspoken agreement about this.

About... huh? His engagement that they never talked about? Continuing? So they both had an agreement; are we sure it wasn't just one of them? My lawyers (you find enough bodies in your murder house, you need 'em) are getting edgy just reading this. Ack, did it again! Back to the cattle prod for me.

Yeah, that's an end of scene, looks like half, I'm throwing in the towel for now. Jeez, the crap I used to manage to spew (don't say "Used to?" On an unrelated note, I'm going to start pretending there's an echo in here, or an escaped serial killer who wants his house back).

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Chapter Sixteen (Part Two): Of Speech, Quarrels, and Smiles
Edited to add this newly-discovered neato trick of spoiler-tagging the snark, so we don't need to diddle our scroll wheels so much. After all, it's not like they reciprocate (unless you know something I don't...).

Spoiler:

Quote :: When the trip ended, it was dark and cold.

My amazing ability to say positively nothing of value in an opening sentence continues. Just like now.

Quote :: The students poured into the school eagerly, chatting and laughing, although with exceptions.

It's a relief to know that not all of Hogwarts has turned into the Borg... yet.

Quote :: "Very sorry, professor," he apologized to Eries, "but the only rooms left are not exactly what one would call... elegant. In fact, they are absolute simplicity. You'll be moving in straight away, in fact. If you don't like your room, however, Severus Snape has offered to relinquish his room instead."
Eries was actually very tempted to take up Snape's offer when she saw her room. It was just so ugly, with a threadbare feeling about it.

Please, like Dumbledore wouldn't smother her room in pimp outfits if he thought it was too plain. We better not end up with some Four's Company with Folken, the cat ladies and Eries in his quarters. *takes high road, avoiding 'pussy' joke, and crosses fingers Eries is allergic to cats*

Quote :: She felt very glum at the prospects of this room, but cheered up when she found she was allowed to refurbish it to her taste.

... why wouldn't she? Maybe she just senses Dumbledore's evil and knows she'll be held hostage there when Suelena won't conceive fast enough (like she could, at this point).

Quote :: Eries had always kept a little, secret desire to be able to 'fix up' a room.

Eries is just one of those people who always says she wants to do something, but despite the fact that nothing is stopping her she does shit all about it. Just like I was apparently. Dammit don't become Sueries on me.

Quote :: After moving her voluptuous trunk from where the parents' temporary quarters to her new residence, she set to work.

Not the kind of trunk people refer to that way, babe.

Quote :: She started by adding flowers, then going down to the house elves' section of the castle to get one of them to help her.

I don't understand why the house elves (who I'm pretty sure sleep in an alternate dimension, just so they don't need to put their owners out by having a 'section') left her room so uggo to begin with. Part of Dumbledore's isolation strategy I assume.

Quote :: Between her and Eries, the new teacher's room was given a straggling attempt to improve. One wall had a tapestry on it, but there was no paint, so the other walls were left a bleak gray color.

She has a drunken house elf with her. The walls would probably change colour every time Winky hiccupped.

Quote :: The ugly, small pallet was covered with what would have been a nice comforter anywhere else, but was not in its environment.

Please. If reading HP fanfic has told me anything, it's that teachers at Hogwarts get large swaggy four-post beds. With mirrors built in.

Quote :: Would abandoning her life as the shunned heir help build her character and save her from jadedness?

HM I WONDER. This is why I hate rhetorical questions in narration. Except for in "The Powerpuff Girls". I agree with their narrator that this scene would be better served with "Would Eries ever stop wangsting and discover ice cream for the Earth joy it is?" (sadly, no)

Quote :: She found it ironic that she'd packed all her clothes for leaving Asturia, for this served to be a useful foresight.

That seems like suspicious forethought. I assume she wanted her trunk overflowing so that Allen, stuck carrying it, would drop it at some point and frilly underthings would spill out. "Oops don't mind me and all my garters and corsets! The life we females must live... did I mention I'm a woman?"

Quote :: Eries was tired of dullness.

We know the feeling, Eries.

Quote :: At that late time of night, Mrs. Weasley was still up, staring into the dark, worrying and planning.

I wanna cast a stare!
Why are you casting a stare? There's nothing to aim it at.
I... I'm casting my stare at the darkness!

Quote :: Molly Weasley approached Folken. "Would I be able to meet with you to talk about how my children are doing?" she asked.

Cunningly, she doesn't warn him how long that meeting will be. Frig, didn't I *already* mention parent-teacher conferences having happened?

Quote :: "Of course you may. My office is next to this classroom, so you may come in at any time after school hours. I'm usually in my office." Mrs. Weasley nodded briefly, and returned to where she had been sitting. Essentially, she disapproved of Folken, or at least his look.

And did such a good job of showing it!

Quote :: Having a long-lasting campaign against long hair, she righteously believed that a teacher should not set such an example of long hair to his students.

WHY DID WE NEVER HEAR HER CONVERSATION WITH SNAPE THEN??
"Oh, Severus, you look peaky lately!"
"Ritualised torture will do that."
"Hmm, hmm, no, I think it's the hair."
"I have hair?"
*brandishes wand* "What about a little trim, hmm? It'll be so much easier to manage. Just a small one. Ever so little."
"Let me put it this way, Weasley. You trim my hair, I trim your brood."
"Now, now, you couldn't lay a finger on them and you know it."
"You see my point then."
"I'm going to Owl you pictures of how much better you'd look with short hair, dear, then you'll see."
"Well, I do need more kindling."

Quote :: Another peeve of Mrs. Weasley's towards Folken was that he had tattoos, three obvious tattoos.

I only remember his teardrop face tattoo, so I'm a little suspicious of what kind of x-ray spells Molly's been picking up from Witch Weekly.

Quote :: She also thought that tattoos were not quite appropriate for school. Professor deFanel was a young teacher, also, and this was another point against his style. The students would be more likely to follow. And Ginny's crowd were disrespectful enough to call him by his first name! This held very strongly with Molly Weasley, mainly because Folken did not seem to mind this in the least.

Not that I don't think Molly thinks in italics, but I'll be surprised if the next passage doesn't involve every other word capitalised and talk about the marvels of the electric light.

Quote :: teachers like Folken set a bad example, with long blue-green hair (or at least a mullet), tattoos, and earrings! Of course, Mrs. Weasley charitably supposed that teaching did go further than that, and Folken was otherwise a well-enough teacher. Even so, one must not set any bad examples. It was how Molly Weasley, née Prewitt, had been brought up, and had attempted to bring her children up, even if they would not and did not listen.

... well, I'm not eating my hat. It's the only one I have left. Captain Psychic wilts.

Quote :: Armed with her usual firm determination, she barged into the Defense Against the Dark Arts office after all students had delightedly trailed off to their Common Rooms, for parties and other what-not.

I must've mistaken the students for Oompa-Loompas. Fooled me again, fake tanning.

Quote :: Mrs. Weasley did not enjoy the sound of 'the others'.

What else was Folken supposed to call them, the *sporfle* 'bad group'? 'Criminal group'? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Gaeanese Club?

The conversation continues (to suck), the cat ladies come in, it's all very skippable (unless you want to snark it yourself, of course).

Quote :: "Do you want anything right now, Lord Folken?" asked Eriya.

Massage with breasts? Tongue bath?

Quote :: "I'm running out of parchment. Would you be able to get me more from the school supplies, please, Eriya?"

Well, that's as sexy as a paper bag.

Molly bumps into Eries in the hall in a totally useless passage that is supposed to hand off POV, which it fumbles worse than a teenage virgin, leading into what was at the time HOMG my best scene evar [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]:

Quote :: "No, thank you, I'm sure you are in more of a hurry than I," [Eries] replied unconsciously, having learnt this speech so often that it now came naturally.

She didn't learn it from her English teacher, that's for- oh right, she NEVER HAD ONE. And is still planning on teaching the language with speech like that.

Quote :: Continuing along her way outside, Van's point was proven by the sight of Allen's long blond hair streaming in the light wind of that day.

*snicker* it would. Cue new ~~Chuck Norris~~Allen's hair joke: Allen's hair doesn't blow in the wind because of air pressure, the wind just likes to blow it. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Fine, that one sucked, I'm out of practice. Not at sucking, though, I'm quite the sucker.

Quote :: "Thank you, Allen." Eries smiled. "Tell Father for me that I've become a teacher at a magical school on the Mystic Moon, could you?" Allen stared blankly at Eries, rendered speechless.
When he managed to speak again, he remarked, "You have a wonderful sense of humor, princess; please tell me that you are bluffing me."

Pfft, she's always been as serious as warning labels on kids' toys, and not the fun Engrish ones either.

Quote :: "Allen, I am a princess," Eries reminded him. "A princess tossed out of her country's lineage. What have I to lose or gain in Asturia? What have I to lose here but my title, and what to gain but my liberty, my happiness?"

Lose: real character, respect for language. Gain: clumsy love triangle, ugly room. Seems like an easy choice to me.

Quote :: "I'm sure there must be something that could convince you to return?" He did not say this decidedly, but asked

I win a Potter Award! The question mark made it pretty clear already, genius.

Quote :: Eries looked at Allen's mutely begging eyes. She wanted to say that she'd go if he offered to marry her- to love her- to live with her.
"No," she answered dully.
"There is nothing to tie me to Asturia anymore, Allen. Not Millerna, not Father... maybe not even you."

Wazzap with the paragraph break? I like to think that Allen went a little whacko from Eries' revelation and started talking about himself in the 3rd person.
Totally ~~stole a line from~~was inspired by The Blue Castle, an awesome novel that never deserved to be mention in the same line as this.

Quote :: "Princess, please." The last words of pleading in the direction of Asturia, the direction of monotony and heartbreak... maybe even the direction of love?

Love is monotony and heartbreak? Sure, I guess that works.

Quote :: "Come, Allen, and I'll help you pick flowers for Selena. Who knows, we may find the lucky four-leafed clover. If we do, I want you to wish me the best luck in my new life, and your everlasting support and friendship- but not love. And I'll wish you prosperity, happiness, a content life, and my friendship- but not love. I think we have had all we can bear of romance anymore, Allen Crusade Schezar the eighth, Knight of Caeli."

"Of course, Princess Infodump, Repeater of Phrases."

Quote :: She hadn't noticed any comradeship between Allen Schezar and her before, however. Neither had she noticed Harry and Ron, playing the indomitable, observant role of Cupid for her, as they were to do in the future.

*snickers* points for Captain Psychic on that one, I think. Can you imagine Harry & Ron floating around the sky with quivers and diapers? "I knew letting Hermione choose our Halloween costumes after I beat her at chess was a bad idea."
"D'you reckon the hover spell will wear off anytime soon?"

Quote :: While Eries and Allen had a conversation that Eries thought changed her life, the other woman that had been in the corridor was also having a conversation.

That transition is so awkward I bet every time it gets up its shoelaces are tied to each other.
Most of the conversation is dumb and bland, then it gets to this bit of spectacularly bad writing:

Quote :: "And about the matter of the army: you know how a Muggle will talk about World War 1, or 2, and they'll always mention how brave the soldiers were. Take Harry Potter as another example, the Boy Who Lived. Yes, he lived. He was a veteran, as a baby, for what he didn't remember. All my friends are veterans of war. They were right there, in the midst of fighting and blood and gore, and they remember it all. You get along just fine with Harry."
Ginny didn't finish her point, partly because she didn't have to, and also because she'd just burst out into tears. The ending of her point hung in the air as thick as molasses. Mrs. Weasley managed to pick it up.

Well, she did make quite the viscous point there. Maybe they can have a taffy pull with it.

Quote :: "Oh, Gin, you really do love your friends, don't you?" Mrs. Weasley asked wonderingly in a sudden burst of insight, and hugged her daughter close to her.

Sadly, this is an improvement on the previous scene's "I really don't love him, do I? LOL good thing I'm having a sudden burst of insight!" (I hadn't learnt the word 'epiphany' yet, and my readers wouldn't have understood it anyway.

Quote :: Ginny nodded happily. "They said that I could go!" She took Viole, and danced happily with the poor fellow.
Viole sighed. "What kind of dance was that?" he teased her.
"It's my 'Happy, Happy, Joy' dance," quipped Ginny.
Selena laughed. "I danced like that with Eries when she told me she was teaching here."

You know, I remember Suelena teaching Harry to dance earlier, but it occurs to me the dual effort of counting and moving at the same time should really have been too much for her. I'm going to say Harry's such a bad dancer that even her mumbling zombie shuffle (she was totally faking the counting) looked good to him.

Quote :: "Ah yes, the captivating young Miss Weasley," said Allen, and Viole scowled heavily towards him. "It will be a pleasure having you stay with us."
"Yes," said Selena loyally, "it will." Which was true enough, as Ginny was a good friend of hers.

I had a talent for saying things that made you suspect undertones of the complete opposite. I still do, but instead of being able to use it to make people feel bad about themselves, it always comes out when I'm actually complimenting them, so they think I'm just a douche who doesn't mean it. Karma.

I don't think I developed a proper sense of humour until I removed that stick up my behind, so this is the least funny passage ever, and not intentionally:

Quote :: "Yes, which would make you..." Shesta calculated this for a few seconds, "... probably my aunt-in-law, if there is such thing. I highly doubt there is, but it's a close enough word to symbolize the association." He nodded solemnly in conclusion, and Eries quirked a smile, raising her eyebrows.
"You seem to work on humor often," she remarked whimsically.
"Well, actually, it comes naturally," replied Shesta, using his hands to demonstrate this point, and in doing so, whacked Dalet right on the physiognomy.
"Ow! My face!" came the muffled yell. "What're you doing, Shesta?" Dalet would have added that Shesta had hit him almost as hard as Lord Dilandau would have, but did not want to incur this specific person's wrath.
"You see?" Shesta told Eries, "Although whether it is humor or mishap fate has stuck me with, I do not know. Sorry, Dalet!"

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Quote :: He threw a well-aimed bunch of flowers towards her, which she caught neatly.
"Thank you, brother," replied Selena dutifully, although she was not particularly fond of the flowers that grew around the castle.

What a bitch! Everyone else's brother throws dirty socks at them, not hand-picked (some by a princess!) flowers.

Quote :: Snape was looking almost as pleased as Filch had been when Peeves was expelled the other day. He was grinning, almost from ear to ear. It was a rather ghoulish sight.

I DISBELIEVE. His face would crack first.

Quote :: Hermione leaned over to where Ron and Harry were whispering, and said in annoyance, "For Heaven's sake, can't you get your mind off that topic already? Don't you think you've already been nosy enough?"

Fake Hermione, I think you may be my favourite of the 'characters' we've been forced to endure.

Quote :: "So," he observed smoothly, "the famous Potty-boy is finally getting a taste of his own medicine from his common friends and fans."

LMAO Malfoy's insults are so bad they make me laugh. Not for nothing does he have a Potter Award! Am beginning to think even Malfoy is fake, what with the total lack of wand use or effective rabble-rousing. Real Malfoy could've scripted insults in a children's cartoon (let's be judicious here) compared to this buffoon. An ode to Real Malfoy:

Well, you came with real comebacks for Potter
But I sent you away, oh Malfoy
Well, you got replaced by this wimp nutter
And we need you today, oh Malfoy

Quote :: "Oh, Malfoy," sighed Van loudly from his seat at the Gryffindor table. "I've already humiliated you so many times. Would you like to try for another?"
Malfoy's gray eyes narrowed. "You think you're so smart, don't you?" he spat at Van.
Van shrugged. "I ended a war. I'm entitled to have a good opinion of myself, aren't I? Not that I necessarily do, but I have a right to."
"Oh, you stupid liar," insulted Malfoy.

Malfoy wins another Potter Award! At least his father doesn't have to get those for him.

Quote :: "Must be fun, Malfoy," commented Ron snidely, "to not even be a good enemy."
Malfoy reddened. "Up yours, Weasel," was his charming retort.

I just had to quote more of Malfoy's 'insults'.

Quote :: Van and Dilandau, who were working on breaking each other's bones. As McGonagall rushed over, a distinct crack could be heard, and Van groaned.
"That was my leg!" he yelled, pale-faced, and taking Dilandau's arm in his, broke that with a bit of effort and panting.

I guess Hogwarts doesn't serve milk. "Bones: they're in you to break."

Quote :: "Is there a point to it?" continued Folken, not satisfied with Dilandau's answer. "You can stop. Your lives aren't being threatened, except by yourselves and each other. I'm not asking you to get along, I'm asking you to live. If it's possible in the bloody remains of war grounds, why can't it happen within a school? You're both taking this too far. Dilandau, remember your men. Remember the scar. Van- you're endangering your life. You have obligations to fulfill, if you'll recall. If you both push yourself farther into violence, you may see a repeat of what has once come."

Folken mouth-farts a little for the benefit of his ~*greayyyt romance*~.

Quote :: "Do you really think you should have brought up the past?" she yelled at him. "Wouldn't it have been easier to leave those two in the present, where they are happy fighting? Just look at their faces, and you would see that you've made them both feel really bad. Is that what your kind of punishment is? You rip off the wounds of the past, and leave them bleeding into the present?"

LOL two psychos fight until they break each other's bones, and Eries says Folken "made them both feel really bad"? (note that we never got a reaction shot after F's speech). Her perspective is so skewed I'm surprised she doesn't think Folken is a trapezoid.

Quote :: Folken sighed. "Princess, with all due respect, it would be much more convenient for the two of us to each do our own jobs, and not to cross over into each other's."
Eries looked skeptical. "With all due respect, Strategos, doing our own jobs is more tedious than spreading our horizons."

... her response is that "Yeah, but it's more interesting this way"? Not sure it's "horizons" she's talking about.

Quote :: "You are bored already..." Folken gave Eries a quizzical look.
"Of you, yes."
Folken smiled cynically. "Your misery would be ended if we both parted ways. Don't you agree, Princess?"
Eries nodded forcefully. "Until we meet again, Strategos." She spoke using the standard Asturian manner of parting.
"Until fate hurls us into each other's paths again, Princess," concluded Folken with his own version of parting.
The two turned from each other and walked away in opposite directions.

Wow it was so dynamic with the sizzle of their quarrels how are they not in bed together already

Another Author's Note! I was beginning to miss those.

Quote :: A/N: Be kind to me, your review makes my day.

Well, don't, but the latter part's still true.

Quote :: Give input. Check prior author's note on what input you can give.

*dumbfounded by past bitchiness* I know I didn't get concrit (with good reason; no criticism would be enough, and the story's so unfixable that it couldn't be constructive anyway). Nevertheless, that seems no reason to send reviewers on a wild goose chase just to tell me that they think Suelena's boggart would be a comb, and they think Hesparina is a good Gaean name.

Quote :: Dryden has been stuck in my head to incorporate as a new teacher, tell me what you think.

Mad tinkerer/scientist/merchant Dryden is way too cool for this fic, so I don't think Real Dryden will make it this far anyway.

Quote :: Simple, ja?

Nein, awful. I guess that last line makes sense with the review-Nazism I showed here.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

I'm missing all the author's notes at the beginning, I gotta say. The problem with Past Me going all "srs writer now!!" is I chose to suck a lot of fun out of it for ~*TEH DRAMZ*~. Then again, there wasn't really anything funny to begin with.

Another reader-inserted character is present (speaking part and everything!), this time as G~~atti~~ Fed's girlfriend. Even she wasn't thrilled at how this chapter went. I suppose I'll continue to name-censor the self-inserts. Not that you couldn't look them up, but please don't hold it against them, who surely have grown up just as I have in the ensuing 8-9 years. Though I think a few of them forgot to take me off alert/faves.

Actually, someone added this story on alerts the other day. If it was a board member here, I regret to inform you that there's not a snowball's chance in Hell I'm letting this story move up in my Updated list and tarnish the fics around it by association; if it wasn't, then they probably aren't worth getting the message through to. I'll dump whatever's not posted, if there is anything, to a website once we near the end.

Chapter Seventeen (part 1): Into the Lairs of Dragons
*blinks* Pretty sure there are no dragons in this chapter, though maybe I'm wrong. I think the next few chaps get their asses into gear and actually do something. The title gets explained in the Author's Note at the bottom, anyway, and I'm sure said explanation sucks.

Spoiler:

Opening sentence, with extra dose of fail:

Quote :: The week waned eventually, but before it did, there were still many memorable moments to be had.

Dumbledore has used his dark power to rename the moon! He calls it "The week". Only way I can rationalise this one.

This beginning is bad enough to deserve songfic (bad formatting included, you're welcome), let alone a filk:
These moments are waiting for you (in the arms of an angel...).
Yearning for a home filled with love (through the endlessness that you fear...).
Someone to appreciate them for not what, but who they really are... (of your silent revelry...)
MEMORABLE (may you fiiiiiind some comfort here).

Idk what it is about commercials and this fic going together. Major Writing Flaw screams from the Michael Bay prison (Suck's answer to Guantanamo!) that it's because they're both predictable, repetitive and awful. I object. There may be some things that are telegraphed with all the subtlety of a supersonic jet (over and over again), but some of the terrible weird twists have stunned even me from whose fertile ~~loins~~ ~~colon~~ mind they sprang.

Quote :: For one, Gatti's daughter met his girlfriend, Sabby.

What's for two??? Tea? The suspense!

Quote :: Meia had been going with Gatti to all of his classes, of course

I bet a 3-year-old is a delight to have underfoot during Transfiguration! Fingers crossed we have a dramatic accident. I think the only plot I haven't been able to cross off of Soap Opera Bingo is a sick or dead kid. Oh wait, maybe Meia's mum counts. Plus her story involves teen wedlock&pregnancy, arranged marriage, weird rich families, postnatal maternal death, and an awful name...BINGO! *victory dance*

Hey, Gatti, babies to kill your honey.
Your family - baby they've got her money.

Quote :: it was on Friday that [GFed's gurl] discovered the small waif. The day was warm and sunny, and Gatti was out in the grounds with his daughter, who'd taken a great liking to the broad nature around.

*phew* took a while to recover from that lightning strike, though the thunder around me is, to adopt a certain characteristic of this fic, still ominously rumbling, "YOU THINK I'M FAT?!?" Lesson: when you get naked, don't do it with Nature. Stuff always ends up in places you don't want, something's always watching, and you never know when Nature will turn on you.

Quote :: His girlfriend then came up to him from wherever she had been, and plopped herself down in the grass beside him. "Salutations," she greeted, "so what's up?"

If there's one thing to admire about this fic, it's the raw descriptive detail, which fits like raw meat in a vegan dish. Also, my audacity in forcing a Potter award ([You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]) on a poor reader. Even if in asking to be in this fic, one knew what they were getting into.

Quote :: "Well," Gatti began, "my daughter's visiting me, I found out I had a son, and we have a new teacher. Not much, really. You?"

It's like a "Previously on D&D!" if D&D replaced all the fighting with sex, the enemies with teachers, and the Simpsons fast-food worker with a Twihard.
Or maybe I just want to be the one to force a "Previously on D&D!" on someone for once.

Quote :: "I can't say that I have anything as... interesting as that occurring," said [G Fed's babyless mama] after a pause, then began to interrogate Gatti, yanking him up to his feet to do so. "Why do you have children?"

"I think the question is, why don't you have youngstas? Holla!" *sideways hat, saggy diaper pants, mouth-pooch, arm cross, legs astride pose*

Quote :: "Who did you have these children with?"
"A female."

I see he was inspired by Folken's particular brand of 'answers'. Private Information weeps for joy now that his flogging is finally over, but even he admits the timing is off.

Quote :: "I figured that much! Who? Was she pretty? Is she still around? Do you love her?"
"Alexia is dead now. She had the facial features that Meia has-" Gatti nodded towards his daughter, "and auburn hair, with hazel eyes."

If I ever try tabletop RPGs again, my character will have brown eyes & hair. I don't even know any other ways to describe my features, unless the word "dark" is thrown in front. No, my hair does not look like chocolate, although yes, licking is permitted, but- UWAGRH! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] no, my eyes aren't chocolate either!! You know how I know that? They're BROWN and - here's the major difference - they're EYES![/rant on ostentatious character description]

Quote :: "So she isn't around any longer? Well, at least I don't feel bad about having you to myself then. I'm sorry about that, I guess. But I am very mad at you for not telling me about it all this time!"
"You never asked."

I really must've hated my readers to make this one out to be such a bitch. This conversation should've had, well, a little less conversation a little more ~~action~~ slaption please.
At least she does get the reasonable comeback to his once-again snitty reply...

Quote :: [G-Fed's lady friend] snorted. "What was I supposed to ask you? 'Oh Gatti, by the way, could you tell me if you ever had children?' It isn't a common question. What did your parents say to the two of you about it?"
[...]
She glanced over to Meia. "She's so cute! What's her name? How old is she?"

...but all good things must come to an end, so her ovaries melt. At least this way Gatti can't knock her up. Am worried what would happen if Evildore got ahold of demon spawn, since Gatti already unleashed a Damian on an unsuspecting Gaia. Then again, I do hate Opposite World, whose only neat ideas were brinner and transvestism.

Past Me, I'm begging you, PLEASE PULL A SOAP OPERA AND STICK IVS IN HER SOON (Captain Psychic stands hopefully poised):

Quote :: Meia came over with flowers. "Look at these, Daddy," she exclaimed, proudly displaying them.
"Very pretty, Meia! What are you going to do with them?"
Meia shrugged. "I'll put them in my hair."
"What if an insect like the flower as much as you do, and goes into it, or stings you? You wouldn't want that," Gatti pointed out.
"Insects like me, they wouldn't do that." This was true enough, as Meia seemed quite immune to both the fears and poisons of insects.
"Here," offered [G-Fed's boo], who liked children, "I'll come with you to somewhere cooler, and I'll put the flowers in a chain for your hair."

Haha, way to contradict Daddy's orders right in front of him! Serves Gatti right for being such an ass to his long-suffering girlfriend, even if she did ask for it... and that way of putting it makes her sound like a mail-order bride.

Quote :: The two went off, while Gatti sat back down on the grass and let the sun shine down on his face. About half an hour later, his very hassled girlfriend came back with Meia. "Back so early? Was there any trouble?" Gatti wanted to know.
"No," sighed [baby girl put it on me], "everyone has been asking me if I'm her mother. It started with the new Hufflepuff, [yet another reader... is that 4? I lost count], and went downhill from there. Oh, and I'm still mad at you, so I'm going now."
Gatti hid a smile.

He even sits back and chills while she has to look after the kid? I'm starting to get impressed by the number of bitch noves he's managed to pull off. Captain Psychic wouldn't take my wager, but I bet Gatti'll come out smelling like roses no matter how many jackasseries he perpetrates. A little like me, if you replace "roses" with "deodorant".

Dammit, another Snape/Eries scene. I don't care if he gets paired off; in this fic, I'm kind of hoping for it. I just really hate Opposite Snape, who has too much Team Rocket in him than and not enough Lionel Luthor... do I spy a crossover X-rated badfic in that sentence? Heyo! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: At that day's supper, Snape seated himself quite firmly by Eries at the High Table, much to her discomfort.

All the pale bony butt-wriggling that would entail discomfits me as well.

You know what? The dialogue that follows could almost be out of a romance novel. One where Snape's at the bottom of the love triangle and awkward and weird, but he still seems like a better choice than the 'hero' that's going to rape the virgin heroine (and make her like it, dammit!!) in a few chapters.

As you've probably noticed, I like to correlate with the kind of reckless abandon that should get my B.Sc. revoked (correlation does not a conclusion make). But I get the strange feeling that my discovery of romance novels and my ensuing better writing are not related.

Quote :: "I want to congratulate you," he said in what was meant to be a pleasant manner, "on your new post. I certainly hope you will have a comfortable, lengthy stay. If you need anything, don't hesitate to come to me... Eries."
Eries requested, "Would you be able to call me Professor Aston? I'm sure we will not be able to sustain a professional environment otherwise, Professor Snape."
Snape's mouth gaped open soundlessly like a fish's, then closed. "Of-of course, Professor Aston. Feel free to call me Severus at any time, and as aforementioned, come to me with any problems you might have. I'll try to remedy them immediately." Eries smiled and nodded politely, thinking that this situation would never come into play. It was much more natural to go to the Strategos for help, as he would understand her problems better; like when she had asked him earlier that day to teach her time. Also, it would very much not do to encourage this desperate man.

It's a choice between the man who's being desperately nice, or the meanie who will never answer your questions, and you choose the latter? (stop that conga line, Captain Psychic!) I thought this was Opposite World, not a prediction of my life to come.

Quote :: Eries choked on her suppressed laughter on imagining what it would be like if she came back to Gaea married to Snape. It would, of course, be useful for a princess to have married a wizard, but...! Eries was of the opinion that she would rather marry one of the students or another teacher than Snape. "What is so funny?" Snape asked her

IKR? I'm wondering the same thing. At least she doesn't even pretend that Folken's a wizard. Damn, I'd marry a wizard. Female, male, goblin, house elf... I just really have a thing for magic. It goes hand in hand with my thing for Neil Patrick Harris, though that would be a beardy marriage.

Quote :: "Just my musings," stammered Eries, desperately wishing for something- anything- to divert Snape's attention from her.
"Move over, Severus Snape. We all need our own places in the world, and this table is one of those," came a smooth voice from behind, and Snape turned and quaked.
"Yes- yes," he squeaked, and nodded senselessly to Folken, who glanced but lightly at him.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] This just in: Great Leader Ly's coup has resulted in an impasse! He has annexed what he calls The Democratic People's Republic of Suck (DPRS), leaving our forces to defend South Suck.

Gee, that sounds familiar. I wonder if that mirrors the exciting tale of how the Canadian communities of Dildo and South Dildo separated? Gotta say, Dildo Days was disappointing without it.

Quote :: "My wish has come true..." whispered Eries softly to herself, grinned, and sighed gustily in relief. Snape moved over as far as he could, enough for Folken to calmly place a chair in the space at the table.

That made me LOL because WHERE DID THE CHAIR COME FROM? Looking at this passage alone, it's like Folken's a genie who made Eries' wish for a chair come true. And now I have the "I Dream of Jeannie" song stuck in my head. Filks may be low on the ground for a while. ~~Great Leader~~ Eternal President Ly stole most of 'em, anyway.

Quote :: "Is he afraid of you?" Eries demanded of Folken inquisitively, indicating Snape with a tilt of her head.
"Hello to you too, princess," greeted Folken, amused by this breach of eloquence. "Although I'm not quite certain, I believe Severus Snape is really terrified of me."

Gee, she's demanding. Um, if Folken shoved the magical waving inflatable arm tube chair between Eries & Snape, isn't Snape still right next to them during this convo? You'd think royalty would know how to place their goss sessions better.

Quote :: "Could I ask you do me a favor?"
"What might it be, first?" Folken asked cautiously.

Yeah, it's not like he has anything to make up for. Begrudge her, Folken! *fist shake* Beeeegruuudge.

Quote :: "Would you please help me keep that man at bay? He scares me, because he will not stop attempting to get near me. There isn't anything otherwise faulty with him, I'm sure, but he's just far too desperate. It's frankly annoying, and I'll have to be working with him. Did you know he called me Eries?"

LOL he's seen her, what, twice? Three times? In normal circumstances, at that, unlike everyone's ~*TRAGIC*~ and ~*DRAMATIC*~ meetings at the lake (why always there, anyway?). Given she's the neglected, unwanted princess, you'd think she'd be eating out of his hand for him showing an interest. I guess he should magic a little pond to carry 'round with him to set the mood.

Quote :: "From what I dimly recall, that is your name, princess, fascinating though it may be. I'll help try to quell his zealous emotions, however, if it will keep us all content.

You know the rule "Never use a big word when a small one will ~~suffice~~do?" It's in traction because of Folken right now. Almost makes me want to come up with another verse for "Folken was Every Inch a Traitor". That's okay, Captain Psychic & I threw poison darts (I keep tripping over them in my murder house) at each other until we remembered what happens to him. Then, despite the burning and inflammation, we felt relieved.

LMAO I think Suelena's at the body-switching again! Look who shows up but HER GREATEST FEAR:

Quote :: Now, have you memorized the days of the week then?"
Eries though hard. "A week is seven days, starting on either a Monday or a Sunday- usually Sunday- going in order of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday."
"Good. What else is there in regards to time?"
"In a day, there are 24 hours, and each hour is repeated twice for different things," recited Eries dutifully. "Each hour has 60 somethings-"
"Minutes," Folken prompted.
"Yes, those. And every minute has 60 seconds, which are fast and go like this, this, this, this, this..."
"Yes," interrupted Folken. " You don't have to demonstrate."
"Then there are months," Eries continued. "There are 12 months in a year- our rotation- and the months are like the colors we have, except structured slightly differently."
"If you have a calendar, you will not need to learn the months," offered Folken. "And you still can't quite tell time."
"It's not my fault," said Eries, slightly offended.
"Which is why I still have to teach you this in particular. Here, I'll show you by this watch. First, hours end at twelve midnight, then go right back to a new day afterwards, going to one. The minutes in-between are shown by the long hand of the watch, while..."

OK so it's a watch (which Folken probably reinvented from scratch [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]), close enough.

Oh damn. (1) this week is not over yet (2) Hermione's mum is redonk (yes she deserves that word).

Quote :: "What are you doing?" came a sharp voice which made Hermione groan inwards. "Shouldn't you be studying, or trying to find yourself a boyfriend, or doing something to fix that mop of yours?"
"I'm looking for my homework, Mama," Hermione replied meekly.
"Homework? Why didn't you have somewhere sensible to put it in the first place?"

Actually, other than the boyfriend part, this sounds kind of like my mum when I was that age. Of course, when it came to boyfriends, she just assumed I had five. At once. Together. I suppose I could try to take that as a motherly compliment, since boys my age were afraid looking at me would turn them to stone.

Quote :: Emily Granger glanced briefly at the bookshelf on the wall. "The bookshelf we gave you for Christmas was supposed to be for all your books and textbooks. We specifically told you that in the letter we sent you- which you never answered. If you want somewhere to put your homework, get a desk."
"I can't, Mama. I don't have enough money and the school doesn't provide them."
"Well, do something! My, Hermione, even though your life is usually so organized, your living spaces never are. It's something you get from that father of yours."
"It isn't mess, Mama. I know where everything is, and I don't happen to need a desk or bookshelf to be able to figure it out."

I agree with Fake Hermione. Real Hermione, OTOH, probably agrees with Mrs. G (who is being only a little unreasonable). Since Real Hermione colour-codes her notes & schedules, her mutant power is probably order, like the guy in Gunnerkrigg Court who can toss a pack of cards in the air and have them come down sorted.

Quote :: She raised her palm quickly, and Hermione cringed as she brought it down. Reflexes that she'd trained instinctively brought her arm as a shield, yet she still cried out as flesh sharply met with flesh with a crack.

*snicker* wimp. She just got slapped (yes that really just happened) by Dilandau, felt it for days, and yet this makes her cry out? It's a slap from her mum! It may not be something she should be used to, but at the very least she should be accustomed enough to not cry when it happens!
Yes, I received a bunch of whacks at this age, and yes, all of them were totally deserved. For this fic if not for whatever they thought I'd done.

After this point, I don't even understand Mrs G's way of talking. It's so exaggerated, like she's a gay fairy who breeds horses to get the most evil whinnies she can out of them:

Quote :: "Now," Emily said, breathing hard, "I told you that you have to respect your elders, hm? Remember that! But the real problem is your hair. It's such a mess, and you never even try to remedy it. You'd look like someone to actually be proud of if you'd just fix that bush of yours.
"Another problem of yours is that you don't have a boyfriend. This really worries me, Hermione; it's just not normal. I myself had many boyfriends when I was your age; why else do you think I'd be stuck with a little brat now? Not by choice! I'm starting to suspect you're not quite normal by now."
"That's not true; last year there was Viktor, and this year I went to the ball with Dilandau Albatou."
"For balls, where you have to make public appearances, sure. Nothing too hard, it's just one night, isn't it? I'm talking about someone to go out a few days or so with, Hermione. How else will you ever broaden your experiences and get to know people better?"

Technically, she was out with Dilandau twice. See, I can learn from my continuity mistakes.

Quote :: "I am just not the type of person with time for either my hair or a boyfriend, Mama."

Hermione is also not the type of person who would say, "I am just not the type of person [excuse]."

Quote :: "We know your marks are high already, you can let them lag a little. That mysteriously handsome professor of yours wouldn't mind, probably. I don't know about the others."
"What 'mysteriously handsome professor', Mama? You mean Professor deFanel?"
"Of course, Hermione. I specifically instructed you in my last letter to notice good-looking men a little more."

Other than getting with the smackity, this is sounding a little reminiscent of Jules' mum in Bend it Like Beckham. I bet Hermione's mum thinks, ironically, that Hermione is the gay fairy in the family.

Quote :: Hermione ignored this. "What about Dad? You're being quite unfair to him."
Emily slapped her daughter hard again. "Don't tell me how to act! I'm your mother, I know what to do!" She didn't stop with the slapping, either. Hermione was crying and sniffing as her mother began to knock her about.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Please tell me I wasn't the only one to get a laugh out of this.
Mrs Granger is a dentist, shouldn't she protect her hands? My God, woman, what do you think every other household uses wooden spoons for? Other than massaging the backs of old men.

Quote :: "What are you doing?" came an enraged male voice from the front.
Emily turned hastily around to see whether it was her husband or not. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw it was only a boy about Hermione's age or so. "Discipline," she replied smoothly. "What are you doing in the female side of the tower?"
The boy came closer, and Hermione recognized him through her tears as Dalet.

Dammit I predicted earlier that Dalet would end up with Ginny, but now Hermione? Really? Must she be assimilated too? WHEN WILL IT END.

Quote :: Dalet took out his sword and pointed it at Mrs. Emily Granger. "Now, I'll give you a choice; this time. You are going to go away now and stay away from Hermione for the duration of your stay here, and are not going to touch her. You know why? Well, I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate this if it happened to you." Here Dalet thrust the sword downwards violently, and struck it deeply into the bedpost of Lavender's bed.

LMAO Lavender's bed sure gets slashed a lot...[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Mrs G must've been disappointed how the 1st sentence in the paragraph turned out, though, by this weird and OOC cougarness of hers.
Seriously, I took a canon character we've seen, like, once from a distance and made her Out-of-Character. That takes considerable audacity. And should be an indicator of how badly Snape makes it out of the fic I wrote after this one.

Quote :: "I shall try my best to tell him, if he'll believe me. You know how your father is with me. He'll say that you were under my care, and I should not have let you rebel so easily."
"Then he'll disown me," continued Eries cheerily enough, "and I shall be known as a disgrace to Asturia for abandoning it."
"Like Prince Folken," Allen pointed out to her. He thought Eries and Folken would probably get along well together if they let themselves- but they wouldn't.

I disagree. They're getting together way too well for my liking, what with all that talking to each other that they're doing. I need some silent treatment, stat!

Quote :: "So you'll be leaving now, then?"
Allen nodded. "They have the circle set up outside the front entrance for everyone to return to their abodes. I'll simply step into it, and return to Asturia."

I was all "HOMG! We finally get to find out how they travel interplanetarily?" Yes, such a secret that it was hidden even from myself... aaaand still is. I assume the circle is drawn in baby koala's blood, or something.

Quote :: "Eries, could you keep an eye on Selena, to make sure that she is... herself?"
"I'll do that when I need to, Allen, but I believe she's quite alright."

Aw, must she? I'd rather Suelena wasn't herself. At least she hasn't been anyone where we've had to see her. Except for Eries *shudder* that was unpleasant, if LOLworthy.

Quote :: "Thank you, and goodbye, Eries," Allen thanked Eries

Racking up the count on Potter Awards! The Spot the Tautology Committee is so proud that they are allowing the general public to see one. Here it is: [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: all the parents were gathered around a small circle in the ground, where Gatti was standing with Meia.

Aw, it can't even be a special Gaean~~ese~~ circle? B-but the marsupials! Surely they can't be from this world!

Quote :: "Now, when you get back to Gaea," Gatti was telling her, "just tell your grandparents that you've been visiting me. Show them the letter that I gave you, alright?"

Gatti's an asshole for sending a 3-year-old through some freaky unfamiliar travel on her own, and a coward for not facing his parents. I know I keep going back to Twilight, that old chesnut, but if there's anyone who would have something to talk about with Edward Cullen (and the existence of such a person was in doubt), it would be Gatti.

Quote :: "So ends another chapter of my life," he quoted from a book he'd once read

STOP RUINING GOOD BOOKS! Past Me prided past-myself (I did that a lot) on not writing songfics, but trying to drag something awesome down to the level of this fic is way worse.

Quote :: When he arrived there, much merriment was occurring in the Gryffindor's common room. Fred and George Weasley were taking this to their advantage by demonstrating the use of several of their latest products, and distributing order forms for Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

I think cause and effect got switched around here. Why the merriment before the pranking? Will assume that the Gryffindors are having a Bacchalian orgy but aren't good enough at sex to unlock a new action for the rabble. The barricade in Les Mis had more personality than this lot.

Quote :: "It's obvious, isn't it?" asked Shesta [...] "There's your Lord Voldemort, and everyone is terrified. While your government either does nothing or something, they set out to do what was wanted by the people before as a diversion and to keep them quiet for a bit longer."
"So simple," murmured Hermione. "I wonder why he hasn't done anything to the school yet."
"Maybe he bears a bit of the old alma mater for his school yet," remarked Shesta sarcastically.
"How can you be so casual about it?" Harry angrily wondered.
"Like this," demonstrated Shesta, and started whistling to prove his point.

I've decided I hate Shesta. Past Me seemed to find him hilarious, and that's reason enough for me to turn against him.
As much as my university needs another Tim Hortons to add to the 14 others on campus, I would prefer not to "bear a bit of the old alma mater for it". I've laboured enough for my school, y'know?
Can anyone tell WTH Shesta is saying in the bolded bit? An Antipotter Award is at stake.

Quote :: "You, your whole group. You annoy me." Ron kicked a fake wand on the carpeted floor.

WORD, Ron-Shaggy. Yeah, don't think I've forgotten your past offences just because you totally found enlightenment, man.

Quote :: "He's been abusing you," Hermione stated, and Harry could see the foundation of another SPEW-like society forming in her head.

Yes, this is the girl who was lying down and taking it from her mum a few short paragraphs ago. Why do you ask??

Quote :: Hermione snorted. "You call him Lord, of course he's done something."
"No. We just call him by title, as seniority requires. What, you've never seen the system for this? Oh, you lead a life of naïveté!"
Hermione sighed heavily. "I think Ron's right about you being annoying, you know."
"He might be, he might not be. But is that your own genuine opinion, my lady, or are you influenced by his speech? That is the real question at hand."

Way to prove her right, Shesta. Am regretting having introduced the whole "giving them personalities" concept. Having to listen to them (even if in my head) is like getting my ear penetrated by a flaming spike of chilli-coated asbestos.

Quote :: Hermione stared after his retreating back, and remarked, "You know, I'm really sure there's some odd relationship between all of them."
"Hermione!" Harry was shocked by this.
Hermione suddenly blushed. "Not like that!

Jeez, Harry, when Suelena dropped your balls she dropped 'em low. I didn't even think of that this time around, and I generally beat Past Me in innuendo competitions. *hangs head in shame, studies Illustrated Kama Sutra... upside down*

Oh fuck. Just when you thought we couldn't get any worse, we are about to descend even lower into the inferno. How is it even possible? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: "Fine. But all of those people have a different accent, a unique bearing and aura. If I could put into words, I'd say... but no, it sounds silly."
Harry smiled. "We won't mind."
"Well, it's like an unconscious style of fame, or well-being."
"Inklings of celebrity," summarized Ron, who looked surprised afterwards. "I never even knew I knew the word inkling

*locks self in the cage made of bones hanging in the guest room*

Quote :: "Did you notice Snape's new look?" asked Ron to divert the topic, and both he and Harry burst out laughing.
Hermione stared at them curiously. "Really, what's so funny? He actually looks very civilized and... well, normal. It's really an improvement. Even my mother remarked on it... although her opinion doesn't really count for much," Hermione murmured to herself meanly.
Harry and Ron stared at her incredulously, and Hermione burst out angrily, "WHAT? He actually does look better! Some girls will probably set up a fan club for him like they have for Professor deFanel!"

Ron & Harry are so hot for teacher, they might as well be the ones to start the club. What was with me and clubs??? Not like I belonged to any, or would know one if it hit me upside the head (nowadays, that's something I like to call "Friday Night at the Murder House").

Quote :: "The girls have a fan club for Prof. deFanel at this school," Ron stated dazedly.

Was there ever a Lockhart fan club? If not, this sounds silly (big surprise there). If Folken could actually say words and have them make sense, I'd suspect he was Real Snape in disguise. Not like I didn't reuse a major book plot or two already.

Quote :: "What did [Dalet] do for you?" Ron asked.
Hermione suddenly flared up. "Honestly, do you have to know everything? It's my own matter!

Between the sudden flareup and possessiveness over her matter, I think Hermione needs to get checked out for anal retentiveness and the constipation that can come with it.

Bahahaha, this is another passage I seem to recall thinking the writing was ~*awesome*~ in:

Quote :: I'm sorry, Harry, Ron, you're both really good friends but this is just too big to be able to share with you." She then looked forlorn as her temper left her, and, piteously squaring her shoulders, walked away quietly.

Another reader insert? Goddamn! At least this means we won't get Hermione/Dalet... I think. Captain Psychic's crossing his fingers.

Quote :: She found Dalet in the lower basement of the school with his girlfriend[...] [who]looked suspicious. "Why do you want to talk to him? Just so you know, I'm his girlfriend!"
"Yes," replied Dalet, "she knows- if she didn't she does now. Don't worry, we haven't got anything disreputable going on. Hold on, though, because I do have to talk to her now, okay?" [Girlfriend reader] sulkily nodded, and flounced off.

Great, Dalet is also a bastard about answering questions.
Now that I came across another of these inserts, which is the same kind of surprise as stumbling across a landmine, I must correct what I said earlier. Not with actually going back up there, though, cause I'm lazy and assume it's too funny to remove. So IIRC this reviewer was the one who was a bit put out by her portrayal, not G-Fed's girl. Both had a reason to be, but it's true I made this girl look like a bitch and screwed her over. She was graceful about it, considering,

Even if I had been a good writer who liked insertion (which I do, just not in that- anyway), I couldn't have done much character-wise with someone whom I just heard 30 words from at a computer screen. So I just used the reader characters as blank slates (was going to be all fancy and put tabula rasa, but Hell if I know the plural), naming OCs after them. I think I did include whatever crumbs of details they'd deign to provide, though to be fair I don't recall asking much if anything, either.

Quote :: "My father. He was- well, is, until I kill him- very violent. He beat my mother and I. I wouldn't want anyone to end up in the situation my mother did."
"Thank you so much."
Dalet smirked. "Although you may not have noticed it before this, Hermione, I am a very violent person when something infuriates me."
"Are you sure you should be?" Hermione steadfastly asked him.
"Well, the army does that to you," Dalet defended himself calmly. "Never join the army, my dear."
Hermione laughed again, this time nervously. "No, I don't plan to," she remarked dubiously.
"Good," said Dalet, "it's usually very disillusioning, and someone like you probably wouldn't enjoy that."

I kill my father! Prepare to blab.
You know what, half the people I know right now are in the army/navy. None of them have ever really lashed out over the years (and some of those years were very close to this time of writing). Plus, they enjoy it. This fic is like my own personal Mythbusters, awesome. I wish I knew someone with a walrus moustache.

This chapter was written in *checks review timestamps* June 2001. There's a reason I needed to check...

Quote :: "I'm sorry. About your father beating you."
"Yes, well, the bruises will fade eventually, even if the scars do not- as you might know."
Hermione wondered whether he was talking about emotional scars or physical ones. She didn't ask, though, but threw herself down on the damp ground to cry, huddling in a dark corner, where Harry found her an hour or two later.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Guys, I'm so scared. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I think I invented emo.

Hold me, General Exposition. Captain Obvious, too. I need all the support I can get. Maybe Major Stupidity should come over, as well.

Another so-called *~grrrreattt*~ passage (Idk WTF I was thinking, but please, snark away):

Quote :: "Let's face it, Harry," Ron told him matter-of-factly later on. "She's going through her DARK stage of the month. Now, if we leave her alone we just might have a chance of getting through it. If not-" Ron shuddered- "let's just keep on hoping for the best, Harry."
"God, we really are pessimists lately, aren't we?" was the response.
"What better way to get the optimists to talk to us?"

Ooh, PMS jokes, those are winners. You can get Emmies with those.
... wait, you can. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] 2.5 Men, you ruin culture forever.
But yeah, WTF was up with Harry's last line? Doesn't make any sense. I think Ron's slipped him some of his stash. Just to keep up the weird evil bad-friend stoner image that exists exclusively in this fic for him.
... no, I've seen that one before too. Everyone was grabbing bad ideas off this fic right, left & centre, weren't they? One thing about being one of the first to do things, you get to screw them up before everyone else.

Quote :: he knew few of what was really troubling her

1, 2, 3... GRAMMAR CRINGE.

General Exposition lets that little light of his shine, Mrs. Granger sends Dalet a Howler (??? I think yet another bodyswap took place, her & Mrs. Weasley), and Snape is less of a fop. More Godawful dialogue ensues.

Quote :: Hermione must have chosen incredibly bad timing, for at that moment, Professor Snape swept by her, and stood expectantly above the two students. "What is this?" he inquired icily. "Miss Granger, is your seat not over there? Shouldn't you be-"
Dalet held out a hand to stop him, and said in a civil tone, "Excuse me, we're attempting a conversation. It isn't possible with a man standing over us. In other words, if you're wanting to eavesdrop, it will have to be done from a distance. Now," he addressed Hermione, turning towards her to whisper in her ear, "There's no need for you to act as if this was your fault! Your mother just happens to be a scheming woman, and that has nothing to do with you. Look, I'm not sorry that I did what I did; I'd do it again. Just calm down, Hermione. You're a very tense person, and it's not good for you."
Hermione glanced nervously at Snape, who was looking like an icicle illuminated by a stroke of lightning.

I just compared Snape to a Christmas light. That may be the highlight of the chapter for me.

Quote :: "Wait, there is something. Look, Professor, see my teeth? Do you see a difference? Do you?" She then told Dalet calmly, "I think I'm done now."
"Then, sir, we have completed our conversation, and you are permitted to eavesdrop to all that you want! Now, since you're here, what exactly do you want?"
Snape was looking furious. "I have NEVER in my life been spoken to as rudely as you just spoke to me," he began, seething, to Dalet.

He just thinks that because he's distracted by Voldemort's uptilted pinkie during the Death Eaters' weekly mandatory Teavil meeting. Nagini can get pretty bad-mannered once she gets some Rum Rotten Rooibos in her. Curse that insolent snake!

Quote :: "That's not true," interrupted Gatti from his seat next to Dalet, grinning like mad, "he spoke very politely to you. If you didn't think so, how have you survived as a teacher?"
Snape turned on Gatti. "Shut your mouth, why don't you? As for you, Miss Granger, and your little boyfriend, maybe the two of you should just go straight to Dumbledore's office right now. Oh, wait! Since you've been speaking so politely to me, I'll let the two of you go down together."

I know chatting with a toddler must've made you less critical to speech, Gats, but Dalet was not 'speaking politely'. He sounded like a high-as-a-kite dumbass who believes he's the Mad Hatter without knowing exactly who that is.
But THANK YOU, Snape, for clearing the way to Evildore. I worry what's going on when we can't see him. It's like hearing someone [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]/[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]without being able to see where they are. But more evilly, like that person is thinking of raping virgin puppies.

Quote :: "Good-bye then, sir," concluded Dalet politely, "and may you have far better luck in your next life. After all, when you hit bottom, the only place you can go is up, isn't it?"

I may have no idea what Dalet's blabbing about now, but the last sentence is what I keep telling myself.

Quote :: He bowed mockingly, and left the room cheerfully. Hermione obediently followed, blushing furiously and quite satisfied, if somewhat mortified. "Now," Dalet instructed Hermione from outside the class, where the Slytherins listened, "let me do the talking.

... wow. That passage sounds (other than the class & Slytherins part) like it belongs in a bodice ripper. Instead, it just adds more fuel to Eternal President Ly's fire of ~~tyranny~~ democracy and revelation oh no it's spreading

Dammit, there are birds chirping outside my window (I thought all those backyard poisonous plants would be a deterrent). Anyone who wants to take up the thread of the rest of the chapter/further, please do - it's about 75% in. I'll add director's commentary if there's anything I can explain. Idk, I still don't understand most of what the characters are saying, mainly because I find it too unbearable to read the dialogue so I try to do it quickly, on the Bandaid Principle.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Later.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Wow, it's been a week! How amiss have I been in updating? If it helps, I was in the States, doing my civic duty as bait for the serial killer who owned my house, trying to pick up more relevant snarking references (I'm sure it would've worked if I'd understood what people were saying), and subsuming myself in the glory that is $3 wine.

Oh America. Our beer could make you weep for the terrible knowledge of what you've been missing your whole life, but you had to one-up us by making a wine that costs only slightly more than a single bottle of Canadian beer. My friends tell me it smelt like rotting fruit, but my allergies to Republicanism were acting up so I didn't notice.

So now let us row our boats gently down the stream of diarrhea that is Chapter Seventeen (part 2): Into the Flairs of Flagons. I know I'd rather be flairing it up with some flagons.

Spoiler:

Quote :: He bowed mockingly, and left the room cheerfully. Hermione obediently followed, blushing furiously and quite satisfied, if somewhat mortified. "Now," Dalet instructed Hermione from outside the class, where the Slytherins listened, "let me do the talking. Would you happen to know where this office is, by the way?"

Does Snape often send students to the Headmaster's without directing the way? LOL. But I guess he figures Hermione's overfamiliar with the route.

Quote :: She silently brought him towards an ugly statue, and from there timidly knocked on it.
After a short period of waiting, Dumbledore appeared, eyes twinkling.
"So," he pleasantly requested, "what might the dilemma be? No, don't tell me yet, we'll come into my office first."

Eternal President Ly of South Suck is starting a nuclear program. He won't tell us what that program entails, but we know he has the power.

"Will you walk into my office?" said the Evil to the Sly;
"'Tis the bloodiest warring office that ever you did spy;
The way into my office is up a winding stair,
(I say this for young Dalet, from whom no map gets a stare)."
"Oh no, no," said the teenaged Sly, "please ask about my pain;
For I must spew forth on your stair, shit will come out again."

Quote :: "Sir," began Dalet respectfully, "Professor Snape sent us down; I was talking to Hermione. He happened to show up during my monologue, and I very politely requested him to eavesdrop from a distance. Sadly, he didn't, so I continued in a softer tone to prevent him from hearing all the boring revelations I was burdening Hermione with. I notified him of when our conversation was completed, and asked him what he wanted. He seemed very angry then, and sent us down here. I then wished him luck on the way out."

Yeah, Captain Psychic had to hip-bump me for that one (next up is the full-body five). Any discerning teacher would know in an instant that Dalet's full of it. In other news, Eternal President Ly has started missile training.

Quote :: He leaned forwards, and remarked in a confidential tone, "You see, sir, the two of us have ended up here from a combination of bad timing and harsh punishment. Surely you heard the charming epistle I received this morning? The combined efforts of this and Professor Snape are enough to 'corrupt' anyone."

I don't even know what he's trying to say. Where did anyone suggest corruptibility? An Anti-Potter award to whoever figures it out.

Quote :: He also noticed that Dalet seemed to be placing blame on himself, making Hermione appear to be the innocent party. "I am certain both of you had very admirable intentions at hand. However, you have been interrupting a class, so you should try to make your peace with Professor Snape on this. I suggest staying back several days to assist him. Miss Granger, you've been particularly quiet through all this. Any output?"

"Only if I can provide my input first, Professor. What have they been telling you about how computers work?"

Quote :: Hermione was really feeling slightly insane. The few weeks of April

At least we know how much closer we've gotten to the end of the year (not that we ever reach it, IIRC). Jeez, it would be one thing if I was just fuelling Eternal President Ly for a good reason, but nope, just throwing unnecessary adverbs his way. THEY ARE LIKE SPINACH TO HIM [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: Her face looked very stressed and hassled, while she was yawning.

Well, I know the way to wipe that stressed and hassled look off her face. Stop yawning.

Quote :: I'll go down to the infirmary later today for a medicine, but I'll be fine, honest!"

English may not be Fake Hermione's first language. Oh well, it's Opposite World. It took Guimel (or someone, IDEFK) months to remember that he could speak Gaean, his mother tongue. Hermione's probably been speaking it all along.

Quote :: "I'll talk to your teachers," finished Dumbledore ominously. "I'm sure they wouldn't mind you missing just one lesson. Good bye, Miss Granger."

LOL that's actually a pretty good Hermione punishment.

Quote :: "Sir," he began, "I'm not sure exactly how to deal with you. You are not at all remorseful upon coming here, nor do you seem to hold any particular respect for your teachers."
"That's not true, professor," contradicted Dalet. "I greatly respect Professor deFanel."
"I am talking, of course, generally. I'll take, for example, your behavior towards Professor Snape, it being your only breach of discipline- so far as we can prove.

*snort* love the emphasis at the end. I think Evildore likes to pretend to be Poirot sometimes. Who am I kidding, Realdore does too. Along with defacing Said's grave, clearly.

Quote :: "Well, sir, I'm afraid that I can't tell you exactly why. It wasn't exactly my business until a few weeks ago, and before that it was still the Grangers' business. Since none of them would choose for me to divulge, I do not believe I can tell you."
Dumbledore sighed. "I suppose I shall have to respect that, for now. Why start to go off into the bad side this month?"
"I really think I've been off for far longer than that."

I quote these long strings of dialogue because they're just so bad, but sometimes they strike me too dumb to say anything about them. At least they still have "WTF" value and filk potential, which lets me glean fun from the boringness (how many are we at now??). Sorry guys, still no ditties, just Ode to "The Bad Side This Month":

Seems as though I start to go-off-into the bad side this month
I'm full of dregs and shittiness still, and full of rusty puns
Come on, people, die with me,
(or pretend, at least, for school)
While the doppelgang's insurance board
Finds this so uncool.
I'm a light world away
From my real home where this day
Dad's in...to the bad side, this month.
This is my life, don't have a wife, my friends have knives, such strife,
This is my life, adverbs are nice, this fic is dry, oh why...

The next paragraph is circuituously awful, like Hell if it was reimagined as Groundhog Day (Carrot Top and Posh Spice star). I tried double-tagging it with the spoiler tag because it's long, but it needs to be seen in its unexpurgated awfulness and I couldn't possibly cut it up:
[spoiler]

Quote :: "I really think I've been off for far longer than that."
"You realize it would only be appropriate behavior for me to contact your parents about this," stated Dumbledore.
"NO!" yelled Dalet forcefully, then calmed down slightly. "You can't do that. I mean, they live much too far away for any sudden action to be taken."
"No other particular reasons?"
Dalet shook his head. "None at all," he lied.
Dumbledore stared, long and hard, at him, and he stared back. "Is there any reason why you have been acting up?"
"No, there is not."
"No reason, then. So you have not being doing this for attention?"
Dalet was blunt. "From who? I have no one I want to impress."
Dumbledore looked at him searchingly. "Are you quite sure? Don't you think you might be able to think of someone if you searched hard enough?"
"No, sir, I truly, honestly don't. Do you?"
"Yes," replied Dumbledore seriously. "I really do. I won't tell you my opinion exactly, though, for I think you'd have to figure it out for yourself; if I'm right, that is."

I got the "any reason you've been acting up" question a few years later. Talk about Major Overreaction (...and now his ears are burning)! That window was only on the second floor [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: "Very well," sighed Dumbledore. "You can go, although I still feel you have been hiding many matters from me in this conversation."

Many matters have you hidden, young padawan. I feel them... they weigh me down like chains from Hot Topic.
That's right, I've finally seen one of those stores now (in America!). I'm an unstoppable taunting force! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: "Yes, how many times must I be telling you already? From what we've learnt- if you'll recall- spells have to be performed by four to six people for it to penetrate the scales. Now, if the thirteen of you do the spell, there are wonderful odds of it working. All we'll need," snapped the other impatiently, "is for the rest of you to be thinking the same commands simultaneously."

General Exposition's been working too hard lately, poor baby. This passage has not one, but two "as you know" statements... right next to each other.

Quote :: A man in the corner raised his hand tentatively, as if a trembling school child. "What if the spell breaks?"
[...] "Of course not," exasperated, "dragons are not particularly smart creatures.

All these unfinished sentences! I'm in such suspense! It's enough to make me want to

Quote :: The men kowtowed on the ground- murmuring, groveling and simply doing what they did best.

"What they did best"... er, kowtowing perhaps? With all the rolling around on the floor making noise, I begin to suspect it's something else. Musical snow angels, perhaps.

Quote :: "You are all to go back to your common rooms now, and follow the precautions we have set up in case of emergency. Time is not to be wasted, for each moment is crucial."

Having twice as many syllables creates extra urgency!

Quote :: The students, obediently following these orders, brought up a worried murmur of, "What do you think it is? You think we'll have to leave?"

Aw, I thought the students had been assimilated, but no, they're back as plucky as ever to unlock a new action!

Quote :: The teachers, on the other hand, went to the staff room. Eries was secretly very relieved about this. She was very nervous around the students, because they ranged from being only three to ten years younger than her, yet were so utterly different.

A teacher who prefers emergencies to teaching? Bitch move, Eries. Folken is rubbing off on you, and not in that Earth orgy way you wanted ("Why does no one except Snape, those weird kids who keep watching me, and the cat girls want to start an orgy with me??").

Quote :: told them briefly, in disjointed sentences, "A wild dragon- strong and hardy, apparently. Wreaking havoc on Hogsmeade, everyone being too alarmed to approach, and no way to stop it. It's coming closer to the school now, and even the protection spells set up around the school won't hold if it enters."

You've probably noticed by now that brevity's never been my strong suit, but OMG Past Me must've sent this fic even further into the past just to kill telegraph operators. Or maybe I'm thinking of one of the serial killer's world domination plans.

I mean, come on: "Dragon in Hogsmeade, coming here, too strong to stop." Dunzo. Duh...zo.

Quote :: Professor Binns mentioned, "Godric Gryffindor had his wife keep the dragons away from the school in their time-

"And I keep out of my time! Har har har, just a bit of historian humour for everyone to enjoy!"
"Don't you mean ghost humour?"
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] "I haven't the slightest idea what you're getting at. Yes, I suppose history is populated with ghosts, but-"
"For God's sake, Minerva, now you've done it!"

Since Folken's our latest ~*special*~ character, obv this will lead to him fighting the dragon redemption blah blah do it right this time you bastard blah pussy blah. In the meantime, let's see the Said name so tarnished that he even feels it from Groundhog Day Hell, where he is forced to play Ned Ryerson. His revenge is making them talk like Pokemon... or it would be, if it wasn't an improvement in the dialogue.

Quote :: pondered Folken.
"[Sprout blah]," pointed out Professor Sprout.
"[McG blah]," cut in McGonagall, "what is there for us to do?"
"[Rumpelstiltskin's escape]," brought up Flitwick, then- "[notice Dumbledore is not present...COINCIDENCE? I think not!]."
"[Eries blah]?" asked Eries suddenly, and the staff looked at her.
"[reason]," reasoned Professor Vector, "[Vector blah]"
"[I'm an assholioliole]," contradicted Folken[...].
"[finally some attention]!" said McGonagall [...]
"[gasp]," gasped Sybil Trelawney. She sat motionless for a few minutes, then, glumly, "[Sybil blah]." [...].
"[Snape blah]?" remarked Snape sarcastically. "[Snape blargh]."
"[Eries tell]," Eries told him briefly, and then suggested, "[suggestion]?"
Folken was very tempted to say, "One time was quite enough- besides, you don't know how to fix my bionic arm back on after." He sensed this would probably be deemed highly inappropriate; and it just wasn't his character to do that. [Major Inconsistency is dying from laughter]
"[Hagrid blah]?" argued Hagrid from his wide berth of a chair.
"Yes," agreed McGonagall sternly, "[McG agree]."
"I'll do it," decided Folken suddenly. "[Folken whine]."
"[Vector blah]?" asked Vector.
"My family has already had experience with this event occurring, and the others who knew me believe me dead."
"Oh, not all of them," muttered Eries darkly.
"Isn't it dreadful?" Snape whispered to Eries, trying to curry favor, "He's speaking of himself in the past tense already!"
"Really? I hadn't noticed," replied Eries.
Folken stood up. "Anyway," he assured them, "I am quite sure I'll do slightly better this time."

All of these lines are very close together, don't let the ellipses fool you. Past Me loved this passage. "Listen to them all having different personalities!" Uh... no.
When Snape finds something 'dreadful', it's because he's interested in putting it in his bathwater. Folken speaking of himself in the past tense is just a reason to break open the psychedelics.

Quote :: Folken left the room, and several minutes later, there was the sound of a small explosion. The staff ran out into the hall, and saw only a solitary black feather.

Here I thought the older ones molted more. I think Van's just balding.

Quote :: None of them except Eries would have understood the significance of this, and she snatched up the feather before anyone else could see it.

Not a feather! They might think the school houses owls!

Quote :: By the time he reached the area surrounding the dragon, he was slightly winded, and stopped by a tree to catch his breath.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Whoops, gone. Should've sent Van, what with that proven track record and all.

Quote :: The dragon was in a stupor. She could not even remember her own name, only remembering that at one time there had been no voice in her head telling her to do something. What consciousness she had left was telling her that she wanted to go back to the time when she knew her name and there had been no commands in her mind. She moved her head- the only liberty that was not being controlled- and saw several black feathers.

We spoke too soon, Folken's a-moltin' away. OMG if the dragon's female does that mean we're about to learn about her eggs or... what does a dragon call its young? I seem to recall Tamora Pierce using "kits".

Quote :: The dragon noticed that the wings of the man were black, and this doubly overjoyed her.
The Dragon as she approached suddenly let a wave of fire escape her mouth.

DUN DUN DUN.
Yoda could've come up with a better phrase than "The Dragon as she approached suddenly".

Finally back to the Author's Notes! Aw, it's like coming home to the murder house after America and finding it trashed yet dusty (how the former owner managed that, I have no idea. Must've been listening to some ~~Barenaked Ladies~~damn, I'm out of American references already?!).

Quote :: A/N: Come on, you know you couldn't escape an at least part-cliffhanger through this.

Captain Psychic is my excuse for knowing, but, unfortunately, I think we were all aware of that old axe looming above us.

Quote :: Anyway, your reviews will still continue to make my day.

Finally something I can't argue with.

Quote :: But what I desperately need to know is who the other new teachers should be.

Nooo, what you desperately needed to know was how to stop losing at life. I'm cruel because I ~~don't~~ care.

Quote :: Remember, there is one for Mathematics and Social Studies.

... both together? "How many years after the Goblin Wars ended was the Vampire Strife?"

Quote :: Pour moi, Dryden comes to mind for Mathematics.

Pour moi, je pense que tu dois ferme la bouche, ma petite. Aussi: sacrée répétition, Batman!

Quote :: Tell me what you think (because seriously, Hogwarts cannot keep on running with two classes and no one to teach them- Professor Winky, anyone? Or perhaps Professor Mimsy-Porpington, alias Nearly-Headless Nick?)

I kind of like those suggestions LOL. Ungreat minds again. Not that Hogwarts would run courses that had no one to teach them... I think. It's a pretty wacky school. One that needs more portrait teachers, now that I put my ungreat mind to the matter.

Quote :: BTW, the chapter's title is because different people at Hogwarts are all doing something different than they normally would have done, and strongly feel the consequences of it. The title 'Into the Lairs of Dragons' is the metaphor for that.

Well I'm definitely feeling the consequences of Past Me using the word 'metaphor'. The title "Heartburn" is the literal description for that.

Well, sheesh, still 3 chapters and possible unpublished content (I've tried not to look; hasn't been hard) left. Each chapter has been so damn long - though I think they get shorter after this - and the snark has been even longer. Most threads don't seem to drag it out this long, so Idk. Is it still cool for me to continue? Have I done too much?

My friends and I have recently established that I'm a creep (I like it because it comes with a theme song!), so I may creep through with the rest of my creepy fic anyway. But I am kind of interested in knowing what the general limit is on these things. I could more easily conquer gravity than I could brevity.

ellecue wrote:: Most threads don't seem to drag it out this long, so Idk. Is it still cool for me to continue? Have I done too much?

(...)But I am kind of interested in knowing what the general limit is on these things. I could more easily conquer gravity than I could brevity.

IMHO, threads tend to be shorter rather than longer because the OP gets bored and stops going at it. I think the fact that people who are reading the snarks but not snarking themselves will typically leave a fangirling comment somewhere upthread and then stop giving their input because they do not have anything constructive to add, even though they are still reading (and presumably enjoying), might having something to do with that as well. Continuing to snark chapter after chapter when no one is giving you feedback gets tedious, I think. Then again, maybe that is just me, I am pretty selfish like that.

IDK, I think on the green boards I did at least one snark that was almost as long. My fav snark of all time must have been about as long, but it had two people doing each chapter seperately IIRC. Reunited was pretty long as well, although that one was also a bunch of different people. Ideally the OP posts a link and snarks a small portion of whatever fic it is and other people join in, but it very rarely works out that way. So... uh... I would like for you to keep going.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Reepicheep-chan wrote:: IMHO, threads tend to be shorter rather than longer because the OP gets bored and stops going at it. I think the fact that people who are reading the snarks but not snarking themselves will typically leave a fangirling comment somewhere upthread and then stop giving their input because they do not have anything constructive to add, even though they are still reading (and presumably enjoying), might having something to do with that as well. Continuing to snark chapter after chapter when no one is giving you feedback gets tedious, I think. Then again, maybe that is just me, I am pretty selfish like that.

IDK, I think on the green boards I did at least one snark that was almost as long. My fav snark of all time must have been about as long, but it had two people doing each chapter seperately IIRC. Reunited was pretty long as well, although that one was also a bunch of different people. Ideally the OP posts a link and snarks a small portion of whatever fic it is and other people join in, but it very rarely works out that way. So... uh... I would like for you to keep going.

This is very informative. Thanks! I was a lurker on a whole lotta colours of the boards, but I never thought too much about how it worked until now when I'm doing it. Keep going I will!

Chapter Eighteen (part one): Being Right was not something I was good at. At least this one didn't kill off the Last Chapter Title Fairy.

Some background: most of this fic was written in the spring/summer of 2001. This chapter was written a year later, and the next a year after that. So this is around the time when I started shaking things up and, later, sabotaging my own fic, because I had gotten bored. Not to mention that by the next chapter, I began to get an idea of how bad it was, and fired Major Death-Nevermind and rescinded a few of his directives. Of course, only now am I getting the full brunt of the utter horror of Lashings of Stupidity.

[color=black]

Spoiler:

Quote :: A spell snapped, and thirteen people felt it break as threads on a loom would.

That reminds me of another place I never got to go on a school field trip: the local Pioneer Village. How did I get so stiffed? This is why, once I got to university, I spent thousands to travel hours away to get nipped by foot-long worms or stung by coral & jellyfish. Because the only memorable field trip was the one where we ventured into the Malaysian jungle and got bitten by leeches. Noticing a pattern here...

Quote :: Thread left a mess behind afterwards, as did the spell.

That's because the spell bent before snapping. Also, am nominated for the next Potter Award. Not sure whether to root for or against myself.

Quote :: The dragon, however, felt wonderful, recalling her name as being Ariel.

Shala lalalala don't be scared,
You got de mood prepared, you got to kill de boy...

Quote :: The dragon breathed on more fire, gentle but hot.

Ah, gentle but hot fire. Bastard mutant child of 'Cold Ice Age' and 'Gentle Hail'.

Quote :: She aimed it towards Folken, who ducked and reached for his sword, but still received a blast of fire on his arm.

Burn, baby burn! *flails arms discoly* Eternal President Ly would like to point out the great munificence of the Democratic Republic of Suck's outreach gift of adverbs to the deprived, depraved people of South Suck What? No, Major, I was not hailing the Bottoms Up Submarine with semaphore... but if the men are all here...

Quote :: To his great surprise, it didn't hurt or even burn at all.

DAMMIT. Captain Psychic storms off with a flounce, saying he's been pissed on enough for one day.

Quote :: In fact, it seemed as if a way of conversation, saying, 'Who are you? Who are you, please?'

Hey! You know what this means? Eragon stole from me too! My badfic, I cannot escape it *weeps*

Quote :: "Well," said Folken, "if you really must know, my name is Folken Fanel."

The 'if you really must know' is a nice touch, but I'm not convinced. Folken usually responds with something sassy like "A professor" or "A man". This disclosure on his part is comparable to everyone else's diarrhea of secrets.

Quote :: As he spoke, he realized the absurdity of introducing yourself to the dragon you were about to slay, and laughed.
More fire came, and the message this time was, 'Folken Fanel. A Dragon God?'

*headdesk* the angel thing wasn't enough, now I have to make him a god? Capital G and everything? Am picturing Willy Wonka's Glass Elevator shooting into space, except this time it's the Stuometer and Folken has just broken its glass ceiling.

Quote :: Folken was very surprised at this. "What! Well, yes, half."

Not surprised enough, if he cops to it all, "Yeah, that's my fam for you."

Oh General Exposition, you just want attention now that the Bottoms Up boys have come around, don't you? Well, eating beans for supper and letting out this is not the way to get it:

Quote :

Quote :: They mentioned a Lord Voldemort?'
"Yes, he's supposed to be quite the antagonist.

I hate when Past Me walks up to the fourth wall and blows her nose on it. I know how snotty I can be, and it doesn't bode well for the wall.

Quote :: "Although that's good, you don't want to endanger yourself. If you plan to take action, be careful and take him unawares," cautioned Folken.

Voldemort and his consorts
Are loving your despair,
Voldemort and his consorts
Are no more worse for wear,
Voldemort and his consorts
Are chasing dragon pairs,
'Cause on booze-days they all like to
Catch them unawares!

Lord Folken and his dragon
Are lost in soulful stares,
Lord Folken and his dragon
Have fire that never flares,
Lord Folken and his dragon
Just want some teddy bears...
Now, Folken says that she should just
'Take V. unawares'!?

Whoops, guess I'm rooting for the Empire *shrugs...EVILLY*

Quote :: 'If you say the word, every dragon will follow it. We were created by your kind, and worship them as befits their name. But how are you to return without anyone noticing your wings?'

Oh crap, Folken Dolittle and his Dragon Friends. I'm begging you, mermaid dragon, don't become his sidekick!

Quote :: Folken remembered something. "Dragon scales are said to be almost impenetrable to magic. How exactly would such a curse have been placed on you?"
'There were many, in a group. They were following tracks to the dragon lairs, and must have been searching for our kind. Then, they found me.'

Well, duh, it was a booze-day (Teavil started getting out of hand once an Ogden joined the DEs).

Quote :: She bowed down to Folken–a remarkable sight–and flapped her powerful wings to leave.

Limbs just aren't allowed to be weak in this fic. How very ablist.

Quote :: Meanwhile, Mulciber (who had been dubiously cleared of Death-Eating) was standing behind a tree, far out of the range of both fire & good vision, not believing his eyes.

Oh, he should've fried in your flames tonight,
It must've been something I did,
This fic is way too lame,
I should've walked away!

Yeah, I'm not sure where they're all coming from either. LOL@ 'Death-Eating' up there though.

Quote :: When Folken arrived in the Great Hall of the school, he found himself alone. This was when he withdrew his dark wings, and donned his robes.

WTF, he couldn't even head to a tower, he had to do that right in the middle of the freaking Great Hall? Maybe he's starting to need a diaper to keep his secrets in too.

Quote :: The professors there were anxiously awaiting a verdict, but seemed disappointed to see Folken, because, as Snape said, "Back so soon? You didn't have much time to do a thorough job."
"I didn't. The dragon had been placed under a controlling curse by the one you call Lord Voldemort, and it broke. She left peacefully, and we're alive."

Folken should be ~~cleaning up after~~ working under Percy, what with his talent of removing the emotion from everything and summarising it in about half the words it needs. I think they would balance each other out.

Quote :: "How do you know the dragon was female?" asked Trelawney, who was actually quite irritable upon gender issues.
"Well, Ariel is a female name, isn't it? So what should we do now?"

LOLOLOL this is how you know I was twelve when I wrote this.

Quote :: "You named the dragon?" said Flitwick dubiously. "You gave a violent, rampaging dragon a nickname, like you'd name a pet?"
Hagrid looked intrigued.

I can't read this thread without continually cracking up at myself, but occasionally even Past Me pulls a laugh out of me. Yet another reason I know I wrote this.

Oh crap. I take back my laugh (I don't care if that makes the Little Mermaid cry!). Here's another "You-Know-Who-But-I-Don't-So-Who" (ouch! had to put the hair shirt on again) scene. Folken takes Eries' V-card:

Quote :: McGonagall wasn't ready to dismiss the larger issue at hand. "So it was You-Know-Who at the bottom of this all along?"
"Pardon me?" asked Eries.
"You-Know-Who has been doing evil," repeated McGonagall impatiently.
"No, who exactly is You-Know-Who?" persisted Eries.
"The notorious Lord Voldemort, whom I've just mentioned. The nickname, grown from the people's love of him, originates from both his infamy and instilling of terror," Folken said.
"You really didn't know?" Professor Flitwick said to Eries incredulously.
Eries shook her head. "I come from foreign parts."
"You must! To not know him..."
"...is the error all of us made until he grew too dangerous," cut in Snape as Eries' defense.

I'm fixating on those last few words; "Cut In Snape As Eries' Defense" sounds like the kind of message spies send to each other.

Quote :: "People, let's stop with the dialogue going on. If this is an ultimately important occasion, we can't be sitting hear exchanging rabble," said Folken, acting much as he would in his war conferences.

Instead, we can abuse the thesaurus! Major Word sighs and prepares himself for demotion.

I think this is when I finally realised that Frontpage Express (yes, that is seriously what I used. Half Front, half page, half press) had a thesaurus feature. Not that I don't use that feature today - in Word, like regular people - but I use it to find words that are better. Sometimes even *gasp* shorter. I know, that's just ~~preposterous~~ ~~absurd~~ silly.

Quote :: "Now, I have just told you that your nemesis has just controlled a dragon into destroying the surrounding area while heading towards the school. Apparently, there were a large group looking for the dragon lairs. The dragons will be warned already by this time. If the congregation doesn't attempt this stunt again, we may very well be perfectly safe for the meantime. If they do, we could find several dead bodies on our hands."

Thesauri, bleeding the style away,
On my way to where the words are clear,
Can you tell me how to write, how to write with 4-letter words?

Don't look at me that way! I have to make this interesting somehow. Okay fine, I'm addicted to filking now. Happy?
Unnecessary Writer was so Unnecessary here that she is being sued for plagiarism... of herself (which begs the question of who's suing her).

Quote :: "Dead bodies? What about the violent dragons?" Professor Vector yelled out.

Yes LMAO I feel like they could somehow be related.

Quote :: "Don't be ridiculous, Hagrid," broke in Snape coldly. "Of course it won't be. Great beasts, roaming the grounds? I hope not."
"They won't do that," said Hagrid indignantly. "Dragons're smart, yeh know. They aren't bad. Not like ev'ryone says."

Do you ever wonder if Snape talks ~~like this~~ to Hagrid much?
"Good evening, Hagrid, I've come for the-"
"C'mere, you gotta help me hold 'im down! He's gonna-"
"BLOODY HELL!" *leaps into water trough*
"Yeh, guess he had it sneakin' up already. You never know with Bizenmords. Got an extra pair of robes you can use."
*sticks head out* "Don't be ridiculous, Hagrid. Of course they won't fit." *pause* "How much bile do you think we can extract between the clothes and the water?"
"We start squeezin' and boilin' soon, should get a fair cupful."
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] "... that's thirty Galleons."
"I'll get me robes, the spit and some ale, eh?"
"Selkie brand?"
"You know it."
*sighs* "Well, maybe this trip won't be a total failure after all. But this is not where I wanted to be taking off my clothes tonight."

I agree with Snape. After my investigation into the subject matter, I never want to hear the word 'Snagrid' again. Second Lieutenant Snagrid is being deported to North Suck tonight.

Quote :: "Well," suggested Eries, "we might want to notify the students that the siege is over by now."
"No," objected Professor Vector sharply, "we still have business to go over, and the students will live. Now, let's move on to our other topics. As you all know, we still have two teaching posts that are not being filled up."

Vector, you are full of LOLs! I think you are my new fave.

Quote :: "I have an idea," said Flitwick. "We have a castle full of ghosts and magical beings. Let us ask them if one of them wants to volunteer." [...]
"Wouldn't that be exploitation?" said Folken.

I'm actually going to pull out the Iron-E Meter for this one: [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]. Rumpleflitwick, enslaver of ghosts. Folken the Destroyer, complaining about exploitation.

Quote :: Snape looked at him in a facetious way. "Come, you have your lovely young... charges. They hold less purpose than the ghosts do, and eat more in the meantime."

Facetious Snape: [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]. Although every time I try to picture F!S in my mind, he morphs into a scary clown.
IMO Snape should stop trying to push away the loves of his life and enjoy the mousing services they provide. Pretty sure that's what they're eating.

Quote :: "We could at least wait several days before that, couldn't we?" said Folken. "Someone might want a job somewhere along the way."

Take that, outsourcing! Oh, wait...

MEANWHILE... Fred & George are forced to be unfunny, making me imagine that they are turning purple from the unnaturalness of this scene:

Quote :: "Oh, don't be silly," said Hermione. "There is no such thing as fate, let alone tempting it. Although with your superstition, you'd probably say fate is a person."
"Hermione," said Fred, coming into the conversation with a solemn face, "you might find this hard to believe-"
"Yes," butted in George, leading Hermione over to a chair and sitting her down in it. "You definitely need to sit down."
"Fate is actually a female country singer- or was it a place? George, what was it again?"
George screwed up his face to think. "Hm, I'm not sure- maybe it's both. With a name like Fate Hill, it's hard to tell."
Hermione burst out laughing. "You mean Faith Hill?"
Fred looked offended. "Of course, I'm sure," he sniffed haughtily. "Laugh at me because I don't know these things, why don't you."

Hermione will laugh because she has every Faith Hill CD ever and knows the lyrics by heart and you deserve to die if you don't!1!!1!!!11!

Ugh, my well of funny has run out. These just get harder to do, what with the... I'm not even sure what it is. I guess they just feel like they're taking too long. I've been doing this one on and off since the afternoon with random avocados along the way (you can see how that would tire a person out). Part Two to follow.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Whoops, I can't believe I left off after Part 1 of Chapter 18: Peeing Blight. Not very good of me. If it helps, a fair amount of this had been in drafts since Aug 20th... no? Doesn't help? Well, I left the Murder House for college residence - fortunately, the depravity levels did not change - so I've just woken up from a seven-month party. I'm pretty sure it happens to every forum member at some point or another, given the rich and fulfilling lives we lead.

I warmed up by writing a snark fic in another post (based off of a crossover, of course). Eternal President Ly may have been involved, so we're passing it off as peace talks. Now I am back where I belong, ready to carry out my mission to the death - the natural death, if it continues at this pace.

We last left off with the intrepid Gryffindors, bravely withstanding the long wait during their Code Hogwarts with great courage (this statement sponsored by the Spot the Tautology Committee... what? the war with North Suck is taking a lot out of the budget). Then comes a tremendously unfunny exchange that is only going to be exchanged for an even worse one.

Spoiler:

Quote :: Harry was not to be deterred. "Why would they imprison us up here?" he burst out angrily. "We've just done all the safety procedures, what else is there for us to do but worry?"

"Yeah, the bag attached to my mask didn't even inflate!"
"I just don't understand you anymore. How could you put yours on before mine?"
"I'm supposed to!"
"Try telling that to my HEART."

Quote :: "It's probably a fire nearby or something," said Ron.

"No, it's a great beast of a dragon, Ron," said George, not knowing how right he was.

You'd think this conversation would go the other way around. Harry must've spent some lot of his Hogwarts life going "Bzuh?" whenever something came up that had the Muggleborns all "CARNAGE BRIMSTONE WHAT IS GOING ON" and someone nearby was like "LOL don't worry she tried to turn her Puffskein into a Tribble, in a few hours its organs will go back in and stop squirting hellfire."

Which is to say that the dragons would be their first guess, not some wimpy thing about fire. For heaven's sake, their brother works with dragons.

Quote :: Dilandau had a very vivid and graphic imagination, which would have probably horrified girls like Parvati and Lavender.

Pssh, he just thinks that because he doesn't know what goes on in the girls' dorm at night. That probably would've horrified him.

Quote :: Ginny came over to talk to him, as he was alone, as was she. "So," she began.

"Yeah," said Dilandau. That was how all their conversations went, with Ginny saying, "So," and Dilandau replying, "Yeah." Then they'd find something to talk about, and after that, there would be a silence, then the whole cycle starting again. Everyone who had noticed this had either laughed or been horribly bored.

Put me down for the latter, bookie. I think this was based on conversations I had with one of my classmates around this time, though I don't remember who. Not a surprise, since the description hardly makes it sound like we made sweet memories together.

Well, that was a horrific foray into "writing what you know". The conversation's only going to get worse, though.

Quote :: "What exactly are you doing?" Ginny asked Dilandau warily.

"Burning paper. It's fun, you should try it."

"No, watching you have fun is so rewarding for me, I never need anything else."

"Even better, more paper for me than." Dilandau clapped his hands as a strip of parchment burst into particularly furious flame.

Paper? I mean, there's a forest downstairs, but screw historical precedent, right?

Quote :: "You really would have liked being in the throes of a burning Hell, wouldn't you?"

"All except the going to Hell. It would oblige too many people."

"Who, exactly? Van, I know, but who else?"

"Sadly, Folken made Van and I call a truce. Other people who would want to send me to Hell would be that brother you have in my classes, Fanelians, probably part of the Zaibach army, Allen Schezar... I can't remember any more, although I'd be able to provide you with a bigger list by next week," offered Dilandau.

"I think it would be too long."

"Why do you think I'd need until next week? I'd have to write it up!"

*wah wah wah waaaaaah*
Is Ginny in collusion with Evildore now, too? Why else is she so eager to know who hates him? Particularly since most of his haters are in another world.

This conversation just gets more boring. I think this is what kept me from finishing the chapter, although I knew I'd have to get back to it at some point. That's OK, the radioactive orange of Kraft Dinner will fuel me through it.

Quote :: Did you know some girls have started a Professor deFanel fan club?"

Dilandau looked at Ginny, and began laughing his usual maniacal laugh. This attracted the attention of many Gryffindors, who looked over rather nervously. One extremely brave (and inquisitive) second-year came over.

"What's so funny?" she wanted to know.

"The... Folken... fan...club," gasped Dilandau.

"The who?" asked the girl.

Well, it's definitely a teenage wasteland.

We already went over this stupid idea, though! I'm tired of having to pay off General Repetition. Again, this is me being obsessed with the idea of clubs. I think what I really wanted out of life was to be invited to join a Babysitters Club and have 10 instant bffs. Nowadays, I have found better ways to work off those urges. I force my teen Sims to be unpaid nannies to their siblings while their parents try to make more, then cheat to give them friends because they have no time for a social life. Oh Sims, my fics would be so terrible if I didn't have you to take things out on. Maybe the real problem was that I wrote this before The Sims existed.

Quote :: "Oh yes, you're talking about Professor deFanel! I'm ever so grateful to that other man who called out his name- we never would have found out otherwise. Really, it's a good name for the club. I'll suggest it to the others at our next meeting." The girl whipped a notepad from her robes and a pencil from behind her ear. "Although I don't quite see what's so funny..." She went away puzzled.

Dilandau stared after the girl, his eyebrows raised. "She's one of them. They're all fools, really. What's the point in being a fan of their teacher who is far older than them?"

Dammit, Dilandau! Don't take away my chance to make fun of you for being a girl! I had a crush on my English prof in first year, who retired after that course, so at least I eventually learnt 'the point'.

Quote :: "Actually, the club has girls from the first year to the seventh year. I think the 7th year girls are actually very hopeful.

Actually.

Quote :: Dilandau snorted. "It would be so fun if I went to the meeting and told them everything I knew about Strategos!"

"No!" Ginny was shocked. "You can't do that, you'd probably get him in some kind of trouble!

Please, the girls wouldn't listen, they'd just take Dilandau as another fan, just one obsessed enough to make up crazy stories about the object of his desire and then believe it. I know. I didn't realise until after I got out of the Murder House how Titanic actually went; based on the creative overdub, I thought it was a movie where Kate Winslet used mystical witch powers to summon an iceberg and turn herself into a necklace so she could reunite with her serial killer love under the sea. Am torn as to my favourite version.

Surprised Ginny's not letting someone reveal secrets on a public stage. I suspect she is a member, as the 'actually' passage seems to hint that way too.

Quote :: And what other teacher would you have that would let you get away with so many things?" Ginny slyly brought up.

Dilandau sighed heavily. " I suppose so. What's-His-Name, Snack or something-"

"Snape," supplied Ginny helpfully.

"Yes. See, he's not even important enough for me to remember his name. He wouldn't let me do anything unless I beat him up first, probably."

Still vaguely amused at Professor 'Snack'. As penance, will shower without running the water the 30 minutes needed to warm it up (dorm punishments have to be a little more mundane, sorry).

Would point out the silliness of Dilandau talking about letting a teacher keep him from doing something in a hilarious fashion, but I just want to skip their terrible conversation. General Exposition won't put out (and Major Writing Flaws won't stop sending threats) until I post it, though, so here it is:

Quote :: There was a silence, then Ginny said, "So."
"Yeah."
"Anyways."
"What should we talk about now?"
"Did you know Gryffindor has -46 points right now?"
Dilandau smirked. "Of course I do, I was the one who caused it all."
"How did you manage that, by the way?"
"By being on my good behavior; compared to my bad behavior, that is."
"You're just lucky there isn't a school psychologist. They'd die to get their hands on you for a case study."
"What's a psychologist?" Dilandau had never heard the term.
"Someone to deal with emotional, spiritual and mental problems. Anything other than physical, anyway."
"What a load of bull." Dilandau dismissed this simply.
Ginny shrugged. "Maybe it is–I don't think so. Even if it was, it's probably a job you'd admire."
Dilandau laughed again. "Why?"
"Well, if it's as useless as you say, that just proves that the job is full of crooked people who make their livings dishonestly."
"In which case, you're right."
Ginny sighed deeply. "I wish they'd let us out, or at least tell us what happened."
"If they hadn't sent us up here, you do realize that you would have been up here anyway?" pointed out Dilandau smugly.
"ARGH. Don't remind me."
"You would have been up here anyway."
"The weather is good, I might have gone outside instead," argued Ginny mildly.
"But you wouldn't have."
"Nope."
"Harsh luck."
"Very. What can I say? I'm a home-and-hearth person, as mum would say."
"I don't have a home, nor do I want one."
"Everyone wants somewhere to stay," said Ginny virtuously, quoting her mother again.
"Let us keep in mind that I'm not everyone."

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Wha?! Oh right, snark. Sorry, fell asleep. I think that might've been the worst conversation we've seen yet, which is saying a lot. I bet I was real proud of the 'snappy banter' involved.

Quote :: McGonagall looked around the room, waiting for the noise to stop, before speaking. This took a remarkably short time, and she then spoke.

Sheesh, I bet it took less time to quiet down then it did to describe the process.

Quote :: "There has been a dragon on the loose around this area." As the students murmured, shocked, amongst each other, she had to clear her throat several times to get their attention before continuing.

Are we sure that's not just a hairball? Speaking of, why doesn't McGonagall ever interact with the cat-twins?

"So you're saying that you can turn into a cat... a full cat... and then you turn back?"
"Ew. Professor, that makes me sad just thinking about it."
"Oh, and you two are ones to talk, are you?"
*they all try to outstretch and outyawn each other*
"Whatever. Where are the best mousing areas in the castle?"
"Find your own! There's a fun trick I like to play on the owls, though, follow me..."
*passing Mrs. Norris*
"I never know what I'm supposed to do when I see one of those."

Quote :: "The problem has been subdued, and everything is under perfect control. Yes, Mr. Finnegan, perfect control."

Aw, I missed how stupid my formatting was. Again, I make something look doubtful that wasn't even in doubt.

Quote :: "It was phenomenal," gasped Mulciber. "A man- bluish hair- with black wings, talking to the dragon. Immune to dragon fire."

"Surely an angel, my lord," muttered Crabbe anxiously.

"Silence," ordered Voldemort as he sat mulling it over, then grinned ghoulishly. "What was this angel saying to the dragon, Mulciber?"

I hear the Democratic People's Republic of Suck just acquired a troll that they feed with adverbs from Suck. I don't want to point fingers here, but I'm pretty sure the Spot the Tautology Committee has been getting even more overflow adverbs than usual. I mean, of course Voldemort's grin would be ghoulish, that goes without saying.

Quote :: "I could not tell, my lord," said Mulciber. "It was a-a wild language, with the rhythms of English, no similarity otherwise. The man with the blue hair-"

Haha English has wild rhythms now, does it? The phrase 'jungle boogie' was the only thing I could think of after that.

Whenever I try to picture Folken now, I never think of his hair as 'blue'. Blue-green always seemed like the best way to describe it, Idk. They may be following something of a false lead... but then again, the Death Eaters are mainly dudes, they probably don't put much attention into the colour of this:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Okay, I picked that pic to make myself feel better, since Folken's such a little bitch in this. Haha the look on his faaaaace.

Quote :: It was a foggy April morning that saw a man- rather scruffy in appearance- heading towards Hogwarts. He almost got lost several times due to his deep concentration in the heavy volume he was reading. However, he made Hogwarts in good time, entering the Great Hall inquisitively as breakfast began.

Eries, coming into the Hall, realized her brother-in-law, and headed over. "Oh! Eries, hello," greeted the man casually. "So this is where you chose to stay, dear sister? Looks nice enough."

"What are you doing here, Dryden?" Eries demanded.

This makes me think of whenever a fantasy story is trying to be mysterious, and the annoying Dungeon Master character always tells the protagonists they're asking the wrong questions. Is "How did you get here?" really not the first question to pop into mind?

Quote :: "You'd be tossed out of court, along with the palace, then what? You're a princess! You have no idea how to survive out on the streets!

"Get out, Eries! And take your palace with you!" Maybe Evildore is just pulling a Carmen Sandiego and is trying to steal buildings from Gaea. Where in the world, indeed.

Quote :: "Well..." Dryden shrugged. "I didn't think it would come to this, but..." He sighed. "You're staying here, I'm staying here too until you agree to come back."

"What? You can't do that, it's insane!"

"Au contraire, dear sister. In fact, I'll send Millerna weekly epistles. Oh, but the postage that would take!"

"Dryden! Get a hold of yourself! This is crazy.

Yeah, Dryden. Don't you have better ways to satisfy your bloodlust than letting innocents die for mail? Huh, maybe that's why I could never get my bills at the Murder House.

Quote :: "Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to have a post open for any jobs here, would you?"

"Yes, we have two," replied Dumbledore, eying Dryden's attire. "Mathematics and Social Studies teachers."

"Lovely. I'll take Social Studies. My name's Dryden Fassa."

"Any qualifications?"

"I pretty much know the whole geography and history of the whole Earth, several languages besides. I'm enterprising and motivated."

"Really?" Dumbledore eyed the ensemble again, somewhat surprised. "May I ask why you've decided to become a teacher then?"

"You may, but you'd be bored."

"Indeed!"

"Indeed. Would I be able to get the job, in that case?"

"Why, yes, of course you may; no one else has come for it, so you're welcome to it. We'll try you on a week's trial first. Shall we discuss business later?"

I've been wondering lately why it's so hard to get a job interview, but now I see that karma's nowhere near through with me for this.

You know, I don't think it was just the Defence Against the Dark Arts post that was cursed. Every single new teacher at the school seemed to fail spectacularly, so I guess there probably were sucky hiring practices at work.

Quote :: "What kind of far-fetched idea did you have in your head when you came to get your 'dear sister'?"

"I didn't, my dear sister."

"In-law."

Since 'my dear sister' is the kind of thing you only say to said sister to annoy her (I speak from experience), the only way to make this less annoying is to turn it into a drinking game. Read the chapter and prepare to need to get smashed!

Anyway, Dryden clumsily (fine, I'll feed the DPRS troll, it's kinda cute) adds to the hints that Folken and Eries are secretly engaged or some crap:

Quote :: He glanced in Folken's direction. "What about the Strategos, the Prince?"

Eries shook her head slowly. "Irritating."

The cocky smile on Dryden's face grew. "From the rumors I heard on the street, he'll be crowned for Zaibach."

"Why are you telling me this?" Eries didn't understand what this had to do with her.

Dryden looked taken aback, and scrutinized her face closely. "Why not?" he answered neutrally.

"There's something you aren't telling me." Eries simply stared steadfastly at Dryden. He turned away several seconds later, and Eries went back to her seat

Then Snape becomes the creepiest I've ever seen him, and I say this even having written some awful Snapefic:

Quote :: "If you ever need another room, I'd be happy to switch with you," offered Snape, smooth and then sarcastic, "Unless you'd rather share?"

UNSMOOTH, SNAPE, UNSMOOTH

Quote :: "Well, we all have our wands. I don't doubt you have your ways."

Feeling alarm at the mention of wands, she kept silent.

LOL I don't even think I meant for there to be innuendo there. 'We all have our wands' sounds like a pickup line in a Snape slashfic.

Quote :: Folken, glancing over, and served his favor to Eries admirably by taking the seat on the other side of her and asking her about Dryden.

What a shit,still counting 'favours' to her after being the guy in charge of attacking her country. I think I was trying to breeze past that 'unpleasantness' between them as quickly as possible. At the time, I was proud of the five minutes they spent 'resolving' it (so deep!1!!0). Scrolling up to laugh at that pic again.

Quote :: "You start classes tomorrow," he told Dryden him. "You'll have to arrange your timetables with the other teachers, though."

"Very well," said Dryden, and did just this. Most teachers halved their double periods for this- with the exception of Eries, that is.

Edit ~~fail~~ lack. Haha Dumbledore's the worst, forcing the teachers to uproot classes and decrease course hours (while still having to teach everything, I'm sure) amongst themselves while he merrily goes around hiring aliens and running their delivery service. I wonder if he's related to Kiki.

Quote :: "Don't you think it's odd, having all these new arrivals?" Hermione said, mild yet inquisitive.

"No," Ron contradicted her. "It's a rather wonderful type thing. Great phenomenon and all. Except most of them are devil-incarnates. Which just proves to make it even more phenomenal... right, I've got nothing. You take the soapbox, Hermione."

This was done with good will. "And–" she bustled up for a good row–"they know each other so well; a bit too well, I'm sorry to say, for them to cruise on without arousing suspicion. And have you seen any of them using their wands? The students come in at the fifth year, all hell-fire and violence, and no one even mentions which school they've transferred from. You just don't saunter in at the fifth year and not have trouble with the work!" Hermione was becoming agitated. "I have worked like...like a sled-dog for five years, and all of a sudden these foreign people just come along and flip about our world like a snow globe? Life shouldn't be so easy for them, like some joke that we don't know!"

A very feminine noise, starting at an irritated hum and rising to a tortured squeal, ripped from her throat. She stomped off angrily.

Conclusions: 1) Ron is still waaaay high (bada da da da da)
2) Hermione will start up a commission against outsourcing soon. It will be funnier than that show. Even coming from Past Me.
3) She will also become an ambulance siren.

More tiresome period jokes continue (I got periods like twice a year, Idk where I got the jokes from), and then we get this shocking and ironic bit of meta:

Quote :: No, she had not been herself.
Actually, that was the problem. She was too much herself, like a caricature with sinister overtures.

So I had defined out-of-characterness (hair shirt from hyphen overuse, ow), admitted that the character was not her normal self, and STILL not realised how bad Fake!Hermione was? Subconscious, I owe you an apology for all that wasted overtime you put in.

The fic has spent the chapter generally being useless and not advancing the plot. True to form. I think that this, though, is where I left the fic for a very long time, having grown tired of it, before hating it and wanting to ruin it in a massive explosion. The fuse gets lit in the next scene, though not well (about as much action as Twilight).

Quote :: Snape smirked. The inspector had come to the school the previous day. While he feared for his job, he was equally assured that the same fate rested for many others. That oaf Hagrid was rubbish at being a teacher, and that new girl was no better. Pretty, but no better. He had his ways of finding these things out.

As he walked through the hall, ensuring each and every student got a sneer (just to be fair)

Well, the fact that we have real!Snape back is encouraging. Will imagine that this inspector is an X-Man using a made-up job (hair shirt time again) to infiltrate, kill fake!Snape and sneak the real one back in. And then decides to be thorough and mindwipes real!Snape. Alas, X-Snape, we never knew ye. Your fic would have been so much better.

Quote :: "I wouldn't have thought it of him. Of course, we all know the crowd he associates with, students even, but–"

He drew closer. It sounded as though they might be talking about him. Not many people cared to talk about him, but when they did it was never complementary; this intrigued him.

"I was thinking about getting Snape to be a groomsman - keep it in the Death Eater family, so to speak. But then the wife-to-be says, 'You can't have him!'"
"Why was that?"
"Well, she wanted a sunny looking wedding, right, and she says he'll clash too much with the yellow robes."
"I know what she means. That's why I never invite him to Quidditch games anymore. Doesn't matter what the teams' colours are, there's always one that makes him look a fright."

^ JSYK, I picture Mitchell and Webb as the actors of this dialogue.

Quote :: "They reckon there was something in [Folken's] pumpkin juice. You-Know-Who's work, most like. A Bedlam Blend, I thought." A long, shuddering breath accompanied her words.

"It was horrible. There we were, in the staff room, and what do you know but he's got this long sword out. Thought he was showing it to us to admire, at first."

OH I BET HE WAS

Quote :: "He had his sword out, what do you think he was doing?

Confessions of a Fangirl: An Author Self-Sporks - Page 2 896582

Quote :: He struck Flitwick; he was alright but for a light wound. But it was Dumbledore who got the worst of it."
"No! He's not..."
"He will." One of them sniffled and was joined by the other.
"And what will they have done?"
"You know how the law here is; if you kill someone unimportant, you might get off. But this was Dumbledore, so we can only expect..."

I bet Flitwick set this up to free himself from miserable gold-weaving slavery, hence the 'light wound' to remove suspicion. LOL at that assessment of wizarding law; only 4 books were out at the time, but I think we've learnt that's pretty true.

Can't believe I kept telling stories second-hand... was I worried things would get too exciting? I still can't write action scenes (although I'm sure it's tempting to cut off the last two words of that), so I suppose I was avoiding it.

Quote :: "Yes... Azkaban. Life."
"The officials–thank goodness that inspector was here!–are considering the Kiss."

Wow wait, the inspector was a genuine Chekhov's gun? We've had so many misfires, I can't believe this one actually came to fruition. No way it would've worked out like that a year prior. I still want to believe it's an X-Man, trying to recruit Folken as their next winged guy. Haha of course the wizarding world doesn't care if Folken was 'under the influence'.

Quote :: "It is Albus Dumbledore, my dear. The man even has a Chocolate Frog card for himself." McGonagall became distraught. "He had a Chocolate Frog for himself, that is. Oh my..."
"He's not dead yet."
"Or is he? It's been an hour." She blew her nose loudly. "Though can you believe it? All those spells put in place against the Unforgivables and then someone goes in and slashes him through the side.

No wonder they weren't expecting it, slashing usually happens from behind. McGonagall's next move will probably be to go upstairs and change the password on the Head~~master's~~mistress' Office.

Quote :: Oh, it is ironic!"
"I think," corrected the other gently, "you mean to say it was serendipitous."
"No, I mean ironic."
"Actually, that's a commonly held misconception. See, the difference between serendipity and irony is actually–"
McGonagall stamped her foot. "This is most unkind of you! Professor Dumbledore is on the very brink of death and his killer is not yet subdued! I should think that even you, cold-hearted Amy Vector, would at least..."

Hahaha yup Vector's still my favourite.

The whole serendipity vs. irony thing sent me on a terrible flashback back to Grade 8, since it was that year's teacher was the one who always had that debate. Badfic is probably a fitting way to commemorate that year.

... oh, this is slow going, my droogies. Not much longer, I think.

Quote :: The kitchens were down the corridor where he was. Snape tiptoed as fast as he could away from them. When he realized he wasn't going fast enough, he ran instead to the nearest window and jumped out in a flurry of panic.
He forgot to consider that he was on the third floor in his wildly anxious state and landed with a hard thump.
It hurt very much.

Am starting to get worried about this fixation with windows. I wasn't lying when I said I broke my back jumping out of a 2nd story one a few years later (was bored, had crappy landing skills).

Quote :: Van was greeted in the Common Room by McGonagall when going down for breakfast. He blinked, surprised to see her there, but said a hello politely and headed off.
She intercepted him and blew her nose. "No, stay. In fact, stop anyone who tries to leave, would you? I have an announcement to make."
Nodding in confusion, he moved over to the portrait hole and sat down. That would stop anyone trying to leave if his menacing scowl didn't.

Wouldn't his menacing scowl be more likely to make people more likely to leave?

Quote :: It was a while before all the Gryffindors congregated. By then, the chatter had risen from a puzzled murmur to a positively dazed roar of words.

Aw, students are doing it for themselves! With this many actions getting unlocked, we may one day be able to buy a set of words people would actually use!

Quote :: "I have some terrible news to tell you. It may distress you, so I would advise you to listen."

McGonagall has such good incentives, she should work for a car dealership.

Quote :: Van smiled slightly. If you wanted people to listen, you had to hint at its credence. It was gratifying to see he wasn't the only one to employ that tactic. His respect for his house teacher rose.

I'm surprised I didn't die from thesaurus overdose.

Quote :: He shifted impatiently; that strategy worked too well, and he wished the others would just stop talking. The news might change his life around, which would be good. This place got boring, truth be told.

Oh, so that's where the 10' neon "CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR" sign went.

Quote :: it was very hard to take the loss of the old man. Van had found Dumbledore suspiciously nice at first, but he'd warmed to him later on. He'd always been so happy. So damn happy. Angry by now, Van thought that he couldn't be too happy anymore if he was dead.

Narrrrrm. LOL Van's talked to Dumbledore once, right?

Quote :: "How did he die, Professor?" a young girl had called out after an idiot had asked what deceased meant.
McGonagall pursed her lips together. "From a wound." Jumping off the table

Folken sure has left behind his legacy of answering questions snittily. Also I'm just amused at the image of McGonagall jumping off a table in front of students. Like she really can't make an announcement without getting on a table? How very Muggle of her.

FINALLY THE CHAPTER ENDS.

Author's Note Explains it All.

Quote :: A/N: So I stopped writing for about a year right through Hermione's rant, but I lost interest in the piece.

The outsourcing rant? Huh, maybe the meta was more self-aware than I thought. Captain Psychic's still going to try to angle for a raise with that little factlet. And then I delayed again on the sporking of this chapter... how depressing that this version of Past Me is the one I chose to emulate and not, say, the fun, pretty 17-year-old rebel.

Quote :: I've attempted to read the posted chapters several times, but could not because every time there was a realistic lull, what did I do but go and find something scandalous to make up about one Gaean or another! But I have to finish it so I can at least re-edit it extensively, starting by taking away the majority of the scads of gratuitous violence.

The only reason there were lulls was because ~~you~~I could never handle putting in anything that would lead to any consequences! Ha, I thought the violence was the only problem? So much growing to do. This was my in-between stage of thinking the fic was salvageable yet.

Quote :: Let's just say that as a teenager, my interests have shifted slightly and I am more insecure about my writing, hopefully because it's gotten better. Take a look at more recent pieces of mine, please, so you can judge.

OH YEAH SOOOOO MUCH MORE MATURE NOW huh? All caps doesn't prove Present Me's case for being a grownup I guess. Like I said, one of the pieces Past Me is referring to involves Snape as Voldemort's grandson growing up in a cave and being a cowboy. So no, don't take a look look at it. Feel free to keep judging though.

Quote :: I will accept any offers from writers to finish this piece for me.

You know, I said that then, but when someone did offer, I ignored it or pretended I didn't want it anymore or something. Their writing was worse than mine (inconceivable, I know), and I realised that I was less happy with the idea of someone else stomping all over it than I thought. It was going to be my bootprints on it, dammit. It's pretty well stomped now; I welcome stompage from... well, I keep wanting to say GAFFers, but I mean all y'all.

Quote :: This is why, boys & girls, you never claim greatness of anything belonging to you until you let it go for a long time.

At least we can count on Unnecessary Writer to continue being Unnecessary. I have to admit to following this convoluted advice, though; I try to revisit fics from after I took that stick out of my ass to make sure they aren't as bad as this one, at least. Most of them haven't done too badly standing the test of time - at worst, they're just mediocre.

Quote :: Now, if I could just claim that half my work was drivel, I'm sure I'd be better off.

Past Me wrote this, sure, but thought "NOOOOO I can't my great little fics I tried." But at least half of my work is drivel, probably more. Would rather not figure out too closely. They say it takes the first million words, and I'm only maybe a quarter of the way there.

Quote :: Tell me in your reviews.

Well, I had to check out that chapter's review, after reading that flame bait (gee, I was still awfully pushy about how to review, wasn't I?)...

Nope, apparently I was great, inspirational, creative, different, and brought someone to virtual tears.

On a lighter note, if Evildore dies, the Gaeans are trapped on Earth and can never get back. These tools of Tooks separated from their ~*tragic*~ families forever now? I feel much better.

Whew. This is probably going to have to be the last of the full-out sporking now that it's gotten difficult to make this funny. I mean, all the outrageous spontaneous sword fights have been replaced by droning so-called banter! I disagree with Past Me that this was a good move. Maybe I will manage to find secret unpublished material that will open the floodgates of the Crap River once more. The last two chapters aren't going to be able to get their own snark-filled post, but I will do a little follow-up post to go over the ridiculous things that happen in them, as well as author's notes.

After all, Chapter 19 - Oops! No Name! does end on this high note:

Quote :: Laughing, Van turned to the corner and undid his trousers, but he twisted his head to Harry again. "Until you decide, Harry, I'll be waiting."

And yet Past Me was oblivious to the innuendo. Or, in this case, ~~straight~~ subtext.

And Chapter 20 - A Hard Place Confessions of a Fangirl: An Author Self-Sporks - Page 2 8638

Confessions of a Fangirl: An Author Self-Sporks - Page 2 8638

has:

Quote :: [Van] reached out slowly to unfasten Harry's robes, hoping to find something [snipped for fun], but Harry's arm shot out and wrapped around his wrist.

Side question - is the formatting on my sig screwed up? Whenever I edit it, it looks fine in the preview, but then it ruins itself in the posts.

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