Confessions of a Fangirl: An Author Self-Sporks

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Oh, this spork is a special one to me. In fact, it is me, from both ends. Like the ultimate threesome, except we got stuck with Major Disappointment from the land of Suck in the middle, and he's old, shitty, and impotent.

Inklings of Celebrity
Pretentious, ie multi-syllabic (when you're 12, it's the same thing), and meaningless title? Check!

Quote :: Chapter One: Summer Days

Another prize title: Grease ripoff in a Harry Potter-Visions of Escaflowne crossover? Hot damn, now it has to be good!

Quote :: It was a hot, but beautiful day in the world of Gaea. In fact, the
country of Fanelia was having a great celebration. The young King Van
Slanzar de Fanel was holding a great Ball, open to every Fanelian, and
whoever else the Fanelians invited.

In other news, water is wet. And "whoever else they invited"? Prince Charming held more discriminating balls than this, and I'm not even talking about that one extremely cold night with the guys.

Quote :: One of these letters was very odd. It was addressed to Van Fanel, and
his court poster would have tossed it out, as the King should have his
proper addressing on any envelope.

Same *amazing* descriptive style continues. Why isn't his court poster on the wall? Is 'addressing' a word? Also, when you're the damn king, you're supposed to be like Madonna. That letter should have been addressed to 'Van', period. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.

Quote :: addressed to 'Selena Schezar & Dilandau Albatou'. This worried her,
as not many people knew that she and Dilandau had been, and still were,
always together in their bodies.

Yeah, any multiple-person(ality?)-FTMTF-transsexual (not the fic writer's fault, that one) whose secret had been found out would be 'worried'.

Quote :: "You know, we probably just
have a social thingummy to go to? The host probably just decided to go
all out, or their maids have decided to revolt."

This is how they talk on archaic planets... right after their ultimate identity secret has been discovered. Does 'thingummy' have 2 Gs? One for thing, one for gummy? (I just went through this with 'transsexual')

Quote :: That was Selena, able to keep humorous at all times and yet still manage to come up with a logical explanation.

Cue... SUE! Also, we are no longer on Gaia, but Opposite World. Only explanation.

Quote :: We have received word of some of your magical skills, and have
reserved a place for you in our magic school in England, Earth.
Enclosed is a list of items you will need for your year. You will be in
the fifth year, and will be joined with others of your own age, We have
arranged for you to be picked up with the other new student of the
fifth year at 4:00pm sharp next week on this day. I trust you will
enjoy it here at Hogwarts. Sincerely, Albus Dumbledore."

Wow. Does Dumbledore ever go to this much effort for Mary Sue? He has to pretend they're suddenly magical and capable of fifth year magic, transport them to ANOTHER PLANET somehow (killing innocents is my guess. Don't worry, they'll come back, no one's allowed to die in this fic), and assume they have the ability to know what '4pm sharp next week' so as not to waste the wasting of innocents (why the 'on this day'? Unnecessary Writer is Unnecessary).

And yeah, Unnecessary Writer is (was) also me. As you can see, I don't remember what exactly I was thinking when I wrote this at the age of 12, and LOL/OMG hadn't been invented yet, but I seem to recall something like "LOL OK that sounds cool and fancy! OMG if I use really strained dialogue that's like Dickens right?" Yeah, smart enough to read Dickens, no social knowledge whatsoever to apply to making a story make sense. Wait'll you see what I do to teachers I don't like (such enemies at the time! now, currently within my cohort).

Sorry to not be able to provide much insight on the sinister inner workings so far. The more I look back on life, the clearer it is to me how little awareness and ability to think critically that I had. That ignorance and difficulty with analysis is what ultimately led to this cartoonish, mangled work, I suppose. Well, there's still hope for the fangirls yet; I got through university and everything!

...in Science.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Quote :: Harry didn't care about things like that anymore. He knew he could be
kidnapped and killed any minute, so if Gryffindor lost points nowadays,
he wouldn't exactly cry out his life.

^??? on emph. Also, why didn't I just call him Hamlet or Vampyre Potter and have done with it?

Quote :: Along with all the 4-foot children, there were others who looked more around Harry's age.

Wait, Harry's not 4'? ~~Also, Brits use metres.~~ I stand corrected. A little crooked from finally reading slash recently - not the best of ideas, though better than this one - but corrected all the same.

Quote :: Actually, Harry looked younger than his fifteen years, so that wasn't exactly true

That's how I know I wrote the fic I'm currently sporking. 'Great minds' is not exactly what comes to, well, mind.

Quote :: He looked, his jaw dropping as far as it could go. She was gorgeous,
with ash blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes. All thoughts of Cho Chang
left his head, and he resolved to start a new conquest.

Cindy SUE WHO! Also, the description sounds like Dumbledore - hott. How can he tell her eye colour, let alone the ~*sparkles*~ from there? Of course, I ask the same question about D's sparkles all the time. And yeah, ~~Harry~~ Vampyre Casanova's all about the conquests. We find out something new about him every paragraph.

Quote :: raven-haired teen with sepia eyes

This is why I don't refer to characters' looks anymore, I'm sure of it.

Quote :: As he glanced over the Gryffindor table, he could see many people drooling over the attractive group

Why isn't Harry at the Gryff table? And... drooling, actually (then HERMIONE does, too)? Dear Liza could spot the holes in this story. It's coming back to me now: I wrote as if it was a Looney Tunes cartoon, subtlety any all, because it made me snigger. That was the only reason such stupidity came to be. Too bad they didn't have Hannah Montana when I was that age - clearly, I needed the nuance.

Quote :: Dilandau had changed from when he was last seen. He still liked
to see people die, and fire, and he wouldn't mind seeing Van die. What
had changed him was a fall- he had fallen, hard, head over heels in
love with Selena Schezar. She had released him from her earlier on, but
retained the power to put him in her body, then out to any place she
wanted. They could communicate through each other's minds (telepathy?),
and shared the same dreams at night.

Writing -101, Hell U: Use phrases like "from when he was last seen". Reactions like, "Sure, I'd like to see people die" are like telling the time. Read some For Better or Worse comics from 7 years into the future for inspiration in punning and drawing words together. Ignoring the laws of thermodynamics by making everything easy? Just add SUE for instant world-logic. Also, LOL@ the '(telepathy?)" aside. You had a great dictionary, girl. Wikipedia not being around (or, at least, small) was no excuse.

Quote :: Hitomi had been discovered as Van did near the end of her fourth year, and was sent to Hogwarts then.

Man, Japanese wizardry must suck. They didn't notice she was a witch, then let the Brits pawn her? Also, Hitomi speaks English? Not to mention, y'know, the aliens who just came over (they just speak Japanese. Obviously!!!).

Quote :: Most of the girls were looking at her with poorly concealed envy. When
Selena (who most of the boys thought was Veela) and Dilandau went over
to join them, the whole fifth year was wondering about the strange
group.

Yeah, just 5ths. Thirdies' drool got mopped up already. Again, everyone acts a) the same, b) like they're in a bad cartoon or Disney show - not that the two are mutually exclusive.

Quote :: Van was surprised and angered to see Dilandau.

Major Understatement strikes again! I see the Naval Force of Suck is going to be busy within this realms over the next few days. Why did that keep wanting to typo as 'busty'?

Quote :: He was
planning to at least hurt Dilandau greatly, or kill him, when he
wouldn't be noticed.

I remember not being a sociopath, but this story makes me doubt. Will picture Van & Dilandau as Itchy & Scratchy, just to be safe.

Quote :: Not all wounds heal.

I see Past Me going something like "OMG so dark!" at this line and reading it to myself in Movie Trailer Voice. Selena Sue Solving!All! follows in a speech that veers weirdly into "mm, food!" in 2s (I was probably hungry at the time. I was a fat kid). Add A.D.D. to the list of psychological conditions.

Quote :: their new Defense of the Dark Arts teacher- Professor Folken deFanel.

Major Death Nevermind hits our battleship 1 time. It's so going to sink soon.

Quote :: The four students [whenever I say this, I'll usually mean Van, Hitomi, Selena & Dilandau]

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Unnecessary Writer is Unnecessary, Lazy, AND Obtrusive. Think I could get my grandmother to cross-stitch me a sampler to that effect? I like to be old-school with my hard-learned lessons - that's why the hair on my hair-shirt is shaped like a giant hyphen, to keep me from... ohshitnowIhavetoputitonagain.

Quote :: Everyone was lost by then, so they decided that the best thing to do
when you're lost is to stay where you are, as to not risk getting
further lost.

Is this because I got lost in Hong Kong airport when I was 4? I mean, it worked, then, but this is Hogwarts, that strategy would fail miserably. No need for the PSA, sucker.

Quote :: As they sat in a little circle, everyone started to explain themselves to the others.

Captain Obvious sinks my battleship. Diction continues to blow: the others < each other /= necessary. Yes, I went into a less language-based field later in life. Coincidence? I'm starting to wonder.

Quote :: And I'm not planning to die or kill anytime soon. I can't anyway; I'm under strict surveillance."

Since they're sitting in a circle, I'm picturing this as a support group meeting. Dilandau's the attention seeker who likes to pretend to be dangerous and talks in a really whiny voice.

Quote :: As the mailing and teleportation were probably automatic, we probably aren't going to be noticed as different."

Yeah, coming in with 10-year-olds was so natural. And no one will notice that the Great Hall flooded with drool once all y'all gorgeouso selves came on the scene.

Quote :: they regrew my right arm for me."

Screw Moody! We were saving our regeneration technology for the day a winged alien with a teardrop tatt made a wish and fell out of the sky!

Quote :: amazed, hearing that long explanation.

Because it was long! Sometimes I'd be like 'Hmm... I need some description here. Right? Because that's what writers do, describe things?" I blame this fic on no one being around to answer those questions. Just be glad I didn't pull out the thesaurus for that one. Too good to look up telepathy, never too bad to mess with diction. It's a fine line.

Quote :: Hitomi was feeling very stupid

I think we all know who should feel that way right now. If you're wondering, the answer is 'yes'. The back of my hair-shirt says 'stupid' and everything, so soon my back can say it, too. General Stupidity is servicing me right now... wait, that sounds kind of nice.

Quote :: he barked. The teacher has a hooked nose, and dark, greasy hair. Folken
started explaining that they got lost, and their theory of staying
stationary. The teacher sneered at them

Ack accidental present tense, shameful! Why would anyone want to hear that boring, lameass theory? Snape should laugh at them, not just sneer. One and the same for him, though, I guess.

ETA from the Author's Note

Quote :: Screw that, forget that part, it totally wouldn't fit with this
story! [...] Any suggestions from
the reader would be great...

The first part is one of the underlying fatal flaws of the story. The second is what sent it all to hell.

Damn, this is tiring. Not that I don't love making fun of Past Me. To distance myself from the horrible atrocities I committed upon the writing world, I claim belief in anatta - there is no self, because what is there is always changing.

In other words... it wasn't me.

I'm outtie for now. Tragically, there are still 18 more chapters, plus whatever I'd written but not submitted (yeah, you guys get the exclusive content - special or what?). We've come a long way, baby, but there's so much longer to go!

You may be worried I will take your snarking personally. For one, that is way too nice for this site. Stop. For another... please. I wish someone had alerted me to the suck years ago so it hadn't taken til now to oust this fic as longest, most favourited, and most alerted on my list. Unfortunately, it's still most-reviewed, and that's not likely to change.

Flaming may not make much sense though. Right here, lay it on me.

Quote :: Unnecessary Writer is Unnecessary, Lazy, AND Obtrusive. Think I could get my grandmother to cross-stitch me a sampler to that effect? I like to be old-school with my hard-learned lessons - that's why the hair on my hair-shirt is shaped like a giant hyphen, to keep me from... ohshitnowIhavetoputitonagain.

Pfffft. This part, and the intro had me laughing aloud. Well done!

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

So a Chapter Title Fairy Godmother drops down dead because people are starting to disbelieve.

Yay, made someone laugh! Confessions of a Fangirl: An Author Self-Sporks 831506

Confessions of a Fangirl: An Author Self-Sporks 831506

Quote :: A/N: Selena's thought-speaking is this, while Dilandau's is this.

You know that moment in a fic where the bottom drops out and you know you're in fic Hell? You've probably had it already, and in this one too.

This is my moment.

Shouldn't have taken so long, possible only reason it didn't being that I love myself, I want you to love me, when I feel good, I want - dammit, humming that in public just gets weird looks. Why does it have to be such a catchy tune? But this moment, in which I
1) relay information necessary to story comprehension in the author's note
2) start using ~*different*~ (I'm from the Barney era, different was supposed to mean awesome. I hated poor Times New for years) formatting - this was before FF.Net laid the smackdown on formatting, mind, and I'd take half an hour to pick the particular font for each fic. Maybe even colour. Fics those days were affronts to both eye and soul.
3) use the term 'thought-speaking' - guess I didn't look any further into the tele-powers -
now, friends, now I know: we are truly in the inferno.

Also, go back and read that in Cartman's voice. Partly because dumbass 12-year-old-me thought South Park was icky, partly because it's a little awesome hearing him sing "I Touch Myself".

I hear a sporker is supposed to keep the readers abreast of the plot. Well, you didn't miss much, but so Van & Selena get ~*mysterious letters*~, they cross planets and Selena fissions, they find Hitomi at Hogwarts (why was everyone Gryffindor, anyway?), Folken comes back to life to teach snotty-nosed wizards something he knows nothing about, and then they all sit in a circle and talk about it until Snape comes along and snarls some.

Now they're at Diagon Alley, about to do some horrific twin speaky thing. First, my flimsy - like, tissue-strength, and orphanage-grade tissue at that - explanations for what led up to this.

Quote :: Dumbledore had given them the required money

Just add outside funding (because you're special!) for an extra dose of... Sue!

Quote :: there had been no wands, spell books or flying broomsticks in all of Fanelia, as Van had gotten all the robes for them. [...] the new arrivals were going to need spell books and wands, and were therefore going to Ollivander's Wand Shop.

For one, Van getting the robes doesn't explain the lack of other things at all. For another, Captain (how *does* one write the short form? I've been inconsistent) Obvious is getting repetitive stress syndrome.

Quote :: "a new bunch of Hogwarts' students. Interesting, very interesting indeed.

Yeah, that doesn't sound like business as usual at all. *cough* Sues

Quote :: 9 inches long, sturdy oak, with the blood of a dragon; surprise about that, isn't it?

Worse meta ever. Even my hair shirt cannot help me now. Maybe I can arrange the words on my doormat of hot coals or something. Also, the Auditor General blows the whistle on the writing of a number in her grammar report.

Quote :: six inch wand, made of pliant ebony and a magical aquamarine stone embedded in it

I disagree. Suelena's wand was made out of a My Little Pony. Oh yeah, and I spelt her name ~*differently*~ all through the fic, using a bastardisation of BOTH romanisations. I fear I probably could have taken down every single one of the banned books with my influence.

Quote :: ten inches long, made out of heavy mahogany wood, with lava inside it and a centaur's hoof melted over it.

9', 6', 10'? Jeez, girl, this must've been before you learnt that it's about the motion of the ocean. That's what you keep telling yourself these days, anyway.

Quote :: "Very interesting wands," commented Mr. Ollivander, "Interesting," he repeated,

Even past me should've been ashamed of that punctuation (trend report: that sentence is so over). Here is where you may notice my chronic inability to say SAID. I thought I was being ~*creative*~. The said-synonyms get hilarious as we go.

Quote :: went sight-seeing in the small shopping plaza. There were many things to see, too.

Lies - even if the plaza was actually Italian, there would still be nothing to see. Because it's a freaking STRIP MALL, with has no place in a quaint and quirky magical world, anyway. I suppose they go to StDonald's in Vatican City next: holiest carbonated drinks this side of MeccaDonald's!

Quote :: Folken remembered that there was usually owl post, so the three went to look at the post office.

They just came planet-side. Who the Hell they sending messages to? Hitomi? She's psychic, guys, she knows, don't waste ~~your~~Dumbledore's money. Unless that's a thank you note you're sending. Who am I kidding, I'd never sent a thank you note, my characters weren't about to do so.

Quote :: the Ministry Office, or at least a small representative of it.

The full Ministry's right freaking there (to be fair, not sure we knew that yet, this is just post-GoF). Why would there be a 'small representative', too? ~~It'd be like having a Tim Horton's in a building next to a Tim Horton's that doesn't serve soup... just like my university~~wait too Canadian. Like a Pizza Hut next to a Pizza Hut Express? Except that would kick ass (I told you about the fat thing).

Quote :: Van found the system of a government amazing.

His kingdom - the one he totally abandoned for boarding school, for reasons that are never addressed, after fighting for it all series - is so doomed. Sheesh, words like 'inferno' and 'doomed' just bring out the Cartman voice in me. I may get stuck like this. It may be an improvement. Respect my authoritah.

Quote :: Van and Folken went to a cafe nearby to talk. Selena went off with Dilandau, much to both Van and Dilandau's relief. They were still wary of each other, and mistrustful.

Major Understatement rolls sleepily out of bed, being called to service (mmm.. service. I have a thing for uniforms). Van & Dilandau are nemeses like... darn, there aren't enough historical nemeses. Too busy dealing with their countries and whatnot. Like MOBY DICK AND CAPTAIN AHAB. Lot and salt. This example is going downhill; maybe I haven't improved as much as I thought. NO MORE SIMILES (nearly wrote smilies... close one!).

Quote :: They started a conversation, between their minds, so that it would be completely private. A very useful trait, which would be really important to them throughout their lives.

Technically correct, other than the sentence fragments. But to the mind, it is a serving of fried shit. Captain Obvious is throwing up down the hall from overwork, poor baby, and Admiral Ly, in the Adverb Submarine (they all live in it), is working overtime.

Quote :: What is the name of the place? Oh yeah, Diagon Alley. Don't you find it creepy?
No, why would you find it odd? I think it's interesting how they are, all natural even though they look strange. Interesting people, alright. Actually, probably not all of them are people.
Hey, did you see anyone interesting at the school? There was one guy I saw, at the table with the snake emblem. He was really pale, with light hair. Maybe that's why I noticed him, because he was fair.
Ah yes, all of us fair people must stick together. I thought I saw a fellow that looked like Shesta, but it couldn't be... could it?

Let's not kid ourselves. Of course it will be. Major Death Nevermind pegs another battleship one. You can tell how few people would stick around in conversation with me (this fic is a testament to why) based on my rigorous experience with dialogue that sounds nothing like the characters. Dilandau is actually prone to fits of maniacal laughter - yeah, I'm pretty sure it extends to his thoughts, as well.

Quote :: I feel really bad now about attacking Freid

At least he feels bad because he lost his soldiers, not because he lay waste to a country. Now that's in character.

Quote :: Maybe I was too harsh on them sometimes.

Major Understatement salutes. Dilly-boy was a little slap-happy.

Quote :: banging into a clairvoyant on their eighth time walking around the street.

I banged a clairvoyant on-wait, wrong forum. And personality. Self, stop trying to escape your shameful past by channeling other people. You are not Chester A. Bum. Also, why are they still on Diagon Alley the 8th time around? Dilandau should be beating people up for contraband magical gear in Knockturn Alley 6-times-down-the-street ago.

Quote :: her Inner Eye gave a powerful turn

Is it about to throw up? Spin in its grave? Just trying to picture it 'powerfully turning' makes me laugh.

Quote :: making her collapse near the book shop. This caused a commotion, attracting the attention of passersby.

She must've held up a Gilderoy Lockhart kissing booth. Cause and effect: shouldn't the attention of passersby be what causes the commotion?

Quote :: "The boy... keep him within. Destroy him and squash him. We do not want those like You-Know-Who here," she hissed, loud enough for the whole street to hear.

LOL, still getting my hate of SAID on. How does one hiss loud enough for a whole street to hear, in the middle of a commotion? Let's play Spot the Tautology. Destroy *and* squash (is he a peach now?)?

Quote :: she wanted to 'know who', so she started appealing to those around her, "Who is You-Know-Who? I don't know who!" This was all very confusing.

This is... well, in Tropic Thunder, they like to call it "full-on retard" (and I hate that word! still hilar in the movie, though). I should've played up on her stupidity to make her less Sue-ish. Unfortunately, Major Stupidity got in my way. You can guess how common his presence was in my life.

Quote :: He did not want to be destroyed and squashed, and would liked to have known who exactly he was like. The psychic started another tirade, "You are wondering how I know, and who you are like?

Spot the Tautology: Round Two would like to thank you for your input, but at this time we are currently overwhelmed with entries.

Quote :: There had been rumors that the Dark Lord was back, and that their only hope was one from a legendary civilization- which one, they knew not.

LOL, yanking out the convenient General Rumours (curse the American spelling in this story!) and Major Prophecy. I was SO lazy. The more things change...

Quote :: Selena started to improvise, "Poor Aunt Millie. Always thought the doctors were a bit to harsh, but now I'm not sure."
Dilandau continued, "Yes, you'd think that the newest potion would do her some good. Oh well, we better tell Mumsie what just happened. She won't be to pleased at all." He sighed heavily, and the two departed, giggling violently in their mind's eyes.

So many things wrong! A 'to' instead of 'too'! They shouldn't know what potions are! Use of 'doctors' instead of healers would just alarm magic folk! 'Mumsie' (I still use that one to refer to my mum. 'Mamacita', too. What, I get bored). Also: what exactly did I think a mind's eye was? So far it's seeming like that set of rooms in Yugi's brain. Mind's Eye (R): Your Mind's Premier Hotel, since Second Trimester (TM).

Quote :: Defense of the Dark Arts was signed up for frequently. This was partly because it was always interesting, involving a new teacher each year, and also since Voldemort was back from the unknown. Also, many young girls had been attracted to the new teacher, who had tattoos and looked very mysterious.

*snort* probably a good explanation of teen girl attraction. I thought Defence (Brit/Canadian spelling, Past Me!) was compulsory, anyway, for obvious reasons.

Quote :: And who was You-Know-Who? She considered asking her fellow students, and the more she thought about it, the better it sounded.

Full-on. Damn, I'd so rather be watching Tropic Thunder than reading this *repeats the word "catharsis" to herself until it stops making sense, which doesn't take long*

Quote :: Also, she knew that the students would tell her more that the teachers might think 'inappropriate'. Selena was a good person for reasoning.

I thought they left Opposite World. You know, Selena wasn't even a self-insert. We're nothing alike. She doesn't look like me, I never had a penis (well, not like- story for another time), I don't recall being particularly enamoured of her. Maybe I just Sued because it was the thing to do. It worked, I guess - over 130 reviews.

Quote :: "Excuse me, fellow students. I would like to ask you all a question; who is You-Know-Who, and what is there to know about them?"

And to think I've already said twice how clever she is. She's less a self-insert than a manifestation of both my intelligence versus my own belief such at the time.

Quote :: The surrounding Gryffindors gasped, remembering last year's incidents. They looked at Selena askance, feeling it odd that someone wouldn't know who You-Know-Who was. That's what the name was, wasn't it? Because everyone knew!

On the count of three, everybody, gasp! One, two... darnit, Fred, why do you always have to screw it up? Fine, why does George have to ruin it, then? LOL@the level of rationalisation in the last two sentences: so teen gossip, they might as well be talking about the Weird Sisters.

Quote :: asked Fred Weasley suspiciously. He stared shiftily at the girl on the table.

System is becoming overloaded with adverbs. Abort! Abort! Carefully- Shocked

Goddammit, Admiral Ly, you've doomed us all! Confessions of a Fangirl: An Author Self-Sporks 384608

(why aren't there more explosicons?)

Also, this is eerie. I mention Fred in the previous comment, and then he (who never said a suspicious word in his life) shows up asking something with suspicion. Back to the great lack-of-mind theory.

Quote :: "Someone I met on the road mentioned the fellow," replied Selena, not missing a beat.

I thought using words like 'fellow' made my characters sound delightfully quirky. Selena's missing a lot more than a beat. A decent writer, sanity... anyway, Harry offers to tell her.

Quote :: This was good, because he was one of the few people not afraid to say Voldemort's name; why should he be? He offered his hand to help her off the table, but she jumped off gracefully on her own.

General Exposition drops a load - sorry, he had chili for supper. So that's what this fic was missing: the Sue being graceful. I knew there had to be something beyond sparkling eyes, sparkling wand, special backstory (Escaflowne does that one all on its own, but not in a positive way), and the attentions of our hero.

Author's note time! I'm glad I always tried to include my own 'review' of the chapter in them (still do).

Quote :: A/N: Personally, I don't like this chapter too much,

Good.

Quote :: but I thought the You-Know-Who quirks were sort of funny.

*takes back the last comment and prepares the bed of nails*

Quote :: I don't think I have enough dialogue (this is because of my gr. 4 teacher. I wrote a story once about my friends and I lost in a forest, and she made me cut out most dialogue. Ever since then...).

I forgot about that, still can't quite remember it (though it's gratifying to remember I had friends at the time), and it was Junior 2, not Grade 4 (how Americanised was I?), but I'm on Mrs. Subramaniam's side. Nowadays I need to cut down on dialogue constantly - even actual funny lines, which I can manage occasionally - and it's apparent that I should have done so here as well.

Each chapter is longer than the last, and not just in the number of years they're prematurely aging me. Argh, but onto the next.

"wait too Canadian. Like a Pizza Hut next to a Pizza Hut Express? Except that would kick ass (I told you about the fat thing)."

"I may get stuck like this. It may be an improvement. Respect my authoritah."

" Captain Obvious is throwing up down the hall from overwork, poor baby, and Admiral Ly, in the Adverb Submarine (they all live in it), is working overtime."

"She doesn't look like me, I never had a penis (well, not like- story for another time)"

"*takes back the last comment and prepares the bed of nails*"

Please keep going, I'm loving this. LOL'd at parts quoted above. The hair shirt comments also get me every time.

Also, your narrative voice really intrigues me. Nice and fresh and funny.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Hee! Glad you like it. I'm in a really silly mood with these and have a hard time recognising my voice once I read them, but that's just a perk.

Chapter Four: Up, Up and Away

There's a reason I stopped naming chapters. My last bout doing so still ended up stupid, though I especially contracted Captain Obvious for it: Beginning; Ceremony; Party On, Wayne; Boozehound; The Morning After. The Chapter Fairies are putting out a hit on me. I have to stop.

Quote :: Folken is Professor deFanel because he's just altered his name a bit.

Let's not kid. It's for added doses of *~special!!~* (another side effect of the Barney years. I stopped watching it too late, though I'm sure a Barney fic from Preteen Me would've made more sense). Name changes like that come with free Douchery points. He should've changed his name to ffolken [sic] while he was at it.

Quote :: Also, some people from Esca & HP weren't always given a character. This is great for me, the author, because I will give them a personality.

No, it's not. No, you won't. I like the bolding, though. It adds that certain level of threat to it I know to be so appropriate.

Quote :: BTW, I'm passing Selena off as being really pretty, no idea if she is or not.

Guess who hadn't seen the episode she showed up in and couldn't be bothered to check it out? This makes her even more Sue-ish. I'm not one of those people who can get attracted to animated figures, despite the next comment - "But if her brother was, then there's a good chance she is." - so even after I saw her, I couldn't tell.

Quote :: The first day of school was a cheery September morning.

While day÷morning is possible, day≠morning, dumbass. And when else was it going to be but September? I resorted to these inane opening lines because of writer's block, without doing the necessary excising afterwards. Nowadays I like to describe the situation in media res or start with a line of dialogue that, by necessity, is out of context and therefore draws attention. Sophistication, what's that?

Quote :: The sun shone persistently, but not too hard, while the breeze was invigorating. The students were all eager to get out onto the Quidditch field, which they used for flying practice.

Further evidence of writer's block. Captain Obvious is glad to be assigned a reason for this dreadful mission of his. Didn't flying class stop 1st year, or was Harry just exempt after? Either way, it was never mentioned again, making this chapter particularly stupid.

Quote :: The Gaeans were looking dubiously at their Nimbus 2000s, which were just sticks with twigs sticking out from them.

While I hesitate to believe any sort of 'inspiration' was involved in the writing of this, we certainly haven't reached it yet. I keep having to increase my Obvious budget.

Quote :: a group of male Gryffindor students walked up to Dilandau. They had arrived in June and had been enrolled at Hogwarts. Both Dilandau and Selena recognized them, and were ecstatic.

*yawn* more Gryffs, of course, and the writing is still warming up. What an exciting way to describe this reunion. Just imagine how it could have been retooled into a human-interest news story: "A group of North Koreans walked up to some South Koreans. They had arrived in the diplomatic meeting room and were waiting in line. Both the North and South Koreans recognised each other, and were ecstatic." Instant Pulitzer, bitches & butches.

Quote :: Hey, Dilandau, your wish the other day did come true, or at least part of it has!
How did Viole, Shesta, Gatti, Dalet and Guimel get here?
Who cares, at least they're alive!

Noheywait. Dilandau has a point, and should kill them all for being ghosts to avoid another breakdown. Selena continues to be functionally moronic (cue oxymoron!).

Quote :: Van was very scared. He had killed the Dragon Slayers, after all, and his last memories of them were not pleasant, as they had been...DEAD. Hitomi noticed this, and went over to cajole Van into believing that a few Dragon Slayers had just been replaced that day.

There's more tell-instead-of-show than the new Airbender movie! LOL@"as they had been...DEAD" - the capitalisation and ellipses were added for maximum...EFFECT. Way to go, 'Tomi, for tricking Van into ignoring what could be a hyooge issue. In the spirit of pointing out what everyone could actually be, I put forward that Hitomi is actually an ostrich. Since she wants to mate with Van, she is trying to turn him into one too, by sticking his head in the sand.

Quote :: This was, in fact, very close to the truth.

Isn't it nice how what everyone thinks is correct and absolutely identical?

Quote :: The five Dragon Slayers had gotten the same odd letters as the other three had, and had paid Doppelgangers to replace them for a long while. The Doppelgangers apparently held on to their false identity even after death.

"Hey guys, we got letters from a strange magic school on another planet!"
"Wait, how would we get there?"
"There's no such thing as magic. Our Empire runs on science."
"Even if there was, we wouldn't have any. Are you sure this isn't the dog-man messing with us again?"
"... look, maggots, I don't know about you, but I lost a tooth last time Dilandau slapped me, and I'm tired of pretending to want to follow him to the death. I'm hiring a Doppelganger to replace me, abandoning my prestigious military post, and trading in my status as an adult to go off to magic boarding school. Court martials are for suckers."
"That makes sense. When you can transform into anyone you want, how else do you get money?"
"Meh, they'll be better soldiers than us anyway. I'm in."

Quote :: Selena came over, and decided to tell them about their leader's experimentation, "Dilandau was born from the Zaibach scientists, and placed into me, where he dominated and had his own body replacing mine. I've been in him for ten years."

Wow, idiot, way to just put it out there where anyone can hear you. As they said in Supernatural: "Dude, you like full-on had a girl inside you for like a whole week. That's pretty naughty." Except this is, like, 5000x naughtier. Only the threat of slaps must be keeping them from guffawing, but Idk what the audience's excuse was.

Quote :: There was a stunned silence between them, then Gatti spoke, "Is that why he always had to go to the scientists?

That's really the best question they can come up with? Another example of SAID-hate, BTW. ~~Admiral~~Captain Said is sad.

Quote :: Selena then spied Van, who was still a wreck, and went over to tell her friend the odd turn of events, calming him down tremendously.

With all these important, character bond-building conversations getting glossed over like this, I doubt my previous chapter's author's note about trying to increase the amount of dialogue. I know for a fact I avoided dialogue that I didn't feel like writing (haven't entirely stopped that one), hence Selena describing the worst situation of her life in one throwaway line.

Quote :: Then? The class flew, one at a time. Van was used to flying, since he flew Escaflowne and had wings. Flying came naturally to him.

I hope that little "Then?" wasn't an attempt at style, but I think I'd be let down. General Exposition notes the writing hasn't stopped its obvious bent. If I'd gotten a whack upside the head every time I was obvious in this fic, this spork would not exist because I'd be in a coma.

Quote :: He wasn't afraid of falling, as he'd just fly with his wings, but he was afraid that he wouldn't be good at it, and prove his lack of magical talent.

Well, lah-dee-dah. No one else gets to fly without the brooms, and they don't need magic to ride in the first place. The lack of magical talent should be a serious concern: none of them have any.

Quote :: as soon as he touched the broom, he felt a rush of confidence

1) that's not confidence because 2) that's not a broom

Quote :: and when his turn came to fly, he flew on the broomstick as if he were a bird, or part of the sky itself.

Flying like part of the sky, huh? No more warming up, little girl, you can just cool yourself back down,. Didn't think more practice writing made it worse.

Quote :: The class gasped to see such superior flying, and Madame Hooch started to think of adding him to the Gryffindor Quidditch team; the Weasley twins had been kicked off for bad behavior.

Is everyone at Hogwarts wearing a corset? There's no excuse for all this gasping. Check one off on the STU (nearly read that as STI. much more fitting) list for Quidditch. The story of how the Weasley twins got kicked off the team would be preferable than this one, even if it involved twincest. I want to get away from this story that badly.

Quote :: the teacher spoke to him of Quidditch. Harry was somewhat surprised at Van's flying; he thought that Van would probably take over his place as Seeker.

Oh, that just exacerbates the stewiness. Take over Harry's place? WTH is Harry supposed to do, stand on the sidelines with pompoms? The next paragraph continues to abuse Major Surprise. It's like no one has any other reaction. Sims have more heart than this.

Quote :: Here Professor Trelawney scared Selena out of her wits and making her fall out the trapdoor by suddenly appearing out of the smoke and mist in the Divination class.

Most of the class laughed at this, but Selena gave them an evil glare, stopping them in a few seconds, when she'd gotten into the class again.

*snicker* Every chapter subtracts points from her IQ. The only reason I couldn't see that is because it did the same to me.

Quote :: This made some girls very annoyed that Selena had three good-looking guys sitting with her, completely at ease, when they had been working on the Dragon Slayers for a long time, who still didn't even notice them.

Did I have a low opinion of teenage girls, or what? I know this site doesn't make it clear, but there really is more to them than flocking to cuties and getting pissed off at anyone else who has their attention. Really. These girls must be like roadies for summer students, hanging around to pounce and 'drag them to class' all summer. No other way they could work on them till now.

Then Trelawney sees Selena & Dilandau as one. Because such SPECIALS can make her feeble power work around them.

Quote :: talking about mind-reading

I'm still not sure about the use of the T-words, huh? Weird, I seem to recall seeing Carrie for my 11th or 12th birthday.

Quote :: Of course, our favorite duo volunteered. Dilandau was going to choose a number between one and one million, then relay it to Selena, who was outside the class. He chose 927 645.2594 , just to make it more phenomenal.

Assuming made such an ass out of me! "Our favourite duo" my foot. Also, I take forever to come up with random numbers when I'm not button-mashing. I probably hovered my chubby little fingers (not that they're any different now) over the number pad for ten solid minutes trying to come up with this one.

Quote :: she repeated the number, astonishing everyone around her.

Lawks, I think the students done be laced too tight, maw, and that new carpet is somethin' treach'rous. They en't stopped gaspin' or bein' shocked once.

Quote :: Dilandau had also been asked to the Quidditch team, but was wondering if he'd go or not, since Van was going.

~~STU~~SUE.

[quote]Professor Snape had been in a foul mood that day, and when Van, with Hitomi by his side, came in, he decided to take it out on his new students by testing them."Hey, silver hair," he snarled, making both Selena and Dilandau look up from a desk by the window. This infuriated him, for some odd Snapey reason.[/quote]When did Snape
ever refer to his students by their features? It was obvious he was
tempted to call Hermione 'Bucktooth', but even then he restrained
himself. And yet two years later, I wrote Snapefics with Voldemort'sgrandson!enchanter!cave!cowboy Snape. I'll have to spork that one eventually, but the people of Suck are up in arms at the character abuse experienced under my regime and Major Shame barely managed to smuggle me out of the country alive after that one. *cue tiny violins* there weren't even enough flames to keep me warm at night.

Quote :: wondering what that fellow was up to. If he was going to pick on him, well, Dilandau had his sword with him, hidden under his robes.

Oh... that's what that is. Also, Rock Band tells me I fail at the voice of a psycho killer even today, and I agree, but I still have the feeling it doesn't involve using talking about being 'picked on'.

Quote :: Huh! He's calling me, the Diabolical Adonis, young man. "Oh, surprise. I thought you were taking points off yourself for a while there, and we wouldn't want that to happen, now would we?" If the Gryffindors hadn't been in fear of losing more points, they would have been cheering for Dilandau.

Congratulations! Your Gryffindors have unlocked one (1) emotion and one (1) reaction. Would you like to use your points to buy more words from the Spliffingly Fake, Old Cock collection? You will need them to progress!
I'd like that video game, actually, since I always mute them, and I watched Sherlock Holmes this weekend (where else do you think I got 'old cock'?... we don't talk about Major Disappointment anymore).

Quote :: Dilandau had never had a detention, let alone heard of one; too many Zaibachians had been afraid of him. He snickered, "I actually have no idea what the hell you're talking about, by the way." Even the Slytherins were enjoying themselves by then.

I'm not.

Quote :: Snape was really disliking this albino freak, even more so than Harry Potter.Dilandau was really amused to see this ugly fellow trying to discipline him.

Of course, no bad crossover is complete without having your protagonists be disliked by the people who hate their protagonists! ~~Admiral~~Captain Ly is looking forward to regaining some of his former glory with this conversation. Really, two reallies in two sentences? WhoopsIdiditagain. I think I need a new hair shirt, maybe even a chasti- nah.
Can you tell 'fellow' was the first word I bought from the Spliffingly Fake, Old Cock collection? I can't afford the others yet, so I just keep using that one.

Quote :: Dilandau carried a smirk on his face throughout the class, losing up to 70 points for his house. Of course, he still didn't know what points were, as Zaibach never used incentives or any 'psychological encouragement'. His classmates weren't very fond of him at this point, although Dilandau didn't really give.

I repeat variants on 'point' in 3 sentences with 2 different meanings. Toni Morrison, all your award are belong to me. Hand 'em over and no more words have to get hurt.
Dilandau blabs inanely (Captain Ly rejoices) about Selena and himself for the rest of the chapter.
Now, what nuggets of glory are to be found in the Author's Note this time?

Quote :: A/N: Wow! My chapters are getting really long!

I KNOW [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: Anyway, I'm thinking of doing this in the 1st person form ( I ), because I write better that way; or at least I think I do.

No you don't, and I hate 1st person POV now. I love how the Author's Notes subtly hint at how much worse the fic could be. OTOH, this fic would've been a trailblazer in the POV-all-over-the-place trend so firmly ensconced between the buttocks of Twilight.

Quote :: Although Viole is the unknown Dragon Slayer, he'll have more prominence in this story. So will Ginny Weasley, Ron's sister, for that matter.

I think this is foreshadowing of a sort and I paired them up. Not like I planned this story out before writing it though. That's just silly! I like my confidence level in my readers' intelligence: first, I explained 1st person to them, now, I reminded them that Ginny is Ron's sister. Given that negative reviews were only at 3%, I feel this course of thought was justified, if hypocritical.
Urgh, the next one looks soooo long. Maybe tomorrow.

Quote :: Selena came over, and decided to tell them about their leader's experimentation, "Dilandau was born from the Zaibach scientists, and placed into me, where he dominated and had his own body replacing mine. I've been in him for ten years."

Quote :: There was a stunned silence between them, then Gatti spoke, "Is that why he always had to go to the scientists?

Gatti is not a big-picture person.

Funny stuff. Self-snark is always fun because you don't have to be proper and avoid personal attacks and cheap shots.

Bravo on your self-snark! :D Those take some serious guts to do. Also, loving some of your phrasing.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Wow, never really thought about what was different with self-sporking til you guys pointed it out. For me, I've grown out of making fun of my little sister, so there was a void to fill. This works perfectly because I know exactly how far I can go (which, as you've seen, is pretty damn far), and no one's going whining to Mum about teasing. Not that she gets a break, since I still whine about whatever comes to mind.

Quote :: Gatti is not a big-picture person.

Bahahahaha. Major Understatement applauds.

Sometimes formatting just gets contrary and line breaks wherever it wants, and it seems like this is one of those times. Apologies.

Chapter Five: Cooperation

The ranks of the Chapter Title Fairies thin again.

Quote :: A/N: ^_^ Although my stomach is probably aflame, or at least that's what it feels like

You deserve it. Unless this is referring to that time with the stomach flu. Unfortunately, this chapter is as long as all the previous chapters combined. Also, I peeked, and Ch 18 is 5-6k words [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Words of punishment, I tell you what. I thought all the time spent in my Iron Maiden (not as dirty as it sounds) would have spared me, but no. Anyway, this chapter they go to Hogsmeade, where I assume nothing worth talking about happens. Why else would I have talked about it?

Quote :: Harry was really excited about it, especially since he had money to spend. He was still extremely crazy for Selena, much to the annoyance of Hermione.

Captain Ly is hopeful that his increased profile will lead to getting his old admiralty back. Doesn't Harry always have money to spend? It's not like he's Ron.

Quote :: "You only like her because she's pretty," she pointed out, "And that still doesn't give you much of a chance, because she's always with the prettyboys over there." She gestured towards Selena, who was sitting with the Dragon Slayers, having an animated discussion about the best
way to polish a sword.

~~Captain~~Commander Said bemoans his neglect. Also, Hermione uses the word 'prettyboys', and for the first time in this fic, I finally write intentional innuendo.

Quote :: "Come on now, Hermione," he groaned, "You're jealous of her, aren't you?"
"I've no idea what you're talking about," she replied haughtily.
"Well, it's obvious. She's the one with the looks and the guys, and apparently knows about fighting. She's over there right now, talking to boys who are hanging on to her every word about sword polishing. So, what were you saying?"

Gee, Ron, don't hold back. Let her know what you really think; your sweet words are sure to woo her into your arms.
When you've got a sword, polishing it is a topic of extreme interest, or so I hear.
~~Commander~~ ~~Lieutenant-Commander~~ Lieutenant Said is not liking the job security on this mission.

Quote :: Hermione turned red. "I'm going to the library," she said abruptly. Ron looked after her, grinning like mad.

To be fair, I would too at that point (go to the library, not grin like mad). Has Ron turned into ginger Shaggy (who looks not like a red-headed Shaggy, but Scary Spice with Ginger Spice's hair colour)? He's acting particularly odd. This was before I ever caught a whiff of what drugs could do, so it can't be that. ~~Lieutenant~~ Lieutenant-Commander Said and ~~Captain~~ Commodore Ly said carefully that it's probably better not knowing. I have to agree.

Quote :: He decided to talk to Selena for a bit, see if she'd go with him for the Hogsmeade weekend. He was personally amazed at how much easier he felt around females nowadays.

Yeah, so am I, Vampyre Casanova. I guess the sight of Suelena was the final step to having your balls drop. Sues do that sometimes, before kicking them back up into you as a means of being *cute* and *playful*. I might be confusing them with regular teenage girls.

Quote :: "I was wondering if you'd like to go to Hogsmeade, that's a wizard town, and get something to eat with me, maybe?" If it was possible for Selena to look like a bomb had possibly exploded in her hands, it was then. A utter look of surprise was on her face. She opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again.

I had never been asked out at this point, but Selena's reaction did prove fairly prescient, 5 years down the road. Naturally, it takes Suelena to unlock two (2) actions in one go. Didn't see the other Gryffs doing that. Sentence 3 is a blight that makes General Lee Unnecessary weep in sympathy.

Quote :: "But I don't even know you that well," Selena replied desperately. She wasn't very much sure what to do, and began franticly communicating with Dilandau through her mind. For one thing, she didn't know Harry, and besides, she'd been planning to go with Van and Hitomi. "And
besides, I'm a horrible person. Ask Dilandau, or one of the others."

Yeah, Van & Hitomi, two ~~long-~~separated lovers, would much rather spend their first time to themselves in Suelena's company; high opinion of herself, there. Worse than girls I heard of who waited to watch the Twilight movies so they could do so with their boyfriends. I agree with her assessment about being horrible. What an awful way to respond to an invitation like that! Did I do much better than her 5 years later? I used the friends line, and I still think I did.

Quote :: "Oh, er, that's quite alright," said Harry nervously. "But would you want to, you know, just hang around with some of us, then?" Selena looked relieved at this.

Harry gets to be the bigger man for once. ~~Lieutenant-Commander~~ Commander Said and ~~Commodore~~ Rear-Admiral Ly said Suelena's a socially-incompetent bitch. Is a character more Sueish for being so faulty despite no one noticing, or is she an inferior Sue for not being perfect enough?

Quote :: "So, how do you polish a sword?" Ron asked neutrally, although Harry could tell he was going to get a long answer. He did, and soon learned how to clean your sword of guts that just wouldn't come off, also. After this wonderful piece of information, however, he quickly changed
the subject to a game of chess.

Why always so many extra words that add nothing? ~~Rear-Admiral~~ ~~Vice-Admiral~~ Admiral Ly doesn't really like them encroaching on his spurious, yet plentiful territory.

Quote :: She picked it up quickly, and was having a long and successful game with Ron.

Suelena is so good at chess, she can have a long game with Gryffindor's Chessmaster one sitting into learning how to play? Or, maybe that sword-polishing info has him back in his weird mood and he can't concentrate.

The next part just needs to be posted in its unexpurgated atrocity.

Quote :: Meanwhile, the Dragon Slayers had been practicing their sword fighting skills. Most of the Gryffindors, seeing this, were afraid to tell them to stop the loud fighting. Selena was trying to concentrate on her game of chess, though, so she strode up to them. She pulled out a sword, stolen from Allen, and with a neat flick of the wrist, she disarmed Viole and Guimel, who had been the ones fighting.

"You're kind of loud, guys. Please practice outside. You'll have more space, anyway," she said calmly.

"Yes, Lady Selena," they replied. The Dragon Slayers had grown to think of Selena and Dilandau as their leaders. After all, they'd sworn loyalty to Dilandau, and that would include Selena, in a way. They obediently went out, taking their swords with them.

Selena went back to the chessboard, where the three friends were sitting with their mouths open, and acted as if nothing had happened.

"What was that?" asked Hermione suspiciously.

"Well, they were getting kind of loud, and I wanted to concentrate on winning against Ron."

"So, why did they call you Lady Selena?" Hermione asked.

"Well, it's just what I'm called. Dilandau's Lord Dilandau." Selena's eyes widened. "Why did you ask?"

"Just wondering. I mean, you aren't really a Lady, of course. Are you?"

"Of course I am!" Selena said indignantly. "Why else would they call me that?" Hermione shrugged, and Harry almost laughed at her expression.

She was sitting there, with an odd look on her face, almost as if she'd been told that she had failed something.

"Checkmate," Selena said with an expression very similar to one on our favorite pyro's face
during battle. It reminded Harry of Lord Voldemort's face while cursing someone, making him shudder. She abruptly got up. "I think I'll go watch the others fight. Thanks for the game."

Harry stared wistfully at her while his friends seemed frozen. After a while, Ron spoke. "That is one extremely interesting girl," he commented.

"What a show off! Going in front of them to knock swords out of their hands, and telling us she's a lady!" Hermione exclaimed. "There is something odd about that girl, something that doesn't fit. And I'm going to find out what it is." The words were spoken with a heavy finality, breaking
Harry out of his reverie.

The fleet remembers the vessels lost to Major Writing Flaws' terrorist attack: the Adverb-II Submarine, which he forced into the overload that caused the explosion, the Logic, the Discretion, and the battleship fondly referred to as Selena's Last Ounce of Sense, which had been due for retirement the next day. Even the Possible Enjoyment, which had been retired during the dictatorship of Suck, is sunk once and for all, although the Crap, Absurdity and Monotony remain.

So Harry sees her looking like You-Know-Who and still wants her V-card? The V doesn't stand for Voldemort, Harry, and you already took her Voldemort-card in the Diagon Alley chapter. At least Suelena gets another check on the stupidity meter.

Quote :: Professor Snape bumped into them also, but unlike Folken, he was less tolerant. In fact, he went into a great rage. His new At-Least-Try-To-Make-Miserable person was Dilandau, and this was a beautiful opportunity. Besides, Folken had stolen the job that he had wanted, so it would be wonderful to get him in trouble also. What fun!

Pfft. Snape does not At-Least-Try-To-Make-Miserable (why couldn't I stop with those, my hair shirt is chafing). Snape succeeds. I think this is as far as I could grasp the concept of a Magnificent Bastard, so basically using words the same length as 'magnificent' and figuratively rubbing his hands together in evil glee. Maybe even literally, we'll see.

Let us, for the purposes of sanity, imagine him talking in the voice of Brain, or Snidely Whiplash:

Quote :: "Stop that at once!" he shouted to the students, who weren't exactly listening to him. Folken had to repeat the order to them in his quiet, calm voice. This time, they listened to him. "Fighting like this on school grounds is NOT ALLOWED! You may think you're special and able to break rules, but you are most certainly not!" After this tirade, he turned onto the other teacher, "What were you thinking, letting them fight like this! They could've gotten hurt, and you didn't even lift a finger! Didn't Dumbledore go over the rules with you?"

LOL I find it hard to believe real Snape would lift a finger when it comes to Gryffs he hates about to kill each other. In fact, I get the feeling he stages monthly gladiator battles between his own Slytherins, just so they have an edge against the other houses.

At least he didn't say they could've gotten h... ohcraphedid. *silently gets out her Cat-o'-Nine-Tails* (people worried, but I maintain that getting that serial killer's house on foreclosure from the bank was the best thing I ever did)

Quote :: After a while of this, everyone was sick of Snape's crap. He'd gone back to yelling at the students, while Dilandau stood smirking with Selena also smirking by his side. The DragonSlayers were lying on the ground, staring at the sky. Folken decided to take over the situation, there were already students standing to watch.

I bet I thought I was so tough in the 1st sentence, LOL, despite never saying, "I'm sick of your crap!" to anyone ever.

Remember how Snape spoke barely above a whisper in the 1st Potions class and everyone quieted to listen because of his mere presence? Well, he got a letter to join a group of Spandex-wearing people with powers in New England, promptly hired a whiny Doppleganger, and split. JSYK.

Quote :: He put his strong hand on Professor Snape's shoulder, making him wince in pain, and forced him around with a grip of steel (no pun intended).
"These students know how to fight, they wouldn't hurt each other. I was supervising them, in fact. I approve of them keeping fit; don't you?"
He never took his hand off the man's shoulder. He'd be getting a taste of his own medicine, although more painfully.

Painful? Taste? Medicine? Snape knows how to disguise those. Folken will never poop freely again.
The awful 'no pun intended', which IMO can only ever be used in dialogue by someone with a corny sense of humour and still not even then, refers to the fact that Folken had a sweet metal arm at one point. Unfortunately, it was fuelled by angst.

Quote :: "I-I n-n-never meant anything. Of course th-they must keep fit. I see what you mean," Snape stammered. Many students were grinning harder than they ever had in their lives. Folken let go of Professor Snape's shoulder, which was probably badly bruised. Snape scampered off like a scared rabbit, while the students cheered loudly. Excepting the Slytherins, of course.

This is the man who lies up front to Voldemort on a regular basis. LOL@the image of him scampering (or stammering!), though. I'm just glad the students have tied Suelena in unlocking two (2) expressions. Here's hoping I can buy the phrase "by gum" or the word "ripping" soon.

Quote :: Harry mulled over this for a long time in his mind. At least now Snape
was scared stiff of someone, and was, besides this, picking on Selena's
friend. He had to admit that Dilandau was much better at defending
himself then he was.

And here I thought Dilandau was just acting like someone who needs a spanking.

Dumbledore's money not being good enough for them, Suelena and Dilanstu come up with the stupidest, most physics-defying idea ever. Naturally, it works.

Quote :: She was going to pull him inside herself, then let
him out. When he appeared, she'd make him be wearing a lot of gold to
sell. He readily agreed, and they set to work on that.Later on,
they appeared in the common room, carrying gold necklaces, chains and
crowns with them. The two made their way over to the DragonSlayers, and
told them of their plan. Van and Hitomi came over soon after to talk to
Selena, since he was extremely curious about the gold. She told the
couple what they were going to do, and dragged them into the plan.When
they went to Hogsmeade the next week, they carried a big sack with
them. They sold it to a strange jewelry store on the outskirts of the
town. Selena divided it equally between the nine of them, even though
Dilandau hadn't wanted Van to get anything. Then their shopping began,
and they went almost literally mad.

Went? Almost? Again there are [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
I like to imagine what the strange jewellery store makes of it, though:
"How'd they get all of it, anyway?" (because of course they wouldn't think to dissemble, not when they could draw attention to themselves)
"Something about him going inside her, and coming out with lots of gold when she thought about jewellery?"
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] "... wanna have sex?"
"Well, I'm definitely thinking about jewellery." [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: After the trip, the group marched up to the Gryffindor common
room to compare their treasures and share the candy. Van and Dilandau,
strangely, hadn't tried to kill each other. This was mainly because of
Selena and Hitomi, who had dubbed themselves the peacekeepers of the
group. The two females shared the same dormitory, and had felt
curiously affiliated because of the Gaean War.

Yeah, being on opposite sides of the same war tends to draw people together afterwards. They only did it because they loved each other too much!!
Of course in my simple little mind it fell to the chicks to peacekeep.
LOL@all these hardened warriors going and buying everything only to come back and share the candy. Yeah, candy. Sharing. Was it all in a pillowcase that they had to dump out first? The things a fat preteen thinks teenagers do.

And wait, the trip's over already? Wasn't she going with Harry&co? Not that I'm complaining, less to cover, but still. This must've been before I got into shopping for anything more than candy.
[quote]Their Hogsmeade voyage marked the beginning of a social group between
them. They called themselves the Gaea group. Although Van never did
make friends with Dilandau, they only had an uncountable amount of
duels, which usually ended in a teacher intervening before they
killing, scarred or hurt each other. Of course, their Quidditch
practices were another story.../quote]They had a name for themselves? What a coincidence, so do I! Fools of a Took. OK, maybe I didn't.
'Uncountable amount'? Are amounts even countable so much as quantifiable? I so held a grudge against words that made sense. The phrasing makes it look like they died or got scarred like ~~twenty~~ no, way too countable several times, since the duels only 'usually' ended before that point. I see Dumbledore is keeping the trade of innocents alive (if not the innocents themselves) just to keep these fools of Tooks in business. I bet he gets Suelena to lure unicorns for him.

What delights does the Author's Note hold for us this time?

Quote :: I had originally planned to make Van and Dilandau friends, but
that would be strange and untrue! Since that's not happening, I'm just
having the females closest to them (I am SO not talking about Dilandau
and Hitomi, if that's what you're thinking) be the ones to keep them
from killing each other.

Actually, it totally was what I was thinking. Again, awesome grrrrl power! I guess the Spice Girls only left me with a love of platform shoes, the words to all their songs, and the dance to 'Stop'. Don't look at me!!

Quote :: Although I promised in an earlier chapter that
I'd be putting Ron's sister and the Dragon Slayers in more, I haven't.

Good.

Quote :: But I'm leading up to it, don't worry!

I really need to read ahead before getting relieved. Having to take back my goods is worse than trying to stop pee from flowing... not that the two sound any different when I put it that way. That comparison wouldn't even have come up if I hadn't gone for a physical this morning, forgotten to hoard the urine, and chugged a bottle of water in 5 minutes. I've said too much.
Not like it even worked, at the time.

BRB.

Quote :: Along with an extremely interesting Quidditch practice.

Lies!!! Part & parcel of being an unsociable fat kid was total disinterest in sports, particularly team sports. That chapter would've been tedious to write, and - I'm going to go out on a limb here - to read.

Sporkbender Join date : 2010-04-19 Location : England

Ahahahahahaha, good stuff. I absolutely love self-snarks [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: their new Defense of the Dark Arts teacher- Professor Folken deFanel.

Hogwarts decided the Dark Arts were getting a bad rap, so they started a whole new class just to defend them!

Quote :: Hey, Dilandau, your wish the other day did come true, or at least part of it has!
How did Viole, Shesta, Gatti, Dalet and Guimel get here?
Who cares, at least they're alive!

"You have a point. As long as they did not deliberately disobey my orders and pay doppelgangers to replace them so they could desert my army while we were in the middle of an important war, possibly causing us to lose, in order to go attend school with a bunch of british children and learn "magic" at the behest of some random old man I had never heard of until a few days ago, I suppose it is all good!"

Quote :: "Just wondering. I mean, you aren't really a Lady, of course. Are you?"

"Of course I am really a lady, I have a vagina and everything! Want to see? It is reallly there, I swear! Why do you ask? What have you heard?!"

(great snark, btw, cracked my ass up hard core)

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Quote :: Hey, Dilandau, your wish the other day did come true, or at least part of it has!
How did Viole, Shesta, Gatti, Dalet and Guimel get here?
Who cares, at least they're alive!

"You have a point. As long as they did not deliberately disobey my orders and pay doppelgangers to replace them so they could desert my army while we were in the middle of an important war, possibly causing us to lose, in order to go attend school with a bunch of british children and learn "magic" at the behest of some random old man I had never heard of until a few days ago, I suppose it is all good!"

*laughs and laughs* The perfect summation! Major Amusement salutes.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Quote :: "Just wondering. I mean, you aren't really a Lady, of course. Are you?"

"Of course I am really a lady, I have a vagina and everything! Want to see? It is reallly there, I swear! Why do you ask? What have you heard?!"

Further proof of Selena's dumbassery (and mine), that she totally missed the implications of that!

Oh gosh, I can see where the story starts going down the dark path mentioned in the... description of this thread. Yes, those ellipses were actually me having to look up what it was called. My hair shirt says 'stupid' on the back for a reason, after all.

Chapter Six: Negativity
Is that even a word? I ask because the Chapter Title Fairy yanking on my hair shirt (it's a great decoy) insists it's not.

Author's note:

Quote :: Yes to [reviewer] on her request; it will be later on in the story.

IT BEGINS.

Quote :: By the way, as a way of explanation for relationships in this fic, Dilandau loves Selena, but she only thinks of him as her best friend. Harry has a crush on Selena, and Hitomi and Van are very much together.

IT CONTINUES.

Quote :: The DragonSlayers are for now single... heh heh heh.

IT SUCKS.

Quote :: During the autumn, the Gryffindors had daily Quidditch practices. Both Van and Dilandau had joined, with Van as the Seeker; Harry was their new team captain. The only problem with this situation was the fact that Van and Dilandau would try to hit each other frequently with Bludgers. This resulted in quite a few headaches and bruises, not to mention possible brain damage, between the two.

Boy, I loved stating what time of year it is! I was just getting used to seasons (I'd lived in permanent summer and then what felt like permanent winter). Who would want Punch & Judy on the same team? Also, shouldn't the team captain be in the game? I guess Harrry just plays on his whistle. Major Brain Damage preens at being mentioned; he's still campaigning for the post of Most Sensible Explanation. Why don't they wear helmets, or the magical equivalent thereof (which probably resembles Twilight vampire skin), anyway?

Quote :: In fact, they'd even go at each other on their broomsticks with their swords drawn, resulting in the cancellation of quite a few Quidditch practices. One day, it was even more interesting than usual, as they bothered to use their wands. Using magic was not their first nature (violence was), so this made things more interesting.
Especially since they were both very magically strong duelers.

Dude, they haven't even learnt their first spell yet. They should be sitting in some wizarding daycare with a wand the size of my pinky.

Swords and wands on brooms? My innuendo processor is in overload.

Quote :: Harry sometimes wondered if he should kick the fighters off the team, as they weren't exactly benefiting from the two.

Just 'wondered'? Noooo! Suelena is rubbing off on you! Either that, or Dumbledore pays you to keep them on. Hey, he's invested a lot in them.

Quote :: Folken had a word with the two about divulging their more embarrassing secrets to the
school if they wouldn't stop.

Please, they do that themselves on a daily basis. They're secret-incontinent. Maybe he has baby/sex-change operation pics.

Quote :: After this, the team won most of their games, winning back almost as many House points as Dilandau had ever lost for Gryffindor. The Slytherins were indignant about this, and seriously thinking of cheating on their upcoming game with the Gryffindors.

That's just what they want you to think. I mean, no shit angry Slytherins are cheating. How do you think they make it through their gladiator battles once the tigers come out?

Quote :: However, Professor Snape, as their Head of House, was much too scared of Professor deFanel to comply with this request. Owing to this, the Gryffindors won by more than a hundred points; the Slytherin team had not been having recent practices, and always greatly underestimated their opponents.

So they were thinking of cheating, but underestimated their opponents? You can tell where I had to stop and hurriedly switch programs for a while because my parents were going by. Proofreading? Never heard of it! I'm sure my subconscious stopped me from rereading to try and protect me. Thank you, o mechanism that sends me inspiration for fics! ... *eats words*.

Quote :: Draco Malfoy, who'd been looking for the Seeker who beat him, found him looking at an odd picture. He slithered up to him, sneering, "So, you're the showoff who won the game. Let me tell you something, your life will be made miserable in a very short while." He continued with a string of insults, starting with Mudblood and continuing from there, calling Van's friends also equally unflattering names. This put Van into a rage- Hitomi was being particularly bashed

Miserable indeed, thinks Draco, just listen to all the mean words I'm using in as short a time as I can!
Whoops, you can't. But that's a good thing. Even Captain Obvious is bored.

Quote :: "My life?" Van replied softly. He shook with head with a slight smile. "I think not." Before Draco could react, three of his ribs were broken, along with an arm, while another arm was dislocated. He was then pinned up against the stony wall.
"Just one question-strangling or breaking your neck?" Van smiled, eerily, while the boy on the wall stared in fear.
Van moved his hands up to Draco's neck, where he squeezed lightly. "Strangling isn't easier, but you'll look much prettier. You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Draco kicked out weakly, but didn't try to fight back. Fear was written plainly over his pointed face.
"No," he gasped. Van withdrew his sword, cutting a small line on Draco's cheek; history seemed to almost repeat itself.

Draco, meet Major Overreaction, a close buddy of Van's. Sheesh, all you had to do was tell him that you're rubber. I doubt Draco would've approached without his wand out, anyway - Van should be immobilised right now. I'm disappointed Draco didn't at least unlock an expression. Stupid passive voice! ~~Commander~~ ~~Lieutenant-Commander~~ Lieutenant Said just hates life.

Can you even cut someone's face with a sword while pinning them to a wall? Rather tight quarters. At least we've fulfilled my fight scene quotas: defying physics, acting like a psychopath, being OOC, random sword, presumed wetting of pants.

Quote :: That was when she saw the boy pinned against the wall. He looked like Dilandau from far away.
"WHAT THE HELL? THAT BETTER NOT BE DILANDAU, VAN!" she thundered, her hand on her sword. As she got closer, she then realized it was the Slytherin she'd noticed before.

Love how she doesn't seem to care if it's anyone else. I can't believe no one in-story has bothered to address there being swords waving around all over the place. No way McGonagall would put up with that.

Quote :: He shook his head. "Just some irate guy who's decided that you're a slut, albino and a few other things," he replied, making Selena explode with anger. Professor McGonagall stood in the shadows, unseen by the students and too shocked to know what to do.

I swear, I don't read ahead, yet the characters always come right after I mention them. Hmm. Let's try to make this a better fic... Pinky! Jar-Jar! Indiana Jones' son! Quark! Sebastian! Lumiere!

LOL@Draco calling anyone else an albino. Congratulations to Van and Suelena, who have each unlocked a new expression! Let us hope that characters will now opt to 'explode' rather than drool, as the house elves would like something new to clean up.

Quote :: "Stand him up, Van," Selena calmly ordered. He protested, but did what she said. Her hand moved backwards, and the sound of a bone-cracking slap filled the hallway, echoing. The teacher had taken control of herself and appeared, her eyes blazing.
"That will be enough, you two!" she barked. She wasn't quite sure what had happened, but it seemed that Van was trying to kill the fellow for insulting his friends. The female student, who had been looking for the Quidditch Seeker, had found out what Draco had been saying and had decided to get him back.Selena and Van stood, staring at the professor as if wanting to see the Cruciatus curse performed on her.
Draco's shallow, ragged breathing was the only sound to be heard in the corridor. "Never has this school had such a violent act committed. Your punishment will be severe! We'll be going to Dumbledore's office now, to see about expelling you," her voice said icily.

*sigh* I guess the character mentioning didn't work. Maybe just within the fandoms. Hagrid?

Now McG's just being a drama queen; the Chamber was a much bigger deal. Way to not stop the slap that broke Draco's bootiful face. Guess you were too busy with General Exposition. At least you used a word (the only one I have [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]) from the "Spliffingly..." collection.

The question now is, are they going to get expelled? Ahahahahahahahahaha [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: Dumbledore looked up, his eyes twinkling. "What's the problem?" he asked merrily, "Have these students tried to kill someone?"

They must've interrupted Dumbledore's nightly Lemon Sherbets & Butterbeer binge (at least they got there before he convinced the portraits to have an orgy). If I was a head~~master~~mistress, Dumbledore's second question would be the utter last thing I'd ask. According to movies, you can't have a school without a murder attached (it takes a sacrificial virgin to break ground), so it would eventually be true, and someone would get suspicious and blame me. Much as I love Agatha Christie novels, I don't think I can count on Poirot to save me. I bet Miss Marple's a witch, though.

Quote :: "That is exactly why they are here," replied the professor sternly. Dumbledore's expression cleared, and he gave the two his traditional piercing glare. They both stared stonily back. Gaea hadn't been disrupted just over piercing glares.
"You may leave, Minerva." He gestured to the students to sit down.

Within two paragraphs, Dumbledore's eyes have sparkled, cleared and pierced. I've figured it out. They are made of diamond. I'm worried that Suelena's are the same way, since he must be her grandfather to take such interest. For further proof, he has just unlocked two (2) new expressions, tying Selena as the only individual to do so.

I wish this was one of those cases where I say something, we fast-forward and it turns out to be true. Unfortunately, this is just me pulling a Trelawney. Not like you can spoil what is already spoilt anyway. Case in point (square brackets are my added comments):

Quote :: Selena answered serenely [ew pun], "Some student's been insulting all of us, so Van went at him, then I found them. I then found out what he was calling me, and slapped him. I believe I broke his jaw, or possibly tore some nerves."
"You would kill someone for your friends' sake? [In that case, let me tell you what Voldemort said about Shesta! Oh? Well, there was also Dalet, Miguel, Gatti... I can keep going, just let me know when I reach someone you actually care about.]"
"Yes," they answered simultaneously.
"You do know I have no choice but to expel you."
Van shrugged. "My home needs me anyway. Besides, there's something I need to tell some people." Dumbledore sighed, realizing that there was probably no punishment made that would probably serve to discipline the odd new Gryffindors. Possibly Azkaban, but the students were underage.
"I know you're trying to find a way to discipline us, but let me tell you, there isn't a way. We've seen things that people in any world would retch at," Selena said practically.
Dumbledore decided that there was only one thing to do. "Your house will lose all the points they've accumulated, and it will be spread evenly throughout the other houses. An expulsion will not be necessary, yet.
However, I will write a letter to your parents about this." He'd let the students give them a miserable time.

Can't stop laughing at how ridiculously Dumbledore's thoughts are see-sawing! He must've married a ketchup heiress since we last saw him.

Attempt to deconstruct his thought patterns despite General Stupidity (he and the Major are bros; the Stupidities traditionally serve the forces of Suck): [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] "Dear Diary, I fear our new students are causing somewhat of an uproar. What is a headmaster to do? I already charged their wands with magic, set up an education fund for all nine of them, secured them prestigious wizarding apprentices, bought them shops to set up in, smuggled in a number of young slave girls with actual magic to be raised as their spouses, purchased some fine enchanted cribs, and ordered their tombstones. Securing one's grand~~daughter's~~ ~~son's~~ daughter's future such that her overweening sociopathy and idiocy does not alienate everyone around her is no picnic.
"But let me not forget: I am Albus Dumbledore! Looking back through these pages, I see only one solution that has historically served me as viable: 'Let the students deal with it'. Let it be written. I have a limbo competition to judge (as head of the Wizengamot, my time is in great demand).
"Tickles 'til next time, Al"

Quote :: "Our parents? They're all dead. You won't find records of us anywhere." She paused. "I did think that Slytherin would lose points for name-calling and swearing.

Now THAT'S arson, murder and jaywalking! I thought it was such a "Zing!!!" moment at the time, too.
Gee, he found enough records of you to track you down and bring you over from ANOTHER PLANET that no one else on either planet know how to cross between. I wouldn't be so sure he couldn't find a way to let your parents know. I'm sure he just said that to pave the way for the family reunion; the darkness is strong in that one.

Quote :: The two of them glided out of the office, chatting about the way Van had flown during the Quidditch game. [psychos!] When they emerged in the Gryffindor common room, the party was still roaring. The Gryffindors saw Van, and were about to drag him into the center of things, but he shook his head.
Professor McGonagall entered shortly next [Spot the Tautology roars back to life]. "Your house points have all been taken away, due to an attempted murder tonight by two Gryffindor students," she announced sorrowfully [Admiral Ly is snickering; ~~Lieutenant~~ Sub Lieutenant Said should be sad but can't help but join in]. All heads riveted towards the two new arrivals in the room, while groans were heard in the background.
After the head of house left, people began to be extremely rude towards the Lady and the King. Only a few students believed it hadn't been them, and even they were mean. After a while of this, Hitomi and the Gaeans were extremely annoyed, and stormed out of the Common Room, jeers following them.

Entitled much? "How dare they dislike us! We only removed the only means of boosting morale and comraderie between them through something we murderously overreacted about! Hmph!" Yeah, not even Hitomi, in all her sensible civilian glory, points out that they got off light and should be held accountable. Return of the pod people!

I'm proud of the Gryffindors for what they've unlocked, though: the actions of ~~dragging (opportunity for a mob scene? if only.)~~ did not succeed at that combination riveting (now they are qualified to work in construction - but not to be interesting, just to clarify), ~~groaning~~ too passive and jeering; and the emotions of rudeness (at the EXTREME level for extra points!), and meanness. Okay, maybe they didn't do as well as I thought. At least they tied Suelena Dumbledore's record.

Quote :: For the rest of the week, both Gryffindors and Slytherins were particularly nasty towards the Gaea group- who didn't actually care. Seeing this, the school moved on to practical jokes and burnings of homework. Until Dilandau was irritated with the whole Mystic Moon and slapped anyone who did anything. He even set a new record of Most Detentions in One Month While In Hogwarts, Most Slaps By One Person in Hogwarts, and Gryffindor went into negative points.What happened eventually was that they were dubbed as the 'bad' group, people stayed away from them and vice versa. To the teachers' surprise, they didn't bully anyone, even getting Draco to stop teasing Neville. This worked out wonderfully for the whole school, except for Malfoy, of course.

Aw, so much unlocking. Everyone's so robotic in this school, it might as well be ~~Gunnerkrigg~~ Suckerkrigg Court.
The idea of "the 'bad' group" is so retro (square flavour, not groovy), I'm surprised they don't have spurs on their brooms, dine & dash at the soda fountain and have singoffs in hallways. Didn't they just get a group name in the Hogsmeade chapter? Of all the phenomena on Earth they decided to latch onto, it just had to be Prince.
Durnit, why did we have to miss the practical jokes? Not that my idea of pulling one wasn't hiding homework, but just imagine the hours Suelena would spend trying to figure how to get into a short-sheeted bed. "I think I grew after supper, now I won't fit!" Major Embarassment wants something to do other than flagellating me.

[quote]One day at breakfast, Ginny Weasley came down looking very agitated. She hadn't been doing very well in anything lately, and the Chamber of Secrets had left a mark on her forever./quote]Why did Tom have to magically inscribe "Lord Voldemort was here" on her ass? Why?!?!?

Quote :: As she slumped down at the breakfast table, alone as usual

The rest of her friends were at a Good Charlotte/My Chemical Romance concert.

Quote :: someone noticed her. Viole felt concerned for her, not knowing why

It was the reams of blood WEEPING from her wrists!!

Quote :: "What's the matter?" came a voice by Ginny's ear. She jumped, expecting to see Ron, but instead saw a handsome boy

Just cut it off there for the LOLs. I realised that in describing Scary Spice with Ginger's hair colour, I was kind of describing Carrot Top.

Quote :: with long wavy brown hair. "You don't look well." Ginny burst into tears suddenly and told her life story. Viole just sat there, listening and saying comforting things. When she was finished, he said, "People have been treating you badly just because of that? And you say no one even died?"

"They can be so sensitive. You rape one kitten, pillage dozens of places, enslave their mothers... you know???"

I wrote an ode to how awful the writing is so far, with illustrations:

The telling [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] and the showing [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] style were fighting [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] for the crown
The telling [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] beat the showing [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] style all around the town.
Some [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] gave them snark bait [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] - and some was immense [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ;
Some [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] gave them good reviews and drummed them out of sense [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] .

Gosh, poetry's tiring, especially when you have to illustrate it all yourself! I think I deserve a drink or eight for all my ~~plagiarism~~hard work. Where's the bottle of ~~Bailey's~~Carolan's? (shockingly, my brilliance has not yielded me riches yet, so I have to drink the no-name versions. Never again for ~~Kahlua~~Bolivar though, Major Shame's still riding me on that one, and not in the way I prefer)

'Putting off finishing the chapter?' I believe the tank of sharks I'm drinking with after rubbing myself with tuna would beg to differ.

*sigh* So a CERTAIN cartillaginous fish - not naming names! - vomited up the following quote, probably because I read my mind again:

Quote :: She shook her head. "Look, I can't even count the destruction I've done. Don't worry about it, people can be extremely odd at times," he replied soothingly.
Ginny sniffed. "Have you ever killed anyone before? I feel as if I have, sometimes," she confided.
"You want the real truth? I have. I'm not actually quite sure how many people are dead because of me." She stared up at him with a surprised expression, but believed him.

Man, I am so flipping Toothy over for that. Just as good as a turtle that way. We should start a surprise-o-meter, maybe one for 'shock' too. These newcomers make Hogwarts so exciting these days!1!!1!

Another fun experiment in cutting the quote:

Quote :: "I can't even count the destruction I've done," he replied soothingly.

I know hearing that makes me sleep better at night. I just wish the serial killer who owned my house had installed a PA system that worked both ways, so I could find out how to retract the spikes in the driveway.

Quote :: "This is such a great beginning, isn't it?" she asked, her tear-streaked face breaking into a smile. "I'm Ginny Weasley, by the way. Nice talking to you."
"And to you," the DragonSlayer replied. "I'm Viole. And you should really come over to sit with us." He pulled her up before she could protest, and dragged her towards the corner where the group of fifth-years usually ate. They looked up, greeting her warmly after introductions.

I thought Dilandau was slapping everyone? *disappointed*

According to the wall of news clippings I came across in my basement, murderers and criminals tend to introduce themselves before confessing. I suspect that this is not real Hogwarts at all, but merely their Opposite World campus.

Quote :: The days following that, Ginny never sat elsewhere but next to Viole. Viole was always attentive to her, and Harry was all but forgotten. Ginny hung around with Viole, the other DragonSlayers, Van, Hitomi, Selena and Dilandau. They never minded that she was younger than them, and she reminded Van of Merle, at times.

My theory is confirmed. In real life, the teenage boy who pays attention to a teenage girl, has deep conversations with her, and is in the same group she is will never be chosen over the boy who never notices her and whom her family (Ron, at least) will be annoyed she's dating. Ever.

Quote :: They shared most of their secrets with her, and she shared hers equally with them.

Ain't no thang; for them, sharing a secret is like farting or burping. So far, Ginny's flow like the blood from her cuts.

Quote :: When Selena and Dilandau procured jewelry for any Hogsmeade trips, it was divided between all ten of them. All the money dazed Ginny, who'd only seen that much when Bill had taken her on a tour of Gringotts. She spent most of her money, but even then still had enough to last her for probably two years.

*drinks ~~champagne~~Bambino enviously with General Exposition* (I consulted with Admiral Ly: drinking enviously is perfectly au fait)

Quote :: After a few weeks, Hermione noticed that Ginny was good friends with Selena, and decided to do a little interrogation.

Hermione, as far as I can tell, has 5 friends at Hogwarts. One of them's a giant, so it doesn't take much to notice him. How is she so slow in the uptake when it comes to keeping track of friend #5?

Quote :: "Anyways, you've found a lot of new friends now, haven't you?" Hermione said, leading up to her topic. Ginny nodded. "But you know, they are the bad crowd, according to all of Hogwarts. Who knows what they might get into?"

LMAO!!!! This must've been around the time we kept having 'special assemblies' at school. The answer to Hermione's question is probably...SMOKING. (yup, brought back that LOLtastic bit of formatting from earlier) I shouldn't knock the narmtastic speeches, though; all those assemblies on the dangers of smoking, STDs, and pregnancy were very effective. They always talked about the cost of smoking or raising a child, so now I spend all my money on pizza, booze, condoms and musical instruments (everyone needs a hobby!).

Quote :: "They aren't! They just happen to have strong beliefs, aren't afraid of doing things, can fight and they're all really loyal!" Ginny exclaimed. She wondered why Hermione had wanted to talk. Probably to tell her not to hang around with them, she'd get into bad stuff, yadda yadda.

1) British people say yadda? 2) even if I was forced into the Sisyphean task of defending them, that was not how I'd go about it. I'd probably refer them to Captain Obvious for his next underwater mission on the Adverb-III submarine (you can't desert at the bottom of the ocean! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]) with a recommendation letter involving the phrase "good at fighting, but require slaps and threats of haircuts to keep in line."

Quote :: Hermione sighed. "Well, you never know. Especially with Selena. How could she know how to fight, and why does she hold such a mysterious power over the boys? It could be dark magic, even. You know how she and Van tried to kill Malfoy."

Add a "Golly gee" into each of Hermione's sentences to get her reasoning into better context (we've unlocked enough actions to buy words in the "Gee Whiz, Pop-a-doodle!" collection now!). If Hermione's jealous, it's because Selena's boys listen to her when she's an imbecile, while Hermione's intelligence gets laughed off with her boys. In her defence, she may be trying to overthrow Selena in order to lead a task force of Dragon Slayers against Voldemort. I wish this was one of those moments where I'd be proven uncannily right.

Quote :: "It's not magic. She knows them all very well, and she's learnt how to fight throughout her life. Van and her were trying to kill Malfoy over some things he said, and you know he would deserve it." Hermione looked in surprise at Ginny. She was confident and determined now, extremely different from her previous self.

Yes, the stick up your behind that self-righteousness gives you can be mistaken for backbone.

Quote :: Hermione thought fast.

But as we will see by her answer, not fast enough.

Quote :: "Well, you know, she is in my dormitory, and I've been thinking I should get to know the girls in my dorm better.

It's only been 5 years, after all.

Quote :: And since you're friends with her, I thought I might want to know a bit about her first. I don't want to offend her." She was pleased with her excuse and quick thinking.

General Stupidity was all [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.], but I realised Hermione had a point. The risk of getting slapped is a mighty one.

Quote :: "You won't," Ginny spoke shortly and with an air of conclusion. She gave the impression that the conversation was over. "There's Dilandau," she said, changing the subject. "I was going to ask him to teach me sword fighting, and I may as well do that now. Bye, Hermione." Ron's sister skipped off quickly, leaving Hermione to stare at her retreating back in surprise.

The Spot The Tautology committee is now in sessions! ~~Sub-Lieutenant~~ ~~Acting Sub-Lieutenant~~ Sub-Lieutenant Said is getting whiplash from all the gratuitous dialogue tags. Unnecessary Writer Writes Unnecessarily Once More For Another Time, leaving the committee in silence and tears. Silent tears.

ETA: dammit, there was an Author's Note at the end. The poison gas that seeps from the vents showed up early tonight, so my eyes are a little blurry.

Quote :: I'm not actually sure, but I think I'll put Allen and someone else we know in Hogwarts later.

Is it his parents?? For the Dumbledore family reunion? LOL can't remember if my vagueness re 'someone else' was because I was being ~*suspenseful*~ or because I had no frigging clue yet.

Quote :: Just to visit, though- I'll create a Hogwart's Guardian Day.

LIE. The 'someone else' totally stayed and even dragged her brother-in-law into it (they created whole new subjects for them, IIRC - special!). I should've recruited one of the Unnecessaries into the Forces of Suck; by now, he'd have seized control of the country and crowned himself Emperor.

Quote :: Although I know the points-losing idea is from the 1st Harry Potter book, it's the only thing I could think of without getting Van & Selena expelled in the plot.

Lazy, lazy,
Lazy the stupid fan,
I'm half crazy all from your dumbass wank,
It doesn't have stylish wordage,
I can't afford this hemmorhage,
'But you look deep' -
(Or so you think) -
'If you steal from the author's book!'

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Author's note:

Quote :: The Christmas gifts may sound stupid, but I couldn't really think of much.

Oh great, a Christmas chapter. Maybe a carolling filk will be in order? Not that any holiday feature could measure up after the Supernatural episode where they impale the villains with a Christmas tree, but I'm crestfallen to recall that nothing close to those plot elements will be involved.

Quote :: Oh, and let's all say that Hitomi learnt English in school, and the Gaeans automatically adapted to English when taken from their planet.

More of Dumbledore's dark magic at work. In the case of the latter, anyway. Doesn't take much of, well anything really, to convince a Japanese parent to force their kid to learn English. I nearly ended up as one of those teachers , so I rest my case. That's right, the author of this fic almost became an English teacher. As Sandy Ryerson says in Glee, "Kill yourself!!"

Quote :: The Gaeanese is the name of the club that they've formed.

A club. There's a freaking club?!?! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] PLEEEEEEEEASE let it be used to whack each other into silence, frequently, and be made of mistletoe (poisonous! maybe that's there's so much in my garden...), lightning, the tears of the Spot the Tautology Committee, and the bones of a bilby (found some in my pantry the other day!). Only then, will I believe it a fitting club for the Dragon Slayers&co [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]. Seriously? They couldn't even make it a cult?

Quote :: And the people who requested to be in this chapter? You are mentioned, and will be in the story more later.

FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUUUUCK. and I thought Dumbledore was going darkside

Quote :: For the Christmas holiday, Harry and his friends signed up to stay at Hogwarts, as usual. So did the members of the Gaeanese, as the group that included Ginny, Viole, Guimel, Shesta, Gatti, Dalet, Dilandau, Hitomi and Van had once again termed themselves.

LMAO why didn't the line about it being a club just show up in the story as opposed to the Author's Notes? No one reads those stupid things anyway. I can see why that tortuously extensive list of names had to be shortened, though Captain Obvious says this method of doing so makes T-Pain's Autotune barely noticeable.

Quote :: It was now an exclusive club, with only those ten and Folken as their caretaker.

... off to play some roulette, BRB.
Dammit got lost in the yard and somehow got involved in a game of Russian roulette instead. Deserved.
I won't deny that Folken did kind of serve as the Dragon Slayers' caretakers, but even the one that looks like a sheep would've slapped anyone who implied it. I'm just going to hope he's caretaking the exclusive Mistletoe![You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]![You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]!bilby! club, instead. Everyone would fight over it if he didn't.

Quote :: They had all celebrated Hitomi's birthday earlier that month, on December 9th.

Lah-dee-freaking-dah, I see someone finally went on the show's reference site. A Smug Alert is now in effect for the general vicinity of the border between Past and Suck (yes, even though Suck's an island nation; it's a lot of Smug).

No, I'm sorry, they formed a fucking club. Not even a battalion or a mace. A club. Minutes from it, taken by trusty secretary Hitomi (the only one who understands those weird squiggles), must go like this:
Selena ~~once I spent the month teaching her how to tell time~~ called the meeting of the Gaeanese to order at 2pm. I moved to - Van seconded my motion. It was put to a vote. Dilandau slapped everyone so ~~he could laugh at it first~~ I could explain it. I moved to change the name of the club - break for maniacal laughter - pointing out that I was not actually from Gaea and to name the club - break for maniacal laughter - as such felt exclusionary. Miguel argued that the point of the club - break for, etc, - was to be exclusive. Van cut his (Miguel's) face with his sword (Miguel's). A half hour into his (Van's)* and Dilandau's latest duel to the death, Selena ruled that Van had been out of order to attack Miguel, and we revoted. Vote was thrown out once we discovered the president had counted twentyteen for, eleventy-second against. Van died, again. I convinced Selena to conclude the meeting and visit Dumbledore by 'predicting' it.
* recruit more female members
END

Quote :: As always, there was to be a huge Christmas feast, with presents on Christmas morning.

I always assumed the presents came part & parcel with, you know, friends. Does Dumbledore pony up more of his Rumpelstiltskin money to make sure that presents happen for, say, Eloise Midgen? That poor little ~~man~~ ~~gnome~~ ~~halfling~~ elf is in thrall, spinning like made to make Selena think her poppycock - finally saved up enough to buy a new "Spliffingly Fake, Old Cock" word [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] - method of getting gold could actually work. He didn't even use to be able to do it, until her idea came along and was so much stupider than his made sense.

Quote :: They all used their hoards of gold to buy presents for each other. This was excruciating, for at least ten presents were bought.

I agree. It was excruciating. I asked myself, "Why did I use so much passive voice?" and then I figured out that you are what you write. Slash fans who slash things that should not be slashed are likely people who slash things that should not be slashed. I wrote passive voice and so sat around at the computer or television all day. I totally answered that question the wrong way. Oh well, it's Opposite World. Allowed.
Is their *snorfle* club doing a Secret Santa (no reason any of them would know what that was), if only 10+ presents were bought? Shouldn't there be, like, 90? Frightening how this fic, not satisfied to drain my writing or common sense, took from my math as well. IT IS A ~~VAMPIRE~~ ~~BRAINPIRE~~ ZOMBIE.

Quote :: Gatti, in a burst of generosity,

Why the Hell not? It isn't his money.

Quote :: managed to buy Invisibility Cloaks for all his friends, and a beautiful necklace to his girlfriend, [other reviewer]. Dalet had teamed up with him, and he got a similar necklace for his girlfriend [reviewer]. The others mainly stuck to books, sweets, clothing, novelty items, jewelry, and weapons (fighters must have more than one sharp, pointy object!).

Shit shit SHIT it begins! The insert of readers as characters' girlfriends! At least I didn't do it for myself, but I can't believe I went along with such an awful idea! I started to think 'What next?' and then the storyline where we find out Gatti had a wife!! Who died!! And a little girl!! And a baby!! And then they come to Hogwart and it's so improbably and stupid and sickening and of course supposed to be sweet and cute. Yeah, like a girl who carries a dog in her purse.
So then I stopped trying to court (another new "Spliffingly..." word!) Major Brain Damage.

Quote :: Van gave Hitomi her pendant, along with a sketch he'd bought that looked like her and a fly around the land, while he gave his brother a statue of an angel (which, of course, looked like a Draconian).
Christmas was new to most of them, but they embraced the holiday at once.

NONE OF THESE ARE GOOD IDEAS. Or make sense. Or -
*even Captain Obvious gets tired of hearing it and escorts me out for a margarita break*

Quote :: Professor Snape had even given Folken a Sneakoscope, trying to get on his good side. Folken was the new Head of Ravenclaw, since another teacher had backed down from the position. This suited Folken, as he'd always been the brilliant type anyway.

Begins with an Flit, ends with a wick, looks like Rumpelstiltskin, ring a bell?
OMG Flitwick is totally Rumpelstiltskin. Figure it out, Hermione, only you can save him from the crushing tyranny of the Escaflowne twits' greed! It makes it even more galling that Folken takes his place, so that the *snort* 'cluuuuub' (added vowels added to simulate the amount of scorn going into the word) profits from Flitwick's exploitation even further. DOES DUMBLEDORE'S CRUELTY KNOW NO BOUNDS?!?
*wipe tears from eyes, because that cracked me up for some reason. and also because of the poison gas being pumped into the room*
Damn, I'm so lazy I couldn't even punish myself properly for this fic but just fell back on a murder house to do it for me. 'Lazy, the stupid fan' indeed.

Quote :: Hitomi had relaxed her rule on tarot reading, and was going to teach them. The two fifth-year girls had magically moved their bed together. Ginny had found a book of interesting spells to change your look, which they were all anxious to try out.

Jeez, Hitomi, after the debacle with the clock? You know if you try and teach her the cards, even just using the pictures, you'll be there for years. Then again, the two of you did 'magically move your bed together', and I understand that's a big step to take. It sure explains why you put up with her idiocy.

I think some nitrous oxide may have been mixed into tonight's gas cocktail because I can't stop laughing. Well, you see what the next line is:

Quote :: "Selena, how can you slap people so hard?" Ginny asked.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

It's a very complicated equation, but general thanks is owed to the emptiness of her head and genital region. And she has (I assume) breasts. They add a lot to slapping.

But WOW, just how it gets asked as if it's part of the beginning of a "feminine" commercial and Ginny has her head tilted to the side, eagerly awaiting an answer, and nods seriously as she receives it and you can see her thinking "Uh-huh, uh-huh". Then, Selena starts warning her about side effects really quickly and Ginny creases her forehead and does a little pout, as if to say, 'Golly gosh, this sounds awful complicated, I just don't know!' (what can I say, the "Gee Whiz, Pop-a-doodle" word collection is better priced than "Spliffingly Fake, Old Cock", to my surprise). And then at the end one of them says something that's supposed to be funny though it isn't, then everyone laughs.
I think my spork took a fork in the road. Nevertheless, it might be fun to see how much of my vision matches up. I'm a little afraid to see what's next, though. It's late and I don't want to wake any of the Sucky officers (the preferred adjective to use for the denizens of Suck, JSYK).

Quote :: Selena laughed. "Practice. Dilandau taught me, you know; he was always slapping people." All the girls there knew about Selena's previous adventures, so they knew what she meant.

So they're nodding thoughtfully and wisely right now. Things are going according to plan. What do you mean, Admiral Ly is planning a coup? He doesn't have the jui- well, how did he get the juice, then? Oh... oh. *makes self roll around in the fallen mistletoe leaves*
I blame those ads for wommin. You know those scripts - yeah, the ones small enough for Twitter - are chock full of adv- oh, so now I can't even say the word? What's the worse that could- [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] I see. Well, not quite. Temporary blindness and all.

Quote :: "So what is it we do?" asked Selena, open-mouthed and bewildered after Hitomi had explained the basics of tarot.

I know we totally - [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] whoops - expected this one, but it is still funny to me to see it play out.

Quote :: "We're trying to learn how to use tarot cards," replied Ginny. "It's the
[formatting = sic] most complicated thing I have ever endeavored to learn, and beyond."
Although Hermione didn't believe in any fortune-telling, she decided she might as well join. It wasn't like it would actually work, right?

Gin-Gin's just saying that to be nice to Duncelena. The fact that she's speaking on Duncelena's behalf is why she's channelling Toy Story, Muggleness aside (Arthur would totally have snuck the kids into that movie. It used comtupers!). I had no idea how tarot cards actually - [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] goddammit, Ly, I'm assigning you to the Adverb-III, yeah I'll bet you 'meant to do that' - worked. Hermione's rhetorical question is fresh out of the catwalks of the "Famous Last" word collection. As long as whatever prediction comes out isn't as stupid as the banged clairvoyant's one. Major Prophecy was pissed at her, though he's enjoying the current slumber party. The explosions in particular. Doesn't matter how prophesised an event is, you never predict the explosions.

Quote :: "Can I join?" Hermione asked. The three other girls glanced at each other, but didn't want to be rude, [when did that ever stop them?] so they let her stay with them. She picked up tarot reading eventually, long after the others did.

You had a head start, douchenozzles!! Hermione could derive you around her middle finger any day! I think they're sapping Rumpelflitwick's brain power as well as gold to give to Selena (not often, the spell for that one sucks) if she beat Hermione, head start or no.

They decide to sneak to the kitchen for food.

Quote :: "It's behind a still life of fruit," replied Hermione. "You tickle a pear. But we can't go there now, guys! We'll be seen, and Gryffindor already has -89 points!"

TBH, negative points still amuse me. But if positive points are jewels in the hourglass, what are negative points, like, ghouls? In other news, Hermione suddenly turns milquetoast after years of bravery. Sheesh, after this night a reSorting would put her into Hufflepuff.

Quote :: "Don't worry," Selena said cheerfully, "Gatti gave us Invisibility Cloaks for Christmas, we'll use those." She paused, and her face lit up. "I've got an even better idea!

Don't say that! I have to batten down the hatches because no way is anything good coming now.

Quote :: We'll have a Christmas party with the others!"
"Wonderful!" Hitomi exclaimed.

Things make much more sense in this fic under the assumption that people are sleeping with Suelena. Major Brain Damage can't get enough of her, calling her a fascinating case.

Quote :: We'll have to be quiet, though.""No, we won't," Ginny joined in, "We can put a Silence Spell on to keep people away. It'll be brilliant"

"No, it won't," I joined in (much to ~~Acting Sub-Lieutenant~~ ~~Naval Cadet~~ Mister Said's ~~chagrin~~ surprise). "Your punctuation still hurts me to look at, and a Silence Spell has proven no avail on the likes of you."
It's Christmas hols and we're under the assumption that other than these ninnies (new "Spliffingly..." word! they're on sale this chapter), only Harry, Ron & Hermione are there. Do we really think they'll run crying to McGonagall over a loud party 4 floors down?? Or, you know, anywhere? Ever?
I really dk why I wanted to write this crossover so badly if I was only going to marginalise or villainise all the characters of the world I chose to set it in. IIRC, I read a few fics with Esca peeps at Hogwarts and decided that I wanted to see them there, but ran out of reading material including it so WROTE MY OWN. Minus the douchery of setting, that's pretty much how I still do crossovers (they're in my blood. Really. "C" is for crossover!! I knew those sickle cells had to be good for something, if not, y'know, retaining O2)

Oh no, oh no. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] I saw a little bit ahead and figured out what's next and it's just so awful (and now you're just excited. vulture [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]).

OK lots of [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]now. The last one's unrelated, I was going to throw up from the Sheer Bad (Suck's #1 vacation spot! Experience the famous Slippery Slope today!) no matter what. At least this way it tastes like cheap booze, which is better than... I think Selena came up with this plan.

It took some muscle relaxants (there were roofies in the murder house's downstairs bathroom) to stop cringing in mortification enough to be able to type, but here goes.

Quote :: Hermione looked increasingly more nervous. "Don't worry, Hermione. You can stay here if you want," Ginny suggested.
Hermione relented, and promised not to tell on them. Then she went back to bed.

Back to bed? When did she go there in the first place? If you're a guy and you assume every female sleepover involves sexy hijinks, I may have to concede the point in this case. Of course, there was that one time with the... oh right, we were supposed to get to the ~~good~~ ~~horrible~~ gorrible part of the fic.

Quote :: Selena [...] was attempting to carry back several heavy pastries, meat, soup and drinks.

LOL it says that because she can't count how many there actually are! Wow, so much to read into now I know what I'm looking for. Whyever they sent the tiniest one to fetch the heavy stuff Idk. I mean, when Harry does it, it's because it's his damn Cloak, Map, & idea, but Invisibility Cloaks are dime-a-dozen in Gryff Tower now, and you should never listen to Selena's ideas anyway. *burp, groan* Trust me, I speak from bitter experience. Literally.

Quote :: After this was carried out, the Gaeanese party began. They ate, and talked, then shared all their presents. After this, Van and Hitomi went off in a corner by themselves, and Viole talked to Ginny. All the others kept on talking, and performing or making up odd spells to amuse themselves.

But... wait... where's the beer keg everyone drinks upside-down from? Where's the extensive property damage (it's cool, Dumbledore'll just sacrifice another soul to get that antique mantelpiece back)? Where's the ridiculously soon-to-be-dated dancing and music?? Or the pool (again, I use teen movies as my guide for what should happen in life)?
This is the WORST PARTY EVER. If the Dragon Slayers were in their right mind (see the theory 2 quotes down), they would be bemoaning the lack of pillage and rape, which at least sound more like a regular party than this wobbly, soulless blancmange.
But there's food. That being my mum's sole criteria for rating parties, she'd probably think this was awesome, despite the company.

Quote :: One of these spells must have gone wrong, for a shadow suddenly appeared in the room, then became solid. The figure formed into a man with dark hair. He surveyed the room, then laughed. "So, I'm in Hogwarts somehow. How did I get here?" he mused. He would've been afraid of being caught, but no one in the room seemed alarmed to see him there.

How much further can one descend into Hell before they've reached rock bottom? Am concerned about lack of real estate in future. Sirius sounds awful cool for someone who's just gotten out of the wrong side of the galaxy (Opposite World cannot be near Earth. I will not let it contaminate us).

Quote :: "We accidentally summoned you," Shesta lazily explained.

You know, I'm not sure if the Dragon Slayers are just that blasés, or if they're lobotomised. Nothing catches them off-guard, does it? They have Major Brain Damage wrapped around their little fingers.

I think the next slice of awful needs to be dished out in full, for all the snarkers' benefit:

Quote :: The man was apparently in deep thought. "The spell is close to my name, so... it must have been..." he muttered in explanation to himself. At that moment, in one of the fifth-year boys' dormitory (the Gaean boys had their own dorm, while Harry and his friends had another), Harry Potter regarded his Marauder's Map in amazement.
Sirius Black was in the Gryffindor Common Room. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, even when he put on his glasses. How and why would his godfather be here? Harry grabbed his faithful Cloak, and went down to investigate. The library, where he'd wanted to go [it's past curfew during the middle of hols. RLY? Harry never wants to go there the best of times], could wait.
When entering the large room, the first thing he saw was Hitomi and Van kissing [that may be the first kiss of the series. Sheesh] in a nearby corner. Averting his eyes from this, he saw his godfather in the middle of the room, with other fifth years and the remains of what had been a feast. "Sirius!" he called.
Sirius Black turned to meet him, his face breaking out into a grin. "Hello, Harry! You're looking quite well."
Harry's face wrinkled up in confusion. "How did you get here, and how come you came?" he asked.
Sirius ran his hands through his hair. "I don't quite know, actually. I think these people accidentally summoned me," he answered.
"That's exactly what happened," Ginny spoke up. Harry was truly amazed by now.
"Ginny? What're you doing here?"
"Eating, feasting, being merry," she shrugged, "We had a party, in other words. Don't worry, Harry" Harry noticed that she had lost her awkward manner when talking to him. This was good, in a way, but it had been nice to have an admirer. He also noticed that Ginny seemed to exude confidence, and that a fellow had his arm around her waist.
Harry smiled briefly, and wondered how Ron would've reacted to that interesting fact. [badly, but it doesn't make it interesting] "But what exactly happened, then?" he persisted. The group sighed, [God! Stupid General Exposition's stupid vacations, making us do all the work!] and Sirius took Harry off to explain in detail to him. The teenagers then toasted each other a few times with Butterbeer, then lapsed into a dull silence. Perhaps it was the effect of the drink, but at that moment, Selena started feeling very cold [from Butterbeer, the drink that warms you up. It must act on the brain], and shivered.
Dilandau noticed this, and asked with concern by conveying to Selena, What's the matter?
I'm freezing now, I don't know why. Dilandau took off his robe, leaving him in his standard black leather pants, and then gave the robe to Selena to wear. Those sitting by them, which consisted of the five DragonSlayers and Ginny, weren't really embarrassed, since. [sic. Also, he just took his shirt off, ya freakin' virgin, not streaked around the quad - more movies] For one thing, Ginny had brothers, and had accidentally walked in on them a few times, while the DragonSlayers had shared one room to change in.
Selena put on the robe over her thin nightwear, and smiled at Dilandau. Dilandau was always considerate to her, and never seemed to mind sacrificing anything of his for her.
She yawned, putting her head on his shoulder, where she quickly fell asleep. Dilandau smiled and pulled the robe more snugly around Selena.

Dilandau has definitely been replaced. I suspect a Volturi plot is afoot to exterminate the town of Forks and the dreadful fiction it spawns once and for all, so they have swapped Dilandau and Edward. No one would be surprised if Dilandau started drinking blood, so Edward's assimilation amongst them is unquestioned. Major Brain Damage points out there's no one left to question it, really. Also, Dilandward probably thinks Van is Jacob.
Speaking of Twilight, and surprise, I thought 'surprise' was my 'chagrin', but I was wrong. Obviously, 'fellow' is the true contender.Will point out that this fic was written before Twilight. I guess all badfic will have its similarities.

Every sentence of the following is wrong in its own way:

Quote :: The party was coming apart by now, since half of the teenagers were asleep. No one had yet tried to leave, as if the party was a test of stamina between them. Eventually, as the Gryffindor clock struck four o'clock, Dilandau and Van silently brought the others up to their four-poster beds. They still weren't the best of friends, but respected each other, if nothing else.

1) "Coming apart"? Teenagers asleep at a party, without an underlying substance cause = wrong. (more movie guidance)
2) Good thing Selena's not awake. Thinking about clocks makes her go cross-eyed, and then sparks shoot off the intersecting eyes, and it just goes badly. At least we have confirmation there is more than one bed in use.
3) I was going to protest, but then remembered the Edcob thing and why they were wussying out.

Quote :: Later on that day, snow fell. The students at the school went out to have a snowball fight with the teachers. Folken discovered a new way to make snowballs, that was faster and harder than the others.

Not about to let his crippling constipation stop him while he's ahead, tomorrow he takes a look at the wheel. Fire and sliced bread are to follow, if he can walk at that point.

Quote :: After the snowball fights, in which the teachers won (they'd cheated, with magic), the Gaeanese club went to sleep for the rest of the day.

The Club does not sleep. The Club makes you sleep. Major Brain Damage follows it wherever it goes (such a fanboy!).Maybe the teachers were testing the students for magical ability? I know I would.

Quote :: While the Gaeanese were sleeping, Harry had taken Sirius up to Dumbledore's office. Sirius was under the protection of an Invisibility Cloak, so the two of them had no trouble going to the office. Since neither Harry or Sirius knew the password, they were in for a long wait.

Sadly, I remember from the last chapter (or one before that). It's "Unicorn horn". Dumbledore got the idea when he sawed one off to make a backup wand for Selena. She's bound to lose hers, probably somewhere unmentionable. "Oops! Tee hee."

Quote :: "Sirius was conjured here, last night, by some of the newer Gryffindor fifth years," explained Harry, "and I wasn't sure what to do. That's why I came here."
Dumbledore stroked his beard and considered this new matter. "Summoning people is very powerful magic, Harry. I myself have not yet mastered it. Are you quite sure?" Harry nodded, and the three of them thought deeply.

Dum is obvs lying to Harry, yo. If he hadn't mastered it, none of the new kids would've been able to do it. They are merely his conduits...HIS PAWNS! He wanted Sirius there all along! Honestly, the only thing he said when they showed up was, "What's the matter?" as if there wasn't otherwise one in Sirius' appearance... because he had expected it, of course.

Quote :: However, Sirius, I would recommend you stay with Hagrid as an Animagus. I will speak to him and make the necessary arrangements. Just leave Sirius and I here for now," Dumbledore finished, standing up.

"leave... I" = awful. Hagrid shows up!! Ish. Total callback to when I tried to summon him one or two chapters ago. Luna Lovegood! Neville Longbottom! Tonks! Remus Lupin! 'Mad with power'? 'Don't abuse the forces of nature'? I spit on your whine and call it cheese!

Quote :: "Thank you, Professor," thanked Harry

The Spot the Tautology Committee has ousted Mister Said from its ranks and is proud to announce its lifetime award, to be called the Potter Prize, to recognise the most superfluous of phrases. Congratulations, Harry, on this dubious honour!Peeve drops water on him in-fic to celebrate. No other reason given for it.

Quote :: "Harry, guess what happened last night," she said.
"Sirius was summoned by Selena and her friends during a party of theirs. Ginny was there," he responded.
Hermione gasped. "I was about to say that Selena, Hitomi and Ginny were having a party last night, and Gryffindor actually didn't lose points!" She shook her head, then grumbled, "Like Selena Schezar hasn't lost enough points for our house."
Harry was beginning to think that Ron was right about Hermione being jealous of Selena.

O RLY? How much more often is Hermione right than Ron? Come on now.
I feel like real Hermione (she took the Opposite World magic shuttle back to Earth to join the X-Men with Snape) would've had more to say to address Harry's news than a mere gasp. At least she threw a ray of hope Mister Said's way - he didn't even have to collaborate with Admiral Ly, who would only rub in his top status. I inform you of real Hermione's whereabouts because you will be forced to say goodbye to her in the following passage:

Quote :: "Hermione... tell me the truth. Are you jealous of anyone?" She flushed.

"Yeah, there was the boy down the street when I was five who didn't have to go to his own parents when his teeth needed checking, that little snit in Standard Two who had a brand new set of encyclopaedias at home, Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting because he got a mentor and it was the genie from Aladdin..."
At least she gets to unlock an expression, even if it has to be my least favourite one ever. How many people do you know who actually change colour? In romance novels, it happens all the time and pisses me off. I suppose it's meant to be erotic, like in the way the flushed genitals of a baboon signal her readiness to mate. It just pisses me off.

Quote :: Well, maybe a little envious of Selena," she admitted.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the one thing that had me holding on was the belief in a sensible Hermione. Now the buck has turned. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: "Why?"
Hermione started ranting, "She's the one that attracts the boys' attention, and you should see how close she and Dilandau are! And it's just not fair that..." Hermione continued, and Harry eventually got the gist of what she was saying.
Hermione had been insanely jealous of Selena ever since the first week. This was because she liked Dilandau, and with Selena around, she didn't have half a chance.

I started to remember this once Harry asked Selena out, and I kept wondering, "Is this the part where we see Hermione and Dilandau (she'd be Hermione Albatou LMAO) interact?... how about here?" General Misconceptions made me think that there would be some buildup to the crush, even a *shudder* blush or two if need be, but that bastard let me down. General Exposition dropped him off, but I am so not giving him a ride back. Of course, the crush would come out of nowhere because I thought the pairing would be hilarious. To my credit, I don't think I ever got them properly together, knowing at least that much about them. But that was the extent of my knowledge.

Quote :: Another peeve if hers was how Selena had instantly fit in, unlike Hermione, and was approaching Hermione's spot at the top of the class.

... wow. Just, wow. It's like, is there anything more contradictory to this entire fic so far? Just mention Selena's name to General Rumours (they have a conference near my murder house this week, hence all the stripes hanging 'round), and he'll tell you everyone hates her because of that remorseless psycho attack and points-losing.

Quote :: She was also jealous of Selena's looks and her closeness to all the good-looking boys around.

Yes...IT IS RELEVANT TO HER INTERESTS.

Quote :: While Hermione continued, Harry had a sudden idea. Since he liked Selena, and Hermione liked Dilandau, they could collaborate to get who they wanted.
"Hermione!" Harry exclaimed, "I know what we could do. We'll team up - you help me get Selena, then we'll work on Dilandau."

LOL that's the 2nd time Hermione's 'continued' during her soliloquy (the Tautology people approve), about which Harry obviously doesn't give a shit. At least Harry's ideas are marginally better than Selena's, although I think he just said all that to shut Hermione up. Still think Suelena's rubbing off on him, if not in the way he would like.

Quote :: Hermione glanced skeptically at Harry. "Why would you get to go out first?"
"Well, Selena is in your dorm. Just work on her, then if she goes out with me, I can mention a double date," Harry pointed out smugly. Hermione reluctantly consented, and the plan was set in motion.

Admiral Ly has started spying for Awesome. Why? CUZ HE CAN, BITCHES. No one in Suck can touch him!

Quote :: Later on that day, Hermione was in her dorm, struggling to set up a Christmas bookshelf. Selena breezed in, so Hermione took the opportunity to talk to her. "Hey," she called, "can you help me set up this bookshelf?"
"Sure," Selena replied, ["what's a book?"] and she nailed it into the wall for Hermione.

I LOL@the phrase 'Christmas bookshelf' but have a feeling it's normal to say in the Granger household. Kind of awesome.
How does Selena have such nailing skills?... don't answer that. Seriously, she's like the blond(e) -ite in Sailor Moon Abridged who has a void instead of genitals. But I see no reason why she'd ever have seen a hammer before now. Major Brain Damage suspects she'd only knock herself in the head with one, anyway. I'm sure that's how this nailing went, but Hermione was too fake to notice (it took her weeks to spot Ginny hopping from emos to fools of Tooks, after all).From Hermione:

Quote :: "H[arry]'s been really depressed lately. I was going to bring him to Hogsmeade with me this weekend, but I think I'll probably annoy him by myself.

In your current incarnation, I regret I must agree.

Quote :: Would you be able to come? You're always optimistic, so maybe you could cheer him up. You could bring Dilandau, too."

Optimistic is a really nice take on "too stupid too understand anything bad could ever happen". No other way could we see the presented Selena as optimistic. I'm glad Hermione has kept at least one semblance (it's a volumetric unit in the Suck system, above the tad but below the bit) of nuance with her.How many Hogsmeade trips later will it take for this bitch to accept one of the HP crowd's invitations, anyway? Pretty sure it's been like 3 by now.

Quote :: Selena considered this. "Well, I already promised Dilandau I'd go with him, so if we both come and you both come, we can walk around."
Hermione smiled, and the two girls finished setting up the bookshelf.

Ding ding ding! Another Potter award! The underlined phrase is right up there with Showgirl's "Everybody got AIDS & shit!" (the quote so lampooned by the Nostalgia Chick).

*groan* Author's note time. Some gems this time.

Quote :: Hogwarts will be having a few events in the future of this story, which will involve other Escaflowne characters.

You could say my bowel will be having a few events in the future of this week, but that would tell you shit all. Tempted to hand this sentence a Potter Award, but it's no "Everybody got AIDS & shit!"

Quote :: Should I involve any of the cat girls? Just because Naria and Eriya are upposedly dead doesn't mean that they are (I've thought f an explanation for this, if needed)

Ahahahahaha. Major Death-Nevermind is poised for action, I see. What use would two clingy adult cat women (the phrase 'cat girls' aside) have at Hogwarts? All they could really be is Folken's harem, which sounds inappropriate but would air his dirty laundry and give those squares something to [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] about. I think those were my main requirements for ~*drama!!*~ [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] It can probably go without saying, but no, you really didn't think of an explanation for this. LOL@"if needed". Major Death-Nevermind has gotten so prevalent that no one cares about Private Explanation anymore.

Quote :: Wait, Harry's not 4'? Also, Brits use metres.

I'm british and when measuring my height I work in feet and inches. Everyone I know works in feet and inches. And I know a lot of people and they are all british. I don't even know my own height in metres. I know I'm 5ft 2in but I have no idea what that is in metres, not without using a convertor.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Oh. Probably a good thing - metres is unweildy. It seems to be the thing in Europe & Asia though, from what I've seen, or maybe their ID cards are just playing lip service to the System Internationale, which I adore outside of cheating on them with feet and inches. What else is a girl to do when the first segment of her pinky is an inch exactly??

Will revise. Unfortunately, I do not know a lot of people and they are not all British, but I do what I can.

Note to all - trying to finish my 70,000 word crossover epic (yeah, yeah, history repeats itself, maybe I'll snark it in 10 years) so I can devote the proper attention to sending up Inklings of Stupidity, so updates may be a little thin on the ground 'til then. I assume the whole MST will take hours to read anyway; the time it took to write it is 2 forevers, the largest unit of measurement for time in the Suck System. My prognosis is that you'll live.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Well, sheesh. Finishing an epic takes a lot less time than I anticipated.

Didn't get to the next chapter yet because it takes considerable time, but for those who want to believe in a higher power, I did up a comparison chart on that LJ-thingy I have to show how my dialogue changed over time. Revisit your most LOLarious lines from Inklings of Stupidity here.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Having failed at a spectacularly large number of things lately, I decided now was the time for another chapter of spork; I enjoy being faced with the fact that I'll never be as much of a loser as I was back then. This is why I'm so comfortable with self-sporking. Also why I didn't pass psychology.

Chapter Eight: Cupidity
*hides in the ~~panic room~~abduction holding cell from the Chapter Title Fairies, who have decided this is war*
Haven't looked at the chapter - well, other than the obvious times - but have a premonition that its name rhyming with 'stupidity' is not a coincidence. Author's note:

Quote :: Sorry that this chapter took a longer time than most others, but I'm working on a Serena Schezar shrine.

*snort* she really was my Mary Sue. Before you pull a Chick tract on me, there was nothing exciting about it, that's just what character sites were called. I guess I was being rebellious by making my shrine crappy, digital and full of tiny screencaps instead of the family version of pics, oranges and incense. It's not like there's any way to win; rebelling against Buddhists just makes you look silly. They're like the Borg.

Aw, I looked so hard in my comp to see if the pages from "Little Girl Lost" (that was its awful name!) were still around, since I don't think it ever got published. A few were around but only as blank backgrounds [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] see, I couldn't find enough alcohol in my house, so only terribleness can fuel me now. If only there was a 2-year-old around.

Quote :: Anyway, you'll notice that Dilandau and Hermione seem to have a much more interesting time than the other two (in a G or PG rated way, though!)

I'm a little proud for that pickup of "That's what she said" before anyone, including her, was actually saying it. Continuing my low expectations of readers intelligence, I hasten to reassure them that Net Nanny won't kick them off my salacious story. The readers being 8 really was the only explanation. Not even PG-13 do I say.

Quote :: This is because, well, it's Dilandau! He's never in any boring scenes in Escaflowne, because he's such an interesting character. Therefore, he deserves to have a slightly more lively time.

I totally thought 'well, that's because it's Dilandau!' in response to the last quote before I saw this one, so Captain Psychic just got another stamp on his card. 2 more, and he gets a day off! Unpaid.
I think we all deserve to have a slightly more lively (Admiral Ly is selling nukes to Awesome now) time, but you already missed me playing my toy accordion for the 1st time this afternoon. No way this'll beat that out as the high point.

Quote :: Harry and Hermione had been immensely pleased with themselves, until Hogwarts filled up again. That was when Ron came back, and he'd been of course planning to go with them for the trip. Although he was of course happy for both of them, he was really quite otherwise lost.
"What am I supposed to do with myself if you'll be busy?" he grumbled.

He's a teenage boy. He'll find something to do with himself (that's what she s- I am so bad at those).The Spot the Tautology committee is starting a campaign to overthrow the Rickroll with "Really Quite Otherwise", ~~Mister Said~~ That Said Guy's new thuck (thug rock!) hit. See, they may have thrown him out, but he's still in the game. A playa nevr leaves.

Quote :: "Go out with Padma," suggested Harry. Padma was going out with Ron now.

General Exposition, how can you give gossip so hard?
Surely Duncelena's not rubbing off on Ron too, though. He needs Harry to suggest going out with his girlfriend over really quite otherwise (haha, got you) doing with himself?

Quote :: After a while of thought and conferring between Ron and Padma, they agreed.

LIES. There is no thought between Ron and Padma (although there may be 'conferring'!). Suelena has taken to sucking thoughts into the void that serves her for genitals. It feeds... something, IDEK. Cthulu?

Quote :: They even started planning out exactly what they'd do, including the part where they'd pair up with the ones they wanted. It was like an army.

Yeah, General Exposition's. Isn't the pairing up supposed to be their ultimate goal, not something to be thrown into an "including"? Maybe this is a different kind of plan than I thought. Quite a 'conference' it'll be.
Dammit, how can there be this much innuendo so far without a single suitable "That's what she said" moment? I'm a she! I'm saying things! Why is it so hard?
Oh, there we go - THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Anyway.

Quote :: "Because of the unfortunate events last year, we have decided that Hogwarts will have celebrations throughout this year.

It worked great for French nobility, and I love cake!

Quote :: One of these will be the Parent's Week, where your parents or guardians will be able to come and experience your learning.

See, that's so very weirdly-phrased that even it sounds dirty, and it has like 3 mentions of parents. Can't get much worse than that.

Quote :: For Valentine's Day, we've planned a very special ball for you; the Cupids Ball.

They may not sell apostrophes in Wheel of Fortune, but that's no excuse.

Quote :: Those in the Great Hall cheered, except for Harry and a few other students with bad or no families.

But at least those families are bad or none in their own way! Sorry, 'Those' (what kind of a name is that??), cheering has already been unlocked.

Quote :: Selena was somewhat concerned about this, and resolved to ask Folken to take care of it later on.

Because as much as she was into family, she didn't want to start raising one of her own. That metal arm could come in handy. No guarantee it could come out.

Blah blah she wants to see her bro but is worried he and Dilandau will have a ponce-off to determine who is more of a dandy (Spliffing!) and the school will explode with slaps and glitter. If Dumbledore brings in Legolas to further his own dark purposes, all bets on the fate of Opposite World are off.

Quote :: Hermione spent the day testing out look-changing potions, spells and charms on herself for the approaching trip. She'd found a particularly useful one to straighten her hair, that would work for a month.

This Hermione makes me think of Princess Langwidere from Oz, who changes heads more than she does clothes. Except in Hermione's case, what she switches out are personalities. I hope she shares her secrets with Selena.

Quote :: Selena was not half as excited, being an extremely calm and cool person. She was actually quite nonchalant about it; just a group of people going to some little magic village.

Oh quite, quite. Magic is old hat for her (the Spliffingly Fake... collection is on sale again, friends!). And villages that aren't being burnt to the ground are lame.So snide how the text laughs at Hermione's excitement to prop Selena up. This may not be our Hermione, but she still outpaces Suelena in the 'real' department by miles. "Extremely calm and cool" is the nice way of saying "psychopathic". Lordie, when did my descriptions of Suelena's character start gettin' so Southern?

Quote :: But Dilandau was actually very displeased about it. Selena was his best friend, and he therefore thought that they'd get to spend time together, privately, not with people they didn't really know. He secretly promised himself to try and make the world miserable if it was boring.

I do that, too. Being in a room resembling a crypt, though, trying to sadden the world through flatulence seems only to discommode myself. I'm sure he'll have more luck with that. If he has an anus. Once it gets below the navel, I really can't tell on him & S. S's poop magically materialises in unicorn territory as sparkly rosewater honey anyway.

Quote :: There wasn't really much conversation at first, until Harry started to tell an anecdote about how Dudley had made a fool of himself that summer.

Why must we miss out on all the good parts? This isn't even show versus tell anymore. This is conscious triage of boring exposition over hilarious noodle incidents.

Quote :: At one point in the conversation, Dilandau asked, "How did you come to Hogwarts, anyway?" to the others.
Harry smiled, remembering his interesting encounter with Hagrid. "What happened to me was that I started getting letters. The Muggles that I live with wouldn't let me get a single one of them, and eventually they left with me. Hagrid came to get me, and I continued from there."
Hermione had a less exciting story; she'd just received a letter. "How did you come to Hogwarts?" asked Hermione curiously.
Selena answered quickly. "I was at an event, and a letter for Dilandau and I appeared in the mail for me. Van got the same letter as us."

"A letter for...I". It just doesn't get better.
A little stunned at how effectively I made the craziest of HP stuff boring. I'm sure it would've had the opposite effect on Twilight. Let's see with another 'Ripped from the Headlines': "What happened to me was that I started getting fevers. The Natives that I live with wouldn't let me worry about a single one of them, and eventually they [the fevers... or the Natives?? suspense!] turned me into a werewolf. The pack came to get me, and I continued from there."
Sounds better to me; it doesn't have Bedward.

Quote :: "Aah," said Hermione. "So, what should we do now? We should probably split up in pairs, since the shop-wizards usually get suspicious of groups of people." This was actually a complete lie.

Like me usually getting suspicious of groups of corpses. Actually a complete lie. I have acclimatised. Note to self: if contract for next house lists '[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]' as owner, do not sign, no matter how many poison pens are aimed at jugular (deserved; he got that way from reading this fic).

Quote :: Selena was about to protest about this, but she realized what Hermione was trying to do, so she nodded. Although she knew that Hermione probably wasn't at all who Dilandau would like, she decided to go along with Harry and Hermione's 'experiment'. She didn't really know Harry, but he seemed to be an alright person.

Am worried that sounds like it could be a new teen vernacular thing, like they'll start saying "Probably not at all" instead of "No". Not that I want to give them ideas. Shoot, it still sounds all Southern in that I-hate-you-bless-your-heart way, though. Next at Hogwarts: Bo & Luke, professors of Trouble Makin' and Runnin' from the Law! Harry would get top marks, provided he worked on removin' his Gs.

Quote :: Harry couldn't believe his luck. He never was especially self-confident, and now the prettiest girl in the fifth-year would be talking to him.

Wait, this is the same boy who in Chapter 2 "resolved to start a new conquest"? Major Inconsistency stands at attention.

Quote :: "So," Selena began, "your friend likes Dilandau?"
Harry stared at her in amazement. "How did you know?" he asked.
Selena laughed melodiously. "It's obvious; she was just planning for the coupling-off of us."

Melodiously!!! Even Admiral Ly, who lives in a palace furnished with Awesome strippers, didn't remember that one. How much more Sueish can the adverbs get: powerfully, knowingly, delightfully? I'm sure we'll come across all of them.

Quote :: "I love the rain, don't you?" Selena remarked enthusiastically.
"Not especially. My cousin Dudley used to strap me onto the roof when it rained, in hopes of electrocuting me."
"That can't be good."

Ha! Finally a good anecdote. LOL@Duncelena's reaction. Picture the head tilt and canine little "Mrrrmph?" that goes with it for added hilarity. She must be where Gatti gets his talent in trees-over-forest vision.

Every line just gets better with the power of Major Understatement's patented Ridiculousless (TM):

Quote :: "I suppose not.

'But it's not a big deal. After I figured out that all the close shaves were finally making my hair sit flat, I created the ionic hairdryer and made millions...MILLIONS!"

Quote :: Why do you like the rain, though?" Harry inquired.
"I suppose because I've always witnessed so much burning, and rain is much more peaceful. The weather is cool and refreshing, and the rain washes everything bad away," Selena reminisced. Harry nodded mutely, since he couldn't think of anything remarkably intelligent to say.

Hasn't been the first time. At least he's learning, and while standing next to Duncelena, too! There may be hope. Dumbledore must be off waterboarding Santa Claus.
Ouch, ~~That Said Guy~~ ~~The Said's Kid~~ The Tiny Bald One with Said Written On His Shirts was hoping for a less ignominious exit. One that didn't involve such unimaginable dialogue tags. Or Benjamin Button.

Quote :: "I wonder how Dilandau and Hermione are getting along," mused Selena, then proceeded to contact Dilandau telepathically. He responded promptly, telling her the details of his excursion so far. Selena giggled. "Right now, our friends are at the book store. Dilandau's looking at a book about war, and Hermione is pondering over a book about Hogwarts."
"Huh?" Harry looked at Selena suddenly. It was somewhat odd that she knew what they were doing. He would've asked her about it, but she interrupted him.

'Secret'? 'Restraint'? What're those? Are they like Voldemort? What do you mean I'm not supposed to say Voldemort's name? What's wrong with Voldemort?

Quote :: "What do you think of the wizarding world?"
"It was really confusing at first, but I got used to it. It's still unnerving for me since I'm famous, but the magical world is the closest thing to my home."
Selena cocked her eyebrow at him. "You're famous?"

Just SHUT UP and go be his trophy wife already, everyone will be happy, and Dumbledore won't have to matchmake you by threatening Chrestomanci with 9 rounds of silver to the face and can use your "Fountain of Youth" dowry on himself.

Quote :: "Yeah, that Voldemort fellow disappeared after not managing to kill me. Nothing, really."

"Yeah, that ninja fellow disappeared after not managing to kill me. Nothing, really." Except for the fact that he's Voldeninja and is off planning his next attack...

Major Understatement is familiar with such pronouncements but finds this joke comfortable and welcoming, like a soft mushy cloud of cliche. It also bears resemblance to something else soft and mushy, and I'm not even referring to the state of my brain at the time.

Quote :: "Right. So what do you think of the upcoming dance, anyway? I think it should be interesting. I've been to many balls and social events, and I'd like to see what happens here. I can't say I'm too fond of dancing, though," Selena finished.

The Soul of Said (RIP) wants to know why I hated him so much. Also, at most it's been a year since Suelena was her(?)self, and I'm sure most of that was spent making sure that was the case. How many "balls and social events" could she have gone to? And I find that no reason to consider the Hogwarts one interesting.

Quote :: "I'm not actually good at dancing; never learnt it. There was a dance last year. We have to wear dress robes, although this dance may be different. By the way, do you think you'd be able to come with me?" Harry asked nervously, with bated breath.
Selena thought about this. "Sure, I'm free. No one has asked me yet, anyway. I could teach you how to dance, if you want," she offered. Harry was grinning like crazy because of her acceptance, and he agreed to learn how to dance; he would've even been nice to Malfoy at that time.

Considering he's going to the ball with the girl who nearly killed Malfoy, I'd think it wouldn't be hard to be nice to him after that. It's like petting Bambi right after your hunting bud dispatches his mum: at that point, why the heck not?

Quote :: "But how could you teach me? You only know the girl's position, don't you?"
"No, I know both of them. Quite useful if I ever decide to change sex." The two of them laughed, and continued on their walk, drenching wet.

Why doesn't she just hold up a sign saying "Ask me about my huge secret"? I knew a girl who probably would've loved to have the sex-changing happen - and to share it - but that's because she was a nympho and would've chalked it down as adding to her, uh, skills. What's Suelena's excuse?

Quote :: Dilandau and Hermione hadn't had such a successful time as that. They were at the bookstore, first of all, and that really was quite ridiculous.

Next, they'll be going to the washroom or something. THAT REALLY IS QUITE ABSURD.

Quote :: Dilandau was already bored, and Hermione was absorbed in the book about Hogwarts.

Yeah, let's not bother to find out what it's called, it never comes up in HP.

Quote :: Dilandau and Selena were still talking through their minds, and he found out that she was going to the ball with Harry. This greatly annoyed him, and he relieved himself of his feelings by burning an antique book by magic. He wasn't noticed, except by the cat. When the cat tried to attract someone, Dilandau kicked it out of the way.

Like any magic book would stay quiet about getting burnt. Don't worry, cat, your time will come. Maybe you can attract the catgirls once Major Death-Nevermind is through with their paperwork.

Quote :: He then felt slighter better

It's as if I knew Admiral Ly's nefarious plans!!

Quote :: and decided to try to get some kind of response from Hermione. Since Selena would be going with Harry, that would leave him free to get a date. Out of mischief, he decided to ask Hermione. This was actually only to get her away from the book and have something more interesting happen; Dilandau figured that he could just suffer through the night of the dance, or get drunk.

Suffer through, or get drunk, huh? Those are my options as well.

Quote :: Hermione looked up at hearing the store's cat yowl as it limped past her, still not recovered from being kicked.

Disclaimer #1: I still find the cat-kicking hilarious. Disclaimer #2: no animals were harmed in the making of this fic, unless they can read.

Quote :: The first thing she saw was Dilandau standing next to her, looking as if he thought he was really quite wonderful to be able to stay awake in such a tedious place. This set Hermione off in peals of laughter, and she was kicked out of the bookstore for disturbing the other customers.

The date was terminated shortly after that when she grabbed Dilandau's sword and committed seppuku from the shame of it all.

Quote :: Dilandau popped his question to her so that they wouldn't have to go to an Ancient Runes store. Hermione then went starry-eyed, and was speechless for a few seconds before ecstatically accepting his offer.
Dilandau suggested they go to the Three Broomsticks again instead of the Ancient Runes store, and Hermione accepted.This was when Harry and Selena came back, dripping. Dilandau and Hermione weren't as wet, since Dilandau especially hated the rain, and had taken good care not to keep in the rain. The four greeted each other, and once again ate and drank.

Starry-eyed Hermione. Starry freaking eyed.
At least they weren't diamond.

Quote :: Back at Hogwarts, both Harry and Hermione hung around all day, not really doing anything but staring straight up at the ceiling in pure bliss, and sighing in joy every now and then.

General Exposition, your reports are going downhill. I'm starting to suspect you aren't Gossip Girl after all.

Quote :: Fred and George found this quite humorous, and proceeded to cast spells that made water balloons fall down from the ceiling. Yet Harry and Hermione weren't even very upset then.

At least I listened to Present Me about including the pranks. Why did that have to be the only message to make it to Past? I'm firing Suck's postal workers.

Quote :: Harry caught sight of Selena later on, entering the common room with Dilandau and the Dragon Slayers. Both he and Hermione jumped up, and each greeted their future dates. The Dragon Slayers meanwhile comically rolled their eyes at this, and joined in with the Weasley twins' dropping water balloons on others.

Until they got slapped? I'm beginning to think the slaps are a lie. We've only seen one, and it wasn't even from Dilandau.
The Spot the Tautology committee approves of this passage.

Quote :: "Hogwarts has joined up with the Salem Magical School in America, and we have induced an exchange program, to take place throughout this whole year. One student will be chosen from each year to go to the American school, and other students will come to the school here."

Goddammit, now they're doing exchanges? And bringing in The American Student? Dumbledore really is evil (note how you don't even get a choice in the matter). Next they'll visit a parchment factory, spend a day at their parents' workplaces (it's a plot to ruin Voldemort's efficiency!), and sign each others' yearbooks but only using quills from their favourite owls.

Quote :: He chose the students to go to Salem, and Hitomi Kanzaki was included in that list. This set Van off into a bad mood, and he went off, alone, into an empty room to sulk and brood about it. Selena decided to follow him, to try and cheer him up. Using a special charm, she found him near the library, and she started to talk to him.

Charm? I see Rumpelflitwick is hard at work. No idea why I got rid of Hitomi - y'know, the protagonist of Escaflowne. Suelena's void was probably taking up too much room in their bed.

Quote :: "Don't worry, Van. I know that you'll miss Hitomi, but you'll meet again! Besides, you told me that the last time you two separated, you had a lot less notice."
'No," he said bitterly, "I knew that she'd leave all along then. This is the third time she'll be leaving, and it annoys me. She'd probably be better off without me, and so would everyone else."

Then I'll be dead!!! And you'll all be...SORRY.

Quote :: "Of course not! Your people love you, and they really need you to rule them.

That's why you had to skip off to magic school! ... not sure if we ever find out what the heck is going on with Van's country. I assume Dumbledore is ruling it with an iron fist and harvesting the citizens for innocents to sacrifice.

Quote :: Hitomi also adores you, and I know you adore her. Besides, she can't help leaving."

Hitomi has bad luck with travel. First, she gets yanked to another planet, then she gets yanked to magic school on another continent - twice. I suppose I should bang my steel ~~drums~~bra and complain that she's not given any agency feminism bicycle etc.

Quote :: "You're right, Selena, but still..." Van trailed off here, silent tears streaming down his face. Selena put her hand on his shoulder.
"But remember, she has the pendant. You said that the pendant connected the two of you, and it will connect the two of you on the same planet, too. That is one advantage; you'll both be on the Mystic Moon!" Selena pointed out.
Van sighed. "I can't help but be sad, there have been too many good-byes for me in my life. The only family I have left would be Folken. My country burned down before me. I'd like to be able to stretch my wings, but I can't. Hitomi is now once again leaving me. I don't think it's very fair."

I see now, I sent Hitomi away so Van could have a ~~touching~~wangsty heart to heart with Suelena. Please don't hook those two up, self. This cryfest would've made more sense before I brought him to his true love's planet and brought his bro back to life. So ungrateful!

Quote :: "Of course it's not fair, you know that. But Van, you probably could stretch your wings. You could do it right now, in fact," Selena commented. Van smiled weakly, and took off his robes (he had a pair of pants on underneath, just in case you must know), and a pair of beautiful white wings burst out of his back.

Oh, fuck. I see where this came from now. Really? We have to put up with another Sue - *~The American Exchange Student!!~* - put so Van can flash Suelena? To add insult to injury, Suelena just spit on Said's grave.

Quote :: He flapped the angelic wings a few times, resulting in a swirl of feathers around the room.

He should check with Folken, make sure Male Pattern Moulting doesn't run in the family. After all, it's passed down through the mother's side.

Quote :: Selena moved over to the door to stop people coming in, and mentioned, "People would think you're an angel; a messenger of the heavens, who apparently have white wings and a halo around their head." The two friends laughed about this for a few seconds, and Van felt greatly cheered.

*exhausted from awful*

Quote :: He heard footsteps approaching the room, and quickly sucked in his wings.

I guess that answers the question: Van does swallow.

Quote :: Draco Malfoy appeared, of course followed by Crabbe and Goyle. He greatly needed protection at that moment, for Van and Selena charged at him, only to be blocked by the two burly Slytherins. Selena took out her sword in a threatening manner, making them move back rapidly.

Boy, Draco just doesn't quit while he's ahead, does he? You'd think Suelena's sword would help with that decision. Maybe he needs Van's advice on appropriate times to suck it back.

Quote :: Malfoy stared in a bored manner at Van, then turned his attention- and charm- to Selena. She looked at him as if he were quite repulsive, which didn't quell him. "I'd like to be able to talk to you, girl," Draco drawled, then looked at the others surrounding them, "Excuse us, please?" Crabbe and Goyle cleared off, but Van stayed in his place.
"Excuse me, you. I said for you to move, and I'd like you to do it," Draco demanded. Van still didn't move, but glared at Draco in a dangerous manner.

Even Lucius would ~~shake him~~whack him with a pimp cane, yo, for his stupidity.

Quote :: Selena seethed. "We really don't give what it is that you like, and I'd like you to continue with what you were going to say."

"Don't really give"? Guess this fic's age is showing.

Quote :: "Well," Malfoy began, looking quite nervous, "I was going to ask you if you'd come with me for the upcoming dance."
"Do you remember who I am?" came the reply.
"Not quite; am I supposed to?" Malfoy smirked. His face was met with a deafening slap, and he looked up in surprise.
"Do you remember who I am?" Selena repeated. Malfoy looked at her in sudden recognition, and fear grew in his expression. "Now that you seem to recognize me, let's get down to business. Why is it that you want me to be your date?"

LMAO! So Malfoy decided to ask out some random girl getting shirtless with his new arch-nemesis? Just to make him jealous? How does he fail to recognise the girl who looks like Dumbledore anyway?

Quote :: "Because you're the best- looking girl in the year, and I'll have the best I can get," Malfoy explained shrewdly.

Again - SHE LOOKS LIKE DUMBLEDORE. Does that mean he recognised her after all? This scene makes a nonsense of the regulations.

Quote :: Selena looked at him, then scoffed, "Well, the best you can get is a lot lower than me." Van started to pull her out, and the two of them went out into the hallway, where they started laughing heartily at Draco Malfoy.

Pull her out? ... so she was down a hole the entire time and they failed to inform us of it? Maybe she just got caught in her void.

Quote :: The next day during Potions class, Draco was still in a rather foul mood. He was, as of yet, fuming over being rejected, and a bruise was forming on his cheek.

I guess he bust a blood vessel over all the stupid, since the slappers are all talk.

Quote :: "Hey, Potter," he sneered, "Have you been taking lessons from Longbottom about how to be stupid? Because you're doing a pretty good job of it. Oh, wait- it's just something you got from your parents. Never mind."

OH NO HE DI'N'T! Jeez, inbred 10-year-old sibs on Jerry could come up with better.

Quote :: "Oh, shove off, Malfoy," called Selena from her seat by the window. He turned on her next, after pulling his wand out of his robes for protection.
"Ho, Potter's got a girlfriend now!" exclaimed Malfoy in a loud voice for the whole class to hear.

LOL I guess he's learning from Lucius' pimpy ways. Possibly proclaiming himself Harry's girlfriend: 'back off, get your own hero!'

Quote :: "That's right," said Selena calmly as she walked up to him, "He has. But you should've found that out first before asking me to the ball, shouldn't you?" Hoots were heard through the class as Malfoy went red.
Calls of "Take that!" and other such remarks were also heard.

Last time we heard from the rabble, they were too afraid of Snape to act like talk show audiences. At least someone's getting character development.

Quote :: Selena twirled on Malfoy, and walked back to her seat. She started to talk with Dilandau.

Ooh, that twirl really showed him.
Author's note.

Quote :: A/N: OK, this is chapter 8, aptly named Cupidity (a mix of Cupid and Stupidity).

So it being so close to stupidity wasn't a coincidence. Captain Psychic high-fives. Admiral Ly got sick from the way 'aptly' was used here, though.

Quote :: I'm planning to have something adventurous happen, as it's practically a requirement that I haven't been meeting in both Harry Potter and Escaflowne.

I'll say. Darn, I'll probably have to take back my agreement in a mo.

Quote :: What do you, the responsible reader, want to see more of?

Sure, place the blame on them.

Quote :: More romance, humor, drama, adventure? More of couples/best friends/individual characters? Please review to tell me; flames welcomed.
Would you know that I've never been hyper in my life, and probably never will be?

Don't worry, the future still holds playgrounds for you to get high in.

Damn, the next chapter better have a good title. There are Chapter Fairies out there running on sheer hate of this fic. It goes pretty far; I saw one take out the Energiser bunny on the way in.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Well, I tried to post this chapter's read-through from a draft, but the site wouldn't let it go through. I guess even it doesn't want to hear any more about Suelena. It showed up under the reply page, just not the thread page itself, so this was briefly a double-post. Sorry for the confusion!

Chapter Nine: Intoxication
At least it's something I'm familiar with. The Chapter Title Fairies have ended their seige for now and I can finally come out of my cell.

Quote :: A/N: And may I present to you chapter 9? Sorry if it's boring, but I had a serious writer's block.

This is a boring chapter under writer's block? Going back into my cell now.

Quote :: And if you read the rest of this, you'll start thinking I really hate Van. I actually don't, not very much anyway.

What did Van ever do to me except serve as willing serf in this benighted fic?

Quote :: And the dance part is mainly from Harry's point of view, in a state of drunkenness, and therefore very disjointed.

Warning: had never been drunk yet at time of writing. Afraid of what we will encounter.

Quote :: Throughout the next week, Van spent every single waking moment of his with Hitomi, although no sleeping moments.

Those she spends with Suelena. It's the only way to tolerate sharing a room with her.

Quote :: Meanwhile, Selena had been teaching Harry how to dance. This was actually a rather funny part of Harry's education, since it involved a mop and a mannequin (don't ask).

I do want to ask, if only because Suelena would keep mistaking those for people.

Quote :: He soon learnt that Selena was an incredibly good dancer, and even if he didn't succeed, he'd look good dancing with her anyway.

Of course she is! Guess that answers the question of who leads.

Fuck, the next passage elaborates upon her suely qualities:

Quote :: But he realized that there was no way that he'd come through Selena's lessons without learning how to dance. She was incredibly good at demonstrating the male part of dances to him, and a really good teacher.

How... good.

Quote :: Besides, he still felt wonderful just looking at her. She had pretty, chin length, ash-blonde/silver hair, and beautiful blue eyes. Her face actually made her look very innocent. Harry still strongly suspected that she was a Veela, and took the chance to ask her one
day.
"Do you know what Veela are?"
Selena smiled, but shook her head. "I don't think I've heard of them." Harry looked at her in surprise. He'd been quite sure that she was Veela, because of her looks.
"Why did you ask?" Selena wanted to know.
Harry shook his head. "No reason." The two of them started walking towards the breakfast table, where the breakfast seemed to be especially superb.

I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THE SPLENDIFEROUSNESS! Even Admiral Ly is queasy.

Quote :: "The new students from the Salem magic school have arrived. This means that they will be Sorted, and those students who will be replacing them shall have to pack up soon to leave." Dumbledore cleared his throat, and reached into his robes to pull out the tattered Sorting Hat.

Er... what was it doing in there?

Quote :: The first, second, third and fourth years were sorted with no interesting incidents. But when the new fifth year girl, Lisa Lynn, came up to the Sorting Hat, it seemed to be of two minds. At first it put her in Slytherin, then Ravenclaw. It then changed its mind again and put her in Gryffindor.
The school seemed to be in an uproar now, and most people thought that the Sorting Hat must be losing the brains that had been put in it. Dumbledore stepped up to the hat, and tapped it gently with its wand. Lisa Lynn tried again with being sorted, but this time, nothing happened.
Dumbledore then announced, "Miss Lynn, you will have to be put in Hufflepuff, as it is the only house that was not called. For the students who have not yet been sorted, they will try their luck with the hat." His eyes twinkled. "Perhaps we shall have get a new Sorting Hat." The Hufflepuffs clapped loudly as the blonde girl went over to their table.

The Hat was under Dumbledore's robes. I'd break, too.
Ugh, this is another one of those reader inserts, with added ~*special*~ of course.

General Exposition strongarms the next passage from me:

Quote :: But for the rest of the new students, no odd incidents occurred. Those in the Hall laughed greatly at this, then continued the excellent breakfast. In Herbology after that, Van was especially rude to Lisa. She seemed not to mind, though, which made Van even more ill-tempered.
He took this out on a duel with Dilandau in a hallway, while Selena watched to make sure neither of her friends died. Although Dilandau and Van both got cuts on their arms, nothing else out of the ordinary happened. They each went down to the hospital wing to get the wounds healed and to miss class. This was good for them, because Snape was in a particularly despicable mood that day.
Because of this, Gryffindor lost 15 points, and the Gryffindors lost all hope of ever getting out of the negative points. Harry was still in slightly dampened spirits by the time Care of Magical Creatures rolled around. By this time, Van and Dilandau were back in the class.

At least we finally get Hagrid, as Present Me predicted:

Quote :: During hands-on work, Hagrid talked with Harry. "Have yeh got a date fer the dance yet?" he asked, chuckling.

Except he's made unbearable by a particularly accentuated voice. I just had to ruin everything, didn't I?

Quote :: Harry nodded happily, and pointed out Selena to him. "Hermione is going with Selena's best friend, Dilandau, so it'll be like a double date," he told Hagrid. "Are you going with anyone, Hagrid?" Hagrid blushed at this, and muttered something about going to check on Pansy Parkinson's work, which needed correcting.

LMAO I'm sure it was supposed to be a change of subject, but I'm sensing some Hagrid/Pansy action here.
*checks FF.Net* only one Hagrid-Pansy fic, and it doesn't look like a pairing (it doesn't even look bad). I think we found the one thing that isn't shipped in HP. I'm ready for my medal now.

Quote :: That night, Harry fell asleep almost immediately. He started to have a very strange dream, involving a new scheme of Voldemort's.
"I have uncovered an old piece of Dark magic, which will make me immortal and even more powerful," he told Wormtail, handing him a list of things to get.
"Lord Voldemort, how shall we get a King?" Wormtail asked after scanning the list.

Wizards are so uninventive. Why doesn't anyone ever invent new Dark magic? Voldemort should have a Dark magic sweatshop - wait, I guess that's Dumbledore's territory in this fic, and he keeps using it for the planetary travel of assholes.
I like trying to imagine what Voldemort's shopping lists look like, though:
Rats, brown ones not white (Nagini swears they taste better)
Tears of children, fresh if possible
Engines taken from ice-cream lorries (look them up. Both of them. Do I have to do everything myself???)
Livers of beloved household pets, stored on ice
1 million Christmas trees, snatched away at the height of their power [yes. Voldemort is the Grinch]

I think I found an old list like that under my fridge once.

Quote :: "There is a spell, that will show you where an item you desire is, or at least the closest item you need. We shall use that," Voldemort replied, and did a spell with his wand.

There's an app for that.

So Harry wakes up, goes to sleep again and forgets most of it, and tells his friends he's in danger. A typical night for him.

Quote :: Hitomi left the next week, and Van went into a rut

-ting spree? If only.

Quote :: of misery. Selena, Folken and the DragonSlayers (who were really quite friendly with Van by now) all tried to cheer him up, but to no avail.

Who isn't friendly with their murderers? If I was secretly M. Night Shyamalan - and from this writing, you wouldn't be surprised - I would totally be writing this from beyond the grave, haunting the house of the dude who killed me, drinking his booze, stealing his food, etc. Now that's friendly.

Quote :: Selena convinced him to unfurl his wings and fly one day, and he went off the highest tower, under the protection of a human-sized Stealth Cloak, belonging to Folken. The Stealth Cloak kept Van from being seen, so he came back with no injuries in much better humor.

They just got Invisibility Cloaks a few chapters ago, why was all that explanation necessary? And how does not being seen have him come back with no injuries? Didn't we assume that was his current state? Commander Inconsistency collapses from overwork.

Quote :: Because of this, he started to go out often under the protection of the same Cloak. One day, he got hit by an arrow (a bad huntsman had been wildly shooting into the air) while flying. He made it back and staggered to the hospital wing on one leg, using his sword for a crutch.

I guess this is where the 'injuries' line came from. Wouldn't even a bad huntsman be reluctant to waste his arrows?

Quote :: "I was just in the library," she said to Harry, then noticed Selena. "Do you know where Dilandau is?"
Selena paused to silently ask Dilandau where he was, then told Hermione, "He's in the kitchens, grabbing some food."
"Oh. Can you come with me to talk to him?" Hermione asked. "I don't know what to say to him." Selena agreed and got up, leaving Van and Harry to continue talking.

That's Hermione all right, liking a guy she can't even talk to! *sighs*

Quote :: "Did you ever see a dragon?" Harry asked Van, carrying on the topic of conversation.
Van smiled, saying, "I once slew a dragon." This surprised Harry, who had found it hard enough just getting past a dragon. He figured that Van must be lying, and just nodded. They started to talk about their last Quidditch match until Gatti entered the common room and Van went over there.

Again, Van can't keep it in his ~~pants~~head.

Quote :: The next two weeks passed quickly, and the school was very excited. The Cupid Ball would be in the next week, and even some of the teachers started to act oddly around each other. Folken wasn't one of those teachers, and he carried on normally.

And we had to miss out on teachers romancing too? This fic wants to hide every light (crappy, dingy, buzzy fluorescent, but still) under a barrel.

Quote :: On the day of the dance, Selena called Dilandau to the fifth-year girls dorm, to help her put on her dress robes. They weren't really robes, but more like a dress, with a corset and a petticoat and other tiresome Asturian-styled things that Selena couldn't put on herself.

Another one to check off the Sue list: description of an outfit.

Quote :: Hermione was a nervous wreck. Even though she'd talked to Dilandau more often throughout the past month, she still didn't feel like he liked her. Selena had to comfort her and assure her that he did like her (he actually didn't mind her, but that was all) before she would start to get ready.

Dumbledore took Hermione's self-assurance to feed his Dark Magic Matrix.

Oh wait, the outfit wasn't described once but twice! Extra Sue points.

Quote :: Hermione and Selena went down to meet their dates, who were waiting in the common room. Selena and Dilandau looked unperturbed, while Harry and Hermione looked slightly nervous. Harry's jaw dropped when he saw Selena. She was wearing a light blue robe-style Asturian dress, and it was extremely well made. She looked prettier than ever to Harry, as he told her.
Hermione was wearing a yellow silk robe, and she had used several spells and potions to make herself look nicer. Dilandau said what he thought Allen Schezar would've said, then the two couples went into the Great Hall.

Yes, saying what Suelena's bro would've said will really get her to stop looking at you like a brother. LMAO@ the terse 'to make herself look nicer' and the underlying 'clean up nicely, bitch, or else' attached.

Quote :: There was going to be a supper first, and the cups seemed to be never empty. Everyone sat down and ate first, but it wasn't until during the dancing that people started to notice that others were acting odd- almost as if they were drunk, in fact.

Again you see the influence teen movies (which I still love, possibly because I never did get to one of those sweet parties, no matter how many kegs I've drunk out of) had on me.

Quote :: Draco Malfoy had once again gone with Pansy Parkinson, and they were hollering nonsense at the top of their voices.

Hagrid must be heartbroken.

Quote :: Snape seemed to be trying to catch one of the cupids fluttering around. Dilandau was hoisting up a drunk Hermione from the floor while trying to burn the cupids (although this probably wasn't from intoxication). Some others were trying to fight, but missed each other by a mile.
Harry himself felt flushed and giddy. He hadn't had very much to drink, since he'd personally thought that the drinks tasted quite terrible. He supposed, later on, that the taste of alcohol just didn't agree with him.

Shouldn't it have been pretty obvious the drinks were spiked? Dumbledore's "Let the students handle it" edict must still be in effect.

Quote :: Right then, though, Selena was also looking flushed and was acting somewhat ditzy.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Major Understatement wants a promotion. Denied (I'm a bitch to work under).

Quote :: She downed another cup of the stuff as the band on stage made wild efforts to recruit people out to the dance floor, as no one was dancing.

Yeah, no one dances when they're drunk.

Quote :: After a few minutes, Harry blurrily noticed that Selena's eyes had clouded over and she seemed to be in a trance. He made several attempts to revive her (namely water, hand-waving, and yelling out her name), but none of these worked. She abruptly clutched hold of something that hadn't been there before, which Harry perceived to be a crown, or circlet.

Oh crap, instead of fun and nonsensical drunkenness, we have to put up with Suelena reliving a moment from her ~*special past*~ just to show how ~*special*~ she is?? (went to the Special Olympics yesterday, overdosed on that word - never mind that the athletes train seriously and are competing to win, like every athlete ever, they're ~*special*~ and ~*all winners*~!! - and still need to get it out of my system.) Sues really do suck the fun out of everything. And not in the way that Van sucks in his wings, if you know what I mean (not that I'm sure myself).

Quote :: In her trance-like state, she started to walk towards the chaos-filled woods outdoors, and Harry ran after her in vain. She stopped by someone with silver hair, and a girl with yellow robes- was it Malfoy and his date, Harry wondered dreamily? But as he caught up to her, panting, he realized that the two were Dilandau and his friend- what was her name? Yes, his friend Hermione. Harry laughed aloud thinking of such a weird name, and convinced himself that he was drunk.

Am beginning to think Fake Harry is a terrible friend. He remembers Dilandau's name before Hermione's? One day I want to see wedding invitations with the names Dilandau and Hermione, though. Note to self: start watching friends for pregnancy and pressuring them to name kids Dilandau, or Hermione.

Quote :: Selena absently reached up and handed Dilandau the thing in her hands. Harry thought it looked an awful lot like a crown. That was funny. Dilandau apparently wasn't drunk, since he instantly recognized the crown. He kissed and donned it, then noticed that Selena looked as if she was on drugs that moment.

But she always looks like that. Especially in the series.

Quote :: "What did you do to her?" he barked at Harry, who was surprised to be addressed.
"Huh? I... uh... dunno," he slurred, then would've gone off again if Dilandau hadn't just slapped him, hard. This shocked himself back to his senses adequately, and he answered again, more clearly, "Selena was drunk. After taking a cup of the stuff she went all weird and like a junkie."
Harry giggled foolishly and insanely before receiving another slap from the other boy.

FINALLY we get some Dilandau slappage! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]Was beginning to think he was getting slap dysfunction.

Quote :: Dilandau leaned against a tree, and closed his eyes while delving into Selena's mind. He came up with nothing, which greatly alarmed him.

Doesn't surprise me.

Quote :: He united the two of them in his body. This tired Dilandau, and Hermione didn't help, as she was parroting, "You can't Disapparate on the Hogwarts grounds!" After having a brief rest on the grass (which was actually crawling with bugs and rather
damp), Dilandau tried to mold Selena into her own body, which was much easier than he'd ever have thought it would be.

I so needed to cut back on the adverbs. The 'actually' makes it sound like a surprise the grass was that way, when the description is nothing out of the ordinary for grass.

Quote :: When she appeared, she was still quite drunk, and a hangover seemed to be at maximum effect. Selena was dazed at her sudden appearance from her trance, and instantly turned to Dilandau for an explanation, through the link of their minds. What
happened?
Remember the time when you went to Allen's house, and you went to visit your mother's grave?
No.
The butterfly? If nothing else, Selena remembered the butterfly. She raised her hand in the air, then clenched and unclenched her fist, slowly nodding. Before she could say anything to Harry, she retched violently- all over Dilandau's robes, in fact. He didn't actually mind, or at least it looked that way, because he just brought her over to the hollow of a nearby tree. Here she continued to rid her body of the extravagant meal of the hour before, along with an amount of blood.

And to think this was before I ever saw the Smack My Bitch Up music video.

Quote :: Eventually, her stomach calmed enough to let her stagger back to where Harry was leaning idiotically against the tree, Dilandau still making sure she didn't fall. Dilandau tossed off his robe, leaving him in his standard tank top and leather pants. Hermione literally drooled at the sight of him (she was already drooling to begin with, due to some side-effects of spells on herself and the fact that she wasn't sober).

Not much salivary or motor muscle control in this fic, is there? LOL @ the idea that beautifying spells have the side-effect of drooling, though. Isn't that counter-intuitive? Maybe they're so confident in their effectiveness that they throw in the drooling as a feature for later, in case you need lube.

Quote :: That was when Van ventured upon them, yelling loudly while swinging his sword in its sheath, "Bow down to Van Fanel, King of all Fanelia and angel among men!" Naturally, he was also drunk, and was doing nothing to benefit the scene. By this time, Harry had reached the conclusion that the drinks had been spiked, and proudly declared himself to be a genius.
Ironically, Dilandau was the only one who didn't look like he'd drank a pint or two of alcoholic beverages. He had amazingly drunk more than that, but since he was a very experienced drinker (unlike the others), he was of course able to 'hold his liquor', and therefore not look drunk- when he wanted to, that was.
As it stood, Dilandau was the one who knocked Van out so that he wouldn't blab all his secrets

Even Commander Inconsistency is rolling on the floor laughing over that one.

Quote :: forcefully dragged Harry back to the Great Hall, and did the same for Hermione. Hey, if he had to be the good guy he should at least get a little fun out of it. Dilandau took Selena back to her dorm, and took off her robes, corsets, petticoats, bustles and all of the horrid Asturian undergarments that I've mentioned. Since he had been her once, he didn't feel as nervous as some other males would.

Why did I feel the need to keep mentioning that (2nd time this chapter), or what everyone's wearing under their robes? I could out-virgin olive oil in this fic.

Quote :: He then went back to the disastrous Great Hall, where he stole one of the goblets, then he retreated into his dormitory and spent the night drinking and getting most gloriously drunk indeed.

Dilandau comes up with all the best plans. Cat-kicking, making everyone miserable when he can't have fun, getting drunk, slapping people... he and Suelena really were 2 sides of a coin in this. She was the Sue side, obv, but he was an outlet for the mean side of me. Why aren't there more evil Stues out there? Is villainy just too *gasp* ~bad~ for preteens to latch onto for favourite characters?

Quote :: The next morning, bright and early, he went to check on Selena, who was still having a particularly bad hangover. Dilandau never had hangovers, so he was still cheerful and quaking with laughter when thinking about the previous night. Just in case of any other upchucking, he brought along a chamber pot that he found on the mantle of the common-room's fireplace.

LMAO, the words "It's Hogwarts" were used way too many times to handwave the weirdest, most incongruous stuff that showed up in this fic.

Quote :: He entered the girls' dorm amidst weak protesting from those who could see him, who were nursing their own after effects of drinking. Dilandau could see Selena asleep, so he sat down, laying the chamber pot on her bed and waiting for her to rise.

Who doesn't want to see a chamberpot on their bed when they first open their eyes?

Quote :: She woke up a few minutes later, and starting to once again throw up, speedily getting rid of all her meals from the last two days. This woke up most of the girls who had slept peacefully, and they shrieked loudly at seeing a boy in their dorm. "Oh, shut up," Dilandau hissed after a while, then started to say encouraging things to Selena (who was at that moment in a bra and panties, still retching, perspiring hard and having a bad headache!).

Srsly, what a freakish interest in what they weren't wearing! Guess it takes the place of the more normal 'describe their outfits in all detail' badfic tendency.

Quote :: "This should be something very interesting to tell Allen," remarked Dilandau to her wryly after she finally stopped. She nodded weakly, then Dilandau tossed her a robe from her trunk and left, taking the vomit-filled chamber pot with him to empty out on either Van or Harry Potter, whom he really didn't like that much. Or maybe that Snape teacher who was always trying to intimidate him, but was so far from intimidation that it wasn't even funny...

Even an intimidated Snape would flay him for that.

Author's Note:

Quote :: A/N: OK, this chapter turned out way better than I expected

I still feel that way! But that's just because it was short.

Quote :: I actually like the way Dilandau turned out to be written in here- sort of a mix of being nice to the ones he likes (which is, in this chapter, just Selena) and being otherwise very funny in a vengeful sort of way. I'm reviewing my own story, this can't be good.

I disagree: my idiotic lack of self-awareness adds to the hilarity of how bad the fic is.

Quote :: So anyways, I think that there should definitely be more Folken, eh? I quite like him as a character, although I might not be able to write him well.

I would place a bet on that being true, but no one would take it.

Quote :: Anyway, to continue with my questions so you have something to put in your review (just in case you don't think you'd be able to review because you can't think of what to say):
genres you want to see
people you want to see
ideas of your own for the story (such as the matching up of characters)
places that you think should be incorporated into this story
And while you're waiting for the next chapter of this story, if you are,
you can read and review some of my other stories
!

Here I go ~~underestimating~~anticipating the reviewer again, as well as enabling them to lead me down the path to Fic Hell. If you need reviewers to tell you what the plot are, you obviously never had one to begin with.

Yup, only explanation: I lost the plot.

Quote :: LOL @ the idea that beautifying spells have the side-effect of drooling, though. Isn't that counter-intuitive?

I <3 you so hard right now.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

*looks up and claps* Yay, is less-than-threed! Coincidentally, I'm also less-than-treed, although occasionally more-than-bushed... I think it's time for that hair shirt again.

And just in time, too, what with the upcoming chapter being called
Chapter Ten: Theories & Mystery
Why did I bother naming them?

Quote :: A/N: I know I've been putting in a lot of Dilandau & Selena stuff, but I seriously can't help it.

Present Me started thinking that actually, I could have, but then that got to the whole question of why I would've posted this fic if I'd had that much restraint, so I guess we'll have to *shudder* agree with Past Me on this one.

Quote :: They're quite fun to write about. And all the quotes in the summary are also about Dilandau. He just happens to have more interesting/funny parts!

My curiosity piqued about what these 'interesting/funny parts' could possibly be, I went through my fic-related e-mail folder, cunningly known as 'Z' (I like to camouflage this part of my life from people I know, for reasons that must be obvious by now). Unfortunately, this fic must've been before I was clever enough to add myself to Author Alert, so what these summaries were must be forgotten forever. No great loss, I'm sure.

Quote :: For the next few days, Selena's hangover continued violently. She had headaches, still threw up often, and felt quite sick. Dilandau had brought her to Madam Pomfrey, yet she couldn't do anything.

*confused* I thought hangovers occurred because the loss of cerebrospinal fluid through dehydration caused the brain to be more vulnerable to bruising, etc. Suelena's brain not being large enough to fit her skull, she should not have this problem.

Quote :: He'd suggested that they switch bodies for a while so Selena wouldn't be ill. However, Selena thought that Dilandau had done enough for her, so refused.

*happy sigh* Dunno how much this is a Sue thing, but this is so a Bad Romance Heroine thing, all that self-sacrifice to the point of martyrdom. Don't think they should count as the same thing? Check out Mrs. Giggles, who rants so entertainingly on bad published works that I feel she deserves a place of honour on Why, God, Why.

Quote :: Dilandau wasn't the only one that noticed that Selena wasn't herself. The other Gryffindor fifth-year girls shared a dorm with Selena, and had seen most of what went on. Lavender Brown and Pavarti Patil formulated their own theories about this one day, and decided to test out their theory.
Selena received a note on Monday morning, which was incidentally Folken's 26th birthday. After reading it, she called Dilandau to her. Read this, she told him. He looked the contents over- We know what's happened.

Oh crap, I see where this is going now. Mental shields at 50% - what do we do, Captain???

Quote :: He blanched, and silently resolved to find out who sent it, and what they meant by the note. It wasn't signed, nor was the handwriting recognizable, being in capital letters.

LOL, why didn't I show the actual note in caps, then? I must've had the memory of a goldfish to have this many lapses between this many adjacent paragraphs. Commander Inconsistency (and his close cousin the Major) must've felt like the little boy with his finger in the dyke, trying to keep from having a breakdown from overwork.

Quote :: But for the rest of the day, he was deep in thought and responded shortly to those who spoke to him. Hermione was particularly annoyed by this, and figured Dilandau had gone off her because she got drunk.

Dilandau was on her?

Quote :: She didn't stop pestering him, though. Throughout the entire day, Dilandau's crankiness built up, until it was boiling over. The first person who spoke to him would've gotten a very nicely matched set of handprints on their face. This person happened to be Hermione, who'd never gotten into any kind of physical abuse.

'Yeah, I've been getting into a lot of kinds of things lately... mental scarring, wounds that never heal... oh, physical abuse? No, not really. Maybe I'll try it sometime."
^ totally ripped that off from one of the closets of the murder house
In other news [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Dilandau awards his 2nd and 3rd slap so far!! Keep a slap count, yo.

Quote :: Therefore, the burning slaps on her cheeks shocked her into speechlessness. Harry and Ron weren't that shocked, though

LOL just stopping here. Let's try to continue it:
'They had been wanting to do that to Hermione for a long time now. Ever since she started talking about beauty spells and Dilandau all the time and not having any good homework to copy off of, it just wasn't the same anymore.'

Quote :: and immediately pulled out their wands to defend their comrade. They each muttered different spells, which headed for Dilandau in identical bolts of light.Someone screamed, and Dilandau suddenly disappeared. The spells continued their way, and hit the unfortunate Draco Malfoy, both of the spells. He started convulsing and belching green slugs, and Crabbe and Goyle gathered menacingly around Ron and Harry.

I had to laugh at the way this went. I wonder if Draco feels like he's in A Series of Unfortunate Events?

Quote :: A nervous silence gathered over the crowd, broken by Selena. "That could have been you," she told Dilandau- who had mysteriously appeared next to her- pointing at Draco on the ground.
"Thank you," he thanked her gratefully, hugging her; Harry was struck with the thought that they made a perfect couple. He tried hard to get this thought out of his head, since he still hoped that Selena was going out with him.

This is, like, days later! If he doesn't know by now, I'm pretty sure it's a 'no'. Way to take initiative, Harry.
Spot the Tautology awards the next Potter Prize to Dilandau, although some are protesting that he gained it through a near-repeat of the circumstances of the first Potter Prize.

Quote :: Ron, unlike Harry, wasn't thinking, but charging at Dilandau, yelling, "YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! DON'T HURT MY FRIENDS!" Dilandau didn't seem at all alarmed at this, and kicked out- with excellent aim.
Ron howled as blood streamed readily from his nose. By now, Harry was terrified of Dilandau, although he felt protected because he knew Selena. He figured his best bet would be to take Hermione and Ron, then make a hasty retreat to the infirmary, so that was what he did.

Pfft I'm pretty sure even the Weasley twins would've defended Hermione after that. Dilandau should've been mobbed and unable to handle it. LOL that Dilandau does such a high kick, though. He should go into cheerleading!

Quote :: Dilandau, despite his latest act of violence, was still not satisfied. He wasn't any closer to finding out about Selena's mystery note. During lunch, he went up to Selena's dormitory to get her sword for her. She was in a bad mood and still in hangover mode- which wasn't scientifically correct, but neither was Selena herself. If anyone at all irritated her, they'd get hurt.

At least I acknowledged a) the unscientific nature of this contrived hangover b) the elephant in the room. Hey, Sparky, bud!! Wanna come hang out with me & my pet sharks? I'll bring the nuts & fish!

Quote :: As Dilandau crept into the girls' dorm, he heard voices from a curtained four-poster bed in the far corner of the room. He snatched Selena's sword, like he'd said he would, then listened. "... so I made sure to see her open our note," a voice was saying. Dilandau glided soundlessly up to the outside of the bed, and switched places with Selena, a useful trait he'd discovered earlier on that year.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Wh-wh-wh-wh-whaaaa?!? How come we never heard of it til now?
Though I doubt it'll come up, I like to imagine that Harry is making out with Suelena, hand drifting downwards, as the switch occurs. 'Is that your wand?'

Cue the ~~stupid awful~~ stupawful drama that was forced into happening (Major Contrivance rests on his laurels with another job ~~well~~ done):

Quote :: Selena found herself suddenly in her dorm, sword in hands, but had the good sense not to talk. "Do you think she really is pregnant, then?" asked the other girl.

Captain Psychic sinks another battleship! I totally predicted a preggers scenario a few chapters ago. Of course, Folken's already 'taken care of it' for her, but these gals don't know that.

Quote :: "Of course," scoffed the first. "Why else would she have turned quite so pale when the note was read? And didn't you see how she showed it to Albatou, and his reaction was the same? It's obvious he's the father. Why else is he always in our dorm?"
"I see what you mean, and the throwing up is of course morning sickness. It's really disgusting how this has been going on, in our very own dorm. Everyone else has just been looking the other way. It's not like Selena belongs here to begin with; she's remarkably different. And such a tomboy!"

I swear I never saw 'Leave it to Beaver', and only like 2 episodes of 'Happy Days'. Idk where all this righteous indignation is coming from. If anyone was going to get Hognant, it was going to have been Lav or Parv anyway. Maybe they're just gay in this, and that's why they were cool with Hitomi & Suelena sharing a bed, and why they find the procreation thing so disgusting. Lavarti forever!!!

Quote :: "She went with Harry Potter to the dance this year. I think she was on drugs then, by the look of her."
"Didn't you go with Harry to the dance in the fourth year?" Silence was heard, which Selena correctly interpreted as a nod.
"That sl-" Selena had had far enough, and stuck her sword through the curtains, slicing them in half. She peered through the curtains and saw the two girls. Pavarti and Lavender were not gossiping anymore.

Pfft, good thing they weren't hanging out by the curtains. For someone who shouldn't even know the word, 'slut' is as much a trigger to Suelena as 'chicken' is to Marty McFly. I guess it's because she's a Sue, and they're supposed to stay ~*pure*~ and all.

Quote :: "Wouldn't it be a shame if you were brutally murdered, 'in your veryown dorm'?" Selena grinned. "That would be really disgusting indeed- blood, blood and more blood. Several different pieces strewn throughout, although no one could tell who it was from. That would truly be talk, not the false lies of a nonexistent pregnancy." Pavarti whimpered.

Private Psychopath can totally relate to Suelena, other than that sex change thing. HeShe's working on it.

Quote :: "What did we ever do to you?" Lavender boldly asked.

C'mon, Lav, don't poke the freaking bear!I had to doubt the spelling of her name for a mo (thought it might end in -dar) because of the Parvati debacle, but no, actually got that one right. I think it's time for another song:

Lavender got her name spelt right, 'Pavarti''s blue,
Van is a king, and Suelena's gunning for queen,
Call up your Stus, Dilly-Dilly, set them to work
(it's probs the only way to kill Voldemort).

Quote :: "Good question. If I were pregnant I would have had something to say, as you would have been bringing me to light. But right now? No," Selena said. She was really seething by now, having spent her whole day worrying about the note for nothing. "For now, I'll just content myself with this." She swung her hand back and it met with Lavender's skin.
Doing this once again, the blow landed on Pavarti.
"That's what you did to me," she answered, and walking out of the room, swinging her sword and humming. Upon reaching the dinner table, Selena realized that her hangover had ended.

Dammit, Selena is so Sue that she just *has* to keep beating Dilandau's slap count, doesn't she? And is she saying they slapped her in the face?
This travesty of a scene has ended, but I skimmed down and it gets worse. Urgh.

Quote :: Throughout the next week, the school was quite calm (although the teachers were working very hard to catch the evildoer that had spiked the punch for the dance).

The time when it was actually getting spiked, or when students were drinking it - naw, it wasn't important enough then. I blame Winky, the alcoholic houseelf, for the spikage. IIRC this fic never does answer the question, but I'm (unfortunately) still the author so I choose to use my power for good for once and Word of God it to be her.

Quote :: Dilandau and Selena weren't, although it was admittedly fun to plan out their vengeance against Pavarti and Lavender.

*blinks* It's pretty clear you're not the Scooby Gang, guys, no one expected you to take on the Case of the Spiked Punch. Poor Havarti.

Quote :: Even so, they didn't have very many choices of activities offered to them. One time, they decided to go wandering throughout the school, an idea that stemmed from curiosity, mischief and boredom.

Gee, thanks for telling us so clearly. Now we can decrease our curiosity and increase our boredom about it.

Quote :: The two of them went to the different Houses of the school and hid there, with Invisibility Cloaks on. As they stood there, they could hear the passwords for each house being said. After this, they recorded the passwords and decided to visit each of the houses that night.

Y'know, this is not something that Harry does enough. I say this because I'd rather see him doing it than these tools. I bet it'll just lead to a Malfoy beatdown anyway.

Oh gosh, this setup ([You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]) leads nowhere good.

Quote :: The Slytherin Common Room was not very nice, in Selena's judgment. The Hufflepuff common room was actually very comfortable, and Selena and Dilandau spent a while there- in front of the blazing fire. But the Ravenclaw common room was admittedly the very nicest, in their eyes. It was bursting with elaborate splendor, and rather sophisticated designs.
As Dilandau himself said, it was what the Vione would've been like if Dornkirk had chosen a different goal, interior decorating- 'Spreading beauty through the buildings; let us do what we want or we'll kill you'. Luckily for the two of them, their laughter was not heard. Eventually, they left the Ravenclaw room and chose to go to the kitchens.
Filch was roaming the corridors when they emerged from the elegant room. They could hear him muttering to Mrs. Norris as he was about to come across him. There was virtually no escape, since the corridor was very big, lighted by moonlight and bare of doors or escape routes. The footsteps got closer and closer, yet Dilandau & Selena could not think of the proper action.

Um... run? That corridor sounds like the exact opposite of something with no escape. How come everyone always goes to the kitchens, anyway? Shouldn't they all be fatsos by now?

Quote :: In the last slow footstep, as Filch was rounding the corner, Selena pulled Dilandau to her, and kissed him. He was surprised, happy, and knew that Selena's ulterior motive was actually to look as of the two of them hadn't done anything except of the hormonal nature. Despite this, he kissed her back while seeing Filch just watching them, apparently not going to inflict punishment. Pervert. [formatting is sic]

Congratulations, you finally touched yourself, now you win puberty.

Quote :: The two students didn't break apart, seeing that Filch was still there, but hoped he would go. He didn't seem to be leaving, more like waiting for someone. Several students trailed into the hallway sulkily- Draco Malfoy, Van Fanel and Hermione Granger. Hermione, on seeing the two, made a stifled cry and ran off towards the end of the hallway.

Could it be any more contrived? What were Draco, Van and Hermione doing together so late at night? ...don't say threesome.

Quote :: The two of them both knew how redundant it would be to try and avoid each other. First of all, they'd been the same person. Secondly, they never tried to avoid anyone in their life, or lives, for the matter. Therefore, Selena and Dilandau were seen together as much as before- possibly even more often then before. Hermione had told Harry and Ron about her late-night escapade.
"You were wandering around at night, breaking rules?" Ron asked her shiftily.
"I was in the library," she explained, considering this to be an adequate answer.
"You've taken to haunting the library both day and night then, I suppose," Harry remarked sarcastically.

I suspect these two characters are not Ron or Harry, but spies placed by Admiral Ly to further his ambitious plans. Just a feeling. Also: 'library'? Sure, Hermione, suuuuure.

Quote :: "Can we get back to the problem at hand?" Hermione glared at her friends, then rubbed her cheeks, which she claimed still hurt from Dilandau slapping her. Harry wasn't sure whether she was telling the truth, not knowing the power of Dilandau's slaps.

He just got slapped last chapter! Surely his drunkenness was no barrier to...THE POWER OF THE SLAP. (that punctuation setup does not fail to be funny to me)

Quote :: "So what you're saying is that they were kissing in the hallways when you wandered upon them?" Harry asked, trying to get it all straightened out. He wanted to go through every detail, to see if it could be false.
Hermione sniffled. She seemed very torn up by now, and apparently was still smitten with Dilandau. "Yes. They didn't even seem to notice us."
"I think," mused Harry, "that I should talk to Selena." He was true to his word, and approached her the next chance he got- Potions class. "Selena," he tentatively began, "what were you doing last night with Dilandau?"
"We visited the different common rooms throughout the school. The Ravenclaw common room is the nicest, you know. On our way back, we were almost caught by Filch- but he went right past us without saying anything," Selena honestly replied.
"So that's your explanation for it then," sneered Draco Malfoy, going over to the window. "That's why you were acting like a bunch of lovebirds in the hall."
"Why do you think Filch went past us?" Selena asked him, smirking. At the table in front of them, Van smiled. That really was an excellent scheme, when you thought about it. He turned around to give his input to the conversation."Brilliant idea," he praised Selena, although not Dilandau. She nodded, then Snap interrupted them.

Van has an unnerving habit of liking Suelena's ideas. I worry for his country if she ever does make it to ~~Queen~~ ~~Prince~~ Consort there.

Quote :: "Fanel, you apparently can't control yourself with the ladies. Get over there in the corner with Malfoy," Snape demanded.

He can never control himself with Malfoy, either. This seems like a bad idea.

Quote :: Van didn't move, but stayed in his seat, facing the front of the class and looking quite angelic (which he was, although Snape didn't know this).

Stop calling him a freaking angel, past self. He's a human with wings on his back. He's no more an angel than the mouse with an ear on its back.

Quote :: Snape slammed his fist down on Van's table, making the beakers rattle incessantly. "Get over there, you young imbecile," he hissed.

Ha this reminds me of "My Immortal" where the insults just get taken from the thesaurus.

Quote :: Van chose to oppose this order, but instead jumped out of the window, mouthing for Selena to bring his stuff to the common room after.Most of the girls shrieked at seeing what would've been suicidal act for humans, but when Snape looked out the window, the scene looked peaceful.

... they're in the dungeon [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
I think the Gaeans are some sort of fairy, except instead of belief, they need attention rife with misunderstandings and misconceptions to live. The Misinformation Fairies?

Quote :: The wind was swirling several leaves around in the breeze, along with shreds of cloth. A few white feathers floated, slowly and methodically, down to the ground.

Jeez, melodrama. At my school, leaving through the basement window at the end of the day was a trend. I really shouldn't have tried to be original and use the second-story window. Compound spinal fracture & all.

That's the end of the chapter. Wait, the Harry-Selena-Dilandau triawful never got resolved at all. Oh well.

Author's Note:

Quote :: A/N: Well, what do you think of that? A very boring chapter

Finally I see things my way.

Quote :: for those who like only adventure, but otherwise readable.

Dammit, it continued. LIE.

Quote :: Allen shall and must be put into the story soon! But just keep reviewing, because this is how I get started on new chapters:

*starts laughing hysterically* oh man, this should be good.

Quote :: I post the chapter, and put a quote in the summary.
I sit back and wait for the reviews.
I start writing like mad for the next few days
I repeat steps 1, 2, & 3.
Brava, voila and so on through the list.

Note there was no actual thinking involved. Other than its truthfulness, it is the worst description of the writing process ever.
At least we know what went into the summaries. Sad we didn't get to see them, I'm sure they were terrible.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Chapter Eleven: Meetings
Seriously, didn't a chapter get called that already? It sure feels like it.

Quote :: A/N: To continue on with the story, I definitely need to amp up the characters shown.

OMG then Suelena will become Super Seiyan Suelena or some business and I'm not sure I can take that.

Quote :: So the DragonSlayers, the Weasleys and the teachers?

Ummm if I had a choice I'd have to say teachers, for the faint hope that whatever maturity Past Me could muster is greater than what has currently been shown. Pretty sure it's hopeless.

Quote :: Throughout the rest of the day, Snape went through a nervous breakdown (while the Gaean students had hysterical fits). He had to cancel all of his classes, then he called a staff meeting, causing all of the other teachers to cancel their classes. This surprised them, as Snape was never one to let the students off that easily.
The meeting therefore started off with the question, "Why did you call us here?" from the other teachers.
"A student has jumped out of the window in my class, and I don't know what to do," explained the distraught Snape.

'Oh, cheer up, Severus! Now you can get them boarded up like you always wanted!'
'Psych! That was the only reason I called this meeting. I trust the rest of you can deal with one measly student? I bid you adieu. Come, Filch, I have work for you.' *cloaksweep*

Quote :: "Which student was it?" queried Minerva McGonagall.
"Van Fanel." Upon hearing this, Folken laughed aloud. This made the teachers jump out of their seats, stunned. They'd never heard the new teacher laugh, or even smile, during his time there. But now, he just laughed and laughed, until gasping for breath.

That's right. Folken has been emo offstage. Oooh, what a surprise.

Quote :: "He played an effective trick on you, that's all. He's probably fine, although gone elsewhere," revealed the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
"How do you know this?" Dumbledore asked.
"It's a trick he's played often on others when he was small." Although the staff was somewhat relieved to know that the student was alright, Snape was particularly nettled by then.
"I'm going to give him so much work that he'll collapse under the strain," muttered Snape darkly. "He'll fail miserably on his OWLs and fare as badly as I have today." Folken heard this.
"May I ask why you'll be doing this? Possibly, why he jumped out of the window?" Snape quailed under Folken's intimidating stare.
"No, I've changed my mind, I'll just be giving him a detention. He just jumped out the window- just like that. He wouldn't even change his seat."

At least one small semblance of Real Snape remains in the fact that he's more nettled over the student not listening to his seat assignments than he is the window-hopping part.

Quote :: Folken arose, along with the rest of the staff. "He's safe- we have no reason to stay here any longer." The teachers trailed out, one by one, and prepared to reinstate their classes.

Er... no one knows where he is, still. Sounds like a reason to me. Dammit, I wish Major Writing Flaw hadn't sunk the Logic. What with Admiral Ly's budget cuts, we haven't been able to get a satisfactory replacement yet, and everyone was so looking forward to welcoming the Common Sense to our fleet.

Quote :: Later on that evening, when the students had all retired to their common rooms, Van cheerily strode in to the Gryffindor common room, whistling. He was greeted by all the Gaeans, who clapped and whooped loudly for his latest scheme. The other Gryffindors screamed, thinking Van to be dead.

Whoohoo, we finally unlocked more actions! I think I have to start paying fines for overuse of words like "quite", so the money the unlocking brings in will be welcome.

Quote :: "That was brilliant!" exclaimed Gatti, his face alight.
"What was?" asked one of the Weasley twins, coming over.
"I pretended to fall out of the window in Snape's class," said Van, plopping into a squishy chair.
"Excellent!" praised George- or was it Fred?

Everything's always brilliant to a fool.
How does Forge not know what's up? "The other Gryffindors" seemed plenty up-to-date.

Quote :: "You're back," Dilandau sullenly remarked, stating the painful obvious.
"I went to Hogsmeade," said Van. "They actually serve very good meals at the pub there- Hog's Head, I think it's called."
"They let you in?" asked Shesta in amazement. Van nodded, and noticed that the Gryffindors were clearing off, the occurrence having lost its appeal.
Van turned to Selena. "You brought my stuff up?" She nodded, and held up a heavy bag, which Van lifted up with ease and carried to his dorm, followed by the DragonSlayers (who were greatly interested in Van's escapade).

Dammit, now he has fanboys. Ones who he once killed. Autograph signings must get so awkward. "To my #1 victim, Love, Van"

Quote :: Dilandau looked slightly miffed that Van was still in the school, although Selena cheerfully pointed out to him that at least Snape was still suffering. He agreed, then decided to go up to the dormitory to get his crown- he wanted to polish it.

There's an awful lot of polishing in this story. Too bad it never happens to the writing.

Oh, crap. I peeked at the next paragraph and now Major Contrivance is kicking and screaming in protest (he's supposed to be on vacation after today).

Quote :: Harry Potter had never learnt not to run with sharp objects. He also hadn't learnt to stand up to Lord Voldemort. He'd done that before, although he'd never ran with sharp objects. It started out simply enough; he was fetching scissors from his dorm for something.

Like what? Does Ron give him haircuts in the Common Room? Pretty sure we never saw HP with scissors. Ever.

Quote :: And he ran, and the scissors pierced into the chest of Dilandau Albatou coming out of his dormitory. Harry wasn't at all sure what to do in that case. Dilandau was about to die, probably, because Harry had been careless. But he'd get blamed all the same anyway.

Interesting set of priorities there, hero.

Quote :: Harry stood there, in the hallway, looking terrified at the sight of Dilandau coughing up blood. In the Gryffindor common room, Selena Schezar was also coughing up blood, holding her hand to the stab-wound.
Gatti, who was there at the time, hovered around her. "Lady Selena!" he exclaimed, frightened. "What happened?" Selena didn't answer, but concentrated all her energy into bringing Dilandau into her. Her labored breathing was the only sound in the common room for several minutes.
At that moment, Selena's hair seemed to get lighter, her eyes changed color, and her body swelled up in her robes. Dilandau Albatou was in her place by then, but the two of them switched back painfully; the stab wound having dissapeared.

AW SO CLOSE [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ! Also, looks like the stupid got to me at that point, between the semi-colon and mispelling in the last sentence.

Quote :: Dilandau Albatou looked up in the Gryffindor common room murderously. "I'll get Potter for this," he hissed unpleasantly, then gave an evil laugh. Grasping his sword, he climbed up to where he'd seen Harry last.
Several minutes later, Harry was tied to the wall of the outside of a tower. His glasses were gone, along with his wand, and he was purely defenseless. He was very disoriented by then, and the only thing he thought about was the day's events. Becoming hysterical, he laughed a very shrill, high-pitched laugh.

And yet they're still planning their revenge against Lavarti? Guess they're trying to be PC about it, so they're biding their time until everyone knows how much they love gays. Also, I guess I was wrong about Dilandau going up against Voldemort. They should probably meet for tea.

Quote :: Selena had appeared by now, in separate form, and she and Dilandau were spending their time just talking to the DragonSlayers. Dilandau was successfully instilling a feeling of hatred for Harry Potter in the DragonSlayers. Selena was just telling them not to do much harm if they were trying to do anything.

Some ~~girlfriend~~ two-time-date-and-cuckolder she is. Things got so stupid I had to take another song break:

D'landau merrily hangs high
In Hogwarts Harry Potter;
D'landau laughs at the sky,
It will release some water.
So, now what are we to do, Potter has lost his shoe, too stupid to be true, you wish that you could sue, there's nothing that can save you but
Hosanna, in Excelsis!

Sad thing is, my skill in poetry has improved so little (as you can see) that it's possible I could've written the whole fic like that ^. Idk, I would've preferred reading a fic full of those to what we got stuck with.

Quote :: Later on that day, Dilandau went to a tower to untie Harry, then dragged him to the principal's office. Upon reaching there, Dilandau said the password (told to him by Selena), and the two entered.
"Good day," greeted Dumbledore. "What happens to be the problem at hand?"
"Potter stabbed me," said Dilandau, "endangering the life of both Selena Schezar and I."
This had not been what Dumbledore was expecting. "The life, Mister Albatou?"
"The life." Dilandau swung his sword dangerously at Harry, who jumped back just in time.
"Mr. Potter, what do you have to say for yourself?" Dumbledore fixed his penetrating stare on Harry.

Dumbledore rolls with it. Notice he doesn't penetrate Harry until he hears Selena was jeopardised.
"Dilandau, my boy, you've got something by your mouth - yes, you got it. Just leaking a little secretion. So, you say he stabbed you hours ago? Naturally, I understand the need for recovery - I once got something the Muggle Healers call a Needle, and it took days to recover from the stiffness, very primitive - but I hadn't heard about the incident from Madam Pomfrey. What happened after that? Tower, you say? But which one? Hufflepuff... oh, that's the merest bump in the ground. I'm sure you'll be fine, Harry!"

Quote :: Harry started blubbering. "It was all a mistake, sir! I, I, I didn't mean to! I was just running and the scissors suddenly pierced him!" That wasn't very much like Harry at all, but neither was accidentally stabbing people. Besides, Harry had, after all, been tied to a tower for a few hours.
"I see." Dumbledore sighed loudly. "While I am happy that you are alive, Mr. Albatou, I would appreciate it if you keep your sword to yourself.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: And Harry? Your lesson is to never run with sharp objects." Harry would have told Dumbledore about the tower incident, but a glare from Dilandau stopped him. Besides, it had been a very humiliating experience.
After being escorted out, Dilandau hacked Harry on the arm with the sword, then left. Meanwhile, Harry had to go to the infirmary to get his bleeding arm healed, then reported to Hermione and Ron, who'd been very worried about him.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: Ron applauded Harry. "You nearly killed Albatou!"
Hermione took on a more investigative approach. "Selena and Dilandau share a life? How can that be? Well, I always knew there was something odd about that girl, and I was right all along!"
Harry sighed. "That's not the point! The point is that Dilandau Albatou now hates me more than Malfoy does. He can defend himself very well, hurt me badly -and probably kill me, and has a group of friends who also hate me by now. He is also on the same Quidditch team as I am. It's like having Death Eaters run all over the school."

Does everyone keep forgetting Selena was his date for a while? Obviously she didn't hate him. Good catch on the DS/DE similarities though.

Quote :: "You could make friends with one of them, then they'd probably not do as much damage," suggested Ron.

*sigh* Everyone keeps forgetting Selena was his date for a while. Including Past Me.
But if the DS listen to Dilandau and Selena, and Dilandau listens to Selena, this really all comes down to her. If she doesn't stop Harry getting hurt (and she didn't seem to care much earlier), she's as bad as Bella from Twilight if he ends up dead.

Quote :: "What's the matter?" asked Fred & George together, coming over. Harry gestured darkly to the circle of friends sitting by the fire (where else would a pyromaniac sit?). They were glancing over at Harry, and seemed to be plotting something.
"Don't worry about it. Have a chocolate," George offered, handing Harry a chocolate. Harry had forgotten his resolution to never accept food from the Weasley twins, and popped the chocolate in his mouth.
He instantly felt a sizzling sensation in his mouth, and when he opened it, fire came streaming out. The common room looked at this and tittered, while Fred started to promote the Hot Chocs (ten Knuts each), as the chocolates were called. Weasley's Wizard Wheezes was prospering.

What a non sequitur way to end. I notice the most recent chapters have a habit of concluding before the conflict is resolving. It's all good because it means they end earlier, but it's still shoddy plotting. Like, "Yup, I'm all wrote out, time to post!" which I'm more and more certain is how it went.

Author's Note:

Quote :: A/N: Chapter 11 is shorter than the others so far, so shoot me.

You'd deserve it, but I'm still celebrating the brevity of this chapter. Pass.

Quote :: It's just a basis chapter, where the foundation of something bigger is built.

But everything in this chapter sucked! Great, now the island nation of Suck has to start reclaiming land in order to have a big enough territory to house this fic.

Quote :: Besides, I am very tired, and my legs (for some unknown reason) hurt.

*shrugs* I got nothing. Probably walked up a hill while fat.

Quote :: In which case I implore you to review out of pity. Good bye, fair and responsible reader, and good luck to you in future.

Bitch, bitch, bitch. Even Anne of Green Gables wasn't this melodramatic when she was getting sent down the river in her 'tragic death scene'.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Chapter Twelve: Strategical Planning
That's not a word, dammit! *tends tiny fairy bites*

Quote :: A/N: Yeah, yeah, I've taken a holiday. But I'm back!

Pretty damn likely I went somewhere awesome, so WHY DID I HAVE TO COME BACK??

Quote :: The next day, Ginny had a swordplay lesson (she was very interested in defending herself) with Selena. During that time, Selena mentioned, "Dilandau has a new nemesis- Harry Potter."
Ginny dropped her sword with a clang and gasped. "Harry? He's my brother's best friend! And besides," she added, "he saved my life once." She picked up her sword.
Selena shrugged. "I've told Dilandau that he should stop his hatred, but that's how he is. He's the half with the hate. We're opposite in several qualities, while parallel in others. In fact, we're both only halves of a whole. I wish we were two wholes instead." She demonstrated to Ginny how to counter an attack.

*falls asleep while Suelena gripes & moans*

Quote :: "I hope Harry & Ron are safe, then," said Ginny nervously. "Dilandau and the DragonSlayers will probably do something drastic."
"Only we would probably be able to watch over all of them, and make sure no one gets mauled or killed," declared Selena grimly. Ginny nodded in agreement, and the two girls had a sham duel for the sake of Ginny's education.

So now Hitomi's been replaced by Ginny, and it STILL falls to the chicks to keep those Neandertal hotheads from fighting? (really, there's no head-banging emoticon?)

Quote :: Later on that same day, Ginny had a talk with Ron after Dilandau's new obsession. "He's after Harry!" she exclaimed.
Ron's face crinkled in confusion and dismay. "What? But Ginny, how do you know this? I mean, you didn't ask them, did you?"
Ginny shook her head. "I heard them talking about it," she said truthfully. She'd also participated in the recent conversation, asking the others not to do anything. Ginny was actually surprised that Ron didn't know who her friends were. Of course, they didn't always stay in the common room, and Ron wasn't usually in the common room at the same times.

God, no wonder Ginny was so freaking emo. No one noticed anything about her. Of course, she spent a whole year in canon with a boyfriend she was 3/4s the age of who lived in a book and possessed her from time to time. Allowed.

Quote :: Ron grabbed Ginny's hand. "What did they say?" he demanded to know fiercely.
She paused. "Well, the tower incident- they were talking about that, and-"
Ron drew in his breath sharply. "What tower incident?" he demanded to know. Ginny's eyes widened as she realized what Harry had been keeping from his friends.
"It's just something that happened earlier on this week, but it's Harry's affair. It's his business, and if he didn't tell you, I can't." Ginny shook her head, then just as Ron was about to grab her again, Viole entered the room.

A brother grabbing his little sister's hand? Does he think they're about to cross the road or something?
LOL@ being unwillingly strung from a tower referred to as 'Harry's affair'. It's not like it's a fetish! Of all the times for one of them to keep a secret...

Quote :: He waved to Ginny, who waved back to him as he approached. "Hello and good evening," he greeted, and sat down besides Ginny. "What are you doing tonight?" he asked her.
This infuriated Ron, especially since Ginny seemed to be going to answer the fellow. "Who are you?" he snarled.

Please, Molly would box the ears of any of her children who didn't answer a simple conversation starter. Ron is totally huffing dragon blood in this fic.

Quote :: "Viole," Ginny said to Ron. "I don't think I'll be doing anything tonight, unless my Medical Magic homework gets hopelessly lost," she answered Viole. But Ron was not satisfied with just the name of this odd fellow.
"Do you know Ginny?" he asked.
"Yes," answered Viole simply, and noticed the other DragonSlayers. Dilandau, Selena and Van entering the common room in a large, noisy group. As usual, Van and Dilandau tried to stay away from each other.
"Ginny! Viole!" Van called out, waving to the two from the Gaeans' favorite corner. "Come over here!" The two nodded to him, and rose, leaving Ron in utter dismay.
Ron hadn't known who Ginny's friends were (or if she even had any) for the past few years at Hogwarts. Neither had he really given any thought or worry to it. But now Ginny was hanging around with the 'bad' crowd, who wanted to eliminate Harry from life. Apparently Ginny's crush had fizzled out painfully.

*gets a slap on the wrist for abuse of the word 'fellow'*
Not the 'bad' crowd thing again! On the note of Ron not taking notice, I'm pretty sure he'd receive another wallop if he didn't keep track of Ginny, especially now that she's dating age.

Quote :: Ron knew what he had to do: talk to Harry.
He sprinted out of the common room, and ran to the Quidditch pitch, where practice had just concluded. There he met Harry and Hermione, who were woefully discussing the sharp turn their love lives had taken.

OH NO WILL THIS LEAD TO HARRY/HERMIONE. Pair the spares is the kind of hackneyed plotting I wouldn't put past this fic.

Quote :: "Guys," he panted, "Ginny's in the criminal group- you know the criminal group, with Albatou- and she just told me, they've chosen Harry, or at least Albatou has, to be their new enemy." He stopped to regain his breath, and looked up at Harry suspiciously. "And what is the tower incident?"

Wow, they accrue names like they do suckage. "The criminal group" LMAO.

Quote :: Hermione looked indifferent at first. "Didn't you notice who Ginny was hanging around with? I certainly did." Then a frown crossed her face. "But these people- they're trained fighters, and their marks in magic are quite good. Therefore? Harry really doesn't stand much of a chance."

I so did not know how friends supported each other.
I bet Dumbledore writes their tests and put them in the pile before class even starts. Only explanation about the marks.

Quote :: "Thanks, Hermione," interrupted Harry sarcastically.
"The only chance of you coming away from this affair scot-free," continued Hermione, "is if Harry plays on the sympathy of one of them. Namely Selena, Ginny, and the dark-haired boy who's on the Quidditch team."
"Van?" Harry asked.
Hermione nodded, and Ron cut in to the conversation. "Will no one tell me what the tower incident is? What about you, Hermione? You've hidden so many secrets before, I'm sure that revealing one wouldn't hurt."

Frig, Ron is having his own V-card (aka Voldemort-card) incident, except in this case it's his T-card.

Quote :: Hermione looked startled. "I don't know what you're talking about! You just keep on going on about this tower, but I've never heard of this."
"I, sadly, have," spoke up Harry. "Between the time when I stabbed Dilandau (accidentally, mind) and when he dragged me down to the office, Dilandau dragged me up to a tower, stole my glasses and wand, and tied me onto the outside wall of this tower." Harry shuddered, trying to repress the horrible experience. "Even Dudley's antics haven't compared to it."

OMG the bolded section may have to be the new description for this fic. The absurdity does not compare.

Quote :: There was silence for several minutes as Harry's friends stood , flabbergasted at this odd revelation. It was Hermione that broke this silence. "You have to tell one of the teachers!" she exclaimed worriedly to Harry, vividly reminding him of Mrs. Weasley when she greeted him in the hospital wing the previous year.
Ron called Dilandau something unexpurgated which never would've been heard in a class, causing Hermione to look at him reproachfully.

It's like I was trying to attract people who usually read Disney, Touched by an Angel or 7th Heaven fic.

Quote :: "But while we're being anxious about that," said Harry cuttingly, "shall we at least think of the problem at stake?" He'd found out that sarcasm was quite a strong quality with him lately.
Ron made an impatient gesture, and summed up his idea of the whole ordeal. "I just think that you should do what Hermione said. In my opinion, they could've done something if they'd wanted to. They haven't, and you're probably safe. Besides, talking to them while holding your wand and being on guard can't hurt- not too much, anyway."
"I'm doing it now, then. Wish me luck- I'll probably need it." With that, the Boy Who Lived ran quickly in the direction of the castle, his best friends staring after him with apprehensive faces.

There's one of him and like 10 of them! Of course it could hurt. Druggie Ron probably just wants the chance to sell Harry's Cloak.

Quote :: He was unnoticed by them at first. Selena was talking quietly but furiously at several other people (the DragonSlayers), with Ginny by her side. Harry started listening to the conversation, having heard his name.
"... and he's not very different from us- he told me he'd been in these large conflicts before. If you can remember, he stabbed Dilandau accidentally. All in all, he's never done anything to us, unless he's the reborn Dornkirk, and I really believe your hatred is unfounded and unreasonable. None of you are able to give me a good, legitimate reason for hating or wanting to hurt him in any way, therefore it should not be DONE!"

Suelena has the worst, most stinted, most unnatural dialogue ever. At least she's finally sticking up for him, but why does she have to do it where I can hear her?

Quote :: At this strong outburst of anger, Selena was gone, and Dilandau appeared in her place. He glared at Harry, but didn't do anything yet.
"Have you a problem with me?" he said clearly to the large group. Dilandau glanced at him, and looked at the DragonSlayers.

Good move, Duncelena, that'll keep Harry from being harmed. LOL Harry not caring that his lust object just got replaced by the dude who wants to kill him. "Ready to make out with Cho Chang, she turns in to Voldemort? No bigs."

Quote :: "I'm sure it's something that can be settled," Dalet told him smoothly.
Ginny looked quite pale. Harry smiled kindly at her, saying, "Hullo, Ginny." She gave him a slight grin, and nodded her head at him. Before any of them could say anything, Dilandau himself suddenly ran to his dorm, where he took a while to form Selena into her own body. She emerged very tired, and collapsed in a heavy state of sleep on Dilandau's bed.
He smiled wanly, tired out himself from his efforts. Dilandau smoothed back Selena's hair, and tucked her into the bed. It would be better to leave her where she was than to disturb her.

Dilandau ran away with his tail between his legs (missing the dialogue, though, good for him)? Harry must be feeling pretty triumphant right now.

Quote :: Hermione was feeling like the epitome of anxiety. Harry was one of her best friends, and she was quite worried about him. Of course, he'd get through his escapades in the end- but there was always a first time for misfortune. Hermione cursed herself, figuratively, for ever having a mad crush on Dilandau in the first place.
She still liked him- there was some irresistible pull that kept you from hating him, at least if you were female, in Hermione's opinion. Although it could've just been that Dilandau was invigoratingly different. His whole crowd was.

I think she mistook 'invigorating' for 'irritating'.

Quote :: But the reason Hermione was turning the corners towards the boys' side of Gryffindor tower was because of both Dilandau and Harry. She was hoping to be able to resolve several things with Dilandau, including his enmity towards Harry. Besides, she'd always been extremely curious about what the dorms were like for the males.
She examined the labels on the doors carefully, and stopped when she came to one that said, "Fifth Years Boys, II: The DragonSlayers, the Commander, and the King." Hermione found this very confusing and odd. She assumed that it probably wasn't true, but privately believed that if it was, Dilandau would be either the Commander or the King.

I like that people never believe their stupid secretion leaks, but why is there an 'if it was' attached? By now everyone should be like, "Yeah, those losers are really into their LARP personalities" and that should be the end of it.

Quote :: With all of her cunning, she carefully nudged the door open, and scuttled farther away until the door was open a sufficient crack. Hermione inched carefully towards the door, and slipped through it.

Great, now we have to put up with another painful scene of 'let's figure out what makes them so ~*SPECIAL*~!!!1!' Unless Past Me continues the trend of not picking up the plot threads of the last chapter? *crosses fingers*

Quote :: A/N: Rejoice, for I am here again. Anyway, did you know this story is more than 50 pages long already?

YES. No actually, but it definitely felt that interminable.

Quote :: Give yourself a pat on the back, you're reading like your teacher wants you to.

No. No you are not. STOP NOW.

Quote :: Too bad the formatting's gone down the drain.

I'd say that was a good thing - not that we can tell with FF.Net in its current much-improved incarnation - but then I remembered that I was too good for paragraph breaks later on and replaced them with line breaks. The Forces of Suck salute that move.

Quote :: Also, if you want to download the whole shebang of Escaflowne fan fics I have, go here. You have to sign up with .com, though- so fill in the 'refer' section with the code U006D1AF9. The password is Escafans.

Shit, how awful would all that be? Good thing the formatting did get cut out so we don't have to suffer whatever's behind that link (where it actually leads I forget. Could probably look it up, but that would just be opening Pandora's box).

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Chapter Thirteen: The Documentator
*the entire race of Chapter Title Fairies drops down dead (except one. Just because The Last [Organism] is always awesome)*

Quote :: Hermione, upon entering the Gaean male student dorm, noticed a rather magnificent box next to one of the beds at once. It attracted her attention because it seemed to hum and glow. This mysterious box had odd writing upon it, in a script that Hermione couldn't read.

Mr. Weasley asks, "Is that a comtuper?!?"

Quote :: Her interest peaked, she crept over to where the box was to examine it more closely.

Either her interest just orgasmed - more romance novel terminology! - or I meant 'piqued'. She's next to Dilandau's bed (smelling his musky scent, admiring the masculine decor, etc), it's a tossup.

Quote :: She shook the box vigorously, but when she didn't hear any suspicious noises, she curled her fingers around the edge of the box and pulled.

Hermione must think it's Dilandau's 1-week anniversary present to her. When else would she open something so obviously belonging to someone else?

Quote :: What struck her next was easily the most intensifying pain she'd ever felt.

Is 'intensifying' a word? It sounds like something Gatorade would use to describe itself.

Quote :: A voice was heard from the other end of the dormitory. "Shut up, stupid girl! You shouldn't have opened that box- it's dumb to open unidentified objects, and that is Van's box."

Hermione, you live with Lavender & Parvati, and Selena & Hitomi for a while. You must've learnt that sticking your hand in a box without asking, a box that doesn't belong to you at that, can never go well.

Quote :: She could see Dilandau Albatou lying on the bed, looking as if he wasn't quite up yet, and Selena Schezar was curled up next to him. She was in a sleep so profound it reminded Hermione of the Muggle fairy tales she'd read to herself when she was a toddler.

We know that Suelena's mind is not active enough to sleep lightly, but Hermione persists in trying to think of her as "optimistic". In that case, run, Hermione! Only way it would look more like date rape would be if she caught him in the act of getting jiggy with it (nananana na na na!).

Quote :: "Sleeping, to the best of my recollection. Why? Would it happen to be your business?"
Hermione glanced at the still sleeping girl on the bed. "It looks like you've been sleeping with someone, more than just sleeping."

OHSNAP. Oh pun. Oh, yuck.

Quote :: "My birthday's in September," said Hermione shortly.
"My birthday- if you could call it that, is in August, and I am sixteen at the moment. So I can and will call you a girl. But you haven't answered my question. What are you doing in this room, uninvited and unwanted, screaming?"

Thanks for that unwanted foray into fandom wikis, Past Me! Lemme guess, it's because no one ever gives you presents for your birthday... hasn't changed, everyone I know is cheapass. But I don't have to give them gifts either, so I get to be cheapass too! More money for booze and torture implements!
How does he know she didn't just mistake someone else's bed for his and [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] ? The fact she still has a crush on him makes her obsession pretty big.

Quote :: "You don't know that I'm uninvited," said Hermione stiffly.
"I do. The DragonSlayers wouldn't invite you, because I told them not to invite anyone outside our group, and Van wouldn't invite you because he's still languishing over that psychic girl," Dilandau told her with a smirk, still lounging lazily in the bed.

Well, that answers my last question. Captain Psychic pegs another battleship.
So not enough maniacal laughter from Dilandau. What, is he suddenly shy around strangers?

Quote :: Hermione felt anger rise through her. "They're your friends! You can't just boss them around and insult them! And don't lie to me, of course you've been sleeping with Selena! It's probably the only thing you do!"
Dilandau cocked his eyebrow. "You wouldn't know much about friends. You have only two.

And he has none - same as I did! Is that really the comeback he wants to use?

Quote :: And Selena happens to be in a state of exhaustion, having collapsed on my bed. You are supposed to be smart, according to all the teachers. What is it that you can't figure out? Also, YOU'RE NOT WANTED HERE. Get that through your bushy head."
Hermione felt tears sting her eyes. She'd thought- no, hoped that Dilandau liked her, and was attracted to her. He'd asked her to the dance, after all. But he obviously just didn't care either way.

I like how he adds an "Also" to his GTFO, as if he felt it needed elaboration. Unnecessary Dilandau is Unnecessary. He was chaste as a Franciscan monk with Hermione, so Idk where she got the 'attraction' from. That's what he gets for acting like Suelena's brother (who will probably out-Sue her when we see him).

Quote :: "I thought you weren't like all the others," she whispered out in the hallway. By 'the others' she meant the Slytherins, and everyone who'd been mean to her or called her a Mudblood before. Dilandau had never done this- mainly because he hadn't thought Hermione worth his time, although she didn't know this.

Boy, thanks for explaining 'the others', Captain Obvious, but Opposite Hermione is in love with Dilandau because he's mean to her. Only answer.

Quote :: the letter was from Hitomi (her only correspondent)

CALLED IT! *does a fine jig with Captain Psychic*

Quote :: Selena fished into the envelope, and pulled out a reddish-hued pendant. Swinging it around, she noticed that it would swing in perfect synchronization to the grandfather clock by the wall. Pleased to have such a wonderful heirloom, Selena smiled and started singing all the way to the common room.

Making sure to replace Hitomi even further, Suelena makes her yield her special pendant - yeah, the one she reassured Van would keep him & Hitomi together, that she's so happy to have now. And she makes with the psychic too. I guess when she starts freaking singing, birds alight upon her dainty alabaster shoulders.

Quote :: Selena supposed that everyone was downstairs in the Great Hall for meals. She started singing again as she strode out to the Great Hall, slipping the pendant around her neck as she walked. When she reached the Hall, her theory was proved to be right, as the whole school was there.

So much thought into whether people left for meals at mealtime! Suelena proves her lack of intelligence again.

Quote :: So, her father had been to Atlantis. If he'd been killed after that, he must have been coming back, despite what the spiteful maids in the Circle (In other words, anyone who was in the midst of the high societies and was always invited to the balls and social events- Selena herself was in the Circle, although not by choice) said.

Thus do I sow the seeds for my guilty pleasure of Regency Romances.
I bet Dumbledore hated his son-in-law and journeyed to Atlantis just to kill him, thus starting the dark path that led to Opposite Evildore of today.

Quote :: The maids of the Circle had been talking about how Leon Schezar had abandoned his family, running off with a young woman and living a most slanderous life indeed.

Admission into this fic, before the open-door policy extended to readers, must've been conditional on proving you were a prissy bitch.

Quote :: As she reasonably thought, asking Folken and Van would probably let her know about Atlantis, while asking Allen about her father would either make him withdraw from her or tell her about their father. Either way, Selena believed her solution was sensible enough to work. She set to work on it that very night.

Watching Duncelena try to figure something out is like watching a clothed monkey ride a bicycle (I have pics).

Quote :: "Van," she asked him in the Gaean boys' dormitory, where the whole group of them were hanging out, "could you tell me all you know about Atlantis?"

Idk why she phrases her questions asking for so much info. It's not like she can hold it all in her pretty li'l head at once.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] General Exposition shits for a few paragraphs (he's won records) and Van doesn't react to the fact that his love gave Sue-freaking-lena the pendant that has passed between them exclusively for a while now. Then we learn Van's the man in the box or something like that, and this pointless passage follows:

Quote :: An idea struck him. "I'll take the box down to Folken, he's the only other one who can make use of it as far as I know, and he'll probably find it interesting and useful."
With this brainstorm, Van leapt towards his prized box, grabbed it, and jogged out of the room with it. Those in the room stared after him. "He is a man of action indeed," commented Viole.
The others nodded in agreement, while Dilandau scowled.

This fic treats any old thought like a fantastic idea! That must be acted on immediately! And it's so amazing if it does! That's because I was a lazyass who sat around implementing, like, nothing. Not that much has changed there. But yeah, Van all-out runs to Folken's office because... I guess Folken gets drunk at a certain point and starts poking him and pulling his hair and when he says he's gonna tell asks him who. I can understand him wanting to avoid that.

Quote :: It was very well decorated on the walls, with many artistic ventures that Folken had tried. After discovering that he wasn't at all mediocre at art, Folken had continued to sketch, paint, draw and on down the list.

He's so coordinated with his newly-generated arm that he can handle art, and awesomely? Two choices: we call him Folstu, or we call him Stuken.
The furthest I got at art being really bad anime and comic sketches that I of course thought were great (rearranged my hot coals to say "self awareness" recently), no wonder I stuck with 'on down the list' to dismiss the rest of the world of artistic endeavours.

Quote :: "Brother," Folken greeted Van, who nodded.

Sheesh, he hasn't started tugging your hair yet, that's a little cold.

Quote :: As Van got up to leave, he remembered something.
"Also, do not let anyone open the box, or they'd get hit with pain, I believe."

"OBTW" indeed, Van. A mere trifle.

Quote :: Over these days, Folken worked studiously on deciphering the script of the Atlanteans (and succeeded shortly)

At least someone in the fic can be smart now that Hermione's turned into a lovesick dumbass. So of course, I had to overdo it. There's always Dumbledore as evil mastermind, I suppose, and I had the evil, but not the master, or even the mind.

Quote :: Hermione was dreaming nerve-wracking nightmares. She suspected this was due to the box (she called it Pandora's Box in her mind) that she'd tried to open. An odd scar seemed to be snaking its way up her leg, also.

Ooh, now she can be a Sue too! She's becoming troubled and she's getting a special scar!
IIRC the solution to Hermione's problem is going to be as ludicrous as Dilandau and Selena's method of getting filthy lucre.

Quote :: Hermione's strong will broke when she saw this scar, and despite her upcoming Defense Against the Dark Arts class, she ran frantically to the hospital wing.

Read that as just 'to the hospital' as first and thought, she'll be running a hell of a long time then. 'Hospital wing' still sounds weird; don't they call it the infirmary?

Quote :: By the time she reached the Defense Against the Dark Arts class, everyone was already paired up for an assignment on the Veela.

Opposite World being set in the 50s, the Veela must be using Dark Arts!!!1!righteous!!1!

Quote :: "Van," she started bossily, "you've got to get some work done! I'm not going to do all of it for you."
"You seemed quite happy to do that just now," Van pointed out.

Other than maligning the memory of poor Said (RIP), this must be the best dialogue in the fic so far. How depressing.

Quote :: I think your box has cursed me

THAT'S WHAT HE-anyway.

Quote :: "I think I'm cursed, but I'm not sure, and since you teach about Defense Against the Dark Arts, I thought you might be able to help me."

~~You're~~I'm telling me that Hermione just put up with pain, nightmares and scarring without consulting the library? She wasn't the only one on Opposite World, it seems.

Hermione screeches a bunch when Folken brings out the box, and the rest of the chapter slips and mires itself in deeper stupidity than anything else so far.

Quote :: "Here we are- a warning for those who unsuccessfully attempt to open the Documentator."

The fucking Documentator. Good thing no one consulted me over Microsoft Word, OpenOffice, WordPerfect, Wordpad, Notepad or even freaking typewriter.

Quote :: "For those who cannot open the box, they will find themselves struck with odd afflictions soon after. Blurring vision is one of these, along with scars, bad dreams, the impression of superiority, loss of memory, and sudden changes in personality.
To solve this, one who can open the Documentator should simply wish them good luck, and the victim of the curse should keep the next secret they have away from anyone else. Although these methods do not sound authentic, this is how we, as a very cautious and ingenious civilization, have set up precautions."

Too much absurdity not to go crazy with the bolding. The impression of superiority doesn't sound like an affliction to me, but that's just because I may have it (or did, before I started snarking this fic). Now we know why Hermione was so screechy.
Clearly, the Atlanteans could see into the future. There is not a bat's chance in Hell that a Gaean can keep a secret.

Ohgosh. Not only is the next bit horrendous because Major Death-Nevermind couldn't find anymore ways to delay submitting his paperwork, but there's another (clumsy) reader insert.

Quote :: A Gryffindor fifth year, who'd been dubbed [the least Hogwarts name of all time], wrote about it in her journal that morning:
They weren't human though- I thought they looked as if they'd tried to use a Polyjuice Potion with cat hair. A girl in my dorm, Hermione, did that in the second year (she told me all about it), and I was cleaning out bedpans in the infirmary and saw her then.

Why would anyone be doing that? Must be a Snapetention.

Quote :: Snape stopped immediately (he's scared of Professor deFanel!). Anyway, the cat twins got up, and as Professor deFanel was walking toward the High Table (he didn't really notice that the people were half cats, I think. If he did it wasn't very weird to him), they ran up to him, and called him Lord Folken, and gave him this huge hug.

It's like I thought nothing could embarass anyone, ever. Which I myself had contradicted at this point, that one day when I wore white pants after Labour Day. Though the time of year wasn't really the problem.

Quote :: I don't know what the school's going to do- I mean, there are these half-bred people who just appear out of nowhere? Slightly odd, right? Probably the Minister of Magic will come down or something. And our parents are coming next week, too! But for now, Professor deFanel is probably going to have the twins with him, or have them go into the forest- the cats probably won't listen to anyone else."

By gosh, everyone's psychic. I'm feeling a lot less special about my relationship with Captain Psychic now. I didn't know we weren't going to be exclusive!! I would've hooked up with General Exposition if I'd known that!

Author's Note:

Quote :: A/N: OK, I just want reviews.

Then why didn't I dress my fic up skimpily - wait, guess I already did that - and stand it on the street corner already?

Quote :: In those reviews, please put;
What you think sounds like a Gaean name (male/female, whatever)

All this semicolon abuse is making me semiclench.
Whatever a Gaean name sounds like, it definitely wasn't the reviewer who I put in this chapter. Still a little pissed they requested it but never bothered with an actual, useable name as opposed to an online handle to do so.

Quote :: What couplings you want to see
What you think the Patronus & Boggarts of the Esca people would be like
And in this fic, Miguel is dead as a doorknob. Remember that so you won't get confused.

This just adds to the confusion! OK, I guess he died separately and before the others. Why everyone else, even the freaking catgirl twins, gets to come back and he doesn't is a little galling, though. I mean, if I was going to do it anyway, I should've gone all out. Major Death-Nevermind's just getting warmed up now.

Am really terrified of the upcoming chapters because I think I took the opportunity to see how much I could spew into each one and they ended up being thousands of words each. Hold me, ~~Captain Psychic~~ General Exposition. Hold me.

Join date : 2010-06-18 Age : 35 Location : Canada

Chapter Fourteen: Life, Times & the start of Guardian Week

Quote :: A/N: This is by far the longest chapter, explaining why I took so long.

Um, ditto, I guess. Lie, I was totally putting it off. Can you blame me?

Quote :: As future warning, there will be a bit more of the adults' side of things.

HAHAHA I thought I needed to warn about shifting the focus from bratty teens to adults (bo-ring!). More subtle putdown of the audience. What a brat I was!

Quote :: I thought it would be fun to throw in a slight bit of Selena history and Folken's involvement,

That sounds like the absolute antithesis thereof.

Quote :: and the reason they don't recognize Folken in the second shot of his younger self is because his hair isn't styled as usual.

Clark Kent can't be Superman!!! Superman would never need glasses!!!

Quote :: They also don't recognize Gaea because it's only surrounding Selena- and I just added Selena's middle name in myself.

Oh, middle name! I bet it's SPECIAL. Another check off the Mary Sue list. Thinking forward to the actual circumstances, I'm pretty sure there was no reason to recognise Gaea.

I vaguely recall this chapter after reading the Author's Note, and even the Improbability Drive is going to overheat, Captain Psychic's pretty sure - sent me the message through carrier pigeon, since we aren't talking right now. So hold on to your hats (though as denizens of Why God Why, explosion of the Improbabilty Drive is old hat I'm sure).

Quote :: The Hogwarts Guardian Week grew very close as the night waned

A week growing close as the night waned? What night? I should get an award for worst opening sentences ever. What's next? "There was a sun in the sky as they woke up in the morning". Pfft.

Quote :: Folken had found out how Dumbledore had delivered the letters & gotten transportation for the new fifth years, and he carried out this same method to find Allen for Selena.

NOOOO he's turning YOOOOOOOOU

Quote :: A few parents arrived early at Hogwarts, but most everything went to plan.

'How dare you arrive early!! That's not what we planned!'

Quote :: Allen Schezar arrived on Monday, with another arrival- Eries Aston.

In order to increase the brattiness of the fic, I had to bring in a freaking PRINCESS. Background (for once - hooking up with General Exposition was good for something!): Eries is the middle, now eldest, princess of Allen the knight's country, which is all princesses no princes, but somehow her youngest sister is the one who gets to rule. Ish.

Quote :: Selena was having Care of Magical Creatures, [...] Allen was still rather overprotective of her, but Selena was in better humours about this, considering he hadn't been around for the year.

It's Care of Magical Creatures and Hagrid's having them rub against gryphons. I'd be 'rather overprotective' too.

Quote :: Most girls in the surrounding area fell for Allen instantly by looking at him. He seemed oblivious of this, though, as he was discussing Fanelia with Van.

But what is the fun of having the power of making random teenagers fall in love with you if you don't notice?? And do we finally get to find out what happened to Van's country? Fingers crossed Eries just came to tell him she took over it to finally have a country of her own, so there [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.].

Quote :: Hagrid gave up trying to teach them and dismissed the class.

Didn't he do that a long time ago (ie Flobberworms)? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :: The classes were eventually cancelled for the day, as the other teachers had the same problem as Hagrid.

Oh please, Snape probably made the parents write a test and laughed at the results in front of the class. Making fun of these kids' parents, his classmates, is the only reason he became a teacher I'm sure.

Quote :: Folken (with Naria and Eriya of course by his side) went to look after Van, Dilandau and the DragonSlayers, figuring that he was the closest to their guardian.

'I came back from the dead for this?? This is why the world had to send me twin catgirls.'

Quote :: "Welcome to the Mystic Moon," he greeted. Eries fell against a tree when she saw him, the Strategos of Zaibach, turncoat and dead [formatting sic] in killing the Emperor.

I got so overdramatic over the word dead! Also had a strange fetish for using everyone's title instead of name. The Viscomte never complained, but my charming Canadien French was likely what wooed him in the first place.

Quote :: The shock of seeing a supposedly dead man, who'd partly ruined her home, was apparently a bit too much shock for her.

I have the urge to start a "No Shit, Sherlock" award with Captain Obvious, but I can't for the life of me remember why. Something about blocking out the fic again.

Quote :: But as she recovered, she stood up and went over to Folken. "How and why are you here, Strategos?" was her salutation.

Eries, I know you're shocked, but there's no need to trample on poor Said's grave.

Quote :: Folken explained himself patiently to her as well as he could, and introduced himself as Folken Lacour de Fanel to her.

I guess it wasn't just titles, but middle names. It must've been because I could never reconcile that Brian Ryan's middle name was Patrick.

Quote :: When he'd finished, she spat outright in his face, [haha] [...] she ran towards the direction of the Forbidden Forest.

What kind of princess can't follow through on the reaction shot after spitting in someone's face? No wonder her country's such a coward. It plays out so Benny Hill.

Quote :: Folken looked as calm as before [...] stopping Naria and Eriya from planning to rip Eries to shreds and go after her. He instead went himself, the cat girls following, to discuss with Eries several matters.

General Inconsistency sighs at the paperwork. Folken stops the catgirls (who are women at this point, the 'girls' thing is unfair) from going after her until they invite him along?

Quote :: He steered her away, then informed, "You were about to be thoroughly injured by a magical tree." She turned away from him in disgust. He continued with an apology, "I am sorry for all the damage I've done, but it's too late for that now. Please forgive me, princess, or neither one of us will have much chance of a happy week."

I think Folken got a bit too philosophical. 'Too late for worrying about genocide now! Forgive me or our week is RUINED!' I see where the Dragon Slayers got their priorities from.

Quote :: "You're a wizard. Do I actually have a choice there?" she asked curtly.
"I must leave now, princess, and implore you not to breath a word about me to anyone." Folken majestically swept off through the undergrowth, leaving Eries (whom the cat girls hissed threateningly at before following Folken) to wonder about the new turn of circumstances.

LMAO Folken's cloak's gonna be sooooo dirty when he gets back! Snape was never going to share his secret for keeping a trailing cloak clean, after all. How come Eries is so cool with the wizard thing?

Quote :: The other Gaeans were little better off, as there were many annoying parents that rudely shoved and jostled their way through anything and everything to get to their children

HOW DARE THEY it's only been months since they've seen their children, freaking deal with it!

Quote :: Van took the human-sized Stealth Cloak that Folken had made for him, and went off to fly, since the air was virtually less crowded.

Virtually? *sigh* Has Dumbledore been playing with simulations again? I bet the parents are all tied up in the dungeons to feed the gaping maw of interplanetary transport while only their 'virtual' selves make it up top. The dark hints hidden behind the forces of Admiral Ly.

Quote :: Mrs. Weasley continued to look at the boys as if examining them for rashes.

SPECIAL rashes. Let us not pretend, she is also making sure they wash behind their ears. Possibly also reading their minds.

Quote :: "Oh, it's you," Allen said, scowling, then remembered something. "You're a DragonSlayer! But- how are you here? I mean, didn't Van-"

You know, if my enemy had a bowl cut that made him look like a sheep, that would be my reaction tbefore the whole tiresome but-wait-you're-dead-how-can-this-be business, too.

Quote :: The DragonSlayers shifted uncomfortably as Mrs. Weasley's eyes moved on to their hair; she looked as if she greatly wanted to give it a huge trim.

Deserved, but Allen's in the room, and his hair could provide for ten chemo patients. His hair could reconcile Molly to Bill's. His hair needs to have its own Chuck Norris-style jokes.

And then Allen sees Dilandau, and it gets STUPID.

Quote :: Selena smiled innocently at her brother. "This is my best friend, Dilandau Albatou," she told Allen sweetly. Selena had been quite hurt that Allen had tried to keep anything Zaibach away from her throughout her life on Gaea. Therefore, she'd figured that he'd think she had just met Dilandau at the school.

How dare he not tell her of the horrific trauma she'd suffered! She feeds on tales of trauma like Dilandau feeds on fire!
'Tee hee, no way will it look too coinci- coin- surprising when someone who used to be me ends up in the same place!'

Quote :: "You're a knight, aren't you?" Ginny asked Allen with interest.
"Yes- a Heaven's Knight."

They've completely ruptured Ginny's secret-keeping membrane. THOSE BASTARDS.

Quote :: Mrs. Weasley descended upon Dilandau, as he looked like the leader of the group to her. "Where are your parents?" she asked him.
Dilandau grinned ghoulishly. "I don't have any; wasn't born."

Private Information weeps for Opposite World.

Quote :: "Oh, Van," Ginny remembered, "can I have a feather off your cloak? I need a new quill, and the school's all out."

How did this girl keep an entire school from knowing her chicken-strangling, Dark-Lord-releasing ways at the tender age of eleven? I fear even real Ginny has left us, probably to... I got nothing, Idk what magic redheads do. I'm not even certain what real redheads do.

Quote :: "Oh, and mum," she remembered, "they put me in the fifth-year divination class the other day."

I can empathise with all their memory blocks, but must every piece of information be relayed "OBTW"?
And then that revelation turns Ron into this:

Quote :: when he went up to his dorm that night, Ron was sitting forlornly on his bed, staring straight ahead. He didn't even seem to notice the solitary tear running down his face.

HAHAHAHA SINGLE TEAR RON. I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy...

Peeves pushes Eries off the building after realising Selena is more than princess enough for one school:

Quote :: She screamed, as would most non-suicidal people would when falling off a building, and franticly tried to claw the side. Before anything could be accomplished, Eries blacked out for a few minutes. Folken, who'd run up to investigate the screaming, ripped off his robes. Black wings unfurled as he jumped up into the air, catching the princess with his muscular arms.

What is it with all the heights in this fic? And naturally Folken saves her without robes and with muscular arms. If it wasn't for his green (or whatever) hair, it would be the cover of a supernatural romance novel with "Angel of Mine" emblazoned on it in cursive. Any romance with that name would bear exactly that cover.

Quote :: Clinging tightly onto Folken now, Eries asked, "What happened? Are you a Draconian?" Folken explained his ancestry in detail to her, and landed with her in the Divination tower. His wings withdrew with a sucking noise

LMAO those wings just keep sucking!

Trelawney pops in with Major Prophecy idling in the corner. Dialogue has gotten so awful that to include it all here would take too long. Here is proof:

Quote :: "Peeves has gone too far with his mischief-making, Albus. In fact, he almost killed Eries here." Folken turned towards Eries. "You told me there was a little floating man who dropped something on your head in the tower?" Eries sullenly nodded, and Folken continued, "You see, she fell off the tower due to this, and could have died."
Dumbledore looked up determinedly. "The arrangements will be made to expel Peeves. I shall inform the students of this right now." He stood up at the table, and attracted the students' attention. "As many of you will be grieved to know-" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled here- "Peeves has to be expelled this week."
It was very comical to see the reaction of Filch. He took great gulping breaths in joy, and started doing a little jig throughout the hall, muttering ecstatically to Mrs. Norris. In fact, he was even giving points to students in the hallway for no apparent reasons. The students were very curious about the suspension of Peeves, and asked all of their teachers that day.

Filch can give points?

OK, maybe I do have to include the next section of uncensored awful. Not content with meddling with fire and the wheel, Folken has come up with something so stupid that the only good point about it is the name, which is not "Documentator":

Quote :: "My dears," Professor Trelawney started off mistily, "today we have a very special lesson for all of you. Professor deFanel has invented what he calls an Invitaspiritus throughout the year. It is very rare, as it is new, and we have tested it out to be flawless. Therefore, all of you will be lucky enough to see this for the first and possibly last time ever."
Lavender raised her hand enthusiastically. "Professor, can you tell us about it?"
"Very well, Lavender. It is a device that will show you the life of someone, running through the most important events, and skimming through the everyday happenings."
"To go into more detail about this, the Invitaspiritus will take a person's life, and others will be pulled into it from the beginning of that person's life as the surrounding air, facing that person; at least from what I've been told. The most important events will be played through again, while the everyday life will be in a fast-forwarding mode. When the person's life is ended, the Invitaspiritus will go black. We can stop it at any time."

HOW USELESS FOR A DIVINATION CLASS. I think we can guess whose life will be shown [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Ugh, the whole 'Say, teacher, tell us more!' followed by 'Well, student, [infodump of definitions]' gives me awful flashbacks to Sophie's World. The one time General Exposition & I came to blows was because of his involvement in that book, which is a philosophy textbook that disguises itself as a novel.

Quote :: "Miss Schezar?" she finally asked. "Would you be able to come up here?"
"No!" broke out Allen violently.
Selena glanced at her brother. "Don't worry, brother; it'll work out perfectly."
[skip Allen saying aw hell no]
"I grieve to tell you this, sir, but the class must go on, and Miss Schezar must participate,"

Taking a page from Dumbledore's book of forcing the students to go on exchange, I see.
Of course Suelena thinks it'll work out perfectly. Exposing all her secrets to a full class of people is a dream come true for her. Private Information braces himself for the airing he is about to receive. Since we don't care about Suelena, at least we can skip most of this lamentable portion.

Quote :: The class could see that this young man was handsome, with the same colored hair as their Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and he kept one arm under his cloaks.

*headdesk* so he still has the same GREEN (or blue Idk) hair of their DADA teacher and yet the HAIRDO keeps them from figuring it out? I know a mullet is... prolific... but how can it disguise him now?

Quote :: "Another 'speriment," the servant told him. "They ask me tell young fellow they have save, tell him he can come too. He always stuck in room, too much studying from books. Is very, very, very, very, very smart, they is saying, but need more hands-on work. Too much stuck in room with the little twins he save, need more socializing."

This guy's way of speaking makes Jar Jar Binks sound eloquent.

Quote :: As both the servant, the little Selena, and the Divination class looked apprehensively at this metal contraption, they seemed to understand: that was where his right arm had once been.

Suelena's 'special way of thinking' really IS rubbing off on them.

Blah blah blah Suelena meets the catgirls, when they are actually catgirls. When she is actually a girl too, for that matter.

Quote :: "Please don't bow down, it's only I,"

I so needed an intervention. I swear English is my native language. I couldn't even handle any others besides my handful of delightfully Canadien French.

Suelena has a huge rant that must be the worst dialogue yet. Every time I swear I won't include another huge clump, something like this comes along:

Quote :: "What, you expect me to wear this? How, shall I bother to ask you? It's horrendously out of style, inappropriately skimpy, nor does it fit. Much too short. Whose is this? Do not tell me this piece of crap was my mother's. Encia Schezar was not a midget, nor was she wearing clothes fit for a pub dancer. Nor will you give me your talk about how of course we will have to manage! We truly don't. Are we not a rich family? We've got these huge honking acres of land, not to mention people like you, who rip Allen off by getting paid. But we're as of yet not bankrupt. Therefore? We have money. Money buys cloth, you swine of a beggar's toy. Cloth makes clothes. However, the news isn't even out that I've returned yet, that I know of- I've been going down to the marketplace. Until I'm 'presentable for public duty', as that old lady housekeeper says, I shall wear any items of my choosing anyway. That matter you have no choice in. You do get paid after all, against my economically-friendly wishes. Maybe I should fire you though? Since you are not at all needed. Due to this fact, you will go now, to the kitchens where you will complain about how harsh the new mistress is. And yes, I know you will. In fact, if I followed you, I know exactly what you'd say. I do not care what some filth like you says though, luckily. I'm rambling now, evidently; you have not left! Why are you standing there, again? Have I not just commanded you to leave? GO," roared Selena at a volume that would match Dilandau's strong, high voice, "before I slap your teeth out, and you don't want me to verify that theory for you!
The maid scampered away gratefully, and Selena smiled. "It's awfully fun to bully people, and have such power,"

Suelena's too dumb to understand karma. Something awful happening to you does not lead to you getting to be awful... oh heck, she is in Opposite World, I suppose it does.

Quote :: "So the boss' lecturing us here, about his sis, eh?" chortled one of Allen's men. The other men nodded, murmuring agreement. "And I'm here thinking that she's a freak! Doesn't matter if we tell because the world will find out anyway! Not hard to tell: for a lady, she ain't talking or eating right- although she's a right looker! Wouldn't mind having her for a night, if she was older- or even now, if I wouldn't get in trouble! But I bet you the palace ladies are tearing her up the second they meet her! Heh, the hair'll be the first thing they swipe at! She's all frank & crude-"
"Just like you, Pyle," Selena interrupted him. The men gawked at her nervously- while looking her up and down- because of her outfit. "Although I believe my brother would be most displeased if he heard you speaking?" This the men knew to be true, and looked uneasily amongst one another. "Therefore, you wouldn't want it to happen again, of course- who knows who could be listening behind the other side of the door? It's likely to be my dear sibling instead of I, won't it?"

The "I"s have it. I should have been reported to the Grammar Police. Good thing the statute of limitations ran out on that one.

Quote :: In a nearby corner, several girls with large teeth, contorted noses and long hair were nodding and listening to an attractive girl talk. [...] "[Dilandau] spent the whole evening with me. [...] it was only I that he considered fine enough."

There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Dilandau...
Being such a mature young thing, I make most of the awful people uggos! Am still considering exposing myself to the Grammar Police, if not in the same way as I was before. There needs to be some way to deal with this shame.

Quote :: So," said Dilandau finally, "we meet, face to face, for the first time ever." Selena nodded, and looked as if she was silently trying to get a message across to Dilandau. It turned out as if she had, for Dilandau jumped, and burst out, "How did you do that freakish act?"

The horror! The horror! I ruined even the awesome "And so we meet" speech! Captain Obvious likes it, though.

Quote :: Selena Naria Schezar

For some reason I thought the middle name I'd chosen was "Celeste". Selena Celeste sounds a little ridiculous, but deserved. But no, I had to steal a name from one of the other characters? I hate when this fic makes me flash back to the sinking of the Logic. It was a painful time!

Quote :: Professor Trelawney checked a clock, then immediately after asked Selena if her life could be used for the next classes' presentation. "Why" Selena asked, puzzled.
Professor Trelawney sighed. "My dear, it is not through my choosing, nor that of the stars' choosing, but I am very limited in the time I have to impart my knowledge to the other classes. And..." Professor Trelawney shrugged helplessly, "your life just happens to be short enough to show them," she explained.
Selena fought back peals of laughter at this, but willingly consented to allow her mangled life to be shown to the whole of Hogwarts. Allen, on the other hand, seemed troubled by something.

Gosh, Suelena must've stopped to orgasm after Trelawney made her request. Hmm, what could possibly be troubling Allen???

Quote :: "Folken, Folken Fanel! Strategos!" Upon hearing these salutations, Folken Lacour de Fanel turned around, and walked to greet the man rapidly approaching him.
"Allen Schezar," the prince addressed the knight.
Over at the Gryffindor table, the good-natured Neville Longbottom whispered loudly to the others, "Fanel? But isn't his name deFanel? Rather confusing, don't you believe? I'll be worried about what to call him next!"

Neville, he would deserve being called Poo after his conversion of his name to douchery.

Allen thanks Folken for looking after his sis (at least he was not fooled by the Pompadour of Disguise!)

Quote :: "Don't you see?" he spoke loudly. "It's not as though your acts of goodwill don't count until they cross out any evil you've done. And you have done your share of havoc, but you have to remember to always cherish the fact that you've helped someone, sometime, somewhere in the world." With this little philosophical composition , Allen Schezar bowed to the Prince of Fanelia and walked off, leaving more than one person alone with their thoughts.

Wow, everyone must really hate Van's country, Eries's dead sister's one too, and even Eries's, if Folken patting people on the head is enough that they forgive him for destroying those places.

Quote :: A/N: This chapter is fourteen pages; read it & weep!

Check, and check. While lying on a bed of heated nails, at that.

Quote :: A Boggart is this creature that will turn into a person's greatest fear; think of what some character's Boggart would be. A Patronus is this happy-cloud that will repel a Dementor, and will be different shapes for each person.

Um... even General Exposition doesn't know what this is all about. Oh wait, I want my readers to come up with Boggarts & Patroni for the characters. Am doubting the sanity I held at this point in my life.

Quote :: And yeah, any name at all- female, male, and surname- that sounds authentically Gaean (or just sounds cool!) And, of course, any cool pairings AND your opinion of this story & why.

Gee, why didn't I just write their reviews for them? TBH it would've been better. My review page was pretty darn lulzworthy. The one real flame is from a friend of mine whom I sent a link of this fic to with an intro about it being awful and me writing it. She only got the first part of that and flamed away. At least someone had sense.

Oooh, ooh, the cool paring I want to see is Snape with both catwomen! And they should have awesome Patroni that look like a tiger and a lion!! CAUSE THEY ARE CATS GEDDIT?

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