Dildo the Hobbit and his adventures in incest

Herbert the Hobbit is a gem from the caverns of Fanfiction.net. It's a Mary Sue 'fic, but one starring a male pink-shirt-wearing Hobbit (another adopted son of Bilbo, dontchaknow) fresh off his seven month journey to get the groceries. Skillet found this one and we snarked it for kicks. I figured I may as well post it here. Please, let's avoid any wank. I'm red, Skillet is blue.

Quote :

"Hello I'm Herbert, nice to meet you,

I have golden brown hair, that in which is never ascue,

It's like a perfect storm of every possible mistake you can make in poetry.

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I have never been in love but,
That was until I met the man with the nice butt…"

Oh lord she rhymes "but" with "butt"
Butts are the only reason to love people. THE ONLY REASON.
You Like big butts and you can not lie,the other girls cannot deny, when a guy with an itty-bitty waist gets up in yo' face, you get sprung

Quote :

Chapter 1: The return

Oh, Christ! Somebody slap Shatner away from the typewritter again.

Quote :

" The Shire," Herbert said thoughtfully. You see I haven't been to the Shire in about a year or 7 months, So naturally Herbert missed his home a lot."

Good LORD
Speaker whiplash.
We're going to have to start a point-of-view switch drinking game.
\_/
Hobbits obviously travel outside of the Shire all the time. They're rugged adventurers!
Of course. It is as Nimoy sang "They love to travel away from home, and hate to eat and be left alone"
Bilbo and Frodo were perfectly in keeping with the status quo! The Lord of the Rings was secretly completely unremarkable. That kind of thing happens all the time in the Shire, yo.
Of course. The Hobbits get a +20% of finding magical artifacts and a +80% of resisting negative effects from them. It's all in the D&D 5th edition.

Quote :

As I looked upon the Shire I had a realization, "The Shire has a different energy about it," I yelled brightly.

Everyone seems to be making the switch to ethanol these days.

And the brightness of his yelling is because he changed all his regular lightbulbs for those swirly, energy-efficient ones.
Wait... yelling? Of all the things to yell...
especially since there wouldn't be any sort of different energy about the shire.
This is before Bilbos departure and Frodos inheritence of the ring.
Don't be silly, the different energy obviously has something to do with the new fusion reactor in town.

Quote :

" Herbert you're back," Bilbo Baggins yelled in his delightful voice."

Oh dear God, it sounds like he's into Bilbo too!
Poor, poor Bilbo.
Welp, time to get the Viagara out.
It must be an unknown side effect of The One Ring
The One Ring acts as a universal aphrodesiac?
"One ring to bring them"
"And in the darkness bind them"
Sex with the lights out. How traditional.
Sauron ain't one of those filthy exhibitionist camwhores.

Quote :

"I beamed, "Bilbo, I missed you so much," I jumped into his arms, because he is like my dad."

And instantly our discussion takes on a secondary disturbing tone.
... and so does his romance with Frodo.
Super Hobbit incest triangle GOOOOO!
And Alexander wept, for there were no more images worse than a 111-year-old Bilbo double-teaming his son with his other son.
Could be worse. They could be underage and it could be nonconsensual.
I suppose I can count my blessings.

Quote :

"Do you have the groceries," Dildo asked in a teacher sort of way.

Nothing I could say could possibly add to that.
Nope, it's perfect on its own.
Also confirms my sex theory.
also, in a basically Dark Ages setting, would one quest for 7 mounths for groceries?
I'm pretty sure you'd grow them yourself

Quote :

I remember quite a while ago, Bilbo ordered me to go out and get some fruit for our fridge at home.

Fridge?
That's short for Refridgerator, right?
No, it's short for Effridgery, an evil practise of the Orcs.
Ah. I never knew food preservation was a high priority for them.
It's got nothing to do with food.
It's much more heinous.
That sounds more like the Orcs I know.

Quote :

Now about a year later I was back with groceries and everything.

A YEAR? Fruit rots fairly quickly.
His exciting adventure that took him away from the Shire for so long was GETTING THE GROCERIES?
the entire trilogy only took about 23 months. Was Rivendell holding a sale or something?
Does every hobbit family have to send out one person to get the groceries?
Maybe one person gets groceries for the entire village.
How can not a single member of this rural community own a farm?
What the fuck does Farmer Maggot grow and why is it not edible?
Maybe Bilbo was jonesing for a Lembas fix.

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"Oh thank you, Herbert you've always been a go-getter," Bilbo gushed with father like love.

Sounds more like Sarcasm to me.
I think he's using "go-getter" in the same sense as "gofer"
He's their slave.

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I looked into the fridge and was shocked, " Bilbo needs to take care of himself it's been a year and no food?" I then wondered, "was he so sad without me he couldn't eat," I sighed with worry.

Digestion: It's really only a suggestion.
Yes, Dildo starved himself for an entire year JUST FOR YOU.
I refuse to make that comment sexual.
I could, but I won't.
I would dooo anythiiing for loooove, but I simply cannot do thaaat
Ew, he looked in an Orc's Effridgery? How vile!

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I walked into my bedroom it was decorated very well, you see I've always had a very artistic eye.

those Edward Cullen posters from Minas Hot Topic really match the drapes.

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In the end I chose a baby pink top with white pants, it really compliments my tan skin and flowing hair.

I'm sure he fit in perfectly with the people covered in dung.
I imagine a scene like that from the last verse of The Lumberjack Song.

Quote :

I then headed to the party the party was amazing it had loud music and everything.

I go to silent parties.
We sit on couches staring at one another.
It's fun.
I was wondering where the loud music comes from in a time before speakers and microphones.
They found a way.
Damn kids and your rock music.
Get off my lawn!
Back in MY day, we jammed to Howard Shore, and We LIKED IT!
Back in MY day, we didn't violate the chronology of the universe.

Quote :

Just then someone caught my eye he had, Curly short red hair and bright baby blue eyes. Once I saw him standing alone I knew what I had to do, approach the man!

Because that was ALL he had. He was just a pair of hairy eyeballs. I was fascinated.
Uh...I thought the Scream morality/mortality rule was that the ones having sex were the ones doomed to die.

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Hi there, I'm Herbert," I introduced in a friendly manner. "Oh hi, I'm Frodo," The cutie answered with an innocent smile.

Tee hee!
"It's not like we were both raised by the same man or anything. You're basically my step-brother, Herbert."
"Now let's have that threesome with Bilbo!"
and his weird brother, Dildo

End Chapter 1

Quote :

"Music Pumping,
Our bodies grinding,
Frodo takes my hand,
Looks at my chestnuts and.."

That sounds filthy
I think that was the intent.
I mean the chestnuts part.
again, intent
Hobbit rave!

Quote :

"Frodo…" Herbert said in a part moaning part sexy sort of voice. Frodo then gave me a look in a sort of way, that made me feel as if he would let me engage in intercourse with him.

And thus the one time a hobbit tried to pronounce a polysylabic word ended in tragedy.

Quote :

I then started to think of my father figure, Bilbo, so I decided to leave.

You know, I was mentally hoping it wouldn't get worse. It just got worse.
Bilbo gets him all hot and bothered.
Bless me little hobbit feet, Frodo.

Quote :

"Herbert, hello, having fun," Bilbo asked in his party voice. "Well yes," I answered in my shyest voice.

His party voice is what he calls it when he gets so outrageously drunk he can't walk any more. He had to come up with something to tell a five-year-old.
That explains so much.

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"Herbert?" I perked up automatically, "Yes papa." "Are you possibly horny," My dad (aka Bilbo) asked with a smile. I then looked down pants and then realized he was right, I in fact was horny. I then said quietly, "Papa knows best."

Aaaaaaand the fic just went below 4chan level bad.
I bet Herberts gaze is not the only thing that just went "down pants"
Bilbo is secretly a Catholic priest.

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Bilbo then giggled, "Well, you should go take care of that privately."

"But Biiiiilbo, if ole Mister Took catches me with his prize steer again, he said he'd castrate me."

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I then went inside the outhouse and took care of the huge situation downstairs.

Scat fetishism already?
"Note to self: fucking an outhouse shit hole is not the same thing as anal sex."
Of course, it could just mean that he took a dump.
I'm going to pretend he took a dump.
I envy your naiveity.

Quote :

Frodo then called out to me, " Herbert you should keep it down in there, are you having sex with someone in there?" I then pulled up my pants faster than you could say, "boner."

How on Earth did he manage to be so loud? You actually have to try to do that.
Maybe Frodo wants to catch him in the act?

Quote :

"Frodo what the eff are you doing," yelled a chubby man, I got worried because he was heading towards us."

Eff: the only swear word for the fancy chap.
I'm worried that this mysterious pudgy man may sit on our protagonists.
It's probably just Fatty Bolger up to his old tricks again. Y'know, having baths with four other male hobbits at the same time.
Okay so I warped that scene a little. Shut up.

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The man was a little over weight, but was very cute with a smile that reminds me of a cat, except I don't like him because I'm not a chubby chasing weirdo!

-sounds the Mal'ganis alarm-
I'm reminded of Enobys hatred of preps.
Except that Egogy would probably try to kill Herbert here.

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Frodo then gasped, " Sam it's not what you think."

No, it's much, much worse.
I guess Sam isn't just the Baggins Hoer, he's the Baggins Hoe.
Better go get uncle Dildo
Somehow, I think the books better without that particular piece of information.

Quote :

"I then looked Sam in the eyes, Sam was taken back a slight bit, because of my beauty and I'm used to that. He then just turned away and walked off."

Care-bear....STAAAAAARRREEEE

J.R.R. Tolkien wrote:

"fattish in the stomach, shortish in the leg. A round, jovial face; ... The feet from the ankles down, covered with red hairy fur."

SEXY
Oh, you know it.

Quote :

"He must've seen the innocence in you're eyes," Frodo informed me.

What did you say was on my face? OH GOD GET IT OUT.
My eyes are innocent. Can I be excused from this?
No.
Yes, mistress

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"Hey do you like Fireworks," Merry asked. "Well, yeah who doesn't," I replied with a slight bit of sass in my voice. Pippin then piped in, "They're a banging good time."

That's what she said?
Gandalf is about to get involved in the orgy too
A Wizard is never early. He Cums exactly when he needs to.

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It was too late thought they set off the fireworks, and it was big, really big, a super large dragon! I then shrieked, Merry and Pippin both grabbed me to make sure I was safe and didn't get hurt.

Even the tallie-tailer wants him. Are we sure this Herbert isn't a girl?
He dresses like a highschool girl, for sure.

Quote :

The dragon flew above me and flew faster than the speed of sound, and roared louder than a dragon! It was over quickly though because it was faster than the speed of sound remember?"

Psh that's not impressive. One time I saw a flying whale go faster than the speed of light while screaming louder than a volcano erupting!

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"Speech, Speech, Speech," People at the party were chanting, apparently papa Bilbo was going to talk on the stage (that's the definition of speech you know)."

ORLY?
No it's not.

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"But that was all thanks to the return of the man that is kind of like my son, Herbert,"

"He finally returned from his 7-month-long journey to get groceries. Big hand, everybody. "
Wow, he loves him deeply.
What, you don't?
Oh of course. I, like everyone else, would like to engage in fonication with him.

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""Well I have to go now," Bilbo mumbled then vanished into the sky which used to be clear about and hour ago, but now has turned into thick fog.

I read that as "thick frog" and it gave me a really odd mental image.
Gandalf, was one weird magic trick not enough?
Now Frogzilla shall consume our homes, our lands, and our fields.

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" it makes me smile thinking about how much everyone cares. However I ran bawling to my house,

Agh my neck!
Damn whiplash
You should have been wearing your tense seatbelt.

Quote :

My hands reached in my pocket and cluched my amulet of courage that my real dad gave me tightly.

Misplaced Modifier is misplaced.
Oh no, what have they done to Link?
And how big of an insult is that to Bilbo? Then again, Bilbo doesn't seem to care much for Herbert either.
The family survives on mutual hate.
Thrives on it
The family that hates together, stays together (in murder-suicide)

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"whenever your scared hold this and think of me and you will be granted courage."

... his dad was Link?
Well, he is pretty short in Windwaker....
And pretty deformed.
IT FITS

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I then inhaled the smell that the amulet held I could smell the courage on it,

It smells a little bit like Axe Body Spray
thought that was the smell of misogynist douchebag?
It's the kind of courage that this fic would use.

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not only that but the spirit of the real papa. It was burgundy and red and shaped like an acorn.

His father is shaped like an acorn? Deku link!
Or like a chestnut?
Ew

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Everything will be alright as long as I carry my father in my pocket I thought to my self.

Double ew.
until rotting sets in, that is
His dad must have been like a mini-mini-hobbit
End of Chapter 2

We may or may not snark the rest of this beast.

A Hobbit incest fic?!!

OH....DEAR...GOD. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Ashley Greenwood should be deported for desecrating LOTR that way.

Well, technically it's not actually incest since they were all adopted... but it's less fun that way (and it doesn't say how old they were when they were adopted so it could be equally creepy anyway).

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

(and it doesn't say how old they were when they were adopted so it could be equally creepy anyway).

This pile of Fell Beast crap wrote:

You see my parents died when I was 7, I was so sad and alone, that's when Bilbo took me in with open arms.

According to The Lord of the Rings wiki, Frodo was 12 when his parents died, about 21 when he was adopted by Bilbo, and was celebrating his 33rd birthday at the banquet in this story. 33 is apparently the minimum age that a hobbit can inherit land, leading me to believe that (barring true Word of God), it would be like 18 for us. Now if only we knew how old Herbert was or how long ago he was adopted...

The image of Ian Holm as Bilbo casually telling Herbert to go fap is simply priceless.

Also I'm getting vibes of "Screaming Harpy!Arwen" from Sam, why do I get the feeling that he's gonna be the jealous boyfriend who gets in the way of Herbert and Frodo's tru wub?

Great snark, guys!

Oh god what is this I don't even. Hobbit...incest? Who even wants to think about that, let alone write a whole fic? D:
I totally want Gandalf to show up in the middle of their orgy and be all "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS" *

Great snark, though...moar plz? c:


*I wanted to Google My Immortal to make sure I was quoting right, but iPod!Safari is full of fail.

ALL HOBBITS ARE FAT YOU MOVIE WATCHING MORON!!

*deep breath*

Great snark, you made me giggle enough to have my roommate come in and ask what I was doing.

Chapters three and four are done! Of course, now I'm seriously starting to worry over whether this is a trollfic.

Chapter 3
Skillet: This is where it gets freaky.
Just ponder that statement for a moment.
Doc: I refuse to turn that into a horrible pun.
I refuse.

Quote :

I skipped diligently into the shower, for some nice moments with myself. I slowly stripped and rubbed my abs, just to find out they were still big and hard.

Because that's what muscular men do, they check to make sure those muscles don't disappear overnight.
I know it's not the central image of that sentence but I'm trying to picture what skipping diligently would look like.
I'm still wondering how a pre-renaissance society got running water.
And now I'm picturing a six-pack of penises.
D:

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the water looked beautiful like a river as they flowed down my muscles.

Is he separating the water into its individual atoms or something?
Is the author confused by plural?
English be hard, yo.

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I threw my hair into the hot, yummy water, and poured shampoo that I got at Sephora on it.

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I looked into the mirror there was not a single pimple or blemish on my face,

Of course. Would we expect our perfect "Stu" to not be perfect?
No, there were many, many pimples and blemishes.
Not a single one.

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Many people tell me I'm beautiful and describe me as Fabio except younger and hotter.

Because Fabio is a time-traveler.
And a midget.
Who is Fabio, anyway?
He was on the covers of a lot of Harlequin romance novels.

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I was wearing a mint green tank top, with a white blazer, mint green scarf, white skinny jeans, and white dressy sneakers.

You go, Girlfriend!
Where the crap does he buy all this stuff? I can't imagine there's a lot of demand for it in Hobbitton.
There's a Hot Topic and Old Navy in Rivendell.
He must have brought them back with the groceries.
Of course, he'd be a prime target for bandits but then I'm sure he's a perfect fighter too.
That's why it took so long. The elves needed to cross-breed mint and cotton.
And invent tank tops.

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I opened the door to be greeted by Frodo's beautiful smile, to me Frodo's smile represents innocence and purity in every form of those words.

Hey, Herbert. I seem to have left my keys. Thanks for-
Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard."
He wants to fuck him while wearing his woman suit.
I'm going to be hit by someone for that.

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"Hey Herbert, um looking handsome," Frodo said while fidgeting and blushing.

You know, for a guy who's basically my brother....
Tee hee!

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I was happy this must mean Frodo appreciates my designer perfume.

Err...He said 'looking' handsome. Nothing was said of stench.
His designer perfume is dung. What else could you buy in Hobbitton?

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We walked down sunset blvd there were palm trees every where,

This makes that Bored of the Rings parody with its sheep-riders of Rohan look dignified...
He's going to end up upside-down in a pool while Herbert Swanson waits for his close-up

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we joined in a no on prop 8 protest,

because the actions of a completely different species in another world are important enough to protest?
Pretty sure Hobbitton doesn't have gay marriage either.
If anything, they haven't even considered it as a possibility.

Quote :

Frodo bought me a necklace, it was a diamond heart that had the words "LOVE" written on it. After a day of love and fun with Frodo we headed back to my house.

With what unit of currency?
Wait are they already together?
What does Dildo have to say about this?
"Unh, unh, unh, yeah. Keep at it, you two."
Fap fap fap

Quote :

" I agree a banging good time," Frodo nodded the nod of innocence.

You can't say that. You can't put an obvious double entendre in the mouth of a character and then call him "innocent"
You can if you can take Hobbits to Hollywood
I accept defeat.

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"You know what else would be a banging good time," I asked with a wink. Me and Frodo looked at each other within a second we were making out all hot and heavy.

NOM NOM INCEST
Fast incest, too.
They just meant what? Yesterday evening?

Quote :

I took off my shirt and Frodo was shocked, " Those are the hottest abs ever!!!"

"Seriously, are you running a fever, bro?"
"But why do they look like penises?"

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I grinned and took off his shirt, his stomach was flat, but didn't have abs, however his body seemed to sparkle and produce innocence in it's finest form.

JESUS CHRIST HE'S A VAMPIRE
Oh SHI-

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Right when I was about to go in his butt there were knocks on the door, "Herbert, Oh Herbeeeert," It was Merry and Pippin they were peeping through the windows and saw Frodo bending over. "Hurry Pippin look," Merry yelled as he was poking Pippin! "Gee willikers," Pippin yelled and pointed."

Gadzooks!
's wounds!
Do they have problems with incest yet?

Quote :

"Herbert we saw you and Frodo in the window," Merry yelled, "yeah," Pippin piped in. " Guess what were telling Sam on you," Pippin piped in again!

No, I think their problem is with Frodo cheating on the gardener.
It's like a bunch of kids.
Which makes the sex even more disturbing.

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"It's not what you think you guys," I explained in a non sexy manner to avoid suspicion.

Because you can totally convince people that nothing was about to take place between two half-naked halflings by talking in a "non sexy manner"?
I doubt that anything he does isn't sexual on some level. He's almost a sex predator.

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No, Frodo told me he could touch his toes, so I told him to prove it," I answered with a finger and head wag. There was a silence it seemed like everyone bought it.

Because their nudity is not suspicious.
Totally. I show off that I can touch my toes while starkers all the time.
Well the Greeks did their exercise naked all the time
Except the Greeks didn't exist here.
Or they won't for thousands of years.
I forget how that goes.

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Wow, Herbert you have a 200 dollar rhinestoned thong in here," Frodo yelled in amazement.

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I drive these brothers crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They buy me all these ices.
Dolce & Gabbana,
Fendi and NaDonna
Karan, they be sharin'
All their money got me wearin' fly

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)

Sorry

Quote :

Pippin busted in and inspected the thong, "This is the nicest thong I've seen in my life!"

Not to mention the ONLY thong he is likely to see in his life.
Where the fuck do you buy thongs?
Ironically, the loin-cloth was one of histories earliest garments, and (depending on rear coverage) a loincloth could fit the modern nomenclature of a thong.
Of course, it goes without saying that rhinestones were never a fashion accessory for them.
Also they're not sexy.
Of course I don't think thongs are sexy either but that's beside the point.

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"I then was excited Herbert loves a good party."

\_/.
The silent parties?
Of course.
We'll play blank CDs and it'll be totally rocking.

Quote :

"I'm still going to tell Sam on you," Pippin whispered in my ear.
I pulled Pippin aside, "No you can't!"
"I wont if you play naked Twister with me too," Pippin giggled with an impish smile.
I pushed Pippin, "No you stupid, frikken, no-good, pervert." I was raging with anger and Pippin shrugged.

They really do sound like little kids...
He was raging with anger.
I rage with contemplation.

Quote :

"You cant erase your naked body from my memory though," Pippin said with a wink.
I yelled, "YOU BETTER ERASE IT RIGHT NOW!" Everyone in the party glared at Pippin, "What did Herbert ever do to you Pippin," A party goer questioned/yelled.

HOW'D IT GET BURNED?

I love how the crowd immediatly assumes Pippin is at fault. Classic Sue trait

Quote :

Frodo was going into a house with an old man, with a squiggly long beard, and raggedy clothes that weren't designer.

Our introduction to Gandalf, ladies and gentlemen
Is his beard made of snakes or something?
Or worms?
Worms are what I associate squiggle with
Does it, like, matter? All you need to know is that he is U-G-L-Y Uuuuhguly.
U-G-L-Y
You ain't got no alibi
You ugly!
Personally, I'd call being over 2000 years old a fairly good alibai, but what do I know?

Quote :

"Oh so he can't go all the way with me, but he can go all the way with a grandpa," I started talking to myself.

Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it.
Once you go old, it'll never get...old?
Yeah, I got nothing.
Seeing how Gandalf's body is immortal and he was fashioned exactly as he is now, for all you know under those robes he could be smokin'.
But he isn't because Sir McKellen is, like, a total prune, doncha' know?

Quote :

"You almost went all the way with Frodo," a angry man voice yelled from behind me. I turned around, IT WAS-

DUMBELYDOOR!
(No, it's really Sam)
I wouldn't be surprised if Dumbledore showed up here.
No, but for now, he does not

Quote :

I ran into my house, because Frodo broke my heart. I changed into my nicest silk pajamas and slipped into bed with a frown on my face and my heart.

You should get that looked at.
....because he saw Frodo go inside his house with an old man?
There is obviously only one reason to go into a house with someone

So it turns out that Frodo ups and leaves (Obviously, this is the start of the main plot of Fellowship..., but here it's a source of heartbreak because Frodo *gasp* didn't say goodbye.
end of Chapter 3
Chapter 4

Quote :

that night,
When I tried to stick it in, you put up a fight,

..Uh, It was only the arrival of Merry & Pippin that stoped hanky-panky
"stick it in" is such a romantic phrase
Just a step below "jam it in" in terms of romanticism.
Presumably, it's to allow easy rhyming.

Quote :

You slept with the elderly,
Elderly instead of me,

It was for my community service hours!

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It cant be true after all Frodo and I have been through how can he just leave like this?

Yeah, we spent a whole day hanging out together in the far future.
For all you know they survived the six thousand years between then and when Hollywood existed and then time travelled backwards!
That'd be a long seduction.
Well, since Herbert is a vampire, he'd live that long.

Quote :

I sighed again except this time I felt dizzy like I was going to faint at the thought of no more Frodo

It's like New Moon, only gay, and in the background of one of histories greatest epics.
Also - dare I say it? - stupider
I hope he'll start hallucinating Frodos who tell him to kill himself.
Also, the fanbrat seems to think that Frodo left to destroy the ring very shortly after the party.
In the book, 17 years pass.
If it takes forever, I will wait for you
For a thousand summers, I will wait for you
'Till you're back beside me, 'till I'm holding you
'Till I hear you sigh, here in my arms

Quote :

Because I was sad I went in front of the sink and splashed water all over my face

He should have tried to do it from behind the sink. I'd like to see him smash his head into a wall.
Indeed. It could only have been an improvement.

Quote :

I looked in the mirror and the water drops were going down my face all sexy like.

Everything he does is sexy. EVERYTHING.
Of course
He's like Al Green or Barry White on viagara.

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my hair was curled and I looked great, but depressed.

Herbert always looks great.
Just you wait, He'll wander weaponless to Rivendell and still end up there smelling like rose.
No, he smells like dung, remember?
Still, he'll look really darn pretty despite being half-starved and nearly killed by spiders

Quote :

"Looking for Frodo Herbert," An kind voice said with a slight bit of scragegle.

Scragegle?
Oh no they've merged!
Run!
It's the Blob!
We are the Borggit. Lower your swords and surrendor your oliphants. We will add your unique magical artifacts to our own.

Quote :

I turned around, IT WAS THE MAN FRODO HAD SEX WITH!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT
Bullshit. Gandalf left before Frodo to get to Rivendell.
No, he tried to meet Frodo in Bree
And missed him
And met him in - okay you win
WELL PLAYED, SIR
MUHAHAHA

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"YOU, how dare you ask me that," I snapped in my sassiest voice.

Am I the only person thinking of Cartman saying that?
I pictured a gay stereotype, complete with finger snap.

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"Thy seem to be upset and Im not quite sure why thou are mad at moi," The man said in an understanding mythical voice.

I can't stop laughing! It's Voldemort!
and he's meeting with a Vampire.

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He seemed shocked, " The sense has been knocked out of you!"

"And I'm also sensing massive amounts of Bishōnen energy and Sue particles."
Yeah, it happened when he was a child.

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"Oh yeah how bout I have guts knocked out of you" I yelled in a come and get me sort of voice.

Oh yes, that'll scare one of the most powerful beings in the world.
I immidiately think of that scene in Kung Pow where he punches straight through a guy.
That was a stupid movie.
Smarter than this fanfiction, though.

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I then pounced the man with every muscle in my body (in a fighting way not sex sort of way).

Suuuuuuure
So when does he turn into a pile of ash?
That'd be a nice end to the story.
Indeed

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My chestnut eyes were turning green (they often do when Im angry), my strength grew immense and I threw him to the northern section of the Shire.

BISHIE-HULK SMASH!
Are you sure he didn't fly there himself? I mean, Gandalf is the one with the magic, here.
He was probably just running away.

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The man though, had super speed he ran up to me in less than a second.

Gandalf is the Flash, and Herbert is the Hulk in the Marvel/DC crossover they don't talk about.
It's like the Matrix!
Only even worse than the third movie

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"Shugumagalonguria," he shouted a spell that put him in a shield bubble.

This is Gandalf.
Goo goo ga joob!
I was secretly upset he hadn't screwed up and rolled a 1351 on his magical blunder.
but you did screw up
You screwed up your reference.
Oh wait you're going for FATAL instead of D&D. Carry on.

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"I remained silent I didn't have anything to say to a man stealer."

uh....weren't you trying to steal Frodo from Sam?
He still doesn't have the slightest bit of confirmation that they slept together.

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The man then continued, "You don't have to say anything I can read minds so I already know what's wrong, the name's Gandalf."

Gandalf, why are you putting up with this twit?
Why isn't he using "thee" and "thou" any more?

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I demanded in an angry homo sort of way.

Because an angry "homo" sounds different to a regular angry person...
It does if it's a living stereotype.

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Out in the distance I heard a familiar sound the sound I love, heavy bass and auto tune!

He sounds like auto tune?

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'they were playing my song, it was about sex.'

Of course. Would a song about Herbert have any other themes?
"It was 'My Humps'"

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The entire song though I couldn't stop inserting Frodo's name in the song, the song was about sex you know.

I don't believe you.

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Everyone stared at me as I thought of Frodo and thinking of being with him.
"NOOOOO," Gandalf ran up on stage and jumped on top of me right as I teleported out of the Shire.

BAMF!
I'm having more My Immortal flashbacks

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Merry started to cry, " Without Herbert why would we throw great parties like this, we wouldn't!"
Pippin piped in, " There is no reason to celebrate anymore the life of the party… is gone."

Is this a decontstruction of how Mary Sues dominate the social life of those around them?
Or is it just a Mary Sue dominating the social life of those around her?
Herbert isn't a woman. It's okay, I forget too sometimes.
Men do not wear *sniff* Rhinestone thongs.
nor would they spend $200 on a single pair of underwear unless it dispensed candy.
*sigh* I wish I could say that about my gender.
End Chapter 4

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Of course, it goes without saying that rhinestones were never a fashion accessory for them.
Also they're not sexy.

Pssh, says you.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Quote :

Of course, it goes without saying that rhinestones were never a fashion accessory for them.
Also they're not sexy.

Pssh, says you.

I stand by that statement. Rhinestones are cheap and gaudy, especially when something is covered in them.

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Quote :

Of course, it goes without saying that rhinestones were never a fashion accessory for them.
Also they're not sexy.

Pssh, says you.

I stand by that statement. Rhinestones are cheap and gaudy, especially when something is covered in them.

I was talking about loincloths, not rhinestones. Like, duh.