Why God, Why?


 
HomeHome  FAQFAQ  RegisterRegister  Log in  

Share | 
 

 Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Cunovendus
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2011-01-11

PostSubject: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   Wed Feb 19, 2014 6:09 pm

We haven't had one of these for a while...a story where teenage girls fall into Middle Earth, only this one is based on The Hobbit. This is "I Thought I Lost You". (technically it should be "I thought I'd lost you" but...we'll see)

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Quote :
"Attention ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. We are now passing over the Bermuda Triangle, it may get a little bumpy so if you could all be so kind to put your seatbelts on, turn off your electrical devices and remain seated until further notice. Thank you."

Okay, that's a new one. We've had car crashes, suicides, and being sucked into a TV screen, but I don't think we've had people end up in Middle Earth by flying over the Bermuda Triangle! Now we know where all of those ships that mysteriously disappeared went...

Quote :
Her friends couldn't answer, the plane had suddenly dropped. Amy, Shania and Kate all held onto each other, the girls held the two young boys together in the middle of them. Everyone on the plane was screaming as the plane fell faster and faster.

Considering the rate at which the plane suddenly fell out of the sky, and the fact that the Bermuda Triangle is a well known phenomenon, the pilot was surprisingly blase about the fact that they were about to fly into it.

Quote :
The three girls and two boys screamed has they fell through the trees, finally landing on the ground with a loud thump. Surprisingly, no one was severely injured.

It's okay, they only fell, like, 20,000 feet!! That's not usually enough to kill you...

Quote :
"Me? Your the one who booked the tickets so don't go blaming me!"

Her "the one" booked the tickets? I had no idea she was related to Neo...

Quote :
They all got up, Brody was picked up by James, who was the first to realize the change in their clothing.

The bamfing process now gives you a free change of attire?? It seems they've updated the system since the early days of the teenage Legomances. Or maybe that's an effect of the Bermuda Triangle.

Quote :
She felt her hair and found out it was a few inches longer, it now reached her waist.

And free hair growth as well!! Why was that important? Why didn't the author just make the character have waist length hair to start with?

Quote :
Amy was wearing a red shirt, black trousers and dark brown boots. She had a medium brown cloak, draped around her shoulders. Her almond brown hair had been left down, the hair on the side of her face was brought back and tied with a clasp. She also carried a sword, many throwing daggers and a couple boot knives.

Of course, what they get isn't standard woman's clothing, but men's clothing. Weapons too! It's as if they've arrived dressed for battle! This new bamfing technology is incredible.

Quote :
Shania wore brown trousers, on top a dark leather corset with a forest green shirt underneath.

I'd just like to point out that wearing a corset when engaging in any physical activity is a very bad idea.

Quote :
James was wearing brown boots with black trousers and a light brown shirt with a darker jerkin on top.

I'm impressed! The author actually knows what a jerkin is! (btw yes, she describes the outfits of each of the 5 characters. Because we have to know what each one of them is wearing, even though it is never referred to again!)

Quote :
"Right, hand the weapons over," Kate held out both her hands so she could take the brothers weapons.

I love how this is her main priority, and not "wtf? Howcome we're all armed to the teeth all of a sudden?".

Quote :
"Thank you for your help," Shania smiled to the small boy, who she learnt was a hobbit child.

The story seems to have skipped a bit here...apparently she just asked somebody for directions, but the author didn't feel it necessary to include that bit. This sentence begins a new paragraph, which doesn't state who the person was or how the group came across him. We're supposed to just know.

Quote :
"Well, we are in someplace called the Shire. Apparently we are dwarves and he was a hobbit," Shania answered, this caused Kate to stumble backwards.

Wait, what? They've become dwarves now?? Well, I suppose it makes a change from the usual transformation to elves, but...come on! Why is a transformation always necessary? (also, aren't female dwarves supposed to be alike in appearance to male dwarves, according to Gimli in the New Line Cinema version of The Two Towers? Wink)

Quote :
She fell unconscious, her head lolling back. Amy shook her, trying to wake her, it was no use.

"What's happened to her?" Brody asked, worry filled his increasing thick voice.

"She so badly wanted to be an elf," said Amy, holding up the undigested red pill.

Quote :
Once they reached the top, their friend was standing by the front door of one of the hobbit's homes, talking to a brown haired hobbit.

Anyone want to take a wild stab in the dark whose house this could possibly be?

Quote :
"Well, it's nice to meet you. I'm Bilbo Baggins," The hobbit introduced himself, then smiled at the two children, "And who might these handsome young lads be?"

A group of dwarves, all armed to the teeth, randomly knock on his door, and he invites them in without a care?

Anyway, the rest of the dwarves arrive, along with Gandalf.

Quote :
"Your nephews told me all about you," Gandalf answered her first question, she raised an eyebrow at her nephews, "And we are discussing an important question which you, and your friends, will be joining us on."

So Gandalf is now willing to invite a bunch of complete strangers along on this quest? This would be the same logic that Elrond usually uses to allow the tenth walker to join the Fellowship of Nine... "strange women, mysterious origin, don't know them from Adam...of course they can join the secret quest!"

Quote :
Kate sighed in defeat, "Alright, we'll come. But if a single hair on either one of my nephews head is harmed, I'll have your head Gandalf."

She didn't take much persuading. I'd also like to add that some of them are infants...is Gandalf really going to put an infant in harm's way just for the luls? (on a side note, she does actually use 'your' properly here!)

Quote :
"Oh, come now, they have no where else to go," Gandalf reasoned, "It will also to this company some good to have them with us. Unless of course you want to carry on as a company of thirteen."

Wait, what? What happened to Bilbo being part of the company?? In fact, Bilbo seems suspiciously absent in this scene.

Quote :
I think the wizard is right. We can't leave them with no where to go, they a children with them, our kin at that," And older, white haired dwarf advised Thorin.

They a children with them? Dear me, that is a problem. This means that you can't possibly leave them in the Shire, where it's safe, and must take them into mortal peril instead!

Quote :
Once their laughter ceased, they signed the contracts that Balin handed to them.

Should I ask if they bothered to read them first? I'd have thought the whole "travelling into mortal peril" thing might put some of the girls off, considering they a children with them.

Quote :
She breathed in deeply, closing her eyes, thinking of the last song she had listened to. Soon, the lyrics began to leave her lips.

Notice me, take my hand,
Why are we, strangers when,
Our love is strong,
Why carry on without me?

Apparently this song is "Everytime" by "Britney Spears"......oh dear. I'd actually have preferred it if it was Evanescence!

Quote :
"You have a beautiful voice," She jumped, her cheeks turning a crimson red.

"T-thank you," Kate stuttered, avoiding his gaze.

Here we go...the Thorimance. At least now we know why they've all turned into dwarves (who have elf hair and wear corsets).

Quote :
"I read your contract," He told her, a smirk twitched her lips having remembered what she'd wrote.

Uh...when did this happen? I seem to remember them simply signing the contracts given to them by Balin, I don't remember them adding anything which was subsequently counter-signed!

Quote :
"You fear for their safety."

"Even in the most safest places, yes," Kate sighed, padding over to the leader.

You probably shouldn't be taking them on this dangerous quest then.

Quote :
"I suppose so, Amy and Shania were talking about something called a plane and an airport," Thorin's brow furrowed as he tried to remember what they had said.

And this didn't strike you as at all odd?

That pretty much concludes chapter 1. There are only two chapters so far, so I might as well do the whole thing...

Quote :
"Right, I need answers," Kate demanded.

"What would you like to know?" Shania asked, in mock enthusiasm.

"Why does everyone look like those fictional characters from The Hobbit?"

Only now does the penny drop?? The hobbit holes, the wizard, the fact that you're now dwarves, the random weapons, etc didn't tip you off at all?

Quote :
"And why did Balin say that we are their kin? We aren't dwarves, are we?"

"Ahah, about that," Amy chuckled sheepishly, "According to them lot out there, we are dwarves...well the lads anyway, we aren't because we have no beards and all that. Kili and Fili decided to nickname us the Stunted Ladies."

Wait, now I'm confused...are they dwarves, or aren't they? I'm going to take a leap of logic here and assume that the author wants them to be like dwarves, but not actually traditional dwarves, so they're probably some special breed of dwarves who are crossed with elves, to be especially beautiful dwarves, or sth...maybe these dwarves are the product of Kili and Tauriel getting it on in the third film!

Quote :
"But it doesn't make sense, I wasn't tired. The last thing I remember before I collapsed was a sharp pain in my head, almost like the pain you get when someone knocks you out with a rock or something similar, but I wasn't knocked out."

"No, no it doesn't," He murmured, "Though I know someone who may be able to answer your question."

"Really? Who?"

"Lord Elrond of Rivendell."

Of course, we need an excuse to visit an elf noble. Something tells me he's not going to be very interested in such a trifling matter as a dwarf girl fainting. Maybe she just fainted, and that's all there is to it! No wait, let me guess...whatever caused her to faint will at some point require her and Thorin to get it on. That's usually how these things work.

Quote :
"You might want to watch your language as well, lass," Dwalin advised, picking up James.

"Please, he wouldn't hurt me," She smirked, "Unless he wants those two monsters on her case."

Yeah, I love how everybody speaks English, and knows the f-bomb well, despite the fact that no character in the literature ever used it.

Quote :
"You got yourself a deal!" Shania smirked, winking at Amy, knowing that she would win this be, having seen the first two movie from The Hobbit trilogy.

Of course, only the films. Never the book.

Anyway, Bilbo does turn up after all, despite the fact that he wasn't with them at the meeting, so at least he hasn't been replaced. But this story doesn't explain how he came to that decision, or even touch upon the conflict that he had when making this decision.

Quote :
"Are you glad he came?" Kate asked, resting against Thorin's chest.

"No," He answered, his tone of voice clearly telling her he didn't want to talk, but she ignored it.

"Why?"

"He is useless to this company," He answered, sighing heavily, knowing she wasn't going to stop talking.

He feels that way about Bilbo, but is okay with a bunch of strangers, and children, who are even more of a liability?

Quote :
"I can protect the hobbit...did you just call them useless?!"

Thorin froze for a moment, choosing his next words carefully, if he could find any.

Why do people always freeze when a woman challenges their words? Thorin doesn't strike me as the type who'd be afraid of a stern rebuke from a young woman.

Quote :
"Don't you dare tell me what to do," Thorin growled, warningly.

"Why not? You offend my nephews, my family, my kin!" She questioned, "Tell me, what would you do if I offended Fili, Kili, Dis or how about Frerin?"

"Silence!" Thorin barked, "I have just about had enough of you!"

So he goes from being lost for words to madly angry...that's Thorin in love, apparently.

So the dwarves and the un-dwarf-like dwarves stop to camp, Thorin and Kate have the predictable make-up conversation, the children behave like children (which totally doesn't endanger a mission that relies on stealth in any way), and Gandalf is totally okay with all of this.[/quote]

By the by, what happened to everyone else on that plane??[/quote]


Last edited by Cunovendus on Thu Feb 20, 2014 3:08 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
Chris91
Knight of the Bleach
Knight of the Bleach
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 50
Location : Salem, Mass., USA

PostSubject: Re: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   Wed Feb 19, 2014 7:58 pm

They probably ran away to a better fanfic.  Wink 
Back to top Go down
Cunovendus
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2011-01-11

PostSubject: Re: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   Thu Feb 20, 2014 3:11 am

Chris91 wrote:
They probably ran away to a better fanfic.  Wink 

I can see it now... "No! I'll die before I bamf into Middle Earth and become a Mary Sue love interest!"
Back to top Go down
Kakashifan727
Sporkbender
Sporkbender


Join date : 2012-10-15

PostSubject: Re: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   Thu Feb 20, 2014 9:51 am

Dammit, first Legolas now Thorin...seems like The Hobbit movies have brought back all those fangirls from the 90s, only worse.
Back to top Go down
theromangeneral

avatar

Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 37

PostSubject: Re: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   Thu Feb 20, 2014 7:53 pm

Kakashifan727 wrote:
Dammit, first Legolas now Thorin...seems like The Hobbit movies have brought back all those fangirls from the 90s, only worse.
Just wait for the screams of those who haven't read the book (which, no surprise, seems to be a good chunk of the badfic authors) when they get to the end of movie 3 and the pretty dwarves die.
Back to top Go down
bleachedblackcat
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11

PostSubject: Re: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   Sun Mar 30, 2014 11:10 pm

No, no don't you know anything? The sexy dwarves will be saved by TRU WUV! And no scars or anything plus the ring will be totally destroyed or just wait around forever not doing anything because it'd get in the way of having babies and being happy!
Back to top Go down
Jay/Cris
The Word Police
The Word Police
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 29
Location : A´dam.

PostSubject: Re: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   Mon Mar 31, 2014 5:49 am

Cunovendus wrote:
Chris91 wrote:
They probably ran away to a better fanfic.  Wink 

 I can see it now... "No! I'll die before I bamf into Middle Earth and become a Mary Sue love interest!"

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Back to top Go down
http://www.crisiks.livejournal.com
Harley Quinn hyenaholic
Knight of the Bleach
Knight of the Bleach
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-12
Age : 32
Location : Taking that picture...

PostSubject: Re: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   Mon Mar 31, 2014 11:51 am

Oh, this is DELIGHTFUL.

Don't they know that half the fun of bamfing is turning up in clothes that don't suit you?

Why, last time I bamfed, my character fell humourously through a tree and lost half of her clothes, saving us ALL some trouble!

Then again, that was the Sonic universe, and clothes in that universe are kind of on the optional side.
Back to top Go down
https://www.fanfiction.net/~breechloader
Chris91
Knight of the Bleach
Knight of the Bleach
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 50
Location : Salem, Mass., USA

PostSubject: Re: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   Mon Mar 31, 2014 6:07 pm

Harley Quinn hyenaholic wrote:
Oh, this is DELIGHTFUL.

Yeah, isn't it though?  Rolling Eyes 

All kidding aside, every time one of these train wrecks hits the web I keep wondering why Tolkien's estate doesn't (pardon the pun)sue the authors on emotional distress grounds. I mean, to anybody who loves or even likes the Middle Earth saga, these Suefics are a loud and blatant "screw you".
Back to top Go down
Nerdanel
Sporkbender
Sporkbender


Join date : 2013-11-25

PostSubject: Re: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   Tue Apr 01, 2014 4:26 am

It's delightful that the author has to invent her own (female only?) race in order to romance Thorin. I haven't seen that before in Tolkien fanfic.
Back to top Go down
Chris91
Knight of the Bleach
Knight of the Bleach
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 50
Location : Salem, Mass., USA

PostSubject: Re: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   Tue Apr 01, 2014 8:40 am

And pray you never see it again.  pale 
Back to top Go down
Cunovendus
Sporkbender
Sporkbender
avatar

Join date : 2011-01-11

PostSubject: Re: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   Tue Apr 01, 2014 9:47 am

Nerdanel wrote:
It's delightful that the author has to invent her own (female only?) race in order to romance Thorin. I haven't seen that before in Tolkien fanfic.

Well, you have to be a dwarf to romance a dwarf (actually, according to the last film, you don't!! Rolling Eyes ), but we can't have the characters not being beautiful, and dwarf women are, according to Gimli in the film, "so alike in appearance that they're often mistaken for dwarf men!", so the only way to have a Thorimance and still be beautiful is to create a new race of not-quite-dwarves.
Back to top Go down
bleachedblackcat
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
Armbiter of Good Fanfiction
avatar

Join date : 2009-06-11

PostSubject: Re: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   Tue Apr 01, 2014 4:40 pm

Cunovendus wrote:
Nerdanel wrote:
It's delightful that the author has to invent her own (female only?) race in order to romance Thorin. I haven't seen that before in Tolkien fanfic.

Well, you have to be a dwarf to romance a dwarf (actually, according to the last film, you don't!! Rolling Eyes), but we can't have the characters not being beautiful, and dwarf women are, according to Gimli in the film, "so alike in appearance that they're often mistaken for dwarf men!", so the only way to have a Thorimance and still be beautiful is to create a new race of not-quite-dwarves.

You also see a couple of the women in the first Hobbit film. They're not ugly, but I guess that a little bit of face hair is totally icky?
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!   

Back to top Go down
 
Bamfing into Middle Earth - Hobbit style!!
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Open World Roleplay - MMO Style RP
» Large Oriental Style Planter
» Generalizing Mordheim! (RPG-style)
» Scottish Style Awards - Oct 31
» Unmarked stoneware footed bowl - Lucie Rie style

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Why God, Why? :: The Sporking Table :: New Releases-
Jump to: