Like I mentioned, I was going through my files today. After posting the Calvin and Hobbes snark, I was flabbergasted to find a pair of fully-MiSTed fics from when I was actually a competent teenager, instead of a fangirlish tweenie. I have little to no memory of doing either of them, and I know I've never posted them anywhere before, despite being a member of GAFF at the time. It seems a shame to let them go to waste, so I formatted the shorter one for use here, stopping to add a Twilight joke along the way because it was begging for it. If it proves amusing, I'll do the other. If not...well, life is just a bag of cocks, isn't it?
My MiSTies are all OCs, which is obnoxious, I know. However, they can all be summed up in two words each for the purposes of this snark, so it shouldn't be that bad. Here's the rundown:
Sadie: A girlcat
Aster: A cyborg
Will: A zombie
Clive: A pervert
...and even that's more than you need to know, really.
Enjoy, kids, and tell me if I'm being utterly presumptuous and should STFU GTFO and DIAF, in that order.She Never Was - Quote :
- And her breath is caught in her throat,
CLIVE: Huh?
- Quote :
- and her body is weak and unstable,
SADIE: Geez, give us a chance to sit down--
- Quote :
- and her eyes are wide and disbelieving,
WILL: You know, you're not supposed to start a
sentence with a conjunction, much less a fanfic.
ASTER: I'd prefer it hadn't started at all.
- Quote :
- and her voice has closed off and nothing comes out of her gaping mouth.
CLIVE: Good. Keep it that way.
- Quote :
- She stands at the door, holding onto the frame with all the strength she can manage.
ASTER: The player runs inside to rescue the child, six minutes counting down, cursing as he has to leave the Pearl Rod behind to save the brat's life...
SADIE: This isn't Final Fantasy VI, Aster.
ASTER: How do you know?
SADIE: I know because I am NOT going to try to fathom Sabin getting a sex change.
ASTER: But--
SADIE: NO.
ASTER: Aw...
- Quote :
- Her hand is becoming red from the pressure, and a wooden splinter on the door is beginning to cut into her skin, and her hand bled,
SADIE: Great, we've stepped through the looking glass.
CLIVE: More like "been thrown bodily into".
- Quote :
- but she didn't care because this doorframe was solid.
CLIVE: Until the game designer starts messing with her.
ASTER: (programmer) >Move Event...: Doorframe , Strt SlipTro
SADIE: (Tifa) *schlorbTHUNK* OW!
- Quote :
- Solid, and had always been there, and was stable, and was not back from the dead.
CLIVE: (darkly) Or so she
thinks.
WILL: (doorframe) *sinister laughter*
- Quote :
- Her large brown eyes begin to tear.
SADIE: In half.
WILL: That's not funny.
- Quote :
- She drops the shopping bag she was holding, and she makes a strangle sound, a sound that comes deep from within her throat
ASTER: She's garroting herself from the inside out!
WILL: That's not funny either.
- Quote :
- and it settles in Scarlet's ears like lead.
CLIVE: Molten lead.
WILL: That also fails to be funny.
CLIVE: Are you ever going to explain exactly how you're still alive?
WILL: Technically, I'm not.
CLIVE: That works.
- Quote :
- Scarlet merely laughs.
(the MiSTies wince as the "KYA HA HA" echoes around the theater, setting off the alarms briefly)
- Quote :
- Her face was scarred. One eye was gone, and Scarlet hadn't bothered to cover it up. Skin hung around the empty socket,
CLIVE: ...smoking, making out, drinking...
ASTER: Danged punk epidermis.
- Quote :
- useless and dried up and horrifying.
SADIE: Jerry Falwell?
- Quote :
- There is a large burn on her chest,
CLIVE: (leans forward immediately)
- Quote :
- the skin forever blackened and blistered.
CLIVE: (falling back) AUGH!
SADIE: No polygonical boobies for Clive. So very sad.
ASTER: Y'know, it wouldn't be "forever" blackened and blistered if she stopped keeping her Zippo in her front pocket...
- Quote :
- Her right arm has been amputated.
SADIE: Empty eye socket...amputation...are we absolutely
sure this isn't a lemon?
WILL: Haven't I told you to stay out of Portal of Evil?
- Quote :
- Her hair looked as if it was self-cut with a knife and without a mirror.
WILL: And
what, may I ask, is wrong with that?
ASTER: So much finally becomes clear…
- Quote :
- The longest strand came down to her chin.
SADIE: For a cup of sugar?
- Quote :
- She still wore a small, tight, erotic red dress.
WILL: Nice try, but it just isn't working for you anymore, what with the horrible scarring. Nobody would be desperate enough...to... (lifts a foot, looking down)
CLIVE: (continues to drool)
SADIE: (hits him over the head) Get a room or get a mop.
WILL: (getting up) What a lovely night for locking doors and huddling in the corner with a baseball bat. I think I'll just be on my merry way--
SADIE: (catches his collar) Sit.
- Quote :
- There is fresh blood trickling down her thigh.
SADIE: Oh, look, it's every STD known to man. Wave!
- Quote :
- She was spread on a couch,
CLIVE: Yeah, I'm partial to couches spread with women--
SADIE: Clive.
CLIVE: --for breakfast, you know--
SADIE: Clive.
CLIVE: --or a midnight snack.
ASTER: (looking over at Sadie) You're kinda slow today.
SADIE: It's Scarlet.
ASTER: (facing forward) Truth.
- Quote :
- one leg straight, the other bent and leaning against the backing. Her one arm was tracing a pattern on the floor,
ASTER: (Tifa) Uh, you don't want to do that--that's where Nanaki--hairball--oh, never mind...
- Quote :
- her lips were pursed and adorned with bright red lipstick.
She reminded Tifa of a succubus,
CLIVE: With heavy emphasis on the "suck".
- Quote :
- who, once beautiful and the queen of her kind, had been destroyed and denounced.
SADIE: Hm, must've happened right before the game started.
- Quote :
- Yet, in denial of this fact, she continued to act as she did before, turning what would have been a man’s blissful dream into nothing but a nightmare.
ASTER: Just like what the Compilation did to Final Fantasy VII.
- Quote :
- Scarlet looks at Tifa, her lone eye filled with obsession and anger and insanity.
WILL: Jeez, if she blinks that thing'll blow halfway across the room.
- Quote :
- She curls her lips upward into a twisted smile, and she says "Surprised?"
SADIE: (Tifa) This is the worst birthday present EVER.
CLIVE: Aw, but everyone wants their very own Chia Scarlet!
- Quote :
- Her voice is low, raspy, hoarse, and injured.
ASTER: (author) And blue and large and squishy...aw, who am I kidding? I'll never fit all of the adjectives in the world into one sentence.
- Quote :
- Tifa swallows hard,
CLIVE: She always did look the type--
SADIE: *whack*
- Quote :
- and says nothing.
Scarlet chuckles, and it sounds strangled and strange.
ASTER: And ANNOYING.
- Quote :
- "I don't die so easy."
CLIVE: That's the only thing about her that isn't ea--
SADIE: *WHACK*
- Quote :
- She begins to unfold herself from her current position, and ends up sitting upward
WILL: "Sitting upward"?
CLIVE: My cat does that when I pet it.
- Quote :
- with one leg folded over the other and her one arm spread across the back of the couch. She moves slowly, fluidly, cat-like.
CLIVE: See?
- Quote :
- Tifa takes a step backwards.
Taking another step away from Scarlet,
WILL: Two steps backwards, then. Did we really need a paragraph for that?
- Quote :
- Tifa manages to say "How?"
CLIVE: She can't believe it's not butter.
- Quote :
- Scarlet shakes her head, smiling cruelly. "Luck. Luck,
ASTER: She's turned into a chicken with a speech impediment!
- Quote :
- I’m sure. It’s always luck, isn’t it? I'm one hell of a lucky bitch, aren't I?"
ASTER: Okay, okay, you got a twenty on your saving throw, stop bragging about it!
- Quote :
- She leaned forward, slightly. "It's great, right? Me being alive." She stood up, and took a step towards Tifa. "I can walk. I can talk. I can breath and I can smile and . . ."
She reached behind her, and there was suddenly a dagger in her hand.
ALL: Huzzah!
CLIVE: Now turn it into a white tiger.
- Quote :
- Tifa gasped, quietly.
"I can kill."
SADIE: (Mike the TV) She walks, she talks, she breathes, smiles, kills, slices, dices, and makes julienne fries! All yours for only three easy payments of ninety-nine, NINETY-NINE,
NINETY-NINE!
- Quote :
- She started walking, slinking, prowling towards Tifa.
WILL: (dismayed) I thought I was the only one who could do that all at once!
- Quote :
- Tifa was frozen in place, a pillar of solid fear.
ASTER: (Scarlet) *tip*
SADIE: (Tifa) *SMASH*
ASTER: (Scarlet) Good thing breast implants don't bounce.
- Quote :
- There was something about Scarlet that was unnatural.
CLIVE: As long as there's nothing that's Mr. B. Natural.
- Quote :
- It scared her more than anything had ever scared her before.
SADIE: This a woman who's never heard the word "cosplay".
- Quote :
- Tifa watched Scarlet come closer and closer to her, half of her wondering why she was so afraid when she had faced worse,
WILL: Because the plot calls for it?
- Quote :
- half of her merely quivering and whimpering and wishing she could be somewhere else.
SADIE: Unfortunately, her wish was granted, and she found herself in a Gonterfic. Be more specific next time, Tifa.
CLIVE: I've never seen only half of a person quiver before.
- Quote :
- She watched as Scarlet put her dagger to Tifa's throat. Tifa let out a cry, grabbing the doorframe even tighter.
SADIE: ...five hours later.
ASTER: Tifa Lockhart--buns of steel, boobs of silicone, reflexes of lard!
- Quote :
- She held onto it as if it were life itself, as if she thought that, held tight enough, it would make Scarlet go away.
WILL: Why doesn't she just back off? She's had every chance in the world to run for help.
ASTER: See above riff.
- Quote :
- The dagger was cold, and sharp. Like a carefully pointed piece of ice, meticulously chiseled away from a glacier and then sharpened with the most delicate point history has ever known.
ASTER: Just to melt all over the floor. It really makes no sense at all.
- Quote :
- It was Scarlet’s favorite.
CLIVE: Her precioussss...
- Quote :
- She put small pressure on her weapon, breaking the surface of Tifa’s skin. Small amounts of blood escaped from her body
ALL: (blood as hands from The Body Politic) FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
- Quote :
- and ran down her neck.
It stung.
(pause)
CLIVE: ...is it
possible to make a two-word paragraph?
SADIE: Apparently.
- Quote :
- Scarlet licked her lips.
CLIVE: Scarlet's or Tifa's?
WILL: Yes.
- Quote :
- “I can kill,” she repeated, slowly dragging her dagger down Tifa’s throat, careful not to push harder.
ASTER: Not careful enough to avoid severing the jugular, though.
WILL: Great, now I'm all hungry.
- Quote :
- “I killed twice today. I killed a girl who stared at me funny. It’s very insulting, really, when people stare at you.
SADIE: Uh-oh, she knows we're here.
- Quote :
- I used to love it. Crave it, really. Ask for it.
SADIE: By name!
CLIVE: (Scarlet) Kibble 'n Stares, Kibble 'n Stares!
- Quote :
- But now that I look like this . . .” She pierced Tifa’s skin a little deeper. “I feel insulted.”
She had reached the base of Tifa’s neck.
ASTER: Tifa immediately stations three Tri-Rock Launchers, four Warriors, and a Medic to prevent entry.
SADIE: She manages to hold them back, her skull cracks and releases a bird...
ASTER: And we proceed to pick up Phoenix Summon Materia!
SADIE: w00+!
ASTER+SADIE: (high five)
CLIVE: Why am
I the single one?
SADIE: Because you have the charisma of a dead woodchuck.
CLIVE: Oh yeah, forgot.
- Quote :
- She began to retrace the line of blood she created, with her never melting sliver of ice, this time cutting just a little deeper.
SADIE: She has *got* to have hit an artery by now. Tifa only has two areas with any flesh on them and they're both about half a foot lower.
CLIVE: I *like* Tifa's fleshy areas, thank you.
- Quote :
- “I killed her by shooting her in the head. Then put the gun in her hand.
WILL: (Scarlet) I tried doing it the other way around, but it didn't quite work out.
- Quote :
- Always make it look like suicide, Tifa, it’s the best cover up.
SADIE: But the fingerprints--
- Quote :
- Nobody ever suspects the cripple when it’s a suicide.”
SADIE: Okay, so all the funds for developing fingerprinting and DNA analysis were siphoned off into Hojo's "Whom Shall I Mutate?" fund. That...actually makes sense, now that I think about it...
ASTER: And it is once again proved: Every bad thing that happens in the FFVII universe is ALL HOJO’S FAULT!
- Quote :
- Tifa wanted to swallow, but couldn’t.
CLIVE: She...bit off a little more than she could chew...winkwinknudgenudge...
SADIE: Clive...
- Quote :
- She feared Scarlet would kill her if she did.
CLIVE: Funny, it's usually appreciated.
SADIE: Clive...
- Quote :
- Her throat felt clenched and dry, and it took all her strength not to wet it.
SADIE: CLIVE!
CLIVE: What?! I didn't say anything this time!
SADIE: Sorry, reflex.
- Quote :
- “Do you know who else I killed today?”
ALL: Yuffie! YUFFIE!
- Quote :
- Scarlet asked, her voice high-pitched, and sounding like a mockery of casual.
ASTER: Attire, that is.
- Quote :
- “He answered the door when I knocked. I had another knife, you know. I ran it through his eye before he could attack.
SADIE: (victim) Cripes, you Girl Scouts get pushier by the day! I'll buy the danged cookies already!
- Quote :
- He’s eyeless now. Just like me.”
WILL: Actually, neither of them is eyeless. They just have an eye less.
CLIVE: And if you put 'em together, you get peripheral vision!
- Quote :
- She withdrew the knife from Tifa’s neck, staring at, turning it around and admiring every corner of it.
SADIE: There were four of them. It was actually a spatula.
- Quote :
- “I would have let him live. But then he cut my leg.” She turned her head,
SADIE: 360 degrees.
ASTER: I KNEW she was a demon!
- Quote :
- so she faced Tifa. She made a pouty face, her bottom lip jutted out, her one eye filled with emotional hurt and innocence.
WILL: Wasn't it filled with obsession, anger, and insanity fourteen pages ago?
SADIE: (Scarlet as Calvin) *clutching a tissue to her face* All by charagter id dribbing out by node!
- Quote :
- “He cut my leg, Tifa.”
CLIVE: And chopped up the HTML a bit while he was at it.
- Quote :
- She looked back at her knife. “So I killed him.”
ASTER: Wait...wait wait wait, hang on. She said she shoved a knife through his eye before he had a chance to attack.
SADIE: Maybe he was holding a fork when he keeled over.
- Quote :
- She looked back at Tifa. “Do you know who that man was?”
CLIVE: (Scarlet as Darth Vader) He was your FATHER!
SADIE: (Tifa as Luke) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
ASTER: Tifa's father died in the--
SADIE: Shh. Star Wars.
- Quote :
- Quietly, her voice shaking and full of shock, she said “Cloud.”
ASTER: (Scarlet) No, actually, it was Godo. I got a little lost.
- Quote :
- “That’s right,” Scarlet said. Almost threateningly.
WILL: (Scarlet) If you don't take me seriously, I'll kill your boyfr--oh, wait.
- Quote :
- She brought her knife back to Tifa’s throat. She smiled like a child at Christmas, with presents laid out for her at every corner of her large, messy room colored with white walls and pink sheets.
SADIE: Whoa, out of bounds!
ASTER: A thousand gil to the man who can discover the link between fanfic writers and interior decorating, and a million to the man who can sever it!
- Quote :
- “He went down pretty fast.
CLIVE: You can get medication for that--
SADIE: (picking Aster up and hurling her at him) ASTERDOKEN!
CLIVE: GAAAAAAAAH--*crunch*
ASTER: (returning to her seat) Haven't I asked you not to use me as a projectile weapon?
SADIE: Must've slipped my mind.
- Quote :
- I cut his neck, just like I’m doing yours.” She cocked her head to one side, thinking.
CLIVE: (Scarlet as Shiunji) You know, from this angle it kind of looks like...
SADIE: (picking Aster up and hurling her at him) ASTERDOKEN!
CLIVE: AAAAAAAAAGH--*snap*
ASTER: (returning to her seat) You have very convenient memory lapses.
SADIE: Yeah, funny how that works.
- Quote :
- “Well. I did it much quicker. And deeper.
CLIVE: (sulkily) If I didn't want to get out of here with my skull intact...
SADIE: ...the world would be a little more pleasant for all of us.
- Quote :
- And the cut was horizontal.”
Tears began to fall out of Tifa’s eyes, thick, fat, silent tears that never seemed to stop.
WILL: I'm going to assume she means tear ducts, because otherwise, that's just too disgusting for words.
- Quote :
- Scarlet clicked her tongue at this. “Now, don’t go doing that!
WILL: (Scarlet) It's physically impossible!
- Quote :
- Aww, poor thing. You loved him, didn’t you?
ASTER: That really depends on whether he gave the flower to Tifa or Marlene, if he stayed for a drink, if he helped her up first in the sewers...
- Quote :
- Oh, don’t cry, he’s a man!
SADIE: In a manner of speaking. Kind of. In a way. If he's not busy brooding.
- Quote :
- He would have hurt you later on. Besides, I’m going to kill you, too, aren’t I?”
SADIE: (Tifa) Oh, thanks, that cheered me
right up.
CLIVE: (Narrator) And, oddly enough, it did.
SADIE: (Tifa) More butter?
ASTER: (Scarlet) Certainly!
WILL: Now cut that out...
- Quote :
- She leaned forward slightly, as if she were to put the final bit of pressure on her knife, as if she was about to end this entire conversation, forever, and it would never be picked up again.
ALL: (lean forward, holding their breath)
- Quote :
- Then, she withdrew her knife,
ALL: (slump back with a disappointed sigh)
- Quote :
- and quickly licked the wound, tasting the blood as if were chocolate on a lover’s chest.
CLIVE: (Scarlet) Tastes like chicken!
WILL: If the bird's been sick.
- Quote :
- “Or will I?” she asked, darkly.
ALL: Dun dun DUN!
SADIE: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *swoons*
- Quote :
- She grabbed the hand Tifa used to hold onto her doorframe, ripping it off forcefully,
CLIVE: Whoa!
SADIE: Duct tape! We need duct tape over here!
- Quote :
- and Tifa’s hand began to bleed more at this action.
WILL: Her
stump, you mean.
ASTER: Cleanup in aisle three...
- Quote :
- Scarlet pulled her into the middle of the room, and then pushed Tifa, hard, on her chest.
SADIE: ...and she is sucked in, kicking and screaming, and digested a la Gelatinous Cube.
CLIVE: Hey, I think I read a fic like that once.
- Quote :
- Tifa gasped, falling to the floor. She still cried silently.
WILL: And she runs.
- Quote :
- Scarlet walked over, straddling her legs over Tifa’s fallen body.
WILL: Aaaaaand she runs.
- Quote :
- She slowly, slowly, slowly bent over,
WILL: And she RUNS.
ASTER: She put all her stat points into "boob size" and let "intelligence" rot.
- Quote :
- lowering her legs while she did.
CLIVE: Directly
through the floorboards.
SADIE: Darn those mischievous game programmers.
- Quote :
- When her legs were nearly split and her face was inches away from Tifa’s, she asked, again, less rhetorically, “Will I?”
CLIVE: Well,
we'd appreciate it.
- Quote :
- Tifa shook her head, praying she had the right answer.
SADIE: Wait! Use a lifeline! Ask the audience!
- Quote :
- Scarlet smiled like a schoolteacher about to give a gold star to her favorite student.
CLIVE: Clive smiled like a ninja about to give a gold shuriken to his least favorite author's forehead.
SADIE: You're not a ninja.
CLIVE: Shut up, the author doesn't know that.
- Quote :
- “That’s right. I won’t.”
She dropped all the way down to the floor, and then moved her legs together. She lay directly on top of Tifa.
CLIVE: (looks up to the heavens and mouths "thank you", then scrambles closer to the screen)
- Quote :
- “I’ll merely torture you.”
SADIE: (Scarlet, hovering her hands over Tifa's face) Does this bug you? I'm not TOUCHING you! Does this BUG you?!
- Quote :
- She was smiling.
“See . . . It was you that destroyed me. I know the story.
ASTER: (Scarlet) *darkly* Of a lovely lady.
SADIE: (Scarlet) *same* She was bringing up three very lovely girls.
- Quote :
- Cloud joined your little group when you asked him too. It’s your fault that Cloud got involved.”
ASTER: Actually, Cloud kinda would have gotten involved no matter what, seeing as HE WAS SEPHIROTH'S SMEGGIN' PUPPET--
WILL: (places a hand on her shoulder) Calm.
SADIE: No, Costa Del Sol.
- Quote :
- She giggled.
(the MiSTies cover their ears and every dog within a 3,000-mile radius starts howling)
- Quote :
- “All. Your. Fault!” she repeated, as if she were speaking to a child who had accidentally knocked over the table, and found it extremely cute and amusing that the child didn’t know any better.
WILL: Yeah, kids knocking over furniture is always so tou--huh?
- Quote :
- “Cloud was the strongest, but you were the brains, weren’t you?
(long pause)
CLIVE: ...*snick*...
(all break into uncontrollable laughter)
- Quote :
- Always back there. Manipulating. Telling him what to do. Telling him to destroy Shinra.
ASTER: (recovering) How could someone mix Tifa up with Sephiroth?
SADIE: Same outfit.
ASTER: Oh, that makes--huh?
- Quote :
- Oh, you hated me, didn’t you?
ASTER: Yep.
- Quote :
- You wanted to destroy me.
ASTER: Doesn't every gamer?
- Quote :
- Was I more attractive than you?
ASTER: Well, two out of three ain't bad.
- Quote :
- Did you think that? Is that why you hated me?”
SADIE: (Tifa) Actually, the whole "trying to kill me and everyone I love, not to mention almost destroying the planet" thing kinda had a hand in it.
- Quote :
- Tifa, once again, shook her head, appalled at how wrong, how very wrong, Scarlet had twisted their situation.
WILL: It's wrong, shockingly wrong!
SADIE: The HTML or the fanfic?
- Quote :
- “Let me tell you something,” Scarlet said.
SADIE: (Tifa) No! (claps hands over ears) ~OH, SAY CAN YOU SEEEEEEE...
[quote]"I was never more attractive than you. Never.”
(all glance around at each other)
CLIVE: ...nope. Can't argue with that.
(the others nod assent)
- Quote :
- And then she kissed Tifa, softly, on the lips.
SADIE: Aaaand we have femmeslash!
OTHERS: (monotone) Hooray.
- Quote :
- “You’re an Angel of Death, aren’t you, Tifa? Beautiful, mysterious, no one ever guesses that it’s you.
SADIE: (Scarlet as Bart) No one
ever suspects the butterfly!
- Quote :
- No one. You’re eyes are too large, too child-like, too pure. Your body is too slender, your breasts are too perfect, your lips are too full.
ASTER: (Scarlet) It's almost like you're an anime character or something.
- Quote :
- You are untouchable, and you are unspoiled, and you are innocent.
ALL: WHAT?!
WILL: Did she cross wires with Aerith while we weren't looking?
SADIE: More importantly, did fanfiction cease to exist while we weren't looking?
- Quote :
- No one suspects you, no, they merely want you, or wish to be you. You’ve made everyone love you, haven’t you, Tifa?”
CLIVE: (Scarlet) You're a Mary Sue, aren't you, Tifa?!
- Quote :
- Tifa only stared at Scarlet in horror.
She never did those things.
SADIE: Bet she'd say the same thing about "Cloud Mows The Lawn".
- Quote :
- She never was those things.
WILL: (Tifa) Beautiful? Perfect breasts?! How DARE you!
- Quote :
- This was all a fantasy in Scarlet’s head.
CLIVE: And all over the author’s keyboard.
- Quote :
- “I loved you, Tifa,” Scarlet continued. “I loved you when I first saw you, and I loved you when I first touched you, and I loved you when you slapped me across the face and called me bitch.
SADIE: Just a
little too much information there, Scarlet.
ASTER: (shaking her head) They really should have made that part of the game so you had to play it two-handed. They really,
really should have.
- Quote :
- Did you ever know how much I loved you? Did you?”
CLIVE: (Scarlet) DID YOU?! DID YOU?! HUH?!
SADIE: (Tifa) Yup.
CLIVE: (Scarlet) Oh, okay.
- Quote :
- “No,” Tifa said, softly.
“Yes you did,“ Scarlet hissed, becoming angry, suddenly, and looking more and more insane. “You did, two souls always know when they belong together. We’re soul mates, fucking soul mates.
CLIVE: Replace "soul mates" with "about to start" and I'll be a happy man.
SADIE: Make one more comment like that and I'll make you a woman.
- Quote :
- And you betrayed me. I loved you, and you loved me,
SADIE: (Scarlet) And we were, indeed, a happy family!
- Quote :
- and you ignored it, and you helped kill me.
WILL: She isn't dead. When you kill someone, they generally die.
SADIE: And you?
WILL: I died a bit! It was boring, that's all. I hummed all the songs I knew.
- Quote :
- You betrayed me, and did you know that, Tifa?”
ASTER: (Scarlet as the Lizard King) Were you AWARE of that, Tifa? Did you KNOW that? The end is NIGH, Tifa! And it's SOONER than you THINK!
- Quote :
- “No,” Tifa said, softly.
Scarlet smiled, her face brightening, her tone becoming excited. She went from obsessed and homicidal to a teenager at a friend’s house, about to announce who had kissed her the day before.
CLIVE: Boiiiiing!
SADIE: Get the woman some Lithium!
- Quote :
- “Do you want to know why else I didn’t die back there?” Scarlet asked. “Why I’m so lucky?”
WILL: (Tifa) By any chance did you use HTML tags as a makeshift shield?
- Quote :
- She kissed the corner of Tifa’s mouth, and murmured, before Tifa could answer, “Because I’m immortal.”
ASTER: (Scarlet) Only without the "t".
CLIVE: Have we hit a whole, weird area yet?
SADIE: This fic is grounded firmly within the boundaries of Noodle-Woodle Land, Clive.
- Quote :
- Tifa, despite all her fear, despite the fact she knew her life was changed, forever, for the worst, gave a short abrupt laugh.
CLIVE: (Tifa) *Krankor laugh*
SADIE: (Tifa) *Dr. Forrester laugh*
ASTER: (Tifa) *Kefka laugh*
WILL: (Scarlet) Uh, are you okay?
- Quote :
- Scarlet smiled, and shook her head. “Silly girl. Think I’m joking? Really?”
CLIVE: (waves a hand dismissively) We've all heard the one about the chicken, Scarlet.
- Quote :
- She reached behind her again, with her one arm, and brought out a syringe she had put into her dagger sheath.
ASTER: (singing) Hooray for chem-i-cals!
WILL: That can’t be hygienic.
- Quote :
- She stuck it into Tifa’s arm, and injected it into her bloodstream.
SADIE: (Tifa) Wha...is this grape juice?
ASTER: (Scarlet) Oops.
- Quote :
- As Tifa began to react to the chemicals Scarlet had put in her, Scarlet stood. She walked over to the couch, and sat down again.
WILL: (Scarlet) Well, that was fun. Time for Law and Order.
- Quote :
- “It’s amazing what the right mixture of Mako can do.”
SADIE: (Cloud as GIR) I neeeeeeeeed Mako! I need it or I will explode! That happens to me sometimes...
- Quote :
- She leaned back, watching Tifa shudder and vomit and roll across the floor.
ASTER: Whoa Nellie! Lookit her go!
SADIE: Yeehaw!
- Quote :
- This would last for another twenty minutes.
CLIVE: Wow, that stuff must be GREAT for parties!
SADIE: Nothin' like a good old-fashioned Tifa-rollin' contest!
WILL: ...I think I'll jettison myself out an airlock now...
- Quote :
- It took ones body a while to get used to the Mako at such large quantities when it’d never been exposed to it before.
SADIE: (Tifa as GIR) Makomakomako...
- Quote :
- “Hojo was developing this.
ASTER: Of course! And why is this natural? Because, once AGAIN...
ALL: IT'S ALL HOJO'S FAULT!
- Quote :
- When Gast was head of the department, he ordered Hojo to stop this particular branch of research.
SADIE: (Gast) You will NOT be able to breed a chocobo with Ruby WEAPON, Hojo.
ASTER: Now *that* I'd pay to see.
- Quote :
- Hojo only got to successfully use it on Vincent Valentine.
SADIE: Yes, let's all beat up on Vincent. You know, according to all the fics about what really happened in the lab, Vincent really should be very dead, very insane, and-slash-or slightly pregnant by now.
ASTER: He can't help it. He's just so capture-and-torturable.
SADIE: Unlike Yuffie.
ASTER: Unfortunately.
WILL: *snapping his fingers in front of Aster's face* Girls? You're holding up the fic.
CLIVE: It's a
good thing, Will. Let them talk.
- Quote :
- And myself, when I got a hold of the documents and materials. Although he never knew it . . .”
CLIVE: So the only way to become a vampire is by rolling on the floor and vomiting for twenty minutes straight?
WILL: Apparently.
CLIVE: I need to go get my video camera and a few dozen Twilight fans.
- Quote :
- She laughed.
(the MiSTies flinch and the sprinkler system goes off)
- Quote :
- “You’re going to be forever twenty-three, Tifa. Aren’t you excited? Forever young, forever perfect. Forever mine.”
WILL: You don't own anything you can't carry in one hand at a dead run.
CLIVE: Well, she only has the one hand, so that works out.
- Quote :
- She was silent, waiting for Tifa’s to calm down. Then she stood up. “First, Tifa, we’ll find
SADIE: (Scarlet) --a mop. Wow, that's gross.
- Quote :
- your friend Barret. Kill his little daughter, right in front of his eyes, then kill him.
HARRY MASON: CHERYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYL!
(long pause)
SADIE: Who the HECK are you?
- Quote :
- You’ll get to see it all, Tifa. In fact, I’ll let you destroy cute little Marlene!
CLIVE: Tell her she was adopted.
ASTER: ...she WAS adopted.
CLIVE: Not you, Tifa.
- Quote :
- Let you hear the names and things Barret calls you
WILL: "Things"?
SADIE: Probably referring to those funny streams of symbols that come out of his mouth when he's mad.
CLIVE: Or depressed.
SADIE: Or awake.
ASTER: Or living.
- Quote :
- as you slice into his daughter’s body and make her scream.
SADIE: (Mike the TV) It slices, it dices--
WILL: You did that one already.
SADIE: Aw...
- Quote :
- Then, possibly, we’ll find your friend Yuffie. You don’t like her much, do you?
ASTER: No. No we do not.
- Quote :
- Well. We can burn down her town, and make sure she’s in it.
SADIE: (hand shoots up) Front seat!
ASTER: (same) Balcony!
CLIVE: (same) Back row with a heavy-duty pair of opera glasses!
WILL: (same) Shotgun!
- Quote :
- And . . . Oh, Tifa.”
SADIE: (Scarlet as Larry the Cucumber) ~I just can't wait for you to come, I just can't wait for you to come and I have cookies...three yummy cookies...just for you for when you come only for you for when you come...
CLIVE: Welcome to the dark side, Sade.
SADIE: Wha-- *double entendre dawns on her* GAH!
- Quote :
- Tifa looked up at Scarlet, breathing hard, panting, and crying loudly.
ASTER: (Tifa) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
SADIE: (Scarlet) On second thought, maybe I
will kill you.
- Quote :
- Scarlet giggled, bouncing a little where she sat.
(all MiSTies scream in anguish and small animals spontaneously combust)
- Quote :
- “We’re going to have so much fun!”
CLIVE: (getting up) Good to know
somebody is.
*zing!*
>Scarlet shakes her head, smiling cruelly. "Luck. Luck, I’m sure. It’s always luck, isn’t it? I'm one hell of a lucky bitch, aren't I?"
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