The Flu by HugMonster341
- Quote :
- Logan was busy scheming. In fact he was making many cunning and devious plans.
Playing the part of Logan today, we have The Grinch.
- Quote :
- He had started plotting at breakfast when he had noticed something odd. As he reached for the toast he spotted Kurt slumped forward with his head on his folded arms, a full plate of food, untouched, in front of him.
This was very strange considering the individual in question. Kurt was one of those annoying skinny people who could eat anything without gaining any weight;
Goddamn those obnoxious, thin bitches! Next time I see a skinny person I am going to punch him in the face!
- Quote :
- "Shut up and sit still." Jean ordered. She pressed the back of her hand to Kurt's forehead, feeling the normally soft fur slick with sweat and the skin beneath roastingly hot. Then she pulled up the lids of Kurt's eyes and looked at them, before quickly taking his pulse.
“Yep, his heart is still beating.”
- Quote :
- "Congratulations fuzzball, I think you've got the flu." She said, making an educated guess.
Every Who down in Whoville liked Kurt a whole lot, but the Wolverine, who lived just north of Whoville - did not.
- Quote :
- "Reeeeeeeeeeeeaally?" Logan said, feeling a little lightbulb flashing on inside his skull.
Then he got an idea. An awful idea. The Wolverine got a wonderful,
awful idea!
- Quote :
- Logan was permanently the butt of Kurt's many practical jokes. He couldn't count the number of times he'd had buckets of glue and feathers dropped on his head, had gum put on his chair or had his trousers yanked down.
And he'd play noisy games like zoozit and kazay, a rollerskate type of lacrosse and croquet!
- Quote :
- However, his previous attempts at retribution had failed due to Kurt's agility and shrewdness which had kept him out of the traps that Logan had set in return. Nine times out of ten some other unfortunate individual tripped the traps. Logan flinched as he remembered the time that he had spiked a drink, that he had thought was Kurt's, with laxatives. Scott hadn't spoken to him for a long time after that.
“I must stop this whole thing! Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now. I must stop Kurt from pranking... but how?”
- Quote :
- However . . . Now Kurt was playing with a handicap, this might give him a chance to even the score. Okay so it was a tad dishonourable picking on a mutant when he was down but dammit Logan was desperate!
~You're a mean one, Wolverine. You really are an eel. You're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel, Wolver-riiine. You're a bad banana with a... greasy black peel.~
The next part is boring and I am going to skip it. In summary, Kurt teaches an art class and his students are allowed to have weapons at school. Also there is some serious confusion as to whether this is movie-verse or Evo, but I am probably the only one who cares.
In the next part, Strom pays a visit to Kurt in his room that he shares with Scott and Wolverine:
- Quote :
- Kurt's place was slightly scruffier than Scott's but still quite neat. He had done one better than the photos and the posters and had painted a scaled up copy of his favourie photograph on the wall. It was all of the X-Men together in front of the Xavier institute, he had even included Logan giving Professor Xavier bunny ears and Scott trying to get a sneak feel of Jean Grey's arse.
More like Kurt giving Professor Xavier bunny ears and Wolverine sneaking a feel of Jeans ass. Or, uh, wait, what universe are we in again?
- Quote :
- and he lay there, like a discarded demonic doll,
Shit, I stumbled into bad Silent Hill fic, with no Delcat to rescue me >.<
- Quote :
- and he sounded like he was finding it difficult doing the mental translating from German to English.
Is there a sound for that?
- Quote :
- "Who's taking over my classes?" He asked.
“Yes.”
"I mean the guy's name."
"Who."
"Waitaminute this routine ist older than Logan. Fuck you, Storm.”
- Quote :
- Storm sighed. "Todd Tolensky."
The reaction was instantaneous."TOAD?!" Kurt shrieked. "Toad ist teaching my students?!"
Yeah, I found that plot contrivance hard to be swallow too.
- Quote :
- "He owes us a favour and he's qualified." Storm said, parroting what Professor Xavier had told her.
“*squawk* Owes us a favor. Owes us a favor. *squawwwwwk* *whistle*”
- Quote :
- To be honest she had had the exact same reaction as Kurt but she could see the benefit in having Toad around. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer and all that.
Except for the part where Evo-Toad is as threatening as boiled squash.
- Quote :
- Kurt wasn't listening; he was rummaging around in his bedside cabinet. As she watched he grabbed a piece of notepaper and a pen and scribbled a note on it.
“Do me a favor und put this on Logan's back for me.”
“Kurt, it says “Kick Me”.”
“I know.”
“You are in the bed passed out from flu-”
“It's
urgent!”
- Quote :
- “Get this to Riley for me?"
"Who's Riley?"
"Riley ist vun of my students. You cannot miss him, he's tall und skinny und Australian und, for some reason I've never been able to fathom, he carries a scythe around.
“You know, the goth Stu.”
- Quote :
- You'll find him at the back looking at porn through the desk."
“Hmm, sounds more like an author insert to me.”
- Quote :
- Toad was feeling nervous. Kurt's class were looking at him. Just looking at him. With carefully blank expressions.
BRAAAAAAINS~
- Quote :
- It was making him paranoid. He ran a finger around his shirt collar. He had dressed smart in order to make a good impression but the smelly fug that always surrounded him had removed the starch from his shirt and had made the flower on his lapel wilt.
Awww, he wore a
flower in his
lapel. Poor baby, I know I confuse teaching and prom all the time.
- Quote :
- He sat in Kurt's chair and every other set of eyes in the room narrowed slightly at this invasion of space, so he got up again sheepishly.
Seriously, how are the X-Men threatened by this pussy?
- Quote :
- Toad looked at Riley suspiciously. He didn't think it beyond Kurt to get his students to torment him in his absence.
Oh, Kurt would never do that. He has
religion.
- Quote :
- "Erm . . ." Storm beckoned to Toad and they went into a huddle in the corner, with Storm trying to hold her breath against the terrible smell. "Jenna is a . . . unique student." She said.
"Really?" Toad said, looking at the little girl in question. "She seems the most ordinary of the lot."
Also Toad is more effectively English in this fic despite the fact Evo-Toad is the only American version. For those of you who care (no one).
- Quote :
- "She has mulitple personalities." Storm explained.
"Personalities?" Toad asked, incredulously. "She has more than one extra personality?"
"Oh yeah, at last count she has six. Problem is that she doesn't know this, none of the personalities knows about the others. Watch out for Livvy, she's the one that bites, she thinks she's either a dog or a serial killer, we're not sure which 'cos all she does is snicker and dribble."
Still Storm talking.
- Quote :
- "Right, okay. Don't let Kao anywhere near your neck, he's a vampire. Don't let Nal get the hiccups, she explodes when she does. Don't worry she comes alive again after a few minutes but it makes one hell of a mess until she does and the smell of blood lingers for weeks. Rin's generally okay but don't get between her and a plate of cookies because she will tear you in half in order to get to them. She's very strong for saying she's such a skinny little thing. Riley's fine, just don't take his porn away, he's very handy with that scythe of his. And if Derex sets fire to anything then just holler and someone will be along in a few minutes to put it out."
Boy, that sure sounds like a wholesome environment to send your child to be educated. It also sounds boring and cliché, especially when scythe-porn-boy reveals, *shock* Kurt's note really says to torture the hell out of Toad. Because Kurt is a
good guy. So I am going to skip to the next scene already, if you do not mind.
- Quote :
- Logan slipped quietly into the room he shared with Scott and Kurt.
All their windows were dark. No one knew he was there. Kurt was just dreaming sweet dreams without care...
- Quote :
- The latter was sprawled on his bed, his slender chest heaving as though breathing was painful and difficult, dozing fitfully.
~You're a monster, Wolverine. Your heart's an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders, you have garlic in your soul, Wolver-riiine! I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.~
- Quote :
- Padding closer, he noticed that Kurt's sheets were damp with sweat.
~You nauseate me, Wolverine. With a nauseous super-naus. You're a crooked, jerky jockey and you drive a crooked hoss, Wolver-riiine! Your soul is an appalling dump-heap, overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots!~
- Quote :
- They'll soon be wet with something else, he thought, evilly.
Wait, what? Ew. Just, ew, Wolverine.
- Quote :
- Kneeling down by the bed, he carefully placed a bowl of water on the floor. He had warmed it to be roughly at body temperature so that it wouldn't wake Kurt up when he put his hand in it.
~You're a vile one, Wolverine. You have termites in your smile. You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, Wolver-riiine! Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take the uh... seasick crocodile.~
- Quote :
- He had heard that if you put a sleeping person's hand in a bowl of water it made them wet themselves.
The Jr. High students told him so.
- Quote :
- The perfect way for him to get his revenge on Kurt. He gently took a hold of Kurt's wrist and slowly lowered it into the bowl.
~You're a rotter, Wolverine. You're the king of sinful sots. Your heart's a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots, Wolver-riiiine! You're a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!~
- Quote :
- "LOGAN!"
Logan leapt about a foot into the air, knocking the bowl of water flying.
It was Storm and she was incandescent with rage.
Getting Storm mad is the most cost-effective way to light a large building like the X-mansion.
- Quote :
- "What the hell are you doing?" She scream-whispered, not wanting to disturb Kurt.
“Umm, ruining Kurt's Christmas?”
- Quote :
- "Were you doing the old make someone wet their pants trick? On Kurt? While he's sick and unable to defend himself?"
~You're a foul one, Wolverine. You're a nasty, wasty skunk. Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk, Wolver-riiine! The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote: Stink, stank, stunk!~
- Quote :
- "Out!" She ordered him.
“I need privacy for the rape.”
“What?”
“I am going to have sex with him while he is unconscious, which is technically rape, since he is pretty much incapable of consent.”
“Oh. Yeah, that's what I thought.”
- Quote :
- It was Scott. He was standing in front of Logan who had hit the opposite wall quite hard and was now lying in a crumpled, concussed heap on the floor. "Does the whole 'not-coming-in' thing apply to me too?" He asked timidly.
"Oh, sorry Scott, yeah. I don't want to have too many people around Kurt, he's probably going to be a bit contagious for a while."
Except for me, I am immune because of my mighty healing factor. Oh wait, that was Wolverine, shit.
- Quote :
- "Soooooooo where do Logan and I sleep?"
Hmm, legitimate question.
- Quote :
- "Logan can sleep in the shed for all I care and . . ." An evil little thought occurred to her. " . . . You can take my room."
Which Storm repays with EVIL.
- Quote :
- Storm looked around surreptitiously before leaning in and murmuring: "I share a room with Jean."
You would think Scott would know who Jean shared a room with. I mean, they all live in the same house. Here is a secret: Storm's real roommate is Rogue.
- Quote :
- Storm sat back on the bed next to him and smoothed a hand over Kurt's brow.
Kurt moaned with pleasure and placed his own hand over hers,
Whoa guys, I am still in the room. Ick, I am skipping the grotey foreplay here. Just keep in mind that in Evo Storm is at least 15 years older than Kurt. Of course I still have no idea is this is supposed to be Evo or not, especially when they throw shit like this at me:
- Quote :
- She sat for a moment, admiring the elegant swirling designs he had carved into his skin and the soft downy blue hair on his stomach muscles.
Anyway, we cut back to the little shits Toad is supposed to be teaching. All that happens is some bullshit with Viagra (which does not work that way, guys, thankyouverymuch) and cake. Whatever.
Then we get back to Scott. Poor Scott, you may be a pussy-ass tool in canon, but you did not deserve this.
- Quote :
- He knocked the pillow out of place. As he moved to replace it he spotted something sticking out from beneath it. Retrieving it he found a blue satin night gown with a lace trim.
His fingers clutched into the material and he whimpered in delight. He leant forward and, pressing the material to his face, breathing in a musky familiar scent.
Oooooohhhhh Jean . . . He lay back again and clutched the nightie to him.
Shit, no wonder Jean is not telling him where her room is.
- Quote :
- “Aaaw bless.” Toad said, enchanted. “Thank you so much.”
A
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] Toad, you are the only thing good about this fic, you adorable loser, you. But I am still skipping your part because I hate the fucking children.
- Quote :
- “Y-Yes. Silly me.” He said, laughing slightly hysterically. “I-I’d better just go and have a . . . I mean change my b- my trousers!
Also, still English.
- Quote :
- “Oh for Christ’s sake . . .” The Professor muttered. “109 degree fever and he’s still trying to get into your knickers.”
So is Xavier.
- Quote :
- Two days later . . .
Final-fuckin-ly.
- Quote :
- “I know, I can’t believe I got so irritated with him over such stupid little things.” Logan said.
And Wolverine, with his Wolvie-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so?
- Quote :
- There was a loud bamf and Kurt materialised on the table between them.
“Mein ears are burning. Somevun say my name?” He said, cheekily.
No. Who the hell is Somevun?
- Quote :
- “Alright, enough with the public displays of affection there, Elf.”
And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then Wolverine thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more? I mean, Kurt. What if Kurt is a... um... shit. Sorry guys, I not exactly Ziess over here.
- Quote :
- There were two bamf’s in quick succession and Kurt teleported behind Logan.
“Eurgh! KURT!” Logan yelped, leaping forward as Kurt gave him a wet sloppy lick on the ear.
Ugh, room. Get one.
- Quote :
- “THAT’s for trying to make me pee myself.” Kurt grinned, wickedly, bounding away.
“I mean,
really? That vas fucking lame.”
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