Meeting on a Beach by Aunty Mib
Just so you know, I am going into this one pretty much blind. I read the first few paragraphs and decided it would be bad enough to snark. It may turn out to be the best thing ever written, but since it is porn it will still be hilarious. Porn is always hilarious.
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- Warnings: M/M sex. And well, we don't have super powers, they don't have AIDS. Unless you can fire power blasts from your eyes use condoms and lube.
See what I mean? If you have lazer eyes you do not have AIDS! If you have telekinesis you do not have Syphilis! If you turn into ice you do not have Herpes! If you have retractable claws you cannot get a woman pregnant!
OK, so this is Scott/Toad slash that is supposed to be set in the movie-verse. Psh, all Toad fics are either movie-verse or Evo. Nevermind that hooking up Scott and Toad in the Ultimate-verse would actually make a small fraction of sense (as long and you are wearing your yaoi-goggles, anyways). Scott is on a beach, presumably to meet with the Brotherhood. For some reason he is wearing a Speedo. He sees Toad.
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- Toad was wearing Hawaiian patterned swim shorts. His green curls were plastered to his head and water drops glistened on his golden skin. He had a body of an Olympic gymnast, decorated with several tattoos, in the middle of his chest was a three eyed smiley-face with the Olde English lettering saying "Have a freakish day".
Lol wut? Can I... even say anything here? I mean, he has the glistening, golden body of a gymnast. Covered in tattoos. With 'Olde English' lettering.
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- Scott looked down at Toad's feet and thought.
"God, his feet are enormous. I wonder?"
He glanced further up Toad's body and blushed.
Scott has been replaced by dainty virgin maiden, natch.
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- "Oi! Throw me a towel, why don't you?"
Scott scooped up a towel and tossed it to him. Toad rubbed the towel over his head and fluffed up his curls. He flopped down beside Scott.
Yes, it is very important that Toad make sure his hair stays fluffy, otherwise the boys will not like him.
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- Scott said, "Excuse me for asking. But what the FUCK is going on? We aren't friends or anything."
"Why not slash us in the universe where we actually
are friends?"
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- Toad shrugged. He asked Scott, 'Look at me. What do I look loik?"
Scott said impatiently, "You're an incredibly handsome man, OK. What's your point?"
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]Oh yeah, veeeeeeery handsome.
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- Scott looked at him again. He was muscular, smooth skinned, enormous black eyes and curly hair. He was beautiful. He was a mutant.
OK, so, making gay jokes is not as much fun during a slash fic, so I am going to try and make some het jokes. Try and bear with me.
*sigh* "So very beautiful. Now if only he had some wicked titties, that would be awesome. Oh well." *gets up and leaves*
How was that?
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- Scott understood, he looked with the eyes of a Senator Kelly.
He keeps those in his purse, just in case.
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- Toad had horrid yellow skin, freakish green hair and monstrous inhuman eyes.
Also warts and crooked teeth.
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- "OK, I get it. How old were you when you changed."
Toad smirked, "Change? Whadya mean by change, mate? I'm a mutant from birth. Me mam took one look at me and started screaming her bloody 'ead orf. Me fam'ly stuck me in one of those 'institutions'. I done runaway when I wuz fourteen and joined me a gang."
Is he supposed to be Cockney or Southern?
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- "I can't imagine what I would be like to be you?"
"I mean, I think I can't? Maybe?"
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- Toad rolled over and looked into Scott's eyes.
"Kiss me fair maiden~!"
"Dude, I'm a dude."
"C'mon, don't be silly, there is no way you have a penis down there."
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- "We 'ad to know whether you could see me as 'andsome or no. I'm a bloody good lookin' fella. If you wuz a self-hatin' mutant you couldna see it.
"Damnit, I'm good-looking! Thinking otherwise makes you a mutant-hater! Playgirl refusing to put me on their cover is a hate crime, I say! HAAAAATE CRIIIIME!!"
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- If we just disagree about tactics an' stuff we can respect one another. We can work with that. We wanna set up some ground rules for the future."
Rule 1) All future battles will be staged between the women only.
Rule 2) In all future battles the participants will wear undergarments only.
Rule 3) All future battle will happen in tubs of pudding.
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- "You nearly killed Jean and Storm last time. How can we trust one another?"
"Youh team stabbed Mystique, threw Sabertooth orf a tall buildin' and electrocuted me and dumped me in the water.
"Haha yeah... How did you manage to survive that, anyway?"
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- "I can't make that type of decision by myself. How did you get the authority to make the offer? Did Magneto OK it?"
"Does your master know you're here, bitch?"
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- "Magneto aint the only one who can make a bleedin' decision. We're led by Mystique now, an we talk over things amongst ourselves. If this works all-right with you then she meets up with Storm next. In the meantime, the school's orf limit for any hooliganism."
Heh... hooliganism. Like the brotherhood is some high-school gang who plans on writing "Xavier sux cox" on their lawn in turpentine and then peeing in their shrubs.
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- "That's all? Okey-dokey. I'll bring that back to the rest of the team. I think that it's a good idea. Let's get rolling."
Toad looked uncomfortable for the first time in the meeting. "There was somethin' else I wanted to do. This 'as nothin' to do with the other offer, mind."
*porn music starts playing*
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- Scott looked at the rest of Toad's body. His nipples were erect.
Lol wut? Maybe it is just cold, dude.
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- That wasn't the only thing that was jutting out.
Toad was also giving Scott the two finger salute.
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- Scott thought, "OH MY GOOD GOD. He really is a monster. He is not sticking that into me!" Scott's dick hardened at the sight.
Bolding not mine.
I am just going to let that one stand on its own.
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- Toad watched the line of Scott's attention. He opened his mouth and Wwwwhiipp his tongue snaked up the legs of Scott's shorts. It wrapped around Scott's balls and stroked his cock.
That 'Wwwwhiipp' sound-effect always gets me in the mood.
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- "Toad has a wicked tongue. Oh my. Jean will get a kick out of this. If I have the nerve to tell her."
Yeah, Jean will think that that is goddamn hilarious. Go ahead and tell her, Scott.
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- Scott groaned. He played with his own nipples.
I love how men always do this in yaoi and never in het.
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- Toad pulled down his shorts and wrapped his hands around his own penis. The tip of his penis dripped with pre-cum.
Scott said, "I hope that this isn't a game for one to play. Though what I can do is beyond me. Put it over my shoulder and burp it or something."
Oh Scott, you always know just what to say.
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- Toad gave an extra long slurp of Scott's cock and covered it in slime.
Hawt.
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- "Remember what they say about a Frog's ass bein' tight?"
Uhh, no? Who talks about the tightness of a frog ass?
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- He whipped his tongue down again and held Scott's dick erect as he sat all the way down.
O.....kay.... Actually I think that is kinda hot. Damn.
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- "I'm not a frog!"
"Oh, I suppose you are a blue dragon/ silver wolf hybrid angel then, huh? Poser furry asshole."
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- Scott grabbed Toad's dick with both hands, and he needed both hands, and jerked Toad off as Toad rode him. Toad's ass was not too tight, it was wonderfully, and magically loose enough that fucking Toad was not the same as fucking a vise grip.
Quamp does not approve.
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- It didn't take long before Toad was breathing hard. Scott leant forward and took the entire head of Toad's cock into his mouth just as Toad spurted his load. Scott creamed while trying to swallow Toad's bitter cum.
Hmm, someone got an A in PE.
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- "Do you think this is what Magneto and the Professor do when they get together?"
Duh.
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- "Will we get back in touch? I don't want the next time that we meet to be in a fight to the death."
"Call me~!"
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- "We're goin' to be in touch, mate. I 'ope the only times we meet is when you bugger me with that lovely cock of yours."
Heh, I like how Toad is the bottom not because he is a girly, whiny uke, but because his penis is too big to comfortably shove up another man's backdoor.
Mmmm, that snark was pretty good, IMHO. I am sorry I broke etiquette and snarked nearly every line. Like I said I was doing as I read so I did not really plan it out much. I hope you guys liked, because I will probably do another tomorrow ^.^
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