This one comes from a couple of years back, but I never posted it because we were between forums at the time. My sister gave me the opening paragraph of a fic and we ended up spontaneously snarking the whole thing. It's a light snark, but it's an old favorite, and hopefully enjoyable. I'll probably give it a fuller rundown later.
Seiran: Oh my god. I just reread this paragraph and figured out that it means the main character opened his eyes. This fic is going to be TEN THOUSAND YEARS long.
- Quote :
- Harsh, prickled entwinements of carefully machine-woven fabric contrasted greatly to the pale, soft skin it was forced to cradle up against. The mound of flesh quivered slightly, sure to disturb any dust mites or other microscopic signs of life that dwelled on the tightly bound strands of thick thread. A sudden profound intake of oxygen rattled the overwhelming silence that clung desperately to the space time continuum, shattering the distilled quiet almost immediately. Two tightly clenched folds of human epidermis snapped open violently, revealing a mysteriously enticing green orb that partook in inhabiting these folds. The small areas of flesh fluttered completely shut for a brief moment or so before opening once more.
Delcat: Holy SHIT.
Delcat: Link me?
Seiran:
AFF may be an uber-pit, but its "Original" section is an uber-uber-UBER-pit.Seiran: "Two tightly clenched folds of human epidermis snapped open violently" brings to mind a lot of other disturbing mental images.
Delcat: Srsly.
Seiran: The names alone in this section are giving me headaches.
- Quote :
- Before he allowed himself to permanently dwell upon the contents of this mere question forever, his facial expression contorted as a horrific gasp escaped from his thin, pink lips. He had gotten the crimson essence dubbed as blood all over Vincent's new and extremely expensive carpet! Oh dear God, what had he done? Vincent would never forgive him, not now, not in a million years.
Delcat: GAY.
Seiran: Tristan Trenton Kurai Sakura Jessi Ninasiao Kiya Riku Cian Kassandra Jayden Celina Bryce Kura Syrin Darc is anyone named Bill? Or Brad? Or Chester McGillicuddy?
- Quote :
- Something hard and heavy collided with the back of his head as he screamed in heart-wrenching pain before falling into a pathetic and crumpled pile on the ground.
"Don't you ever fucking have your back turned on me when I'm talking to you, you fucking dipshit! How many fucking times do I have to tell you, huh?!"
A hard, unforgiving front end of a shoe collided mercilessly into his side forcing him to roll grudgingly onto his back. Devon's eye bored into his love's as his left one stared out placidly, blankly. After all, no expression could ever be read from an eyeball constructed entirely of glass.
Vincent's furious facial expression seemed to have softened slightly for once. Devon couldn't stand being stared at the way he was and he awkwardly avoided his boyfriend's gaze as his eyes swept over him, taking in the sorry sight before him.
"Aw, you're bleeding. You poor thing. I'm sorry. Come here."
Delcat: Abusive until he sees blood? Man, that's fail as far as abusive goes.
- Quote :
- There, only about five feet from him, stood a rather delicious-looking morsel with long, flowing strands of raven-black hair and eyes of the brightest ocean blue that could draw you in for hours on end. He wanted to drown in those topaz-colored pools.
Seiran: Flowing strands and gazing pools aside, isn't topaz not blue?
Seiran: Yes. It's amber. FAIL.
- Quote :
- "Will this be on your card today?"
A woman's voice suddenly flooded through his thoughts, though he had managed to process what she had said before he could get stared at; he had had enough of that for one day as it was.
"No."
A sharp beep made him cringe slightly, although the sound was nothing more than a scanner noisily reading a complicated arrangement of lines.
"Your total today is going to be $2.49."
Seiran: Intense! Milk! Buying! ACTION!
- Quote :
- He deserved it. He deserved getting kicked to the point where he almost couldn't breathe. He deserved every Goddamn bit of it and he knew it. He loved Vincent and Vincent loved him and that's all that mattered.
Seiran: Having trouble with the character's name, by the way?
Delcat: Yeah, I'm totally reading this as a crazy-ass reverse-uke Vincent/Cid fic and loving it.
- Quote :
- "Get up! Get up! Get up and make me some Goddamn breakfast! Jesus fucking Christ! I clothe you and feed you and practically give you a place to live in and this is what I fucking get?! If you really loved me then you would at least show me some fucking respect."
Delcat: NO...FUCKING...WIRE...HANGERS! EVER!
Seiran: Wire hangers: They're not just for goddamn breakfast anymore!
Delcat: Mollie: Oh, thank God > >
- Quote :
- Damn, they didn't have 1%. Vincent wasn't going to be very pleased with him…
Seiran: He bled all over Vincent's hard-earned money and now he was going to have to pay for it. Well, don't paper your house WITH MONEY.
Delcat: That'd be because 1%, as far as I know, doesn't fucking EXIST.
Delcat: He probably takes 2% and dilutes it. With his tears.
Seiran: 2% doesn't exist in slashland because emo boys need to be built like wire breakfast hangers.
Delcat: That shouldn't sound so delicious.
- Quote :
- He reached toward the confining instrument that most called a seat belt
Seiran: So,
most people call crimson essences blood and
most people call confining instruments seat belts.
Seiran: This guy didn't grow up with one of those picture dictionaries we did as kids.
Delcat: No, his mommy just drew extra words in like ours did, only she did it wrong.
Seiran: Yeah, you're probably right. I don't remember B ever being for blood.
- Quote :
- pulled Devon's thin and pliable form toward him
Seiran: He is bendy and pliable. Like a wire hanger.
- Quote :
- He extended a hand curiously and innocently toward the rusted metal door frame as his thin fingers inspected the grooves and dents. He jerked his hand away from the cool steel suddenly, almost as if his hand were placed on a hot stove top. He could feel something luke-warm trickling down his middle finger. Without even really thinking, Devon just crammed his finger into his mouth as a tangy, metallic flavor poured over his taste buds.
Delcat: He's so wishy-washy, his blood is tepid.
Delcat: Tetanus tastes fruity :D
Seiran: Yeah, I read that paragraph something like five times before figuring out he wasn't licking the metal off the car.
- Quote :
- he was literally on the verge of tears.
Seiran: Are people very often metaphorically on the verge of tears? What would that be an allusion to, if not being on the point of tears?
Delcat: Busting a nut.
Seiran: DOING IT WRONG.
Delcat: C'mon, you know how often dicks weep in these fics.
Seiran: That's how he got the glass eye.
Seiran: He ejaculated his corneas.
- Quote :
- against the soft rectangular cushion,
Seiran: P is for PILLOW.
- Quote :
- When Vincent was showing him a small hunting knife he had currently purchased for the time being, he became infuriated suddenly and out of nowhere, just rocketed the blade clear into Devon's left eye, destroying it almost immediately.
Delcat: The "almost" is because it bounced a few times. On the tears.
- Quote :
- "I've currently purchased this for the time being." "What the hell does that mean?" "That I'm going to wipe the blood off and return it once you're down an eye."
Seiran: MORE WORDS = MORE GOODER STORY.
- Quote :
- Devon also remembered having to go to therapy twice a week to help him recover from his recent "suicide attempt". Even despite the fact that Devon had to pay for these sessions with his own money, he had passed them with flying colors, which reassured him in a sense.
Delcat: And no one noticed he was a FLAMING UKE?
- Quote :
- "Fuck! You! Bitch! Fuck! You! Bitch!," Vincent chanted over and over again,
Seiran: Kill the beast!
Seiran: Actually, don't. Soft curtain of flowing hair or not, no one wants a chair that cries when you sit on it.
- Quote :
- Devon could feel the weight shift on the bed as the metallic springs and coils screamed out in pain.
Delcat: ^Like that one?
Delcat: Even the MATTRESS is an uke.
- Quote :
- He wiped off the toilet seat with some bathroom tissue before dispersing it into the bowl as he pressed down on the chrome lever, watching the material swirl around and dissolve before being sucked down into the pipes that would eventually lead into the unknown.
Seiran: MORE WORDS = MORE GOODER STORY.
Seiran: Also, I want bathroom pipes that lead into the unknown.
Delcat: Oh my God, I never knew taking a piss could be so...involved.
Seiran: "Finding Nemo...IN DIMENSION X"
Delcat: They have a black hole hooked up. Altair-4 is pissed.
Seiran: Altair-4 is pissed
on.
Delcat: That too.
Seiran: Yeah, it apparently takes him more effort to open his eyes than to use the bathroom. Did they remember to remove the knife?
- Quote :
- as his fingers ran over the imprints and grooves thoughtfully
Seiran: I believe this makes the fifth time his fingers have obsessively found imprints and grooves, by my count.
Seiran: He is preparing himself to read braille after he brings home five-and-a-quarter percent milk and Vincent takes out the other eye.
- Quote :
- "God, please! Take me now! It's been so long, so very long!"
"If you don't stop whining you're going to be on your own."
"No, no! Please! I want this! I want this more than anything else in the entire world! God, you're so big, so fucking big! Mmm.. Oh God, what I wouldn't give to just have your long, strong cock ramming at my insides and fucking me into insanity! I—"
Delcat: I'd be as surly as Vincent if my boyfriend talked like this, too.
Seiran: Yeah, I want to write a fic where Vincent is in a bar, drinking. "I just don't know how to get him to leave. I've told him it's over. I got a restraining order. Fuck, I stabbed him in THE EYE and he won't go away." "Did you try sending him out for something that didn't exist?" "Yeah, I made up 1% milk, but he still came back."
Seiran: Oh, hey, 1% milk does exist.
Seiran: I'm still not forgiving this story.
- Quote :
- "Don't you release! Don't you fucking release! You best be holding all of that shit in!"
Delcat: "Um, my shit doesn't come out my--"
"YOU'RE RUINING IT FOR ME"
Seiran: He uses terms like "release" because he's an astronaut. The shocking twist of this story is that they're all in a jar of tang. Really abusive tang.
Delcat: ACID tang.
Seiran: Dave and I made abusive Tang once.
Delcat: Yeah?
Seiran: The water to powder ratio is not meant to be toyed with.
Seiran: "More Tang!" "It's turning syrupy." "MORE TANG!"
Delcat: "It's a solid fucking block."
Seiran: "Good, let's set up a little dysfunctional suburb on it."
- Quote :
- "Fuck!," the jet-black haired man screamed as Devon could feel himself instantly fill up with a hot, squishy fluid.
Delcat: Squishy?
Seiran: Squishy.
Delcat: Hell of a word to use in a sex scene.
Delcat: Unless you're having sex with a box of gummi bears.
Seiran: Congratulations, you just rule 34'ed candy.
Delcat: Adults and children love it so; the happy world of HARIBO!
- Quote :
- "I'll make it up to you! Really, I will! I'll buy you something special to show you my gratitude for you and I'll make you whatever you'd like for breakfast to show my devotion! Please? It's all I ask, my love."
Seiran: Yeah, I'm really starting to side with Vincent here.
- Quote :
- His chest heaved as adrenaline surged through his veins as he attempted to catch his breath for just a mere moment.
Seiran: AS IS NOT A COMMA.
- Quote :
- He slowly dressed himself as he rested his arms at his sides, becoming keenly aware of a dull and feeble crinkling sound. An invisible light bulb popped above his cranium as he reached his hand into his right pant pocket, pulling out a crumpled piece of paper. He unfolded it and stared at the letters and numbers beaming up at him as his fingers ran over the imprints and grooves thoughtfully.
Delcat: Sounds like an acid trip. he's feeling sounds and hearing invisible light bulbs.
Seiran: I told you, he's preparing for when he needs braille.
- Quote :
- before crossing onto the yellowed grass that would otherwise be known as the "front yard" of the place.
Seiran: Erin, let's send him a picture book.
Delcat: He'd cry on it.
Seiran: If he could speak English, he might not be in this mess.
Seiran: Or maybe if he could speak
less English.
- Quote :
- When he had discovered the very top, he hesitated, rather unsure of what he should do next. Perhaps he should just wait here and camp out on Jake's front porch until he decided to notice that he was there waiting for him?
Seiran: I am willing to bet this is how he ended up with Vincent.
Delcat: "WTF who are you"
"LOVE MEEEEEEEEEEE"
Seiran: "He followed me home, can I beat the shit out of him?"
- Quote :
- Only the rusted old cars and deteriorating property signified that the brown-haired youth had reached his destination at last.
Delcat: Only he stops to lick them ALL
- Quote :
- The distant sound of a lock being fumbled with caused Devon's body to quiver and shake suddenly, whether this was due to excitement or otherwise, nobody knew except for Devon Kampen himself.
Delcat: God, he's like a cocker spaniel. Jacob's gonna come out and he'll piss himself in an act of submission.
- Quote :
- Devon licked his lips hungrily as his vision greedily captured and treasured just what exactly he was witnessing.
Seiran: STALKER.
Seiran: This paragraph is taking so long he's been standing there staring at Jake for ten minutes.
- Quote :
- "Oh. Yes, certainly. Thank you. However, before I subject myself to doing such, would you mind telling me where your public utility room is?"
"You mean the bathroom?
Seiran: MOST people would call it that.
Seiran: I want a public utility room. I will keep my library books and electricity there.
Delcat: Maybe it's not the fic. maybe it's just HIM.
Seiran: And my Monopoly pieces.
- Quote :
- He tilted his head and looked into the far right corner of the kitchen drawer as a glimmering object caught his eye. A devilish smile sprawled across his lips as he gingerly snatched the large steak knife, holding it close and dear to him as if it were the greatest thing to ever be stumbled upon in all of the history of mankind. He instantly let his thumb travel along the smooth surface of the worn piece of metal, only smiling in a satisfied manner as he felt something warm and sticky ooze down his hand and all the way to his forearm.
Delcat: AND HE LICKS THAT TOO
- Quote :
- "Well, in a nutshell, my boyfriend came home one night, drunk off his rocker. I had made the foolish mistake of partaking to question him just where he had been while he was flaunting a hunting knife he had just purchased for the time being. The only thing I can recall for the most part is him rushing toward me with that lethal blade in hand before it made complete contact with my left eye."
Delcat: SO GAY.
Delcat: He sounds like (pretentious character in RPG I was coding) would if he didn't realize people hit him for it.
- Quote :
- "And Vincent isn't living up to his full promise I'll take it? He's repeatedly hurting you, isn't he?"
"Nonsense. He would never do such a thing to me. He loves me and I love him and that's that. Period."
Seiran: "Except for that OOPSIE WITH THE HUNTING KNIFE."
Seiran: Is it just me or did an alien doppelganger replace Devon en route to Jake's house?
Delcat: Possibly. Or maybe someone just flipped his uke switch off.
- Quote :
- Jake's chest wall which served mainly as a source of protection for one of the body's most vital and precious organs.
Delcat: But also as a tea-table when Vincent felt whimsical.
Seiran: I thought it was like a flesh hanger, for when your shirts aren't on the wire ones.
- Quote :
- So, one day when we were considerably older, about sixteen, I do believe, Vincent confessed his true feelings toward me as our friendship was taken over by the demons of lust and desire.
Seiran: I do believe, I rather say.
Delcat: Jacob: Uh...wow, um...yeah. That...that's great. More coffee?
- Quote :
- blood sprayed everywhere, covering the once beautiful teenager in layers of gore and despair.
Seiran: Jake is more emo than Devon because his blood is 1% despair.
Delcat: Hey, that rhymes.
Seiran: Hey, it does! We're two-thirds of the way to a heavy metal song!
- Quote :
- After the transaction was made, Devon placed his scrawny signature onto the store copy of the receipt before the man behind the counter looked it over, nodding gruffly in approval once everything was to his liking.
Seiran: "Sure, you can buy this gun. It's not like you're covered in blood or anything HEY WAIT A COTTON PICKIN MINUTE."
Seiran: Wow.
Delcat: Wow indeed.
- Quote :
- Devon smirked coldly as Vincent shook and quivered spasmodically on the beige carpeting as blood oozed from the wound in his chest as it poured all over the floor, lapping at his body hungrily.
Seiran: At least he has a solid defense: "Your honor, SOME people would call what I did murder. MOST people would call that crimson essence all over the rug BLOOD."
Delcat: The...the carpet is...licking him?
Seiran: He's going to semantics his way right out of this murder rap.
Seiran: There is far too much inanimate licking going on.
Delcat: Rug Monster:
Ho ho ho.Seiran: Rug Monster and Car Monster planned this with the help of the Knife People.
Seiran: Soon Milk Jug will rule.
Delcat: And the Eye.
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