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 Spock's mind oozes urple prose

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kleine_kat
Sporkbender
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kleine_kat

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 40
Location : Lower Countries

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PostSubject: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptySun Jun 14, 2009 12:48 pm

Hello! Upon entering the shiny new forum, I come bearing Spork! Or Spock, whatever you want.

It's strange; I went to see Star Trek, liked it despite the plot holes, thought Sylar was a terrible Spock...and immediately hounded the net for fanfic. Not knowing where to start without falling neck-deep into old ST fanfic, I tried for FF.net.

I found this. [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Is it godawful? No, but it does make me wish for a dictionary. Those Vulcans, they run so much deeper than you might think! As in MILES deeper! Take, for instance, the echoing depth of Spock's observation of an empty ship.

Quote :

Spock stood, poised on the bridge of the presently unmanned Enterprise, his hands behind his back, his fingers closed around his right wrist. The Electronic devises about the vessel were powered down, sleeping their mechanical sleep behind clean and polished quartz screens. The craft was silent, dark, and tranquil. If he mentally occluded his surroundings he could almost merge his thoughts to the same rhythmic hum that permeated the vessels walls, its inner most core. Even when she was parked, dormant, and awaiting her crew, she was alive.

Translation: Spock was standing on the bridge of the Enterprise, which was for some reason entirely abandoned.

I know, I know, it's not bad, just descriptive. Spock, however, is a secret collector of adjectives.

Quote :

Here, only weeks ago, half his life had dropped away under his feet, he could still smell it; Vulcan choking on its mantle, spitting up its core in acrimonious, infernal expulsions, the last thunder of a dying planet. He could almost taste the acrid stale air as its flesh ripped open to the heavens He could almost visualize the perishing sky collapsing, deflating, plummeting into the ciphered nothingness at its heart.
It was as though his brain, his consciousness had burned, splitting in agony, a billion Vulcan minds screaming out in one voice, emotion, fear, grief, they were spilling out their contents, broken, and falling, naked, vulnerable, fragile... gone. Spock’s entire being rang with their last pleas, their futile cries for a help that would never come. The silence that followed was the longest silence of his life, it was mute, and cold, and empty.

translation: Spock still felt sad after the terrible event of Vulcan collapsing in on itself, taking with it millions of people. Spock's thesaurus, unlike the silence (ever heard of a talkative silence?), is not mute, cold, or empty.

Quote :

Here, standing on the bridge, alone, he recollected those moments with absolute clarity, it ached no less now, he merely coexisted with the unquiet by purging it to a deep and obscured sensation that pulsated with excruciating lucidity.

Wait, what? How? Pulsating sensations? Purging unquiet? Does that include taking laxatives?

Anyway, while Spock is hurling into his obscured sensation, a woman enters the bridge. Spock (whose name is IMPOSSIBLE to type!) throws more adjectives at her.

Quote :

“How is it that you can conciliate yourself with this genocide? With incoherent, desultory, meaningless destruction of a species that annihilated war with pacification?”

I will kill you with hugs!!!
The woman asks him to explain himself, and he garbles out a bit more whiny prose, before wondering what she's doing aboard the Enterprise.

Quote :

Why is it that you are here?” He pressed her, he was aware that beneath the calm and glacial Vulcan expressions rested a deep loss, enclosed in a chrysalis, a consciousness that shared with him the six million deaths of Vulcan.

This Vulcan lady has a caterpillar inside of her. She also communes with the dead, just like Spock. She also explains why she's here.

Quote :

“The Ambassador required it, Commander Spock. He deduced that a second Vulcan crew member on board this federation vessel, may provide you with support. I assumed he was referring to consolation.” She sniffed, raising her chin in a supercilious way.

Buddy up the Vulcans! After dropping her supercillious chin, Spock and the Vulcan woman share some more adjectives, not really saying anything but talking a LOT. Aw hell, I know Vulcans are supposed to be sweet on the vernacular, but this is just impossible to read!

Fellow snarkers, I leave this fic to someone better than me, or at least someone with more patience with complicated, ill-used words dumped on paper by a thesaurus-humping writer. I leave you with this one last quote:

Quote :

She raised an eyebrow, her impassive expression stony and heavy on her lofty countenance. “Are you suggesting that I would feel disdain? Anger enough to confront you? This is incorrect, Commander Spock. You are insinuating that I harbor some...” She paused for half a second searching for the word. “grudge, for something that is unchangeable.”

Lofty countenance? How can you possibly be impassive in a stony AND heavy way when you have a lofty countenance? :redangry: Gaaaahhh...

Have fun with this.
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EileenK98
Recovering Fanbrat
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Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 52
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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptySun Jun 14, 2009 12:55 pm

Note to author: using long words does not make you smart. It makes you someone who knows long words. Period.
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Miraba
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Miraba

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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptySun Jun 14, 2009 8:39 pm

EileenK98 wrote:
Note to author: using long words does not make you smart. It makes you someone who knows long words. Period.
No, it just means they know how to use a dictionary and/or thesaurus.
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Wandering Critic
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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptySun Jun 14, 2009 9:30 pm

EileenK98 wrote:
Note to author: using long words does not make you smart. It makes you someone who knows long words. Period.
Or, in this case, someone who doesn't know long words, but uses them anyway.

Comments heard from the next room:

Quote :

"Maybe the author was bitten by a radioactive thesaurus?"

"This makes me feel like I'm in some sort of pinball machine, being battered back and forth as each new adjective is released."

I've only made it through the first chapter and a bit of the second. Shocked I've been having a hard time catching my breath because I'm laughing so hard. The mental images brought to mind by a literal reading of this catastrophic thesaurus explosion can be side-splittingly hilarious.

This fic could rank with The Eye of Argon as party game material -- I defy anyone to read the whole thing out loud with a straight face, especially after a couple of beers. I can't even start evaluating the main character for Sueage, or the story for making sense, because I'm laughing hysterically at the thesaurus abuse.
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theweirdkind
Bastion of Sanity
Bastion of Sanity
theweirdkind

Join date : 2009-06-03
Age : 30
Location : The Land of Strangeness

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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptySun Jun 14, 2009 9:45 pm

BAHLEETED. Spock's mind oozes urple prose 309696
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Wandering Critic
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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptySun Jun 14, 2009 9:51 pm

Quote :

Story Not Found

Unable to locate story with id of 5130799.

I guess they didn't like my review. Shocked
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theweirdkind
Bastion of Sanity
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theweirdkind

Join date : 2009-06-03
Age : 30
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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptySun Jun 14, 2009 9:55 pm

Wandering Critic wrote:
Quote :

Story Not Found

Unable to locate story with id of 5130799.

I guess they didn't like my review. Shocked
Wow, that was quick. Did you save the review?
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Spotts1701
Chief Cook and Bottle Washer
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Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 41
Location : New Vertiform City

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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptySun Jun 14, 2009 10:04 pm

Apparently to this author, "Spock Speak" means saying a lot of big words but never actually saying anything of substance.

I wonder if it was the same author who wrote that one about Space Nazis attacking the Enterprise that I sporked back on GAFF...

_________________
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Gibbs' Rule #16: If someone thinks they have the upper hand, break it.

"Oh, the equipment's guaranteed, but I have my doubts about the stuff inside." - Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott
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Reepicheep-chan
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Join date : 2009-06-11
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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptyMon Jun 15, 2009 12:48 am

Wandering Critic wrote:
Quote :

Story Not Found

Unable to locate story with id of 5130799.

I guess they didn't like my review. Shocked
You get that a lot, I notice.
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Wandering Critic
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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptyMon Jun 15, 2009 5:15 am

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

You get that a lot, I notice.

Yeah, I know. Crying or Very sad

Yes, I did save the review. I didn't think it was one of my better ones, but if you want it, here it is:

my review wrote:

Three words: BURN YOUR THESAURUS.

It is my assumption that, through embellishing this discourse with aureate and abstruse verbiage regardless of the actual connotations of these recondite expressions, the author is endeavoring to appear extraordinarily erudite. Well, it's not working.

Dear author, you don't look intelligent or educated when you misuse words like "acrimonious" or "unkempt"; you look like you chose words out of your thesaurus under the mistaken belief that they were synonyms for more common words, but without understanding what they actually mean. Words should be chosen because their meaning is the precise one to convey the author's intent, not because they look or sound "edjumcated". I flatter myself by believing that I have a significantly greater vocabulary than the average person, and that I am extremely well-read, yet I'm still trying to puzzle out what you mean by "monochromatic with wavering sentiment" or "purging it to a deep and obscured sensation that pulsated with excruciating lucidity." I'm also still trying to convince myself that this story isn't an elaborate joke. It reminds me more of "The Eye of Argon" than anything meant to be taken seriously.

How on earth can a "faint glow" light something with a "numb whiteness", a phrase which makes me think of a camera flash going off in my face?

And how, by Klono's inox intestines, can Spock tell that someone is exactly 134.6 pounds and 5'11" (which, by the way, produces a BMI verging on anorexic). He's a Vulcan, not a walking tricorder.

Words like "conciliate", "desultory", "incoherent", and "effect" do not mean what you think they mean. Try using words you understand. Burn it. Now.

"She turned quite suddenly, returning back to the lift and stepping inside the blanched light till her slender form silhouetted the bridge." Say WHAT? "Returning back to" is redundant and duplicative. "Blanched light" makes no sense, at least not in this context. "Silhouetted the bridge" seems to confuse subject and object, which you've done a number of other times.

Do I even want to know how someone can say something "in a[n] abstinent tone"? I'm imagining Tom Swifties here ... "I'm a virgin," Tom stated in an abstinent tone.

Oh, and she's a Starfleet officer. She'd introduce herself by her rank.

Please see my website (link in profile) regarding the proper way to punctuate dialog. In fact, read the whole punctuation section; you need it. Then go find my blog (link also in profile) and read the post entitled "The Thesaurus: Friend or Foe?"

I'm still trying to figure out if this story is meant to be serious, or if it's a particularly elaborate troll. The fact that the author's account was registered only a few days ago makes me lean towards the latter. If so, congratulations, O Troll! You got me to read it, and I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

This might be worth a blog post (I saved the story, too). Maybe several. I could probably base a whole post off the "abstinent tone" thing. I still can't read that without giggling. "I am not shagging your daughter," Tom said in an abstinent tone.
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kleine_kat
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kleine_kat

Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 40
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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptyMon Jun 15, 2009 7:14 am

For me it's still the
Quote :
he recollected those moments with absolute clarity, it ached no less
now, he merely coexisted with the unquiet by purging it to a deep and
obscured sensation that pulsated with excruciating lucidity.
part that makes me grin and sigh at the same time.

And apparently the Vulcan woman IS a Sue, I browsed through the reviews if not the other chapters, and found several complaints she was.
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Braigwen
Why yes, I am a Rocket Scientist!
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Join date : 2009-06-14
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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptyMon Jun 15, 2009 10:45 am

I believe he or she was trying to use the word Obstinate. However the Thesarus has out witted this particular individual quite soundly.

If'n ya don' know what that wurd meens...ya end up sound'n like an igit.
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Wandering Critic
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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptyMon Jun 15, 2009 11:48 am

I think the author was going for some variant on "dark" (because the simple, common word "dark" just didn't sound edjumcated enough) and picked "obscured" out of the thesaurus. It's listed under that entry in mine. The problem with all of this comes about because the ill-educated think that the words listed in a thesaurus have the identical meaning, rather than related meanings, and are therefore interchangeable.

Also because fanbrats are idiots.
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Wandering Critic
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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptyTue Jun 16, 2009 4:20 pm

You can thank this author for one thing, at least: I've actually updated my blog. Not one of my better posts, but if you want further commentary on this really remarkable abuse of the English language, that's where to look.
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Reepicheep-chan
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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptyTue Jun 16, 2009 9:35 pm

Wandering Critic wrote:
You can thank this author for one thing, at least: I've actually updated my blog. Not one of my better posts, but if you want further commentary on this really remarkable abuse of the English language, that's where to look.
Glad to hear, I like your blog entries.
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Melissa
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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptyWed Jun 17, 2009 2:26 pm

For a moment there, I thought the author was going to rip off Star Wars with the "a million voices cried out in pain and were suddenly silenced". Forgive me if that's not the exact quote, it's been a while since I've seen A New Hope.
It's not often you see full Vulcan Sues. Usually, they're half, quarter, sixteenth, whatever.
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Wandering Critic
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PostSubject: Re: Spock's mind oozes urple prose   Spock's mind oozes urple prose EmptyWed Jun 17, 2009 3:49 pm

Well, the only indication that M'Sue is a full Vulcan is the author telling us so. Going by the way she acts, she's a snotty human teenager. So on that basis, I don't think she really counts as a full Vulcan Sue, just your garden-variety Sue with cheap plastic ears.
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