Won't you give me something to barf in? (a True Blood fic)

Alright, back to True Blood for me! There's gotta be a ton of EricxOC stories... and yeap, fifteen stories in, there's a horrible one.

something to believe in: this is my first fan fic. please be nice, im so nervous right now

Why, thanks for sharing that author! Since this is your first fan fiction, this is also the first snark of your fan fiction, huzzah!

We start out wiiiiiith... A TEXT BLOCK OF DOOM!

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My mom killed my dad shes in prison now. My mom is very weird thinking someone or something is out to get her im surprised they didn't put her in a nut house. Well back to me now

It's always me, me, me.

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don't even look my age, im 19 short pixie like people think in anorexic because im really skinny but little did they know I eat like 300 pound man im brown-skinned with pretty long black hair, not all black girls have bad hair , I have hazel eyes and a cute little nose that everyone goes crazy over.

Take a breath, woman! Man, I'm just skimming this and I'm outta breath!

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He's jealous of my boss Eric for some reason, he thinks Eric is going to take me away and I'll become some kind of slut fangbanger.

And that would be different than all the other people who lust after Eric how?

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Well its about 7:15 and I got work in about an hour at the vampire orgy club fangtasia and I have a feeling this is going to be one long night.

Why do I get the feeling this is some gal's livejournal in the television series?

The big controversy/conflict so far? "What do I wear for work?!" Yes, that's right, she's having a fashion crisis! OMG!

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It was 7:30 now and I had to be to work at eight, I had three outfits out. The first was a strapless dress, the top was white and the bottom was black with some white flats. I couldn't walk in heels good. The second outfit is a pretty dark green dress with flowers at the bottom with some black and white low top converses, the outfit wasn't really club like but I still liked it. I wasn't impressing anyone, the third was a regular black t-shirt and some light blue skinny jeans with some kind of sneakers from urban outfitters.

Call the fashion police! Especially if she's gonna be working in a bar... wearing a dress? Wait, call the common sense police... there we go.

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Well I had no choice, I couldn't argue with her because I didn't want to be late for work Pam would let me slide cause she thinks in cute but not Eric and I did not want to piss him off.

He thought decidedly uncute thoughts.

Armed in her slut dress for the evening, she runs into her boyfriend who had come over to take her to work. He's OMG jealous! of Eric, and gets angry she's wearing a dress to work, and heels. Honestly, it sounds to me as if he's wearing the common sense pants in the family.

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“ so what time to you get off?” he asked me
“about 2:30” I replied back.
“why so late” Jeff said looking at me.

Then again... maybe not.

She gets to work, and Pam checks her out. THEN! ZOMG some English guy checks her out! Who could this be?!

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“listen here sweetheart your gonna come with me let me fuck your brains out and feed on you” he was trying to glamour me but it was no use.

Oh ho ho! Those English guys... such charmers.

Eric steps in at this moment, saying that she can't be glamored, which is just not a surprise at this point. It also switches to Eric's POV.

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This didn't sit well with me I wanted to rip him apart for touching her but I couldn't let anyone figured out that I was attracted to her. I know the other waitresses would be jealous if they found out and that I was only using them.

Uh, Eric? They probably know that already. For a thousand year old vampire, you are incredibly dense.

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[the gift she gave Eric] was gold and had diamonds on it. It didn't really suit me, it was ugly. I decided to let her down easily “ I just get back to work” I told before turning around and sitting on my throne.

I had a monster crap to poop out.

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I was watching Annabelle taking vampire and humans orders, I wanted to know more about her, the only thing I knew was she is 19 attends Bon Temps University , and has a jealous boyfriend.

Wait, she's 19 and working in a bar? BUSTED!

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Pam was attracted to her too, she was more of Pam's type than mines but I couldn't help myself she was so mysterious and smelled so sweet.

She was mysterious... terribly mysterious! And she could cut guns in half with her mind!

*skims ahead* Good lord, there's four more chapters of this dookie? I'll get the rest of this later... eeesh.

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Bon Temps University

Bon Temps isn't big enough to have a university. They're barely big enough to have a Wal-Mart.

Yeah, just one of the many inconsistencies with canon.

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My mom killed my dad shes in prison now. My mom is very weird thinking someone or something is out to get her im surprised they didn't put her in a nut house. Well back to me now

It's always me, me, me.

My, gosh! I hate when that happens. I mean, like. My died and shit. Like, I have to tell you, k'know. But then, I like, have no time to talk about myself. I mean, my Father's only dead, right? Its not like its gonna affect me or anything thing, y'know. Gosh, it really, like pisses me off when they have to be the center of everything. Like, fuck. They only raised me, fed me, and like, took care of me. No biggie, y'know. 'Sides, that fucker had it coming. Like, gosh. they are so, what's that word? It, like, starts with an 'M'? Oh, yeah. Narcissitic. I got it. Anyways, see?! They are always getting the attention! I mean, my mum only, like killed my dad. She didn't get any blood on my new pumps. Which, BTW, FYI, are totally, like, amazing. But I think think they make my butt look big. Ugh. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Don't cha wish we all could be this apathedic when our mum goes off and kills our father? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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don't even look my age, im 19 short pixie like people think in anorexic because im really skinny but little did they know I eat like 300 pound man im brown-skinned with pretty long black hair, not all black girls have bad hair , I have hazel eyes and a cute little nose that everyone goes crazy over.

Take a breath, woman! Man, I'm just skimming this and I'm outta breath!

Yeah, 'cause, anorexia is the new turn on, yo. I just love it when a I can see a chicks ribs. Fuck...! Always turns me on! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

don't even look my age, im 19 short pixie like people think in anorexic
because im really skinny but little did they know I eat like 300 pound
man im brown-skinned with pretty long black hair, not all black girls
have bad hair , I have hazel eyes and a cute little nose that everyone
goes crazy over.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]