By the blood of a Vampanese! It's time for Twilight Junior with Cirque du Freak: The Darren Shan Saga

Is it wrong that I want to write the company that made FF VII and tell them somebody's ripping off their property? Because you're not going to convince me that whoever wrote this just magically came up with the idea of little people with capes called tonberries on their own.

Rabid Badger wrote:

the company that made FF VII

Squaresoft, or Square Enix now. And no, it's perfectly fine.

Well, look who else found out about the saga!

Roger Ebert wrote:

"Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant" includes good Vampires, evil
Vampanese, a Wolf-Man, a Bearded Lady, a Monkey Girl with a long tail,
a Snake Boy, a dwarf with a 4-foot forehead and a spider the size of
your shoe, and they're all boring as hell.

Quote :

There is a mannered giant named Mr. Tiny (Michael Cerveris), who has
flaming gay affectations for no purpose, since anyone who can evoke
purple gas to shrink humans into living mummies already has, you would
think, sufficient interest.

Quote :

All of this gruesome grotesquerie is incredibly wrapped up into a story
that grunts and groans and laboriously offers up a Moral at the film's
end, which is, and I quote: "It's not about what you are, it's about
who you are." I could have told you that.

Zeiss Manifold wrote:

Well, look who else found out about the saga!

Roger Ebert wrote:

"Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant" includes good Vampires, evil
Vampanese, a Wolf-Man, a Bearded Lady, a Monkey Girl with a long tail,
a Snake Boy, a dwarf with a 4-foot forehead and a spider the size of
your shoe, and they're all boring as hell.

Quote :

There is a mannered giant named Mr. Tiny (Michael Cerveris), who has
flaming gay affectations for no purpose, since anyone who can evoke
purple gas to shrink humans into living mummies already has, you would
think, sufficient interest.

Quote :

All of this gruesome grotesquerie is incredibly wrapped up into a story
that grunts and groans and laboriously offers up a Moral at the film's
end, which is, and I quote: "It's not about what you are, it's about
who you are." I could have told you that.

Ah. I love Roger Ebert when he's snarky. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I actually saw the trailer for the movie last night, and couldn't explain to my sons why I was laughing hysterically while watching it, because that would involve explaining Del and Zeiss's MSTing of it, and I really don't think they'd understand.

I took a look at Rotten Tomatoes, and even the quotes from the supposedly positive reviews tend to be lukewarm. My guess is that only one film will get made for the series, and that if there's much fanfiction from it they'll all be continuation fics by authors who don't realise it's based on a book series.

Seeing the "Twilight Junior" bit in the post title made me wonder whether someone will do a Twilight cartoon at some point, with Edward and Bella de-aged and the plot made even more limp so it can be shown to 8 year olds. They used to do that kind of thing a lot, and sometimes it did produce something watchable, like the old Beetlejuice cartoon. Of course it was more likely to produce crap like the Rambo cartoon.

This book series is an absolute travesty. A rape of our dear lady English. A almost want to apologise to our gorgeous language on behalf of the author.

I'm unfortunately picturing a bunch of fangirls going "THEY CHANGED IT NOW IT SUCKS" about the movie, in complete ignorance to the fact that it has, in fact, ALWAYS sucked.

(Badge...baby...honey...it was a joke. They are not actually called Tonberries. If they were, I would be throwing a MUCH bigger shit fit.)


[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

What more can I say? Zeiss, this one's for you.

In true R.L. Stine style, the cliffhanger immediately devolves into a random hippie grabbing Darren's shoulder. Immediately regretting scaring the little pussy, he contritely offers our hero a nickel bag.

Quote :

I sat up and rubbed my elbow. "I'm okay," I said.

"You're sure? It ain't broken, is it? I've got herbs that can help, if it is."

"Herbs can't fix broken bones," Sam said. He was now standing beside Evra.

"They sure can't," the stranger agreed, "but they can elevate you to planes of consciousness where
worldly concerns like broken bones are nothing but minor blips on the cosmic map." He paused and
stroked his beard. "Of course, they burn out your brain cells, too …"

Sam's blank face showed that even he didn't understand that long sentence.

Oh hey, it's my art teacher. Hi Joe!

Quote :

"I'm okay," I said again. I stood up and rotated my arm. "I just twisted it. It'll be fine in a couple of
minutes."

"Man, that's good to hear," the stranger said. "I'd hate to be the cause of bodily harm. Hurt's a bad trip,
man."

I studied him in more detail. He was big and chubby, with a bushy black beard and long, scraggly hair.
His clothes were dirty and there was no way he'd had a bath recently, because he stank to high heaven.
That's what the strange smell had been. He was really friendly looking; it made me feel stupid thinking
about how afraid of him I'd been.

Oh, no, it's a /b/tard. Hi /b/tard! Darren, that fear was not as ill-founded as you think...

Potential suspense lazily dispersed, the man asks where the boys are from, and Sam tells him about the circus. Anonymous states that he never passes up "a chance to see clowns in action", proving that either he doesn't know what clowns are or that he is in fact about as human as the Tonberries, and is mildly disappointed when he's corrected. Once told about the freakshow, however, he proceeds to gawp at Evra like a family of Kentucky hillfolk on Washin' Machine Day.

Quote :

The man stared at Sam, then at Evra, whose scales and color pretty much marked him
out as one of the performers. "Are you part of a freak show, man?" he asked.

Evra nodded shyly.

"They don't mistreat you, do they?" the man asked. "They don't whip you or under-feed you or make
you do things you don't want to?"

"No." Evra shook his head.

"You're there of your own free will?"

"Yes," Evra said. "All of us are. It's our home."

Anonymous: That's not sexy at all. MOAR POOPER.
Evra: You know, I get that a lot.

Anonymous introduces himself as R.V., which shall hereby be changed to Party Van. Why Party Va--er, R.V.?

Quote :

He coughed with embarrassment. "Well," he said, lowering his voice to a whisper, "it's short for Reggie
Veggie."

"Reggie Veggie?" I laughed.

"Yeah," he said. "Reggie's my real name. Reggie Veggie's what they called me in school, because I'm a
vegetarian. Well, I never liked that, so I asked them to call me R.V. instead. Some did, but not many."
He looked miserable at the memory. "You can call me Reggie Veggie if you want," he told us.

Darren: Nah, that's okay.
Party Van: Oh, thank God! It affected me so badly, you don't even know, I still have crippling emotional trauma from--
Darren: We were planning on calling you "Dickweed McGraw" anyhow.
Party Van: :<

Quote :

"Evra Von."

"Evra Von what?" R.V. asked, as I had when I first met Evra.

"Just plain Von," Evra said.

You know the trick with a running joke, author? It has to be funny the first time.

Unsurprisingly, Party Van turns out to be running with the ecowarriors, because hippies are exactly the same as they stereotypically were in the sixties, and haven't changed in style, creed, or general hygiene at all. There's about a page of Captain Planet dogma about "crappy things being done to Mother Nature" and "greedy, dangerous humans" and something about a road almost being built through an ancient burial ground. Hey, Party Van, wasn't that burial ground unspoiled nature before some greedy, dangerous humans were selfish enough to bury their dead in it?

The boys are remarkably receptive to Party Van's spiel, making me suspect he shared a particular green, leafy part of nature with them beforehand, and he takes them to tour his camp. It consists of filthy shrub huts with slightly less filthy inhabitants.

Quote :

"How did you stop the road from being built?" Sam asked.

"We dug tunnels under the land," R.V. said. "And we sabotaged the machines they sent in. And we
alerted the media. Rich dudes hate having cameras pointed at them. One TV news crew is as good as
twenty active warriors."

Evra asked R.V. if they ever fought hand to hand. R.V. said NOP didn't believe in violent confrontation,
but we could see from the look on his face that he wasn't happy about that. "If I had my way," he said,
"we'd give as good as we got. We're too nice sometimes. Man, if I was in charge, we'd give those
turkeys a taste of hell!"

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that when I went to set the clocks back, I overshot by fifty years.

They stay for lunch, including "big, oddly colored" mushrooms which Party Van says they're too young to eat (no, seriously, it's in there) and then bid Green Peace Lite goodbye. The boys chat for a bit about how hardcore you have to be to be an ecowarrior, even if they do reek of stale grease and misplaced righteous indignation, then head back to the cirque, Darren first dashing behind a bush to dump a steaming load of cliffhanger:

Quote :

None of us had any idea of the trouble the nice ecowarrior would soon create … or the tragedy he would
unintentionally cause.

Mr. T: Cheese it, guys! The fuzz just shook down the camp next door and they're headed this way!
Hans Hands: Oh fuck oh fuck we gotta get ridda this shit! Can Twobellies take it?
Gertha Teeth: No good, we managed to get 1,782 condoms down him and then they started snapping! It's a bad scene, dude, I never seen that much vomit ever in my life!
Evra: Guys, I think I AM a controlled substance!
Crepsley: IF ANYONE ASKS YOU'RE EIGHTEEN
Darren: OKAY VAMPIRE DADDAY

A few days pass uneventfully, with Darren trying unsuccessfully to talk to the Tonberries or tell them apart. Then Cormac Limbs shows up to great fanfare, because limb-based freaks are in such short supply.

Quote :

There was already a large crowd around Cormac when we arrived at Mr. Tall's van (where he reported
in to). People were slapping him on the back and asking what he'd been up to and where he'd been. He
smiled at everybody, shook hands, and answered questions. He might have been a star, but he wasn't
big-headed.

No, that's Bobby Hydrocephaly's job. He, uh...he doesn't really have an act, per se, he just lies on the stage and wheezes and cries until people feel uncomfortable enough to throw large sums of money to make him leave.

He greets Evra warmly, and Evra promises his skin when he sheds it, supposedly because it's "worth more than gold in some countries", but actually because he likes to cry into it at night as he furtively masturbates and thinks of his mother. Surprised and pleased to see a new face, he decides to go through his act for Darren, and things get...well, I would say "weird", but we're used to this by now, aren't we?

Quote :

He made his right hand into a fist, then stuck out his index finger. "Darren, will you put this finger in your
mouth?" he asked.

I glanced at Evra, who signaled for me to do what Cormac asked.

"Now," Cormac said, "bite down on it, please."

I bit softly.

"Harder," Cormac said.

I bit slightly harder.

"Come on, boy," Cormac shouted. "Put some backbone into it. Work those jaws. Are you a shark or a
mouse?"

Cormac: YOU ARE RUINING IT FOR ME! BITE IT HARD AND CALL ME A NAUGHTY LITTLE BOY!
Darren: BUT MR. CREPSLEY SAYS THAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GET FIVE ACROSS THE EYES!

Thankfully, all that happens is that Darren bites it clean off and it grows back...God, who'd have thought I'd ever put that down as a positive outcome? The discarded digit quickly dissolves into gray mold, simultaneously disqualifying him from a job as life-saving tissue donor and making those of us who immediately saw the disturbing lemon potential heave a sigh of relief.

Quote :

"I should have learned by now to expect the unexpected around here. Can I
feel the new finger?" He nodded. It didn't feel different from any of the others. "How do you do it?" I
asked, amazed. "It is an illusion?"

"No illusion," he said. "It's why they call me Cormac Limbs. I've been able to grow new limbs —
fingers, toes, arms, legs — ever since I was a toddler. My parents discovered my talent when I had an
accident with a kitchen knife and cut off part of my nose.

Cormac: It was actually a very traumatic experience, so I am going to ask you to please, please not ask me if--
Darren: HURRRRRR DID YOU DO IT TO SPITE YOUR FACE?
Cormac: --yes thank you, I've never heard that before, hilarious. Why don't you bite on this finger next?

Quote :

"Doesn't it hurt?" I asked.

"A little," he said, "but not much. When one of my limbs gets cut off, a new one starts to grow almost
immediately, so there's only a second or two of pain. It's a little like —"

"Come, come!" Mr. Tall bellowed, cutting him short. "We don't have time for detailed description. This
show has been idle far too long. It's time we entertained the public again, before they forget about us or
think we've retired.

"People," he shouted to the crowd, and clapped his hands together. "Spread the word. The lull is over.
The show goes on tonight!"

Cormac: Jeez, you kind of...you kind of, you know, shut me down there.
Mr. T: Yeah, so?
Cormac: So I was saying something. It was impolite.
Mr. T: Look, the only way the plot gets around in this series is if someone shoves a pregnant cue line up its arse and gives it a spin. It's nothing personal, you know that.
Cormac: Fine, whatever. I'll be in my room, sniffing Evra.
Evra: Being a controlled substance sucks :<


Next time: Excitement? Intrigue? More lovingly detailed vore scenes? Everything in possible at the midnight show!

So the boys haul ass for the rest of the day and the better part of a page setting up for the show. Mr. Tall gives him free tickets for Sam and Party Van, which he ~*psychically*~ knew Darren would want did we mention he's ~*psychic*~ and shit. He spends some time stacking souvenirs, including a fresh model for Cormac Limbs.

Quote :

When you cut a part of it off, a new piece grew in its place. I asked Mags how it worked but she didn't
know.

"It's one of Mr. Tall's inventions," she said. "He makes a lot of this stuff himself."

I chopped the head off the model and tried peering down the neck to see what was inside, but a new
head grew before I could.

"The models don't last forever," Mags said. "They rot after a few months."

"Do you tell people that when they're buying them?" I asked.

"Of course," she said. "Mr. Tall insists we let the customers know exactly what they're buying. He
doesn't approve of conning people."

Mags: The fact that they're made of unborn goat fetuses and powered by the sacrificed souls of Protestant children is on a need-to-know basis, though.
Darren: I thought you said you didn't know how they worked D:
Mags: I don't, and now you don't either. Got it?
Darren: ...no? :D
Mags: Didn't think you would. Crepsley, time to kick your kid in the head until he forgets trade secrets!
Crepsley: Ugh, again?

Crepsley informs Darren that he's going to be assisting him with his act, playing the flute for Madam Octa while she does her vore bit. Gee, this couldn't go badly...or at least worse than it did LAST TIME DO YOU REMEMBER THAT CREPSLEY. There's yet another mention made of the fact that Darren hasn't had human blood yet, and with that foreshadowing out of the way, the show gets on the road to make way for more foreshadowing.

Quote :

There was a loud, angry gasp when Madam Octa killed the goat … it came from R.V. I knew then that
I shouldn't have invited him — I'd forgotten how fond he was of animals — but it was too late to take
back my invitation.

Quickly, Darren, launch yourself bodily into the audience and drag him out of the theatre! Throw Madam Octa at him! Release the wolfman! Anything to stop the deadly bouncing of the Idiot Ball!

There's a very brief moment of "suspense" in which Darren considers killing Crepsley off by fluting improperly, but he decides against it--maybe because Mr. Tall might know he killed him, maybe because he needed Crepsley to survive, maybe because he was starting to like him, or maybe because it was an obviously staged play for interest. This turns out to be for the best, since Crepsley milked her beforehand (so much with the milking, this book) and was testing him.

Quote :

"I had to know," he said. "I had to know if I could rely on you."

"Well, listen to this," I growled, standing on my toes so I could go eyeball to eyeball with him. "Your test
was useless. I didn't kill you this time, but if I ever get the chance again, I'll take it!"

I stormed off without another word, too upset to stick around to see Cormac Limbs or the end of the
show, feeling betrayed, even though deep down I knew what he said made sense.

Darren: How dare you wisely protect yourself from my homicidal inclinations! I'm going to go baaaaaw in a corner!
Crepsley: Have a nice time, honey.

The next day, Darren catches up with Evra. He mentions that Party Van is causing trouble, for the people who couldn't decipher the cryptic hints dropped by the last cliffhanger.

Quote :

I said we bought the goat from a butcher, so it would have been
killed anyway. It was the wolf-man, the snake, and Mr. Crepsley's spider that bothered him the most."

"What was wrong with them?" I asked.

"He was afraid they weren't being treated right. He didn't like the idea of them being locked in cages. I
told him they weren't, except for the spider. I said the wolf-man was really quiet offstage. And I showed
him my snake and how she slept with me."

Evra: Then he started screaming "YIFF IN HELL FURFAG" and being incredibly rude. He doesn't understand the love we share :<

Evra tells Darren that Party Van seemed satisfied, but was very interested in their feeding habits. HE IS GOING TO FREE TEH WOOFIES, YOU DUMB FUCK, PAY ATTENTION.

Anyway, with the "Even freaks of nature and the undead are better than PETArds" moral hammered home, Darren is summoned to Crepsley's van. ...let me check here...no, can't touch that one, I'm out of Pedobear stamps for the week, sorry. Curse this economy.

Quote :

"What do you want?" I snapped when I arrived.

"Stand over here, where I can see you better," the vampire said.

He tilted my head backward with his bony fingers and rolled up my eyelids to check the whites of my
eyes. He told me to open my mouth and peered down my throat. Then he checked my pulse and
reflexes.

Then he looks at his teeth, and then he kicks his tires, and then he checks his underbelly for fin rot. Finally, he decides the young vampire is ready for market.

It's pounded in again that Darren needs to drink human blood, and then Crepsley gives him a piggyback ride to visit a mysterious "friend". Meanwhile, Darren frets about clothes.

Quote :

I didn't really pay attention to where we were going. I was more concerned with my suit. I'd forgotten to
get new clothes, and now, the more I examined it, the worse the suit seemed.

There were dozens of small holes and rips, and the color was a lot grayer than it was supposed to be,
because of the dirt and dust. Strands of thread and fibers had come loose, and every time I shook an arm
or a leg I looked like I was shedding hairs.

Darren: Hey, wait, I am shedding hairs! What gives?
Crepsley: Oh, it's just vampire shedding season. It only lasts a few weeks, then you'll start getting your new coat in.
Darren: I guess that isn't too bad.
Crepsley: And then you'll need to molt your exoskeleton.
Darren: BUT I NEED THAT TO EXO WITH

Quote :

After a while we approached a city and Mr. Crepsley slowed down. He stopped outside the back of a
tall building. I wanted to ask where we were, but he put a finger to his lips and made the sign for silence.
The back door was locked but Mr. Crepsley laid a hand over it and clicked the fingers of his other
hand. It opened instantly. He led the way through a long, dark corridor, then up a set of stairs and into a
brightly lit hallway.

After a few minutes, we came to a white desk. Mr. Crepsley looked around to make sure we were
alone, then rang the bell that hung from one of the walls.

A figure appeared behind the glass wall on the other side of the desk. The door in the glass wall opened and a brown-haired man in a white uniform and green mask stepped through. He looked like a doctor.

Darren: Uh, what's all this about?
Crepsley: Well, Darren, the truth is, you're vampire pregnant and I'm not ready to be a vampire father, so we're getting you a vampire abortion.
Darren: BUT BUT BUT
Crepsley: Look, your alternatives are a vampire coathanger or a vampire set of stairs. It's too late for the vampire after pill.
Doctor: Cheer up, I'll give you a vampire lollypop and a prescription for vampire antibiotics afterward.

The doctor turns out to be Jimmy Ovo, a pathologist and possibly an egg cell. Yeah, we know where this is going. I refuse to make any blood bank jokes, I'm sorry.

Quote :

I was nervous. I expected to see dozens of tables piled high with sliced-open bodies. But it wasn't like
that. There was one dead body, covered from head to toe with a long sheet, but that was the only one I
could see. Otherwise it was a huge, well-lit room, with big filing cabinets built in the walls and lots of
medical equipment scattered around the place.

Darren: Shouldn't you have...you know...morgue cabinets instead of...
Ovo: Oh, this is much more organized. See, this new fellow goes under "C", for "Cirrhosis", but can be cross-referenced under "S", for "the Syph".
Darren: How do you cross-reference a dead body?
Ovo: With a band saw :D
Darren: I think I wanna go home now.

The men talk about someone called "Gavner Purl", who I am led to believe is important at some point, while Darren realizes that their are bodies in them thar cabinets, because he's a gorram moron. Turns out that Crepsley has come by to top off his emergency blood supply off the dead dudes, which Darren claims is "unfair". This is mysterious, as they aren't using it, whereas living people are. He probably just thinks it's icky, the little pussy.

Quote :

Mr. Crepsley made a long, deep cut across the man's chest, baring his heart. He arranged the bottles
beside the corpse, then got out a tube and stuck one end into the first of the bottles. He stuck the other
end into the dead man's heart, then wrapped his fist around the organ and squeezed it like a pump.

Blood crept slowly along the tube and into the bottle.

Meanwhile, in CSI...
Nick: I...I've never seen anything like it before.
Sarah: Is...is he crying?
Grissom: There has been a disturbance in the forensics.

Eye-gouging dead person fail aside, Crepsley tells Darren to take a drag, but he refuses because he is, as aforementioned, a little pussy. He continues whining about it, Crepsley continues berating him about it, and Ovo wonders out loud if the honeymoon is over. Darren refuses again to drink blood, because there ain't no gettin' offa this Ill-Fated Happenstance Train we're on.

Quote :

Mr. Crepsley didn't say anything the whole way home, and when we arrived back at the Cirque Du
Freak, he tossed me angrily to one side and pointed a finger at me.

"If you die," he said, "it is not my fault."

"Okay," I replied.

"Stupid boy," he grumbled, then stormed off to his coffin.

Darren: Words hurt, you know :<
Crepsley: No, that's your neck. I did throw you against the wall.
Darren: Oh yeah |B

Quote :

What should I do? That was the question that kept me awake long after the sun rose. What should I do?
Forget about it and just drink human blood? Or stay true to my humanity and …die?

Can we, the audience decide? Pleeeeease?


Next time: Will the "Vote for Darren Shan to Stay True to His Humanity and Die" telethon make it? Stay tuned!