Fundamentalist Christian at Hogwarts

Can it work? And I don't mean as a parody, but as serious treatment of what might happen if a child born into a very religious family turned out to be a Muggleborn.

Written two chapters so far and plan to cover all seven years of schooling, though in a much much briefer fashion than Rowling does.

(Alternate account just in case I piss someone off.)

Also, one thing that would be much appreciated: pointers on sounding British.

Well, I've had a look. I don't have the focus to write a proper review right now, but I will say I enjoyed what you've written so far, and I hope you continue it.

Excellent concept. Two things I did notice were your misspelling of stairs as "stares" and the fact that cookies are biscuits in England, although perhaps a genuine Brit could tell you if there are ever any exceptions to that.

From what I could tell, if you're talking about something like Chips Ahoy then they're called cookies. (Any Brits, feel free to dispute that!)

I'm British, and as far as I know things like chocolate chip cookies are called cookies here. Rich Teas, Digestives, Hobnobs etc. are called biscuits. Cookie Crisp cereal is sold in Britain as well as America, so the word cookie isn't unheard of here.

I suspect that there's a distinction between cookies and biscuits but I'm not sure exactly what it is, possibly whether or not chocolate chips are involved? I looked up Chips Ahoy and those are something I would personally call cookies.

Disclaimer: the names/words used by my family and used as far as I can remember by friends, acquaintances and other people I've met/talked to obviously don't represent what everybody in Britain calls or does not call cookies, biscuits et cetera. However, from what I can tell the word cookie is used in Britain, at least by some people, to refer to chocolate chip cookies and possibly some other varieties of cookie.

Hope that helped.

Basically, biscuits is the generic word and cookies are a specific type of biscuit (the crumbly textured one with chocolate chips or raisins in).

This is definitely an intriguing idea. Some of the language is a tiny bit choppy, but I think setting yourself up with the right beta would smooth everything out. You did a good job of drawing me in and I'd love to see you continue with it. I've never really read anything close to this idea, and we all know how hard it is to find original and interesting fanfiction, especially in the Potterverse.

(Second chapter, first paragraph, last line, you wrote "End the end" instead of "In the end". Thought I'd point that out.)

Grah, yeah, I should have waited but my regular Beta's not been on the past two days. Thanks for commenting, though.

Though it's actually not an original idea. It's been done before. Badly.

Ha, I know what you mean. When I write something, I want to post it immediately.
Ugh, well, we won't mention that one again. I couldn't get past the second chapter. The reviews alone made me want to punch something.

It's almost enough to make me want to rewrite some badfic myself.

So far, so good. There's room for improvement, but I can't quite put my fingers on "what I'd rather read". Perhaps it's her parents, mild-mannered and reasonable in spite of their fundie-ness?

fishstickhater wrote:

It's almost enough to make me want to rewrite some badfic myself.

You know you want to... You know you can... Fulfill your destiny and come... over... to... the... Dark... Side... *cackles maniacally*

This is a very nice start.

The parents aren't coming over as particularly Christian-fundie, though, just narrow-minded.

On the Brit-picking side:

Chapter 1:
* Do you want the narrator to sound English? She's using a lot of Americanisms, such as "garbage", "trashcan", "Mom" and "vacation" instead of "rubbish", "dustbin", "Mum" and "holiday". I'm not especially bothered by these, but they do make it sound as if Michelle is American.
* I agree with the definition of 'cookies' as being crumbly biscuits usually containing bits of chocolate or nuts.

Chapter 2:
* you refer to the postman putting post into "our box", which Michelle then takes inside. In the UK, we don't have external mailboxes - our post is delivered through slots in the front door called "letterboxes". Some blocks of flats might have mail-lockers on the ground floor, where residents can pick up their post, but these would still be inside the building.
* If Michelle's birthday is on July 11th, she would still be at school. The start of the summer holiday varies by a few days between the various education authorities, but always starts around the last week of July.
* Aunt Amanda refers to "yardwork" - here, we say "gardening". Likewise, it's a "garden", not a "yard". A domestic yard is usually a concreted area where the dustbins are kept.

I've added the story to my Alerts list, and I hope you continue with it.

I didn't want to have Michelle's parents come across as too crazy at the start. I think people descending into hysterics has more impact if you see them being normal first.

Also thanks for the Britpicking!
As far as schooling goes, Michelle goes to an independent (fictional) school for ages 10-18 that gets out in late June, something that she likes to rub in Rupert's face since he's in school until late July.

Chaltab wrote:

I didn't want to have Michelle's parents come across as too crazy at the start. I think people descending into hysterics has more impact if you see them being normal first.

Also thanks for the Britpicking!

Another one Dixie missed. In chapter two you've got a "Fall Term", fall is only ever called Autumn. And couches are more usually called settees or sofas.

Okay, I've decided that Michelle marries an American wizard and gets used to his terms. That's my handwave for my woeful British vocabulary.

One more small pick. It was mentioned in the books that Muggleborns usually have someone from the school go to explain things to the family because any Muggle, no matter their beliefs, would think that an invitation to a school of witchcraft would be someone's idea of a joke. Also, the person would make an attempt (not always a good one) to dress like a Muggle. Though the book described his suit as "flamboyant" when he called on Tom Riddle, by now, Dumbledore has probably figured out how to pass himself off as a Muggle.
Suggestion inspired by the movies: Maybe Michelle finds that some of her doodles start moving around on the page.
I completely agree with you on the characterization of Michelle's parents. Many fundamentalists may think their child is a precious gift from God, until the kid turns out to be gay or pregnant (and unmarried) or an atheist or whatever else they don't like.

Chaltab wrote:

Okay, I've decided that Michelle marries an American wizard and gets used to his terms. That's my handwave for my woeful British vocabulary.

Good idea.

Finished Ch. Three.

Looking good, Chaltab! I was afraid you had forgotten about it.

I'm no fan of Harry Potter--so I would've never imagined that my first post (on this message board, or all places [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]) would be praising a Harry Potter fic.

I think you're doing a really excellent job. This is exactly the type of family that I grew up in, and I think you're handling the parents' (and Michelle's) reactions very reasonably. You don't seem to be trying to convert anyone (which is always an issue when these types of fics are written), and it doesn't seem to be a self-insert (another issue that often crops up). Over-all, I think you're writing it all in a very realistic manner, and the writing style is (in my opinion) far more intersting than Rowling's. So keep up the good work! I look forward to reading more of this. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Out of curiosity, I assume you were raised fundie? Are you basing this around personal experience, or something else?

Oh hai there. I've not forgotten about this.

Chapter Four

Chapter Five