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 Hogwarts Exposed et al.

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Cadbury Egg

Cadbury Egg


Join date : 2009-07-14

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PostSubject: Hogwarts Exposed et al.   Hogwarts Exposed et al. EmptyTue Jul 14, 2009 10:23 am

Hogwarts Exposed is the first of an absolutely ridiculous series by Neil. One suspects that he lies about having betas, since a) the characters don't speak like any people who ever existed, and b) he always thanks them by first name instead of username.

Hogwarts Exposed is ostensibly an H/Hr fic, but much of the story is taken over by underage nudists. Yes. The author obsesses over how perfectly gorgeous Hermione is, but what's even better is the fact that one student, Jamie, looks exactly like a seventeen year old Hermione and likes to not wear any clothes. Since this is set after the war but was written before Book V, Neil comes up with some business about Harry, Ron, and Hermione being unified with special magical artifacts to beat Voldemort, etc. etc. When the story begins, Hermione is the Transfiguration professor and a wolf animagus, Harry is returning from self-imposed exile (he and Hermione have two minutes of "she doesn't love me!" "he doesn't love me!" romance novel confusion before hooking back up), and Ron is an asshole werewolf ex-Quidditch star. Ginny starts out clever (she graduated from NYU in the meantime) and the Muggle Studies professor, but she gradually deteriorates into a slutty foil for Hermione. Er ... for some reason there are dead Weasley sisters, I'm not sure why. It turns out that this is a fic of a fic. Neville teaches Herbology, Draco teaches Potions, and Snape is the Headmaster.

Quote :
"It's not that I don't like {Trelawney}, it's just that she's so... fake. And I hate that she goes as far as predicting student's deaths. She did it to Harry year after year and now she's doing it to Jamie. It really bothers the poor girl and she's such a good student."

"First name. Sounds a little like she's the teacher's pet."

"No, not at all, she is just a very special girl.. Jamie's at the top of all her classes and like Harry, was made seeker of her Quidditch
team in first year. The girl is absolutely beautiful, but doesn't have a conceited or mean bone in her body. You'll love her, believe me."

"Sounds to me like she the product of mixing Harry and Hermione genes." Ginny laughed. "Have you not been telling us something?"

Hermione blushed because she often wished she could have a daughter, a daughter exactly like Jamie. Unfortunately the father she wanted for her child wasn't in love with her. In fact, he was no longer even a part of her life.
Jamie is, as you have no doubt guessed, Top Sue next to Hermione.

The beginning of the fic is sprinkled with flashbacks in which we learn that Hooch is a lesbian rapist who bit off Hermione's nipple. I think the reason for that was just to have Hermione run naked down a corridor and fall over Snape, who was then forced to fondle Hermione's breast while he healed it.

After the flashback, Third Sue Caitlin is introduced. Caitlin was also raped by Hooch, then left tied naked to a tree for animals to eat. Caitlin is the one who introduces the others to nudism, so it's too bad they didn't. She and Jamie hit it right off. By the way, when Jamie was nine, she was kidnapped and nearly raped, but was saved by Harry, which is why she wants him to take her "special gift", ie her virginity. This paragraph tells you everything you need to know about Neil. The main problem with the fic is that he can't decide whether he wants to write an epic - there's a Totally Evil Villain in each story that must be defeated - or a porn involving people being naked (Jamie, Caitlin) or sexed up (Hermione by Neville at a concert, no really) in public. It could even be halfway decent porn if everything involving the awful plots and the bits that read like nudism issuefic were removed as well as the pedophilia.

Hogwarts Too Exposed involves Jamie's younger sister, Emily; while Jamie likes to calmly explain naturism to people, Emily has obnoxiously aggressive exhibitionist tendencies. There's also some love triangle between Ron, Draco, and Samantha, an OFC. Sam and her son become nudists, and Ron reluctantly follows suit. Harry, Hermione, Jamie, and Caitlin all go to Cap D'Adge for a naked vacation.

Hogwarts Over Exposed starts right out with a twenty year old guy ogling second-year Emily, and it only goes downhill from there, believe me. Either this one or the previous one involves Hermione falling asleep in a deck chair wearing a fake magic bathing suit and having her picture taken by a paparazzo, with said picture revealing that she was actually naked; the picture goes to Playwizard magazine, of course, and Luna - who is the owner, btw - refuses not to print it.

Hogwarts Under Exposed (NO SUCH THING) features Hogwarts allowing nudism all the time and a disabled new girl, Claudia.
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Keith Fraser
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Keith Fraser


Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 41
Location : The Emerald Isle

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PostSubject: Re: Hogwarts Exposed et al.   Hogwarts Exposed et al. EmptyTue Jul 14, 2009 2:18 pm

This sounds suspiciously like it's stolen a lot of its material from other fics. Specifically, Ron became a werewolf and Hermione a wolf animagus in Barb Purdom's epic Psychic Serpent trilogy (which is one of those mostly-well-written-but-with-a-lot-of-WTF-moments fics, I MSTed the entire first book in days of yore - click here to read). Furthermore, Ron had two missing-and-never-previously-mentioned sisters, and Harry would have had a sister called Jamie, and I spent a lot of time on the Psychic Serpent Yahoo!Group arguing with a diehard H/H fan called Neil. Hogwarts Exposed et al. 203843 On closer inspection of one of the sporkings linked below: AH-HA! I was right!

Quote :
The abilities and disabilities of the characters, along with their fifth and sixth year history are credited to The Psychic Serpent Trilogy by Barb Purdom.

The nudism stuff, of course, sounds ripped from Keiran Halcyon's Rose Potter series.

Also, this fic was sporked in great detail at the HMS STFU, which also did most of the Rose Potter stuff (scroll down to the links starting with RP).
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Cadbury Egg

Cadbury Egg


Join date : 2009-07-14

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PostSubject: Re: Hogwarts Exposed et al.   Hogwarts Exposed et al. EmptyTue Jul 14, 2009 3:16 pm

I meant to link the HMS STFU memories (there is actually a category for each fic, dear readers, jsyk) but as you can see I rather lost steam while going through this awful thing. I was going to even use them as a resource, but then I realized that I couldn't go through it in any kind of detail.

I feel so sorry for Barb, having him as a fan. Hogwarts Exposed et al. 309696
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KJM
Sporkbender
Sporkbender



Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 45

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PostSubject: Re: Hogwarts Exposed et al.   Hogwarts Exposed et al. EmptyTue Jul 14, 2009 3:20 pm

When I saw the title, I assumed it was be about the school being revealed to the Muggle world.
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http://kennethmrrw502.blogspot.com/
Keith Fraser
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Shitgobbling pissdrinker
Keith Fraser


Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 41
Location : The Emerald Isle

Hogwarts Exposed et al. Empty
PostSubject: Re: Hogwarts Exposed et al.   Hogwarts Exposed et al. EmptyMon Aug 03, 2009 6:44 pm

Update: it seems my ship-war rival Neil and the author of this fic are indeed one and the same. In an old post on the Psychic Serpent group, someone asked if they were the same person, and Barb responded with something like "yes, I unleashed Neil on the world". Weird - I wouldn't have expected the person I debated with to write insane Keiran Halcyon-esque nudism-happy sexfests. Maybe he hit puberty. Razz
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