Harry Potter, Midwich Cuckoo

Or, what might happen if the kids in Village of the Damned wrote fanfic. Another repost from GAFF.

I present for your delectation Harry Potter and the Hybrid Form(s) (spelling varies), a "K+ action/adventure" by Dead Alchemist. The author says that this story borrows "some ideas" from Blue Moon by Charles de Lint, which is the story of a good-hearted werewolf being hunted by a psychopath. The author adds, "Don't worry, all will be explained." The only explanation I can think of involves Opposite Day.

Dead Alchemist also provides a summary and warnings, which amount to this: What if Harry Potter were cooler? To find out what "cool" means in this fic, let's jump into Chapter 1:

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The pain was excruciating. He could not move it felt like his bones were breaking, twisting, and bending into place to fit the curse. Harry wanted nothing more than to scream out but he did not; he was proud and would not let the pain get to him. His skin felt like it was boiling and it itched from the thick, black fur growing everywhere. He knew this would happen when he said the curse Huh? but it still did not lesson the shock; or the pain. Harry! See this can of soda? See me shake this can of soda? Do you want to drink it now? Thought so. Enjoy!
Just as the pain started, it was gone. But you just said--but--but--ow. He stood up, panting, on his werewolf legs and glared at the wolf in front of him. The white she-wolf just stared at him in terror; or it might have been disgust at his failure to keep his own plans straight. If Harry could become a werewolf simply by cursing himself, why did she have to be in this fic? But she was using Earth logic, so she had to die. Harry leapt at her and clutched at her jugular with his sharp canines.

After a long gruesome battle, Harry limped out to his friends, Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy, pausing to admire the pigs circling on the thermals overhead. Draco looked like he wanted to change into his animagus form--having an Animagus form would be cool--but was holding back. Hermione looked at Harry with slight hope, she did not know if he would attack her but did not turn into anything--but more than one would be cooler--either.

They all could turn into a dog, a cat, a bird, and an animal to fit them--still not cool enough--they also had a magical animal they could turn into--there! but they had not managed that completely. Harry looked at them with a friendly look and they knew that he would not attack them; rare for a werewolf but Harry and his friends had a friendship bond so they were safe. His originality iz pastede on yey. They both curled up next to Harry and they all fell asleep.
The pain was back and this time in reverse. He blessed the pain this time because he knew that it was going to get better as his bones became flexible with time. So Remus Lupin's continual exhaustion and prematurely gray hair are due to his party-hearty lifestyle? Harry looked around and noticed that Draco had gone home sometime last night. Hermione woke up and smiled at him.

"Goo' mornin' Harry." Mione greeted him sleepily.

"Hey, Mione, too much fanon will make you go blind. how'd you sleep?" Harry enquired.

"Good. Hey, um, Harry, I have to get home. I'm moving today remember? Can you help me get there? It's way, way to far away for me to get there in less than an hour." Mione started to panic.

"Whoa, whoa slow down. I am only seven.

Yeah. Seven.

Harry can't Apparate, but he can do something cooler, transporting Mione right into her nightgown and into her bed at the Grangers'. Mione thinks that her family is moving to the US because she's a witch. This being Suvian logic, she sees nothing odd about it. Actually, her parents are leaving the country, but she is going to be kicked out to wander the streets for two or three years until she is found by Tonks, whose parents will become her guardians for a year or so until she goes to Hogwarts. During that entire time, she is not going to contact her two best friends. Okay!

Fast-forward to two hours from Harry's eleventh birthday. Is he huddled miserably on The Floor, Hut-on-the-Rock? Of course not! He's in Dudley's second bedroom. No shelves of junk for him: even though his room is upstairs, it has a glassed-in patio with enormous French doors (that presumably open on a sheer drop, but never mind). He sleeps in a queen-sized bed under "black satin sheets with an emerald green comforter." He hasn't seen Mione or Draco since the night he became a werewolf, but he isn't one of those uncool kids who has no friends. Draco's black eagle owl, Thunder, visits so often that Harry keeps a perch in his room. Harry has a cat--black, of course--and an illegal wand. He also employs a freed house elf, Penny. I think this is supposed to show that he's a good person. Unfortunately, it's like slapping a Band-Aid on an axe wound.

So what's Harry like at age ten-going-on-eleven? Behold his mighty . . . mightiness!

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Harry had found that he could not only change into his wolf form at will Oh, please. but also all of his animagus forms. Ordinary animagi, such as Professor McGonagall, had to do the macarena in order to change. Harry could turn into a black panther, black wolf, and a black eagle as well as the black werewolf. His fifth form is never specified; it's supposed to be the one that fits him, so draw your own conclusions. I call Chuckles the Silly Piggy. He had learned that because he called the curse to him (1) he could control it. He still could not touch silver but he found that Elven silver was different: it was usually shaped like flatware and was always highly polished did not burn him it felt cool against his skin. Harry grinned as he remembered when he found out three years ago. Dobby had appeared in his room, brandishing a sharpened silver cake server and demanding to know where Harry Stu had hidden the real Draco. House elves were stringy.

The silver was not the only thing that had changed. Harry had gotten angry with the Dursley's shortly after he had taken the curse; he had become a hybrid of all five his forms and they fled screaming from the house, only returning after Uncle Vernon had bought a rifle gave him Dudley's second room.

Although he is eager to attend Hogwarts, Harry won't suffer the uncoolness of having something to learn. Draco frequently sends him books and long letters about the wizarding world. Harry has mastered "wandless magic, occlumency, and legilimency. He also knew as much about the Dark Arts as Draco did" along with various useful spells such as Reducio. Furthermore, he and Draco can communicate telepathically at short range.

The story wouldn't be complete without the traditional long look in the mirror. Here it is:

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His hair was know so long that while it was constantly in a plait--so it had matted into one big dreadlock--it went to his lower back; he also had blood red streaks throughout his hair which made him look all the more powerful. I do not think that word means what you think it means. His eyes had also changed, he did not need glasses anymore--'cause glasses are uncool--and, although his eyes had not turned amber, they were not completely green; around the pupil of his eyes was a thin ring of amber but the rest was an unnaturally bright emerald green. Lupin's struggle is meaningless, his pain is illusory, and now his eyes aren't cool enough? His skin was a dark bronze because of the time he spent outside doing yard work for the Dursley's and the neighbours. Harry did not mind; it helped tone his body out Duo Maxwell IS Harry Potter IN Party Monster: The Michael Alig Story!

Harry uses formal diction when speaking to adults and he has a Terminator-style poker face. When he does have an expression, it's usually a smirk. But remember, he's the hero and he's cool!

The footnote informs us that:

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I thought it would be cool for a completely new language for the werewolves that Harry knew and used to become a werewolf. "Ribbidi-robbidi-roo!" Also turns pumpkins into Scooby Snacks.

The story so far has been told as flashbacks and introspection, but before Harry can suck up into his mind like Ziggy Stardust, his Hogwarts letter arrives. He "hoped with everything that he was that Mione would be there [at Hogwarts]; she was a powerful witch even though she was muggleborn." Did he just insult his own mother? Yes--and no. Lily was really--well, keep reading.
At the same time, Thunder arrives with a letter and a book: "a new Defence against the Dark Arts book called Creatures of the Night by Remus Lupin." Normally, I would appreciate poor Lupin getting a break, but I suspect that in this case it's because he must not be uncool--as in poor. You'll see why later.

Harry replies to his Hogwarts letter using Draco's owl. This sets up the next chapter, in which Albus Dumbledore proves that he isn't "as goodly as people think he is." "Goodly," of course, rhymes with "cool."

Professor McGonagall comes into Dumbledore's office looking "ecstatic" and "squealing." Harry Potter has replied to his Hogwarts letter OMG!!! But--oh noes!--his letter was delivered by Draco's owl. Dumbledore is "in shock."

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It could not be, not Harry. It was not possible. No Potter had ever been friends with a Malfoy. Dumbledore went off to cry and write in his diary about how the coolest kid in Hogwarts was hanging out with the Slytherins already. He just knew that Harry was going to be so mean to him. I doubt they could have just stumbled upon one another and decided to be friends, Lucius Malfoy would not allow it anyway, and he would more likely try to kill Harry if he even saw him looking at his son in a friendly manner and then would turn his wand on his own son. In this fic, Lucius Malfoy is a double agent, but Dumbledore never seems to guess. It's not like he's the head of some club or something that has some bird or something as a mascot.

With McGonagall's help, he establishes that Harry is still living with his relatives. Whew!

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"However, I still want you to send Severus over to check up on his godson and ask about this." Albus looked at her through his spectacles.

Minerva nodded her consent and left. 'This year is going to be very long. If Harry has befriended a Malfoy then he might not be in Gryffindor like his parents. He might be a Slytherin and if that is true then I may not have the right impression on him. After all, I am only the man who defeated Grindelwald and the only wizard Voldemort is afraid of. I am helpless in the face of the overwhelming coolness of a lot of schoolchildren. Let's just hope this is false accusations.'

Authors Note: McGonagall's excitement will be explained in later chapters. Okay. How?

We next learn that Draco--excuse me, Dray--has invited Harry to stay at the manor until the start of term. Professor Snape is not pleased. I've noticed that in stories like this, the author usually includes a voice of reason and common sense for the, um, hero to overcome. Snape gets the job this time. He grumbles that Harry is "a spoiled little brat," which pretty much describes your basic Super Stu in a nutshell. But he'll get his comeuppance, oh yes.

Harry, wearing "black khakis and a button down long sleeve shirt, emerald green of course," waits for the Malfoys:

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That night was a full moon and it made him think about someone. As Harry thought about Remus, he took hold of a pendant wrapped around his neck. The Mystic Amulet of Hogg-Swarthmore! The pendant was on a thick, Elven silver chain and had a pentagram with all of the correct jewels on it. Huh? On the back of the pentagram it read 'Au monde vous êtes une personne mais à une personne vous êtes le monde. L'amour, Moony (Remus Lupin).' How do you say "glurge" in French? It always made Harry smile when he was down to think about how much trouble Remus must have gone to to Babelfish it or feel it against his chest. He had never actually met him but received the pendant on his first birthday though he did not remember that.
After about on hour, a loud 'crack' sounded and Lucius Malfoy was standing in front of him smiling coldly.

"Hello, Harry. I hope all is well and that you're ready to see how much exactly has changed with Draco." Lucius smiled and pulled out his wand. "This is for replacing my son with a loathsome little pod person!" There was a terrified scream; then Harry Stu vanished in a cloud of bad role-playing game character stats a portkey.

For some reason, it's important for us to know that Dray's room has been remodeled like Harry's, including a patio without visible means of support. Also, they hug like it's going out of style. Off to see the wizards!

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When they arrived in Lucius' study, they immediately saw both of the older men hiding behind the drapes and bowed their heads in recognition.

"Ah, Harry, Draco, you've arrived. This is Severus Snape, Harry. He's the Potions Master up at the castle. I can tell you he's quite passionate about his work." Lucius looked fondly at his best friend. For some reason, "Sweet Transvestite" has begun to play in the back of my mind.

Snape is shocked by Harry's courtesy and humility. He is shocked when Harry wins a debate with Lucius Malfoy about "one of the laws that the minister had passed not to long ago." Then he is shocked when Harry discusses "the cure for lycanthropy" and describes a potion that will let a werewolf transform with minimal pain, touch silver, become a wolf at the full moon for only a few hours, and change at will the rest of the time. I am shocked that, given this recipe by an eleven-year-old who apparently highlights his hair with Kool-Aid, Snape instantly assumes that it works.

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Harry smirked--humbly and courteously--as he saw the Potions Master blush in embarrassment for not having thought of that himself.

"Harry, how in the name of Merlin did you figure this out?" Severus asked him.

"A lot of time with muggles gives me extra time to think and experiment. It's not like I was going to school or doing chores or being seven years old or anything. Anyway, I was very impressed with your own information, how did you gather it. However, as highly as Draco talks about you I had thought you had only just started your own search. I have been searching for only four years and have figured it out. Interesting it is to find you have been searching for twenty-five years. Like Yoda I talk because it makes me look all the more powerful." Harry looked up at Severus with a small smile and wondered why he was pale with rage. And what was that funny green light coming out of his wand? Nope, no such luck. Snape has fallen to the power of the Stu.

Let's read some more about how Harry and Dray are admirable and likeable and generally cool (Harry especially).

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Draco and Harry spent the next week in his room practising and reading up on wandless magic and other ancient and illegal forms of magic. Because when Neville Longbottom went bouncing down the garden, he ended up in Azkaban. Draco was getting better but he still had a lot to learn.

"Ahhh, I can't do this." Draco screamed out after trying to get the neco flamma curse.
The dog he had been practising on was still alive and had only been singed. I guess I just don't understand what the author is trying to say . . . The curse was supposed to kill the victim using an intense heat and fire that went well over 300 C. Although the heat was enough to kill the victim it also managed to create an intense pain as strong if not stronger then the Cruciatus curse. . . . because somehow, I can't sympathize with these characters. The curse was also illegal. You don't say.

Harry chuckled at Draco's impatience.

"Why don't you try putting all your hate and terrible memories into the spell; it works better that way. If you can't do that then try the Lacero hex." Harry suggested.

The Lacero hex was a hex that tore the victim to pieces leaving them mangled and usually unable to function properly for a long while afterwards; if they survived the hex. Watching these wonderful children discover their marvelous powers makes me want to surgically remove all memory of this story from my brain. I must be a bad reader.

"Okay, I'll try. But, Harry, what if I can't do either? What if I haven't got enough hate or anger?" Draco complained.

"Draco, if you don't have enough hate then just think of who you truly do hate and get as angry at them as you can." Harry suggested.

Draco grumbled and tried again. It worked when he followed Harry's orders, the power he created with his anger was barely enough to kill the thing but it worked. He grinned in relief and looked at Harry. If this were a book, I would throw it across the room. I guess I'm just interrogating Dead Alchemist's text from the wrong perspective.

They continued working on their spell and curses until noon when Lucius knocked on the door. Harry spelled it open and looked up from his book.

"Hello, you two, why don't you get ready to go to Diagon Alley and Knockturn Alley. Don't forget to hide your wands because we need to get you both a second wand." He told them with a small grin and a worried glance at Harry, his lord and master.

Harry smiled at him and went to change. Lucius sighed in relief--no whipping today--and left.

At Gringotts we learn that Harry's vault is cooler. It has one room for his money and another for things like this:

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he came out with two silver daggers at his waist. The daggers, Draco knew, were made out of Elven silver and had what looked like a snake encrusted in the handle with a cats eye emerald in the middle of them and emeralds for the snakes eyes. Medieval Weapon Art Inc., $13.99 apiece. For display only.

At Borgin and Burkes, Harry apparently buys Salazar Slytherin's old Potions textbook for a few galleons. Okay! They bump into Mione on the way to Ollivander's and there is a "passionate" group hug followed by two hours of catching up. Mione's been practicing too! I guess the Tonkses don't mind bloodstains on the floor.

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"All of my wands have rejected you. I'm sorry but there are no more." Mr. Ollivander told them with a miserable expression. How could he make these three horrible children go away?
"Do you make staffs?" Harry asked him.

"Well, yes. However, those are for magi. We three kings of Orient are;/Tried to smoke a rubber cigar-- They are way to powerful for you three kids." He chuckled at their irritable faces. Way? No way! Waaaay.

"Let us try. You never know." Hermione looked at him with an insistent expression.

Mr. Ollivander sighed and led them to the back. When he got to the door, he led the in one by one. When Harry's turn came, he went through the door with his eyes close and felt around for the power to fit his. When he came to a stop in front of one, he picked it up and It was loaded;/It exploded--knew that it was his. After opening his eyes, he saw that it was a half a foot shorter then he was So either it's really the Pimp Cane of Slytherin or Professor Flitwick is Slytherin's heir. and had four animals carved into the cherry wood. A serpent, lion, raven--and the fanon still is tapping with self-referential fapping and a short attention span upon the keyboard evermore--and a badger were each in a design around the staff. He grinned when he saw it. This staff had belonged to Salazar Slytherin. Mr. Ollivander frowned when he saw that they had each found a staff among his fathers collection. After all, his father had been the one to make them. So either the Ollivanders have their own Philosopher's Stone or Salazar Slytherin returned his staff to Ollivander's fairly recently. Dead Alchemist just wrecked the plot of either the first or the second book. But never mind.

I have cut another paragraph or two that lovingly describes how each staff has its own artistic motif and a detachable wand and can instantly become a unique tattoo that stretches from wrist to fingers on the user's wand hand and blah blah blah. I think Harry's tattoo looks like a snake and Mione's has leaves on it or something. This is all terribly significant, which is why I can't remember how it goes.

Harry and Dray collect Lucius Malfoy, who went to have a drink five hours ago. Hopefully, that was enough time for him to drown his pain. First, however, he had to buy Hedwig for Harry. Did you think Hagrid would appear in this story? He's too big and too hairy and he talks funny. Also, he isn't rich. So not cool.

The next day, they're off to catch the Hogwarts Express!

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"I can't wait to see what house I get sorted into. Hopefully, Slytherin." Draco piped.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't care what house I get into as long as it isn't Hufflepuff." Harry replied.

Just then, a handsome, gray-eyed boy threw open the compartment door. "There they are, Dad!" he said grimly. A ruddy man with a brown beard walked into the compartment and sighed. "You're right, Cedric," he said. "I have work to do here." The man walked out of the compartment with his son a few minutes later, closing it firmly behind him to contain the stench of melted pepper jack cheese. Then he tacked up a sign: THIS COMPARTMENT UNDER QUARANTINE. A. DIGGORY, DEPT. FOR THE REGULATION & CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES. The end.

Neville Longbottom, of all people, shows up to deliver an expository chunk from Hell:

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My gran says that you had two fathers instead of one. Is that true? Did you really come out of somebody's bum? Because that would explain a lot. She also said that my mother was your other dads' older sister. Do you know if that's true or just my gran going insane? Because if I found out that I was related to you, I think I'd have to forget to bounce next time I fell out of a window." Neville started to ramble until Harry interrupted him.

"Hehe, slow down there, Nev, yes all that is true however, I never knew either of my fathers. Lily Evans was my godmother. Which would remove the reason for Harry living with the Dursleys, but never mind. And that would make us cousins, correct. Well, as I said before..." Harry started but Mia What did I tell you about fanon? Go wash your hands. broke in.

"We should get into our robes. We'll be arriving soon I'm sure."

They changed into their robes all that were battle robes (1). Soon the train started to slow down to a stop and they got off, feeling a bit nervous.

(A:N, I'm going to skip ahead to the part where they're waiting to be sorted...Just fill in the blank cus it is the same as the scene in the first book.)

Actually, "the part where they're waiting to be sorted" is also "the same as the scene in the first book," but edited to make it cooler. For instance, Harry "did not think that the headmaster looked very powerful" and the children speak scornfully of Hufflepuff again. Then, when Harry is sorted:

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"Hmm, interesting. Difficult too. Very difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Very smart as well. Haven't gone the same way as your parents now have you. After all, your real mother was loyal to the point of death and your real father outgrew his self-centered smugness. Oh my, a talent for piling absurdity upon crude wish-fulfillment. Well, there is only one place for you. QANONREIP!" Then it pinched his head right off.

When the Headmaster gives his funny little pre-dinner speech, Harry trades smirks with Snape at the old man's insanity. I've changed my mind; his fifth form is a jackass. Anyway, eat, drink, dis Hufflepuff yet again . . . Tme for the school song! Of course, most of the Slytherins are too cool to sing it. Fred and George do sing because they're supposed to be all zany and stuff. They're mentioned twice, so they probably won't get to escape like Ron, who doesn't seem to be in this story--lucky him. Off to bed, where we find out that Slytherins have double dorms because "They are after all in the dungeons and have much more room." This is actually believable. Points to Dead Alchemist.

The footnote!

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(1)- Battle Robes- made out of chimera, graphorn, and manticore hide with demiguise fur threaded through it allowing the wearer to become invisible whenever they so wish. These robes look more like a cloak that is skin tight at the neck and buttoned down the front wwith sliver fastenings until the waist where it flows out and allows them to move around easier. Underneath the cloak, they have a pair of fitting, very breathy pants made out of the same material as the rest of the robes. The entire thing is made to flow with the wearer so they can move whichever way they wish with nothing slowing them down. Battle robes repel all known charms and can repel many dangerous curses as well. Okay, okay, we get it: this Harry Stu is The One. But does he know kung fu?

First day of classes . . .

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The professors were looking at him with strange expressions each and every class. They wondered why he hadn't yet been ordered to change into regulation school robes, what on Earth could have colored his eyes and hair so bizarrely, and whether he realized that he was wearing a girl's plait that apparently had not been taken out in months. Every class, that is, except Potions. Severus treated Harry with more respect then he gave any other one of his Slytherins. Harry smirked at this because he seemed to recall that Snape had told him he would be treated as any other student. (A;N brownies for anyone who can guess why.) Because Snape is already under the influence of Stuvian Stupid Rays and the other professors haven't succumbed yet. Give me the brownies.

Oops! I was wrong. He's already gotten to Professor Flitwick, who reacts to Harry Stu exactly as he did to Harry Potter, which proves that the Stupid Rays are very strong. McGonagall has fallen as well. If she's on a first-name basis with Albus Dumbledore, she has to be Harry Stu's enemy, like so:

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she seemed to be very cold and indifferent to all the Slytherins. [ . . . ] By the end of the lesson, the only ones who had made any difference were Harry, Draco and Hermione. She did not seem pleased that three Slytherins had gotten it but no Gryffindors had.

Professor Quirrell, on the other hand, is his twitchy, stinky-turbaned self. Okay!

Dead Alchemist attempts to apply more niceness by having Harry, Mione--excuse me, Mia--and Dray--excuse me, Drake--trade Neville help in Potions for help in Herbology, but she blows it in the next paragraph:

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When they got to the library, they went to the back where there was only on table a started their essay on moonstone for potions and soon noticed that someone was watching them. When Harry looked up, he saw the headmaster himself who had been trying to spy on them. So the most powerful wizard in the world is . . . crouching in the stacks, peering between leaning books? Harry raised his eyebrow at him and asked if he wanted something.

"Actually I did. I was hoping, Mr. Potter, that I could see you in my office for a moment."

"Very well, I shall see you in a moment. Let me finish up here." Harry replied. He looked around at his homework and back to the headmaster.

"Good, good. The password is sugar plum. By the way, it is a general rule that eleven-year-old boys are to treat their elders with a modicum of respect. I do not appreciate being dismissed like a butler. I am assigning you detention with Rubeus Hagrid, who undoubtedly will be pleased to have yet another monster under his care." With that, he left.

Why could Dumbledore have summoned him? The children decide that it's probably because Harry is a cool, dangerous Slytherin, not "a perfect pawn" like Harry's parents, those chumps. Harry doesn't know where the office is; instead of finding the nearest prefect, he treks to the dungeons to ask Professor Snape. On the way, he finds the Marauder's Map lying in a corridor. The next chapter is a tedious scene in which Dumbledore is a heartless manipulator with Gryffindor House on a string and Harry, of course, tells him off. Dumbledore concludes:

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'Now, I know that he will be a sociopath just like Tom was all those years ago. Good thing I don't really need him. The prophecy didn't mention a permanent smirk. This must be the wrong boy.' When Dumbledore looked up he no longer had a twinkle in his eye nor did he look very happy. "Unfortunately for you, Stuvian Stupid Rays cannot function in this room. Expelliarmus! Finite Incantatem! Oh dear, what a mess." He picked his way fastidiously through the scribbled-over character sheets that now littered the floor and glanced at Fawkes, who hunched on his perch and looked mutinous. "No, no, best not . . . " he murmured and decided to burn the things in the fireplace instead.

"Very well, Boy, but do not think you have gotten off very easily. I shall make sure that you have the education that you need but you will not have any special privileges that your title Lord Haw-Haw? may bring you elsewhere. Good day, Mr. Potter."

We find out that in this cooler Hogwarts, the line between good and evil is class envy ("Why does he [Dumbledore] think that just because my [Drake's] father is rich and has a bit of a snobby attitude he must be a dark wizard?") and inter-house rivalry is gang warfare. When a third-year asks why Harry is a Slytherin, Harry has him prone with a knee in his back in a split second.

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If anyone tries to tell me that I should belong in another house, like Gryffindor for example, then they had better be ready for a long trip to the infirmary because I will not take anyone's crap. Now get out of my sight before I make sure that you won't be able to walk for at least a week."

After that, even the Slytherins call them the Dark Trio and their spot in the common room the Curse Corner. This shows that they are totally cool.

That proverb on Harry's amulet is an extra password for the Marauder's Map. It reveals a letter from Lupin ("your godfather, or as your father likes to say, dogfather") to Harry ("My Young Heron Cub"). To make a long letter short: Lupin wasn't allowed to raise Harry because he's a werewolf. Lucky Lupin. Harry's two dads were James Potter (who had the magical hinder this time around) and Sirius Black; his real name is--keep reading--and he may have more money than the Malfoys. The three Marauders' diaries (Peter who?), the Potter and Black family histories, and three books they co-wrote are hidden in the Shrieking Shack. Also, Lupin hopes to see Harry very soon. Dun dun dunnnn!

So now we know what "cool" means: more powerful than Albus Dumbledore, more arrogant than the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, scarier than Mad-Eye Moody, more brutal than Filch's fondest dreams, and richer than Croesus. The fic is gone now, so where Dead Alchemist was going to take the plot is anybody's guess. Unfinished as it was, though, it really had the perfect ending:

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Heron James Orion Potter-Black sounded much better then Harry James Potter. His friends had also promised to call him Heron or just Ren instead of Harry from now on.

As Heron(1) was just about to succumb to sleep he thought about how nice it would be to have his Father back instead of in Azkaban.


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Author's Note (1)- I will be calling him that from now on, Folks.

Stick a fork in me; I'm done.

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With McGonagall's help, he establishes that Harry is still living with his relatives. Whew!

Wait, what happened to having an eye on him? Did they just forget to check in on him for the last four years or so?

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Heron James Orion Potter-Black sounded much better then Harry James Potter. His friends had also promised to call him Heron or just Ren instead of Harry from now on.

His enemies called him Stimpy.

Potter-Black sounds like Pot Black. A truly naff Snooker show the BBC used to show in the nineteen-seventies and eighties. That is not cool

Ahh, "Heron" Potter. I've heard a lot of things about this fic, but finally reading it, I understand why it's a timeless classic.

About this whole "Mione" thing....to be fair, in the Brazilian edition of the books, they actually call her that, and since I read all books in Portuguese years before reading the original versions, I genuinely thought that that was her nickname.

No idea why they did that. They adapted some of the more English names into their Portuguese counterparts, but they left Hermione pretty much alone. The other kids call her "Mione" from time to time, though, for some reason.

It looks like the story was deleted, as it's no longer here:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2107731/1/

It's also not listed on the author's page any more:

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/542295/Dead_Alchemist

What a tragedy.