Marty Stu/Harry Potter bamfs to Middle-Earth using the Dragonballs: from the creator of Rose Potter!

Keiran Halcyon is best known for his (note: I have assumed KH to be male throughout here, because his writing reads like that of an immature male) plagiarism reworking of the Harry Potter books featuring ninja nudist druid Uber-Sue Rose Potter, the Girl Who Lived Septology (link leads to the author's Yahoo!Group which features naughty pictures). This sporking (previously posted at GAFF and HoBaF) concerns an almost as bad but lesser known fic of his, Sanctuary of Arda, which is a crossover between Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings. Among other things (insert Ominous Latin Chanting here).

Our story begins post-Order of the Phoenix, with the standard Harry-at-Privet-Drive Dursleybanter and summary of the preceding canon books, although it's in first person, and Harry seems to be channeling Rose's sarcasm a bit:

Quote :

The nightmares I can understand somewhat now, I relive the scene of my Godfather's death, over and over, add in my lovely experience in the graveyard of Little Hangleton where Lord Voldemort reanimated himself, where a classmate of mine died right next to me, thrown in with a dash of the vague scene of my parents deaths. I read in a magazine just yesterday an article on dreams; it stated that nightmares were the mind's mechanism trying to deal with traumatic levels of emotion experienced by the person. Yip, that's me.

In a trend-setting move, Harry has also decided to study the entire 5th year syllabus like crazy. Hermione would be so proud.

Quote :

All the morning I sat at the desk and studied, it felt like suddenly the words and concepts were imprinting themselves in my mind. It was rather quite surreal; I could recall perfectly everything I had studied in the past few days. I wonder why I could never learn like this at school.

You were never really and truly motivated then.

I suppose that makes sense. That voice was the voice I hear when I fight an Imperious Curse, odd. I suppose I think of that voice as my conscience.

You need a montage (Montage!)
Ooh, it takes a montage (Montage!)
In anything, if you want to go
From just a beginner to a pro
You need a montage (Montage!)

At this point, apart from Harry's sudden uber-memory, this isn't earth-shakingly out of character. He *does* have more motivation thanks to the Prophecy and Sirius' death, so he might conceivably knuckle under and focus harder on learning as much magic as possible. However, as I noted above and as we'll see later, this scene sets the tone for the whole of the rest of the (unfinished) fic: Harry absorbs complex knowledge and training like a sponge, lather, rinse, repeat. The dryness of the writing style also makes him sound kind of emotionless (or monomaniacal).

The fic begins to wander into stranger territory as Harry is sent out to do some gardening and hears the sound of leather hitting leather. No, it's not Draco and Snape come to invite him for some "games", it's an original character!

Quote :

A young man that looked to be about in his early twenties was punching against a heavy red punching bag, which was hanging from movable stilts. It looked odd, though; I had seen Dudley's boxing gloves as these big red mittens with lots of padding. The gloves the young man was wearing were more conforming to his hand and had considerably less padding on them and were black in colour.

The man was wearing a sleeveless shirt that clung to a reasonably but not overly muscled torso; and knee length pants with running shoes adorning his feet. He had lengthening dark blonde hair that was wet with sweat.

I was seeing a rather odd phenomenon take place though. I knew how strong Dudley was and the effect he had on his punching bag. My cousin had thick beefy arms to accomplish that. This man though had rather skinny arms in comparison, yet the heavy punching bag he was hitting was flying all over the place with the power exerted through it.

*porno sax plays in background* Nay, I jest. Turns out Mr. 80s Action here is called Martin, and he's a...martial artist! In Keiran Halcyon's world, that makes him one step down from God (well, two, he's not a nudist). Surprise surprise, he has TEH CHI POWURZ.

Quote :

"That is life energy, or what the Chinese call 'Chi'," said Martin letting his breath out in a huff and strapped on his glove again.

"Wow," was all I could say, I never thought that even though muggles had no magical powers such as wizards, whose to say that they did not have other abilities that are totally unrelated to magic, "what would happen if you hit somebody with that?"

Martin stopped punching and turned to stare at me with a single raised eyebrow.

"It would depend where you hit, but if you to hit somebody with such a force over the heart, or any critical area it would be instantly fatal," replied Martin with his eyes dead serious.

Naturally, Harry soon asks this total stranger to train him in the ways of the Force, um, martial arts. Let the asiophilia commence!

Quote :

"I am teaching you a blend of the martial arts, I am not purely teaching you just Karate, Ninjitsu, Aikido or Judo, but a blend of them all that I find most useful. In today's world I find that Ninjitsu is most suited to our circumstances. It means, the Invisible Way, and its essence is to deceive the enemy of your true intention by presenting them with what we call the 'Shadow'. Practically speaking I throw a strike at your head, to which you react, but my other hand is already striking you in the stomach," explained Martin.

Yes...because only a NINJA could master the complex and arcane technique known as a 'feint' - sorry, 'Shadow'. *imagines Martin getting a beatdown from a fencer, a kendoka, and a representative of pretty much every combat style on the planet* After a while of this, Harry receives his twelve-OWL exam results BAHAHAHAHAHA NO and a letter from Dumbledore explaining that he's going to receive special instruction rather than doing normal schoolwork during 6th year. This is interesting but ultimately irrelevant (as we'll see), and the amount of detail with which it's explained is probably excessive.

The martial arts training montage continues, with Martin teaching Harry to use weapons, and then Harry retires to his room to practice some magic (which he's now allowed to). Naturally, Keiran Halcyon can't resist the opportunity for some juvenile sexual references:

Quote :

I settled into my chair and grabbed my advanced Defence book and started to practice any curse and counter-curse that was not destructive or rather loud. The most curses that fit the bill were Confundus-class curses, which disorientated, removed or overloaded your opponent's senses or sense of reason. There were a few of these that really made me astonished and even red faced with embarrassment at the thought of using or countering some of the curses.

'Comissatio' gave you the experience of a slowly building sexual orgasm, its counter was 'Friggus Imber'.

'Nudus' was exactly like it sounded, it left the victim utterly devoid of clothes, and I could barely imagine using that in a duel, except if I was duelling a witch. It had no counter as such, but it could be blocked with higher level shields, and if you were afflicted with it, you better hope your conjuring skills are good at clothes.

There was much more curses that worked in similar embarrassing ways, but some were humiliating. 'Unrinatus' caused the victim to soil themselves and had no counter but it could be blocked with 'Protego'.

Continued in the next post...

During a JKR-esque birthday presents scene which I won't bore you with, Harry receives a Pensieve containing what is basically a copy of Dumbledore, allowing him to study with him before he goes back to school.

Quote :

"There is no question related to your situation that you can ask that is out of bounds, I will answer fully and to the best of my knowledge," said Dumbledore, "another mistake that will be corrected is that of your Occlumency training, you will train with me here in this Pensieve."

"But how is that possible?" I frowned.

"This is an interactive Pensieve you could say, even though I am an enchanted memory you could perform magic in here just as you would in the real world," explained Dumbledore.

"Cool," was my only absentmindedly made comment on this, "can we learn other things too?"

"Of course, you have but to ask my boy," said Dumbledore with a smile and he gestured to the bookcases, "you can ask me to instruct you in any spells you find in these books. Normally I would not have this capacity but this memory of me is linked to all the knowledge that the books contain."

How very contrived. I mean convenient. After some more discussion between Harry and Dumbledore-2 and some never-to-be-relevant-again stuff about dementor attacks, Harry heads out for his next lesson with Obi-Wan, er, Martin. This is where we really start to get wacky.

Quote :

"I have a present for you, but it can wait, I rather suspect we have both been hiding somewhat from each other, there can be no such things between a Sensei and his Sennin," he stated in a determined fashion.

"What do you mean?" I asked nervously, not having a clue what he was getting at.

"Firstly," said Martin and turned to face the side of the fence bordering No.4 Privet Drive, "I am an agent of Dende-Sama, you can take off the Invisibility Cloak."

I could only drop my jaw at the fact that Martin knew what an Invisibility Cloak was. I turned abruptly at the soft swishing sound of a cloak being unfurled and saw the gnarled visage of Mad-Eye Moody appear holding his wand at the ready.

"Argghh, it took you long enough, Dende-Sama is getting lax in my opinion if you are one of his agents," growled Moody.

"Did it occur to you, wizard that I do not want to go prying about sensing the life forces of people constantly, I for one, merely wanted a normal Sennin to train," snarled Martin in return. I could only look on in confusion. Martin turned to me with a soft kind expression on his face.
"I had no idea you were a wizard until today, remember I told you how I can manipulate Chi, well it goes way beyond that, I can sense life force, and what I feel from you marks you as a wizard. I only opened myself to sense you today," stated Martin.

"But why?" I asked despondently.

"I liked the mystery of you, and I enjoyed just training someone for who they truly are, not just based on their talent," his eyes twinkled softly.

"I can understand that," I said, "you are an agent of Dende…what?"

"Dende-Sama, yes," nodded Martin, "he is the guardian of the Earth."

Yes, Martin brings Dragonball elements to the party! And Dende-Sama (I crack up slightly at the thought of Mad-Eye Moody saying that) and TEH CHI POWURZ aren't the only ones. Guess what his birthday present to Harry is!

Quote :

My gift to you is truly a wonder of the Universe. If you received this then I have told you for whom I work, the Dende-Sama. He created these balls. Maybe I could bring you to him one day, for I see the heavy mantle of Destiny on you and you have the soul of a reluctant warrior. One would be blind not to notice.

You now have in your possession seven Dragon balls. If you use them properly you can summon forth Shenron, the Eternal Dragon of Earth. This Dragon has the power to grant you any two wishes you make to it. And I mean any two wishes. The wonders I have seen these things perform in the hands of good warriors is amazing. You can wish those who have passed on back from the dead. I have seen it happen with my very own eyes. My best friend Trunks, died in the defence of Earth, at the time, we desperately needed his help, so we wished him back from the dead.

OK, is Martin supposed to be a Dragonball character in disguise, or is he some kind of dimension-hopping author insertion and/or Marty Stu who is mysteriously best buddies with the Dragonball cast? Also, I'm suspicious as to the feasibility of Dragonball and Harry Potter taking place on the same Earth. Wouldn't the wizarding community have contributed to the various battles for Earth's survival? Mightn't the destruction of the moon have affected their werewolves? I guess Dragonball's various martial arts masters and aliens must have an equally effective Masquerade going on.

Quote :

Harry, I saw the sadness in your eyes, I know your soul is much older than the body you reside in, it's unmistakable. So I give you the advice from the experiences of others who have wished back lost loved ones. Remember what you are doing, you are plucking out a soul, a person, from the afterlife, who by all rights has accepted his fate, and him or her are more than likely very happy where they are now. That is why I would advise you to not even try. Accept their passing, wish rather for the present and future, not the past.

Translation: don't bring Sirius back, that would be boring! Yes, Martin has given Harry the Dragonballs. This, along with much of the chapter, is simply a (goofy) plot device to get Harry to the scene of the remainder of the story (to date), which begs the question of why the author used Dragonball stuff rather than creating a device that fits into the rest of the Harry Potter setting. Answer: that would be too much work, I'm guessing.

After Harry talks to Martin about the Dragonballs and trains for a couple more weeks (Montage! Oh, he also learns how to be a Metamorphmagus), some Death Eaters show up:

Quote :

I nodded and hurried to jump over the fence and for a moment my curiosity pulled me back to peer over the fence. Martin had his Bo in his right hand and abruptly a translucent white aura flared to life around him, the power of it was such that the air was being pulled in a sudden wind all around him and was blowing in my face. I gazed in wonder that a non-magical person could have such power and then got another surprise when Martin's knees tensed and he shot up into the air with blinding speed leaving a trail of white energy behind him as he flew in the direction of the park.

Ninja Man, he flies like a moron!

Quote :

I rushed into the house totally out of breath and wondered what I should do now. I wondered what the Death Eaters, if that's what they were, were hoping to accomplish by this. They could no more approach the house than Voldemort could. It grated against every instinct I had not to rush to the park and help. But I reasoned that the Order had that covered and even if they didn't, Martin would. I briefly wondered how Martin would fare against the Death Eaters, having just briefly witnessed the extent of his power.

Voldemort: "Wormtail, what does the scouter say about his power level?"
Wormtail: "It's OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!!1!1!!!"
Martin: "You ain't seen nothing! I was only using 12% of my power!"
Voldemort: "Martin! You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead you found a GOD!" *goes SSJ*

OK, enough of that. Harry rushes to his room to make his wishes:

Quote :

I rushed up to my room and as a precaution packed all my things in my trunk, it did not hurt to be prepared after all, with a wave of my wand I shrunk the trunk and placed it in my pocket. I took the bag of Dragon balls out from under my bed and placed it on my desk. I stared at the sole remaining piece of parchment that had my two wishes written on it.

I wish for the Weasley family vault at Gringotts bank to be filled to the brim with gold.

And this is fundamentally different to you giving them your own money (which he didn't want to do) how?

Martin returns from his battle a little mussed and bruised, having casually thrown off the Cruciatus Curse, and warns Harry to activate the Dragonballs. Harry summons the Dragon and makes his wishes:

Quote :

"I wish for the training to be able to defeat the dark wizard Voldemort and all his supporters!" I shouted at the Dragon.

"INDEED, YOU ARE FATED TO DO SO IT SEEMS! BUT I CANNOT GRANT YOU THE KNOWLEDGE IN THIS FASHION! IT WOULD KILL YOU! BUT I CAN SEND YOU TO A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN GAIN THIS KNOWLEDGE WITHOUT THE FEAR OF TIME PASSING HERE WHILE YOU ARE THERE! HOWEVER IT WILL BE UP TO YOU TO FIND A WAY BACK TO THIS DIMENSION! IT IS DONE!"

I abruptly doubled over in pain and briefly caught the glimpse of green fire enveloping me and the sudden feeling of my ties to this reality being pulled apart. It was extremely painful (brought to you by the department of Redundancy Department!). And the world gave a lurch all around me as if I was being pulled by Portkey. And as the darkness claimed me, I knew that I was gone.

That last paragraph is a triumph of vagueness. How exactly does one identify the feeling of one's ties to this reality being pulled apart? And surely it's obvious that if you're no longer where you were, you're "gone"?

OK, I now bring you the second THRILLING chapter of Sanctuary of Arda! Thrillingly mediocre, that is. This sporking and sporkings of all future chapters will most likely contain large amounts of Tolkien Pedantry (TM), due to Keiran Halcyon's somewhat idiosyncratic approach to background research on the Middle-Earth setting. Information on Elvish customs and life-cycle was checked using the relevant Wikipedia article, which draws on information in Morgoth's Ring.

We open with this:

Quote :

Arda, Middle-Earth, Year 500 of the Third Age

Lord Elrond Halfelven sat in contemplative silence in his study, looking though the windows to the beauty that was Rivendell, his home. He was one of the Eldar.

To illustrate what a silly non sequitur that last sentence is, consider this:

"Keith Fraser sat in contemplative silence at his desk, reading a crappy crossover fanfic on his computer. He was a human."

Stupid, n'est-ce-pas? If the author wants to introduce who and what Elrond is for non-clued-up readers, then it needs to be done much better than this - apart from anything else, if you don't know what 'Eldar' means in this context, the sentence is fairly useless.

[Tolkien Pedantry]Also, it's slightly debatable whether the word 'Eldar', which denotes members of the Elven kindreds who set out on the Great Journey and their descendants, even applies to Elrond, since as the author noted, he's Half-Elven (or, strictly speaking, a mix of elf, human and Maiar). Why not just stick with 'Half-Elven' as a description?[Tolkien Pedantry]

Elrond flashbacks and exposits the events of the War of the Last Alliance. Moving swiftly on:

Quote :

"Suilannad Ada!" greeted Elladan. (Greetings Father!)

"Suilannad Ion," frowned Elrond, "treneri sianath." (Greetings son, what has happened.)

"Im gerin tira-minai," said Elladan. (I have found something strange.)

"Ir ha?" asked Elrond. (What is it?) And now that he thought about it he could indeed sense something different in the world, a burgeoning force of light like none he had ever felt before.

And now the author decides to show off his command of Elvish. I haven't extensively researched whether or not the Elvish used in Sanctuary of Arda is all correct or not, but either way, the 'subtitled' speech used at random points when characters speak Elvish is very annoying.

Quote :

They found Arwen in one of the guest quarters washing the face of the unconscious Man; she had placed all his effects on a table and had stripped him of his clothes to check for wounds.

Arwen: "Dad, this isn't what it looks like!"

Quote :

He quickly determined that the Man was only bruised from his trip down the river and unconscious.

Any particular reason why the Dragon dropped Harry in the river instead of simply bamfing him to the front doorstep?

Quote :

Everything radiating a brilliant magic, causing Elrond to frown in confusion, he picked up a short thin staff, which was barely eleven inches in length. It was made of a soft brown wood and had a beautiful finish. The moment Elrond touched the staff on the carved hilt; he felt a lurch as his very own magic was channelled briefly through the staff.

OK, Elves=/=wizards. Their 'magic' is more like Sufficiently Advanced Technology. Also, why would Harry's wand be referred to as a 'staff' rather than a stick or, well, a wand?

Quote :

He gasped and put it down and stared the Man. He continued to focus his Sight through the Man.

And then he saw The Man Behind The Man!

Quote :

I awoke and found myself lying in a bed. At first, I thought that I had slept late, after a long unpleasant dream that still hovered on the edge of memory. Or perhaps I had been ill? But the ceiling of the room I was in looked strange; it was flat, and it had dark beams richly carved. I lay a little while longer looking at patches of sunlight on the wall, and listening to the sound of a waterfall.

Shinji Ikari: "Another unfamiliar ceiling."

Quote :

"Glasses?" I asked looking around for them. I noticed a bundle on a desk not far from my bed and it looked like my possessions were all there, including my clothes. It was an odd way for me to realise I was naked under these soft duvets.

Apparently Harry has lost his sense of touch. Also, he might want to try a better opening gambit, like "Hello." or "Oh God, how much did I drink last night and which motel is this?"

Quote :

"Which device do you require?" he asked in a rich melodic, yet grave voice.

Yes, apparently Elrond speaks English. Smile and nod. [Tolkien Pedantry]Note that Tolkien's Westron or Common Speech is not supposed to be English; LotR is supposed to have been translated from Westron into English, including the hobbits' names. [/Tolkien Pedantry]

Elrond: "Mister...Potter. It seems you have been living...two lives. In one, you are a moderately gifted student wizard who saves the world through courage and friendship. In the other, you are a Marty Stu who absorbs knowledge at a suspicious rate, displays no emotion and consorts with dubious martial artists. One of these lives...has a future."

Finally, the author (as in the Rose Potter stories) shows a lack of comprehension of how commas are supposed to be used.

Quote :

This was not a man that was moving to set next to me again; he was a high-elf, an Eldar. I had researched them with Hermoine once, when we were looking for information on the house-elves of my realm, and had broken off on a tangent.

This is vaguely plausible, since it implies that (much as Tolkien intended) Middle-Earth is Potterworld's - and, Nodens preserve us, DBZ-world's - distant past. However, the way it's put across here smacks of a cheap plot device to help ensure that Uber-Harry is never surprised by anything. Also, it's implied that Harry has travelled between dimensions, not through time, so apparently a different bunch of Tolkien Elves once inhabited Potterworld.

Quote :

"Well met, Harry, I am Lord Elrond Halfelven, you are in Rivendell, the Last Homely House east of the Sea, in Middle-Earth, this realm is known as Arda," said Elrond. I studied the elf for a while with a reverent fascination, his face was ageless, neither old nor young, though in it was written the memory of many things both happy and sad. His hair was dark as the shadows of twilight and upon it were set a circlet of silver; his eyes were grey as a clear evening, and in them was a light like the light of stars. Venerable he seemed as a king crowned with many winters, and yet hale as a tried warrior in the fullness of his strength.

That description of Elrond is copied straight from LotR, in keeping with Keiran Halcyon's tradition of plagiarism. Not surprisingly, it feels rock-droppingly out of place among the non-plagiarized descriptions and dialogue. In other news, why does Elrond immediately jump to the conclusion that Harry is from outside of Arda, rather than (for example) from across the Sea?

[Tolkien Pedantry]It seems unlikely that Rivendell would have been referred to as the Last Homely House during this era, since Middle-Earth was much safer and more peaceful. Mirkwood was still Greenwood the Great, and the Dwarven settlements in the Misty Mountains were still intact during this time so a Dwarf would probably be quite offended at the notion that Rivendell was the last outpost of civilization for hundreds of miles when going eastwards out of Eriador. [/Tolkien Pedantry]

Quote :

"Five hundred of the Third Age, October, the twenty fifth," answered Elrond, "please forgive my frankness but what do you call yourself? You come in the shape of a Man but your power and the fact that you are immortal to the ravages of time marks you otherwise."

[Tolkien Pedantry]October twenty-fifth? That's the Hobbit calendar, which won't come into use for over a thousand years![/Tolkien Pedantry] Also, note the throwaway line about Harry being immortal. You'd think this would be a huge deal, but it barely gets mentioned.

Quote :

"Have you come to contest the will of the Dark Lord Sauron?" asked Elrond seriously. I truly frowned at this question. This realm had a Dark Lord as well. Could this be why the Dragon sent me here? If I learned how to fight against this Sauron, could I contest Voldemort properly when I returned home?

If you can beat Sauron (which you can't, I don't care if your power level is over 9000 or not), then Voldemort will be a piece of lembas. [Tolkien Pedantry]Note that Sauron was still powerless and formless at this point in time, and thus it would be unlikely for someone to show up to fight him. However, Elrond knows better than most that Sauron is not utterly gone. [/Tolkien Pedantry]

Quote :

"I am but sixteen years old, Lord Elrond, but my experience is more than many elders of my realm can demonstrate, I have come here for precisely that reason," I said, "to a place where time has no meaning for me, where I can prepare to meet my destiny in this realm and the other."

Arrogant much? And why is Harry all of a sudden trying (note: trying) to sound like a Tolkien character? Also, he didn't ask to be sent to somewhere where he was immortal, he just asked for training. This immortality thing really bugs me: are humans transported from Potter/DBZworld to Middle-Earth automatically rendered immortal for the duration of their stay, or is this the result of an additional tweak by the Dragon?

Quote :

"Welcome, wizard, among the elves you will be known as Thaurdacil, please use this name and not the native one from your realm, it will avoid much confusion," stated Elrond

Working from my limited knowledge of Elvish and the list of words and word roots in the back of my copy of the Silmarillion, I reckon 'Thaurdacil' is supposed to mean 'evil-victor' literally (from thaur, as in Gorthaur or Thauron/Sauron, and -dacil, as in Romendacil or Hyarmendacil), or something like 'Destroyer of Evil' more figuratively. This seems like an awfully grandiose title for Elrond to confer on an unusual person who he just met and has no definite reason to trust. Hell, as far as Elrond knows Harry could potentially be Sauron in disguise.

Quote :

I turned and walked to my door and opened it. There I was greeted with another sight of beauty.

"Greetings Thaurdacil," bowed a she-elf. She had smooth long honey blonde hair and she wore robes of purest white. Her eyes were blue as sapphires and her face was soft but strong, her nose was tiny, and I could only think of that as totally cute. Her pointed ears were remarkably pronounced, but her stature was quite small, I stood a full head above her. "I am ordered to guide you to the hall for lunch," she said.

"Certainly," I replied, "and you are?"

"I am called Enebaiel," she replied looking down from meeting my eyes. I hardly knew of proper protocol in greeting like this and in this realm. But her beauty kicked in a memory of seeing something on television back home. I reached down and took her hand and softly kissed it.

I have never recalled being so nervous in my life, as I awaited her reaction after dropping her hand. She still refused to meet my eyes but I could definitely see a tinge of red colouring her cheeks.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Enebaiel," I replied hoping to get the pronunciation right.

A little later, we will learn that Enebaiel (this doesn't sound like an Elvish name to me, I've never seen the -aiel suffix anywhere in Tolkien) is the same chronological age as Harry, i.e. 16. Now, Tolkien's Elves reach full growth and puberty around 50, and adulthood around 100. That means that, even if we assume their infancy is relatively short, Enebaiel is something like the equivalent of an 8-10 year old human. So, in conclusion, Harry is acting like a total paedophile. And why in the heck would a young child be sent to escort a mysterious stranger of dubious origin down to dinner?

Note that Halcyon acknowledges Elves' slow maturation later on, though it's not clear (since Enebaiel seems to be meant to be nearly fully grown but is later acknowledged not to have come of age) whether he's drawing on Tolkien's own information, making stuff up, or using the details of someone else's elves. Thus the whole "Harry macking on a pre-adolescent" issue is not explainable simply by the author having Elves mature as fast as humans so that the two are at a similar stage developmentally (which would be wrong but at least consistent).

Quote :

"Thank you Lord Elrond," I replied and took a seat. I finally had a chance to study the she-elf and found her another study in beauty. If all the she-elves in Rinvendell were of this nature, I knew I was in deep trouble. The braids of her dark hair were touched by no frost and she was remarkably similar in form to Elrond, young she was and yet not. Her white arms and clear face were flawless and smooth, and the light of the stars was in her bright eyes grey as a cloudless night, she wore the presence of a Queen and thought and knowledge were in her eyes. Above her brow her head was covered with a cap of silver lace netted with small gems, glittering white; her soft grey clothes had no adornment save a girdle of leaves wrought in silver.

And another description stolen from LotR clangs into the middle of the story. Note that it seems Arwen wore the same clothes for 2,518 years, since the lifted passage originally described her appearance at the feast in Rivendell before the Council of Elrond.

Quote :

At this point Elledan started a conversation.

This must be Elladan's twisted clone.

Quote :

"Forgive the question Thaurdacil, when I found you in the river, your hair was but short. Now you have long tresses that rival Arwen's, how can this be?" he asked with a slightly teasing look to his younger sister.

"You have my thanks for fishing me out of the river Elladan," I replied my mouth slightly quirking with a restrained smile, "one of the many skills a wizard may posses is extreme control over his body." I closed my eyes and briefly concentrated, changing my hair colour to a light blonde, and altering my ears to mirror those of an elf, and finally changing my eyes to blue. Next I focused on altering my features to a close replica of the twin. I regarded Elladan's rather shocked expression with amusement. "Are the ears wrong?" I asked lightly.

Elladan: "Yes. Tolkien never wrote about Elves having pointy ears."
Harry: "Whatever. By the way, did I mention that I have SPESHUL POWURZ that are better than anything you can do?"

Quote :

"Of course it's not, I doubt I could throw a veil over my appearance that would affect how your minds perceive me," I replied returning idly to eating my meal, "your minds are well protected, indeed all the elves I have seen here are as well, do you train it, or are you born naturally with it?"

Harry: "Oh yeah, I've been trying to read your minds all evening without your permission. Hope you don't mind."

Quote :

The others at the table had finished their meals and the plates were taken away by elves, among who were Enebaiel. I found my eyes lingering on her as she took my plate and headed out of the hall, remarkably she had her eyes locked on mine as well. I broke contact as idly as possible and felt rather bothered.

Can you feel the subtlety of the foreshadowing? After this, Elrond basically agrees to let Harry crash at Rivendell indefinitely and to train him in how to survive in Middle-Earth (never mind that the place is pretty safe at this point in time, at least near Rivendell where Arnor is thriving).

Quote :

"A question if I may Lord Elrond," I said, my curiosity rather got the better of me, the Lord of Rivendell nodded, "how old is Enebaiel?" I asked, my nervousness clearly showing. Lord Elrond smiled enigmatically and traded a glance with Arwen.

"You share your ages," he stated softly.

Elrond: "So stop checking her out, you pervert!"

Later, Harry wanders into the healers' wing for some more cute (by which I mean nauseating) romantic foreshadowing.

Quote :

I walked closer and saw that it was Enebaiel who was lying on top of the covers as the elfling's hand was being examined. I walked closer and my approach was noticed by both. I could feel Enebaiel's stare on me as I walked to the other side of the bed.

If you describe her as an elfling, doesn't that confirm that she's a CHILD and you shouldn't be kissing her hand or eyeing her up? Have I wandered into A Song of Ice and Fire or something?

Quote :

"Allow me," I merely said and drew my wand slowly. The Healer seemed too curious to stop me. I met Enebaiel's eyes again and twirled the wand. "Sano," I muttered softly and a blue light emitted from my wand. The spell sealed the cut and it looked like there wouldn't even be a scar. I had picked up the spell from Madam Pomfrey after one of my many stays in her ward over the years. Enebaiel frowned disbelievingly as she rubbed at her now uninjured hand, obviously testing it to see if it was an illusion.

"Young man," said the Healer in an impressed tone, "you have done this youngling a great service, and it would have been a difficult task to keep a scar from the hand."

"It's a pleasure," I said with a smile, "unfortunately I do not specialize in applying my power to the Healing arts, it is but a trifle spell picked up from my many stays in wards such as these."

Harry: "Aren't I awesome?"
Healer: "...yeah. Did you consider that your amateur mucking about might easily have made her bleed to death or something for all you know?"
Harry: "Nonsense! I've never heard of a well-meaning amateur mucking around with healing magic they know little or nothing about and causing someone serious injury!"
Gilderoy Lockhart: "Me neither!"

Quote :

"Pity," said the Healer. I looked for a moment to Enebaiel, who was still looking at her healed hand. I bowed my head to take my leave and heard as I was about to walk out of the ward: "Thank you Thaurdacil," said Enebaiel. I turned and nodded with a smile at her.

Harry: "You can thank me later, elfling, and I'll give you some candy. But it has to be our little secret."
Enebaiel: *cries*

Quote :

I returned to my quarters and brought out my interactive Pensieve for the first time since I had arrived in Middle-Earth. Once inside I was debating whether or not to tell the memory Dumbledore, about where I now was, how I got to Middle-Earth, and the reasons why. But I reasoned instantly that he would have to know for the sake of merely keeping him informed as to my situation, and considering some of the things I would ask him to train me in.

Why would you *not* tell him? Wouldn't it be nice to discuss this strange new world you're in with a familiar face? Oh, I forgot, this is Vulcan!Harry. What is Halcyon's obsession (again, also seen in Rose Potter) with having his protagonists keep their supposed friends on a need-to-know basis?

Naturally, Dumbledore isn't surprised or perturbed by any of what's been going on, so he and Harry get to studying Apparition.

Quote :

I had as yet not been able to apparate, but Albus told me that it would at least take a week to get to my first apparition at the rate of study we were going at.

OH NOEZ!1!!11! What a shock and hardship! Something Harry can't master instantly!

Quote :

I would have to learn to reduce my apparition displacement, which was the loud popping and cracking noises I heard whenever someone apparated. Albus said that the Weasley twins were a good example of overly excessive apparition displacement.

Harry: "I shall soon be far superior to those clowns!"

Quote :

"As your skill with the blade increases, you can ask the smiths to tailor a blade for you, or if you really want to, you could learn to make the blade yourself and perhaps imbue it with virtues and powers as you see fit," explained Elrond to me as I panted with sweat running down my face. I was dressed only in my jeans and shoes and had long discarded the shirt I wore as it became soaked with sweat. I noted with grim amusement that Elrond seemed to have hardly broken a sweat.

Yay Elrond! Show the Marty Stu how it's done! After some more training babble and a few more filler scenes, we...skip forward four decades. Yeah. Apparently nothing of note happens for the next 41 years.

Quote :

Arda, Middle-Earth, Year 541 of the Third Age

I sat upon my white stallion, who I named Izre, which was merely a shortened version of my true name in Adunaic. I had decided to travel incognito, so I wore elvish clothes and leggings and boots, with ornate leather gauntlets. I had not fashioned my own sword yet, so I bore the sword that I always trained with. On my back was quiver full with arrows and a bow slung over it. My ears were morphed to those of an elf's but my wand was always with me, ready to use at a moments notice. My hair had long since been braided in elf-fashion and was out of my face if I were to find myself in battle. With me were Elladan and Elohir on their own steeds. We were slowly trotting on the outskirts of Trollshaws forest, just west of Rivendell.
A scout report had reached Elrond that a number of orcs had been sighted moving into the forest. Elladan was leading point with his mount and they peered into the forest.

[Tolkien Pedantry] OK, first? The Trollshaws were within the borders of Arnor at this point in time. Granted, not a densely populated part of Arnor - when the kingdom split up, it became part of Rhudaur - but still, there probably weren't any random bands of Orcs wandering into the place, and if there were, I assume Arnor had its own military that was capable of dealing with them. Middle-Earth was not a World of Warcraft-esque place filled with wandering monsters everywhere except in the large settlements for most of the Third Age. [/Tolkien Pedantry]

Second: Stop showing off! We know you have Metamorphmagus powers because the author misunderstood Harry's accidental magic in canon; we don't need to hear about it every five minutes. Also, it takes more to make you look like an Elf than pointy ears.

Quote :

The forest was rather dark under its boughs and it was rather hard for me to see or make out anything, but I was actually sensing with my magic more, and what I read did not bode well.

OK, what is with this random 'sensing' of things? Is it supposed to be Legilimency (which I wasn't aware had a long enough range to find anything you couldn't normally see if it wasn't invisible), or something else?

Quote :

"Glamhoth," I whispered. (Orcs)

Stop that.

Quote :

My two comrades nodded, it rather astounded me that there were orcs this close to Rivendell. I pulled out my bow and kept it in my left hand. The bow was the first weapon I chose to make of my own. It was ornately carved with designs and patterns native to Rivendell, and I had imbued a few native powers within it. Any arrow that the bow fired was enchanted to pierce armour effortlessly, it would probably work with anything except mithril armor, which was rare enough anyway and no orc would wear it. Another virtue that it had was that it was indestructible from normal harm.

Oh, how very speshul. Yawn. This reads like someone describing a bad character for an RPG. "So, like, he can change his appearance at will! And, like, he dresses like an elf! And he has, like, this bow that can kill anything and is indestructible and produces 2d8 pieces of delicious candy every day!"

Quote :

"Dar-si Izra, Im thel-be ad," I murmured to my stallion, stroking his great neck. (Stay here Izra, I will be back) Izra snorted in acceptance.

Stop that! Even Tolkien, language nut that he was, knew better than to put frakkin' subtitles in his text.

Quote :

The three of us skulked into the forest, our footfalls as light as swift and surefooted. Not a sound betrayed our movement; I was rather amazed at the silence with which I walked. Lord Elrond was an excellent and exacting tutor.

The wonder of offscreen super-training! OK, I'll gloss over Harry, Elladan and Elrohir slaughtering several groups of Orcs without much difficulty.

Quote :

The hunt had taken us through most of the night and the sun was peaking just as we mounted our horses again, for the journey back to Rivendell. We ate some elfish way bread (lemdas) as we rode home, as we did not want to stop to eat. Halfway through the morning we passed the fords that crossed the Bruinnen River and we finally arrived in Rivendell at midday.

[Tolkien Pedantry]Elvish, not elfish. Bruinen, not Bruinnen. And what is 'lemdas'? Is that some kind of Hong Kong knockoff lembas? Also, again with the bracketed subtitles. [/Tolkien Pedantry]

Quote :

I was trained to ride in elfish fashion the horse will bear you or it will not, as simple as that.

Apparently you weren't trained in using punctuation.

Quote :

"Istar-ion, stay a moment," ordered Lord Elrond. The name Elrond addressed me with had come with the close relationship I had developed with the Chief Eldar. I had very little parental upbringing in my life, and after two years at Rivendell I confessed this to Elrond during a language training session. Elrond suggested that he be an outlet for this, but I felt the only way I could share the experience with Elrond was by depositing the memories in the Pensive.

[Tolkien Pedantry] Firstly, Elrond is not the 'Chief Eldar'. There is no 'Chief Eldar'. Gil-Galad was the last High King of the Noldor, which was the closest thing to one, and he's dead. Elrond is one of at least three equals along with Galadriel and Cirdan (and that doesn't take into account Celeborn, or Amroth, who is still alive at this point, or Thranduil). The only grounds I can see for him being above them is that he bears the most powerful of the Three Rings, but there's no indication that the others defer to him. [/Tolkien Pedantry]

Secondly, way to cop out of actually showing us Harry's angst being 'fixed'!

Quote :

It was barely a day afterwards that Elrond told me that he was 'adopting' me, by elfish standards anyway. Elrond had told me that I needed to experience a proper parental upbringing or else it could lead to problems later in life, and that he needed to experience love and affection among family.

How touching. I may weep openly. Also, I *really* hope that last sentence is mistyped and isn't really supposed to say that Elrond 'needed to experience love and affection among family'. Elrond knew his parents and his brother, and he has a wife and three children (all of whom have been or will be mentioned in this story, so no ignorance plea for you!)!

Quote :

"Ha ennas tarias, ada?" I asked with a frown of concern. (What is the problem father?)
(snip)
"Aphad-nin," beckoned Lord Elrond and walked out of the Hall of Fire. (Follow me,)

STOP THAT! And learn to use commas!

Quote :

Elrond walked me through his home to a dimly lighted and pillared corridor; I had never much paid mind to what was down here.

...you've lived in this place for 41 years and never bothered to look down this particular corridor? I guess you figured it didn't contain any power-ups.

Quote :

"Sauron," I stated in another world as I lightly touched the representation of the Dark Lord, "Voldemort has the exact same eyes."

Movie!Sauron is several times Voldemort's size and isn't snakelike at all. Why would his eyes look eactly the same?

Quote :

"Yeah, I mean to hold dominion over all three races and an entire world, Sauron actually achieved it," I sighed heavily,

Um, excuse me. [Tolkien Pedantry]At no point did Sauron ever have dominion over all the members of any of the three races, nor did he ever control the entire world. The Elves never fell under his sway because they saw through him after he made the One, he couldn't control the Dwarves directly because the Seven didn't work the way he intended, and while he presumably was close to controlling all Men when he managed to take over Numenor by subterfuge, the Faithful at the very least weren't under his sway.[/Tolkien Pedantry] This smacks of lazy movie-canon usage, which is weird since the author goes out of his way to use material from LotR's appendices.

Quote :

"The nine Kings refused to cast their Rings aside, and they became slaves to Sauron's will, they are now called the Nazgul, or Ringwraiths. It's odd though; their descriptions make them almost sound like Dementors at least in terms of their effects on a person, but they barely manifest a physical form," I frowned.

"Indeed," frowned Albus speculatively.

"That's it!" I cried excitedly, now that the subject had been breached. Albus had asked me what I wanted to learn next and I told him I would decide on my errand to the Trollshaw forest. "Let's figure out a way to kill a Dementor," I smiled brightly.

Yet more stuff borrowed from the Rose Potter saga (readers of which will recall that Rose used THE POWER OF DRUIDIC NUDITY OMG to create a Golden Patronus that could kill Dementors).

Harry goes to do some research in the library (somewhere, Hermione is crying tears of joy), and we return to the romantic subplot:

Quote :

"Sullinad Enebaiel," I greeted without looking up. (Greetings Enebaiel)

Stop that, Cthulhudamnit! Also, don't bother looking up to greet your supposed true love. It would be so terrible if you gave way to your supposedly uncontrollable passion for five minutes and wrenched your attention away from looking up ways to become more awesome.

Quote :

"Sullinad Thaurdacil," her honey rich musical voice greeted me. That voice never failed to amaze me, for a while I had wondered if Fawkes had appeared and she had taken lessons from the Phoenix. "Man a le cared?" she asked with a smile. (What are you doing?)

I finally looked up and met her sapphire eyes, and I knew someday those eyes would be the death of me, as they sparkled with mischievousness and I could see a small smile tugging at her mouth.

Enebaiel was far from the elfling I met forty-one years ago. She had grown to her adult height but was still shorter than I was by a couple of inches. She had filled in all the right places, enough that she was even more the study of beauty to my eyes, and it irritated me. I was like a moth to a flame. We had formed a steady friendship over the years and we rather shared our commiserations with each other, as we were both in heavy training. She was still underage by Elf standards and she only 'graduated' at age one hundred and twenty five.

Right, so the author acknowledges what I was talking about earlier. Let's take a look at the numbers. Harry and Enebaiel are both 57 years old now. As an Elf, that makes her the equivalent of maybe 12-14. Harry, on the other hand, is mentally (at least in theory) the equivalent of a middle-aged to elderly human. Bear this in mind, we'll be back to it later.

And as for that whole description...help! Call the Cliche Police!

Quote :

"Athea?" she asked.(Help?) I nodded happily and she grabbed one of the books I had selected and began leafing through it.

See, she can't even speak properly yet. Seek counselling, Harry.

Quote :

"Aurors? I'm not familiar with that word," she stated. I mentally kicked myself for forgetting that Enebaiel would not know.

Apparently you haven't told her very much about your home in the last 41 years, and haven't got used to people needing things explained either. (He had to explain what Dementors were in an earlier passage.)

Quote :

It was as we walked over the stone bridge that linked the two sections of the House of Elrond that I became aware of troubling emotions coming from my friend. That was odd in itself; Enebaiel had a much disciplined mind and occluded her mind wonderfully. But something was happening that broke through all that training. I could sense frustration and fear mostly. I stopped her by lightly grabbing her upper arm.

Harry: "I was busy reading your mind when I discovered a plot point. Hope you don't mind that I mind-raped you without permission, as usual."

Quote :

"You know Healer Nestad?" she asked somewhat rhetorically. Nestad was the matronly elf healer who I often consulted with when I studied magical healing some years ago. I nodded with a frown, wondering where this was going. "In a few weeks she wants to visit her kin in Lorthlorien, and I cannot be apprenticed to another Healer to fill in for her, as she plans to stay for about three hundred years," she continued rather miserably. A flit of emotions burned themselves in me, my only best friend other than my adopted kin, was leaving. Anger roiled through me and my jaw tightened as I suppressed acting out on any irrational action that it may inspire.

Once again channeling Rose, Harry's natural response to any problem is anger.

Also, as we'll see in a minute, travelling to Lothlorien - sorry, Lorthlorien - seems to be regarded as an easy jaunt that doesn't require careful planning or an escort (which it probably would be at this point in history). Why, then, would it be necessary to not come back for 300 years? Other than contrived angst, that is?

Quote :

"If your parents were here, they would take Nestad to task for doing this," I growled. Enebaiel's parents felt the calling to take the ship into the West merely five years after she was born, and a lot of the she-elves had helped in raising her, Arwen was most prominent in that role however.

They left their five-year-old behind? Why? What was the rush? Considering how rarely Elves have kids, that seems very unlikely. Also, lots of Elves feel the call of the Sea and don't leave immediately. Legolas stuck around for over 120 years after LotR, for example.

Ah, wait, I think I have it. They saw a vision in the Mirror of Galadriel that one day an overpowered Stu would come from another world and molest their daughter. Believing they couldn't avert this and not wanting to be around to see it, they skedaddled.

Quote :

"Very well," I laughed trying to make the best of the situation, "how are you travelling?"

"By foot, what else? It is two hundred miles to Lothlorien as the crow flies, and you have to cross the mountains," she stated insistently.

"How many are in the party taking you?" I asked with a frown.

"It's just me and Nestad," she stated simply.

"You can't be serious?" I asked aghast that they would travel on their own.

"Hey, we may both be Healers but we can wield blade as true as any," said Enebaiel, "besides you and the twins hewed over fifty orcs in a single night."

"We had initiative, surprise and a little planning on our side, something you two will not have," I retorted, "that settles it, I am coming with you."

This is extremely stupid. If the road to Lothlorien is safe, Harry is being dumb. If it isn't, everyone apart from Harry (or at least Nestad) is being dumb. Elrond promptly appears and says Harry should go along. If it was that obvious, why was Nestad ever intending not to take an escort?

Quote :

"Even if she did not agree, I would have ordered Thaurdacil to accompany you on the journey to Lorien," said Elrond his eyes blazing as he stared Enebaiel down, who looked contrite and kept her eyes fixed on the floor. "You still have a long way to go Enebaiel, your outburst served no purpose, and your emotions are worn on your sleeve," said Elrond in a strong voice.

Since when are Elves Vulcans or Jedi?

Quote :

Elrond disappeared into the house and I turned to see how Enebaiel was doing. I was nearly bowled over as she charged at me and threw her arms around my chest in a deep hug. She buried her face in my chest and I could feel sobs pound through her body and her tears started to wet my robes. I in turn put my arms around her immediately and stroked her hair, murmuring calming noises into her ear.

Enebaiel: "Thaurdacil? Why are you carrying a dagger there?"
Harry: "But I'm not wearing a dagger today...uh-oh."

Quote :

I was really curious as to why she was so emotional, what kind of tears were these? Was it the fact that she was leaving Rivendell? Her emotions were a torrent that washed over me and I could make little sense of it, what I could make out was huge relief and frustration.

Maybe she's frustrated that you keep reading her mind without permission rather than just asking her about her problems?

Quote :

"I could not bear the thought of leaving you for that long," she mumbled. My heart was racing as she said that. "I have no kin in Lothlorien, even here I only have you and Arwen," she said.

"Do you want me to move with you?" I asked after only thinking for a moment, my feelings on this matter was rather clear.

"Would you?" she asked hopefully raising her head and meeting my eyes. Right now I was wondering if I was getting a heart attack, her gaze lanced through my soul.

Harry: "...reducing me to ash. My last thoughts as I drifted into the hereafter were ones of embarassment."

Gods, why does this have to be portrayed as such an overblown load of angst?

Quote :

"Yes," I answered simply. What happened next I would remember forever; we both sought each others lips for a tentative first kiss. Her lips were wonderfully soft I thought in addition to the fact that it felt like I was on fire. Her arms hooked around my neck and forced me to lean a bit down as the kiss deepened. Through my soul, I sensed how hers and mine fitted together, it was as if we were one soul that resided in two bodies, and I felt the bonds that connected us. I broke the kiss slowly.

See comments above regarding their relative effective ages. This is basically a well-preserved middle-aged man snogging a girl in her early teens. Paging the Middle-Earth Special Victims Unit, paging the Middle-Earth Special Victims Unit!

(Door crashes open)
Elioth: "Police! Hands off her, you sick bastard!"
Oliviel: "It's OK, Enebaiel, you're safe now."

(BING BONG)

(Later)
Oliviel: "We know Harry had been touching you in ways he shouldn't for a long time. Why didn't you tell anyone?"
Enebaiel: "I don't know. It felt sort of wrong...but he said there was nothing unusual about it, that it didn't matter that Men grow up faster than Elves. Then when I said I wanted to ask Lord Elrond about it, he threatened to curse me!"

(Interview Room 1)
Harry: "I haven't done anything wrong! We're the same age!"
Elioth: "Yeah, right. You called her an 'elfling' and 'underage'; you knew what you were doing was wrong, you just didn't care. I oughta bust your face in!"

OK, moving on, in the next passage we learn that that whole soulbond business wasn't just some nebulous piece of purple prose:

Quote :

"How long have you known?" I asked softly, referring to the bonds that I sensed.

"Ever since Arwen taught me how to sense the bonds, about five years ago," she replied sincerely. It strained me to know how long she had kept this fact bottled up; it would have saved me many sleepless nights wondering how she felt.

OK, first, ELVES DON'T DO TELEPATHIC LOVE SOULBONDS. Second, it's all about *you*, isn't it?

Quote :

"Really?" frowned Elrond, I nodded in reply. "And you both provided a physical basis for the acknowledgement of your bonds?" he asked, I gathered he was asking that we kissed, I nodded again.

Elrond then called the police and had Harry taken away and locked up for interfering with a minor. Sadly, no. Instead, we get this:

Quote :

"You and Enebaiel are of one soul, very rare, and as soon as you both acknowledged this to be fact, it tied you to the fate of the Eldar, in other words Istar-ion, when you return to your home realm you will remain immortal from a natural death," explained Elrond. I felt my stomach drop through the floor at this statement.

Read my lips: you can have a romance plot without super-speshul soul-sharing and telepathic bonding and other magical hoopla. In fact, it's usually better if you don't. Soulbondy stuff is usually stupid, as well as being difficult for us normal people to relate to.

Quote :

"See beyond what is, see through reality, see, see," chanted Elrond. I gasped at what I did now see. From my body a strong white glow radiated, I looked up and the world around me had changed to my perception, Elrond I saw now as a glowing white figure too and the rest of the world was matted in a swirling blur. I gasped and closed my eyes hastily retreating; when I opened them the world seemed normal. "You now saw a realm parallel to this to which you are now a resident, as is I"

For this scene, the part of Elrond will be played by Ali G.

Elrond: "I is supernatural, aight? Wicked!"

Also, why has this never happened to any other elf-human pair throughout history, at least not without them going through death and resurrection or travel to Valinor?

Quote :

"I need time," was all I said and retreated out of the room to dwell on the fact that I would outlive everyone back home, if Voldemort did not kill me.

Note that we never get another word about Harry 'dwelling' on the fact that he's been Cursed With Awesome. That's right. Not a sausage. Seems he wasn't all that broken up about it.

Quote :

A week later I had all my belongings in my trunk and shrunk it and clipped it to a necklace that hung around my neck. I had placed a modified Unbreakable Sticking charm on the necklace; so that none save I could remove it from my neck. I was dressed in full Elf regalia. I also had my bow, sword, quiver, wand and a backpack full of provisions. The backpack I had charmed and transfigured to be feather light and have a twice as large interior. As a final touch I morphed my ears to complete my elfish disguise.

YAAAAAWWWWWNNNNNN. Note that he doesn't appear to have done any of this l33t stuff for either of his travelling companions. Also, what is 'full elf regalia'? That, to me, implies some kind of ceremonial uniform, not everyday travelling clothes.

Quote :

I looked up from the map to regard my two companions. Enebaiel slept soundly, and it was rather fascinating for me to watch her like this. She was a picture of peaceful slumber. Her hands were cushioned under her cheek to relieve the pressure from the hard ground underneath.

Every move you make,
Every breath you take,
I'll be watching you...

Quote :

The night was uneventful and I woke my companions just before dawn. Enebaiel could not resist the urge to kiss me as I woke her, and it rather pleasantly surprised me that she would be so bold.

You can really feel the passion in this narration. [Nineties]Not![/Nineties]

I'll skip some travelogue here. Harry decides he'll show off and create a boat so they can travel part of the way by river. Naturally, he didn't bother to suggest this before they set out so that they could, for example, reduce the amount of food they had to carry. He also shows off by pwning some Easterlings who seem to have somehow made it all the way across Gondor and up the Anduin just to give him some XP. They get to Lothlorien, and we find that the author doesn't know Amroth ruled there till TA1982, and get to another persistent source of WTFery:

Quote :

"It is wise of you to remain hidden in your comings and goings Thaurdacil, you are the first herald of the doom of Sauron," said Galadriel, "and you will not be the last."

"Others will come then?" I asked realizing what she was saying.

"No doubt," said Galadriel and closed her eyes, "I can see their coming and I can tell you now that most of them would hardly be enamoured of your presence."

"That's just tough, because I am here to stay until the blight of Sauron is removed from this Middle-Earth, I will do it with or without their help," I growled.

This will be a persistent theme throughout the remaining chapters: Harry acts like a total jerk with respect to the Five Wizards, even before he's met them, and they don't like him much either. Why? Everyone else and their dog kisses up to Harry like whoa. Does the author really, really hate Gandalf or something?

Quote :

"Quarters have been provided for you," said Celeborn, "Haldir will show you the way."

BZZT! Go to the back of the class! Haldir is a marchwarden in LotR, not a butler. Perhaps he changed career path after meeting Harry.

Quote :

"Sleep well Thaurdacil," said Galadriel, "for tomorrow I will come to you for your training, it is long and exhaustive. You could spend two centuries mastering the skills I teach."

More training. What is this, Dragonball Z...oh, wait.

Quote :

I was dismissed from the Lady's presence but caught Enebaiel's eyes before leaving and gave her a message from my mind. I will find you as soon as I have some free time. Her eyes sparkled and she returned: I shall be looking forward to that.

Enebaiel's stalling for time so she can get Galadriel alone and tell her about how the scary human keeps making her feel dirty.

Quote :

"An orphan you are then in your native realm?" asked Galadriel. I only nodded in answer.

Guest starring Yoda as Galadriel! Now there's a mental image.

"Instead of a Dark Lord, a Queen you would have? Not dark shall I be, but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the Sea! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! Love me and despair, all shall!"

Quote :

And so I began learning. I quickly realised that the magic of the Elves was more subtle than the overt power of a wizard. For one it was a magic that was done without a wand or similar device that help focus and channel the magic. I also realised that the power of the Eldar that I was channelling was not necessarily inside me, in fact it was all around me, and I merely served as a conduit for it.

Galadriel ended the day's instruction with me barely able to call forth this power. But the little I had touched of it made my eyes wide with awe and wonder. Could this really be the power that I needed to defeat Voldemort? It seemed that way at least. No doubt I would find some answers over the next couple of centuries.

Note that the subtle and beautiful magic of the Elves is just another means for Harry to become more awesome.

Quote :

Just as I was about to leave, another she-elf entered the garden. And but for a moment I thought that Arwen was here for some reason. But Arwen did not have this face. It was clear now that this was Celebrian, the wife of Elrond. Long had I heard of her from the twins, but words would never do her justice. It was clear that twins had inherited her face.

She looked at me fondly, and I felt myself flush as I could not meet her gaze.

Harry: I wished I had never read that fanfic Dudley had printed off the Internet...

Quote :

"So is this the son that Elrond has adopted, mother?" asked Celebrian with a glint in her eye. It hit me to that I should have considered Galadriel as my grandmother. I cursed myself for my forgetfulness.

"Yes, indeed," replied Galadriel laughing softly at my sheepishness.

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you Naneth," I bowed and Celebrian came forward and hugged me. (Mother)

(snip)

I left with my newly discovered family, content and happy for the first time in a long while.

Wait...you weren't content when you found your true love earlier? You weren't happy when you were getting all chummy with the inhabitants of Rivendell?

And with this touching quasi-family scene, the chapter draws to a close. And JRR Tolkien claws his way out of his grave as a Barrow-Wight, teams up with JK Rowling's army of law ninja, and inflicts horrifying venegeance on Keiran Halcyon. Mercifully, the next chapter picks up 320 years later, so I won't be forced to continue the whole "Harry is a child molester" running gag whenever he has an allegedly tender moment with Enebaiel. Instead, I can content myself with mocking the triteness and bad writing of the romantic subplot.

Wow, that's dedication... I just read half of your snark (which I'm going to finish, because it's good) and a sense of "hours of my life that I'll never have again" already rubbed off me. I don't want to know what it meant to read it all...

Wow, Kieran wrote something where nobody was naked and there were no pseudo-lesbians?

karmyn31 wrote:

Wow, Kieran wrote something where nobody was naked and there were no pseudo-lesbians?

Fear not, they could still turn up.

Keith, I salute your dedication to finding (and ably snarking) some of the worst fanfic I've ever read. Though it seems odd that Kieran would pass up a chance to make Harry the 10th Walker.

And the 'Middle Earth Special Victims Unit', with the elves charging Harry with pedophilia, was hilarious.

karmyn31 wrote:

Wow, Kieran wrote something where nobody was naked and there were no pseudo-lesbians?

I think Harry is naked when he wakes up at Rivendell, and there's a reference to a spell that removes clothes. This is his only fic I can think of that doesn't feature nudism as a plot point or philosophy, though, and pseudo-lesbians are conspicuous by their absence.

RabidBadger wrote:

Though it seems odd that Kieran would pass up a chance to make Harry the 10th Walker.

Oh, he does, in a later chapter - yes, he hangs around Middle-Earth "training*" for 2,518 years (and marries and has very boring-sounding sex with Enebaiel, surprise surprise) until Frodo and the Ring show up. The fic was also snarked at Deleterius - link here, the fic profile at the beginning mentions some of the stuff I didn't get to. Part of the fic is MSTed further down the post, and there are links at the end to more MSTing clips.

*Halcyon makes Middle-Earth sound like a very boring place whose only purpose is as a giant MMORPG for Harry to level-grind in so he can curb-stomp (warning: TV Tropes link) Voldemort. There seems to be very little mention of him doing anything for fun other than romancing/sexing Enebaiel.