Harry Potter and the Canon-Bending Cancer Fic

I haven't attempted a snark since GAFF went down, and I figured now's as good a time as any.
In this fic, Harry gets cancer and... let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

I bring you Recnac Transfaerso.

This was mostly written before OotP came out, and it shows.

It has a typical beginning for a Harry Potter fic:

Quote :

For Harry, the summer after his fourth year began as a living hell. Apparently, the Dursleys hadn’t been as forgiving with the Ton-Tongue Toffee incident as they had with previous ones. Now, along with the usual punishment of being weighed down with chores, they had started abusing him as well. Now, Harry was used to Dudley and his gang roughing him up a bit, and the occasional slaps and hair-grabbings from his aunt and uncle, but now it was different. He had never been truly afraid of his uncle before, but now, as Harry’s “punishments” got worse, he noticed a strange gleam in his uncle’s eyes that gave a plain message to Harry: even though his uncle was beating him with more passion than he had ever before, he clearly was restraining himself from doing what he really wanted to do: kill him.

Harry responds in a totally reasonable way: he not only puts up with it, but lies about it to his friends.

Finally, Harry gets some relief from his "living hell" when a new family moves in. After yet more over-the-top abuse, the Stensons call the authorities, but naturally nothing comes of it. But then, why would they? Who are they to stand in the way of The Almighty Cliche?

Sadly, things aren't going well for the Stenson family either: Mr. Stenson has cancer.

Quote :

“Well, it’s just an estimation, many patients live ten times as long as they first guess without even being cured...but they have said that I’ve already had it for a while and well...they estimate about six months,” Mr. Stenson said hesitantly as though he wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing in revealing this information. Kota let out a sob and Harry gasped. That was so soon. And he was going to be at Hogwarts until at least December!

Eventually, Harry comes across a solution.

Quote :

"Well, dear, let me finish. There was a spell long ago that a wizard invented to save his Muggle mother. It was only used a few times before it was generally decided not to be used again."
"But why would they outlaw a spell that was doing good?" Harry asked.
"I never said outlaw, they never made a law against it just in case they ever found a situation where it would be necessary, but it just dropped out of use. You see it didn't actually cure the cancer, but instead, transferred it from one body to another. The one to do the spell had to take on the cancer themselves. The spell could only be performed on the cancer once, so it couldn't just be transferred around so nobody dies from it. The wizard or witch who performed the spell would have to take it on themselves."
"Were the wizards able to fight it better than the Muggles? I mean, wouldn't their magic help?" Harry asked.
"No, dear. Every one of the few people who tried the spell died from the disease

So whoever cast this spell would basically be committing suicide. Harry knows better than that, right?

Right?

Quote :

Mr. Stenson nodded and lay back, shutting his eyes. Harry closed his eyes as well and willed all of his concentration into the words he needed to say and the effect it was supposed to have.
"Anackarinina demienne hemeness. Medetatu hatlaeh. Detutame recnac." He repeated the phrase three times and opened his eyes.
Mr. Stenson's hands were balled into fists and his face was in a grimace of pain. A green glow surrounded him and began turning redder and redder until there was no trace of green. Mr. Stenson became visibly relaxed but was still gasping for breath, keeping his eyes tightly closed as Harry had instructed only in order to prevent him from somehow seeing the cancer being transferred.
The light began to gather into a ball above his chest. Suddenly, a jet of the light burst out and hit Harry in the chest. It was incredible pain, like the Cruciatus curse but concentrated in one area. He dropped his wand and slapped his hands over where the light was entering but the light went right through his hands.
The ball of light became smaller as it traveled along the beam into Harry's chest. The more light that entered, the harder it was for him to breathe. He felt himself sink to his knees, gasping for air. The last thing he saw before collapsing to the ground was the last of the light being sucked into his chest.

Goddammit.

This doesn't even cover the shameless Cho-bashing in later chapters.

I'll let you take it from here.

But the spell to give yourself cancer is not "Anackarinina", it's "Jonkostantine".
Anackarinina is the spell that conjures a steam train to run you over.

EDIT: Ah, well, since I had to fix a typo anyway.

I don't remember how I came across this story, but whoever did had nothing but praise for it. Me, I could never get past the abusive Dursleys in the first place. Even if Petunia's knowledge (and possible debts or obligations) of the wizarding world hadn't been established before OoTP came out, there is the fact that Harry has a supposedly murderous wizard godfather and all the Dursleys put together have the collective courage of a poodle (of which about 5/6 come from Petunia).

The spell reminds me of the strip in which the Catholic priest Don Zauker wins an "exorcism showdown" with the formula... well, see it for yourself.

And this is why I hate when people create fiction about cancer; it's never tasteful. (Except A Walk to Remember - the book, not the movie.)

Ugly Swan wrote:

And this is why I hate when people create fiction about cancer; it's never tasteful. (Except A Walk to Remember - the book, not the movie.)

Exactly. Cancer is never a tasteful subject.
Except in A Walk to Remember; that was actually good.

So let me get this straight - the wizarding world can regrow a person's bones, reattach severed limbs (unless said limbs were severed by a curse), create potions that can "bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death"...

But they can't cure cancer.

Makes sense to me. If I had just had half my brains removed.