Harry Potter Turns to the Lord

This is a fic in which Harry Potter... converts to Christianity. I am not kidding.

Among the offenses this fic is guilty of are purple prose, "said" bookism, a random Gary Stu, and... let's face it, the whole thing just takes HP canon and throws it out the window. The author even had the gall to review his own fanfic... and he didn't even bother to use a sockpuppet.

I don't think anything else needs saying. Just read it for yourself.

Sorry if there's a thread for this fic already.

In before Cyberwulf comes in and tears you a new one...

If you wanna be here, you gotta snark the shit out of the story. Review it. Points in the chapter that are cringe-worthy and add something relatively humorous as commentary.

Just sayin'.

Just once, I'd like to see Harry - or any other HP character - embrace Christianity without abandoning magic.

Sorry, my mistake.

An example of the many ways in which this fic rapes HP canon, then?

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It was driving the young English sorceror to his wits end, and he could not concentrate during class, a behaviour swiftly noticed by one of his primary instructors, Dumbledore.

A relatively minor one, but as I recall, Dumbledore was the headmaster of Hogwarts, not one of its instructors.

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To clear his mind, Harry decided to take a broomstick flight outside of the Academy Grounds.

It was my understanding that Harry would not be allowed to leave the Academy grounds. I may be wrong about that, though, as it's been a while since I've read the books.

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As Harry was perceptive, he deduced that the man was a muggle, simply from his clothes.

How are muggle clothes any different from wizard clothes? I don't like the prejudicial undertones of this sentence.

Oh, but that's not the worst of it.

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"I refuse to believe it. Regardless of the nightmares I am suffering, I will not lower myself to the level of a lowly muggle!"

Yeah... Harry said that, by the way.

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Harry remained at David's seaside cottage for a week, for the nightmares did not intrude his sleep when he stayed there, for reasons he could not comprehend. David taught him all about Christ, and the ultimate sacrifice He made for the people of the world. And the more Harry heard of it, the more he understood of his wizardry and its evils.

Finally, he conceded, the Bible made too much sense to ignore.

That last sentence just made me laugh out loud.



Also, here are some of the many, many examples of said bookism.

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"Mister Potter," his teacher quipped, inquisitively.

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"Rubbish," yawned Harry, teetering precariously where he stood.

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"A wizard, you say?" mused David.

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"Dreams?" wondered Harry aloud, relating the tale to his own situation.

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"The Bible?" inquired Harry, dubiously.

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"Impossible!" thundered Harry.

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"I've made you some hot chocolate," he smiled.

And this one is evidence of a blatant Stu.

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"You're sharp," remarked David, admirably.

Yup, the author thinks he's admirable.


And then there's this:

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David advised Harry to pray a simple prayer, and that night, the confused and reluctant wizard knelt beside his bed and repeated the words softly.

"Lord," he began, "I come to you tonight to request your forgiveness, for I have so blindly devoted my life to the evils of the spirit world. I have given my very essence to the enemy of man, and taken joy in it as well. I am a sinner, Lord, and without your forgiveness, I am doomed to die and face the eternal trials of the netherworld, all because of my practicing of foul and wicked arts. Please, Lord. Please forgive me of my sins and welcome me into your loving kingdom. In your name I pray...Amen."

Harry opened his eyes and noticed that tears were streaming from them.

For the first time in his life, he felt loved, and accepted, and...pure.

He had been relieved of the wickedness that plagued him since the day he was born and he wept, both out of joy, and sorrow for all of his friends that remained blind to the real truth, indulging in the ultimate evil back at Hogwarts, convinced that their dark arts made them superior beings.

So guess what, guys? Harry "sees the error of his ways" and gives up wizardry, all thanks to our Gary Stu!

And then the story ends on this note:

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Musing over the profound and genuine words of his life-altering friend, Harry turned and began to trek away, not knowing where he would go or what he would do.

But with the Lord Jesus Christ by his side, he knew that things were going to be okay.

More evidence of Gary Stu here, and... yeah, I don't know if I can comment on this any further without it veering into religious debate.

Oh, and here's the review the author gave himself:

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Profound...

A true masterpiece, worthy of Christ's blessing.

Looks like someone has a god complex, no?

So there you have it. Go check out the story for yourselves if you want, since it's good for a laugh. And sorry if my review isn't up to snuff.

Harry gives up magic. He Who Shall Not Be Named takes over the world and kills everyone.

Good going DAVID.

Guess Trelawney got it wrong. The REAL prophecy must have been: "For neither can live while the other's a fundie."

...so not the Lord Voldemort then?

Sigh.

Minunlike wrote:

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Finally, he conceded, the Bible made too much sense to ignore.

That last sentence just made me laugh out loud.

Yeah, that's, uh, not the word I'd use.


What I want to know, did this person read Harry Potter? The dark evil satanist book? Or did they write a story based on what they heard about it?

I mean, on the one hand, HP-specific terminology. On the other, OOC-ness. If you're going the HP Is Evil route, you better hadn't be reading the books.

I'd like to see a fic where Voldemort converts to Christianity--and then tries to bring down the wizarding world because he thinks it's evil.

Minunlike wrote:

This is a fic in which Harry Potter... converts to Christianity. I am not kidding.
Sorry if there's a thread for this fic already.

It looks familiar indeed. This was MST3K'ed ages ago, but I had read the snark, not the fic itself.

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Another sleepless night for the world's most popular child wizard.

The parties, the booze, the loose women. He was starting to wonder whether there was more to life than this, like maybe attending school and hanging out with friends.
Then Macaulay told him, "Hey, why so serious?", and his mind wandered off again in a cocaine-induced haze.

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It's as if he were being haunted, he thought to himself. Haunted by innumerable faceless entities that thrive on his suffering that plague him and force him away from any slumber whatsoever.

Those same entities were known to Hermione Granger as "revisions".

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It was driving the young English sorceror to his wits end

With a stop in Hogsmeade.

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He rocketed over the eastern border and across the murky oceans, but, to utmost horror, his weariness affected his performance of flight, and the broomstick began to shudder violently as his control of it was hindered.

That'll teach me, he thought, buying an used broomstick from Mundungus Fletcher.

bleachedblackcat wrote:

Harry gives up magic. He Who Shall Not Be Named takes over the world and kills everyone.

Good going DAVID.

Hush... I'm writing that one.

I think a more fitting last line would be...

And thus Harry, having no qualifications, ended up working behind the counter at McDonald's for the rest of his life.

(Apologies to anyone here who does work in a fast food restaurant)

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He rocketed over the eastern border and across the murky oceans,

"Comrade Potter," a voice cackled over the radio, "our Shilkas are switched on and aimed at your broomstick. Turn back NOW and we might not send your friends to re-education camp, as well."

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Incidentally, he was too tired to demonstrate fear and let the dull roar of the wind loll him into blissful submission, something he had gone without for almost seventy-two hours.

It appears that Mr. Potter will not be here to give us a demonstration of what fear really looks like, the demonstration will be carried out by the Narrator herself with the assistance of Lord Voldemort's Corps de Ballet.

Snape: I've got to keep control.
I remember having nightmares.
Fearing those moments when
The blackness would hit me.

Snape & Bellatrix: And Our Lord would be calling.

Death Eaters: Let's press the Dark Mark again.
Let's press the Dark Mark again.

JKR: It's just a swish and fklick

Death Eaters: And the dull roar of the wind

JKR: With your hand on your wrist

Death Eaters: You clench your butthole tight
But it's the
That really drives you insane
Let's press the Dark Mark again
Let's press the Dark Mark again

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As Harry was perceptive, he deduced that the man was a muggle, simply from his clothes.
"Wh-where am I?" he murmured.

Didn't you say you were perceptive? YOU'RE IN A BADFIC, DUMBASS! RUN! RUUN!

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Harry sat upright and noticed he was wearing a casual attire of denim jeans and a cardigan.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Flanderization had begun.

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"She was a highly decorated student there, top of her class she told me. Until she started having dreams of a frightful nature."

So all I need to do is fail a few more classes and I'm safe? Gee, thanks, I thought it would be harder than that!"

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"I refuse to believe it. Regardless of the nightmares I am suffering, I will not lower myself to the level of a lowly muggle!"

Wow, Harry, that was quite a mouthful. Can you say that really fast?
"I will not lower myself to the level of a lowly muggle. I will not level myself to the level of a lovely muggle. I will not level my lover to the self of a lonely mower. I will not AH FUCK IT...."

Ah fuck it indeed. The more I read it, the more I'm convinced it's a trollfic.

Well, this whole converting to Christianity bit is a little silly. HP universe wizards are all brought up in Christian tradition, even if they're not Christians (and nobody ever says they're not). They celebrate Christmas. They say stuff like "oh my God". They do not worship non-Christian deities. In fact, they seem like most people I know- vaguely Christian in upbringing but not actually religious.

So what's the deal? Just because they "practise magic", they're no "heathens". This is stupid.

The true crime here is dullness. Harry Potter goes out for a broomstick run, is taken in by the conversational style of some missionary twit named David, has long conversations about Jesus that are clearly addressed to the reader, and converts to Christianity. No excitement, no quirky asides, not even Dostoevskian inner torment. If you're writing a religious conversion story, Dostoevskian inner torment is the LEAST you can do!

This is NOT grabbing me. I'm sure something happens later, but the importance of a first chapter can never be overstated. FAIL.

littledorrit wrote:

The true crime here is dullness. Harry Potter goes out for a broomstick run, is taken in by the conversational style of some missionary twit named David, has long conversations about Jesus that are clearly addressed to the reader, and converts to Christianity. No excitement, no quirky asides, not even Dostoevskian inner torment. If you're writing a religious conversion story, Dostoevskian inner torment is the LEAST you can do!

This is NOT grabbing me.

That's what alerted the trollmeter. The infamous How Can I Go On? did have a plot, regurgitated from a Chick tract as it was, and it focused a lot on what Selena did after finding God - including praying for laced corsets to be within her budget, but I digress. I'd also expect actual fundies to gush Bible verses and here you have one (1), delivered with all the casualness of someone reading out from a grocery note:

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"The Bible?" inquired Harry, dubiously.

"That's right," he replied,

The Christian Bible. And, according to the Scriptures - - ooh, what was that verse? Ah, yes! Deuteronomy 18:10-12. Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire, who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the who does these things is detestable in the eyes of the Lord. "

An IRL "David" would have Deuteronomy 18:10 at his fingertips with no "uhh, which one was it" and would call it "the Holy Bible" or "the Holy Book" or somesuch. In all, the author doesn't seem to have a good grasp of the very faith he's pushing. He's going by the motions, half-heartedly. The occasional wrong choice of word is the most spork-worthy aspect of this fic. What were the rules of literary art again?

Mark Twain wrote:

13. Use the right word, not its second cousin.

(Cue "the wind loll him into blissful submission").

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I'm sure something happens later, but the importance of a first chapter can never be overstated. FAIL.

Uuhh... that's no first chapter. That's the entire fic. DOUBLEPLUSFAIL, then? Or the fact that the troll is laughing under the bridge makes it an actual win?

My bad for not realizing that that was the fic in its ENTIRETY. I just had too much faith in the author, as usual. There's plenty of fail to go around.

The Unoriginal wrote:

An IRL "David" would have Deuteronomy 18:10 at his fingertips with no "uhh, which one was it" and would call it "the Holy Bible" or "the Holy Book" or somesuch.

Not necessarily. I know a fundie woman who is very fond of telling people that the Bible is against homosexuality, but can never remember the exact verse or where in the Bible it came from.

Lady Anne wrote:

The Unoriginal wrote:

An IRL "David" would have Deuteronomy 18:10 at his fingertips with no "uhh, which one was it" and would call it "the Holy Bible" or "the Holy Book" or somesuch.

Not necessarily. I know a fundie woman who is very fond of telling people that the Bible is against homosexuality, but can never remember the exact verse or where in the Bible it came from.

It's like the whole 'Well the Bible says masturbation is wrong" cant. Actually, it doesn't. What the early church did was misinterpret the Old Testament story of Onan, found in Genesis, Chapter 38. The reason God killed Onan wasn't because he masturbated, it was because he didn't follow through with the then Judaic law that since his brother had died without an heir, it was his place to sleep with his wife and conceive a son, so he would have an heir. Onan got his nose out of joint because he knew the child would be considered his brothers, not his (even though he was the biological father), so he had intercourse with his brother's wife not once, but twice, and both times withdrew before he came and ejaculated on the ground she wouldn't get pregnant.

God killed him not for masturbating, but for failing to carry through with the sex and get his brother's wife pregnant. It specifically says in that chapter that he was destroyed for failing to fulfill his duty under the law. The fact that he did so by pulling out was secondary. The same thing would've happened if he'd refused to sleep with his
brother's wife.

The Old Testament Hebrew's did NOT dick around with their laws.

Didn't Jesus, in a way, use magic? So magic in the Harry Potter world is only alright if Jesus uses it, even if some people use it to heal others?

bbc: That is pretty much why a lot of people think Christianity used to be so hung up on witches etc: The church hierarchs were fearing the competition, so they declared them to be evil, in league with Satan and so on, so they could persecute shamans, herb ladies, midwives and other people in that vein with full support of their followers. In short: Yes, magic is only cool if Jesus and some assorted prophets do it, because all other magic is OF THE DEVIL.

What, you mean the Church doesn't practice what it preaches? I, for one, am stunned.

Troll or not, this kind of fic/mentality certainly makes normal Catholics (and all other Christians for that matter) look really stupid.

Optimus Prime does not approve this message.

I thought Optimus Prime was Jewish and Starscream was Christian. At least, that's what Family Guy taught me.

So? He still doesn't approve. It's Optimus Prime we're talking about here, lest we forget!

Lady Anne wrote:

I'd like to see a fic where Voldemort converts to Christianity--and then tries to bring down the wizarding world because he thinks it's evil.

Oh Gods, me too. Let's write it together Let's not and say we did I MIGHT write it if my muse gets off her arse.


EDIT: This fic is way to short for my liking. Why aren't there later chapters featuring Harry quitting Hogwarts and wandering around wizarding villages with a Bible, preaching his heart out until Ron and Hermione finally get him shipped off to St. Mungo's? He can share a room with Gilderoy Lockhart FUCK NO.

EDIT II: Found the MST: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]