Sinners in the Hands of an Angry Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry might just be one of the most infamous men in film. He almost reminds me of Ed Wood, the way that he can just continuously and enthusiastically churn out bad movie after bad movie without ever showing signs of developing his craft. Hell, both of them are even straight men who had/have a penchant for drag! Only Tyler Perry replaces Ed Wood's naive, charming amateurism with ham-fisted drama and Christian messages that are completely irrelevant to anyone who doesn't follow his simple, conservative interpretation of the Bible.

Racial implications of his movies aside (take it away, Spike Lee...), Tyler Perry's movies are bad and everyone knows it. Even a good number of his devoted cult following knows it. Tyler Perry's movies are a big budget, silver screen version of those dollar store Harlequin romance novels except all the juicy, trashy sex is rather implied than explicitly stated. Whether or not Madea is "coonery buffoonery", any laughs attempted through the character are of the cheapest and most cliche variety and she is not funny or particularly interesting.

Enter Temptation, Tyler Perry's perhaps unconscious attempt at an Old Testament morality play, and yes that is just as awful as it sounds. No, Madea is not in this. I hate to say it, but that's actually a bad thing. I don't think you realize how remarkably awful Tyler Perry's pacing is until you see a movie of his that isn't being constantly interrupted by a violent man in a tacky dress who has a curious habit of ending all his words with an "urr" sound.

The movie begins with a couple seeing The Worst Marriage Counselor Ever. After the husband gets frustrated and leaves in a huff, The Worst Marriage Counselor Ever starts talking to the wife, and is suspicious that the wife is having an affair. Putting her valuable education at "Awful Marriage Counselors University" to work, The Counselor decides it would be a great idea to not let the wife explain or talk at all, and instead recount to her the story of her "little sister", Judith. Y'know, to scare her out of cheating. Because that's what counselors with morals do.

Judith is the good old Southern country girl who has recently moved to the.... BIG CITY!



Washington DC to be specific. In case you ever forget, Tyler Perry has skyline shot after skyline shot throughout the movie to remind you! She's moved there with her husband, a "childhood sweetheart" (they met when they were 6. Which is.... oogy.) she married very young, who's a total hunk named Brice. Brice is a nice guy. He's a super nice guy. He's so nice the only bad thing he's ever done in his life is routinely forget Judith's birthday! But other than that, he's a nice guy. He's so fucking nice, what a good guy. Did I mention he's nice?

Anyway, Judith works for a match-making company run by Vanessa Williams with the most ridiculous French accent ever. She's designed the greatest compatibility questionnaire known to humans and it's the greatest thing since sliced bread. So awesome, in fact, that wealthy business man who's a total hunk named Harley who got rich doing Internet Things is looking to invest in the development and proliferation of this questionnaire. Iunno, it gets Judith on his private jet.

Harley's different from Brice. Brice is nice. Harley is filthy rich and tells Judith all these ridiculously romantic things ("the only thing I ever dream about is you") with a completely straight face. Harley is also clearly not nice. In fact, he's probably going to beat her while snorting lines of cocaine off her tear-stained face. You can tell because he acts kind of like your one ex. You know, the one that tried to run you over in their car a year after you broke up with them?

...

....

Uhhh....

So of course Judith is seduced by Harley during the duration of almost an hour of flirty glances and stilted conversation, because those women are just golddiggers who don't know what's really good for them. Like Nice Brice, he's good for the ladies. Next thing you know, Judith is spirited away by Harley away from the hunky arms of Nice Brice and into his inferno of sex, cocaine, partying, and same-sex grinding! If only Tyler Perry's Christian virtues won't let him actually do any more than hint at this inferno of sin. There might be some degree of campy, crass fun to be had in this whole affair if he did. Like watching some rabid bulldog growl and bark at you while the tattered pulp of a Bible hangs from it's toothy maw.

Now enter our finale, featuring Judith's mother, the good Christian mother who is constantly warning her daughter that Harley is the devil with a completely straight face and the kind of Old Testament fire in her eyes that tells you maybe she needs a straightjacket. She does nothing but quote Bible verses at Judith all while asking her "why don't we talk anymore". Mother and Mother's church friends try and "save" Judith from Harley and I think they were getting ready to perform an exorcism on both of them, but whatever. It wouldn't surprise me at this point. But that's not important. What is important is Harley gets really angry and knocks Judith's mother to the ground, then takes Judith home and beats her to a pulp for good measure.

Meanwhile, Nice Brice and Brandy have been involved in a side plot that wasn't really a side plot. Brandy had an abusive ex that she's running away from, and just when the romantic tension between Nice Brice and her (after Judith has already broken up with him, he's still Nice Brice after all...) starts to reach a low simmer, Brandy informs him that her ex gave her HIV. And her ex boyfriend is........... HARLEY!



Channeling his inner Batman, Nice Brice jumps into his rusty pick-up truck to go whisk Judith up into his hunky arms and save her. He does. Kicks Harley's butt. Judith realizes the error of her ways...

Cut back to The Worst Marriage Counselor Ever who has just realized she spent her clients entire therapy session talking at her. But don't worry, the wife has been appropriately intimidated into figuring out her place in the world as a woman. We learn that Judith, driven by her natural feminine instinct away from what's good for her, contracted HIV.

The Worst Marriage Counselor Ever leaves the office to go to a pharmacy, run by Nice Brice, who is still fairly hunky but you can't really tell because he's wearing these awful white-rimmed glasses. So I guess that means he's old, now. It is here that we learn THE WORST MARRIAGE COUNSELOR EVER IS JUDITH!



Except now she has glasses and her hair and outfit have "frumpy" written all over it so I guess that means she's old now, too. Weirdly enough, Brandy (who works in the pharmacy) hasn't aged a bit. Huh.

So Judith picks up her HIV medication, and Nice Brice's new family comes in, and Judith walks away alone. No one wants to let their pee pee near her rotting, AIDS-ridden vagoo, and so she's been cursed to an eternity of lonely frumpiness. Even if God didn't smite her, he might as well have...

Soooo funny. I wish I had more to add, but I cracked up reading this.

I know I'm probably going to go to Hell for this but did Baddy McEvilpants shout "Receive my AIDS!" during sex. Because that would make this movie kind of awesome if it did.

Tyler fuckin' Perry is the black equivalent to Nicholas Sparks. When he first hit the scene, my family was typically glad to see a prominent black movie producer hit the scene. After about the third or fourth film of this ilk even my mom--who thought everyone that bashed on Halle Berry's "Catwoman" did so because they hated black women :rolleyes: --had called bullshit on this.

That being said, the Madea character herself is kind of a guilty pleasure of mine. In the movies I've sat through, hers are the most memorable scenes. I'd gladly pay for a stand-alone movie about just her without sitting through eighty minutes of the usual Tyler Perry mind-numbing crap.

So... does Nice Brice now have AIDS? Or his new kid? Or did his magical niceness cure his new wife?

He didn't have sex with her after she got THE AIDS, I assume. Remember, he's Nice Brice, he has to have a happy ending.