The Angry Metroid Fanboy (Metroid Destiny: The Terra Space Station: Part 1)

Metroid Destiny: The Terra Space Station: Part 1 (M-rated fic)

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Disclaimer: This story takes place after Metroid Fusion (4). The two original characters from this game are Samus Aran and Adam Malkovich. Anything else such as the word Metroid, B.S.L or Biologic Space Labs, Galactic Federation, Adam saying “Lady” instead of Samus, and etc., they belong to Nintendo. I realize that Adam is dead and was put into a computer. I’m sorry if this disappoints most you Metroid fans, but in this story, Adam is alive. The rest of the characters contained in this story are my very own creations. I came up with my own race known as the Archons and a planet called Antaria. If you take them and claim them as your own or put them into your own stories without my permission, I will ask Samus to kick your ass.
If most of you don’t like the idea of Samus falling in love with Kyan (my character, don’t touch!), then that’s your problem. It’s just the way my story came to be.

Wow, doesn't that disclaimer just fill you with confidence on the quality of this story? Anyways, welcome to the Metroid fic with a long name. Not only does this fic support cannon rape if this disclaimer has anything to say about it, but I'm willing to bet that that 'Kyan' OC that is to be paired with Samus ends up being a form of a Marty-Stu. Joy. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Welcome to The Angry Metroid Fanboy. Charge the snark beams and be ready to fire at will.

-Chapter 1-

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The Federation suggested that I take a break from my duties and settle down with actual people and possibly have a family.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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His tone had its normal calmness to it that seemed to have the same calming affect on me as usual whenever I felt nervous. This time, though, a sudden chill ran up my back as an odd feeling come over me.

I suddenly realized that I had just entered a poorly-written fanfic and I had no means to escape!

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He was tall, thick built with broad shoulders, his skin was light tan, and his hair a dirty brown that was slicked back. His eyes were dark and had a sleepy look to them.

I admit to being rather surpised when he collapsed in front of me and proceeded to snore loudly on the metal floor.

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I held out my hand and took his to shake hands. His grip was hard which pinched my hand. It was unbelievable that I could feel his slightly painful grip through my glove of my transformed power suit.

Which means that he is Hercules in disguise. That suit is far too strong to have her notice anything outside of an exceptionally firm grip.

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We released hands.

Completely unnecessary.

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Doctor Horn was a short man, about five feet and a few inches tall. His features were slowly becoming aged and his hair turning gray.

I admit to being rather disturbed when he decomposed right in front of me in a matter seconds as if he chose poorly. *Indiana Jones reference*

-Chapter 2-

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I wrapped a large white towel around me and went into the bedroom chamber. As I stepped in, I noticed a short blue dress lying on the bed. I saw a note, which lay beside the dress.

By a show of hands, who here can picture Samus Aran willingly putting on a dress?

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I dried my hair out with a different towel and combed it out.
I pulled the body towel off of me and wiped off any areas of my body that remained wet.

This scene is... ENTIRELY POINTLESS. *cue sound effect and words*

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My eyes narrowed and I grimaced the thought of wearing these instead of my black leather suit, but I put them on anyway.

Finnally, something that I can agree with. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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A tall young man with long slightly wavy hair that was the color of navy blue stood in the doorway.
He smiled down at me. His smile was pleasing and I felt a warm feeling burn inside my heart.
His lips were pale and looked soft. I felt a yearning to kiss them.
His skin was soft, but pale. His bright green eyes looked peaceful, gentle, and determined with a slightly sad look to them.
He wore a long black cape that was wrapped around him and concealed whatever her wore underneath.
"Hello, Miss Samus Aran. I was sent up to retrieve you for the ceremony."
My heart raced and I felt my cheeks flush slightly as I listened to his handsome gentle voice. He had spoken with an even flow, almost melodic.

I asked his name, and he replied, "Stu. Marty Stu."

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I noticed him studying me. His smile became even gentler. "I never imagined that the great Samus would be so beautiful." He held out his hand and I took it, but instead of shaking hands, he raised my hand up and placed a soft kiss on my knuckles.

This is so corny that it makes corn on the cob look...well...no so corny. Yeah. Leave me alone, it's 2 am here!

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He stared into my eyes and I felt as though he was looking into my very soul.

Wait, so he's Dumbledore now? (A cookie goes to anyone who gets that.)

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He smiled, parting his lips to show his perfectly white and straight teeth.

Told ya he's a Stu.

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He stared into my eyes as if staring and reading my thoughts. His smile warmed me and made my heart race. I felt myself hypnotized by his gaze as I looked into his seemingly glowing eyes.

And then the Stu devouered her soul.
THE. END.

The rest of the chapter is filled with corny shit along the lines of this imposter (Samus) getting lost in the Stu's eyes. It's so horrible that I could feel a part of me dying. Also, there are numerous grammatical mistakes in here, but they take a backseat role in this seeing as how the rest of this crap-heap of a fic tends to distract me from them.

That's chapters 1 and 2. I know I've been a bit snark-happy for these two chapters, but there's just so much to snark about that I can't help myself. I will return with more snark in several hours for it is 2:30 am over here, and I require sleep.

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If most of you don’t like the idea of Samus falling in love with Kyan
(my character, don’t touch!), then that’s your problem. It’s just the
way my story came to be.

LIES!

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His tone had its normal calmness to it that seemed to have the same calming
affect on me as usual whenever I felt nervous. This time, though, a
sudden chill ran up my back as an odd feeling come over me.

When Samus has already been infatuated with your OC for a long time IN THE SECOND SENTENCE, it's definitely not "just the way the story came to be".

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I dried my hair out with a different towel and combed it out.
I pulled the body towel off of me and wiped off any areas of my body that remained wet.

This scene is... ENTIRELY POINTLESS. *cue sound effect and words*

What do you mean, "pointless"? The point is the writer is picturing this scene in his head, Samus naked and wet, in intense detail, and....well...you know...

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Then where's the detail? If he/she/it wants the readers to picture Samus naked, then he/she/it should have put in some detail about it describing such a thing. Sorry, but it's something I require.

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Exodia's Right Leg:

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His tone had its normal calmness to it that seemed to have the same calming affect on me as usual whenever I felt nervous. This time, though, a sudden chill ran up my back as an odd feeling come over me.

When Samus has already been infatuated with your OC for a long time IN THE SECOND SENTENCE, it's definitely not "just the way the story came to be".

Umm, that's not the OC, that's Adam. He's a canon character, although he's supposed to be dead and playing the AI of Samus's new ship. >_>

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I’m sorry if this disappoints most you Metroid fans, but in this story, Adam is alive.

GAH! If Metroid fans are your intended audience, then why disappoint them? If Metroid fans are not your intended audience, then why are you publishing Metroid stories? If you don't have an intended audience, than why are you putting this story up?

If you want to masturbate onto a word processor, that's fine, but don't show it to the goddamn world and expect praise, you lunatic.

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The Federation suggested that I take a break from my duties and settle down with actual people and possibly have a family.

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From: admin@galacticfederationcommand.com

To: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Subject: Please stop blowing up planets.


Ms. Aran, it has come to our attention that you have blown up the space pirate homeworld. Again.

While we normally don't complain when someone goes around and kills all our enemies, this is getting rather out of hand. By our estimation, this is the third planet that you have personally destroyed (that we know about). We intended to form a commission to investigate rather or not criminal charges were in order, but everyone here is too terrified of you to do anything, so we're going to try asking nicely.

On behalf of the Galactic Federation, I humbly ask you to please cease committing genocide on a regular basis. Perhaps you'd like to pursue a line of work that doesn't involve killing billions of people? Would you like to experience a relationship? We'll gladly pay for the services of a job councilor and any matchmaking service of your choice.


Sincerely,
Federation Command

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From: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

To: admin@galacticfederationcommand.com

Subject: Go fuck yourselves.



Eat me, you pricks.


Kisses,
Samus

You sir, deserve a win token. *hands Lysander a win token* Redeemable at any participating retailer for 10 free items of your choice.

Because I'm Jesus!

As I stated earlier. There is most certainly more snark to come.

Let's continue shall we?

At this moment, I would like to point out that I'm reviewing as I'm reading, so I may be wrong about what may or may not happen.

-Chapter 3-

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Kyan sat across the table from me. I didn't understand why he couldn't be seated beside me.
It became unclear to me why I wanted him so bad. I felt the need to be at his side and the urge to touch him. I couldn't help but to stare over the table at him.

So, Samus doesn't know what it's like to be horny, or even understand what lust is? Good god this has to be an imposter. Samus is far too well-traveled to not understand this stuff.

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I held my breath and slowly let it out. I narrowed my eyes and deepened my voice, "What will happen to the people on this station if the Metroids are to escape?"
Officer Stellbak and Doctor Horn looked at each other.
Doctor Horn turned back to me, "This colony is made up of three sections. The larger section is for the civility colony. The other, where we are now, is the Science Facilities. The third section, which is below this one, is the Monster Breeding habitat.
The Metroids are being handled in sealed rooms that not even a laser can penetrate through the protection glass.
Everyone is perfectly safe." Doctor Horn smiled at me, "You have nothing to worry about."

Damnit man, don't tempt Murphy!

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Stellbak stood beside me and looked out the window as well.
"Amazing."
I turned to look at Stellbak, "What is?" I asked.
He turned to me and smiled, "You are, Samus. You hunted down the Space Pirates that threatened mankind, you are fearless and brave to go alone, and it makes me wonder why you haven't settled down with a family yet."

Maybe because she's too busy performing genocide upon the bastards that killed everyone she ever held dear to her?

-Chapter 4-

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My dearest Samus,
It was my greatest pleasure to have finally met you. I have never met such a wonderful and brave woman such as you.
You were amazing in the blue dress. I couldn't take my eyes from your splendid beauty.
I really enjoyed being with you.

I'm coming over to your apartment right now as you are reading this letter.
I may even be at the door right now.
Kyan

Props for being romantic, but that's still corny as hell.

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He placed his hand on my arm and drew closer to me, "I had to see you again, Samus. I cannot put you out of my mind. You are the only one I can ever think about." Kyan spoke softly and gently.

That...has evolved from sweet and romantic into corny and creepy in the span of five seconds.

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I pulled my head back and gasped, trying to resist his embrace. I turned my head away and tired to push away from him. Kyan pulled me closer and pushed me at the same time. He pushed me away from the doorway and he kicked the door shut. Kyan continued to push me and I fell onto the dark green silk couch.
Kyan came down beside me and threw his arms around me to keep me from getting up.

Raped by a Stu.

God, if you truly love me, kill me now.

No, it didn't happen, she stopped him by telling him to. Then he left using a pathetic excuse about remembering that he had to help some other doctor with something.

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"Too bad the Metroid isn't still alive."

This follows a dream sequence that adds plot and references ending portions of Metroid 2 and Super Metroid.

Also, Samus is tempting Murphy with this.

-Chapter 5-

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"Oh, its you, Kyan. I didn't recognize you from such a short distance... I would have never imagined you being together with Samus." Stellbak came to my side and turned toward me to whisper in my ear, "Don't try chasing him off, Samus, this is your chance to start a family of your own." He pat my shoulder and smirked at me.

Nooooo. No one wants to start a family with a Stu/Sue. Shut up and kill this guy off so we can get the real Samus back.

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Kyan replied, "Well, its what you call love at first sight." He turned to look at me and spoke softly, "And I cannot help but to look at her. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever laid my eyes on." Kyan spoke as if hypnotized and dazed as he stared at me.

One thing this Stu shares in common with most Metroid fans. Samus is hot. Still doesn't mean that he can have her, 'cause the real Samus would have rejected him so hard that he'd be not but an annoying memory in her head.

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Kyan and I went to dinner together. He allowed me to return to my apartment and change into a floor length black silk strapless dress.

I still can't see her in a dress. T-shirt and blue jeans, yes, but not a dress. That would require her to be feminine. Which Samus is not.

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I felt uncomfortable wearing a dress that revealed the top of my breasts, but Kyan's smile and charm took the worry off my mind.

How can you be uncomfortable?! Don't you remember your canon wardrobe? Those reveiling clothes, that skin-tight blue jumpsuit? Seriously, Samus has no problem showing a bit of skin.

And I still can't see her in a dress.

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Kyan had told me that his mother suffered through a terrible sickness and died while Kyan had been only a young child. His father became heart broken after his wife's death.
His father was even more devastated that he had to give the young Kyan over to his closest friend in order to hide the young boy from an evil man.
Kyan had to live through a life of humiliation and constant running.
The people he grew up with disliked him for what he was... A human.
Kyan was later captured by the evil man and became influenced by the man's evil ways. Kyan couldn't stop himself from stabbing his own great uncle who was only trying to fend for himself from Kyan's attacks.

Wow. Classic Stu/Sue tragic past, with a twist involving mind control. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Kyan didn't reveal any of the names to me. I felt that he was hiding something from me, but I didn't care. I loved him!

Noooo, I highly doubt the real Samus would have gotten into a relationship with someone that she felt was hiding something from her. Especially after a story like that.

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Lady,
I have important news!
There is something going on! I haven't been able to get to the rest of the information, yet. I'll keep trying though.

There is a breeding experiment going on that is very top secret that only the higher class of Terran scientists and Officers know about it.
I'm surprised they haven't told you since you are their top investigator. I feel that they are hiding something. I don't know why they haven't informed you or me about it.
I think that Stellbak is behind it. I've never been able to trust him. I advise you to stay away from him and do not reveal any of this information to anyone!
You and I could get into serious trouble.
Please be careful and stay alert as always.
Sincerely,
Adam

ZOMG, NO! PLOT! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH BAD WRITING!

What follows is standard-issue badfic IKEA Erotica. Starting with bland undressing...

Then bland fore-WAIT WHAT!?

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I opened my eyes wide as his fingers slid down into my underwear and rubbed me between the legs. I've never experienced such a strange pleasure such as this! I don't understand this pleasure... but it felt good.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

-censored 'talking'-

*deep breath*

How?! How can she have never experienced that before?!

Anyways, continuing along with the IKEA Ero-OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD!

She doesn't know what sex is! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

-more censored 'talking'-

*deep breath*

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This must be the thing that all humans and different species call sex!

NOW YOU FIGURE IT OUT?! FUCKING STUPID....GRAAAAAAAH! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Then this highly pathetic attempt at a lemon ends with a badly-written orgasm and Samus passing out.

I didn't think it was that good.

-Chapter 6-

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Suddenly, I felt a queasy feeling come over me and I placed my hand on my stomach.

*fingers crossed* Please be some sort of stomach bug. We don't need those two breeding even more idiots.

Also, things like nausea and such that happen during pregenency take several weeks to appear, not 24 hours. In fact, the egg isn't even really been fertilized yet within that time period. -Modified response from a friend I asked over MSN about how long it took for such things to happen. You know who you are, and I thank you for that.

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“Huh?! How could Kyan get me pregnant?” I asked, totally confused.

He stuck his thingy into your you-know-what and came. *My Immortal reference* [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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I asked him why I couldn’t just lay it as an egg.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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I quickly stood up and approached him and slammed my fist into his gut. Kyan only stood, looking sadly down at me, as if the punch was only a poke in his gut.

If you asked me, the real Samus would just shoot him in the crotch for knocking her up without her explicit permission. Then beating the shit out of him and leaving him as a bloody pulp on the floor before heading out for an abortion. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

The abortion may be iffy, but I stand by her shooting off his crotch and beating the shit out of him.

Moving along...

-Chapter 7-

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I looked through the glass window down at the ground far below. The landscape was covered with green grass and the walls hidden away by vines. I turned back to Scholtz, "How are these plants surviving without sunlight?"
Doctor Scholtz turned back to the map and pointed at the very bottom, which bulged far out.
"This is the room where the Mother Plant grows. See the vines on the walls? Those are connected to her. She sends energy through them to all the sections."
"Where does the mother plant get her energy?" I asked, growing quite amazed by such an advancement on Terra.

How can you be amazed by that?! B.S.L. had the same damn thing in it! Hell, it was a fucking boss! (You got the plasma beam from it upon its defeat.)

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Doctor Scholtz replied without turned around to face me, "Then all the plants would die. The Mother Plant is Terra's greatest essential for oxygen. Eventually, everyone on this station would die due to lack of oxygen." As Doctor Scholtz talked, I had an eerie feeling that something was watching me.

So...they don't have backup devices for just in case the Mother Plant is killed? How idiotic...

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Suddenly, I let out a yelp as a floating object appeared before me! I quickly stepped back and pressed my back into the window.
"What the hell is that?!" I shouted from surprise.
Doctor Scholtz turned to glare at me, "No shouting!" He looked at the floating object, "Oh, that is Felicia. She's a probe."
"A what?" I raised my eyebrow.
"A robot!" Scholtz grumbled in frustration.

How does she not know what a probe is? She lives in a technologically advance future! These things should be rather common...

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"I'm not stupid!" A woman's voice came from the direction of the probe. My eyes became wide.
"Hey, don't look so surprised. I may just be a probe, but I have artificial intelligence!"
I cocked an eyebrow, "Artificial what?"
The probe's voice sighed, "Artificial intelligence. I may not be a biological life form like you, but I still have your type of brain power!" I studied this odd object.

See previous statement, but replace 'probe' with 'AI'.

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Lady,
I have some drastic news! I happened to have stumbled across Kyan's profile. The bad news is this...
Kyan is not what you think he is. He's not human.
As we both may have thought, planet Antaria does not have a single human life form on it! It is only composed of a super race known as Archons.
I looked up more information on them. They have human genes... and also two other genes that come from strange unknown species. The Archons have psychic and magical abilities. They also have the ability to change and look exactly like human beings!
Kyan, the father of your baby, is the prince of the Archon race! He's real name is Tolebar Zahan Kileos Gatso-Vaulidor. Kyan is only his human name.
Whatever information he otherwise may have given you, he is most likely trying to keep his identity a secret so that he would not frighten you.
Lady, please forgive me. I hope that your love for him does not change because of the information contained in this letter.
Do not hate him for hiding the truth from you. He may have reasons for lying about his identity.
I have never personally met him, but I have the feeling that he feels guilty not telling you the truth.
Please do not let him know that I was the one that gave you this information about him.
I look forward to seeing you soon.
Sincerely,
Adam

Thanks for the exposition Adam.

Also, this further cements my belief that this guy is a Gary Stu.

On to the next chapter!

-Chapter 8-

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I soon found myself ripping apart my apartment again in frustration! I even ripped up Adam’s letter and burnt it! For once in my life, I’ve never been so angry and confused at the same time! Kyan was the man I had loved before discovering what he really was. Now I just don’t know anymore.

I heard a soft tapping at the front door. I quickly wiped away my tears and hurried to answer it, hoping that it wasn’t who I thought it was. I opened the door.
Kyan raised his head up and looked down at me, “Samus, there’s something I want to tell-“
I slammed the door shut. “Leave me alone!” I pressed my head against the door and sobbed. I’ve never felt so hurt in my life.
“Samus, please open the door.” Kyan said from the other side.
I shook my head, “No! You lied to me! You’re not even human!” I raised my voice.
I listened to Kyan’s silence for a moment and he spoke softly, “Open the door and let me at least explain.”
“Go away, you alien!” I stepped back and screamed! I continued to take steps back and stumbled.
Time seemed to have slowed as I fell toward the ground. I closed my eyes, hoping for the end of this madness! I wanted to go back to my life as a bounty hunter! I wanted out of this nightmare!

Great, now she's wangsting. What joy. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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I narrowed my eyes and glared at him, “Why did you lie to me?” My voice became raspy.
Kyan frowned sadly, “Samus, I did not lie to you. It’s against my morals to lie. What I had told you was only partial to the truth.”

Dude, you lied, don't make up bad excuses for it. It only makes things worse.

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Kyan’s skin became darker and shined with the tint of silver. His height grew and his muscle mass enlarged. His hair grew longer until it touched the ground. His nose became smaller and smaller and slightly flat. The length of his eyes grew longer. I lowered my gaze and noticed a tail dangling behind him with blue-green fire burning down it.
I raised my gaze back up and noticed silver dragon-like wings sprouting from Kyan’s back. Kyan’s eyes slowly closed and reopened to reveal his bright green glowing crystal eyes.
I gasped! His pupils were shaped like a snake’s!

So he's a dragon? A dragon with magical and psychic abilities? Wow. That makes no sense...at all. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Kyan opened his eyes and pulled his lips away from mine. His eyes came into mine again-

That sounds...gross...

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-and his smile faded, “Samus… I could give back your life, if you desire it so much. But, if you choose to go back, you will have never come to Terra and I cannot go with you.” Kyan spoke sadly.
His eyes softened as his appearance saddened.
I raised my eyebrow and asked, “What? How can you do that?”
Kyan placed his hand on my cheek, “Did you forget? I have magical abilities. I have enough power to only send you back to the time when you were offered the choice to come to Terra.”

$20 says that she stays with her 'twu luv'. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Next up comes another scene of IKEA Erotica. Where it is reiterated that Samus has no idea what a dick is, describing it as a 'rock-hard object' that slides into her.

I'm just waiting for the real Samus to show up and kill this imposter and her lover in a flurry of missles...

-Chapter 9-

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The day before, Kyan and I continued to have sex for three straight hours and we had to stop because I had become sore.

Why do I get the feeling that this isn't possible?

Feel free to correct me on this.

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Suddenly, I became surprised! I couldn’t believe it! I told him that I loved him! And he told me he love me! This is what true love is! I’ve never been so happy! I could feel tears developing in my eyes, but I blinked them away. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with only him. I felt that we belonged together and I hope we always stay this way. I will always love him with all my heart.

I'm supposed to 'aww' at this, right? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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We had been invited to visit their world and they gave us background information about their race. They are simply marvelous creatures! Their muscle mass has no weighing affect! It is genius! And also their immune system is superb! Just think of the possibilities of fighting diseases and viruses in just one minute! It would be a great addition to saving billions of lives on Earth! What is more amazing is that the X-parasites had no chance against such antibodies!”

SAY WHAT?! THEY'RE IMMUNE TO THE X-PARASITES?!?! THAT'S BLATANTLY IMPOSSIBLE! CANON DICTATES THAT THE ONLY THING THAT THE X CAN'T INFECT ARE THEIR ARTIFICIAL PREDATORS MADE BY THE CHOZO, THE METROIDS!!!

For the love of all that is holy. Nothing is safe from this canon-rape fic...

*FANBOY RAGE* [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

*static*
automated voice: We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. We assure you that we will resume broadcasting as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience.

Hi, I'm back now. Sorry about the earlier incident. I just couldn't take it. Anyways, back to this canon-rape badfic.

-Chapter 10-

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Your boots will allow you to walk across certain thorn-covered surfaces and across water.

So, upon wearing this suit, she becomes Jesus? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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Felicia nodded her entire robotic body, “Yes, and as you may have noticed, this is a green door. Each habitat that you enter or are in, the doors are marked by the habitat’s corresponding color. Green is the plant habitat, blue is the water, red is fire, and gray is the air habitat. There are also codes for each color. If you have the code for a blue door, it will allow you in. If you don’t have the code for that color, it will remain closed. For each code you get, it will remain equipped and you can have all the codes on at once.”

No, badfic writer is not allowed to steal ideas from Fusion. Not now, not ever.

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Felicia’s body turned upward and replied, “Oh, that’s the sky-bound area. The only way to get up there is if you ride on an elevator probe, but there aren’t any in this sector. You must have special suit in order to withstand the high elevation pressure. Your suit’s new attributes can only handle the plant sectors and the upper most part of the water habitats. You must have the pressure suit in order for you go into the deep watery depths.”

*twitch* No. Fail. Samus' suit can go into freakin' space. She doesn't need a pressure-suit to got into the high altitude areas. Shut the fuck up and go study your canon dipshit.
Now, deep sea on the other hand, is a bit iffy, and I wouldn't be surprised if she needed one to go beyond a certain depht.

-Chapter 11-

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I breathed heavily! Never have I seen such a fierce creature! It was impossible to kill! Whenever I got a shot into its eye, it didn’t even show signs of becoming weak! The super missiles that I had acquired didn’t even singe its hard skin!

Alert! Abuse of exclamation points do not make something more dramatic, they make it look stupid.

Also, this isn't mentioned again, so in the words of the Nostalgia Chick: BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT! (Just look it up on tvtropes.)

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I ran through a couple of rooms and encountered a giant sea snake! Then I came into this room and the vines grabbed and trapped me! I had felt a small prick and then I fainted.

How is this the same power suit that could take a fireball to the face and not be breached as long as it had enough energy?

-Chapter 12-

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If I had not found the Varia suit, I would have been melted toast by now.

By the end of Fusion, Samus got her old suit back, so why does she need to go through this again? Oh wait, nevermind. The plot demands it.

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It was the weapon known as the beam saber.

Don't worry Zero, I'm certain you'll get your sword back after the real Samus beats the shit out of this imposter.
Zero: As long as I get it back and a go at that thief, I'm good.
Take a number. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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The probe shrugged, “Find out about it. My data bank doesn’t carry that information. There is a computer, which stores all the data of Terra in the Vault, but you can only get to it by cooling down the lava chamber.
There is a switch in the hot springs area on the far left wall that will let the water into the lava chamber, but the lave needs cold water. The heat from the chamber heats up the springs, so you must return to the water habitat to activate the cold fro the hot springs. It will cause the whole water climate to turn to ice though, which causes the water flow to the plant habitat to stop.
You have about thirty minutes before the lava becomes hot again. After it melts, the ice will melt and the habitats will return back to normal. If you go, I advise you to be careful.”

I don't remember the Metroid series being this complex, and I've played quite a few games...

Also, my biggest question to this, and a lot of things in the Metroid series is, who's their contractor? I mean, really, who the hell designs these bases and stations so that you have to do all this to go anywhere. I can accept caves being this complex, but space stations and bases? Hell no. What the fuck is up with that? OSHA would have a fit if they saw such places.

Quote :

Time seemed to have stopped. I couldn’t feel my heart beat and my lungs froze. My eyes were wide in wonder! It was my old power suit in one complete piece!

Samus: Noooo...I got that back at the end of that little jaunt courtesy of absorbing SA-X's core parasite. Giving me access to all of my old abilities, including the ice beam.
Nice to see you've arrived.
Samus: When can I kill this imposter?
When I'm done reviewing this. Feel free to comment when you want. Zero's here too 'cause she took his sword.
Samus: *shrugs* Not like I have anything better to do right now...

-Chapter 13-

Quote :

My suit was placed in green glowing liquid, which was sealed in a ceiling high glass container. I walked closer to the thick-glassed container and placed my hand on its ice-cold surface. I peered inside and noticed that the green liquid was solid ice.
I looked at my suit and noticed hardened orange ooze coming out from under the cracks of the power suit. My old power suit was infected with the X-parasite!

Suddenly, I heard a loud blast and glass shattering from above. I quickly went into the hole again and back up into the top room. I stood up and found that each glass container had been broken! I watched as the free-floating X-parasites flew around and out of the room.
“Nooooooooo!” I shouted. I knew that instant that the entire station was going to be infected within minutes!

Samus: Didn't we already go over this with the B.S.L. incident? And how did they get a hold of those things anyways? I blew up the station and the planet that they were on before they ever got there...
Samus, it's a little thing we writers call a 'plothole'.
Samus: Makes sense.
Something has to.

Quote :

Felicia and me hurried to the very core of the plant habitat, where the Mother Plant was located.

Samus: Common sense dictates that one would go there first instead of spending several hours wandering around everywhere else.
Plothole.
Samus: Damn thing's bigger than Kraid.
Ditto.

Quote :

Felicia came to the front of me and chuckled, “Foolish little human. You fell for my trap!”

Wow, I was honestly surprised. Turns out the mother plant and Felicia are one in the same, and that she, you guessed it, wants to take over the galaxy.
M. Bison: *dramatic turn* Of course!

Quote :

Suddenly, a spark hit Felicia in the side and sent her tumbling through the air. I turned my head and saw a black power suit come up to the side of me. It came toward me and aimed its right arm up to the vines to shoot at them.

Samus: First SA-X, then Dark Samus, WHO THE FUCK ELSE IS GOING TO COPY MY FUCKING SUIT?!
Don't look at me. I can't help it if some people aren't original enough to come up with their own power armor.

Also, apparently that person is a bounty hunter as well.
Samus: I swear, if that's a male version of me, I'm going to blow him to hell.
I'll provide the ammunition.

Quote :

“He was grown into the Mother Plant and there are some roots in-“ I was pulled back and I felt a prick go through my suit into my arm. I turned my head to see who gave me the injection, but everything went to black.

Samus: Further proof that she is an imposter. My suit is far more durable than that, and it would take far more than needle to breach it. Dumbasses. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
You're not the only one here offended by this, Aran. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

I don’t understand… Why am I getting sick? Nothing could have gotten through my suit!

Samus: Morning sickness is a bitch from what I've heard.
*nods*
Samus: What's she talking about? That suit of her's is such a cheap knock-off that a needle can puncture it!
So sad.

Quote :

The elevator’s doors slid open and I looked to see a squad of armored soldiers pointing their guns at us.
I saw the symbol of eagle wings on the uniforms and recognized them as Federation soldiers.

Samus: I could take them. Would be a wonderful session of target practice.
Here, here.

Quote :

The tone of the person’s voice became ironic, “You know, you shouldn’t point your weapon at your Commanding Officers.”

Oh wow, guess what? It's Adam!
Samus: Funny thing is, I don't work for the Federation, so technically, following his orders would be more of a choice than anything else. Plus, he's only my CO for missions, as in, he tells me what to kill, and I kill it. That's it. Nothing else to it.

-Chapter 14-

Quote :

I turned to the black power suit, “Shadow?” I said questionably.
The black suit turned to me, “It’s only a code name I go by. I have no real name.”
Adam spoke up, “Shadow was created by the Galactic Federation and to strictly follow orders. It is basically our replica of you, Samus.”

Samus: At that point, I would probably shoot the thing.
I would like to take this moment to let everyone know the obvious. Samus here is my interpretation of how should would act and behave if she actually existed. Of which, I've decided that she would probably be badass tomboy who don't take shit from anyone.
Samus: There, the same goes for Zero. That's just his idea of how he would act and behave in real life.
So don't give me any flack about it!

Also, apparently Adam has a thing for Samus. He is also jealous of Kyan. I should be surprised, but I'm actually more offended than surprised at this revelation. Also, this imposter is exceptionally oblivious to the obvious.
Samus: I want to kill her. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Zero: Join the club. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
I call Club President. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

My eyes grew and I opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn’t speak. I looked up at Adam and gained my voice back, “What’s this for?!” I asked in a raspy tone.

Samus: Wow, she doesn't know what an engagement ring is. Dipshit.
Zero: Kinda sad.
Where were you anyways?
Zero: Working off my frustration on some maveriks.
Ah.
I'd like to point out, that despite her being with Kyan, carrying his child, and all but saying that Kyan is her 'twu luv', Adam still thinks she would say yes.
Samus: Now I'm insulted. Adam wouldn't try such a thing, he's far too intelligent for that! Hell, he had me fooled that he was just some A.I. the entire B.S.L. event, and that's not an easy task.
Damn right.

Quote :

“How sad… the mighty bounty hunter has fallen.” A deep voice came from behind me.
I spun around and encountered a tall man with a trimmed black beard and mustache. His brown eyes pierced fiercely into mine and his expression was rough.
Adam gasped, “General Marqeen!”

Dun, dun, DUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!
...
...
Is it over yet? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

-Chapter 15-

Quote :

General Marqeen held a rocket rifle in one hand with the point jabbing into my side.
“Make any movements and I’ll blow your beautiful ass off.” He grinned down at me.
“General, what are you doing?” Adam asked in a surprised voice.
The General turned his head to glare at Adam, “What does it look like? I’m about to blow your girlfriend’s body in two if you don’t standstill!”
Marqeen grinned hungrily at me, “As for you, you’re coming with me!” He snatched up my under arm with his free hand and pulled me down the corridor. Marqeen pushed me to walk ahead of him while his gunpoint was jabbing into my butt.
“Raise your arms up where I can see them!” Marqeen snarled.
I raised my arms into the air above my head. “What is the meaning of this, General?” I asked calmly.
General Marqeen laughed, “What do you think? I’m using you as my hostage, bounty hunter. If you try running, say good bye to your cute ass!” He jabbed his gun harder into me.
I grew annoyed… very annoyed.
I stopped and spun around to face him. “What makes you think you can get away with this so easily?” I placed my hand on my hip and gave the General a hard glare.
The General grinned and asked mockingly, “You mean my gun up your ass? Would you prefer my hand on it instead? I wouldn’t mind that!”
I smiled, “If you think you can.”

Samus: Do I need to list the many ways I could have killed him or reversed the situation at any moment during that time period?
No, I think we all know that you would have killed him rather quickly for trying that on you all while being a pervert about it.
Samus: Good. Just making sure.

Quote :

Suddenly, I kicked the gun out of Marqeen’s grip and snatched it out of the air and then put the point of the rifle to Marqeen’s long hawk nose. “I don’t like being touched! I may be just a resident of Terra, but I’m still a bounty hunter at heart!”

No, you're a weak imposter and this is your only shining moment.
Samus: Yep.
Zero: Just check the following paragraph.

Quote :

General Marqeen smiled, “I never said otherwise.” He ripped the gun out of my hand and stabbed me between my breasts with the gun. “You’re good, bounty hunter, but apparently not as good as me. You are not even a military soldier. If you were, then you wouldn’t have aimed the gun where I could have grabbed it so easily.

Told ya.
Samus: And then the imposter crumpled to the floor in a heap and a rapidly growing pool of blood for being stabbed in a vital area with such a large and blunt object that somehow became sharp in the span of five seconds.
Too bad that isn't true.
Samus: Damnit.

Quote :

A figure in a dark blue suit, much like my old power suit, came out into the small room.

Samus: *loud swearing*
*edging away from extremely pissed Samus* [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Quote :

General Marqeen lowered his gun and stepped to stand before the dark suit. “You should look in the mirror once in a while, you pale ass pansy! If you’re so smart, how are you going to fix the X parasite problem that you released? Those damn things could be in this very room!”
The dark power suit lifted up its left arm with a beam cannon attached to it. “It’s not my problem. Maybe you should think of your own life right about now. I’m perfectly safe since I coated this suit with Metroid serum.”

Samus: *currently being held down by Zero, still swearing loudly and expressing just as loudly how she's going to kill those people*
Yeah...Zero, in the interest of keeping this studio in one piece, could you sedate her?
Zero: On it. *injects her with a tranquiler to knock her out*
Samus: *KO'd*
Thank you.

Quote :

Doctor Horn nodded, “I was the one that told him to escort you to the ceremonial dinner, and then I had hoped the love chemistry would take its roll between you two.. Everything has gone according to plan! Now, I have you, the product. Now e can really start the experiment.”

Wow, the entire plan hinged on this imposter falling for Kyan? In reality, that is so unlikely that it wouldn't even be feasable!
Zero: For a scientist, he is one hell of an idiot. Hell, he makes people like Willy and Eggman look smart!
And that's just plain sad.
Zero: Damn straight.

Quote :

Doctor Horn grinned, “That won’t do you any good, my dear. My suit is impenetrable and your cannon won’t have any affect on me.”

Zero: When did he get his hands on Mettool alloy?
Hell if I know. Though the effect is negated with that swelled head of his completely uncovered and vulnerable, not to mention in point-blank range making him a rather easy target.
Zero: Yep. Idiot.

Quote :

Kyan laughed and said, “Did you forget, my love? I’m capable of fighting off the X parasites. Any unrecognized organism that gets into my bloodstream is immediately terminated by my T-cells. My immune system is twice as strong that of a humans.”

*KO'd*
Zero: Well, at least he lasted longer than last time. Thankfully I got him tranquilized before he nuked another city in a blind rage. Anyways. Both him and Samus will be returning later to snark the last four chapters of this badfic. Until then, enjoy this review.

*screen cuts out*

I'm sure it's possible to write a story where Samus falls in love without making her an utter wimp so her Twu Wub can save her.

This story, of course, is definitely not that one.

Might I remind you that this is post-Fusion Samus, meaning she is now half-metroid and has Phazon in her blood? Am I bad for hoping that whatever hellspawn the imposter conceives kills everyone in that fic?

The second part copies the plot of Fusion with extra humiliation... and two Samus recolors? One of them named Shadow? When did Metroid became Sonic The Hedgehog?

Quote :

Kyan had told me that his mother suffered through a terrible sickness
and died while Kyan had been only a young child. His father became
heart broken after his wife's death.
His father was even more
devastated that he had to give the young Kyan over to his closest
friend in order to hide the young boy from an evil man.
Kyan had to live through a life of humiliation and constant running.
The people he grew up with disliked him for what he was... A human.

Boo-hoo. Samus would roll her eyes at that, tell him about HER past, and say he should have stabbed the evil man as well.

Quote :

Exodia's Right Leg:
Might I remind you that this is post-Fusion Samus, meaning she is now half-metroid and has Phazon in her blood? Am I bad for hoping that whatever hellspawn the imposter conceives kills everyone in that fic?

I don't think the Corruption incident happened directly after the Fusion incident. Even then, at the end of Corruption, it's said that all of the Phazon vanished from her after the destruction of that planet.

And now, the last four chapters of this atrocity.
Samus: Finnally, four chapters away from blowing those annoying idiots to hell, especially that imposter.
Zero: I'm getting two sabers for the price of one, I can work with this.
Lets get this over with.

-Chapter 16-

Quote :

Kyan chuckled pleasantly, “I’m full of surprises, my love.” He came to me and placed his hand on my shoulder, “You take the lead and I’ll watch the rear.”
“I hope you don’t mean my rear.” I joked.

Samus: Ugh, the joke...it's actually causing physical pain...
Hang in there, Aran.

Quote :

I looked up to see a long sharp point of a vine slowly lower down beside the little probe. The needle like point aimed at me.
I gasped! The sharp point suddenly shot out and cut through my power suit’s shoulder and pegged into my right arm!
I screamed from the sudden pain! I shook my head and struggled against the vines wrapped around me to try and get to my throbbing arm!
“Felicia! Stop! Please!” I screamed! The pain in my arm was overwhelming! I clenched my teeth and peeled my watering eyes open and turned my head to look at my arm. I saw the vine pulsing and saw orange goo coming out of the hole in my suit.
I was being injected with X!

All three of us: [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Samus's metroid genes make her immune to the X! Hell, they could probably serve as a secondary source of food for her now!
Samus: Yeah! If they actually did that, sure, the wound would hurt, but I would be perfectly ok. Not like the X in its gelatinous normal form pose any form of a threat to me. Hell, I'd be laughing my ass off once they tried to do such a thing to me!
Zero: This individual apparently did not do the research when he or she wrote this.
No shit.

Quote :

“Samus, get out of here! The X want to kill you. You are their greatest threat and the only one to stop them.. they only want me for their control.. they will try with all their might to try and absorb me for their control.”
I slowly stood up an asked softly, “Kyan? What are you saying? How do you know that?”
“I can understand them.. and they can understand me.” Kyan slowly turned toward me and took his helmet off. He smiled lovingly and stared at me with his glowing green sad-looking eyes, “You must go, Samus. I will take care of these parasites.
There is not enough time left to hold my control over them. You must get back into the civilian sector and seal it. Use the security emergency break off hatch to sperate the Science Facilities and Monster Habitat from the civilian colony.
I will use my power to destroy these parasites and give the Terran colony a boost to reach a nearby planet in time before the air supply runs out.”

Yay, the Stu is going to die!
Samus: Admitedly, he gets a rather undeserving heroic death, but at least he's dead.
Zero: Here, here!

-Chapter 17-

Quote :

I gradually grew impatient as X infected life forms got into my way. It was as if they were preventing my escape.

Well duh. Of course they're trying to prevent you from escaping! You pose the only actual obstacle in their conquring of the galaxy dipshit.
Samus: With her level of skill, she wouldn't pose much of a threat at all, actually.
True.

Quote :

I narrowed my eyes and cursed under my breath as I used the last of my missiles. “Now, I’m officially screwed.” I muttered irritably.

Samus: I tend to only use my missles when the enemy warrants such a thing. Otherwise, the beam cannon works rather well against all other enemies.
Yeah. Now she's gone and wasted them on a bunch of numerous weaker enemies that the beam cannon could have taken out in just as easily.
Zero: Idiot.

Quote :

The scientist stopped.. and its lips formed into a grin.
I was aghast! The X that had infested this scientist must have acquired the capabilities of facial expression..

Samus: They can so much more than that, girly.
They're the Flood of the Metroid universe. Once they infect something, they have access to all of the host's memories. Though I can't quite remember if they have a hive mind like the Flood do.

Quote :

The Metroid was sucking the energy from the X infected scientist!

Duh, the metroids were specifically created by the Chozo to counter the X. As revealed in Metroid Fusion!

-Chapter 18-

Quote :

Adam placed his hand gently on my shoulder and whispered kindly, “I know that Kyan meant a lot to you and he was the first one that you cared about… It’s hard to cope with death.” He paused and looked away for a moment. He shortly returned his gazed and lowered his voice even more to a soft whisper, “I will help you through it if you allow me to, Samus.”

All three: Too soon, idiot!
Samus: Adam is a prick in this...
Insulting, isn't it?
Samus: Very.

Quote :

The large dark blue glowing planet was coming upon us quickly!

Phaze?

-Chapter 19-

Samus: *double-checking weapons*
Zero: *same*
*climbing into Grizzly (Halo Wars)*

Wow, the ending is actually acceptable. That is a shocker. Anyways. Time to kill a bitch. Lets rock! *closes hatch*

On a final note, this story, despite laying claim to having a sequal, has yet to recieve one in 6 years. Say it with me now, people!

All three: THANK GOD! *procede to decimate those pathetic idiots*

The author seems to have a fetish for needles.

A word about Samus' warsuit: Its ability to withstand damage comes and goes as it is convenient to do so. For instance, at the beginning of Metroid Prime, a small bump causes 80% of the suit to fall apart. But by the end, you're waste deep in Phazon unleashing hell on some God forsaken, mutated hellbeast as it clobbers you all about the place, AND YOU WIN.

The author simply seems to have skipped over the part where incidental contact that football pads would protect against half destroys her suit.

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

A word about Samus' warsuit: Its ability to withstand damage comes and goes as it is convenient to do so.

At CBR, we call that a "low showing". Here you could call it "bad writing".

The thing about Nintendo franchises is that the writers and artists just don't care much. That's why we have no-nonsense bruiser Samus turning into a dancing temptress when she loses her armor in SSBB.