Sailor Moon: Promise of a Distant Past by Terra King

This story, if you think about it, is actually kind of impressive. Most hideously terrible fanfiction requires a few boring paragraphs to warm up, but Terra King's "Sailor Moon: Promise of a Distant Past" hits the ground running with the summary alone:

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Want a jealous, possessive Mamoru? An ever-innocent and clueless Usagi? Chapter 4 up! PLEASE CONTINUE TO REVIEW! THANKS! Inspiration is acquired from the first Sailor Moon movie.

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I tried to keep my expectations realistic. I mean, after that doozy, I was expecting to be disappointed. I guess today was my lucky day or something, because this is the very first paragraph of this story:

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The man appeared to be no more than twenty-one-or-two-years-old, and looked every inch a handsome rogue. Dark blue hair was combed in a neat-sleek fashion that spelt sophistication, with piercing purple eyes. His stylish suit of white and black defined the set of a true model body. His right ear was pierced with a matching blue diamond that simply sparkled in the light. His eyebrows were black and glossy, chiseled cheekbones with a flawlessly sculpted nose. Alluringly seductive lips were curled into an enigmatic smile. Rogue he might be, but he also had a grace and elegance that could make any gentleman green with envy.

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Usagi stared at him, question marks shooting out from her bluer-than-blue eyes. This man definitely was not human. She was sure of that.

"Ow!" he cried out in a melodious baritone, clutching his perfectly sculpted, masculine hand over his hypnotic purple eye. His beautiful lips curled into a grimace of exquisite pain. A single, crystalline tear ran down his chiseled features.

"What's wrong?" Usagi asked him.

"You shot one of those question marks into my eye!" he sniffled in a manly way.

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Mamoru’s question broke into her thoughts. “Usako, you know him?” He did not like the way this alien stranger was looking at his woman. Not one bit. As far as he was concerned, his precious beloved Usako was not a mouthwatering pudding to be devoured. And even if she was, the only man entitled to devour her was him, not some strange man with the ability to appear out of nowhere, and with the most unnerving smile in the universe. His possessive instincts highly aroused, Mamoru drew Usagi closer to him, and gave the stranger a dark challenging gaze.

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MMMM-MM-MM-MMMMMMMMMMMM

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“I don’t remember…” Usagi replied honestly. She knew neither how nor why, but she knew that somewhere, somehow, she had met this stranger before, and had offered him friendship. But she could not remember.

The stranger spoke again. “I kept you waiting. Now, let’s go. I apologize for taking so long…but the two gifts I promised you are now ready.”

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"Yeah, I got one of 'em in this box right here."

The Handsome Stranger then proceeds to tell a clueless Usagi that they had shared a promise, once. Something about two gifts or being her first rimjob or something. At some point he takes her hands in his so that he can stare soppily into her eyes, but Mamoru isn't havin' that:

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Before she could say anything, however, Mamoru stepped in. He had had enough of this.

“It is utterly improper of a respectable gentleman to be touching a soon-to-be-married woman and attempting to seduce her through eye contact.” Mamoru said. His voice was so cold that they sent chills down Usagi’s spine. He roughly detached his Usako’s hand from the stranger’s and drew her even closer. His grip on her now was so tight that she actually felt a little pain.

"And as if those transgressions weren't severe enough," Mamoru continued with righteous conviction, "she is also menstruating right now, so by touching her you have sinned in the eyes of God and are unclean! You are also more susceptible to bear attacks now that her scent is on you."

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A frown darkened the stranger’s roguishly handsome face. He glared at Mamoru just as Mamoru glared darkly at him. “And you would be?”

“I am Usako’s lover and future husband.” Mamoru replied flatly, coldly, his own sensuous lips curling into a cruelly triumphant smile, though his sapphire eyes were still flashing with rage.

“Really?” The stranger raised an elegant eyebrow. “Usagi? Is this for real?”

"Yes, actually. You have met your equal! There isn't a single part of Mamoru that isn't just as awe-inspiringly dark and handsome as you are. I took him to the doctor's when he had an ear infection once and the attending physician orgasmed immediately at the sight of his scintillating cochlea."

It is now that we learn the stranger's name:

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Usagi nodded. “Yes. Charmant. He is my fiancé.”

Charmant? What is his last name? McPantywetter?

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Usagi thought Charmant’s eyes darkened, but before she could be sure, they were their normal colour again, and the expression on his breathtaking face could only be described as tender and loving. “Fiancé or no fiancé, Usagi, I’ll make sure I fulfill the promise we made.” In a swirl of strange winds and apple blossoms, Charmant vanished, leaving behind a bunch of utterly confused and bewildered individuals.

Yeah, I'd be pretty fucking confused too if Charmant McPantywetter simply poofed out of existence in a swirl of petals and Febreeze.

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“There is no doubt about it.” Usagi said quietly. “He is Charmant. Time and puberty had looked upon him with favour. My only memory of him was a sickly-looking boy, as pale as death itself. Now he is so…so…so…different…”

Get in line, Time and Puberty. Everybody wants a piece of Charmant. Ladies line up to his left for make-outs, dudes line up to his right for high-fives.

There are three more chapters of this epic masterpiece of prose, purple enough to turn Stephanie Meyer's chocolate-brown orbs green with envy. And in case that wasn't enough to tempt you, get a load of this sneak preview clip from Chapter 2:

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“We were not ourselves back then!” Nikos reminded her. “We had been brainwashed by that madwoman Beryl into becoming her zombie slaves. Besides, that was all in the past now. And homicidal maniac or not, Makoto Kino, you will be marrying me sooner or later, and I do not want to hear you admiring or complimenting any other man, apart from me, ever again, or I will turn our “playtimes in bed” into torture sessions. Am I understood?”

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That's not Stephenie Meyer, that's Georgette Heyer while chocking on a thesaurus. And I should know, because I devour her books (shuddap, k?).

Case in point, the opening of "The Black Moth":

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CLAD in his customary black and silver, with raven hair unpowdered and elaborately
dressed, diamonds on his fingers and in his cravat, Hugh Tracy Clare Belmanoir, Duke of
Andover, sat at the escritoire in the library of his town house, writing.
He wore no rouge on his face, the almost unnatural pallor of which seemed designedly
enhanced by a patch set beneath his right eye. Brows and lashes were black, the former
slanting slightly up at the corners, but his narrow, heavy-lidded eyes were green and
strangely piercing. The thin lips curled a little, sneering, as one dead-white hand travelled to
and fro across the paper.

Most of it reads like a really bad Regency romance novel, with some modern slang thrown in. There are better examples but I can't be arsed to look for them. Suffice to say, I think I know where she got her inspiration from.

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She knew neither how nor why, but she knew that somewhere, somehow, she had met this stranger before, and had offered him friendship. But she could not remember.

Translation: "Had drunken sex, forgot afterwards."

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“There is no doubt about it.” Usagi said quietly. “He is Charmant. Time and puberty had looked upon him with favour. My only memory of him was a sickly-looking boy, as pale as death itself. Now he is so…so…so…different…”

He grew curves in all the right places?

Translation: "Dude used to be a total loser but he's hot now."

And you just know that the real Usagi wouldn't be able to string that many complicated words together and would have asked Ami three times to translate it into plain speak for her.

Charmant?! Who the hell names their child Charmant? Especially if it's a boy?

All I can think of is Charmander from Pokemon...

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"And as if those transgressions weren't severe enough," Mamoru continued with righteous conviction, "she is also menstruating right now, so by touching her you have sinned in the eyes of God and are unclean! You are also more susceptible to bear attacks now that her scent is on you."

I almost snorted a piece of granola bar out my nose while laughing at this. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

.
.
.

Ow.

I really don't think anything can top that masterful placing of bishie!Squidward, but Narwhal asked, so...

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Artemis
winced as Ami applied ointment onto his wounds. Luna gave a small
sigh of relief Zack bandaged her up with the slow, patient gentleness
of an experienced doctor. The room itself was rather quiet, unusually
quiet despite the number of people who were there. With the exception
of a few, the others were still recovering from the shock they had
received earlier due to a most unfortunate incident.

Artemis: And...and...and he stuck it in my...and he wanted to...but I didn't!
Zack: Shh...shhhh, it's okay. We beat the little pervert to death with his own keyboard. Oscar is never ever gonna hurt you again.

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“It
could have been worse. Remember that.” Ramus said coldly as he bit
into his third slice of pizza. “Count yourselves lucky that you two
are still alive. Be thankful that it was only steel-tipped roses.
Considering how powerful he has been becoming lately, it could have
been bolts of lightning or blasts of fire or even portals to
dimensions of unspeakable everlasting torment. You two were lucky not
to have been killed.”

Zack: Now you're abusing animals with portals!
Luna: Hey, man, NEDM, NE-fucking-DM!

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A tiny part of the two cats
still could not believe that it was actually Mamoru Chiba who had
attacked them just now. “Unbelievable.” Artemis shook his head.
“Simply unbelievable. Flaring up like that and attacking Luna and
me simply because we wanted to borrow Usagi for a meeting. To think
we always thought of him as the epitome of a gentleman.”

You know, as unbelievable as this is, I will say that the mental image of Mamoru going absolutely BATSHIT FUCKING CRAZY GO NUTS is kind of appealing. I can only hope that this ends with him stark naked except for a strapped-on pineapple over his tulip-and-bulbs and a pair of Badtz-Maru earrings, cackling madly and shoving jelly doughnuts in his ears as the world burns.

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“Assez.”
Ramus
said. “Assez.
Un plus mot de plaignez-vous et I volonté vous de humain la parole
de manière permanente. Laissé nous descendent aux affaires. Ce qui
est the but de cette reunion?”

Oh shit, I took Spanish in high school...um, lemme try some DYNAMIC INTEREPRETATION! "Asses. Asses. My sternum is filled with termites, I am melancholy and want french fries. The lemming is driving recklessly. Are these my feet?"

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Prince Pantaleon Orion Eveningstar, also known as Ramus
Thierry Tsukino, was a boy of rare beauty, with a face so filled with
character and determination that one cannot doubt for a second that
he was his sister’s brother through and through.

Prince Pantaloons de Knickerbockers, from the province of Boxer, New Trouserland!

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He was a
precocious and observant child, only nine years old but capable of
making a pun or turning a jest in Japanese, English, French, Spanish
or Latin. Ami was quick and a scholar, but she had not the teaching
of this little Prince and she secretly envied him that too. And this
boy had all of his older sister’s presence. He had an assurance
that no one can learn. He had a grace that came from absolute
confidence in his position in the world. Not to mention that he was
an accomplished and formidable warrior in his own right – even the
usually fearless and arrogant Outer Senshi treated him with a mixture
of silent fear and absolute respect. The fact they were always
intimidated by a little boy who could literally manipulate their
powers as if they were toys to play with, and order them about as he
pleased, was utterly humiliating to the four warriors of the outer
solar system, but it was also the truth, the
gospel truth.
They had seen how potent his powers were when aroused, and how
terrifying his rages were – he was a harbinger of destruction while
his older sister was a messenger of salvation and redemption. Woe to
anyone who got his bad side – that was an acknowledged truth
amongst the Sailor Senshi.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Second Coming...-kun.

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“The
link was made only yesterday, at the last stroke of midnight. We have
tried to find out who forged that link, and what kind of dimension it
was. But our attempts were futile. It was as if the person who made
that link did not want us to know, and had blocked us out. One thing
is certain, though. Whoever made that link definitely has tremendous
amounts of power, enough power, I believe, to rival the Silver
Crystal
and the Gold
of Gaia.

Prince Pantaloons: In fact, the Bronze Thingamajig and the Cubic Zirconia of Nylarhotep have already fallen.
Ami: No! Say it isn't so!

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“An
interest that sent a calm, cool and dignified Prince of Earth to an
unnatural frenzy of jealousy and rage – a frenzy that nearly killed
us both.” Luna said bitterly.“Assez!”
Ramus
snapped, and at the expression on his face the two cats stopped
sulking and hung their heads like two children who had been scolded
harshly for disobedience.

Prince Pantaloons: You're just a bunch of asses, all of you! I'm running away! I've got my peanut butter and my Stu sparkles and that's all I need!

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“They say that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but in this
case, it is hell hath no fury like a Prince of Earth scorned – our
evidence right here.”

Hell hath no fury like a Cyberwulf scorned if you keep talking like that, kid.

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He pointed at the two cats, whose wounds were
so serious that even now they were still slightly throbbing despite
the ointment, and they had been bandaged so thoroughly that they
looked like mummies.

Prince Pantaloons: By the way, those are gonna hurt like hell to pull off. Fur and all. Just an F-Y-I.
Luna: Wait a second...you're really the prince of Snot-Nosed-Bratonia, aren't you?
Prince Pantaloons: Really, I'd thought you'd have noticed when I used our traditional greeting.
Artemis: I did wonder why you kicked everyone in the shins and stole their gum in such a genteel manner.

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“What?”
Makoto replied defensively. “He is
a handsome, charming young fellow. Besides, you four boys were
homicidal maniacs yourselves once upon a time, remember?”“We
were not ourselves back then!” Nikos
reminded her. “We had been brainwashed by that madwoman Beryl into
becoming her zombie slaves. Besides, that was all in the past now.
And homicidal maniac or not, Makoto Kino, you will be marrying me
sooner or later, and I do not want to hear you admiring or
complimenting any other man, apart from me, ever again, or I will
turn our “playtimes in bed” into torture sessions. Am I
understood?”Makoto
reddened at that exposure of the secret that she was no longer a
virgin. Everyone in the room went pale and then red.

Pale, at the idea that someone just threatened their friend with vicious sexual abuse, then red, as they drew weapons and prepared to kick some ass. Also, what the fucking fuck.

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“Rolling
in the hay before legally wed. For shame, my brother, I must pray for
your immortal soul, for surely it would be condemned to hell for such
a sin.” Zack crossed himself and pretended to utter a prayer,
though his eyes were laughing.

Yeah, I would rather be reading Hellsing slash right now, thanks for rubbing it in, fic.

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“Speak
for yourselves, hypocrites.” Nikos retorted smoothly, a cruel smile
on his handsome face. “You think that I do not know your secrets?
About what you three have been doing under the cover of night, behind
heavily locked doors, in rooms enchanted with soundproof spells? Am I
a seer and astrologer for nothing? Rei Hino, Ami Mizuko and Minako
Aino had stopped being virgins a long time ago, because you three
had…made it that way. The three of them had lost their maidenhoods,
their virginities, their innocence to you three almost the same time
as Makoto lost hers to me. Even now you three are engaging in sexual
activities with the women you love nearly every night, just like I
am, so don’t you dare criticize me when you are just as guilty as I
am."

This guy is fun. Isn't this guy fun? I'm definitely going to invite him to my next party. We needed someone to communally decide to beat to death on general principle.

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“Oh,
right.” Ramus smiled. “She and Chiba-san hasn’t done the deed
yet. Must be driving him crazy, I bet. Not that I will ever permit
him to do anything funny to my sister before their wedding night, of
course. If he cannot keep it in his pants, I will make sure he wished
that he had.”“I
am sure you will.” Setsuna said weakly. Rumor had it that Ramus had
threatened to render Mamoru impotent for eternity if he dared to lure
Usagi to bed, or even suggest that they try the pleasures of the
flesh, before they were bound in the sacred ties of marriage. Not
that everyone was really worried that Mamoru would do anything to
Usagi anyway. He was a noble and honourable man. He will never ever
deflower the incomparably pure and innocent Usagi before they were
legally wed.

HEY GUYS

A RANDOM NINE-YEAR-OLD IS CONTROLLING EVERY ASPECT OF A GROWN WOMAN'S SEX LIFE AND THREATENING VIOLENCE IF SHE MAKES HER OWN CHOICES

IT'S A GOOD THING

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Oh shit, I took Spanish in high school...um, lemme try some DYNAMIC INTEREPRETATION! "Asses. Asses. My sternum is filled with termites, I am melancholy and want french fries. The lemming is driving recklessly. Are these my feet?"

fucking lol

Oh my God, that was great.

fucking LOL at angry!me.

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^ Charmant

Dammit, you guys, just stop it! You're making me laugh so hard I just snorted Pepsi up my nose. Do you know how painful that is?

Mae Bedlam wrote:

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WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS TOMFOOLERY!?
SURELY I HAVE AM UNPARALLELED IN INTELLECT AND WIT AND SHALL VERILY SOLVE ELEVENTY-ONE RUBIX CUBES PRIOR TO YOUR FIRST ATTEMPT TO GRASP BUT ONE OF THE PONDEROUS CUBES!
TRULY I SHALL REMAIN VICTORIOUS SO LONG AS VITALITY PREVAILS UPON THE NETWORK OF INTERCONNECTED COMPUTING CONTRAPTIONS!

aaah ha ha ha ha ha ha

I like to think that the top hats just keep going, eventually forming a Mandelbrot Set fractal. A Mandelhat Set.

Why hullo, what's all this then?
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Hmm...it seems that a sudden shock of hysteria has gripped the poor maidens who have subjected themselves to the first two chapters. Perhaps I should perform my duty as a gentleman, and ensure the third is suitable for fairer eyes.

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To say that he was highly annoyed by this change in his plans would have been a vast understatement. He had actually spent the early part of the day alternating between keeping his Usako as close to him as possible and glaring murderously at Minako.

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Methinks this young man's rage would be better focused on other tasks, such as this overponderous prose. Don't fiddle with your words, sirrah, get on with it!

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It had literally taken all the willpower he had not to turn her into a toad or a worm or something unpleasant like that, and not to lash out and humiliate her before everyone. A wave of shameful pleasure washed through his body as he recalled how frightened she had been of him of him anyway, seeking refuge behind Kevin’s broad-shouldered and muscular form. At the plea in his friend’s silver-grey eyes, and the pleading distress on his beloved’s face as she gently tugged at his arm for him to stop plotting how to get the better of Minako Aino, he relented, but still shoot Minako one last warning glare before shifting the whole of his attention on his Usako.

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Amative little scoundrel, isn't he? I should hope this cad never enacts his philoprogenitive instincts with some poor dollymop, lest we should suffer a return of the uncouth Huns!

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It was not her fault that she was so utterly perfect in her pure, unsoiled, virginal innocence that blessed her creamy lovely appearance, her eyes soft and clear with an unearthly shade of dark blue, and her fountain-like silky hair shining with not only gold but also copper and bronze as the sunshine and winds played with it.
...
It was not her fault that beneath those modest clothes she was all womanly curves – slender waist, gently flared hips, flawlessly lush thighs, and small breasts full and firm and nicely rounded…

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Must we pay such close attention to this young man's leering? To clog up the narrative with one own's lexiconical stumblings is one matter, but stopping it entirely for a bout of mental onanism is quite another, and a most disgraceful one at that! I demand you to desist!

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No one would have recognized him in the frenzy of rage that he had flown straight into. Almost everyone had stared – wide-eyed and open-mouthed – as he shrieked at and even cursed the two cats for interfering in his love life and in his seemingly never-ending quest to win back Usagi’s trust and faith in him. Unsatisfied yet with the harsh, unfeeling words that had fled from his mouth in his fury, he had attacked them with a shower of roses with razor-sharp, steel-tipped ends, their screams of pain and shock and fear sounding like music to his ears.

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Oh dear. Oh dearie dear indeed.
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He will regain her faith and trust no matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes.

He will wait until their wedding night to take the virginity that he had always desperately wanted, no matter how torturous it was becoming for him, no matter how distant that special night would be.

At least he had her all to himself tonight.

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Zeiss.

Would you like your internets with a side of the lung I just coughed up?

I just hurt myself laughing from reading this whole thread. I hope you're happy guys!

Holy shit, when the monocle broke I LOLed for about five minutes.