The Angry Beavers Fansite

While surfing the vast reaches of the internet, one occasionally washes up on the shores of strange, cracked-out and disturbing sites that reduce one to staring slack-jawed at the screen, muttering “What the FUCK” over and over again.

And sometimes one's friends send one a direct link to them instead. Thanks, Mafi.

I present The Angry Beavers Fansite, dedicated to one furry’s love, yes love, of Norbert Beaver, a cartoon beaver.

No, not that kind.

Veering into sad (in both senses of the word) and disturbing territory, the webmaster rationalises his long-term love affair with a cartoon beaver, documents his experiences with chemical castration, and treats readers to a self-insert snuff fic in which he murders the object of his desire. There’s a lot more, and all of it will make your jaw drop.

I’m going to review the essay linked above, “The Norbert Beaver Obsession”, and leave the rest of the site for other brave souls to cover.

I bagged this essay in the chatbox because at first glance I thought I could get a few laughs by reviewing it. And it starts out like anything else written by a demented shitburger who thinks cartoons are real and/or exist in some fantasy dimension close to our own.

Quote :

my love is for that of a cartoon character named Norbert Foster Beaver. What I feel for him is no different to what you may feel for the love of your life, in fact I strongly believe that Norbert is (dun... dun... dun...) the one. Our relationship strong and durable, and most of all it's simple. We have been one since January 2004, which makes it longer lasting than many relationships I have seen come and go around me. […] I sit here today, 6 and a half years into our remarkable relationship and I'm thoroughly happy with what we have.

Yes indeed. Comparisons with our most famous, Shadow’s-ass-appreciating furry come to mind. And you might well be tempted to LOL when you read about the steps the author has taken to make his ‘lover’ more tangible:

Quote :

I know for sure that I cannot get the REAL Norbert Beaver, but there is always a way to get him in some form. Currently I have a very nice plushie that I made of him that I simply cannot do without, it has in effect BECOME Norbert. But I continuously strive for a better substitute and tell myself every night that he is mine and I will get him one way or another, even if it takes the rest of my lonely, pathetic life. Where will I be 10 years from now? Hopefully holding a more realistic surrogate body of Norbert Beaver. Creepy it may be, but that is the way of things. It's all about management when you're a furry.

But the essay rapidly takes on incredibly creepy overtones, with the author admitting a sexual interest in dogs and that his urges, if acted upon, would land him in prison.

Quote :

The argument to counter this is that thoughts ENCOURAGE the behaviour which will lead to me acting out on my fantasies. To be honest, they actually he a point. I cannot argue with that fact. All I can ask is that you trust me, I know the implications and it's not worth it. When the time comes that the urge outweighs the consequences then you can come visit me in jail and ask me what went wrong, hopefully (or maybe not so hopefully for me) by then I'll still be alive.

When you get to the part about how he looked into being chemically castrated and was deemed a suitable candidate for it, you won’t be laughing any more.

It’s all quite fucked up and in places dreadfully sad. Explore at your peril.

Oh God. Oh God.

Dr. Quinzel wrote:

Oh God. Oh God.

Trust me, God had nothing to do with it. That website is the work of Satan.

As someone who can't even sew on a button, I have to give him props for making that thing.

SWEET MOTHER OF GOD NOT THOSE CARTOON BEAVERSohhey that's a cute plushie
I will pretend it's not being clutched by a weirdo wanting to fuck its stuffy brain out. 8D

That website makes my beaver so moist.

This man has such a beautiful relationship with a cartoon animal. It brings tears to my eyes, for real.

Man, I'm sure there are all manner of beaver-related puns I could make, but I'm not at the top of my game today.

XLT- Every time I see the video in your sig, I imagine the guy in the red shirt going "DUR HUR HUR HUR" and then I lol.

i really am flattered by this write up. i get this strange satisfaction that i have made (or ruined) someones day as far as interestingly weird, fucked up shit goes.

all i can say is, thank you for your interest.

PS
this is not a troll, i will not reply to any of your posts and cause DRAMA.
if you want to have an argument or a nice chat, email me.
you will figue out what my email address is on your own if you really want to.

trust me, i may do a bit of strange stuff in my room, but anyone who cannot read my mind thinks i'm pretty normal and okay. i'm just a nice guy with a really horrible sex life!
i dont really want to fuck your shit up, but reactions are rather funny don't you think?

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Drama? Considering the usual vitriol people who find out their crap has been torn apart here tend to attempt spewing to hilarious effect, a polite and unoffended response probably won't get more than a "Pfffffft."

johnofe wrote:

i get this strange satisfaction that i have made (or ruined) someones day as far as interestingly weird, fucked up shit goes.

Furries are too saturated in internet culture to be considered weird anymore. Unless you dress up as a baby wearing a soiled diaper while riding a plush Norbert toy that has been outfitted with anatomically correct dildo that squirts fake jizz, you will be considered somewhat odd.

Has someone been googling himself? Hmmm?

I'm not sure whose day was ruined, I pretty much went on like normal and even- gasp- forgot all about this for about two weeks or something.

johnofe wrote:

i get this strange satisfaction that i have made (or ruined) someones day as far as interestingly weird, fucked up shit goes.

Mostly I just pity you, but you're welcome.

johnofe wrote:

i really am flattered by this write up. i get this strange satisfaction that i have made (or ruined) someones day as far as interestingly weird, fucked up shit goes.

.................. Well, there goes another of my childhood memories straight into the furnace.
I only have a few of those left.

While it would prevent me from laughing at them, people like this should probably stay off the 'net right?

I think I'll go cry a single manly tear in the corner over there.
Just to mourn.

johnofe wrote:

i get this strange satisfaction that i have made (or ruined) someones day as far as interestingly weird, fucked up shit goes.

I actually was fairly ambivalent about the whole thing. I think that there are weirder, more "fucked up" things on the internet than an aspie plushophile.

Also - the shift key. Use it.

Seule wrote:

johnofe wrote:

i get this strange satisfaction that i have made (or ruined) someones day as far as interestingly weird, fucked up shit goes.

I actually was fairly ambivalent about the whole thing. I think that there are weirder, more "fucked up" things on the internet than an aspie plushophile.

Like an aspie plushophile who's sexually attracted to dogs and underwent chemical castration?

The voluntary chemical castration is odd. Most people on the internet seem to be happy to revel in their weird fetishes involving non-consenting partners.

But maybe he should think about upping his dose.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Like an aspie plushophile who's sexually attracted to dogs and underwent chemical castration?

Physical castration is far more hardcore.

I'm sorry guys, I can't help it.

#1. Yesterday I began yet another increase in dosage of my no moe sex pills, making it 2 pills in the morning, lunch time and night. 9 (50mg) pills a day. That's the max. Having seen my psychiatrist, he advised this and prescribed me some aditional things to help my mood and sleep.

I have seriously considdered physical castration, but the results aren't as good as you think. Drugs work better I am told.

Them pills I take because my hunger for sex is too much to handle, I guess I'm hyper-sexual. That and not being able to satisfy myself with a simple plushy and the crave for the real thing (Dogs) is justification for being on this medication. I pride myself on being one of the few people with a serious paraphilia who has seeked help and got it, instead of raping someones poor dog. Don't you agree?

Norbert is not a fetish, but zoophilia is. Just so you know. Norbert is loved byond you comprehention, that is why; even with no sex drive he torments me with his beauty and I still love him more then anything in the world.

Once again, I do apologise for spouting my shit here, I just thought you'd like to know. I have the feeling that my replying to this must infuriate you some how.

I do believe that furries need to stay withing the relms of their communities; furaffinity and fchan, etc. and leave normal sites alone. I'm doing my best, and I don't mind people judging it.

Nihilist, will you be a dear and find out whose sockpuppet this is? I'd let the trolling go on longer, but I'm afraid too many of the other posters won't catch on.

johnofe wrote:

I have seriously considdered physical castration, but the results aren't as good as you think. Drugs work better I am told.

That's why you cut everything off and move to India where you can live out your days as a hijra sucking dudes dick for rupees.

However...

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TheHermit wrote:

Nihilist, will you be a dear and find out whose sockpuppet this is? I'd let the trolling go on longer, but I'm afraid too many of the other posters won't catch on.

Yeah, I kinda figured that after the first few lines but thanks for clarifying Hermit.

Good trolling if it is, it's a very good match for the writing style on the website.

johnofe wrote:

#1. Yesterday I began yet another increase in dosage of my no moe sex pills, making it 2 pills in the morning, lunch time and night. 9 (50mg) pills a day. That's the max. Having seen my psychiatrist, he advised this and prescribed me some aditional things to help my mood and sleep.

site update pls

I hate to say it, but I'm actually fairly impressed by this guy's self-awareness and attempts to deal with his problems. More people whose desires could hurt people (or animals) should consider this sort of thing, instead of hanging out on fetish sites and having circlejerks (I'm thinking more of paedophiles than zoophiles, but both work since neither is possible to have consent). Congrats on having the wherewithal to realize that there was danger on some level to your desires and taking action against them.

That said, I can't reconcile the silliness of the cartoon beaver and the seriousness of your emotions. That's one of the things about furries I never get.

Also the professions of undying love while you're drawing pictures of you killing him.

Dr. Professor Science wrote:

I hate to say it, but I'm actually fairly impressed by this guy's self-awareness and attempts to deal with his problems. More people whose desires could hurt people (or animals) should consider this sort of thing, instead of hanging out on fetish sites and having circlejerks (I'm thinking more of paedophiles than zoophiles, but both work since neither is possible to have consent). Congrats on having the wherewithal to realize that there was danger on some level to your desires and taking action against them.

I had these same thoughts. Yeah, his zoophilia is wrong, but at least he's taking some action to really physically restrain himself.