New and Exciting Obesity Solution

Eat, drink and pump it out: new weight loss gadget sucks food straight out of the stomach

That's the actual headline. Dean Kamen, the man who invented the Segway (also known as the JaMarcus Russel of inventions), invented some surgically installed stomach pump that pulls the food right out of your stomach. This man, this Harbinger of the Absurd, has done the world a great service in bringing bulimia to levels previously only dreamed of.

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Users are able to stuff their face before draining their stomach by connecting the pump to a valve surgically installed in their abdominal wall. The makers hope to use it to treat the morbidly obese, and to provide an alternative to a gastric bypass.

It's a good thing this idea succeeded. Their backup plan was to eat less.

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Initial setbacks – and here's the really yucky part – have occurred because the pump struggles to break up large foods.

To Do List:

[x] Invent single most useless transportation device imaginable
[x] Invent device to pump food out of stomach
[ ] Invent device to pre-chew food so Land Whales can inhale it as usual and still have it fit through the pump
[ ] Mix sugar, spice, everything nice, and Chemical X, and observe results.

Oh, for shit's sake...

So, you want to lose weight while at the same time not actually, technically, doing a goddamn thing to improve your health. Basically, you do the equivalent of ceasing to eat, but thanks to this new pipe you can still eat as much as you like; you just don't gain a damn's worth of nutrition from it!

What a goddamn waste... these people never think about kids in Africa or nothing.

The pump wouldn't have the same trouble with breaking up food if these people chewed, but then again part of the reason they're a bunch of fatasses is because they're not chewing and gaining the proper nutrition from their foods.

Harley wrote:

What a goddamn waste... these people never think about kids in Africa or nothing.

Fuck the kids in Africa. They'll never amount to anything, no matter how much food you airdrop in there that the warlords will just steal anyway.

What about poor Mikey, who has to sit wedge in next to these Hambeasts on planes or public transportation (Note: Mikey doesn't actually use public transportation, he's white)? Or what about the poor planes, that have to get off the ground with these fat fucks weighing them down?

Oh lawdy, won't anyone think of the planes?!

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DIGESTING FOOD IS SUCH A ~hassle~

You're making this up. You're completely making this up. You faked the whole article and everything. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Pooping is pretty gross, but I cannot make my stomach stop growling at me if I do not keep the food in it.

what the fuck

how is this helpful

how

perhaps in the extremely short term as a drastic intervention maybe but it doesn't teach the person anything useful about making good food choices or why they eat or anything

besides which malnutrition is still a thing it doesn't matter how fat you are

holy jesus seriously

Cyberwulf wrote:

besides which malnutrition is still a thing it doesn't matter how fat you are

They need a pump that pumps out the bad food and replaces it with some sort of nutrient solution. And also one that makes you exercise.

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Cyberwulf wrote:

besides which malnutrition is still a thing it doesn't matter how fat you are

They need a pump that pumps out the bad food and replaces it with some sort of nutrient solution. And also one that makes you exercise.

I've been taking part in a weight loss programme for eighteen months now and 90% of the reason it's working is the change in diet. Exercise helps but never as much as you think.

Cyberwulf wrote:

I've been taking part in a weight loss programme for eighteen months now and 90% of the reason it's working is the change in diet. Exercise helps but never as much as you think.

Oh I know, otherwise I would be fat as fuck. Even so, if you need a machine to vomit for you I am guess you could stand to take a walk every now and again.

And how much does the Amazing Bulimia Machine cost?

A lot more than a gym, I'll wager.

But that's tooo haaaaard! Nobody wants to do it the hard way! They'd rather suck the food right out of their stomachs and go back for more!

Cyberwulf wrote:

Reepicheep-chan wrote:

Cyberwulf wrote:

besides which malnutrition is still a thing it doesn't matter how fat you are

They need a pump that pumps out the bad food and replaces it with some sort of nutrient solution. And also one that makes you exercise.

I've been taking part in a weight loss programme for eighteen months now and 90% of the reason it's working is the change in diet. Exercise helps but never as much as you think.

This is correct. Not your spelling of the word "program," but the whole diet bit. You have to eat fewer calories than you burn to lose weight, the easiest way to do that is to eat less, not burn more.

EileenK98 wrote:

And how much does the Amazing Bulimia Machine cost?

A lot more than a gym, I'll wager.

But that's tooo haaaaard! Nobody wants to do it the hard way! They'd rather suck the food right out of their stomachs and go back for more!

Are you not paying attention? It's already been covered that simply not putting food in your mouth is an easier and more effective weight loss regimen than exercise. Gyms are for strength training, not for weight management.

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

Eat, drink and pump it out: new weight loss gadget sucks food straight out of the stomach

That's the actual headline. Dean Kamen, the man who invented the Segway (also known as the JaMarcus Russel of inventions), invented some surgically installed stomach pump that pulls the food right out of your stomach. This man, this Harbinger of the Absurd, has done the world a great service in bringing bulimia to levels previously only dreamed of.

Quote :

Users are able to stuff their face before draining their stomach by connecting the pump to a valve surgically installed in their abdominal wall. The makers hope to use it to treat the morbidly obese, and to provide an alternative to a gastric bypass.

I just...I have no words.

Actually, I take that back. I've got plenty of words-- just none that adequately sum up the sheer lunacy and mindlessness behind Kamen's new stomach pump.

Also, Mikey, you're giving the Segway too much respect by comparing it to JaMarcus Russell. Ryan Leaf would be a more appropriate metaphor.

"Ever wanted to vomit up your food without the bother of sticking your fingers down your throat? Ever wanted to diet without the hassle of ceasing to eat?

NO MORE!

This handy dandy stomach-pump machine just needs two or three people to ram it down your own throat and it will do all the work for you!"

Or, here's ANOTHER new and exciting solution...

PUT DOWN THE GODDAMN FORK. GO OUTSIDE.

EileenK98 wrote:

But that's tooo haaaaard! Nobody wants to do it the hard way!

I'm sick of seeing this sarcastic fuckery from people who have their heads wedged firmly up their assholes and who dine exclusively on their own recycled shit.

Taking more exercise IS hard. Changing your diet IS hard. You have to break old habits and form new ones. You have to (re)learn what foods you can eat every day and what foods have to be weekly/monthly/once in a blue moon treats. You have to reorganise your environment. You have to find healthier ways to hit your craving for chocolate/crisps/whatever. You have to learn how to deal with saboteurs. You have to recognise how your mood affects what you eat and learn to deal with it in a different way. You have to learn exactly how much good exercise does. You have to make space in your day for more exercise. Most people can't do it alone.

And the hardest thing of all is gearing yourself up mentally to a) start to break your old habits and b) stick with your new lifestyle, even when you backslide, even when you're really tempted, even when it's raining and cold and you had a shitty day at work and the last thing you want to do is eat boiled carrots and chicken and take the dog out for an hour. It takes a tremendous amount of mental energy and commitment to change your lifestyle and stick with those changes. I don't say that to boast - it's the truth.

That's why this bulimia machine (not to belabour the fucking point because I'm the fifth person to say it at this stage) is probably the most irresponsible thing I've seen in the past year. You don't learn anything about better eating habits. You don't learn to forgive yourself if you have a bad day diet-wise and start afresh the next day. And just because you pump it out instead of puking it up, thus avoiding all the dental and oesophageal damage, doesn't change the fact that purging your stomach like that is not healthy. This asshole is marketing something that teenage girls have been doing for years as a quick-fix, one size fits all solution to the obesity problem and it ISN'T. There IS no quick-fix. There IS no magic bullet and there never will be. People who are fat because they eat delicious garbage-food all the time will only lose weight (bar catastrophic illness) with a lifestyle change. That's long and hard and the person has to be mentally ready for it.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Taking more exercise IS hard. Changing your diet IS hard. You have to break old habits and form new ones.

And for some reason, everyone recognizes that when we're talking about quitting smoking, and that's much less of a change to your entire lifestyle.

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You have to...

Cook. That's the worst part for me- I actually like healthy food over junk food most of the time, but that requires cooking. And clean-up. And grocery shopping (and finding different grocery stores). If someone were to have healthy dinner ready for me when I get home, I'd never eat anything but.

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You have to learn how to deal with saboteurs

Oh, god, that. "ohhh but you have to try one." (I actually don't want to.) "ohhhh but just once won't count." (Yeah, that's what someone else said yesterday, and yet someone else the day before.) "oohhhh but I MADE THEM." (...shit.)

People think they're being nice when they offer you an excuse. They're not. If they were, they'd try to make it easier for you to stay on track, not to cheat.

grmblfjx wrote:

Quote :

You have to...

Cook. That's the worst part for me- I actually like healthy food over junk food most of the time, but that requires cooking. And clean-up. And grocery shopping (and finding different grocery stores). If someone were to have healthy dinner ready for me when I get home, I'd never eat anything but.

Haha 2nding this to all hell and back. I have made some inroads on my lean protein and fruit intake, but my veggie intake remains pathetically low despite the fact I LOVE veggies. Buying them, storing them, and cooking them? Man, fuck that noise.

I basically only manage to not eat shit all day by never buying shit or keeping shit in my house, and even then I can only resist the vending machines by simply not keeping cash on hand. Unfortunately that sort of thing does not work for exercise since I live in the boonies and cannot just get rid of my car like I did when I was in college. :c I need to get some sort of electricity generating exercise bike and, like, plug my computer into it so I can only use it if I bike 20 mins first or something.

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Quote :

You have to...

Cook.

Derp, missed that one. Probably because I don't mind cooking. But then I work nine to five and don't have to run around after kids/fella so I can pretty much set my own schedule in the evenings.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Quote :

Quote :

You have to...

Cook.

Derp, missed that one. Probably because I don't mind cooking. But then I work nine to five and don't have to run around after kids/fella so I can pretty much set my own schedule in the evenings.

Yeah, the time required for cooking and cleanup is a factor when it comes to eating healthier.

Cyberwulf wrote:

Leeny wrote:

But that's tooo haaaaard! Nobody wants to do it the hard way!

I'm sick of seeing this sarcastic fuckery from people who have their heads wedged firmly up their assholes and who dine exclusively on their own recycled shit.[/quote]

I can't believe I nearly missed an opportunity to point out that Leeny is so fat that Indians consider her holy (get it? It's a cow joke).

Cyberwulf wrote:

You have to (re)learn what foods you can eat every day and what foods have to be weekly/monthly/once in a blue moon treats

Exactly what foods you eat isn't horribly important as it pertains specifically to weight loss, how much of it you eat is what's important. As long as your eating fewer calories than you burn (most I've heard suggest 300-500 deficit for "routine" diets, with a bigger deficit for REALLY fat people) you'll lose weight. Ketogenic diets are different, and are often either pointless or fucking stupid unless one is OH MY GOD fat. Those diets feature cutting out practically all carbs to the point there is no longer enough glycogen stored, and your body starts to break down fat and use the result as a substitute. This is for people who are Break The Elevator fat, any quasi-normal person would be insane to do this.

Of course, exactly what you eat is important for nutrition and general health in addition to weight loss. So while you CAN eat some junk food, for health's sake you need to get your macronutrients (BIG WORDS MAKE MIKEY SOUND SMARTELLIGENT ) and vitamins.

Cyberwulf wrote:

eat boiled carrots and chicken

First, why would you ever boil carrots? Oh gawd, boiled carrots are horrible. Most vegetables are turrible when cooked. Potatoes being the exception (though they're great raw too). Plus I remember reading somewhere online (why would anyone lie on the internet) that boiling vegetables lowers the nutritional value of those vegetables.

Second, chicken is delicious.

Cyberwulf wrote:

This asshole is marketing something that teenage girls have been doing for years as a quick-fix, one size fits all solution to the obesity problem and it ISN'T. There IS no quick-fix. There IS no magic bullet and there never will be.

THANK YOU

This really is the same in principle as every other useless quick fix gizmo developed by marketers (Side note: Marketers are the worst kind of people). It's hype and rainbows aimed at idiots with money. Nothing will ever be effective as milk and squats.

Gumball wrote:

Cook. That's the worst part for me- I actually like healthy food over junk food most of the time, but that requires cooking. And clean-up. And grocery shopping (and finding different grocery stores). If someone were to have healthy dinner ready for me when I get home, I'd never eat anything but.

How hard is it to cook up oatmeal? It takes Mikey ten minutes, tops, to make a bowl of milk and oats and raspberries and raisins and clean up the mess from doing so, and Mikey's an idiot. It doesn't take Mikey any more than 20 minutes to cook chicken, AND MIKEY'S AN IDIOT.

Not everything has to be a seven course meal of broccoli and sunshine prepared by the finest Health Gourmets. Just make a sandwich.

Likewise, food doesn't have to be laughably overprice KashiGoLean style health crap. Just buy the raw ingredients (TV dinner style things are mostly flavors preservatives, and will probably give you Body Cancer). This makes shopping easy

1.) Go to the Wal Mart
2.) Buy chicken, fruits, and vegetables
3.) Leave the Wal Mart

Except you fucking Europoors don't have Wal Marts because you have something against affordable food which is the same reason you enact 9001 tariffs, taxes, regulations, wage controls, and such to drive the price of everything through the roof. Plus the barren, frozen soil of Germany yields nothing but tears and hopelessness (only half kidding, part of the reason food in Alaska was a bit more expensive than the rest of America was because, besides fish and moose turds, we had to ship most of it up there).

So you see? Capitalism makes everything better.

Reepy wrote:

I have made some inroads on my lean protein and fruit intake, but my veggie intake remains pathetically low despite the fact I LOVE veggies. Buying them, storing them, and cooking them?

Why are you people cooking vegetables?

Do you feel you've done something wrong and should punish yourselves? Because that's the only reason I can think of to waste time cooking food in order to make it taste worse.

Don't give me this "taste is subjective" horseshit. I am The Almighty Dictator of Taste and you will bow before me. BOW BEFORE ME!!1!

Baked carrots >>>>>>>>>> raw carrots.

Fuck raw vegetables.

You are a fucking horse and your food opinions do not count for human beings.

Mikey Go WOOGA wrote:

Exactly what foods you eat isn't horribly important as it pertains specifically to weight loss, how much of it you eat is what's important.

...yeah, that's why I mentioned foods you can eat every day and foods that should be treats. Apples - every day. Roast breast of chicken - every day. Large pepperoni pizza from Domino's - NOT every day. Scale that back to once a month.

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As long as your eating fewer calories than you burn (most I've heard suggest 300-500 deficit for "routine" diets, with a bigger deficit for REALLY fat people) you'll lose weight.

But if you don't choose foods that will fill you up, you'll be hungry and tempted to snack. And if you don't find a way to accommodate your chocolate/savoury/sugary orange slices craving that won't ruin your weight loss plan, you'll never stick to it.

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chicken is delicious.

It is delicious. But sometimes if you've had a shitty day at work and it's dark and wet and cold outside, you don't want delicious healthy chicken, you want to order a burger and curry chips from Supermac's and sit on the couch watching all the Judge Judy episodes you taped during the week. You have to prepare for those moments. You have to be able to motivate yourself.

Oh also ideally you want to learn how to eat at least a little bit healthier.

Cyberwulf wrote:

....this bulimia machine (not to belabour the fucking point because I'm the fifth person to say it at this stage) is probably the most irresponsible thing I've seen in the past year.

Past year? It's the most irresponsible thing to come along in the last decade. Besides exacerbating an existing problem, Kamen's machine could potentially create a minefield of new ones. The risk of psychological trauma from this invention can't be overestimated. If I were the gambling type, I'd bet 5 to 1 odds that by this time next year they'll be showing stories on 60 Minutes about "bulimia machine addiction" or "bulimia machine psychosis".

I think one of the best phrases I read awhile back was making a lifestyle change, not dieting because diets are temporary. Promising yourself some delicious fat as a reward in a month for not eating it right now only works in the short term, and basically ensures you'll yo-yo, which is terrible for motivation later when you inevitably need to start dieting again. E.g., "Why bother, I'm just gonna get fat again." And yeah, overhauling your life is pretty goddamn hard.