House of a 1000 Jump Cuts

One night, approaching Halloween...

Mr. Doobie's Roommate: "Hey, I have an idea of what we can watch tonight!"
Mr. Doobie: "?"
Roommate: "Doobs, you hate Rob Zombie's "Halloween", right?"
Mr. Doobie: "is that a rhetorical question?"
Roommate: "What if I told you that between "Halloween" and his first movie, Rob Zombie only got better?"
Mr. Doobie: ".... that.... that's impossible. Everything about "Halloween" was wrong! It was one of the most incompetently made Hollywood releases I've ever seen!"
Roommate: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.... you've never seen "House of 1000 Corpses", have you?"
Mr. Doobie: ".... looks like we're going to Blockbuster"

"Rob Zombie's: House of 1000 Corpses"

STARRING: Sherri Moon Zombie's Ass

Yeah. I never thought I'd ever see a movie that made me say anything good about Rob Zombie's movie career. But now I have to say.... at least he improved with time. And fairly noticeably so. This movie... I have no idea how this movie got green-lighted, if only because the editing is so nauseatingly atrocious. Seriously, it's like the master copy of this movie was Rob Zombie taping over some of his old, unfinished music videos because about every 15 minutes there's a sudden jump cut to often strangely filtered, Non sequitur scenes that last about 30 seconds that add absolutely nothing to the movie other than establish "this movie is a horror movie" or "this villain is baaaaad" because Rob Zombie is too lazy to actually show these things through "traditional" film-making means like "atmosphere", "dialogue", or "characterization".

But, hey, a guys gotta fund his next tour of the backwater county fair circuit somehow, I guess.

For anyone planning on actually watching this shit, I would suggest "The Rob Zombie Drinking Game: House of a Thousand Corpses Edition". Preferably with friends.

THE RULES

I posted this on the "Something Bad Thread", but for your convenience I put it here as well...

1 - each time there's a pumpkin, take a sip
2 - scarecrow, take a sip
3 - clown, take a sip
4 - each time one of the victims is a dick to someone, take a sip
5 - middle finger, take a sip
6 - Sherri Moon Zombie is in it? Shot
7 - shitty editing, sip
8 - each time someone says "Dr. Satan", take a sip

Have fun...

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Welcome to Captain Spaulding's Freakshow/Murder Ride/Gas Station/Fried Chicken Emporium. It's the most ridiculously trashy thing in this movie and the only thing that can be considered any fun at all. So of course it bears little-bordering-no plot relevance, and most of our time is spent away from Captain Spaulding's Redneck Cesspool of Awesome.

Now I consider this Rob Zombie's magnum opus. I hope long after his death he is remembered only as a man with a grand dream. A dream that one day white trash gas stations will be outfitted with mini-haunted hayrides. And while you gaze upon the latex, mechanized glory, hoping that whatever that smell on the air is isn't infectious, you can eat fried chicken, crafted by the loving hands of a probably syphilitic Juggalo.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Martin Luther King.

So inside this respectable establishment is none other than Captain Spaulding himself with his good friend Throwaway Character.

They're discussing the finer points of nudie girl pictures and "retards" masturbating and sticking Planet of the Apes dolls up their ass (y'know, normal guy stuff), when suddenly, two fat guys in overalls and masks and awkwardly demand all the money in the cash register.

Oh no, the suspense is killing me. Is the man with his goddamn face featured most prominently on the movie poster about to get killed by a guy everyone calls "Little Dickwick"?

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YAAAAYYY It's Captain Spaulding's Axe-Wielding Lollipop Guild to the rescue!

And so Little Dickwick and his partner get chopped up. Good job, everyone. And do these first 6 minutes bear any plot relevance? Of course not!

I mean, I guess it establishes that Captain Spaulding is an evil BAMF, but.... did that really need to be established? C'mon, the guy looks like this...

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It's pretty much given he's got a basement full of drugged hookers and a crawlspace littered with the bodies of Cambodian teenagers somewhere.

And this is one of two good scenes in this movie. Really, Rob Zombie could've just kept this first bit as a short, short film and it would've been fine. I mean, yeah, it's got problems, but Captain Spaulding is a lot of fun and you can tell the actor enjoys his character. What I'm trying to say is that this one scene is the only one that really finds that schlocky G-spot I can tell ole' Robert is trying to tickle throughout this movie. The remaining hour and a half he just kinda fumbles awkwardly with my vagina while I stare at the ceiling and promise him his penis is totally the biggest I've ever seen.

I mean, he could've easily cut this up and used this as his fake trailer for "Grindhouse", instead of that dull mess of "let's throw B-movie tropes at a wall and see what sticks" that was "Werewolf Women of the SS".

In case you were wondering, the only thing that I thought stuck in that was Nicholas Cage as Fu Manchu.

Now you have to watch the sequel, Devil's Rejects.

Loling my ass off Doobs. You need to be forced to watch terrible movies more often.

rae wrote:

Now you have to watch the sequel, Devil's Rejects.

This ending brought tears of joy to the little waster from Pennsyltucky that still lives on somewhere in my medulla oblongata.

Be still his greasy heart.

Quote :

Loling my ass off Doobs. You need to be forced to watch terrible movies more often.

Thanks. I'll get back to it probably tonight. I've just been wicked busy and rewatching Texas Chainsaw Massacre with Clowns is one of the last things on my to-do list.

Alright. Let's KICK THIS PIG.

One of the chief criticisms I hear leveled at Rob Zombie movies is the dialogue and characterization. Like Eli Roth, Rob Zombie has a tendency to have the plot follow characters who are, to put it mildly, completely unlikeable primordial subhumans. "C'mon, Rob," they say, "No one actually talks like that."

Well, see, the thing is.... unfortunately there are people that do. I know from experience. And yes their existence is very regrettable. If watching a Rob Zombie movie ever inspires you to go out and slaughter these vile lizardfolk wholesale, hit me up, I'll join your adventuring party. I'm only a level 1 bard but their CR can't be any more than 2. Plus, because of my "half-lizardfolk" racial template I get draconic as a bonus language and +2 on all charisma based checks used on them. I can help you all gain access into their world...

So, as a half-lizardfolk, I know there's a little part of me inside that's meant to be the target audience. His name is Teddy. Teddy, say hello to the nice people...

Teddy wrote:

whiskey and speed...

Let's meet our victims, shall we?

But first....

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This is Craig. Is that his actual name in the movie? Who knows. These guys are so uninteresting I've watched this movie twice and I still have no clue what any of their names are. He looks like a Craig, though. Acts like one, too. And by that, I mean, he probably lives on his parent's couch, is the first one at a party to slap your ass and ask "WHERE THE BITCHES AT?", and most likely has a poorly colored Hatchetman tattoo on his left hip.

The first thing we learn about him is he thinks the Manson Woman are "really hot". So yeah, total hoser.

Oh Doobie, you are too good to me.

Reepy wrote:

Oh Doobie, you are too good to me.

Dammit, Reep. I've got BIG and IMPORTANT things to write. Like quadruple amputee porn. Don't ask...

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Hey! It's Dwight Schrute.

...

....

I've never owned a fedora in my life, so I've never watched "The Office". So.... yeah. I got nothin'.

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And rounding out our quartet are Vagoo 1 and Vagoo 2. How do you tell them apart? Easy! Vagoo 1 wears a red jacket.

Well, it goes without saying that the the foursome eventually find themselves at "Captain Spaulding's Sleazebaggery Inc." These lovely young people are driving across the country, writing a book about "the crazy things you see driving across the country." So, in other words, tourist traps.

And of course as soon as they go inside, Craig starts playing around with the probably antique valuables Captain Spaulding has on display. Because he's Craig. And that's the kind of thing Craigs do.

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actual quote from the movie wrote:

Dwight: "Hey, did you see the crocodile boy?"

Craig: "How'd ya like to find that in your pants?"

Does Dwight often store various assortments of circus freaks in his pants? Is this a reference to "The Office"? I don't get it.

I want to know who did the half hearted 'scary' paintings in the last screenshot. Did they just go to an college art class 101 and steal everything?

The possibility can't be entirely dismissed.