Do you know what I like imagining? The self-insert Mary-Sue, idiocy-radiating wasterels in the fics I spork dieing in horriable ways.
Then, one night, while I was flipping through my DVDs I had an idea. An epithany.
Presenting: Unsteady Life: A Final Destination Fanfic
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]We start with...
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- Gabe's PoV
Oh, goddammit. It's one of these.
And not only that...
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- "Jacob let me go so I can read the map!" Emily yelled trying to breaking out of his grip.
"Why do you have to read the map anyways." Jacob said kissing Emily on the cheek then letting her go.
"Em where do we have to go now?" I said keeping my eyes on the road.
"Continue onto I-89 S." Emily said "Oh and turn on the radio-" Emily was cut off by Adam.
The song started playing.
"Turn it all the way up!" Adam yelled from the back of the van with his arm around Allison.
It's like the or the whole... fucking... thing.
All 6 chapters (so far)
All 10,000 words.
The
Whole
Fucking
Thing.
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- "Your so loud you know!" Allison yelled over the music.
"Not as loud as you were last night!" Adam said causing Allison's face to go red.
"EW! man" The twins yelled at the same time.
"Shut up!" Allison yelled trying to keep her voice from breaking.
The we all started laughing all but Levi.
"Come on Levi, laugh." Connor said tickling him.
AAAAArrrghhhh.
Okay.
So the fic starts off with Gabe (The Narrator), Carly (Gabe's girlfriend), Jacob and his girlfriend Emily, Adam and his partner Allison, Levi, Connor and Kyle.
Two of them are twins, but I don't know which two.
They are in a thing that has a radio and is travelling towards a hotel on the I-89 S.
I think I'm supposed to assume it's a car or a van, but I choose to picture them in a Zepplin.
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- "So where is hotel W Boston." I said looking out the window.
"Take a left here and then park in the underground parking garage." Emily said.
And at some point they entered a city, perhaps? Or maybe Hotel W Boston is just a left turn from literally any point on the I-89 S.
(I could google it and see if it is an actual place - but why the fuck should I put any more effort into this snark than the authour has into their story?)
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- "Okay me and Carly are on 8 floor room 803." I said grabbing our keys "Say your floor and room #." I added in.
"Me and Allison are on the 5th floor room 514." Adam said.
"Me and Connor are on 3rd floor room 302." Kyle said.
"I'm on floor 9 room 921." Levi said sitting on the chairs.
"Emily and me are on floor 7 room 707." Jacob said.
"Okay now we all have or rooms lets go unpack and be back here in an hour." I said as everyone nodded and walked to the elevators.
"Let us say out loud which actions we are doing, and then do them."
"Yes. Let us do this thing that ordinary people do."
"Emily and me are speaking in a way that is natural for all humans!"
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- Me and Carly walked to our room hand in hand, and we walked into the room we unpacked within 10 minuets so I turned on the T.V and Carly was taking a shower.
I got up and went to the fridge and opened it and took out the beer and smashed it into my face because the alchahol would take too long to numb the pain then I sat back down.
Hay, do you know what this writing style is
really suited to?
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- For some reason I decided to change when Carly walked out the bathroom in a pink tank top and basketball shorts and The only thing I was wearing were shorts. Its not like she's never seen me like this Before, Hell shes seen more.
"Hey." Carly said sitting on the bed looking at me, letting her wet light brown hair drip down her shoulders.
"Hey." I said back sitting next to her wiping the water off her shoulders.
"thanks." She said falling backwards on her back.
"Your welcome." I said kissing her deepening it by the second turning it into a make-out running my hands up and down her stomach,
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- But was ruined by a knock at the door.
"What." I said annoyed for them ruining a moment.
"Sorry man." Levi said.
Levi has X-Ray vision.
But with the mood well and truly broken, Carly has another idea.
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- "Lets all go swimming." Carly said getting her phone out.
"How about a shower instead?" I said "With me."
Carly gave me the most amused face ever
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- "Get dressed were going to the New England Zoo" - Kyle
Where the fuck did you come from? 0.0
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- "Get dressed I guess were going to the zoo." I said taking my shorts off to put black skinny jeans and a green polo and black supreme vans.
"I'm already dressed you know." Carly said grabbing the card key.
She was dressed in skinny jeans with flat boots and a white tank top with a knit beret.
This is the most description about anything we have had so far.
And what is coming is the most telling thing about our protagonist/narrator:
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- "Ready, lets go!" I said walking to the door but I hit my foot on the side of the door "Ow! Fuck! My Foot!" I limped to the lobby.
Our main character: Too dumb to use a door.
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- I pulled out my phone once we got in the elevator "Where's the zoo at anyways?" I texted Kyle back.
What... That was a TXT message? Did... Did I miss something?
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- I said "Please." I said begging on my knees in front of her "Come on you know you want to."
"What does that matter?" Carly said "Not right maybe later, if your good today."
"Fine." I said as I kissed her one more time before I walked to my suitcase.
"Get dressed were going to the New England Zoo" - Kyle
"Get dressed I guess were going to the zoo." I said taking my shorts off to put black skinny jeans and a green polo and black supreme vans.
Nope... I missed nothing. Not only is it enough for me to imagine zepplins, underground bunker hotels and physical actions, but I have to infer - from nothing whatsoever - stimuli, objects and physical actions.
Except clothes. We get descriptions of them.
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- About twenty seconds later the elevator shook violently.
Infering that just over twenty seconds previous,
someone entered an elevator.
This turns out to be nothing, however, and the doors open as scheduled.
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- "Okay." The doors opened just as I said that and I saw bouncing bubbly blonde walking over this way.
This character is Ashley. And I choose to beleive that she is a Chi-tzu whose sole method of transport is bouncing like a tennis ball. Also her flesh is boiling.
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- I got the meanest look from Carly I've ever seen in my life then I look over I see Levi hiding behind a bush "Whats happening!" I thought to myself.
iknowthatfeel.jpg
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- "Yeah long time no see Ashley, this is my girlfriend Carly." I said gesturing to Carly "Carly this is my cousin Ashley."
"Hi Carly." Ashley said.
"Hi Ashley." Carly said calming down a little.
Don'tget too relaxed, Carley. Cousins arn't
totally out of bounds.
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- "Oh and that's Levi, you know, in the bush...over there." I said a little ashamed.
THERE'S A BUSH!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: WE HAVE ENVIRONMENT!!
There's even a little backstory about one of them having a girlfriend who is dead, but who gives a fuck about that - let's get to the zoo and hope all the deaths start happening. Any self-respecting Final Destination Film would have a body count in double didgets by now!
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- Once we got to the zoo it was packed to the max.
Does anyone really use that phrase any more? If you do, put your hand up. Then look up at your hand. Then bring your hand down really hard on your face.
Thankyou.
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- "Let's go see the elephants." Kyle said.
"I want to see the penguins!" Ashley yelled out in excitement.
"I want to see the sudden, rediculous and over-the-top deaths!"
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- Just then a rock hit my face "OW! What the fuck!" I yelled holding my head.
Haha! Awesome!
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- But then I heard Screaming.
"Kyle lets go this way." I said.
"No I'm going this way." He said walking.
Since he wasn't going alone we all went but just as he turned the corner to the elephants then a baby elephant stampeded over Kyle Smashing him.
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- Somehow all the animals got loose and manage to attack and somehow Ashley didn't notice a thing.
And somehow, I have an idea that Ashley is a fucking idiot. Somehow.
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- Connor was running through the food court kitchen and knocked over the hot grease pan and it spilled all over him causing him to burn to death.
:D
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- Adam was running next to Allison who happen to trip and fall over into the panda bear exhibit and landed on baby panda and the mother got pissed and attacked her. Lets say she died.
Oh, fuck! Hahahaha!
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- Adam keep running after seeing that and ran into a jaguar and the the giant cat ripped his head off.
Okay - this it totally worth it!
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- Emily has asthma and had a asthma attack and died in front of Jacob and then he got mauled by a bear.
Oh fuck! Stop it! Hahaha! It hurts!
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- Ashley loses balance and falls into to ice cold water but Levi grabs her hand and pulls her up then he falls over and drowns.
What? Did she dive into the fucking Penguin pen or someting?
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- Ashley started running blindly trips over a rock and hits a kangaroo in the back and hits her with its tail and breaks her neck.
Australia: It wants to kill you.
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- Carly was running and jumps over the railing of the alligator pit and gets eaten by them.
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- I tried to save her by running up to the railing but only in time to hear her scream in agonizing pain but then I hear a growl from behind me and when I turned around I saw a white lion snarling at me
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] - Quote :
- and right as it was about to strike everything was back to normal and everyone was alive.
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- "Let's go see the elephants." Kyle said.
"I want to see the penguins!" Ashley yelled out in excitement.
"Fine" Kyle said mad.
Just then a rock hit my face
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] - Quote :
- "NO! where all going to die if we stay here any longer Please lets go." I said now on the verge of tears thinking about Carly.
*sniffsniff* her role is just so pathetic and un-thought-through... *sniff* she's just so one-dimentional, shallow and inconsequential *sniff*
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- "Your being over dramatic, calm ya nuts and lets go." But just as kyle said that then there was Screaming.
just as he turned the corner to the elephants then a baby elephant stampeded over Kyle Smashing him.
Meh, you read about one squishing-by-elephant-baby you've read them all.
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- "Now lets go!" I said grabbing Carly's hand and running out front with everyone "Come on back to the hotel!"
Once we got back to the hotel and in me and Carly's room Connor dropped to the ground crying.
"Why didn't you stop him!" Connor yelled directly at me "Why!"
"He wouldn't listen to me or anyone!" I yelled "And your next to DIE!"
And I'll leave part one there. I'm gonna definatly be continuing this one!
Tune in next time!
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