A new life begins
Not long ago I realized that my younger sister happened to be writing fanfic. And then I realized she had succumbed to almost everything a bad fic writing can do. I found this little thing, which happens to be a total sue self insert. So I got Anathema to help me do what we do best.
I'm blooferMonster, and Anathema is perfectkatekate.
- Quote :
- Nicole was on her usual morning run. However today she went half of her usual distance. She was way too excited to run her full 2 miles. Today happened to be her 11th birthday.
blooferMonster: She runs 2 miles
As all 10 year olds do
- Quote :
- Today happened to be her 11th birthday. July 14th was her favorite day of the year. She always had friends over and always got presents.
perfectkatekate Does this remind anyone else of that guy who wrote that awful lesbian porn? "She put the detergent in the laundry machiene. she put the clothes in it."
blooferMonster: And then and then and then
that is the best kind of writing
perfectkatekate:Yesss
Okay wait her friend is working
Is her friend also 11
Oh wait, 5 years older, okay got it
blooferMonster: Would have been a nice detail to add earlier
perfectkatekate: I concur
I envisioned an 11 year old working
blooferMonster: Also what time is it
Who is working at the time people take morning runs, isn't that usually really early?
Or am I dumb
perfectkatekate: no you are not
blooferMonster: ok good usually I am dumb
perfectkatekate: No way you're super smart
for an art major
<3
blooferMonster: hey
perfectkatekate: I like that her friend yelled it at her
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Tomorrow can I skype you and just scream HAPPY BIRTHDAY
blooferMonster: HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU ARE A FOOT FROM ME
yes please do
perfectkatekate: :D
- Quote :
- "Hah, thanks Christy," Nicole laughed. Christy was 5 years older than Nicole. She was Nicole's brother's girlfriend of 3 years, and Nicole had come to feel like they were sisters.
blooferMonster: How can you tell it is a self insert?
could it be
a sister named christy?
perfectkatekate: LOL
blooferMonster: how could she have ever have thought of that
- Quote :
- After a quick conversation Nicole said good-bye and made to leave the shop.
"See yah, Nicole! Tell your brother I said hi!"
blooferMonster: Maybe she just yells a lot
perfectkatekate: It's possible
She was so excited it was her birthday.
We get it
She's excited
It's her brithday
No more
Wait new theory
"Hello?" Nicole yelled, "Hello? Anyone home?"
everyone in this story is deaf
So everyone has to yell
At all times
blooferMonster: Maybe they went deaf from all the yelling
it's like
a cycle
- Quote :
- "Oh, there you are Nicole!" her mother said, rushing into the room from the family room, "Come quick! There's some really exciting news."
perfectkatekate: Everything is exciting today
blooferMonster: It's her birthday of course!
The world revolves around her
perfectkatekate: Here's what I don't get
Is she American?
blooferMonster: Um
I think so
Also letter to hogwards
a totally birthday ruiner
no one wants that on their birthday
perfectkatekate: I know, right? Damn it.
blooferMonster: How terrible. Second chapter now.
perfectkatekate: lmost two months had passed since Nicole had gotten her letter. She had been to Diagon Ally
Okay, going to Diagon Alley is like
One of the most exciting things one can do
Why in the world would you not talk about that
blooferMonster: Psh it must have been super boring
Like getting introduced to the wizarding world for the first time?
Boring
perfectkatekate: yeah, seriously. Who cares about that?
I'd much rather read about some girl whose name i've already forgotten yelling happy birthday
blooferMonster: Yes that is interesting.
I guess the parents knew about magic...?
perfectkatekate: They must, if they're so chill about everything.
He was not the sort to keep embarrassing facts concealed, but liked to tell them to the world.
Because, y'know, knowing that your sister could grow up knowing kick-ass magic is super embarrassing.
blooferMonster: What would the neighbors think?!
- Quote :
- "Just forget it mum;" Nicole said softly, "I can deal with his jealousy."
"Jealousy?" Ken said shocked, "Why in hell would I be jealous of a freak of nature? It's like me being jealous of the dork you friends with.
blooferMonster: The dork you friends with
perfectkatekate: >mum
At least they are british!
blooferMonster: ah ok
perfectkatekate: Also that semi-colon is so out of place
blooferMonster: It's so sad
out of place
perfectkatekate: I'm going to adopt it and name it Kanaya.
blooferMonster: It will never be loved
- Quote :
- "Will you stop making fun of Peter?" Nicole yelled, "Mum can't you do something about him?"
blooferMonster: Who is peter
perfectkatekate: Peter and the wolf
Obviously
blooferMonster: That is her best friend
and he is a book
perfectkatekate: That's kind of sad.
But I'm not gonna lie totally me as a kid
blooferMonster: like the ;
Yeah I'm still friends with books
perfectkatekate: ngl Orgo for Dummies and I have been hanging out a lot this semester
I'd even say it's my best friend
perfectkatekate:...I didn't get a sexual innuendo
Kristin
I
didn't get a sexual innuendo
blooferMonster: Where
- Quote :
- "Now it's really simple but a little unnerving the first time," he said smoothly.
"Like something else we all know well," Ken added under his breath. The boy smirked at him and raised his eyebrows.
Also may I just say
perfectkatekate: That shit was not simple the first time
Nor was it unnerving, actually
Just kinda painful
And silly
blooferMonster: Welp I am totally the person to talk to about that
perfectkatekate: lmaoooo okay true
Moving on
I can't tell who is who
Mike, I thought, was the boy with the dark brown almost black hair
But apparently his hair is blond-almost red
blooferMonster: Duh, magic
perfectkatekate: "My little weird ass sister."
"My little weird ass-sister."
That's why punctuation is important, kids.
blooferMonster: XKCD made you do that
perfectkatekate: ssssssh
- Quote :
- "Who's that, James?" a tall, dark boy with dreadlocks called to him, "New girlfriend of the week?"
"Fuck you, Lee." James called back. Nicole giggled.
blooferMonster: Are we really 11?
Shouldn't they be like
cooties and stuff?
perfectkatekate: seriously!
I didn't know any 11-year-olds who used fuck. Once they hit 13 and 14, oh yeah, but at 11?
nope
Kids these days goddamn
blooferMonster: Potty mouth!
You said a bad woooord
I'm gonna tell!
perfectkatekate: Yup. duude.
He was staring foreword, off into space.
>foreword
blooferMonster: he was writing a book?
staring at a foreward of a book?
staring contest?
perfectkatekate: hey man the foreward is the hardest part to write
blooferMonster: ok wait who is she with
perfectkatekate: Mike
I think
blooferMonster: suddenly james?
and then
perfectkatekate:
Is that his name?
blooferMonster: mike was on the tain already?
ok wait no
the boy was james
he was with mike
james led her through the platform
then met up with mike
it's just confusing because no one is named for a while
perfectkatekate: I agree this should not be this hard goddamn
blooferMonster: Man ok let's just keep going
perfectkatekate: She felt relieved to here him say it.
>here
"Get you ass out of here."
>you
We've hit the forrest of typos
blooferMonster: Look out for the lonely ;
she hangs out in that forest
perfectkatekate: My poor bb.
oh god again
- Quote :
- Mike said so quietly that Nicole could barely here him
Just when I thought we were okay
blooferMonster: We're not out of the forest yet
perfectkatekate: Okay so I'm confused. There's a James and a Malfoy. When is this set?
blooferMonster: Um, the first year I think
perfectkatekate: Noo I mean in-universe
Whose first year?
blooferMonster: harry's
perfectkatekate: oh okay
blooferMonster: The main cast is sir not appearing in this fic
except malfoy
perfectkatekate: Oh god
Sue/Malfoy ahead, I feel
blooferMonster: It is
perfectkatekate: Okay the whole mudblood thing was directly lifted from the books
That's cool
Errybody does it when they first start out I guess
blooferMonster: Yeah, I suppose
So obviously she condensed the whole sorting into like a sentence
because that's not interesting at all
and then suddenly
- Quote :
- That was 4 years ago.
perfectkatekate: DUN DUN DUN
blooferMonster: BAM
Now we are in the future
We'll probably continue after Anathema reads the rest of this. Like she says, it just keeps getting better. And better and better. Seriously there are 22 chapters. I think that Harry appears once, and maybe someone does magic once because oh right this is Hogwart. Better add some magic or you might forget. I certainly would have.
TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR SOME MORE TERRIBLY FORMATTED WONDER.
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