The Play's The Thing

Let me preface this by saying that this was written in 2000/2001, after Goblet and before Phoenix. So there may be some contradictions with the HP canon as we know it, but it doesn't take away from the enjoyment of the fic--which is, when all is said and done, a kind of MSTing.

Gilderoy Lockhart, still without much of his past memory (Hermione speculates Dumbledore's given him the job to help him remember) but with a considerable amount of directorial talent, is directing the school play at Hogwarts: Shakespeare's Othello. Dean Thomas is Othello, Ginny is Desdemona, Harry is Cassio and it should come as no surprise that Draco Malfoy is Iago. (Matter of fact, I'd LOVE to see Tom Felton as Iago.)

The play goes through its first rehearsal, act by act, with no small amount of mangling and snarky comments from the actors offstage.

Neville is so stricken by stage fright that he rushes through most of his lines at bullet-train speed. Colin Creevey is too dumb to realize it's only a play. And Crabbe and Goyle attempting Shakespearean language...well.

(Oh, and for some reason the Luggage from Discworld is accompanying Lockhart, but somehow it still works in context.)

Some examples:

Quote :

HERMIONE: [offstage whisper] Hey, he's not bad, is he?

HARRY: I don't think he knows what he's saying.

HERMIONE: I wasn't talking about Ron...

RON: I heard that! I do SO know what I'm saying... Ummm... oh, here...
By heaven, I rather would have been his hangman. There! I just said I'd
rather kill him. So there.

LOCKHART: Keep to the script, Mr. Weasley, thanks ever so. Extemporaneous
lines and adlibbing are grounds for execution.

NEVILLE: [sounding worried] Really?

LOCKHART: No, not really. But will you know the difference if I'm lying?

[HARRY and HERMIONE give each other confused looks]

HARRY: He... seems a little different, doesn't he?

[Hermione just nods]

Quote :

LOCKHART: [offstage] I give up. Open season, everyone who's not on stage.
Feel free to speak your mind, seein as everyone else is.

HERMIONE: It's only the first run-through, Prof... sir. We'll get better.

LOCKHART: Confident, aren't you, Miss Granger? [smiles]

[Harry and Ron make gagging faces, Hermione blushes]

HERMIONE: I try to be.

Quote :

GOYLE: [face buried in script] This cannot be,
By no assay of reason: 'tis a... payje-ant,
To keep us in false gaze. When we consider
The... importancy of Kiprez to the Turk,
And let ourselves again but... unnerstand,
That as it more concerns the Turk than... roads?
So may he with more... fackle question bear it,
For that it stands not in such... warlike brace,
But... altogether lacks the... apples?
That Roads is dressed in: if we make... thought of this,
We must not think the Turk is so... unskilful
To leave that latest which... concerns him first...
Neglecting an attempt of ease and gain,
To wake and wage a... danger profit... less.

Quote :

DRACO: Come, you are too severe a moraler: as the time,
the place, and the condition of this country
stands, I could heartily wish this had not befallen;
but, since it is as it is, mend it for your own good.

RON: [theatrically] The world will now end... Draco Malfoy is lecturing
someone on morality.

Quote :

DRACO: Come, come, good wine is a good familiar creature,
if it be well used: exclaim no more against it.
And, good lieutenant... I think you think I love you.

[laughter from backstage]

RON: [desperately] Hermione? Tell me that was in the script. Hermione?
Please?

HERMIONE: Honestly, Ron. Of course it was.

Right after Goyle has mangled a scene:

Quote :

HARRY: In happy time, Iago. [in an undertone] How do you put up with them?

DRACO: [undertone] Practice. [louder] You have not been a-bed, then?

Quote :

DRACO: What,
To kiss in private?

SEAMUS: [offstage, knowingly, to GINNY] That's the only way. McGonagall'd
stick us in detention for a week for doing it in public.

DEAN: An unauthorized kiss.

DRACO: Or to be naked with her friend in bed
An hour or more, not meaning any harm?

SEAMUS: That would be a waste of a perfectly good hour is what it would be.

Quote :

[DEAN looks at his script, then shrugs and sits on the ground crosslegged and
shuts his eyes.]

DEAN: Ommmmm...

LOCKHART: Mr. Thomas, what exactly are you doing? In no instance does this
script call for transcendental meditation.

DEAN: I'm in a trance.

HERMIONE: Dean, that means an epileptic fit.

DEAN: Oh. [He immediately collapses over onto his side and starts flopping
around like a landed fish]

Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy the whole thing. [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

... Except that your title is from Hamlet.

But cool.

/snob

But the title is the fic title.


e: It's got The Luggage in it. <3

Might be a misunderstanding here...I didn't write it. Though I wish I had. (And if there's anyone who'd love to combine Shakespeare and Harry Potter, it'd be me.)

I don't know why the author picked a Hamlet line as the title, either. Words, words, words.