Zombieland Sue Double-Feature!

Let's face an undeniable truth: Zombieland is an awesome movie. It's got everything: action, zombies, humor, violence, zombies, lovable characters, zombies, and an amazing and short-lived cameo (if you haven't seen it, I won't spoil it... yes I will) of Bill Murray.

But if anything, its only true flaw is the potential for Mary-Sues. And I bring to the table two such tales of Sues that couldn't go ignored.

So lock 'n' load, get a box of twinkies on hand, and prepare to write down some rules! We've got New Kid and Just Be Fearless to get through.

First one, New Kid:

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The 4 found her walking in the middle of the road. She had a M16 slung over her shoulder with a small bag, and a pistol tucked in the waiste of her paints.

Rule # 27: Tucking a pistol in your paints isn't as good an idea as you think.

Also, where'd she get the M16?

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She heard them coming from a mile away and waited for them her gun loaded.

She either has really good hearing, or Tallahassee picked a car without a muffler.

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"Calm down kid not gonna shoot ya. Who are you? No names just were you are going," Tallahassee told her.

Columbus: "You mean, "where are you going?'"
Tallahassee: "I could turn this gun on you at any time."
Columbus: [Backing away] "Just... saying...."

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"Atlanta," she said lowering her gun. Little Rock smiled. This girl looked around her age.

Around the same age as Little Rock... with an M-16. Yeah, that's believable.

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"You can travel with us if you want. Please come with us," Little Rock told her and Tallahassee glared at her.

Yes, upset the hormonal balance, why don't you?

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"No I'm doing fine but thanks for asking," Atlanta stated. She nodded then turned around and began walking again.

She doesn't want to join. This fic is over!

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"Wait! Survivors are suposed to stick together come on! Come with us!" Little Rock ran infront of her.

Oh come on! Rule #19: Never assume it to be over so soon.

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"Look I am better off alone sorry,"

"No your not! With us you can sleep without worrying, we have a car, and food!" Wichita said walking to stand next to her sister.

"I'd still rather not..."
"We have a Justin Bieber CD."
"SOLD!"

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"And kid your pretty small so you need protection," Columbus added. Atlanta glared.

"You calling me short?" She said glaring up at him.

Well yeah. It's kind of hard to fathom how you can fire an M-16 without falling backwards.

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"Allright fine," She gave in and got in the car. Little Rock attacked her with questions.

"So how old are you?"

"13,"

And you have an M-16 how?
I'm sorry, I can't let this go. There are so many other weapons she could have picked, but out of all of them an M-16?! A 13-year-old with an M-16 isn't all that realistic.

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"Coooool! Me to! Have you gone through...you know?"

"No I don't know," She said.

"You know thing thing...that happens when you get older..." Little Rock said akwardly. Atlanta laughed.

"You mean puberty! Yep," She laughed again seeing how uncomfortable Little Rock looked.

This is a certainly pointless conversation, not to mention awkward, and supplies TMI, which brings me to Rule #19: TMI is not sharable.

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There were a few zombies Atlanta killed one by kicking it in its side then smashing its head with the butt of her gun.

She kicked them with her UBAR-SUE SKILLZ!

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"Not bad for a short kid," Tallahassee told her before killing the last zombie. She rolled her eyes.

"Im not short! Im 5 3!" She defended. Tallahassee just laughed at her.

You sure you're not 4'15"? Because that's kind of short.

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They heard glass breaking and shelves were being knocked over. "I think he relized theres no twinkies," In the next few minutes the store was completly destroyed and they were driving again.

Tallahassee: "Before any of you ask, those shelves were falling over on their own. I don't know what was up with that."

So we cut later on to the five finding a place to sleep for the night, which leads to an info dump text-wall.

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"Naw its ok. I lost everyone obviously. But I wasn't really close with any of them. Maybe my brother a little. But I never really liked anyone and I hated them all. But when I heard this apocalypse was happening my mom tryed to keep us all together but my little sister got bit and no one would kill her and no one would let me. So she changed and attacked my family I heard all the screams and went to were they all were. She was eating and attacking them so I shot her and just left. Nothing you can do though. You just have to worry about your own survival and thats what I did. I went to find my dad even though I hated him, he had alot of guns and shit so I thought he would be alive but I had to kill him he was a zombie. I took some guns and just have been running ever since," She told them. She was completly fine not tearing up or anything. Wichita was amazed but she patted her shoulder anyway.

I count 10, if not more, things wrong with that text wall alone, all of which pointing to Sueicus vigilacae vagrantus Or Wandering!Loner!Sue.

But we get yet ANOTHER text wall!

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"What just cause im 13 means I have to act 13. We are in a fucking zombieland it makes you grow up. You don't have time for all that kid shit like Hannah Montana. I mean I never acted my own age though. My mom said I needed to act like a kid. But my dad said I just needed to grow the fuck up. I hated them. I was a fucked up kid even though i was 12," She laughed and shook her head. "Aww man its funny how bad I pissed them off though," She smiled and looked at Wichita. Wichita laughed.

Awww, this Sue is so cute having a little tough-girl attitude!

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"Your a pretty bad ass kid. I mean you like the best music, you can fight, and your just awesome!" Wichita said punching her in the arm.

Rule #9: Never encourage the Sue.

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"Your like a mini Wichita!" Little Rock and Atlanta laughed and Wichita just rolled her eyes. "I like Hannah Montana!" She added relizing she said something about her. Wichita and Atlanta laughed at her. They were all silent for a few minutes. Atlanta got bored and grabbed her ipod out of her bag and hit shuffle.

Only for the battery to die, saving Columbus, Tallahassee and Wichita a night of tone-deaf prepubescent screeching.


But what does this Mary-Sue listen to, you ask?

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"Whatchya listing to?" She asked. Atlanta rolled her eyes and handed her one of the head phones.

"We are the In Crowd," They sat and listened to different songs. They listened to paramore, flyleaf, tegan and sara, lights, and alot more.

At least there isn't anything bad with those groups, not that I listen to any of 'em.

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She fell onto the bed and before she feel asleep for the first time since zombies took over the world she felt safe and for the first time ever she felt like she might actually be part of a family of some sorts.

And there ends the first chapter of a crappy prepubescent Sue with an M-16. Join me next time as I review the other story I found, Just be Fearless!

Well, New Kid is done with, on to Just be Fearless!

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Hey this is Ninja of PotterZombie here telling you that, here's the story! I do not own anyone from Zombieland, Beiber boy (who is Justin Beiber), Rush, The Office, or Starbucks, and never will. So I hope you enjoy! Please Review!

Disclaimer alone and I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought. What did Rush ever do to be added?

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In my opinion, this whole zombie apocalypse thing that made me the last person on this planet is all the stupid guy working at the cow factory (what the heck am I supposed to call it?)

...

I know whether to or at that. That alone is just hilarious.
Continue rambling, pitiful Suethor!

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who happened to kill the cow with mad cow disease and made it in to a burger's fault. See if he hadn't killed that cow no one would be a freaking zombie.

Yes, blame all of us carnivores for stuffing delicious tainted cow-death in our faces.

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Well I guess it does not matter now, after all for all I know I am the last human left on this planet and have no one to complain to. This has its pros and cons of being the last one

You can finally let go of that gut you've been holding in and not be ashamed of going commando.

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Pros: -I don't have to pay for nothing

-Don't have to deal with school or dumb people

-I don't have to deal with people nagging me not to fart, because personally, I like the way they smell… DEAL WITH IT.

-Zombie killing is a sport to me, and sense I'm the last one, no one can be better than me.

-No school!

-No more Beiber boy

-My psycho abusive parents are no longer around

You don't have to wait in line for a porta-potty at the county fair anymore. Just sayin'.

But what about the Cons, Sue-thor?

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Cons: -Crazy (smelly) dead cannibal zombie freaks only care about ripping your jugulars out and eating your guts.

- Rush, will never make another CD. I cry on the inside about this.

Don't feel bad. I'm sure Clockwork Angels was going to bomb anyway.

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-No movies!

-Dimitri is dead

How's that a bad thing?

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-Clearly The Office is now canceled for good

Ricky Gervais you will be missed!

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-I am always worried about if I run out of ammo or loose my gun

That's why it's wise to have a melee weapon in case!

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-Most food is expired

Only the stuff without preservatives.

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-I miss Starbucks

I don't.

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So that is about it, and as you can see the cons defiantly outnumber the pros. This for the most part makes the United States of Zombieland a living horror move.

I've never heard of a horror move. Is that when the moving company dresses up and attempts you scare the shit out of you during the moving process?

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That is how I learned to survive. You see, when zombies take over you have to be tough and live by my unofficial set of rules,

Rule #1, and this is the biggie, here: Never indulge the Mary-Sue, no matter how she tempts you.

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what I call the rules of Cassandra Raven Williams, which is my name…

Which we don't care for.

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Have a fair amount of common sense.

I think you might be breaking your own rule, Suethor.

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NEVER eat a cheeseburger or beef, no matter what the circumstances.

Don't tell me I can't nom on delicious cow-death! You're not my mother!

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Zombies have keener senses than humans, believe it or not, so they can smell when you are dumping, so be aware.

Rule #19!

And of course, we get a text-wall about how She's totally hardcore and cold...

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So that is how I learned to survive here. When it comes to survival without people you soon become cold, not heartless, but you start to loose what keeps you sane. That is what happened to me. I started to loose my sense of humor, quick wittiness, love, any feelings that made me human. I did not know if this was being desolately alone, or loosing anything I had to them, but I guess it did not matter too much. After all there zombies, they become your enemy quite easily and you soon learn to hate and loose all sense of mercy to them whatsoever. You need to get over the fact that they are not human any more, but just a shell of a person that wants to eat you. The sooner you realize that the better.

I can't even make fun of that, it's just sad.

And that's just the prologue. I dare not wade in farther than I should.

TheIan wrote:

Also, where'd she get the M16?

It's the zombie apocalypse. It's not like the military's around to hang on to them, for whatever reason.

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She heard them coming from a mile away and waited for them her gun loaded.

She either has really good hearing, or Tallahassee picked a car without a muffler.

Tallahassee also likes to run over things, so it's entirely possible. :p

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Around the same age as Little Rock... with an M-16. Yeah, that's believable.

Again, it's the apocalypse. I fail to see how this is such a problem, especially since in the actual movie itself, they find a redneck's stash including really rare, heavily-regulated shit like an MP-7.

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"No I'm doing fine but thanks for asking," Atlanta stated. She nodded then turned around and began walking again.

She doesn't want to join. This fic is over!

If only.

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Well yeah. It's kind of hard to fathom how you can fire an M-16 without falling backwards.

And you have an M-16 how?
I'm sorry, I can't let this go. There are so many other weapons she could have picked, but out of all of them an M-16?! A 13-year-old with an M-16 isn't all that realistic.

All right, you're just gonna hafta let this one go. The fic is plenty awful on its own, but:

1.) Child soldiers younger and and more malnourished are typically given weapons that kick a lot harder than the M-16, like AK-47s. You can even find a few FALs out there. That's not to say that they're nearly as effective as adults, but they generally don't go around getting knocked flat on their ass by their weapons.

2.) Girls and AR-15s are not mutually exclusive. The AR-15 is essentially a semi-auto only M16, and... Oh hey, here's an 11-year-old field stripping and reassembling one.

3.) The recoil of the M16 is a joke. The round it fires combined with the way recoil is absorbed by the buffer and transferred neatly to the shoulder of the shooter makes it much more controllable than many other weapons. Here is a 6-year-old shooting an AR-15.

4.) It's the zombie apocalypse. I know the movie, and most zombie apocalypse settings, deal with the problem of a modern military rendering any zombie uprising completely laughable by simply making them cease to exist, but... if the zombie apocalypse killed the military, it's not like the zombies destroyed their guns and ammo, too.

Penguin wrote:

All right, you're just gonna hafta let this one go. The fic is plenty awful on its own, but:

1.) Child soldiers younger and and more malnourished are typically given weapons that kick a lot harder than the M-16, like AK-47s. You can even find a few FALs out there. That's not to say that they're nearly as effective as adults, but they generally don't go around getting knocked flat on their ass by their weapons.

2.) Girls and AR-15s are not mutually exclusive. The AR-15 is essentially a semi-auto only M16, and... Oh hey, here's an 11-year-old field stripping and reassembling one.

3.) The recoil of the M16 is a joke. The round it fires combined with the way recoil is absorbed by the buffer and transferred neatly to the shoulder of the shooter makes it much more controllable than many other weapons. Here is a 6-year-old shooting an AR-15.

4.) It's the zombie apocalypse. I know the movie, and most zombie apocalypse settings, deal with the problem of a modern military rendering any zombie uprising completely laughable by simply making them cease to exist, but... if the zombie apocalypse killed the military, it's not like the zombies destroyed their guns and ammo, too.

Touché. Still, though, it seemed Sueish to go around with an M16. I mean, hell, if I was surviving the ZA, I'd work my way to finding suitable firearms. I can't assume there's going to be a pile of weapons in every city I wander through.

Given the setting, I don't think so. Zombieland, despite all its Rules preaching, is really unrealistic about survival. Again, redneck car with MP-7.

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But we get yet ANOTHER text wall!

Funny, that's just what I thought when I saw this was another unfunny MST.

Cyberwulf wrote:

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But we get yet ANOTHER text wall!

Funny, that's just what I thought when I saw this was another unfunny MST.

Stop harshin' my mellow, betch!

Ugh, TheIan, stop contributing.

TheIan wrote:

Stop harshin' my mellow, betch!

EileenK98 wrote:

Let the rape wank begin.

Ian, I think the problem is that you've got a relatively tame set of fics here with extremely stale jokes, so this just comes across as a quote-happy version of Cyberwulf's "This fic is bad, go look at how bad it is" summary threads combined with Chris91's +1 postcount style of "humor" and overreaction to the mundane. Let's take a look here and I'll see if I can help you. I'll skip most of your unabashedly cheesy intro.

TheIan wrote:

But if anything, its only true flaw is the potential for Mary-Sues.

Every piece of fiction has the potential for Mary Sues.

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So lock 'n' load, get a box of twinkies on hand, and prepare to write down some rules!

This would be funny if you used the Rule gag more effectively and more often. For example:

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The 4 found her walking in the middle of the road. She had a M16 slung over her shoulder with a small bag, and a pistol tucked in the waiste of her paints.

Rule # 27: Tucking a pistol in your paints isn't as good an idea as you think.

How is this a rule? "Rule" is not synonymous with "Hint," "tip," or even "protip." Even if it was, this is too wordy ("as you think"?) and misses a typo joke opportunity. It's just stating the obvious. If you wanted to go that route:

OBVIOUS

Rule #27: Never tuck a pistol in your pants.

TYPO JOKE

Sticking your gun in paints will only gum up the action.

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She either has really good hearing, or Tallahassee picked a car without a muffler.

Um. Okay. Or she's in the middle of nowhere in a world with very few running cars or really any people-created noise, allowing the distinct noise of a car to travel for miles.

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Columbus: "You mean, "where are you going?'"
Tallahassee: "I could turn this gun on you at any time."
Columbus: [Backing away] "Just... saying...."

You pass up a good typo opportunity earlier and pounce on this minor grammatical error by... making it this completely inexplicable bit of dialog. Is this your idea of a joke? That someone might actually pronounce it "Were are you going" and that the token geek would then attempt to correct this verbal typo?

Does it occur to you now how un-funny this is?

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Around the same age as Little Rock... with an M-16. Yeah, that's believable.

If you are going to snark/take cracks at/repeatedly bitch about something, it should be about something that shows up repeatedly. Never use the rolleyes smiley in snark, it is a douche emoticon for use when you want to be a douche to someone you're talking to. It is the antithesis of funny; it is annoying.

And it should be something pretty awful, not a minor complaint like this.

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Yes, upset the hormonal balance, why don't you?

Yes, because the dude who'd been duped and robbed by a pair of teenage girls in the past would be welcoming if it weren't for that. Try harder.

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"Wait! Survivors are suposed to stick together come on! Come with us!" Little Rock ran infront of her.

Oh come on! Rule #19: Never assume it to be over so soon.

Brevity is the soul of wit. This is essentially a wordy and awkward version of "Double tap."

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This is a certainly pointless conversation, not to mention awkward, and supplies TMI, which brings me to Rule #19: TMI is not sharable.

More like "TMI is inevitable."

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She kicked them with her UBAR-SUE SKILLZ!

So far this is the only Sue-ish thing she's done, simply because an M16 is a lightweight rifle and it would take the full force of an adult swing to actually inflict brain damage with a butt smash.

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You sure you're not 4'15"? Because that's kind of short.

The fuck are you talking about?

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They heard glass breaking and shelves were being knocked over. "I think he relized theres no twinkies," In the next few minutes the store was completly destroyed and they were driving again.

Tallahassee: "Before any of you ask, those shelves were falling over on their own. I don't know what was up with that."

Why. Would Tallahassee, our resident Don't Give a Fuck About Nothin' redneck, say something like that?

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I count 10, if not more, things wrong with that text wall alone, all of which pointing to Sueicus vigilacae vagrantus Or Wandering!Loner!Sue.

Okay. So. Why should I care? Is this supposed to be funny? Because the only thing you've done besides the M16 complaints is just point and scream "SUE! SUUUUUUE!" In this case it seems the author's only crime is compressing every tragic loner backstory ever (especially in the zombie apocalypse) into a run-on sentence or three.

That's cliche, but not necessarily Sue.

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Awww, this Sue is so cute having a little tough-girl attitude!

This is the point where it becomes actually Sue-ish but you've squandered it by screaming "SUUUUUE!" from the start.

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"Your a pretty bad ass kid. I mean you like the best music, you can fight, and your just awesome!" Wichita said punching her in the arm.

Rule #9: Never encourage the Sue.

The encouragement makes a Sue. Little gun-toting girl shows up, tells her twagic past she doesn't give a shit about, and is then admired by all. THAT is a Sue trait right there. The problem is, again, you've spent so much time freaking about the character being a Sue that now the observation has no impact.

At least your Rule 9 is a rule, however boring it is.

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Only for the battery to die, saving Columbus, Tallahassee and Wichita a night of tone-deaf prepubescent screeching.

Are you familiar with the operation of iPods and iPod-like devices?

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At least there isn't anything bad with those groups, not that I listen to any of 'em.

...WELL THANK YOU FOR THIS UPDATE ON YOUR MUSICAL TASTES I AM GLAD THAT PARAMORE MEETS YOUR APPROVAL

You couldn't even go after the fact that this kid is listening to... well, pretty much all the music aimed at her demographic? You just had to... make this milquetoast comment about how the music meets your approval, but it's not for you? Well thank you for wasting everyone's time!

Seriously, you couldn't point out that all of this would result in at least colorfully violent commentary from Tallahassee's stereotypically country ass?

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And there ends the first chapter of a crappy prepubescent Sue with an M-16. Join me next time as I review the other story I found, Just be Fearless!

Oh don't worry, I'll be working that one over, too.

Penguin wrote:

Ian, I think the problem is that you've got a relatively tame set of fics here with extremely stale jokes, so this just comes across as a quote-happy version of Cyberwulf's "This fic is bad, go look at how bad it is" summary threads combined with Chris91's +1 postcount style of "humor" and overreaction to the mundane. Let's take a look here and I'll see if I can help you. I'll skip most of your unabashedly cheesy intro.

TheIan wrote:

But if anything, its only true flaw is the potential for Mary-Sues.

Every piece of fiction has the potential for Mary Sues.

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So lock 'n' load, get a box of twinkies on hand, and prepare to write down some rules!

This would be funny if you used the Rule gag more effectively and more often. For example:

Quote :

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The 4 found her walking in the middle of the road. She had a M16 slung over her shoulder with a small bag, and a pistol tucked in the waiste of her paints.

Rule # 27: Tucking a pistol in your paints isn't as good an idea as you think.

How is this a rule? "Rule" is not synonymous with "Hint," "tip," or even "protip." Even if it was, this is too wordy ("as you think"?) and misses a typo joke opportunity. It's just stating the obvious. If you wanted to go that route:

OBVIOUS

Rule #27: Never tuck a pistol in your pants.

TYPO JOKE

Sticking your gun in paints will only gum up the action.

Originally, I tried to come up with a joke along those lines, couldn't think of one that wasn't too wordy.

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She either has really good hearing, or Tallahassee picked a car without a muffler.

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Um. Okay. Or she's in the middle of nowhere in a world with very few running cars or really any people-created noise, allowing the distinct noise of a car to travel for miles.

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Columbus: "You mean, "where are you going?'"
Tallahassee: "I could turn this gun on you at any time."
Columbus: [Backing away] "Just... saying...."

You pass up a good typo opportunity earlier and pounce on this minor grammatical error by... making it this completely inexplicable bit of dialog. Is this your idea of a joke?

My sense of humor, if you can't tell already, obviously varies from other's standards. Not a valid excuse, I understand this, but when I see an opportunity for what I see as a good joke, I take it.

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That someone might actually pronounce it "Were are you going" and that the token geek would then attempt to correct this verbal typo?

Does it occur to you now how un-funny this is?

Admittedly, I do.

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Around the same age as Little Rock... with an M-16. Yeah, that's believable.

If you are going to snark/take cracks at/repeatedly bitch about something, it should be about something that shows up repeatedly. Never use the rolleyes smiley in snark, it is a douche emoticon for use when you want to be a douche to someone you're talking to. It is the antithesis of funny; it is annoying.

I don't recall reading anything in the WGW Handbook about the proper use of smilies and what's admitted in snark and against another poster.

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And it should be something pretty awful, not a minor complaint like this.

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Yes, upset the hormonal balance, why don't you?

Yes, because the dude who'd been duped and robbed by a pair of teenage girls in the past would be welcoming if it weren't for that. Try harder.

That was sarcasm.

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"Wait! Survivors are suposed to stick together come on! Come with us!" Little Rock ran infront of her.

Oh come on! Rule #19: Never assume it to be over so soon.

Brevity is the soul of wit. This is essentially a wordy and awkward version of "Double tap."

Touché.

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This is a certainly pointless conversation, not to mention awkward, and supplies TMI, which brings me to Rule #19: TMI is not sharable.

More like "TMI is inevitable."

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I count 10, if not more, things wrong with that text wall alone, all of which pointing to Sueicus vigilacae vagrantus Or Wandering!Loner!Sue.

Okay. So. Why should I care? Is this supposed to be funny? Because the only thing you've done besides the M16 complaints is just point and scream "SUE! SUUUUUUE!" In this case it seems the author's only crime is compressing every tragic loner backstory ever (especially in the zombie apocalypse) into a run-on sentence or three.

That's cliche, but not necessarily Sue.

OK, good point.

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"Your a pretty bad ass kid. I mean you like the best music, you can fight, and your just awesome!" Wichita said punching her in the arm.

Rule #9: Never encourage the Sue.

The encouragement makes a Sue. Little gun-toting girl shows up, tells her twagic past she doesn't give a shit about, and is then admired by all. THAT is a Sue trait right there. The problem is, again, you've spent so much time freaking about the character being a Sue that now the observation has no impact.

At least your Rule 9 is a rule, however boring it is.

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Only for the battery to die, saving Columbus, Tallahassee and Wichita a night of tone-deaf prepubescent screeching.

Are you familiar with the operation of iPods and iPod-like devices?

Not entirely. I know the iPod runs on an internal power supply charged via USB cable connected to computer and/or laptop.

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Seriously, you couldn't point out that all of this would result in at least colorfully violent commentary from Tallahassee's stereotypically country ass?

The thought never occurred to me as a joke.

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And there ends the first chapter of a crappy prepubescent Sue with an M-16. Join me next time as I review the other story I found, Just be Fearless!

Oh don't worry, I'll be working that one over, too.

Bottom line: I don't see jokes the same way as other people. I look at the line, think what I deem to be funny, and go with it. And yeah, I don't take the time to sit there looking for jokes to make. That's just how I am.

TheIan wrote:

And yeah, I don't take the time to sit there looking for jokes to make. That's just how I am.

When you're posting something whose success hinges on people finding it funny, taking time to think up good jokes might be a good idea.

Just sayin'.

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I don't take the time to sit there looking for jokes to make.

I wish we had a Kif smilie.

TheIan wrote:

Bottom line: I don't see jokes the same way as other people. I look at the line, think what I deem to be funny, and go with it. And yeah, I don't take the time to sit there looking for jokes to make. That's just how I am.

You should reconsider your patience. I highly doubt that some of the best snarked material here was thought up on the spot. It would likely be beneficial if you saved the story somewhere and took your time with it since it's hard (at least for me) to think up a lot of good material all at once.

Yeah, I'm not going to be harsh or nothing, because I don't think I'm that particularly funny either, but... yeah, definitely take notes as you're reading a fic. I do all the time, especially when jokes 'pop' out at me. I think the main problem here is that... most of these stories you've been snarking haven't been that bad. Yeah, yeah, sort of cliched and whatnot. I was called out on that too, I think by Cy. I did defend my POV because it was SUCH a character rape it wasn't even funny (Rorschach wanting to raise Dan and Laurie's kids with them and living in a house, having a three way. NO.), but the story itself wasn't written that badly.

Look for ridiculous plots rather than self-inserts/Mary Sues. Unless it's of the naked druid kind, because Rose Potter made me WTF a lot. Songfics are also good to snark. I'm still a little in shellshock from reading a "Jay and Silent Bob/They Might Be Giants" songfic from ages ago. Mary Sues though, are a dime a dozen. It's rather odd the different standards we have here, but what you really want to look for is something that's going to be horrible even if a person who doesn't know the fandom reads it.

Pending on the writer's age, I want to say that they picked an M16 at random for their character to carry. I'm pretty much gun illiterate, but I've heard of M16s, at least. If I was young and wanted to sound like I knew what I was talking about with guns, and I really knew jackshit about them, I'd probably have used the same gun in the story.

So, I can understand not liking the idea of a thirteen-year-old with an M16, if it's only to make the character seem more badass without knowing a thing about guns. But, it is Zombieland, so it's not that unrealistic. Just as long as there was some research or something put into the gun.

Dr. Quinzel wrote:

TheIan wrote:

Bottom line: I don't see jokes the same way as other people. I look at the line, think what I deem to be funny, and go with it. And yeah, I don't take the time to sit there looking for jokes to make. That's just how I am.

You should reconsider your patience. I highly doubt that some of the best snarked material here was thought up on the spot. It would likely be beneficial if you saved the story somewhere and took your time with it since it's hard (at least for me) to think up a lot of good material all at once.

I've found that most people either need to think more or think less.

Ian needs to slow down to think more, so that he can come up with something that actually works.
Randall of XKCD fame needs to think less, because for the last year all his strips have been largely overthought to the point where they lack a punch line.

TheIan wrote:

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Hey this is Ninja of PotterZombie here telling you that, here's the story! I do not own anyone from Zombieland, Beiber boy (who is Justin Beiber), Rush, The Office, or Starbucks, and never will. So I hope you enjoy! Please Review!

Disclaimer alone and I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought. What did Rush ever do to be added?

You are terrified because the disclaimer included Rush? How about the fact that the author introduces themselves as "Ninja of PotterZombie"?

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...

I know whether to or at that. That alone is just hilarious.
Continue rambling, pitiful Suethor!

Well, you need to make up your mind, because all you're posting here is "lol idk wtf"

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Yes, blame all of us carnivores for stuffing delicious tainted cow-death in our faces.

Except he's not. He's blaming someone who improperly slaughtered a cow.

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You can finally let go of that gut you've been holding in and not be ashamed of going commando.

Are you going to keep restating what the author is saying?

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You don't have to wait in line for a porta-potty at the county fair anymore. Just sayin'.

What the fuck are you on about? Seriously, what the fuck. I mean, you have a dude saying he gets to smell his own farts now without shame and you throw some completely irrelevant bullshit in as a response? Are you fucking high?

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-No movies!

-Dimitri is dead

How's that a bad thing?

Who the fuck is Dimitri?

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-Clearly The Office is now canceled for good

Ricky Gervais you will be missed!

I TOO HAVE SEEN THIS SHOW AND KNOW THE NAMES OF ACTORS WHO HAVE STARRED IN IT

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That's why it's wise to have a melee weapon in case!

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-Most food is expired

Only the stuff without preservatives.

So many missed opportunities here.

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-I miss Starbucks

I don't.

OMG SO FUNNY not really.

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I've never heard of a horror move. Is that when the moving company dresses up and attempts you scare the shit out of you during the moving process?

That's the best typo joke you could come up with?

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Rule #1, and this is the biggie, here: Never indulge the Mary-Sue, no matter how she tempts you.

See previous "snark" response.

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what I call the rules of Cassandra Raven Williams, which is my name…

Which we don't care for.

Pick your battles. Hint: You should've let this one by.

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Have a fair amount of common sense.

I think you might be breaking your own rule, Suethor.

NO U

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NEVER eat a cheeseburger or beef, no matter what the circumstances.

Don't tell me I can't nom on delicious cow-death! You're not my mother!

Are dense? Are you retarded or something? Zombie is the goddamn cheeseburgers.

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Zombies have keener senses than humans, believe it or not, so they can smell when you are dumping, so be aware.

Rule #19![/quote]

You. You assigned a rule number to the fact that zombies can smell people pooping, despite the fact that this is something normal humans can do no matter how much they don't want to.

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So that is how I learned to survive here. When it comes to survival without people you soon become cold, not heartless, but you start to loose what keeps you sane. That is what happened to me. I started to loose my sense of humor, quick wittiness, love, any feelings that made me human. I did not know if this was being desolately alone, or loosing anything I had to them, but I guess it did not matter too much. After all there zombies, they become your enemy quite easily and you soon learn to hate and loose all sense of mercy to them whatsoever. You need to get over the fact that they are not human any more, but just a shell of a person that wants to eat you. The sooner you realize that the better.

I can't even make fun of that, it's just sad.

Hint: If you can't make fun of something, you can't be funny.

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And that's just the prologue. I dare not wade in farther than I should.

Well, it's best that you shouldn't since you clearly can't handle the prologue.